Author's note: Happy New Year people, look what I'm back to working on. I have been looking forward to starting this for a while now, since I've had some…fun, shall we say, planned later in the book, regarding a certain character. But anyway, let's get into this, and forget about that shitshow that was 2020.
Harry: *narrating* So, you're probably wondering why I'm lying outside the window of my aunt and uncle's house, waiting to listen to the news. And the answer to that is…
Vernon: BOY! Shut the fuck up, or I'll come out there and shut you the fuck up.
Harry: You're not supposed to know I'm here.
Petunia: How are we supposed to not know you're there when you keep narrating to yourself? Besides, why do you even care about the news?
Harry: I told you, Voldemort *loud thundercrack* is back and I'm trying to figure out what he's been up to.
Vernon: Boy, I told you that your kind doesn't get mentioned in our news. You're not important enough for that.
Petunia: Yeah, stick to that shit the owls are bringing you.
Harry: Did you not just hear the thunder that happened when I said Voldemort's *thundercrack* name?
Vernon: Silly Harry, thunder happens all the time.
Harry: On bright sunny days? Where there's not a cloud in the sky?
Vernon: I will choose to believe it's normal as long as it either annoys you or makes you think that you're crazy. Now, bugger off, the news is about to start, and no fifteen-year-old has ever been interested in that.
Harry: Pretty sure there are some, just not the majority.
Petunia: Well, Duddykins isn't, therefore no fifteen-year-olds must care.
Harry: That's because Dudley doesn't know his left from right.
Vernon: How dare you speak that way about your favourite cousin. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Harry: I'm not in the house.
Vernon: Then off my property, I don't know.
Harry: Fine, whatever *leaves*
*later, in a park*
Harry: *narrating again* So, as I was saying, I'm trying to find out what the hell Voldemort's *thunderclap* up to, since he's been very quiet lately, despite having just come back from the near dead he's been for the last decade and a half. He should have…
Dudley: Hey Harry.
Harry: I just cannot narrate in peace, can I?
Dudley: And you can't sleep quietly either, can you?
Harry: Well, when you see a guy who was too pure for this world get murdered right in front of you, then have his body stolen by some weird pale guy, you might have some idea of how PTSD works you moron.
Piers: Did he just say he had an STD?
Dudley: I think he did, which is weird since I doubt he's even had sex.
Harry: Wait, Piers? I thought you were just a one-off character from the first book.
Piers: Fuck you.
Dudley: No, it sounds like his boyfriend Cedric already did that.
Harry: Wait, I'm confused. Am I supposed to be a virgin or not?
Piers: Can we just beat the shit out of him now?
Dudley: Yes we…did it suddenly get very cold?
Harry: Weird for a day like…oh no…
Dudley: What? What happened?
Harry: They can't be here…
Piers: What the fuck is he talking about?
Dementor 1: OM NOM NOM *immediately grabs and sucks out Piers's soul*
Harry: Oh no, how horrible. Now people will miss…that guy…
Dudley: Harry, what the fuck is going… *another dementor grabs him and starts sucking out his soul*
Harry: Holy shit, this could be the best day of my life. All I have to do is wait, and…
Dementor 1: DELICIOUS NOM NOM! Join me brother for much tastier nom nom.
Dementor 2: *still holding Dudley* This nom nom…I feel…sick…go on without me… *dies*
Harry: I think your friend just tried to suck the stupid out of my cousin.
Dementor 1: YOU DARE MOCK US?! I'm going to…
Harry: *pulls out wand* EXPECTO PATRONUM! *blasts dementor with a silver stag*
Dementor 1: FUCK YOU! *flies away*
Harry: There, problem solved. And even better, no muggle witnesses.
Mrs. Figg: Harry?
Harry: God damn it. Look, Mrs. Figg, I'm gonna need you to…
Mrs. Figg: Boy, do you really think I'm ignorant enough to not know magic when I see it?
Harry: …never mind then.