Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

73. Sha'ira, the Consort

"It Seems the Knowledge is in Control" from Shin Megami Tensei V

LXXIII. Sha'ira, the Consort

(Shepard)

Sick to my stomach.

Sick to death of the same thing happening over and over again.

Sickened with myself for not taking Ashley up on her offer to just give up already.

Back on the Normandy after Palaven, these days had passed. December. Crew playing obnoxious Christmas music down the halls. Bottling up my own frustrations, needing it to stop. Planning on getting to the Citadel soon. On our way now. Plans, meetings, welcomes. Planning to stay on the Citadel for some time—maybe until the next mission came up with the Reapers. Meeting up with the Council at some point. Welcoming Wrex back to the team. Hiding away from everything until then. Other plans. Finally talking to Aria. Having avoided the conversation for too long. Nerves on her end had frayed from my silence, my distance. Holing myself up in my private cabin. Not speaking to anyone. Barely eating.

Tired.

Exhausted after Palaven. After dealing with Lucifer.

No one to protect me. No one left to protect me. Just myself.

Working in the armory to pass the time, to busy myself. Thinking. Cleaning these guns. Alone down in the cargo hold. Peace and quiet. Workings of the Normandy's equipment as decent background noise. Didn't want to listen to music with my back to the elevator, hearing impaired. Refused to let anyone suddenly appear down here and startle me. Cortez had stopped tinkering with the shuttle as soon as I'd arrived. Hastily left. Avoidance. Probably still afraid of me. From our first meeting when I had shut down his mention of gossip about Traynor liking me. Used to that by now from other people, from everyone.

Cleaning these guns.

Cleaning these guns.

Cleaning these guns.

Blinking slow, blinking hard.

Cleaning.

Cleaning.

Cleaning…

This Razer pistol.

Why did I still have this Razer pistol? The gun I had shot Ashley in the head with. Didn't I get rid of it before? Or was this a different one? I couldn't remember. Everything blurring into one. I gripped this pistol, trying to remember. Trying to remember her. I had loved her before. Loved her so much. After Noveria. On Thessia. On Earth. On Virmire. On Ilos. On the Citadel. On Arcturus Station. On the Normandy. Outside the Normandy. Burning to a crisp as I had fallen into orbit of another planet. That snowy world. All of that…and I didn't love her anymore. All of that…and I had shot her to death over lies.

Lying, lying, lying.

Please don't keep anything from me. Please don't keep secrets from me. Pleasing you pleases me.

Pleasing you and pleasing you and pleasing you.

Another lie. Another life-rending lie. Another love-ending lie.

The pleasing stops. The memories burn in the fire of my rage. I burn the bridges. Relationship over.

After one lie too many, this numbness had started drilling a hole in my head.

If EDI weren't always monitoring the Normandy, I would have put a bullet through this hole in my head. Making it real, making it permanent. If I hadn't been surrounded by the turians back on Palaven, I would have done it then. If Cerberus hadn't brought me back with the Lazarus Project once before, I would have gotten this over with. Cerberus, Miranda. Endless resources. I could see Miranda finding another way to bring me back. Restarting the Lazarus Project. Endlessly bringing me back. Endlessly and forever.

The real, crushing and confusing deterrent keeping me from leaving this life:

If I hadn't screwed up and had sex with Liara, I would have blown my fucking head off by now.

She would cry before. Cry at the thought of letting me go. Like something bad would happen if she did.

If our time in her room had happened in a different order. If Liara had told me the truth before anything else. If I had found out about these lies first, I would have left her office. I wouldn't have bothered confronting Aria over it. I would have gone to sleep. Looked for Ashley. Told her right then and there: I give up. She succeeded. She had started my relationship with Aria; she had ruined it. You win, Ash!

But the actual order had been different.

I wasn't supposed to give up on the mission. I had promised myself I wouldn't let anything stop me.

Except this numbness after Lucifer threatened to do me in. Mind-numbing boredom. Drilling this hole in my head, not-so-literal. Dangerous boredom. Noise ringing in my ears. Emotions off elsewhere, away.

So tired.

Afraid to sleep, afraid to dream.

Afraid of these guns, these ideations, I stepped away from the armory.

I wandered over to the cryo pods. One pod in particular. Councilor Anderson's pod.

Getting him to the Citadel soon. Couldn't bury him on Earth yet. Complicated logistics with the Reapers destroying our homeworld these days. I sat down next to his pod. Almost like sitting next to him again. Or sitting across from him in his office in the Citadel Embassies. Sitting didn't help to settle my unsettled stomach. I wondered about this outcome I lived today, without him. Supposed to be the jackass for what I did with Liara, what I did to Aria. Jackassery as that feeling had nagged me at the back of my head. This old, familiar, repetitive feeling. This feeling of the one I loved keeping something major from me, with no intention whatsoever of telling the truth. Becoming the same, I would never tell Aria what I did with Liara behind her back. Fucking her over without proof yet that she'd already fucked me over.

What a perfect relationship we'd had before.

Still crashed down to this: removing her name from my will. Deleting our chat room, our private frequency. Taking her name off the crew manifest as my reserve captain. We would have to speak soon.

Leaving the team had seemed like the best idea for my health. No more expectations. No one else to avoid whenever I left my solitude. None of that damned Christmas music. Except I cared about Liara too much. I cared. She had unlocked this caring in me. Unlocking me as she had first opened my heart back up three years ago. Caring and caring, loving and loving—and enough to keep me from shooting myself.

If I had played by the rules and not fucked Aria over, then I would have been dead by now.

The mission would have failed.

I hadn't played by the rules. I had only gone by my instincts. And my instincts had led me here. Ashamed in my own mind. Deathly bored. Exhausted. Knowing I couldn't always be right, all the time. This crafted image of myself, shattered to the ground. And the only other person who saw these pieces…was Liara.

Dealing with her seeing me like this made everything worse. Intensifying. Doubling down.

No one else knew.

Just knowing Liara knew—enough to fool me into thinking the entire universe saw this, scorning me.

Checking my omni-tool, I brought up an extranet page I'd opened and closed several times. Several, several times over the past week or so. This information about a counselor. Someone to talk to. Security concerns. Privacy, private information. Couldn't trust the random offices that had popped up across the Citadel. After checking my Spectre resources, this name had come up. Sha'ira, the asari consort. Expedited, same-day appointments for Spectres. Council-guarantee for discretion. That certain reputation behind her establishment. Not interested in sex with her—got me in trouble to begin with. Still didn't know how I felt about counseling for myself, despite encouraging this for Liara before. Sha'ira sounded more like an oracle to me than anything else. Powerful and influential on the Citadel. Knack for diplomacy and advice. Gifts of words. At this point…I needed to just try it. Give it a chance. Couldn't keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. The definition of insanity.

Hovering over the Make an Appointment button on Sha'ira's site, I considered.

The other reason for my body still breathing—the one reflexive thing I'd done continually since birth.

Liara could have been… She more than likely wouldn't be this time. Not this time. This time. That I remained open to the possibility felt like a miracle in itself. I had always rebelled against this idea. Never considered it in much detail before—aside from an outright rejection. Everything from these recent years had encouraged me to reconsider. The changes had started with Ash: unprotected as we had been on that night I had died with the Normandy. Now I had reached this place. This place of true acceptance.

I could never abandon them or Liara. Leaving without a trace. Vanishing from the face of the galaxy.

Not like my own parents had done to me.

Or even deadbeat. Negligent. Absent. Mental and emotional abandonment. I couldn't do it. I couldn't.

In doing this, I'd had to make a choice. Abandoning the one person who had done so much for me—only to lie to me in the end. Eventually returning to the one person who'd done this to me before—the only person I could see myself forgiving again if it happened in the future. Everything had felt so clear to me.

I wished there could have been an easier way to go about this.

Nothing was ever simple like that, though, was it?

An email alert from my omni-tool paused my thinking. In this pause, I expected to find Aria's name at the top of the message. Instead, my heart swelled from the reality, from the surprise:

From: Liara – Worrying about you.

Shepard,

You haven't been around much lately. It is now December and I have not seen you in a while. I know you are taking this time for yourself. Time to think, to mourn. After Palaven, I can't quite shake this sense. This sense that you are not okay. Are you suffering any ill effects from Lucifer? I myself am still rather tired, but not nearly as much as before. Tali has forbidden me from working too much as I rest. I am resisting the temptation to check in on you myself—from a distance. I know you don't always like it.

Will you please come and see me today? Before we reach the Citadel. I am currently in the lounge on deck three, where Kasumi's room used to be. I am resting on the couch here. It is a public area. No concerns about being alone with me. A few of the others are playing cards together. I believe the game is called poker. Or maybe blackjack. They keep switching between the two. I apologize in advance for the Christmas music they are also playing. If you don't mind it too much, we can speak with one another.

Even though I worry for you, I also believe you will be just fine. Eventually. No matter the darkness surrounding you, I trust in your courage to find a way out. You are my light whenever I am struggling. I would love to be the same for you. It is similar to what we discussed in Garrus' apartment. I will never forget the conversation we had there. I hope you have at least considered me during these times.

Back to my selfish request—please come and visit me soon?

-Liara

.

To: Liara – Re: Worrying about you.

Liara,

Sorry, I've been out of it these days. Must be from Lucifer. I should have checked up on you before. It was selfish of me not to. Thank you for thinking of me like this.

I promise I'll spend time with you in the lounge. I just need to take care of a few things first. I still haven't debriefed with Admiral Hackett after Palaven. There's one other person I need to debrief with, too.

You have been on my mind. I've done more than just consider you. You have had a significant influence on me. I'm still coming to terms with the things we talked about in his apartment. I don't want to worry you, though. I'm doing what I can to push past this. Maybe even stepping outside of my comfort zone.

I'll see you later.

-Shepard

.

This flood of feelings again.

Counteracting the numbness.

Making me remember how to live.

Not only from Liara's words, her care for me. But because she had also read my reply right away. No delay, no hesitation whatsoever. Like she had sat on that couch in the lounge, glued to her omni-tool. Waiting and hoping for my response. And finally exhaling in relief once I'd sent it along. After nearly shattering her mind and body both from facing down Lucifer on Palaven, Liara worried most about me. Instead of herself. After I had shattered her mind and put her through hell years ago, Liara still loved me like this. Liara believed in me more than I had believed in myself over this past week. Enough to fuck up and fuck around and still believe we could redeem ourselves with each other. Even as I planned to shatter someone else's heart. Imminent. Falling from love and perfection and understanding to this end.

Staring at Anderson's pod in front of me, I wondered about his own life.

I had heard the rumors that he used to be married. No kids, divorce. He must've gone through something like this. If not exactly the same as me, then at least similar enough. A hero of the Alliance, a legend. Reduced to failure in relationships. Shame, humiliation. Unable to reconcile the fall from grace.

I placed my hand over the slight chill of his pod, his temporary coffin. I found strength in Anderson's memory. Knowing he had pushed on. Knowing he had kept going until his dying day. Knowing he had still inspired me until his last breath. His mistakes had never defined him. I couldn't let my own do the same to me—no matter what anyone else might've said or believed. I stood up with this resolve, leaving the cargo hold. I left to the engineering deck, to Aria's room. I couldn't avoid this conversation with her.

---

Standing just outside Aria's room, I fought against this sense of déjà vu.

I had been here before. The Normandy felt much bluer, much warmer now. Just like old times. And yet:

Stepping inside this room, my senses nearly overwhelmed me.

Aria sat on the bed. Head down. Facing me. Fully-dressed. Like she expected to leave at any moment.

I leaned against the wall nearest to the door. Arms folded. Waiting. Listening to the silence between us.

Aria broke this ice with fear heating her voice—"So. You figured it out. I'm busted. Aren't I?"

"Yeah," I said in a short burst. I felt air popping in my throat from controlling myself, my words.

"…how did you know? How did you find out?"

"The news about Shiala's passing. The timing. Right after her 'mysterious' death, you reported we were all systems go for this mission. You were involved. You would've had no reason to murder her. Unless someone ordered you to do it. Unless someone manipulated you—and you decided not to tell me."

Aria swallowed the air in her own throat.

"Aria, I get the feeling you didn't consider how this would play out. Not the actual reality. By not telling me, you repeated the cycle. The same cycle I was stuck in before you. The exact same cycle I begged you not to repeat when we first got together. Or am I wrong here? Did you consider that angle at all?"

"No…I only worried about the general consequences. I figured you'd be disappointed in me if you found out what I did. So I chose not to say anything…to avoid that outcome. You being disappointed in me."

"Disappointed? Disappointed?"

Aria took a shaking breath. "I know… It sounds stupid now that I'm saying it out loud." The reality in front of us now: "You've…already cut me off. I saw the moment you deleted our communication channels. You're not interested in reconciliation. Are you?" She already knew the answer to that. And if she didn't, she would soon find out. "When it happened, Sol found me out. The captain. Her last words to me back in Insomnia were, 'You're the one hope I have left.' I thought she meant that more broadly. For longevity's sake. But no. She had a more specific meaning. She had given me the time to confess. To tell you the truth. When I didn't, this stage began to form. I felt it coming. I should have said something."

"I understand what Sol meant. When you didn't do what I needed, she took care of things. She took steps to make sure I would be fine on my own for the mission. Sol had already moved on. She's been done. Now I've caught up with her. There's no going back from this. I wish I could. I wish we could fix things. I would only end up resenting you later. For something on this scale, I can't do it. I'm incapable."

"Incapable," echoed Aria, so hollow. "You literally can't do it? We can't work this out at all?" Hearing her say it like that made me feel less-than. Even though I knew my limits. I knew them, I saw my limits, and I could not. Disabled from this path. "Babe, please. Our memories together… I'll do anything you need!"

"I needed you to not do this. This one thing. The most important thing I asked for."

Aria saw the logic in my words, but logic didn't seem to hold much weight with her.

I didn't blame her. I never could.

I had already made up my mind. Back in this cycle, back in this repetition, and I'd wanted to shoot my head clear off of my fucking neck. I couldn't stay in this situation. I needed to leave—for my own sanity.

I remembered another conversation we'd had in this room.

"We had a talk before, Aria. Months ago during the last mission. Everything was going great for us. I would cook for you; bring the meals here. Take care of your dry cleaning. Spend time with you; watch your favorite shows and vids together. You asked me that day…what the catch was. I seemed so perfect at the time. As if I didn't have any shortcomings. Nothing about me you needed to worry over. I'm sorry for not warning you ahead of time. I thought you knew. But it was this. This is the catch. Exactly this."

Almost all the color drained from Aria's face.

This deathly paleness about her startled me.

"Shepard…I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too."

"I just need to know. Will you really be okay? After Palaven, I'm guessing you will be."

"I'll be fine," I told her. "I don't need anyone to protect me anymore. Don't worry about me."

Slumping over, she buried her face in her hands. "Then everything I did…it was all for nothing. That fucking devil. Ashley played me! She knew you'd end up reacting like this, didn't she?!"

The answer seemed obvious.

Equally obvious: "We're done, Aria. We're done. Take your things and leave the ship." No reaction from her. Not on the outside. "Do you have a place to stay on the Citadel? We'll be there soon enough."

"…yes. Liselle…she has an—an apartment. She's there. Waiting for me. I'll—I'll stay with her…while I figure out what to do about Omega."

For some reason, Aria looked at me then. Looking me straight in the eye. Determination brimmed there. At once familiar and forgotten for me. She stood up and walked over here. Over to me still leaning against this wall with my arms folded. Aria didn't give me any room to push her away. She grabbed my face and kissed me. Except I didn't react. I couldn't react. Her fingerless gloves against my skin felt as old, scarred leather. Her grip around me felt like a clawed vice pinching at my skull. Her lips over mine felt empty. Like Aria had turned into a solid ghost, doing this to me for her own pleasure. Not for mine.

When she opened her eyes and stared back into mine, Aria shuddered in shock.

She stumbled away from me. Horrified by what she saw:

This deadened, lifeless look of mine. Devoid of feeling. Passionless. Done.

"Aria," I said, sounding as I appeared. She shivered in this cold. "I'm really sorry about this. I blame myself. For not bringing up the issue sooner. I had a feeling you kept something from me. I should've asked questions. I should have pressed you—especially after you lied and told me not to worry about it."

"No, that wasn't the solution… Asking me directly—it would've been a disaster. I would have lied to your face. That would've caused this same outcome. Or maybe something worse. I don't want to know." Turning her back to me, I stared at that brand on her jacket. The brand of her ego. Yet not even that mechanism could hold her up right now. "Strange. I knew I could never have both. True love with someone and my station. I've always had to choose. Except this time, you've made the choice for me. A consequence of my own actions. I fucked up. I lost Omega. Now I have to start all over…without you."

"You have your daughter. You'll get Omega back, too. I'm very thankful for everything you've done for me, for the team. I don't want you to think I hate you, either. I just can't go on anymore as we were."

"I know, Shepard. Those are the only things keeping me standing. Instead of breaking down." The sharpness of the crests along the back of her head; she glanced at me behind her. "You should go. I need to call her. I need to deal with this. Loving you will never be enough. So leave me to this purgatory."

Respecting Aria's wishes, I left her room.

Her door locked behind me. Past this barrier, she stifled any noise she let out. Smothered agony.

As I left to the elevator, I opened my omni-tool again. The extranet page I'd had open. Sha'ira's site.

I booked an appointment to speak with her not long after we reached the Citadel.

Reaching the command deck, I left the elevator for the war room. I wanted to debrief with Admiral Hackett before visiting Liara in the lounge. Passing through the CIC, I spotted Specialist Traynor at her station near the galaxy map. She also spotted me on my way elsewhere. The little squeak of fright she let out said enough. Still terrified of me, just like Cortez—if not for slightly different reasons. Maybe they would get over it eventually. Maybe they wouldn't. Their decision, not mine.

Past the security scanner and across the war room, I used the QEC to give Admiral Hackett a call.

Hackett soon answered, looking none the worse for wear. "Shepard, I'm glad you called," he said. "I was starting to worry. After Lucifer, I knew you needed time to rest and recharge. I was going to contact you myself by tomorrow. How are you holding up these days?"

"I'm—getting there, Admiral. It's an ongoing process. What about you? Where are you now?"

"The Fifth Fleet's at the Citadel. There's not much room for our ships, but we're pulling some strings with the Council where we can. Now that General Victus is getting Palaven on track, I've been reading over the reports about Earth. It's not looking good, Commander. Your hometown is the worst off. The city's devastated. But our remaining troops are working on pushing back the Reaper ground forces. Evacuating civilians has been the main priority. It's tricky now that the Citadel's refugee housing is full."

"Then where are the civilians? Just hanging out in limbo with Citadel Control?"

"Pretty much," confirmed Hackett. "They're making the transports sit around in line. Except the line keeps getting longer and longer by the hour. Some of them have lost patience with the process and flown off for Bekenstein instead. It's our human colony closest to the Citadel. Only the privileged few can really afford to do that. Bekenstein's the very definition of wealth inequality. Not just anyone can make it there. The existing colonists are already running campaigns against the refugees pouring in."

"I need to talk to the Council about this. The thing is, they're making me wait. My meeting with them isn't for a few more days. I get the feeling it's related to the bullshit they pulled with us."

Admiral Hackett agreed, "No doubt they're stalling. There was another matter with the Council, too. In the middle of our negotiations, they asked me to relay a message to you. They requested that you bring Tali'Zorah with you for your meeting. It's about the quarians and their war with the geth. Not just about that, though. Whatever this is, it's major. Something big. Do you have any idea what it might be?"

"Not really… Unless it's about the geth on Rannoch. I'm aware they aren't hostile anymore. The geth have been working to preserve Rannoch's civilization, ever since the quarians fled after the Morning War. They don't mean the quarians any harm, but I doubt the Migrant Fleet's willing to hear that."

"That's actually not surprising to me. I've heard a lot of reports from the region across my time in the military. Disposable reports—the type you'd maybe roll your eyes at before tossing aside. For the last three centuries, the geth have been bringing in several different materials past the Perseus Veil. We all assumed these materials were for their own ships. Preserving quarian civilization sounds right. But now that the Council is getting Tali'Zorah involved like this, I can tell: there's a lot more behind this story."

Legion must not have told me everything—about Rannoch, about the aftermath of the Morning War.

Recalling that simulation I'd experienced of Tali's ancestors—Tahlia, Aerie, and Raubahn—I wondered:

I wondered what this big secret was on Rannoch. A secret so dire that the Council needed Tali's help.

"Whatever this is, Admiral, we'll figure it out. I'll bring Tali with me to the meeting in a few days."

"I'll leave it to you, then. Keep me posted. I've also wanted to ask. Have you given any additional thought to my offer? About the Normandy joining the Fifth Fleet?"

I didn't want to say it—"I'll have to decline your offer, Sir. I'm sorry. I really am."

Saddened, he replied, "Somehow I'm not surprised. Could I at least ask why?"

"I'm…not feeling up to it."

"When you say it like that, Shepard, it sounds concerning. Did something happen?"

I explained enough about Aria. Our irreconcilable situation. Breaking up. No concrete details.

Hackett nodded in understanding. "I see… I'm sorry to hear that. Is it safe to assume, then, that Dr. T'Soni is your only second now? If anything happens with you in the future, should I contact her?"

"Yes, Admiral," I responded. "As for your ships, maybe you should stay at the Citadel for now."

"That's true. With Earth under siege and Arcturus Station destroyed by the Reapers, we can make the Citadel our new base of operations. It would be nice to get some repairs done on our ships and give our personnel a break. We're all on-edge with the Reapers out there. The 63rd suffered heavy losses while extracting General Victus from the museum on Palaven. Admiral Mikhailovich will have his hands full repairing his flotilla yet again. For your mission, if you happen to need reinforcements, give us a call. It'll take time for us to reach your location. Just know you can always count on the Fifth Fleet, Commander."

"Thank you, Sir… That means a lot."

Admiral Hackett knew I had more going on. More demons to deal with on my own. He likely had his own share to deal with, too. The clear limits of our work relationship kept this conversation from going down that road. We recognized the other's struggles. That was enough. And so I saluted him. He saluted me back. We ended the call and returned to our lives. We would speak to one another again in due time.

---

After taking a moment in my room, cleaning myself up, I headed down to the crew deck.

Already I heard the Christmas jingles from the music playing in the lounge. Such a chatty warmth emanated from the lounge where Kasumi's room used to be. Almost like a burning fireplace of words, cozy in unity together. So far-removed from the angst I had buried into in recent days. The group had kept the lounge door open, their conversation freely flowing down the hall. I followed that flow inside.

Soon I spotted Liara relaxing on the couch. Lying there in a contented bliss, she had curled up beneath a blanket, resting her head over a pillow. She stared out to the stars past the window, listening to the group talking at the card table off to the side. Entering the room in my usual silence, I found an unexpected sight at the table. Jack, Tali, EDI, and Legion played a game of poker together. Legion wore a cute little Santa hat over its rounded head, red and white flatness drooping down behind. EDI had changed into a red, white, and green version of her uniform, reminding me of a candy cane. Jack didn't seem to be in the same festive mood, grumbling under her breath as she surveyed her cards. Tali had brightened considerably from behind her mask, spotting me at the door from where she sat at the table.

Talking together, their group went through a play-by-play of the mission on Palaven. Apparently they had seen the vids of our battle against Lucifer. I still remembered how much Liara had impressed me out there, holding her own against that colossal ship. The memory helped to lighten my mood some more.

As I walked over to Liara's side, Tali kept her eyes to me. I felt this subtle interest seeping through her joy. Like she had picked up on something. And this something made her smile even more. She stayed discreet enough to stay quiet. Still I saw Tali hiding in plain sight this way. Only half paying attention to her card game, Tali kept a jubilant watch on me as I went over to her best friend. Caring, reflective.

Liara noticed my reflection in the window. She turned to smile at me in a starry-eyed brightness.

The natural sheen coating Liara's eyes helped shine over this dull ache in my chest.

"Hello, stranger," she said, curling her legs in to make room. "Sit down with me. I've missed you."

"Hey, you." I took my seat on the other end of the couch. "How long have you been here for?"

"Most of the day so far. At first it was just Tali with me. She wanted to watch the Palaven vids again. Then the others stopped by to play cards. Kaidan and Garrus had also joined us for a while. They are still tired after the mission. I believe Samara is suffering the same. She has yet to emerge from her room."

"Well, there's plenty of time to rest now. We don't need to leave the Citadel until the next mission."

"That will be nice. When is your meeting with the Council?"

"Not right away," I replied. "I want you, Wrex, and Tali with me at the Citadel Tower. I'm sure Wrex has his concerns about the genophage. Admiral Hackett recommended we bring Tali with us. He said we'd find out why when we get there. And the asari councilor owes us an explanation about everything else."

Liara scowled in unease. "Yes, I spoke with Samara about some of Tevos' motivations. That is what we discussed when we stood outside the museum the other day. It is safe to say the councilor has not been very forthcoming with us. You will need to encourage the full truth out of her."

"I plan on it. I just need a few more days to sort myself out."

"I understand, Shepard. Did you have any plans in particular?"

I didn't enjoy admitting—"I made plans to speak with someone. You know. About all of this. I had a limited selection, though. Security concerns and everything. Have you heard of Sha'ira on the Citadel?"

Liara raised her brows at me in a mix of jealousy and amusement.

I held my hands up in defense. "Liara, I'm not going to see her for comfort. It's just to talk."

"Yes, I know," she accepted, smiling anyway. "I may have spotted you browsing her extranet site on Palaven. As you are a Spectre, I sympathize with the many security concerns you have. I am certain Sha'ira has plenty of accommodations for you. It makes sense that you have chosen her. Or that the situation made you choose her. It is silly of me to be jealous of things like this. I sadly can't help it."

"No, it's okay. I wanted to give you a heads-up."

"Because you knew I would feel…a certain type of way over this?"

"Some type of way, yeah."

Liara reasoned, "Shepard, you would not have made this appointment with Sha'ira unless it was serious. I am willing to keep things in perspective here. I'm also wondering how someone else feels about this."

"If you mean Aria, she doesn't know. I broke up with her earlier. She's leaving the team."

"Oh… I'm—sorry."

This silence.

I gave myself a moment. Expecting to regret. Regretting this outcome, if possible. Even in giving myself this chance, this opportunity, I didn't need it. I had no regrets, which only made me wonder more. I already feared the impermanence of relationships. How I could feel so much, go through so much—only to crash into a hard limit and completely change my path. So much suddenly mattered for so little now.

But if I had stayed, the outcome would have been obvious.

I would've kept giving Aria a hard time. I never would have trusted her properly again. I would have been stuck in that asylum with those guns—a time-ticking bomb until I detonated in that gunfire. I wouldn't have had any time or space for reconciliation. Just completely consumed by that madness.

Liara watched me in curiosity. She watched these thoughts pass through my eyes, leaving me. In this moment, she couldn't see precisely what I felt—out of respect. She couldn't know how much she had helped me in recent days, both in her truth and in our shared lies. I understood that my life wasn't my own. That my life was for other people. I'd had to play this balancing act of living for others while also doing what I needed most, when I needed it most. Liara had helped me find this balance again, centering myself. Centering back to this middle-ground. This limbo we remained in together, waiting.

Waiting.

Staring at each other.

Unable to blink or look away.

During this liminal wait, we listened to the others playing their card game.

Their innocent game of poker. Waiting for someone else at the table to blink; to give away their hand.

Victorious, Jack slapped her winning hand of cards down on the green of the table.

"Royal flush, that's right!" she boasted. "It's my lucky day! Man, I'm wiping the floor with you people."

Tali sighed over her cards. "I'm thankful we're not actually gambling. I would have gone broke by now…"

EDI complained, "This act of 'bluffing' is dishonest. It clashes with my understanding of the game's rules. If I do not have a potential winning hand, I still must behave as if I do. I have not been very successful."

Jack collected her fake chips, colors clanging together. "Fake it 'till you make it, EDI! C'mon, you've seen me do it. Tali's done it and you can barely see her face. Hell, Legion doesn't even have a real face and I almost fell for its bluff that time."

"Yes," agreed Legion. "We believed Jack would be swayed by our bluff. She is more skillful with this deceit than we are. Our own skill at predicting deck probabilities has not worked to our advantage."

"Funny how that works," said Tali. "You have all these mechanical advantages as synthetics. Yet you can't beat Jack at her own game. What exactly is the lesson we're supposed to take away from this?"

Jack declared, "The lesson is we need to go harder! I'm getting bored with this innocent little game now. Come on, let's play some strip poker! Spice it up! No closing the lounge door, either! You gotta strip, you gotta do it where anyone else on the ship could walk in and see. Fair's fair, right?"

EDI asked, "How would this work for Tali? She is not capable of…removing her suit at this time."

Legion noticed, "EDI. Your soft tone contains suggestions of embarrassment—and arousal at the thoughts your words have encouraged. Are you attracted to Creator Tali'Zorah?"

Tali snapped, "Legion! Why would you say something like that?! You're being ridiculous!"

"We have already explained why. EDI's tone…"

Jack laughed so hard, she drowned out the sounds of Tali and Legion's arguing. Not the Christmas music, though.

This cheer and this tone in the room colored over my perceptions.

Watching Liara smile over that conversation, this holiday spirit entwined with her. Entwining with my sight, with my view of her. Back on Earth, Tali had reminded me of what December had meant before. An anniversary of loss, from losing Liara and me both back then. That definition had already started to shift, to change. The classic cold of this month melted away. Even here aboard the Normandy as we approached the Citadel. Even in this quiet moment as Liara gazed at me from her side of the couch. Warmed and covered by her blanket, she had pressed her feet along my leg, kneading a bit to keep my attention. This gentle touch from her; I settled my hand somewhere atop her ankle, my palm and her skin separated only by this blanket. Patience from her. Learning from me. Learning to lean on her.

By the time we reached the Citadel, it took a bit for us to leave this spot. This comfort we had found. I had watched the spectacle of the nebula outside this window, and found Liara captivated by me the entire time. She had watched the webs of color and light outside playing over me. She had watched my growing concern with all those ships out there, queueing endlessly with nowhere else to go. Liara and I ended up sitting here for a while longer. Even after Tali and the others had left the lounge, watching us as they went. In their departure, that music had stopped, returning to a calm, steady silence with no one else around us. We stayed here as the ship settled into the docking bay; as everyone left to the station.

Everyone walking through deck three to the elevator had spotted us from down the hall.

They had looked in here, into the light shining in from this window. They had found this energy about us—controlled and contemplative—and I felt their curiosities. Their wondering. Untapped excitement.

I needed to leave the Normandy, though. I had my appointment to speak with Sha'ira somewhat soon.

At some point, Liara asked me in a veiled simplicity, "Shepard. Do you need your space now?"

I prodded at her veil, her simplicity, "What do you mean by that?"

"Do you…need your space away from me? While you—move on from things. Getting over them."

Not even cold yet.

Time as meaningless, meaninglessness as timely.

Modesty. Decorum. Civility.

Respect for the past. As if this display would sow good tidings for the future.

"Liara, let's be real," I established. "You never expected this would happen. So you're not exactly prepared. I already feel what's going on. What you're not saying; what you're not doing. It's obvious."

"Well, that is true… Preparation plus opportunity equals success. I am not prepared for any of this."

"Yet the opportunity is there. Staring you right in the face."

Liara shifted beneath her blanket, faltering beneath my stare.

Control seeped from her skin. How she craved me. How badly she needed to seize me, even in these delicate hours following my breakup. She kept pushing it down. Stifling her possessive nature. Shoving this away, back into the dark crevices, far-removed from the respect she wished to show me. We had rushed into something with each other before, only to fuck it all up. We couldn't afford to repeat this.

"You want success with me," I added. "So if you aren't prepared, then now's your chance to fix that. I can see it in your eyes. What you at least need to ask me. I'm revving up my control as high as it will go right now. But you've been incredibly patient for a long time. If you need to ask something, then ask."

Liara didn't want these optics. Grilling me during these hours.

Yet we had already pulled back our masks with one another. She had accepted me for me, and I had accepted her for her. No matter how long this had taken, we had in fact reached this point. No matter how much she scared me at times, I didn't want her to hide from me. No sense in pretending otherwise.

Hardened, serious: "Do you plan on seeing other people? Even temporarily. Dating. Sleeping around."

"No, I don't. I'm not going to."

"Really?" questioned Liara. "There is at least one other person on this ship you have thoughts about."

"That other person is also off-limits to me. I can't with her. Will you still worry? After—what happened."

"Regardless of—what happened—I would still feel this way. I don't want you going after her instead. I don't want you pursuing anyone else besides me. I remember what we discussed before. How I asked you to wait until you are ready for us to be more. That is still my expectation. You do need this time."

"This is you being reasonable," I reasoned as well.

"Yes. It is."

"Then what is your unreasonable stance? What aren't you saying?"

She knew I already knew.

The way Liara stared at me, the dark centers of her irises pulling me in, absorbing me as black holes.

The way she stopped herself from physically pulling me into her, exposing us to the silence of the ship.

Still she settled on telling me:

"I won't answer that, Shepard. Not now. Not while you are still grieving what you've lost. I only needed to make sure you wouldn't go off the rails. I need to be able to predict you at times. At least with this."

"Okay… Then we should get going."

Removing the blanket from herself, Liara stood up first. She needed to get changed before we left to the docking bay. Collecting her pillow, and easing the blanket from her hold, I stood up with her. I didn't mean to start folding her blanket like this. Maybe a nervous habit for order, for cleanliness. Nervous because of the way Liara stared up at me. How much she held back in this moment. The blackest night of her gaze, and I felt entirely responsible. Like I was the one who had fucked her up and left her this way. Now I had returned to pick up these pieces, only to find Liara didn't need me to do that. She needed me to respect her as the woman she was today—the woman she could not change. And I did.

I did, enough to follow Liara without a word. Back to her office. Except I waited outside. I waited after Liara had relieved me of her belongings, taking her pillow and blanket from my arms. Taking them inside her room without me. Dutifully I waited until she emerged again, getting used to this change of pace.

---

Doing our best to do our best.

Not running wild with this newfound sovereignty.

Not trampling all over the memories that had brought us to this point.

Leaving the Normandy, Liara and I found the effects of the war on the Citadel. So many people congregated in this docking bay. People taking up every single chair and bench around. People staring out the windows in a daze, as if waiting for someone to arrive out there. People saying goodbye to family and loved ones getting shipped off to battle. I felt these twinges. Twinges of reminders of my own goodbyes. Separations, devastations. Witnessing these farewells around me did help me come to terms with my most recent one. Like I wasn't alone in this feeling, even with our different circumstances.

I stopped for a moment to gaze out one of the windows myself. The rise of the Wards jutted out from each of the Citadel's arms. Peaks and valleys of the cities, the housing, the buildings, with the rushing breeze of the many skycars traveling through. Artificial sunlight glared a white-blue over the scenery, oddly calming. I let myself stare out at the Citadel's permanence while awash in this impermanence, this evanescence. I let these twinges break my heart in public, knowing no one else could really see me. Just our reflections again. Our reflections as Liara stayed behind me, watching this statuesque breaking about me in the window. For once, for the first time, I didn't mind her witnessing this of me. Nothing else came out. No one else could tell. This strange transition of acceptance: accepting her seeing my vulnerability. Again it helped me to not feel so alone. To not feel like such a monster, uncompromising.

I had witnessed Aria's entire life through her eyes.

I had dedicated myself to her, and she to me.

She had saved my life many times over.

She had changed for me—mostly.

And still it wasn't enough.

The cruelty of it all spoke more to me right now. More than the logic behind my decision to leave. Justified or unjustified. Right or wrong. Fucked up or not fucked up. Somewhere in the middle; somewhere on a spectrum without a clear answer. Not merely black-and-white, this colorful situation had colored my face red in another bout of shame. Completely humiliated knowing I'd fucked things up, shattering someone else's heart. I couldn't just stand by my principles this time and rise above it all. I couldn't just tell myself I'd had the right of it. I couldn't just accept this crater I had created of her spirit.

But I had to keep moving forward. I had to move on. I had to put this behind me while striving to do better, as Liara and I had promised the other day. Not striving, and instead wallowing in my mistakes—or falling into those ideations that had maimed me… I couldn't let myself do that again. Never again.

I had already known this war would test me—maybe even break me.

I had never expected anything like this as my trial by fire.

Fortifying myself, I heard the sounds of familiar voices somewhere behind me.

The original team had all gathered together. Kaidan, Garrus, Tali, and Joker had found Wrex, welcoming him back with us after so long. Liara had gone to them—both to say hello and to distract them from me having a moment by myself. Wrex's guffawing laughter and hardened joy radiated all the same. Almost like traveling back in time. Not to simpler times. I never wanted to go back to those days. That struggle.

"Sure is good to be back," said Wrex, his deep, drawling baritone resounding across the crowd. "Mixed feelings about leaving Tuchanka behind, but duty calls. Now where the heck is Shepard? Haven't seen her since the last time we were here. For the Armax Arena thing with the Reapers. She leave already?"

None the wiser, Garrus looked around. "No idea, actually. I get the feeling she's around here somewhere. You know the commander doesn't like standing out in a crowd."

Liara chose not to say anything, despite keeping her energies laser-focused on me.

Joker pointed out, "Uh, about that… Just a heads-up. I saw Aria leaving the ship earlier. With all of her stuff. She didn't say a word to me when I asked her about it. Did they—break up or something?"

"They must have," figured Kaidan. "Shepard practically turned into a ghost after Palaven. Didn't see her around the Normandy for anything. She was probably upset that whole time… Maybe she still is now."

Wrex mourned, "That's too bad… I was looking forward to seeing Aria again. Can't predict what could've happened with them. Knowing the commander, I'm guessing she won't give us any details."

Tali worried, "I just hope Shepard's all right. She's been through so much. Carrying the fate of the galaxy on her shoulders is bad enough. I'm afraid she's not giving herself any room to fall. She has such high standards for herself. I can't imagine what's going through her head these days… I wish I knew."

Kaidan chose optimism. "Don't worry, I'm sure Shepard will bounce back. Just give her some time."

My team took their conversation to the nearest elevator, off to spend some quality time together.

I knew I should have said something to them. Or at least welcomed Wrex back personally.

This thick lump in my throat kept me from doing anything.

This inconvenience in me only swelled once I found Liara returning to my side.

I had expected she would leave with her friends. Yet she'd chosen to support me instead.

Liara found these questions in my eyes, explaining, "I told them to go on ahead. I will catch up with them another time." She placed her hands along the sides of my arms, rubbing my sleeves in warming brushes, up and down. "You need to get to your appointment. Will you let me walk with you?"

Memory fogged in heartache, I had almost forgotten. "Yes, that's fine. Thanks…"

As we left to the elevator, Liara stayed close to me. I wouldn't hold her hand like any other time. I couldn't yet. Not now that this meaning between us had changed. I tried to focus more on our surroundings. The vid screens we passed by, with the news anchors reporting the details of our victory on Palaven. They must've shown this footage of Liara's heroism a thousand times—her sheer force of will in facing down that Reaper head-on. I already knew I'd never get tired of seeing it. A leader's pride.

Soon enough, we reached the pristine white offices and pathways of the Presidium. The familiar lake ran around the Citadel's innermost ring in stillness, reflecting the simulated cloudy skies above. Life carried on across the Presidium as well, just as it did from that view of the Wards at the docking bay. The privilege of staying so far away from the war. The continuation of their routines, their work, their businesses. Liara and I passed by this continuation as we walked on. We crossed this bridge over the lake that led to the financial district. We walked right by these politicians, these suits and executives out on their lunch breaks at this hour. Even they couldn't stop talking about Palaven, despite this privilege of relative peace they enjoyed. They seemed to deify Liara and me both. Like we weren't real people at all.

Their unending praise only worsened this disconnect I felt.

I couldn't help agreeing with what Tali had said about me. About holding myself to these high standards. When I failed these standards, I didn't know how to forgive myself. I did my best, now, to remember the patience Liara had advised to me. I started to wonder if my airtight personal regime had led to this. No room to mess up. I always had to be 'on.' On-point, on scruples. Never allowed to step out of line, ever.

Because if I messed up, someone would die. Possibilities of a critical mission failure.

Still so vigilant, even now. I sensed something out in the distance. Glancing just so, I spotted someone watching Liara and me. I recognized them, too. Aria's thugs. Following me, keeping watch. Keeping eyes on me. As much as it bothered me, I really couldn't focus on that right now. I just needed to get out of their sight.

Maybe I needed to stop overlapping my work expectations with the ones for my personal life.

Just as I thought that, my omni-tool lit up with a couple of emails.

One was from Udina of all people. Now-Councilor Udina, having taken over Anderson's position. I really didn't want to see him again at our meeting in a few days. So I glossed over his email, barely reading it. He asked me for some recommendation. Putting a name forth for…something. Something important.

I would have read Udina's email more carefully if not for the second message I received:

From: Tali'Zorah – You okay?

Shepard,

I heard about what's going on. The rumors are already spreading around the team and the crew. I thought something was strange when I barely saw you around the ship after your last mission. I've been really worried about you. I'm glad you at least spoke with Liara today. She's been very worried, too. Crying herself to sleep every night. She's hurting because you're hurting. I feel the exact same way.

We don't have to discuss it if you'd rather not. I just want you to know that I'm here. I'm here for you, Shepard. Regardless of anything else, you are still my friend. I want you to be okay again. If I don't hear back from you, then I hope we can see each other on the Citadel sometime. Whenever you're up for it.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You've been through so much. You'll get past this. I know you will.

-Tali

Staring up at the Presidium's false sky, I force-dried my eyes.

Again I couldn't stand this feeling.

This feeling of being imperfect before Liara—and now with Tali, too.

Knowing that my own failures had made them worry about me, so deeply upset like this.

Liara and I made it to the consort's chambers in this corner of the district. Just next to the lake, where a few other politicians sat together on a bench. They didn't notice us passing by. Right as we made it to the doorway of the chambers, I stopped. Liara stopped, too. By the look on her face, she knew already.

"You are hesitating, Shepard. Are you nervous about us going inside together?"

"Well, yeah… I've never done anything like this before. Let alone had someone with me."

Liara gently argued, "You did accompany me inside the hospital tents on Palaven. This is not very different. Except for our roles being reversed once more. Will you allow me to do this for you?"

I did want her to. I wanted her to give me this energy. I…needed her protective support—from now on.

Actually saying the words seemed impossible.

Again Liara stepped closer to me. She gave this wordless reminder. The reminder that she wanted to be there for me. I had to decide whether or not I would let her. Standing in uncharted territory together.

I simply nodded to her.

She beamed at me in relief, in gratitude.

"I will wait out in the lobby while you speak with Sha'ira."

As we entered the lobby, the calmed bustle of activity here grounded me. Other people sat around on the couches, speaking with other asari and human acolytes. Other clients shared their problems and their worries, finding solace from the ones listening to them in patience. Those attendants each wore the same dress-uniforms of soft pink, white, and red, somewhat revealing—enough to invite racier thoughts without outright encouraging them. Probably helped to ease conversation out of the clients.

I felt my mind erecting an iron-tight barrier against those same influences.

At the front counter stood a congenial-looking asari attendant, smiling at Liara and me both.

"Commander Shepard, welcome!" she hailed, just soft enough to not attract attention. "I am Nelyna, one of the consort's acolytes. We've been expecting you. You are right on time for your appointment."

"I'm surprised Sha'ira even let me book an appointment on the same day. Isn't this place popular?"

"We are indeed! There are many who seek the consort's services. Your Spectre privileges ensured you could see her on this same day—instead of the usual six-month waiting period."

"Six months?" I repeated. "The last I heard, the wait was three months."

"Mm, it certainly used to be," explained Nelyna. "The consort has received a boost in popularity in recent years. During the Battle at the Citadel, it was believed our mistress had perished alongside her clients present in this building. However, there is a powerful protective field outside that prevented any of us from serious harm, while simultaneously hiding us from enemy detection. The consort used these chambers to house the few survivors from the battle, caring for their wounded souls as you braved the field outside. Her gallantry has attracted several new clients from across the galaxy in the years since."

"No wonder. Explains a lot. So business is booming."

"As you can see, our many other attendants are happy to speak with anyone waiting in the meantime. This is to prevent our clients from giving up in impatience. But you are special, Commander. Our mistress will not have you wait. You may go in and see the consort at any time. She is ready for you."

"All right. Thanks."

Nelyna smiled over my brusqueness, gesturing to the greater section of the lobby leading upstairs.

As Liara and I walked through the area, we spotted an open seat over in a corner. Far enough removed from the other clients chatting with their own acolytes. Close enough to the stairs leading to Sha'ira's actual chambers—Liara could simply look up at any time, watching for me that way. We hovered here for a short while. I didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to say. Until I thought to ask her:

"So…what do you plan on doing while I'm in there?"

Liara opened her omni-tool. "I will continue working on my paper. The one on Shiala's research. I need to finish the final draft before her memorial service on Christmas Eve. Tali had forbidden me from working while I rested before. I would like to get caught up now that she can't scold me anymore."

"Sounds good."

Silence again. Hovering again.

Then, "Shepard. There is one more thing before you go. I will turn off my sensing completely. I know you do not need my nosiness right now. At least not while you are with Sha'ira. In the future, if you wish for me to turn it off, then just say the word. The actual words, I mean. Tell me to turn it off, and I will."

"Do you mean that…in a different sense, too?"

"Of course I do. You already know."

We shared this quiet understanding. Unspoken. Because speaking it didn't seem right just now.

Gentle sounds of heels clicking along the floor, toward us. The slight drag of a dress brushing along. That dress, the same as her acolytes wore, curved around the pastel blue of an asari's skin. Such a sensual confidence about Sha'ira, disciplined as she approached. Sanitized as this smile on her face—all-knowing—completely clean of any unclean thoughts. Only the most professional of conducts from her.

"Why hello, Commander," spoke Sha'ira, clasping her wrists over her front, prim and proper. "Thank you for deciding to visit me today. I am always happy to speak with new clients. Especially one as unexpected as yourself. You will have unlimited time with me for our session, should you wish to use it."

"Unlimited time? Don't you have other clients, too? People who made appointments months ago?"

"They can always reschedule. This is simply part of your privileges as a Spectre. Please understand."

I didn't have much room to complain. "If you say so, Sha'ira. I'll keep it in mind."

Liara did her best to keep her jealousies, her concerns in-check. Yet I still saw them all over her face, disguised as regular frustrations. Almost like she expected Sha'ira to say something to her—or else.

Sha'ira recognized that cutting, protective energy, and smiled at Liara anyway.

"Good day to you as well, Dr. T'Soni," she said—bowing to Liara, to appease her jealousy. "I had hoped to find you with the commander before she arrived to my chambers. I accept that you are not exactly pleased by my reputation. It is true that a number of my clients come to me for certain comforts first, and regular conversation second. However, your partner acutely specified she wished to avoid my more erotic services during our session. I have every intention of respecting her wishes—including yours."

Appeased indeed, Liara still responded in curtness, "And I accept your promise, Sha'ira. But how did you know to give me these words in the first place? You are speaking to me as if…"

"The wisdom is all around you, my dear sage. Your eukrasia is profound. I already know to say no more."

Disarmed by that cryptic answer, Liara went quiet, burrowing herself deep in thought.

Sha'ira then offered, "Commander, if you are ready for us to speak now, please follow me."

Looking to Liara one last time, I waited for her permission. She merely nodded to me before taking her seat. Liara watched as I went upstairs, following behind Sha'ira's flowing, swan-like gait; her mystery.

---

At the door to her chambers, Sha'ira paused for me to head in first.

This customary care for me, for her new client.

I walked inside the room, only to stop again in surprise.

I had expected to find a normal room. Nothing special. And I did—except this lighting. This ethereal, all-encompassing blue lighting the entire room. And this music. The softest of piano keys, indiscernible and reverberating. Quiet enough as white noise within this decently-sized room. A window overlooking the Presidium, blinds drawn across the pure white light outside, keeping any prying eyes from looking in. A coffee table in the center and a rounded couch just nearby. Something of a domed bed across the way, where I assumed Sha'ira had spent certain time with other clients. Along with this quieted music, and the blue everywhere. The same blue as Liara's skin tone. Almost like I had submerged myself in the ocean of her again, seas flowing through time, through the depths of her; again absorbed by her love.

Purposeful and prepared.

Planned ahead of time—just for me.

Sha'ira had already closed the door behind us. She ambled past me, over toward the couch.

"Would you like to sit with me, Shepard? You may help yourself to a drink—water or tea."

Staying put, I asked her, "How did you know to do this? Why'd you choose this color? And the music?"

Glancing around to the ambiance of the room, Sha'ira replied, "I believe the answer is obvious. My goal is to cater to your needs. Each one of my clients has their own specific needs. Your needs are finer than any individual I have encountered. I see right away why this is foreign to you: seeking out the aid of another person. Especially one who is a stranger to you. You are so accustomed to standing on your own; leaning on another feels much the same as freefalling into an abyss. You are lost in my presence."

How unusual that she'd picked up on this so quickly.

"If it will help you relax, I would like to begin our session with a routine. Or rather, techniques I routinely offer to my new clients. Each person who has entered here has shared in these techniques with me."

"All right. What do you need me to do?"

Sha'ira gave a veil of a smile. "You may begin by coming closer to me. Instead of standing by the door."

Looking over my shoulder, I found the door's surface almost at my back.

Steeling myself—or trying not to—I stepped over to the couch. The opposite side. Opposite Sha'ira. As I walked, I felt her observations. How she seemed to jot down these mental notes about me…in the softest handwriting possible, non-judgmental. My perfunctory walk, military-tight. No eye contact yet.

I sat down instead. Facing that bed, but not really looking at it.

I glanced down at the drinks on the table. Not trusting the substances, I decided against trying them.

Sitting down across from me, Sha'ira continued on, "I would first like to offer you a gift, Commander. A gift of words. An affirmation of who you are, and who you will become. Are you interested?"

Not seeing any harm in words, I nodded. She found enough of my eyes from this angle, seeing me:

"I see your skin, tough as the scales on any turian. Unyielding. A wall between you and everyone else. But it protects you, makes you strong. You never hide your strength, either. It serves you well. Terrifies your foes and allies alike. Few will dare to stand against you. It is that strength that people are drawn to. It is why you lead, and others follow, without question. Yet this strength also isolates you; makes you believe you cannot tolerate weakness. Not even your own. You now appear to be at a crossroads where your personal strength has fractured, even as your military might has transcended your wildest dreams."

Vulnerable, stripped-down, I had to admit, "Yeah…that sounds about right."

Sha'ira added in kindness, "This may be who you are, but it is not who you will become. It only forms the basis for your future greatness. Doubt has already descended upon you. And now you are here."

"You have quite the gift, Sha'ira."

"Thank you. Not everyone appreciates it as you do. I am confident you aren't one to underestimate the power of words. Or the power of preparation and foresight. That is the motivation behind this mood."

Looking around at the blue surrounding us, I wondered, "Was this supposed to relax me?"

"Yes," she confirmed. "My prior knowledge of you inspired this change in ambiance. It is not my intent to deceive you, or to lower your guard for nefarious reasons. I understand you are abnormally intelligent, Commander. Such that any attempts to influence you may come off as underhanded or controlling. I mean you no harm with my influence. But you must come to believe me on your own."

I accepted her reasons. They made sense. I had gotten too used to finding malice where there was none.

Sha'ira gave me a moment to chill out.

Remembering Liara sitting right outside in the lobby, I relaxed. This symbiosis prevailed between us. The gesture, the meaning helped to take some of this edge off. Because I hadn't decided to come here only for myself. I hadn't set foot inside this room for my own reasons. I had hurt too many people in the past. Other people had hurt me too many times. I remained in this strange flux, affected and disaffected. In this flux, I didn't want to step onto the wrong path. I didn't want to go down the worst path of hurting more. Hurting her. Hurting what we still had. Hurting, destroying what we could've had in the future.

Open to healing, I looked into the open gaze of Sha'ira's eyes.

Calm in her compassion, she took my new temperament as her cue to carry on.

"My gift of words was the first technique," she said. "The second technique stems from the first. It is an exercise I always ask of my first-time clients. A thought exercise. One of self-reflection."

"That's fine," I accepted. "What is this exercise?"

"I would like you to describe yourself in one word."

"Just one word?"

"Yes, only one. Speak the word aloud. This will help me better determine your current state of mind."

Strangely enough, I didn't need to think about it all that much:

"Tyrant."

"'Tyrant'?" asked Sha'ira, making sure she heard correctly.

I nodded again.

"Why 'tyrant,' Commander? Why did you choose this word over any other?"

"Because of how uncompromising I am. How high my expectations are of myself—sometimes of others. I'm used to people fearing me. Feeling intimidated by me. Not knowing how to approach me, what to say. I never really minded it. Except when it comes to my relationships. The moment someone crosses me to the point of no return, that's it. It's off with their head—metaphorically. Sometimes literally."

"You mean to say, once someone oversteps your boundaries, it is all too easy for you to devalue them."

"Yes."

"If it is the point of no return, that is critical," noted Sha'ira. "You do not make these judgments lightly. Nor do you make them for simple offenses. Only for the worst ones. The ones you cannot stand to bear. The ones that, when broken, will lead to a broken relationship."

"The thing is, these worst ones keep repeating with different people. Over and over and over and over and over again. It's getting to the point where I don't even know anymore. I don't know if they're the worst offenses, or if I'm just an asshole. An asshole incapable of working things out. Working through relationship problems like a normal person—instead of tearing everything down like a tyrant, burning those bridges, breaking their hearts, and never looking back. Everything's blending together for me."

"This repeating firehose of awful extremes has become normalized for you."

"That's one way to put it."

"Then, leading up to this point of no return—were your relationships fraught with problems beforehand? Or were they relatively harmonious? Or perhaps somewhere in between?"

"…all of the above, for different relationships."

Sha'ira noticed, "So they shared this recurring offense. Of your partner overstepping your boundaries."

"Pretty much."

"If I might ask, could you summarize this recurring offense? What are your hard limits?"

"When someone lies to me. When someone keeps something from me. Especially if they think I won't find out on my own. The biggest lies lead to the worst outcomes. I don't mind white lies. I don't mind someone keeping a secret from me to surprise me with later. I don't mind a major lie now, only for them to fess up shortly afterward. What I can't tolerate is when someone lies for a living, and they bring that into the relationship. I can't tolerate someone scheming, murdering behind my back and keeping it from me. I can't tolerate when someone promises they'll do the one thing I need, only to break the promise."

"That all sounds perfectly reasonable to me, Commander. Or do you not feel the same?"

Gripping my forehead, I muttered, "I don't know. Like you said, it's all normalized by this point. It's happened so many times, I'm starting to doubt my own reality. Like I'm really just supposed to stay with someone and work things out—even after they step right over my tolerances, with no regard whatsoever for what I need. Like all the good times we had are supposed to balance out this one thing I can't stand. Like all the positive things someone did for me have to compel me to stick around."

"Except that is not the case," said Sha'ira. "They don't compel you. They don't balance out."

"No, they don't… I listen to the facts. The facts compel me. The facts create, maintain, and determine the balance—even the scales themselves. The knowledge is in control. The knowledge is always in control. Not my feelings. Because once I hear the knowledge, or even suspect something, my feelings flutter away. They leave. I fall out of love almost overnight. There's no hope of reconciliation. None."

"This sudden process frightens you, then. As if the past itself is erased by the facts. By the knowledge."

This blankness.

The white of the void.

The void devouring the weight of these memories.

Blotching them away like an inky whiteout.

"Shepard, your rigid adherence to facts and knowledge is an extreme facet of your personality. I remain curious about something else you said. That even when you suspect something, your feelings will change. The concrete presence of facts isn't always necessary. Your instincts may also be enough."

"Yes, but I'm not a prophet or anything. I can't read someone's mind. I try not to act off of my instincts alone. If they end up being right, I'm usually not surprised. Like with something that happened recently."

"What happened recently?"

With Liara in her room…

I explained the situation. As much as I could. Everything leading up to that—without naming names, except for Liara's. I didn't want to implicate anyone else. Legally, with what happened to Shiala. Even though I had Sha'ira's promise of total confidentiality and airtight security, I kept this secret of my own.

When I finished, Sha'ira simply said, "I understand. Please give me a moment to process this. I am not judging you at all, Commander. Rather, there is something I am attempting to hone in on." Taking her at her word, I just waited. I waited, trying not to pull at my hands or anything, giving my nerves away. "You mentioned the character of your feelings for Dr. T'Soni, for Liara. How they would hide from you at times. How you could go for weeks or months without noticing them. Only for your emotions to suddenly burst forth—often at unexpected times. Such as the private time you shared together most recently."

"Yes… What about it?"

"Has this happened with anyone else before?"

"Not my other exes," I supplied. "There's someone else—Tali'Zorah—who I've always liked over the years. I keep away from her because I know things would get too crazy with us. It's better for us to stay as friends. I'm not against us messing around or whatever, but I told Liara I wouldn't do that. I'm already on thin ice with myself after cheating the way I did. I don't want to go against this promise I've made."

"That is noble of you. Aside from Tali'Zorah, then, you do not have recurring feelings for anyone else."

"I don't."

Sha'ira prodded a bit more, "And when you experienced your breakups, did you wonder about this? If you would have any recurring feelings for them?"

"The thought never crossed my mind. When Liara and I ended things before, we both knew we weren't 'done'. She accepted this more than I did. I may have been in denial for all these years. But we knew."

"Then I'd like for you to describe this process with Liara. How have your repressed feelings returned?"

"In every relationship I've had—since I met Liara, anyway—my feelings for her would come back to the surface. Every single time. Every person I've been with, they would have Liara on their minds at some point. They would be jealous of her. They would respect her place in my heart. Or they would underestimate her, treating Liara's feelings for me like a little sideshow. Like entertainment. Like it was a joke. Except it wasn't a joke. I would assume I was over Liara, only for everything to swell back up. There are times when I've cried my heart out, just because I missed her like hell. There are times when I nearly lost my mind, panicking, just because I knew I would see her again after we'd been apart for so long. There were times when we would fool around, close to having sex—even though I was seeing someone else. There were times when we would be alone, and I'd need her so much closer to me. It took everything I had not to fall back in with her. It was only a matter of time until I had an actual affair with her. It was only a matter of time until she made me lose control with her. Somewhere, I knew that…and it scared the hell out of me. I needed to put her out of sight, out of mind. Otherwise, my relationships with these people wouldn't have survived. They ended up failing anyway. But not because of Liara."

"So Liara is special to you. At least, that is how I'm interpreting things. She is an exception in your eyes."

"If she's so special, why didn't we stay together before? Why aren't we still together now? Why are we just now working things out, years later? Years after I've destroyed so many others, including her."

Sha'ira enlightened me, "Shepard, these things do not always play out in a straight line. Nor does time play out in a single line. Situations, emotions, and opportunities branch off, converge, and meet again—only to depart once more. Sometimes, they will return. Other times, they will not."

I grumbled, "Just sounds like wasted times to me."

"Then allow me to rephrase," she offered. "Despite the painful inconveniences of your story with Liara, there is a deeper meaning. There is order within this chaos. You are not moved by emotion alone. You also require logic. If we are going by rules, then Liara has broken one of your most important ones. She has lied, and kept secrets, and done many things to hurt you in the past. Not solely on one occasion, but on multiple ones. And yet you still feel for her. By breaking your rules, Commander, Liara has created a long trail of logic for you to follow. The logic being that there is no logic behind your feelings for her."

"Even though she put my life through hell, I can't seem to forget about her. I want her to myself."

Sha'ira agreed, "There is no rhyme or reason. You simply love her. You simply adore her."

"I do feel that way about her. I really do, but I don't get it. I don't understand. I don't comprehend."

She smiled and said, "Then I invite you to pause your usual thought processes. Only for a short while."

I contorted my face in discomfort, in confusion. "You're asking me to change how I think?"

"I am asking you to stop thinking, Shepard. Just for a moment. Just for this. Stop thinking, and feel."

Several executables in my head simultaneously failed.

I came way too close to crashing down entirely.

I had only managed to do this when Liara suddenly kissed me last week. And then…

Seeing my clear struggles, Sha'ira amended, "A slight change of course. Let us instead focus on one emotion. One emotion in particular." That seemed…more digestible. More feasible. "Let us hone in on regret. We established that you still love Liara 'for no apparent reason.' Enough that you are willing to start over with her. Even though she is not immune to your wrath. Even though she, too, has made mistakes by lying to you. Do you regret that your other exes did not have these same privileges?"

"I kind of do regret it. I…expected that they would earn the privileges. Just because. Just because we were together, and it was so intense at the time. No one else ever became this same exception for me. I regret that they didn't. Maybe if they did, I would have worked things out with them instead. I would have forgiven them for shattering my hard limits. I feel like a monster…because I couldn't make this extraordinary change for them. I feel like a tyrant…all for something that was out of my control."

"Control," she echoed. "You must always be in control. Is this true, Commander?"

I nodded once more.

"Your regrets, your shame, your monstrous feelings—these have all come about as a result of this need you have. This need to be in control. You are also attempting to exert control where there can be none. Such is the case with these exceptions and non-exceptions. When someone crosses you, and you fall out of love with them—this result is out of your control. When you have no desire for reconciliation, while still feeling as though you should, this is a losing battle. You cannot control your feelings or lack thereof. You can only control your actions. Meaning you have the power to choose. The power of acceptance."

"Are you asking me to accept what I can't control…?"

"That is precisely what I am asking you."

"But if I can't control something, how can I rise above it? How can I conquer the problem? How can I improve myself and learn and get stronger?"

Sha'ira pointed out, "Your quickness in moving on from other relationships is a gift—a gift that protects you from long, drawn-out sorrows, meaning you have already risen above the problem. It is unfortunate for the other parties involved. It is natural for you to sympathize with their pain, their struggles. Beyond that, you must accept the situation for what it is. Not even you can control what cannot be controlled."

Even though she had a point, I still didn't like how cruel this made me feel.

"Commander, haven't you always found it painless to move on from your relationships?"

"Most of the time, yes. I wouldn't see the point in dwelling. Nothing ever seemed to last for me. I wish something would last. It's why I feel awful about my own boundaries. It's why I wish I could control this outcome more. Why I wish I could actually work things out even though I'm past that point."

"Taking this into consideration, have you noticed the one constant in your life?"

Again, I didn't have to think about it.

"Liara. She never left. Not even…not even when she died. She's been there for me through it all. Whether I noticed her or not. Whether I cherished her or not. Whether I wanted her there—or not."

"She has been waiting for you, Shepard. Waiting for you to wake up and realize this. Do you understand now?"

"Yes…I understand. I'm just starting to wonder now if I'm the liar. I would tell my exes that I wasn't attached to anyone anymore. I would say I didn't love anyone else. Was that true?"

"As far as you consciously knew—it was indeed true at the time. Your reassurances were not lies. Your feelings have once again returned to the surface. Your attachments to her appear to be as powerful as ever now. Whether you realized it or not, your love for Liara has grown over the years. Outside of your view. Outside of your perception. True love never dies. It will continue on until it can be nurtured again."

True love.

True love, even after everything?

Even though we'd never had the chance to actually love each other. Not while we were involved before. Where did this love come from? Why was it here? Why did it insist on sticking around? Why hadn't it died by now—just like the love I'd had for everyone else? What made this so special? How did it survive?

None of this made any sense to me.

"Shepard, may I ask what you like about Liara? What draws you to her? Why do you find her attractive?"

I pushed down my arousal in response, choosing other words instead—"Liara has this…fragile, emotional spirit. She also has a quiet strength. A honeyed softness to her vulnerability. Her smile. Her gentle mystique. Her sex appeal in how needy she is, how she craves me so badly. She makes me want to take her in my arms and never let go. She knows how hardened I am, and yet she still likes me. Liara smooths down my rough edges. She challenges me in so many ways. She's seen some shit—some of which is my fault. She has that darkness about her. It scares me sometimes. Liara is still incredibly kind, compassionate. She balances out. She is…unusual. She's everything. The entire universe in one woman."

"By contrast, what do you not like about her? What turns you off?"

"The thing that pushed us apart before. She can be petty and controlling. Or shady toward someone who doesn't deserve it. But when the situation is different, I love those things about her. It makes me laugh when Liara tells someone off more with her tone—and what she's not saying—than her actual words. She's clever and intelligent like that. I don't like it when she does those things out of spite or to be hateful."

Sha'ira guided my thinking: "You turned Liara's negatives into positives without prompting from me. That is revealing. The next time you run into a disagreement with her, would you be able to change your perspective? Each time Liara turns into this person, she is acting on her insecurities and low self-esteem. However, if she were more secure with you, I do not believe her behavior would repulse you as much."

Insecurities and low self-esteem…

Because of me. Because I hadn't given Liara the security she needed. How she needed to rely on me.

Clutching this realization close, I replied, "Yes, I can do as you said next time. From now on."

Sha'ira smiled over my thought process. "Because you see now this is within your control." I saw it now. I'd had no idea. No idea whatsoever about this duty I had to her. Now that I knew, I couldn't go back. "As for the rest, it is deceptively simple. Not everything in life is a struggle for power and knowledge."

I justified, "That's what I enjoy. I enjoy improving myself. I like learning; conquering the tough issues."

"Your persistent love for Liara is not a problem you must conquer. It simply is."

I had never considered anything like this. Nothing like this. Nowhere near this.

"Shepard, there is a greater lesson here. One in which you might learn to love Liara without constraints. Without the expectation that your relationship be 'productive' by conquering the tough issues, as you said. It is true that you can improve by being what Liara needs. By allowing her to rely on you. However, not everything in life exists in service to your thirst for knowledge. It is acceptable to love Liara in idleness: rather, to humbly love her day by day. I encourage you to learn to accept her shortcomings, such as her habits or tendencies that may annoy you. Show her the patience you would never give to another. Enjoy the quiet moments with her; the little things that often go unnoticed. The two of you will find other ways, I'm sure, to avoid the complacency and stagnancy that often comes with this path."

"That's true… Everything you've said is true, Sha'ira. I need to give this some more thought."

"Absolutely, Commander. There is no rush. Please, take all the time you need. Is there anything else troubling you? Perhaps with this matter of your need for total control. Even in your personal life."

"There is something else," I admitted. "It's too easy for me to dismiss someone when they don't meet my expectations. I've done it to Liara too many times. I have to learn how to stop doing this to her. Now that I've fallen short of my own expectations, I can't forgive myself. From sleeping with her before."

Sha'ira had noticed about me: "You seem to self-identify as a tyrant for this reason as well. You keep yourself tightly wound together—almost at all times. Anything less feels like a betrayal to your code of ethics. Do you control yourself so tightly to avoid your worst instincts and behaviors from slipping out?"

"…yes. That's exactly the reason why."

"Then you are putting a lid over your darker impulses. For the sake of your morality. No cheating, no stepping out of bounds. Everyone lies, but you make an honest attempt to avoid doing so yourself. You are a renegade at heart—a maverick, a rugged individualist—and yet you do adhere to a strict moral code. When others lie and keep dangerous secrets, it is a deep betrayal of this code you operate by."

"Right. And now I've turned into the one thing I hate. I haven't reacted well at all."

"I can see why," sympathized Sha'ira. "You are used to being just, and right, and moral, and honorable, because you know you must be these things. These are your guides in life. They often lead you to the best paths, the best decisions to make. You are compelled by the right things to do. But you sometimes only do them because they are right—and for no other reason whatsoever. Would you say this is true?"

I could've sworn I heard an echo of my own thoughts, feelings. "That's one hundred percent true."

"Then I urge you to accept a new idea. The idea that even a wrong, immoral choice—a hasty mistake—can lead you to the best path. The best path for yourself, for your own personal journey. It is unpleasant to think about. It can easily lead to a slippery slope of ideas. If you accept this idea, then you must also accept that another's suffering will lead to your greater happiness. There is also the alternative to consider. The idea that a just and moral choice…can lead you to the worst path. The point of no return. The scenario where everyone in your circle now grieves you—because you have given up on life."

I stared at her with the absolute fear bursting from within my heart of hearts.

However brief, Sha'ira dropped her professional façade.

Just for a moment. And maybe by accident.

Sha'ira gave me a different look of fear. Fear for my safety; fear for the galaxy, the repercussions of what could've happened to me. What could've happened if I had snapped.

My own personal death penalty—if I had given in to that despair.

"Commander," she whispered. "You perceive those emotions in the past. My counsel has helped move you forward into a new present. It is plain to me you did not have a definite plan. A time and a place. Only the ideations you could not avoid. You have also moved yourself forward by exiting your last relationship—before your resentments could cause any further damage. But I must discourage you from working in the armory on your ship. Please assign another member of your crew to handle this task. I am making this recommendation in my formal position to you. You are my client. I care for your well-being."

I nodded to her one more time.

Completely blindsided, I had no idea what to say.

"These are difficult topics to discuss. You are in a delicate situation. It is a blessing that only Liara knows most of the details. You have found one another again during these uncertain times. I would encourage you to hold on to her, Shepard. Make her your certainty, and give Liara the certainty she needs. You are right that your life is not only yours to live. You have endeavored to live for others, serving others—including those who were not meant for you. She deserves this opportunity to be your reason to live."

Choked up, tongue-tied.

I barely stopped myself from breathing wrong; letting this all fall to the floor.

Sha'ira gave me a moment longer. She asked that I return to see her another day, another time. If I so decided. I promised to at least consider it. Since I would be on the Citadel for a few more days, I did have time. I only needed to make the decision. I didn't really need to think about it. I needed to feel this out.

Thanking Sha'ira for her time and her conversation with me, I left the room. I returned out to the lobby.

There I found Liara again.

Sitting in that same place.

Right where I had left her before.

A bit startled by my return, Liara hastened to close her omni-tool. She bolted to her feet. She stood up to greet me. I went back over to her side. We just stared at each other for the longest. Again. As we had done earlier in the day. Differently this time. Much differently. Coated thickly by these lessons I had taken away from my talk, I knew. I gave off the aura of these lessons. Liara's whole perception of me shifted, changed. Changing as my mind had done. As my own perception had while I was away from her.

I couldn't change the past. Our mistakes back then. Our struggles. I only had the present with her. This promise of the future. A future where we stopped repeating the past. A future where I finally put her first.

Liara's every hope for me to wake up and realize—that she was here, that she wasn't going anywhere. The one constant in my life. Hurricanes, flames, and earthquakes. Still, she hadn't moved from this spot. I burned in this shame of my failures—with others, with myself, and with her. Yet Liara smiled at me anyway. She smiled, smoothing down this hard edge of mine. This edge of insanity I had ridden without her for far too long.