DISCLAIMER: NOT MINE. I OWN NOTHING.
KISS ME
oXo
PROLOGUE
ONCE UPON A TIME…IN A LAND FAR, FAR AWAY…
LO
If one more person says one more syllable about spindles I am going to kill myself with one.
From my earliest memory, the subject of spindles has been beaten to death – not only in the castle, but in the entire kingdom. It is said that spindle was my first word. I have little doubt that this is true, for spindle is the word which my unwilling ears hear more frequently than any other.
"My Little Louisa, you must never touch a spindle," my Mother Ella would say as she tucked me into bed at night. I always called her Motherella like it was one name and word.
"I will not touch a spindle, Motherella. And I have asked you to please call me Lo."
"Very well, my Little Lo. Remember what you must do if you see a spindle." Motherella stated again as she was leaving my bedchamber.
"Impale myself in the eye?"
"What did you say, dear heart?"
"I will not touch a spindle, Motherella."
Even the downstairs maid was relentless. "If you see a spindle – You. Must. Leave. It. Alone." She punctuated each word with a feather duster said as I left the castle, always with my lady-in-waiting, for I was never allowed a moment alone. Because of spindles.
Each servant was searched at the door for spindles and thread was purchased from outside the kingdom. Even peasants were forbidden to have spindles. Every prince, princess, or other noble child who came to the castle to play was told of the restrictions upon spindles – in case they have one hidden on them somewhere, or in case they mistakenly believe I was normal.
It should be said that I am quite certain I would not know a spindle if one happened to – oh, let us say – fall into my hand and prick my finger.
"Why must I avoid spindles, Daddy?" I asked my Father, the highly revered and most feared Royal Army General King Samuel, in one of my childhood memories.
"You simply must, my Little Louisa," he replied.
"But why?" I persisted.
He sighed. "Children should be seen, not heard. Go play a game."
"A game with spindles?"
"Louisa Johanna!"
"It was said in jest, General. And remember Daddy, it is Lo."
"Yes, yes. I remember my Little Lo." I asked several times more before he excused himself, claiming he needed to discuss strategy with his commanders in the Royal Guard, as he was The General in charge. As soon as he departed, I started in on my lady-in-waiting, Lady Lutessa.
"Why am I never to touch a spindle, Tess?"
Lady Lutessa looked rather put out. It was frowned upon to scold royal children. The General was a strict ruler and disciplinarian when doling out punishment, but he never resorted to beheading, at least not yet. Still, she had her job to consider, if not her neck.
"It is forbidden," she said.
Well, that answer would not do. I stomped my foot and whined and cried, and when that failed to produce the desired result, I said, "If you do not answer Tess, I will tell The General you spanked me for asking too many questions, which is something all children do just because the sky is blue and we all want to know why…but we will talk about that later. So, spindles? Spill Tess."
"You evil, wicked little cretin! You will be punished for such deceit!"
"No one punishes princesses, Tess." My voice was calm. I was done with my screaming, now that I had discovered a better bargaining chip. "Especially not you."
"Why especially not me?"
"Uh, hello. Because I am me."
"If you tell such an awful lie, you will surely be damned to hell for all eternity."
"You cannot be serious."
"It was worth a shot."
"If you care so much for my soul and where it ends up, then you must keep me from such a sin by telling me what I want to know." Even as a child, I was precocious and determined.
Finally, sighing, she told me.
I had been a long-wished-for baby (this I knew, for it had been told to me almost as often as the spindle speech), and when I was born, my parents invited much of the kingdom to my christening, including several women rumored to have magical powers.
"You mean fairies?" I interrupted, knowing she would not speak the word. Lady Lutessa claimed to be highly religious, which seemed to mean that she believed in witches, who used their magic for evil, but not fairies, who used their powers for good.
"There is no such thing as fairies," Lady Lutessa said. "But yes. They were fairies. Your father welcomed them, for he hoped they would bring you magical gifts. But there was one person your father did not invite: the witch Maleficent."
"Because witches are bad and fairies are good?"
"There is no such thing as fairies. But yes. Witches are bad and fairies are good."
Lady Lutessa went on to describe, at great length and in exhausting detail, the beauty of the day, the height of the sun in the sky, and the importance of the christening service. Blah, blah, blah. I closed my eyes. But when she attempted to carry me into my bedchamber, I opened them and demanded, "What about the spindle? Hello!"
"Dammit to hellfire and brimstone! I thought you were asleep."
I continued to demand to know of the spindle, which led to a lengthy recitation of the gifts I had received from the various guests. I struggled to remain attentive, but I perked up when she began to describe the fairies' gifts.
"Flora gave the gift of beauty and the gift of grace, although surely such qualities cannot be given."
I did not see why not. People often remarked upon my beauty and gentle grace.
"Fauna gave the gift of musical talent…"
I noted, privately, that I was already quite skilled on the harpsichord.
"…and the gift of intelligence…."
It went without saying…hello, I am me.
Lady Lutessa continued. "Merryweather was about to step forward to give the gift of obedience – which would have been much welcomed in a little brat like yourself."
"Get to the spindle already! You are the worst bedtime storyteller in the world, Lu-tess-a!" I emphasized her Christian name, which she detested.
"I am getting there, Lou-is-a!" She emphasized my Christian name, which I likewise detested.
"It is Lo!" I huffed, rolling my eyes.
"Do not roll your eyes. They will continue to roll around in your skull until you go blind."
"Where do you come up with this? Were you asleep the day at Governess School when they taught everything you need to know to raise a healthy, well-adjusted child?"
"Silence your tongue and open your ears. Just as Merryweather was ready to step forward and offer her much-desired and much-needed gift of obedience, the door to the grand banquet hall was flung open. It was the witch Maleficent! The guards tried to stop her, but she bullied her way past them."
"'I demand to see the child!' she said. "Your nurse tried to block her way. But quicker than the bat of an eyelash, the nurse was on the floor and Maleficent was standing over your bassinet."
"'Ah.' She seized you and held you up for all to see. 'The cursed baby.'"
"She cursed me! Who curses a baby! What kind of gift is that! That is worse than frankincense or myrrh."
"Your mother and father tried to soothe Maleficent with tales of invitations lost, but she repeated the word 'cursed,' several times, and then she made good the curse itself."
"Wait, she cursed me because she was not invited? Look at the gifts she gives! No wonder she was voted off the island."
"Are you going to allow me to finish?"
"You mean there is more? Did she drop me on my head as well?"
"That would have been preferable. I mean the actual curse. Would you like to know what it is?"
"Sure. Why not."
"'Before her sixteenth birthday, the princess shall prick her finger on a spindle and die!' she roared. And then, just like that – Poof! She was gone."
"Poof!? Just like that? And then what?" I asked, interested now that I understood I might die by touching a spindle. Why had no one told me this? Uh, hello. That is a need to know if ever there was one.
"Merryweather tried to save the situation with her gift. She said that since Maleficent's powers were so strong she could not reverse her spell, but she sought to modify it a bit."
"'The princess shall not die,' she said. But as everyone was sighing in relief, she added, 'Rather, the princess shall sleep. All citizens of the kingdom shall sleep also, protected from harm by this spell, and the kingdom shall be obscured from sight by a giant wood, unnoticed by the rest of the world and removed from maps and memory until…' People were becoming more nervous with each pronouncement. '…one day, the kingdom shall be rediscovered. The princess shall be awakened by her true love's first kiss, and the kingdom shall awake and become visible to the world again.'"
"But that is totally retarded!" I burst out. "If the entire kingdom is asleep and forgotten, who will be left to kiss me?"
Lady Lutessa stopped speaking, and then she actually scratched her head, as persons in stories are said to do when they are trying to work some great puzzle. At the end of it, she said, "Beats me kid. That is what Merryweather said. Does not matter, however. There is no such thing as fairies."
But even at my young age, I knew it was improbable that there was some boy who was not affected by the curse. The kingdom of Pandora was small, bounded on three sides by wilderness and on the fourth by water. The Germans, our nearest neighbors, barely knew we existed, and if Pandora disappeared from sight and maps, the Germans would forget us entirely. Other questions leaped to mind. How would we eat if we were all asleep? And wouldn't we eventually die, like old people did?
But to each successive question, Lady Lutessa merely said, "That is why you must never touch a spindle."
Eventually I tired of my questioning and yawned, prompting Tess to say, "Now go to sleep without worrying about waking up because now you know never to touch a spindle because no boy will be awake to kiss you and you will sleep forever until the world ends. Sweet Dreams."
And Tess was thus crowned worst bedtime storyteller in the world when she never told me what a spindle looked like.