6
"Here we go" Jack said under his breath as the contestants lined up and he glanced over at Ianto who was deliberately looking around and... well… out of place. Nervous and clumsy as he picked up a piece of wood and dropped it, yelping like he had a splinter.
Douglas grinned as the 'other' host Stevie spoke about the first challenge to do a bedroom in the 'spare' house. Jack waited for them to start choosing rooms to start to introduce himself that wide smile and Hollywood looks getting the reactions he wanted while Ianto whined softly about the living conditions and the 'smell' to some of them. He deliberately looked like a weedy nerd. Not a threat at all.
Hell… if they Google him they will get very little. His real name was Ianto Lloyd after all. That one… well… might be alarming to find out how he paid for his university given the fact he was already fighting with his mother by then…. Oh yes. Ianto Lloyd was one self-reliant man… you could say that he was the ultimate odd-job man… well… and somewhat famous in his own right… if you were into sports.
Ianto Jones…. Well… was just married to a Hollywood heartthrob. He knew that if he worked on the PA angle and let them all think he was Jack's little toy boy they might see him as such a small threat or no threat at all that by the time they realize his skills he will already be seen by the viewers as a downtrodden and hugely bullied member of this series. Oh yes… Ianto had plans.
"Mildred and George" Ianto muttered to himself then started to snigger "Oh no… George and Mildred…. How weird. Oh man… we need to get some of the theme music from the show, maybe the start screen when we are about to look at their house sometimes."
"Oooooo" doulas said in his ear "YESSSSSSSSS. I forgot about that old show."
"Helen and Carl… I like him but she will be picky… she is already looking for an angle… she might be a good one to stir up" Ianto muttered as he again ducked his head.
"What are you talking to yourself for?" Mark asked, one of the other contestants was a large burly man whose wife was equally large and imposing. Ianto knew they would be the soft touches. Mummy and Daddy of the show?
"Sorry… when I am nervous I do that" Ianto sighed softly "My doctor says I have an … ah… inner monologue blockage… or something. I say things I don't mean to and blurt them out."
"Like Tourettes?"
Ianto blinked slowly and tried to remain calm as he was handed another tool which witch to fuck with them "yeah."
"So you shout abusive words?"
"Not all Tourettes is like that" Ianto said, making himself indignant and insulted "Ticks and sometimes… random things are said or something repeated a few times… that's all. THAT part is rare and only when highly upset."
Douglas was laughing in his ear with glee.
"Something wrong?" Jack demanded as he swung to face them both "Tiger?"
"Tiger?" Ianto repeated, then he blushed … damn, Jack didn't know he could even do it on command like that "No.. no Cariad. Just getting to know each other, that's all. Please don't … don't get angry."
In the production truck Douglas started to giggle softly as Jack glowered at the man and Ianto looked like he was about to be kicked. Oh man… this would cause such controversy. These two were going to shake the tree and se who falls out first.
Gold.
.
.
"OK everyone… ah… you all settled?" Jack called out as people emerged from the pop-up tents they had been shown to on the back lot. Yeah… Ianto's idea. No nice hotel rooms to escape to each evening… no… let's rough it. A pie cart and maybe a caravan that can be used like a kitchen… let's really piss them off.
"I don't know if I like this one" Ianto called out, emerging to pout "It faces west. You know I don't like that."
"Honey… just move the bed to the other wall then… it is just a blow up mattress like everyone else" Jack said with a gentle voice and Ianto lit up, shooting back inside.
"What mattress?" George asked with anger "I don't see a feckin…"
"Ah! Rules… come on. You know we are supposed to watch our Ps and Qs young man" Jack said in a silly voice, the roared with mirth at himself before continuing "Have you checked the box in the corner? You would have found the mattress, a pump, bedding and some other things like bug spray… you will need that if you need the loo in the night."
"What?" Mildred squeaked.
"Port-a-loos are over there next to the showers. Don't' mix them up. Blue for poo… right? No getting naked in those … the red ones are showers so that's how I think we should remember the difference."
"Next to one another…. Ew. Shouldn't they be in separate areas?" Came a squeak of horror.
"I know…I said that" Ianto pointed at Helen "Disgusting. Imagine trying to shower and someone is taking a shit next door SHIT SHIT… sorry. I think there needs to be a question about that!"
Jack choked softly and looked at the clouds for a moment, then hid his mirth with "Might rain."
"Well… we better make sure our tents are secure. A good wind and we might be off" Ianto frowned seriously at him.
"Who made you the boss!" Carl demanded.
Jack blinked slowly "No one mate… you want to be team leader… go for it."
And Jack got his first target confirmed.
He was gonna hate Carl.