Chapter 45
Scientia ac labore
"Knowledge through hard work"

"When one is in love,
one always begins by deceiving one's self,
and one always ends by deceiving others.
That is what the world calls a romance."
—The Picture of Dorian Grey

It was early. Really early.

Like it was technically still night time, and she should really be sleeping, but she couldn't get Sango's words out of her head.

The right things but the wrong way.

She twisted around in her blankets. Inuyasha was against the wall near the doorway and appeared to be asleep. Or at least dozing lightly.

Shippo had given up on sleeping with her, and he'd shuffled off to Miroku's bed, judging from the quiet grunt she'd heard from the other room.

She couldn't sleep. She'd been twisting and turning all night, and she was pretty sure that she wasn't going to sleep for the rest of it either. Not until she gave it a try. She'd just sit outside the hut and give Sango's version a try. Sango had said that she had to do things differently from what she was being taught, and maybe that was her problem. Miroku and Kaede were teaching everything the way it should be done, but Kagome needed something new.

Sitting up, she stared at Inuyasha, but his ears hadn't even flickered at her movement.

It wasn't like she was going to get any sleep tonight anyway. Not with the way that Inuyasha made sure that there was a consistent space between them now. She'd hoped that by putting her stuff in the storage room, it meant that he would be willing to sleep next to her, but that was not to be. Instead, Kagome was meant to suffer from insomnia the entire night because of propriety.

Flicking the blanket off, she pushed herself to her feet, still waiting for him to reveal that he knew she was awake.

But he didn't move at all.

She took a hesitant step towards him and the door, pausing as she passed by him. Kirara raised her head from where she was curled up next to Sango, but when she saw Kagome, she nestled back down into Sango's blankets, ignoring her.

She stepped outside the small hut, checking behind her to see that no one seemed to be aware that she'd stepped outside. Taking a small step into the grass, she moved a few paces behind the hut, listening and waiting. She moved to the edge of the tree line, keeping the hut in her line of sight. If Inuyasha noticed that she was gone, then he wouldn't have to search for her at all.

Kagome settled in and started pulling her reiki forth.

Okay. So Miroku had the right idea just going about it the wrong way.

She brought it out to her fingers, watching the glow spread across her hands and spreading it up to her wrists.

Miroku had told her that it took measured control to push it out into a dome. It took extreme concentration and focus to get it right and maintain it.

She knew that she was struggling with the focus part of it. Her brain didn't want to focus on anything for any length of time. It kept jumping around and circling back to several different issues. So how was she supposed to work around that?

Work through the issues?

She snorted at that. That wasn't happening in the next few days.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to push it further out from her hands.

Except nothing happened. She just got more glow-y than she had before.

Sighing, she tried again, pushing it harder, but nothing came out.

She was reiki constipated at this point.

Huffing, she looked up at the stars.

"What?" She asked softly with a sigh. "What am I supposed to do?"

Stared at her hands, no longer glowing with reiki, but still not producing a shield.

Staring at the hut, she yawned, covering her mouth with her hand.

Well, maybe she could sleep now at least.

Pushing herself up, she dusted off her backside and trudged towards her bedroll.

Creeping across the floor, she slipped past the dozing half-demon, flipping her blankets back across her. His ears flickered, and she waited for just a minute, but he never woke or said anything.

She was in the clear.

Miroku dragged her back out into the field and sat her down underneath the tree.

"What are we doing?" She asked.

"You are going to sit here and think," he said, plopping down next to her.

"About nothing?"

"About whatever's in your head and clogging everything up," he said with a wave at his own head. "So if you can't think about nothing, then let's get everything out of there so you can."

"So think about everything?"

"Whatever is in there, we have to get out here," he motioned to the field in front of them.

"So we can fill it back up with nothing?"

"Exactly," he said with a grin, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

"I don't know." Thinking about her problems wasn't exactly on her to-do list.

"Can't hurt, right?"

He withdrew his arm, but he remained seated next to her.

Oh, but it could. That meant coming to terms with things that she'd been actively avoiding and actively trying not to think about.

That little box in her backpack made her skin crawl each time she saw it or touched it or thought about the implications of it.

Her period still hadn't come, and now, now it felt like it was almost too late. She should've known by now, right? It should've shown up by now if she wasn't—it should've come weeks ago.

It was just a stupid test. A stupid, stupid test that could—was—already ruining her life.

A hand closed over hers, stilling her fingers.

"Perhaps I should get Sango?" He asked, giving her a pitying look.

"I don't think that it would make much of a difference." She looked at the hand covering hers. "This—everything—has just been really hard, and I'm trying, I swear I am, but it feels like the more I try to do things right, the more I fail. And—and—" She was already helpless to stop the onslaught of tears that were coming, and Miroku's hands grabbed her own, squeezing them.

"No one said that you weren't trying. You've always tried—I know that, and so has everyone else. We—none of us would be here if you weren't trying."

"I just don't understand why it isn't working! Am I that bad?" She pulled her hands away from his and let her face fall into them.

"You're not bad, Kagome. You're largely untrained. There's a difference."

"Miroku, you've been trying to teach me for months—months—and I've made literally zero progress with everything. I'm bad."

"With that logic, yes. But reiki users are different from our hack and slash counterparts. They can take their aggression out on a target, but we have to focus and calm ourselves in order to use our weapons." He took a deep breath. "Let's take a break."

"Haven't we been taking a break?"

"No, let's go watch Sango and Inuyasha train." He stood up, offering his hands to her. She took them, letting him all her up to her feet.

"You just want to watch Sango."

"And you want to watch Inuyasha." He pointed a finger at her face. "Don't deny it, my dear, sweet, innocent, little Kagome." He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and dragged her towards where Inuyasha and Sango were dealing with their issues in their own way.

"He's my friend, Miroku."

"Right, I'm your friend. He's your friend, just like Sango is my friend."

"Sango is your fiancée."

"My point." He spread his arms out as if that explained everything.

"What is with you two and trying to make it sound like I'm in a relationship with Inuyasha?"

Miroku sputtered out a laugh, almost doubling over at the statement. She glared at him as he righted himself, still chuckling, before glancing in her direction.

"Oh, you're serious?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Mmm, nothing, nothing," he said with a wave of his hand. A little too nonchalantly, if anyone cared to ask. "Let's go watch your friend try to beat up my fiancée."

Miroku walked off, leaving Kagome watching his back for a moment before stalking off after him. Why? Why did everyone just try to make their relationship into something that they weren't?

They were friends. Kagome had accepted this, had finally relegated her imagination and thoughts so that there was no other thoughts or interludes that would intrude upon the carefully crafted little fort that she'd built. Inuyasha didn't want her. Inuyasha loved Kikyo, had always loved Kikyo, and she was and would only ever be his friend.

No matter how much she wanted to be something—anything—else, this was the undeniable truth of everything. She'd convinced herself that she could be happy being nothing more than his friend. She could be happy with just that.

But that was what she told herself, and she knew deep down, that it was completely and utterly false.

But it was all she had and something was infinitely better than nothing.

Eventually, she would be happy with what she had.

Miroku instructed her to sit at the base of a nearby tree while Sango swung Hiraikotsu around, and Inuyasha nimbly evaded her, the sound of his voice echoing through the clearing as he came back with attacks of his own.

Watching them fight when there was no danger or enemies was thrilling. Sango moved and twisted in ways that Kagome could ever dream of, and Inuyasha was like watching living and breathing art. She would give anything to have what Miroku insinuated she already did.

But there was nothing there for her.

"There was a point in bringing you here," Miroku spoke softly to her, nudging her with his shoulder.

"You mean, more than you getting to stare at Sango's butt?"

"I will not deny that it is a definite benefit. We should meditate here more often," he cleared his throat, "once you're more comfortable with it of course."

Kagome rolled her eyes as he continued.

"We were talking about focus." He motioned out to where Sango was making a sweeping arc towards Inuyasha. "Now, as long as Sango keeps her focus and controls her temper, she's this beautiful supple goddess of a woman."

Kagome watched as Inuyasha twisted mid-leap and grabbed Sango's ponytail, giving it a hard jerk as he landed and rebounded away before she could strike. He laughed it off, and Kagome could hear Sango growling from where she sat.

"However, once she starts to lose her temper, she also loses her control and her form begins to waver, and she makes mistakes. She lets her anger blind her to everything but what she sees in front of her, and she fails to notice that there are other dangers on the field."

With that, Miroku picked up a small rock, reaching back and flinging it towards the two of them, pelting Inuyasha in the head.

"The fuck, Miroku!"

The flash of fear across Miroku's face proved that the strike was not intentional.

"How do you know it was me? Maybe it was Kagome! Maybe she's angry because you're not spending time with her!"

Kagome caught the look of surprise across his face, and the pink dusting of his cheeks, before his attention snapped back to Miroku.

"I know it was you, ass—!"

Sango unceremoniously took her opening and tackled him to the ground, trying to pin him as he tried to shove her off.

"The hell, Sango!" Inuyasha shouted, turning back towards their practice fight.

"And where Sango's anger blinds her, you blind Inuyasha."

"So, you're saying that I'm a distraction." She turned away to look at the monk, who had a dopey smile on his face.

"The same way that Sango is a distraction for me."

Kagome snorted at that.

"Pretty sure, Inuyasha doesn't want to grab my butt all the time."

"Think that all you want, but my point is that even in the presence of Sango's glorious behind, I'm still able to meditate and focus my reiki. What we need to do is figure out the way to get around the distractions inside your head."

A measured poke at her temple reinforced his statement.

"I really feel like the whole reason you dragged us over here was to stare at Sango."

He gave her an annoyed sideways glare.

"You know, I am a perfect picture of wisdom, but you grab a few butts and that's all anyone remembers about you."

"My butt was one of the 'few' that you grabbed," she pointed out, as she rested her elbows on her knees.

"It's a lovely butt, I assure you," he said patting her arm lightly, "but I'm afraid there's only one butt for me from now on."

Kagome couldn't help but snort at Miroku's sentiments.

He smiled back at her.

"That's what I wanted to see," he mused, turning back to the play fight.

"What?"

"A smile. You needed to relax." Miroku leaned back against the tree, hands resting in his lap. "I think we've been working too hard. Maybe a break isn't such a bad idea."

"But Inuyasha doesn't want us to leave until I learn how to make a barrier."

"And?"

"And it's been almost two months since we've been out there looking for shards. We're wasting time on something that I'm clearly never going to be able to learn!"

Miroku sighed, staring at her. He held up his cursed hand for her to look at.

"This hand reminds me every day that my time here is limited."

"I know! That's why I want to get back out there, so we can defeat—"

"But," he interrupted her with a firm tone, flexing his fingers underneath the beads, "I realized that if I didn't enjoy what little time I had left, what was the point of living?" He nodded towards Sango and Inuyasha, who were still twisting and striking out with claws and swords. "Despite what you think, being able to spend some time with my friends and loved ones is just as meaningful to me as when we're out on the road. If I die before we defeat Naraku, I will have enjoyed squandering my last days with all of you."

A serene smile spread across his face as he turned to look back at their teammates.

Kagome's lip trembled, and she fought back her own sobs, hands clutching at her chest.

"Kagome?" Miroku asked, and she let out a sob, leaning towards him to wrap her arms around his neck.

"Monk, what the fuck did you do?" Inuyasha snarled as clawed hands pulled her away from Miroku's neck.

"I didn't do anything! I swear!"

Kagome turned into Inuyasha's embrace, hiccuping her sobs out into the side of his neck.

"What did the fucker say?" Inuyasha asked as his hands gently rubbed circles into her back.

"I don't—" she let out a sob and a low growl filled the air.

"I swear, I said nothing!" Miroku countered.

"I don't want him to die!"

There was a moment of silence as the half-demon around her jolted slightly. She could feel his head turn slightly, moving away from her, even though the rest of him pulled her closer.

"That's what you're upset about?"

"The fuck were you two talking about?" Inuyasha snarled.

"Not that!"

"You're supposed to be training, not making her cry and shit!" One arm left her and he lunged forward just a little, obviously swiping at something. She heard Miroku shuffle away.

"I didn't—!"

"Bullshit!" Inuyasha snarled, his arm snaking back around her waist to hold her firmly.

"Inuyasha," Sango chided harshly. "Let Kagome explain."

But Inuyasha rumbled something under his breath that even Kagome couldn't hear, as she tried to sniffle her way back into some composed state where she could talk.

She hadn't meant to get so upset, but the idea of Miroku dying and that he thought that they were worth dying for was enough to send her over the already tensed edge she was perched on.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, sniffling, and Inuyasha's arms tightened their hold around her.

"Keh," he huffed. She took a few more settling breaths before realizing the—physical—situation that she'd placed them in.

Miroku's words floated back in, and she pulled herself away from him. She shouldn't take advantage of him like that. He didn't know, and if he found out that people thought that they were together-together, he'd probably look at her with disgust.

It was one thing to be nice; it was another to be deemed in a relationship with someone like her.

She let her arms slide away, as she sat back in the grass; he hovered over her slightly.

It was easy to get lost in him; the way that he looked at her sometimes.

"Sorry," she mumbled again, wiping her eyes with the edge of her hand.

"It's okay," Sango said, settling down beside her. Miroku had shifted to sit a few feet away from her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm fine. I was just having a moment." She tried to laugh it off, pretend it was no big deal, nothing was wrong, and she really was fine.

She caught the look that Sango shot over her head at Inuyasha, and Kagome turned towards him, shifting away from him slightly. His ears drooped slightly as he focused in on her.

"What?" Kagome asked.

"Nothing," Sango answered quickly. "Do you want me to walk back with you?"

She glanced over at Inuyasha before pushing herself to her feet, dusting off her backside as Sango stood, waiting.

Inuyasha didn't follow them, which was odd. He always walked with her when Miroku took her out to the field to train. But now, he was just sitting there next to the tree, almost waiting for something.

"Want to talk about it?" Sango asked, and Kagome turned back towards her.

"It's nothing, really. I'm just being dumb."

Sango huffed at that, shifting her grip on her Hiraikotsu as they walked.

"You're not dumb," she said. "No one thinks that."

Kagome made a noise that neither agreed or disagreed with Sango's opinion.

"What made you come watch us fight?" Sango asked. "You two have never done that before."

Kagome exhaled slowly and completely before speaking.

"I wasn't getting anywhere with meditating or training, so Miroku thought that taking a break would help."

"Did it?"

Kagome shook her head.

"I don't think that I'm ever going to figure this out. Maybe I can only shoot purifying arrows."

Sango nudged her shoulder.

"You'll figure it out, Kagome. You always do."

Again, she made a noise that hopefully sounded like assent, but the reality was that Kagome was starting to doubt her ability to use and manipulate her reiki. She could do some brief parlor tricks, but that was about it. She was a child's entertainment and nothing more at this point.

They walked into the hut, and Kagome sat down to help Kaede with preparing herbs. It was something that she could do, and Kagome assumed that since Kaede continued to let her do it, she wasn't awful at it either.

That night, late after dinner, when the moon had ascended to its zenith, or some other mystical word that basically meant that she was awake in her little room to the point that the moon had completely passed from one side of the window to the other, she sat up, shifting the blankets off.

Inuyasha didn't stir from where he sat by the doorway, and Kagome made her way out of the hut, double checking that he didn't wake.

Moving to the tree line, she lowered herself to sit in the cool grass, listening to the quiet and the rustle of the branches in the wind. Winter was approaching, and the weather had begun to cool considerably.

But now was not the time to focus on the weather.

Now it was time to focus on the right things in a different way.

Taking a deep breath, she held it for a moment, before she tried to attempt a shield. She'd go longer tonight, swearing to herself that tonight would be the night.

She'd do it.

She'd prove that she could.

She wouldn't be a disappointment to anyone anymore.

She'd prove, once and for all, that she wasn't just a sad and pathetic reincarnation of a glorified priestess.

But most importantly, she'd prove it to herself.

A/N: So when I wrote this, I just doodled through and was like, I feel really good about this chapter, but I'm not sure why. Move to today where I realized that Miroku basically insinuated that InuKag was engaged. I mean, he's not wrong. But it was just so subtle that I missed it, and I wrote the stupid thing!

In this story, Miroku and Sango are Team InuKag.