8:

There was a new routine in place and she liked it well enough.

Finnick would be there when she woke up and leave when Aster took his place around lunch. Then he would come back in the afternoon, Annie in tow – she loved Annie, the young woman was quiet and calm and when she said she understood her, she believed her – and they would spend the day talking or playing the various games of cards they taught her. In the evening, Prim would relay them for a few hours, then it was Aster again usually with Doctor Brown and the woman stayed until she fell asleep.

She didn't know who was watching over her during the night but sometimes she woke up and she glimpsed a familiar figure standing vigil next to the door.

"Haymitch?" she asked every time.

The figure never answered.

It always left without a word.

She hated that.

It made her want to cry.

She didn't understand why he was rejecting her.

It made her sad and gloomy but she tried to keep it from the children as much as she could.

Finnick was always eager to cheer her up but she didn't like that he felt he ought to, she didn't like being a burden to him. And yet she had the suspicion he knew anyway because she could see flashes of irritation and even anger every time she asked after Haymitch and he had to tell her Haymitch wasn't coming.

Annie… It was harder still to hide anything from Annie. The young woman was very perceptive and seemed to have a gift to know to hug her when she needed it most, leaving her blinking back tears.

Prim was the easiest to convince she was alright. All she had to do was smile and ask after that cat of hers and the girl was distracted enough not to see the sorrow that she couldn't always keep at bay.

Aster was another story entirely, mostly, she supposed, because Aster was older and understood more than she let on. More than she could with her limited memories.

There were no more talks about her past as an escort and, while it weighted heavily on her mind, she didn't feel like discussing it with anyone else. Doctor Brown didn't want her to push her memory too much since it always gave her terrible headaches, he wanted her to focus on her physical recovery for now. He kept insisting they could take care of the rest later, which seemed a bit dismissive to her but… It wasn't like the doctors expected her to recover any sort of memory whatsoever anyway, that much had been made clear.

They had started testing her to see if her short-term memory had been impaired – it didn't seem to her like it was but, she supposed, she might not realize otherwise so she played along with their exercises. They gave her three words in the morning she had to remember when they asked for them in the evening. Sometimes they asked the words from the day before or even two days before that. So far, she had never gotten them wrong. It pleased Doctor Brown.

She supposed she should have been… content. With the company. With…

"Hey."

She looked up, a smile already stretching her lips as she recognized the voice she had only heard once. "Katniss."

The girl was standing on the threshold, a little uncertain. Prim shared a look with her sister and then excused herself with a quiet word for her. She watched the blond girl go with fondness, smiling even more when Prim squeezed Katniss' arm on her way out.

"Come in, darling." she invited when Katniss hovered a little too long on the threshold. "You look better."

The bruises had faded and while there were still dark bags under her eyes, the girl didn't look like she was about to fall over with exhaustion. She didn't look in pain at all when she stepped inside to take the visitor chair that was so seldom empty.

"I'm good." Katniss said with a small forced smile. "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. They've been watching me and Coin doesn't really want me alone with you, I couldn't sneak away." She made a face and her tone turned bitter. "They've got to be careful with their Mockingjay, you know."

She didn't.

Because not much of all that made sense.

She wasn't sure what a Mockingjay was or how it related to the girl.

As for Coin… Finnick had said she shouldn't worry about it and there were already so many things to worry about that she had taken that advice and ran with it.

"It is alright." she offered, hoping it was the right thing to say. "I am happy to see you."

And she was, she realized, she truly was. More than she was when Finnick or Annie or Prim were around… And she was pretty sure she loved those three but Katniss… Katniss felt special.

Ours, Haymitch had said and she felt that. Deep down. Like the girl belonged to her in some way. It was all in that itching sensation at the back of her head, in the feeling that Katniss was important and that if she could just remember… But that was out of reach and she could feel the headache growing so she made an effort to not think about that itch and what it might mean.

Finnick and Aster had explained some of it, however indirectly. She had been an escort to whatever horrors the current government had in place and she had picked up Katniss' name somehow and then she had helped bring her back from those terrifying Games and… Well, she supposed she would have felt responsible for the girl, then, wouldn't she have?

"Me too." Katniss said, her smile softening into something more genuine. She shifted in the chair until she was sitting crossed-legged. "How have you been?"

She wanted to protest because that wasn't really a dignified way to sit, was it? But her head was starting to throb again and she didn't want to waste her energy on trivial things when she had the unexpected pleasure of the girl's visit.

"Oh, I am just fine…" she promised. Not quite a lie. Not quite. "The doctor is happy with me. I am allowed to walk around the room for a little while in the mornings now."

"That's good." Katniss nodded, dropping her gaze to her fidgeting hands. "Look… I came because… Haymitch arranged for me to see Peeta."

Peeta is the boy, she had to remind herself. It made the pain in her head flare up but she clenched her jaw and fought to keep her face neutral. She didn't like it when the children caught glimpse of her pain. They looked all worried and sorry all at once. She didn't like that they felt that way about her.

"How did it go?" she asked.

The girl made a face that was a mix of anger and sadness. "Not well."

"Oh, darling, I'm sorry…" She reached out and covered Katniss' hands. The girl froze so she simply squeezed them once and let go.

"He hates me." Katniss whispered, swallowing hard.

"I am sure he does not." she promised. The pain was searing. Like a burning blade slashing through her eye. She winced and pressed a hand against her forehead but immediately waved the girl off when she half-stood. "I'm fine. It's just… Headaches. It's nothing." She gestured at the chair until Katniss sat back down, apparently more alert and ready to bolt for help at the smallest sign of discomfort on her part. She cleared her throat. "The boy… Peeta." She corrected herself because names were important. People had names. "They did something bad to him, didn't they? I'm sure he is just confused. That doesn't mean…"

"It's not the same thing they did to you, Effie." the girl cut her off. "It's not that he doesn't remember. He just… hates me. They made him hate me." Katniss sighed and shook her head. "That's what I came to tell you… I can't… I can't stay here anymore. I'm leaving for Two in the morning."

"Two?" she repeated, confused.

Katniss watched her for a moment, confused herself before comprehension dawned on her face. "It's a place. A District."

"Oh, of course." She forced a fake laugh. "How stupid of me. That soldier who came… He explained about Districts and the Capitol…" She didn't linger on that, didn't try to recall what he had said or what she knew because… The headache was already bad and thinking about the Capitol always made it worse. "Two. Is it… Is it far?"

"Far enough." Katniss shrugged. "The rebels are trying to take up this mountain… Well, it's more of a mine…"

Because there was a war going on outside her room.

This world was so complicated, so violent… It made her yearn for her old one, for the white and the hard floor and the muttering of the boy in the corner…

She frowned. "Is it dangerous?"

Everything seemed dangerous to her.

Everything that wasn't her old world or…

"It shouldn't be too bad." Katniss dismissed. "They won't let me go into real combat. And Gale is coming with me. And…" The girl sighed. "Look, Haymitch said he wanted to go too, which is stupid because I don't need him and it's only going to make Coin angry because they need him here in Tactics but you know how he is."

Katniss sounded a little awkward toward the end of that sentence and she didn't really know why because…

"No…" she said sadly. "No, I suppose I do not."

"Shit." Katniss mumbled. "Sorry, I…"

"Language." she interrupted, rubbing her forehead. "It doesn't matter…"

"Yes, it does." the girl snapped. "I told him… He's being an idiot. I told him that." Grey eyes met hers, burning with such an intensity… "You know if I could choose… If Peeta had just forgotten everything about me… I would take that. I would take that a million times over him knowing who I am and hating my guts. Haymitch is being stupid."

She was silent for a long time, debating what to say and what to keep secret, what was hers to reveal and what shouldn't be told… It was hard to know what it was appropriate to share because… She had no frame of references and nobody to help her sort through the things she carried…

In the end, she hugged herself, uncomfortable with how vulnerable she was making herself be in front of the girl but also desperate enough to seek her opinion since Katniss knew her – had known her before – and knew Haymitch too. "He said I didn't love him. He said… But I feel…" Her head was hurting her enough that she knew she was on the right path. It always hurt when she got close to… something. The truth maybe. But there was never any breakthrough. Simply this pain… This… void. And then the fog that wanted to made her stupid, that stopped her from properly thinking. "Did I love him?"

Katniss made a face. "I don't know. Honestly, I don't. I didn't even know you two liked each other before they rescued you… Never mind more…" The girl shrugged and winced harder. "I'm sorry."

"That's alright." she whispered, forcing a reassuring smile on her lips. She tried to look more cheerful. "I thought he loved me… He must have if they have done this to me to hurt him like he thinks…"

Katniss studied her for a while and then dropped her eyes to the floor again. "We were a team. Maybe they wanted to hurt me."

So when Haymitch said it had all been about him, perhaps that had simply been his guilt talking. Perhaps… How much could he love her if he was willing to run away to another… District to be away from her? Not much. Not much at all.

He had promised he wouldn't leave her, he had promised he would protect her, he had promised he would keep her safe… And then he had left her to fend for herself. He had left her in a strange place with strange people and…

"Here you are." Finnick said cheerfully, barging in like he owned the place. "Your mom's been looking for you, Katniss. Something about deciding to leave for another District without telling her… Again."

Katniss rolled her eyes but stood up, leaning down long enough to drop a kiss on her cheek.

"Promise me to be careful." she demanded and the girl snorted and promised, muttering under her breath about her being surrounded by mother hens.

She kept a smile firmly on her lips until the girl had left the room but then… It was too much to keep a front up. Her head was hurting and she felt… She felt fragile. Like there were cracks all over her and she would just shatter if the wind blew up the wrong way.

She swung her legs off the bed even though she knew better than to try and stand up without a nurse or the doctor there. She was stronger but not strong enough to move around unsupervised, not without falling after a few steps. But she liked feeling the cold floor under her bare feet. She liked the fact that it made her feel… grounded.

She needed that.

Some grounding.

Some perspective.

"Katniss is leaving for Two." she told Finnick because the young man was still standing not too far from the door and was watching her with a weird look on her face.

Maybe because she looked as sad and lost as she felt inside.

"I know." he said, frowning a little. "She'll be safe, you know. She's probably the most important person in this rebellion right now… They just want her to make speeches and look inspiring on camera…"

That was good to hear, she guessed.

She licked her lips, training her eyes on the empty chair rather than at him because she didn't want to see the pity on his face. "Haymitch is going with her."

She didn't dare look up because the young man was silent for a very long time but when he spoke again, it was to scoff with more anger than she had ever heard from him so far. "The hell he is!"

She took a deep breath and confessed the rest because if she didn't get it off her chest now… "I thought he loved me but I think I was wrong." Another deep breath to fight the pressure of the tears behind her eyes, of the pain making her head throb… "And if I was wrong about that, I don't know what else I was wrong about… I don't know…"

From the very first moment in that supply closet, from the very first second after he had found her in that confusing new world… She had trusted him. Implicitly, she had trusted him. She had followed her instinct…

Her instinct had been wrong.

And if she couldn't trust her instinct, then…

Who said any of this was real?

Who said…

"Effie…" Finnick called softly, crossing the room to lay a hand on her shoulder.

She flinched.

"Stop calling me that. It doesn't… It doesn't feel like me, it doesn't feel like mine." She shook her head, tried to shrug his hand off but he only grabbed her other shoulder to steady her, to stop her from escaping… "People have names. What does it mean that I don't have one? What does it mean that I don't feel real… What does it…"

"Effie." he cut her off firmly, crouching down so he could look at her face, so she had to look at him. "You have a name. You are a person."

"I don't know who I am." she countered. "I don't know anything. I don't know anything."

They were so familiar those words…

And they hurt.

They hurt so much.

She had a vague memory of yelling them until her throat was raw but it was gone before she could grasp it, swallowed by the void at the back of her mind and then the fog washed over her. It was better than the pain but it left her numb. She was so tired of feeling numb.

"I know." he argued quickly if quietly. "I know you're a good person who's obsessed with manners and order. I know you like your coffee bitter black and you can beat anyone at pool. I know you are the kind of woman who doesn't give up on her friends and I hope, I hope, you're not the kind of woman who gives up on herself."

She stared into his green eyes until her breathing slowed down into something that didn't leave her dizzy.

"What if he stopped loving me because he sees it?" she murmured, ashamed of how small and frightened she sounded. "What if he sees I'm not ever going to be a real person again? I mean… a whole person. What if I stay in this limbo forever and…"

"Then he doesn't deserve you." Finnick dismissed without a second of hesitation. "And you are a real person. It's hard to feel like one when you're stuck in a hospital room and nurses and doctors are moving you around and poking at you like an object, that's all. It's going to be better when you can walk and shower and take care of yourself, you'll see."

She sniffed and nodded, not because she believed him but because he clearly desperately wanted her to believe him. He flashed her a grin that didn't reach his eyes and stood up.

"I think I must love him. Have loved him." she confessed slowly, confused herself by which tense she should use. She wasn't sure of anything. "Why would I miss him so much if I didn't?" She shook her head. "And… When I try to remember him… Us… That's when it hurts the most." She pressed a hand at the back of her head and pretended she didn't see how sad and sorry Finnick's face had become. She sniffed again. "My hair is dirty and looks terrible, doesn't it?"

That earned her a short laugh. "It's a bit tangled. Do you want me to find a nurse to help you with it?"

Did she want to submit to foreign hands that might or might not be gentle when her head was pounding? "No, thank you. I think I want to sleep a little."

"Okay." He smiled again and she let him help her lie down just because it seemed to make him happy to be useful. He was a good boy. Such a good boy… He tucked her in and dropped a kiss on her forehead and it made a lump appear in her throat because… Well, she didn't know if Haymitch loved her but Finnick… Finnick clearly did. And perhaps it wasn't the same thing but… Perhaps it was also enough.

"I'm sorry." she offered, making an effort to sound less depressed than she felt. "I didn't mean to have a meltdown on you."

Finnick snorted. "Don't worry. We've all been there." He grew serious though. "And I forbid you to think you're less than a person just because you can't remember a few things…"

"My whole life." she corrected.

"Fine, a little more than a few things…" he amended in a joking tone that made her smile despite everything. "But I mean it, Effie… You're you. It doesn't matter if you remember or not. You're still you deep down, I see it." He winked at her. "And don't worry about Haymitch. Sometimes he needs someone to shake some sense into him… Chaff isn't here anymore so… I'll take care of it."

She didn't know who Chaff was and she thought she maybe should have been worried about how angry Finnick looked suddenly but she couldn't bring herself to care.

Not really.

Effie.

She never thought of herself as Effie.

Was she still even Effie?

Haymitch didn't seem to think so.

But then… Who was she?

Who is she indeed? Sooooo... Who wants to take bets about that ass kicking Finnick is about to deliver? XD Seems like maybe Katniss will hold Haymitch for him ;) Let me know your thoughts!