Willow

by casablancas21

Lily's life was a willow and it bent right to James' wind.

11. Chapter 11

Rating warning: this chapter is rated E (explicit), for very mature content!

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Chapter 11: Every bait and switch

Everything hurt.

Lily resurfaced to reality with a wince. She blinked her eyes open slowly, the sunlight attacking her sensitive pupils. Her entire body was sore and she couldn't dare to move. She waited a beat, getting accustomed to the brightness of the environment, feeling her breathing scratch her lungs uncomfortably. She carefully craned her neck, trying to recognize where she was. She caught a glimpse of white linen and potions cupboards.

The Hospital Wing.

Turning her face to the other side she found Elizabeth sitting clumsily on a tiny, hard chair, head falling heavy with sleep.

- Lizzie?

Her friend startled, lifting her head suddenly, eyes bloodshot.

- Oh, blessed Circe! Lily, you're awake!

She threw herself at Lily without restraints, arms gripping Lily's aching sides, making her yelp in pain.

- Oh, shit, I'm so sorry, honey! Are you okay? Does it hurt too much?

She stepped back, grabbing Lily's hands instead and looking at her with the utmost worried expression.

- I'm alright, Lizzie - Lily reassured her friend, squeezing the hand they had interlaced. - What happened? What am I doing in the Hospital Wing?

Elizabeth's concerned countenance deepened. She sighed, closing her eyes briefly before looking at Lily with trembling lips.

- Ah, Lily. It was so, so horrible. It was a living nightmare!

And then she crumbled in tears. Lily had never seen Elizabeth cry in such a way. Not even when her little brother moved to France to complete his education in Beauxbatons or when she broke up with Sirius those few days ago. She wept now with complete abandon, shoulders shaking with sobs.

Lily wanted to comfort her friend but she still couldn't move. She felt her thorax expanding painfully every time she inhaled and exhaled. She distractedly mused that there must be something wrong with her chest.

- What happened, Lizzie? - she prompted again, softly. - I don't remember anything.

Last thing she recalled was James and her duelling in the N.E.W.T's Defence Against the Dark Arts preparatory class, circling each other and trying to breach the other's defence. She guessed she had been hit by a spell, though by Elizabeth's state it ought to be more than that.

- You were cursed, Lily. Mulciber attacked you from behind during the duelling training.

Mulciber did what?

Oh, that coward, little cockroach!

Lily's blood coiled, a boiling anger taking control of her sore body, making her wince again when in one move her face contorted sharply and her hands hurled into fists.

- It was horrible, Lily - Elizabeth repeated, tears still streaming down her cheeks. - Nobody knows what curse he used, but it was dark magic, there's no doubt of it. The moment it hit you, your back split open, squirting blood everywhere, and when you fell to the floor, your whole body shook like you were possessed by a ghoul!

Elizabeth wailed, hand crushing Lily's. Lily just stared, mouth gaping.

- I didn't see when he attacked you, I was too far away. I only noticed something was wrong when James screamed. When I looked at you, you were already down, bleeding out. After that, it was chaos on Earth.

Her voice shuddered with the memory.

- They immediately started duelling. James and Sirius and the Slytherins. James brought Mulciber down rather quickly, but then Avery and Snape joined in, and of course Sirius, who had been right there watching the entire thing. Then Remus, Cassie, Marlene, Shaw, everyone, Lily, everyone, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs too. - Lizzie ran an absent hand through her distressed face. - It became this terrible, terrible widespread fight, everybody duelling everybody, curse after curse, ricocheting around the room without mercy. Helena Gaunt was accidentally caught in the crossfire and the Slytherins went crazy. Snape tried to hit James with a nasty spell, that James luckily dodged at the last second. It hit the wall instead, almost teared it with the force of it and Sirius just, just lost it at that, shouting and duelling Snape with such a ferocity for what it felt like an eternity. I saw it all from where I stood, I... - she trailed off, before shaking her head and resuming - Professor Atkinson and Auror Abbott tried to regain control of the room and make them stop but everything was going so fast, the curses were so strong, I've never seen anything like it before. There wasn't much they could do, that anyone could, really.

- How's Gaunt? Did anyone get hurt? - Lily asked, horrified with what her friend was telling her.

- You, Lily! - Elizabeth yelped, voice a high-pitch of desperation. - You have no idea, we all thought you were dead! I honestly think the duel only ended because James performed this shield, so powerful and wide, I honestly don't even know how he did it, but he just did. He swayed it around you, where you laid on the floor, so he could get to you amidst the mess. And then Remus followed, and most students after that too. Only Cassandra and Sirius kept duelling what was left of the Slytherins, but they were few enough that Auror Abbott finally made it to disarm them.

She took a deep breath before she continued.

- You were bleeding out. You had no colour on your face anymore, you were good as gone. - Elizabeth had to stop again, clearing her throat, as to settle herself, before she powered through with the story. - James got to you but he couldn't cast, he was completely out of himself. But Remus managed to stop the bleeding and then Auror Abbott healed your back and put you to sleep. - She rubbed her eyes before staring at Lily. - 'Cause during that entire time you were still shaking, arms and legs trembling out of control.

Elizabeth gulped.

- But when Autor Abbott got you to stop, it looked like you were... It looked like you were dead, Lily. It was so scary, we thought we had lost you!

Once again, Elizabeth lost herself in sobs and this time Lily joined her. Her mind was taken with images of the seventh-years fighting and hurting each other, a preview of what they'd most likely be doing in only a short time in the future. She could easily picture the pandemonium it had been, James crying over her presumed dead body, Cassandra and Sirius losing their minds in the duel, young witches and wizards with so much in common, yet so much hatred to divide them and put them in opposite sides of a same stand. It must have been indeed a living nightmare.

They cried together for minutes that stretched out in front of them, hands all along connected. Lily felt more pain than sorrow but Elizabeth looked like she was putting her drenched heart out.

When the sobs subsided, Lily tried to smile comfortingly at her friend.

- I'm here, Lizzie. You didn't lose me.

Elizabeth nodded, wiping the tears that marred her pretty face.

- How long have I been in the hospital? - Lily asked.

- Two days. It's Thursday.

- What? Have I been out all this time?

Panic wiggled its way through Lily's beaten being. She had never passed out like that before. Not one for impulsive, dangerous shenanigans, Lily's only visits to the infirmary had been due to illnesses and occasional accidents in class. She had never been put there after a duel, that was for sure. Not only did she break her record of never being sent to the infirmary by another student, she had missed two days of her life, one of which had been a damn important one.

- I had my N.E.W.T's Runes prep class yesterday, I can't believe I missed it! – Lily hollered, feeling the tears gather again in her eyes with the realisation that she was getting behind in her studies preparation. It wasn't enough that she already felt like she was slacking off with school work and her responsibilities following the earth-shattering whirl of emotions that had overcome her this year, now she went and got herself cursed by dark magic and put in the Hospital Wing for days, as the cherry on top of the sundae.

Rage merged with the panic that frantically ate her insides.

She wanted to kill Mulciber.

How dared he attack her from behind, the coward bastard? And in front of the entire class, a horde of witnesses that didn't do shit to refrain him from performing dark magic out in the open. His arrogance and blinding Pureblood privilege were so overwhelming he didn't feel slightly deterred to do such a horrendous thing, even before a Ministry's authority figure. His confidence was probably justified.

Lily focused on Elizabeth again.

- What happened after? What happened to Mulciber?

Did he get a slap on the wrist for being such a naughty boy then got sent back his way? Lily didn't doubt it for a second.

- Professor Atkinson sent them all to the Headmaster. I didn't see much, nor have I've been told much for that matter. – Elizabeth sounded bitter. – Because I followed you here. Auror Abbots busied himself in getting you here in safety, after the room was under control again, and I just came along. I was so worried about you I didn't look back twice. I only remember seeing Professor Atkinson sending everyone that duelled to Dumbledore, which was basically every single seventh-year.

She sighed, moving to sit back on the uncomfortable chair. She didn't let go of Lily's hand.

- I have no idea how long they stayed there. I reckon a long time. - She frowned, chewing on her lower lip. - I didn't see any of them for dinner that night but I didn't stay long either, as soon as I could I came straight back here before Madame Pomfrey shooed me away when it was curfew time. I was just... - Elizabeth looked like she wanted to cry again but making a valiant effort to hold back her tears. - I was just so certain that... that, ah, Lily, that you would not come back to us!

She dropped her face onto her palms, arms bent over her knees, and wept again.

Lily's soul wept too. It was devastating to see her friend hurt like that.

- I'm so sorry, Lizzie. I can't imagine how terrified you must have been.

Elizabeth shook her head, face still buried in her hands. She hiccupped once, twice, then looked back at Lily.

- I'm being silly. You're the one in the hospital and I'm the one who can't stop crying. - She snorted, derisively, nose running. - You know I've always had a knack for melodrama.

Lily squeezed her friend's hand. It wasn't true. It wasn't just drama, Lily could see she was genuinely suffering. The last few weeks had been particularly hard on Elizabeth. On all of them, if she was being honest, but just like she did when, for her surprise, Marlene broke down crying in their dormitory only a few days before, Lily suddenly realised her friend was not doing alright.

None of them were.

Lily wondered if she had been the only one who was actually okay among them all. Since she got back with James the week before, despite all the shit happening around them, Lily felt unabashedly, unreservedly happy.

Until now.

- I have barely seen Marlene and Cassandra since Tuesday. They all got detention, of course, every night until Christmas break, and everybody's parents got notified. But it's not only that, Lily, it's... - Her friend paused, cleaning her nose. She knitted her brows, trying to find the words. - It's just all very messy right now. Marlene still won't talk with me, no surprise there, but Cassie is also, I don't know, acting really strange. I don't even know where she's at half of the time, she's not speaking to anybody, she doesn't come out for meals. Which - she cleared her throat – is understandable. No matter what disagreement you two had, she still loves you unconditionally. Seeing you get attacked like that really impacted her.

Lily pressed a hand on her forehead, massaging the creases there in an attempt to soothe the start of a headache. Another ache to add to the thousand others that sprawled across her weak body at the moment.

- And the boys are also, uh, distant. Which, again, no surprise. We weren't really interacting anymore since Sirius and I, well, since we ended things. But I really thought that with you in here, we would, you know, stick together or whatever. But they are also never around, in class nobody says anything, then they're gone somewhere in the castle, and I still don't know what happened in the Headmaster's office.

Elizabeth stopped to look at Lily with apologetic eyes.

- To try and answer your question, Mulciber got sent away. Not expelled. At least, I don't think. But maybe suspended or something. This is the rumour, anyway. Of course I don't know for sure because nobody feels like telling me – she huffed – and, either way, I didn't really get the chance to ask much about it since every second I have I'm here to visit you with James, but naturally James isn't saying anyth -

- James' been here?

Lily's heart throbbed inside her sore chest.

- Like he wouldn't - Elizabeth retorted, rolling her eyes, for the first time a sparkle of humour crossing her face. - He's here every opportunity he's got too, though it's not much, what with his Head responsibilities, especially now that you're away and he has to do all himself, and classes and detention and tutoring first-years and Quidditch practice. You know – she smirked – James' simple, tranquil life.

Lily chuckled together with her friend. Really, James needed to learn how to take it easy. He did too much.

- That's why he's not here now, he's in the library with the first-years. But he'll be back soon enough and he'll go crazy when he sees you're conscious.

They smiled at each other, Lily longing to see James' beaming grin once more.

But seeing Elizabeth's sweet smile was as cherished by her.

- Thank you for being here, Lizzie.

- I couldn't be anywhere else, Lily – her friend replied, gently. The next moment, though, her forehead wrinkled and she lowered her blue eyes. - It's the least I can do, isn't it?

A lump lodged on Lily's throat suddenly. What was Elizabeth saying?

- And I appreciate it, love – Lily forced herself to mutter. - I wouldn't ask anything else.

The wrinkles on Elizabeth's forehead accentuated, her lips trembling again as she spoke.

- I know you wouldn't. But I wish I could, anyway. - She bravely raised her eyes to Lily, as the Gryffindor she was. - I wish I was able to do more for you.

Lily opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by an excited voice that rang on the walls of the Hospital Wing.

- Miss Evans, you're awake!

Madame Pomfrey came out of her office, rushing to Lily's side, and stopped next to her bed to bend towards Lily, holding her face still with two hands.

- How are you feeling, my dear? - the witch asked, closely checking Lily's features and feeling her skin before travelling down Lily's body to touch her thorax and turn her arms up.

- I'm alright. A bit sore.

- Of course you are – Madame Pomfrey replied, with a deep expression that shone understanding. - You've lost too much blood, it's a miracle you came back to consciousness so quickly. I expected to need at least another day of replenishing potion to recover your blood loss in full. Well – the nurse hesitated – you are not yet recovered in full, naturally.

She let go of Lily, marching to the cupboard on the left, that Lily had seen when she first opened her eyes, and busying herself with the vials on the second drawer. When she found what she was looking for, she joined Lily's side again.

- Here, take this, dear – she beckoned, offering Lily a blue-coloured liquid. - It's a healing draught, just to keep your heart and veins pumping blood. Your body is too weak to do that by itself without help.

Lily downed the potion the nurse gave her, grimacing with the sour taste in her mouth.

- You look much better than expected, Miss Evans. - Madame Pomfrey sent her a thoughtful look. - Though we are not yet certain exactly what kind of curse was used on you. Maybe it didn't have that many lasting effects. - The witch frowned again before shaking her head. - It was strong enough to incapacitate you, naturally, and make you bleed out. Therefore, I will keep you here for another night, my dear. Until your blood loss is completely restored and also for observation. Better safe than sorry, is it not?

She smiled kindly at Lily, looking over to Elizabeth for the first time since she exited her office.

- Hello, Miss Greengrass. I see you're still holding camp in my infirmary.

The words were sharp but her amused tone undercut any bite that could be directed at Elizabeth. Her friend winked at the nurse.

- Lovely place you got here, Madame. Can't get enough of it.

The witch's lips quirked but she turned around before it formed a real smile.

- I'll give you two privacy but remember dinner is in half an hour. Don't go missing it again.

When Madame Pomfrey was out of sight, Elizabeth turned back to Lily, eyes serious again. Lily opened her mouth and once more was interrupted.

- Lily?

She twisted her neck markedly to the familiar voice. When green found hazel, a loud gasp echoed in the Hospital Wing. She wasn't sure if it had been hers or James'.

Not that it mattered.

James flew across the room, reaching Lily's bed in a blink of an eye.

Not that Lily was blinking.

- Lily – he said again, voice choked. He cradled her face with his calloused hands, bringing his forehead to rest on Lily's. - My love.

Then he was hugging her with all the force he had and it should be hurting Lily but she didn't feel anything except his warmth, his scent, his visible love.

She brought her weak arms up to encircle him and pull him closer. Finally, his lips found hers.

- My love, how are you? Are you hurting?

- Yes, it hurts a lot – she whispered back to him. She'd been trying to tranquilize Elizabeth and Madame Pomfrey, minimizing the pain she was feeling, but she didn't need to lie to James. - I mean, there's nothing really wrong with me, but it hurts to even breathe.

- Shit, did I hurt you just now? Fuck, I'm so reckless, I didn't even think. - He tried to disentangle himself from her, face a mask of concern, but Lily was quicker, fastening her hands around him to keep him still.

- You didn't.

He frowned, yet didn't make another move to step away. She was grateful. His closeness was working better than the healing draught.

- How long have you been awake?

- Not long, just half an hour, I think. I was, uh, just talking to Lizzie. - She chanced a glance to her friend, who had stepped aside when James rushed across the room, and now watched them from a distance with soft eyes. - She told me what happened.

James sighed.

He let go of Lily, clasping her hands instead and sitting on the edge of the bed.

- What happened in Professor Dumbledore's office, James?

She felt more than saw Elizabeth perk with the question. She was as interested in hearing the answer as Lily was.

- Nothing. Literally fucking nothing.

He looked furious, though his hands were still gentle on Lily's.

- The Death-Eater had the fucking audacity to claim it had been a mistake. A slip of wand. Like you just go around casting dark fucking magic by accident. - James exhaled forcefully, trying to calm himself down. - He said he didn't aim at you, that you were right behind Janssen and that's why the spell accidentally hit you.

Elizabeth's huff brought their attention to the side of the infirmary.

- Even if it was true! Why would he send a dark curse towards his housemate in the middle of a training session? That makes no sense!

- I'm fully aware of it. And so is Dumbledore – James grunted back. - But despite there being a dozen of witnesses to attest he hit Lily with a dark curse, nobody can prove he did it on purpose.

- How the hell not? Like you said, nobody casts dark magic by accident!

- He claims he didn't know it was dark magic, Lizzie. - James suddenly looked very tired, like he had had the same discussion several times before. - He told Dumbledore that he had learned the spell without knowing its effects. He said he read it somewhere. - James's lips stretched in a grim smile. - Never heard bigger bullshit in my life, though I must admit it's a clever one.

Lily bit her cheeks to prevent her from bawling.

That was it? Mulciber would lie through his teeth and get away with murder? Almost literally, apparently.

- So the Headmaster just let him go?

James must have heard the desolation in her voice because he squeezed her hand, face softening again.

- No. He got suspended until the whole affair is properly addressed. - He absentmindedly squared his shoulders. - Dumbledore privately told me there will be an official investigation before the schoolboard. He said that's the best he can do right now.

James clearly looked like he disagreed with that conclusion. Lily couldn't see what else could be done, though. If it was out of Professor Dumbledore's hand, then there was really nothing else to do. The schoolboard was known for its conservative views and spineless management. And Mulciber was a powerful, heavy Pureblood surname.

She sighed.

- Well, that's it then.

- What, that's not it! What are you saying, Lily? He can't get away with it, there must be something we can do!

Lily appreciated Elizabeth's fervour and willingness to stick up for her, for once in her life, but when Lily looked at James, the look they shared was one of resignation. James was too sensible to let himself get caught up in the injustice of it all. And he knew the workings of the world well enough to understand there was nothing to be done. He wasn't naïve like Elizabeth.

Is it naiveté when one chooses not to see what's standing right in front of them?

That was a question for another day. In that moment, Lily squeezed James' hand back, letting the tears fall free down her face, heart wretched with the crude reality of her hapless existence. James dried her face with loving fingers, eyes teary and lips pursed in woe, before he hugged her again, this time lighter, wary of her sore body. She wanted none of that. She held him tighter against her, sobbing against his neck.

She cried for what it felt like hours. Last time she cried that much she had been spiralling after hearing the news of James and Nuur's involvement, which had led her to question every single detail of her Muggleborn life. She supposed she wasn't done crying about the unfairness it meant to hold the blood status she did. She knew she wasn't. She doubted she ever would. Because she doubted there would ever be a time when none of it mattered anymore, when she would live her life the way she wanted without bigotry, fear, injustice.

Life-changing decisions.

When she was done crying (for the moment), the rage returned.

She wiped the tears off her eyes, holding James' gaze.

- How about the rest of the students? What did they do during the duel?

Which side did they take?

She didn't need to say it out loud. James knew exactly what she was asking.

- Most of them didn't actually partake. They were mainly just trying to defend themselves. But some did. - He tugged at his hair with a free hand, the familiar gesture warming Lily's heart, just a bit. - Almost all Gryffindors and Slytherins got involved. Me, Sirius, Remus, Marlene and Cassandra duelled Snape, Avery, Janssen, Flint, Burke and Ashbee. Nothing too surprising. - James gave a humourless chuckle. - But there were also some, eh, others. Like Shaw.

Lily arched her brows. Elizabeth had indeed mentioned it but Lily had barely registered.

- Shaw?

- Yeah, he fought with us. Nuur too, of course, and Emma Rabon.

All prefects. Lily wasn't wrong, then, when she had assumed at the start of term that most prefects respected her and took her authority as a given. They must also care enough for her to come to her defence.

- How about Fawley?

Lily had never figured out exactly where the seventh-year Hufflepuff prefect stood. James cleared that up for her.

- He stood by them.

Lily felt her throat close.

Us. Them.

What a horrible world.

---

- Hi, Lily.

Lily lifted her eyes from Advanced Runes Translation to stare at the boy standing shyly across from her. She hadn't heard him walk in.

- Hi, Peter.

Pettigrew gave her a small smile before looking away to let his eyes wander the Hospital Wing.

It was after dinner but before curfew. Elizabeth had left with James for the meal, at Lily's insistence. James had detention afterwards and Lily convinced her friend to go to bed earlier that night, after spending the whole of afternoon at the infirmary with Lily. She could see her friend needed the rest.

She had expected to see Cassandra and Marlene before they went for detention but none of them showed up. Lily wondered if they even knew Lily was awake.

Pettigrew did, surprisingly.

- James told me you were back to consciousness. He asked me to keep you company since everyone's gone for detention tonight.

- Tonight, tomorrow night and every night until Christmas break, for what I heard. Sounds like a brilliant use of their time, doesn't it? - Lily joked, in an attempt to make it less awkward for the Gryffindor in front of her. It worked. He chuckled at her words, coming closer to her, halting at the foot of the bed. She waited until he stopped laughing to add – Well, thank you for that, Peter. For visiting me, I mean.

- Of course, Lily. You're welcome.

- I was actually wondering where everybody was. I haven't seen anybody except James and Lizzie.

Pettigrew looked uncomfortable again at that.

- Ehm, I guess they're busy. With detention and classes, you know.

- Yeah, I figured.

They fell silent, Lily trying not to read much into Pettigrew's strange behaviour.

Was it strange, though? Despite Lily always having had a friendly relationship with the Marauder, she was never really close to him, as she had become with the other three boys. Before seventh-year, she had always found him to be different enough from the others in the group, namely Sirius and James, to warrant a positive reaction from her, and she knew him to be nice and kind, but she knew next to nothing about his real personality. Was it strange, then, that he wasn't saying much even though he came to the Hospital Wing with the express purpose of keeping Lily company? Or was that like he usually acted?

Lily had no idea. So she just watched him as he left his place at the foot of the bed and sat on the chair next to her, unsuccessfully trying to find a comfortable position. Even though he was the smallest of his friends, he was still too big to fit in the tiny seat. She giggled when he gave up the task.

- Maybe I'll just stand – he said, with a gurgle, getting up to his feet again. She nodded, putting the book Lizzie had brought her on the nightstand and crossing her hands on her lap.

- How are you doing, Peter? Nice to see a Gryffindor out of detention for a change - she joked again, but this time it didn't land right. Pettigrew immediately gloomed.

- I'm good, Lily - he shrugged, unconvincingly.

- What is it? Something wrong?

- Nah, it's just... It's just that I, eh, I - he rambled, seemingly unable to put his thoughts into words. There was something more in the way he held himself, more than just awkwardness and shyness. Lily was trying to pinpoint exactly what it was in his demeanour that made her feel cagey when he finally found the words. - I should've joined them.

His voice was so low Lily needed to crane her neck to hear it.

- I should've joined in the duel. Fought next to the lads. - He looked everywhere but at Lily. - But I didn't. I don't know why. I just... I just stood there and did nothing.

It was shame.

That was the feeling that clouded his face and buckled his spine. He was ashamed for not participating in the fight. That's why he had gloomed when Lily mentioned all the Gryffindors being in detention. He was the only one who wasn't, besides Elizabeth. For obvious reasons.

- I'm glad you didn't, Peter - she tried. - Who else would be keeping me company on this lonely Thursday night if you did?

He smiled, recognizing her attempt to cheer him up. Still, the frown on his forehead told her it was not enough.

- Hey, Pete?

He raised his eyes.

- It's okay. You didn't have to join in the duel. Elizabeth didn't either. It was actually the smart move. - Lily gave him a lopsided smile. - The world thinks too highly of those who fight. Like being violent is a quality, somehow.

- Fighting for what's right is a quality, Lily. One I wish I had.

- Who says you don't? Just because you didn't immediately jump at the chance of hurting other students doesn't mean you won't stand up for what is right when the time comes.

Pettigrew sighed, shaking his head lightly, almost imperceptibly.

- I hope you're right - he replied, quietly.

Lily hoped it too.

They stood in amicable silence. Pettigrew leaned against the wall on the side of the nightstand, while Lily rested against the pillows, reflecting on their short conversation. There was so much thinking Lily needed to do she barely knew where to start. When the clock struck nine o'clock, though, Lily was removed from her own head by Madame Pomfrey, who came to shoo Pettigrew away, like she had done with Elizabeth the two nights before. Pettigrew smiled sweetly and, to Lily's surprise, bent forward to hug her.

- He'll be here shortly - he whispered in her ear before straightening himself up and winking at Lily. The moment he left, Madame Pomfrey closed the doors to the Hospital Wing and bid Lily goodnight, leaving to her own room.

Soon enough, though, the doors rattled softly, opening and shutting with a hush of wind. The infirmary was still empty, for all matters, but a few seconds later Lily saw the curtains of her bed shuffle and close around her, and in the next second a mop of black hair appeared before her.

- Hey, baby.

James grinned widely at her, folding his invisibility cloak on top of the cupboard on the right side. He climbed onto the bed, enveloping his left arm behind Lily's neck and bringing her in for a breath-taking kiss. She melted predictably under his touch, all stress of the day gone with the same wind that hushed out of the infirmary's door when James entered. He laid comfortably next to her in bed, his entire body flushed against hers as he kissed her.

- I missed you - he said between pecks. - I was so scared. I couldn't fathom losing you, Lily.

- You didn't, I'm right here.

- You better. - He faked a strict voice, faux-glaring at her. - Don't even think about leaving me, ever.

She chuckled, shifting to lay snugly on his chest. She felt almost fully healed, after the last doses of replenishing potion and healing draught Madame Pomfrey had given her, following the sandwich she had for dinner. She was sure she'd be out of the Hospital Wing the next day.

- I'm very annoyed, though, that I missed my Runes prep yesterday. I'm already so behind in my studies!

- Don't worry, love, you'll catch up. The professors are all aware of what happened, they won't let it hold you back. I'm sure they will extend any deadlines that you might need.

- Well, that's good but, I mean, they won't reschedule the prep class, will they? - she asked, unrelenting. - And the deadline for the Libatius Borage programme is in ten days. I will never make it!

- Yes, you will - he replied, with a confidence Lily didn't feel. - I can't do anything when it comes to Ancient Runes, 'cause honestly I don't know the first thing about any of it, but I can definitely help you with your concoction. Lycanthropy, was it? - He gave her a crooked smile that sent goosebumps across her tired body. Lucky for him she was too weak and beaten to do anything. - I think I know a thing or two about it.

She just nodded, gladly accepting his help. They chatted about the topic, James occasionally throwing in some ideas for an alternative to Aconite, until Lily's eyes couldn't take anymore and she fell asleep against James' strong body.

She woke up a few hours later as if someone had slapped her in the face.

She opened her eyes abruptly, hearing James snore lightly next to her, and twisted her neck to the chair she somehow knew was occupied. She found Cassandra staring at her, a smile forming at her lips at the sight of Lily's awakeness.

- Hi, love.

Lily smiled back, heart pulsing fast when her eyes met her friend's, warm at her for the first time in days.

- Hi, Cassie.

- I'm glad to see you had a good night of sleep - Cassandra remarked, tips of the lips quirking up in humour as she pointed with her brows at James' sleeping figure blanketing Lily.

- First one in days - Lily replied in the same soft tone.

Cassandra chuckled, eyes never leaving Lily.

- Welcome back, Lily. You gave us a right scare.

- Sorry, my bad - Lily jested. Cassandra sighed.

- How are you feeling? In earnest, please.

Lily had never thought of lying. Not to her best friend. But she did feel much better that evening than she did in the afternoon. If it had been James or Madame Pomfrey's last healing potions, she wasn't sure.

- I'm alright, Cassie. I reckon I'm almost completely recovered. It's my third night in the hospital, after all.

- More than enough, indeed. Are you being discharged today?

- I think so.

- That's good.

She stretched her arm, holding out a hand to Lily. Lily took it immediately, grasping hard at her friend's gentle knuckles. How dearly she had missed her.

- Sorry I didn't come earlier. I only heard you were conscious again during detention. - She pursed her lips in intense annoyance. Lily would bet a shitload of gold that Cassandra had found out the news through Sirius. He was the only to inspire such a reaction out of her. - And then it was too late to come. Though one would argue that being too early is much worse than being too late.

Lily shook in controlled laughter. It couldn't be more than six in the morning. Her three-day long stay in the infirmary was really the only context of which Lily could think that excused someone waking her up at that criminal hour of the day. And that someone being Cassandra helped matters at lot.

- One would be quite right - she replied, still holding her laughter and her best friend's hand.

- Lily?

James' gruffy voice reached Lily's ear as he shifted in the hospital bed, blinking confused. He had removed his specs sometime during the night and his thick hair stood stubbornly up.

- Hey, baby. It's all good.

He stared at her for a beat until his eyes found Cassandra.

- Good morning, Potter.

- Oh. - He cleared his throat, rubbing his face awake. - Morning, Cassandra.

- I hope you slept well because I'd say it's time to go. Madame Pomfrey will be up anytime now and I doubt she'll be much amused to find you wrapped around her sick patient like a Christmas present.

Lily chortled, turning her neck to place a kiss on James' lips before he left the bed. He returned it slowly, still half asleep, but followed Cassandra's instructions and stood up. He opened the curtains, motioning for Cassandra to go first.

- See you later, love? - he asked, gifting Lily with a charming, lazy grin as he reached for his frames.

She nodded and waved at Cassandra, happy with the way the day had started. Maybe things weren't as bad as she thought.

They were much worse.

Because before James and Cassandra took another step towards the door of the infirmary, it suddenly cracked open much less smoothly than the night before when James waltzed his way inside. As if it was the middle of the day, the entire Gryffindor ensemble walked in.

Marlene led the group, wearing an expression of extreme concentration. She looked around in a frenzy until she located Lily's bed, surging forward in a hurry.

- Lily!

- Shhh, Marlene - whisper-shouted James, looking distressed at the direction of Madame Pomfrey's bedroom. Without much thought, he brought his wand up and sent a silencing spell to where he looked. - If Madame Pomfrey catch us here, it's another month of detention!

- Like I give a rat's arse - was Marlene's dismissive answer, thrown over her shoulder as she reached Lily's side and laid flatly on top of her. - Love, I was so worried about you - she said, only for Lily to hear. Lily patted her friend's head, crushed under her heavy body. She swept to the side the blonde curls that were blinding her to see Sirius and Remus standing at the foot of her bed. Behind them, Elizabeth and Pettigrew closed her circle of visitors, keeping themselves a few steps away with guarded faces.

Lily gave Marlene a final hug before nudging her friend to stand up. Marlene caught the hint, finally drawing back and leaving Lily room to breathe.

- Alright, Evans?

Lily made a face. She was not a fan of Sirius' new borrowed expression. James concerned air shifted to one of amusement when he saw Lily's reaction.

- Stop confusing my girlfriend, Pads. That's my catchphrase.

- What? Ah, well, sorry but last time I checked you didn't own -

- How are you doing, Lily? - Remus interrupted Sirius' useless rant, squeezing her ankle affectionately.

- Much better, Remus, thank you. I'm sure I can leave the hospital today already.

- Already? You've been here for three days, Lily! As far as attacks go, this one was very much effective in its incapacity effects.

Lily's body tensed at Marlene's words. She knew she wasn't going to be able to avoid talking about what happened, but she hoped they didn't have to start at it immediately.

- Way to go if you want to take the Head Girl out - proceeded Marlene, with a scorn.

- Only, they didn't. - Sirius smirked, gazing at Lily with something akin to pride. - They need much more than that if they want to bring Evans down.

Marlene cackled, agreeing with Sirius' remark.

- Can't wait until you're out of here and strolling back down the corridors, love. Can't wait to see the fuckers' faces when they realise the pitiful little leader of theirs has been kicked out while our Muggleborn Head Girl is standing as strong as ever in the castle.

If asked later, Lily would say that was when the last crack emerged. And, while living it, Lily had the oddest feeling of finality.

- Is that what you can't wait for? The next time the Slytherins are so angry at Lily they attack her from behind her back again? - Cassandra's voice infiltered the light atmosphere, darkening it. - Yeah, that makes sense. I bet you look forward to the next duel. Never mind that a Muggleborn is the one paying the price, yeah?

Marlene jolted as if she had been electrocuted.

- Of course not, Cassandra. As usual, you twist everything I say. What I meant was -

- I know very well what you meant, McKinnon. Oh yeah, I know fucking well what you mean when you so proudly claim you want to fight - Cassandra spit the last word, like it was dirty. She stared at Marlene and Lily knew, then, that what she said next was going to be the end of any friendship the two girls ever shared. - What you really want is to satisfy the creepy, twisted need you have inside to prove yourself to your pretentious Pureblood family, prove that you're more than the flimsy slag that everyone takes you for, even it that means killing a couple of mudbloods on your way.

The room froze, just like Lily's heart.

That's it, she thought. There was no way back.

- What did you fucking say to me? - hissed Marlene, face inflamed with an all-encompassing fury.

- Girls, please, don't do this here. Lily's just recovering, we should - tried Elizabeth, in vain.

- You heard me. And you know I'm right, McKinnon.

- You couldn't be farther from the truth! But you wouldn't know that since you don't care about the truth, about the world, about your friends. You don't care about anything except your petty little life, Cassandra!

Cassandra let out a mordant laugh.

- I don't care about my friends? That's precious, coming from the girl who turned her back on her best friend when she needed her the most, only to try and steal her man.

Marlene gasped so loudly Lily was certain James' silencing spell wasn't going to be enough to keep Madame Pomfrey from hearing it.

- This is going too far, Thompson - intervened Sirius, voice contorted in aggravation. - You have no idea what you're talking about.

- Don't I? Oh, please, by all means then, do enlighten me, Mr Pureblood Saviour. Do tell me how you know everything, how you alone hold the keys for all the problems in our society, how you are the crusader in search of truth and justice for all Muggleborns. - She bowed to him, throwing her hands in the air theatrically. - Explain to this dumb mudblood here how you are the only one who knows what's right and how we need a Pureblood man like yourself to save us from this cruel, cruel world.

Sirius barked in response, teeth showing as if ready to bite Cassandra's head off. He suddenly looked remarkably similar to a wild dog, without needing to transform into his Animagus form.

- Oh, wait, no? - Cassandra's biting face morphed into one of pretend-confusion. - I'm sorry, I mistakenly thought that that was the reason you broke up with Elizabeth. Because you wanted to tell her what to do and how to think, because you know what's right and no one else gets a say in it. But perhaps, like McKinnon said, I don't care about the truth.

- Cassie, please - pleaded Elizabeth, cheeks already drowned in tears.

- You better shut your fucking mouth now, Thompson, or I swear -

- Sirius, calm down - urged Remus, extending a hand to hold his friend.

- Or what?

Cassandra stared at Sirius in challenge, taking a step forward in his direction, holding her chin up.

- What are you going to do with me, Black? Are you going to hit me? Or just hang me upside down like you get off on doing with younger, defenceless students as the pathetic bully that you are?

- Cassandra!

Lily stood up on her two feet for the first time since she had been taken unconscious to the Hospital Wing. She couldn't take it anymore.

- Stop. Now you're just saying purposefully mean things to hurt people.

- I'm just telling the truth, like McKinnon so fervently urged me to. You're too blind by them to see that, Lily.

- No, I am not -

- Yes, you bloody are! - Cassandra bit back instantly, not letting Lily finish her sentence. - All you do is hang around with them, too caught up with Potter to realise they're bad for you, Lily. They're bad influence and you should know better than this.

- What are you talking about? What does th -

- Look at this past week! How you've been failing as Head Girl, disappearing for hours on end, not holding your responsibilities as you should, being a bad friend and standing us up! - Every mention Cassandra threw at her face made Lily blench. She couldn't believe her friend was flaunting her shortcomings, the ones she very much was aware of, and putting her down like that in front of everyone. But Cassandra wasn't done. She screwed her beautiful face in repulse. - Provoking Mulciber until he decided to retaliate and send you to the hospital. Of course there would be consequences to your little display of sassiness in class, Lily! - she bellowed and Lily prayed the noise would wake up Madame Pomfrey, and force the nurse to come out and put a clement stop to Cassandra's scathing words. It didn't, though, so Cassandra carried on, merciless. - I've never seen you talk like that before, Lily. So acidly, so recklessly. And for what? To defend Black? - She scoffed. - Why would you even waste your saliva to defend the arrogant Pureblood twat?

Sirius barked again but didn't defend himself, just stared back, waiting for Lily. Lily took a deep breath in, willing her legs to stop wobbling. She hoped her voice wouldn't flutter as well.

- I already know by now that you're incapable of seeing anything through my perspective, Cassandra. That you are unable, or unwilling, to put yourself in my shoes and try to be understanding of how I feel.

- That's not what this is -

- I'm not going to dignify you with a defence of my behaviour in the past weeks - Lily braved through, her turn to be the one interrupting. - If you can't find it in yourself the type of friendship to support your friend when she goes through monumental changes in her life, I'm certainly not going to beg you for it.

- Support you? How do you expect me to -

- But what I can tell you is that I know full well who Sirius is. And you don't. Everything you just said about him is utterly wrong and unfair. So I am telling you, for the last time, to stop that right fucking now.

Like a limb lost to a sharp blade, Lily terribly missed the warmth of Cassandra's eyes when she had just woken up to find her friend sitting on the chair staring peaceful at her. She doubted she'd ever see the same look on the same pair of eyes again. Right then, dark irises only offered frostbites. She looked at Lily with a calm face, undoubtedly remembering their last conversation in the Entrance Hall, the one that had led them apart the previous days, when Lily had to lie to Cassandra's face about the secrets Sirius had finally owned up to. Lily knew Cassandra had figured out there was something that Lily wasn't telling her. This was the least preferable moment, in Lily's opinion, to remind Cassandra of it, but there was not much more that Lily could do to put a halt to Cassandra's destructive roll.

- Of course you do - was Cassandra's glacial reply. - You're the fifth Marauder now, after all, aren't you?

- You can bet she fucking is - shot Sirius lowly, rage making his voice quiver.

- No, I'm not - Lily retorted, as calm as her friend. - There's no such a thing. You are deliberately mixing things up, Cassandra. I'm dating James and that's all. I have no pretence in joining their group of friends as another member of it.

- And even if she did, that's not you bloody business, is it, Cassandra? - Marlene jumped back in. - Why do you insist on meddling in other people's relationships? Elizabeth and Sirius broke up, you have a lot of opinions about it. Lily is dating James, he's a bad influence for her and you're sure she wants to trade her friends for his. I mean, can't you just fucking chill and let people be?

- No, McKinnon, I can't, because, unlike what all of you think of me, I do care about my friends. And I stick up for them. I don't give up on them or walk away whenever I feel like it, like some people I know.

- I didn't walk away because I felt like it! - Marlene shouted, grabbing her blonde hair in exasperation. Lily was about to pray once more for the appearance of Madame Pomfrey at the rise of voices, when Remus sent another silencing spell towards her bedroom, shattering Lily's feeble hope of putting an end to the foreboding escalation of events.

- Can't you fucking understand it? I stopped talking to Elizabeth because she lied to me! Because she hid from me that the reason behind her fights with Sirius was that she's a bloody coward! - Marlene directed the last part at the girl in question, making Elizabeth loudly burst into tears once again.

- Marlene - called James in warning, speaking for the first time since the discussion started.

- Don't fucking call her that - growled Cassandra, turning sharply to Marlene. For a wild second, Lily was sure Cassandra was going to throw a punch at the girl. Fortunately, the moment passed and she didn't. Not that her words did any less damage. Cassandra had always known how to express herself in a way that made everyone around coil as if they had been slapped. She had a way with words and how to use them to hurt those she wanted to hurt. Her friends had never stood on the receiving end of her fury before but their time had finally come.

Lily wanted to say she was surprised about how things were escalating but she couldn't. It was a long time coming. Since September when they first began their clash in the Common Room, after Lily had duelled Mulciber and his lot in the corridor of the Muggle Studies showroom. When Lily had felt relieved that Cassandra stepped down mid-argument. When she gladly postponed their fight.

Now the debt was being collected.

- You don't get to determine who is brave and who is not. We were all sorted into Gryffindor, were we not? So who gave you the authority to decide what configures braveness, McKinnon?

- Says the other coward - gnarled Marlene, smiling murkily.

Cassandra took another step forward, but James was faster and put himself between the two girls. Remus hurried to follow his friend and placed himself behind Cassandra in case she decided to take matters into her own hands. Cassandra, though, didn't seem to want to move any further. She just stared at Marlene with those eyes of hers that were more fitting to cut diamonds than to look at human beings.

- Tell me, where do you find the confidence to stand so tall and judge people in all your might? I'm genuinely curious to find out from where do Purebloods get the idea that they're the ones entitled to tell Muggleborns how to act when other Purebloods threaten their existence and hunt them down.

- That's exactly the point, Cassandra! - shrieked Marlene, flapping her arms around frenetically, as if that would make her point come across more effectively. - How can you step aside when your own existence is threatened? How can you not take a side in the war when your own blood is being hunted down? I can understand Elizabeth. I mean - the girl recanted, grimacing - I don't understand Elizabeth, her attitude is ridiculous, but it's easier to grasp since she's a privileged Pureblood who's not affected by any of it. But you, Cassandra? - She looked desolated. - How can you, as a Muggleborn, take yourself out of the fight like this? You say I turned my back to my best friend. You're turning your back to your entire race.

- What the fuck? My entire race? Take a side in the war? - Cassandra repeated Marlene's words, deliriously. - Look at what you're saying to me, McKinnon.

- What? What is so difficult for you to understand?

- What is so difficult for you to understand! How can you stand here in front of me, look into my eyes and reduce my whole life to a fucking race? - Cassandra's face scrunched in a jumble of ire, desperation and madness. - I'm right here! How can you not see me? Not see that I'm more than my blood. More than what your race makes of me! I have my own thoughts and dreams and feelings and experiences. I am my own person. And yet you stand in front of me and try to tell me I'm wrong for wanting to live my life the way I choose to live it? - She opened her arms and looked around her. - Must my entire existence be an act of resistance? Must I only exist to fight? Must I only live to die at a war? - Her words echoed powerfully around the Hospital Wing, dimming the light of the sun that was rising. She paused, breathing heavily, collecting herself. She shut her eyes for the briefest of seconds before she turned her neck to look at Lily. - Because that's what's going to happen to you if you choose this path. If you stay with him. You're going to die in the war.

Lily flinched.

- Don't you fucking dare say that to her - James roared, being contaminated by the tartness that floated around the infirmary. - I'd never let that happen, you can be damn sure of it.

Cassandra smiled something small that yet seemed to crack her face in two.

- Then you will die with her.

Lily closed her eyes. She felt like throwing up. She felt like opening her own chest with bare hands. She felt like laying down and never standing up again.

She distantly noticed a hand closing around her forearm, a hand she knew belonged to James, steadying her, and then Sirius' voice.

- Better die fighting than live your life running away from who you are.

Lily blinked her eyes open just in time to see Cassandra stare at Sirius, head slightly tilted to the side.

- I only have one thing left to say to you, Black - she said, simply. - No mud in your blood, no opinion.

It was Sirius' turn to flinch. Cassandra held his gaze for a beat, before looking around at the seventh-year Gryffindors that surrounded her. Lily had the ominous sensation that Cassandra was letting each of them go. She ended on Lily.

- Are you sure of your decision? - she asked and Lily's broken heart lost its last piece.

She looked at her best friend.

All Lily wanted was more time. Until graduation at least. How unfair it was that she didn't even get those last months she deserved. As if the world hadn't taken enough of her already. As if it wouldn't take even more still.

She looked at her best friend and wiped the tears she hadn't noticed falling from her eyes.

- I am.

Cassandra turned around and left the Hospital Wing, Elizabeth following her, shoulders shaking with sobs. The four Marauders and Marlene stared at Lily, faces as wretched as Lily imagined her own was.

She sat back in bed and collapsed.

---

Lily left the infirmary a few hours later, hand in hand with James, who took her straight to his dormitory, where she curled in his bed and sobbed until she fell asleep.

She had been wrong, as she often was that year. She hadn't cried her hardest when she found out James had hooked up with Nuur, nor when she'd been called a mudblood by Severus or a freak by Petunia. No, the moment Lily cried the most in her life was when she lost her best friend.

So far, she mused tragically.

She was sure the war would make her cry much more. Still, her throat was scratched raw when she finally stopped howling.

James had skipped his classes of the day to sit on the bed next to her, stroking her hair as she fell apart. He didn't say anything and he didn't wake her up when she was eventually taken over by her exhaustion. When Lily woke up, it was already dark outside and her stomach growled rabidly.

- Hey, love. Are you hungry?

She nodded, staring up at James as she still laid on his comfy bed. At least, she had slept well. Though guttered, she felt completely rested.

- Do you want me to bring you something to eat? Dinner is already going on, I can make a quick run downstairs and get you some fried beans.

The words made Lily's stomach jump with anticipation. Oh, she longed for fried beans!

- No - she started saying, voice so crusty she had to cut herself off and clear her throat, before starting again. - No, that's okay, James, I'll go down with you.

- Are you sure? We can also go to the kitchens later, if you prefer.

- It's fine, baby. Let's go.

She wasn't going to huddle away in the dormitory again because something didn't go as planned. She had done so every single time since she could remember. When she had a fight with someone or got upset, she would shut herself out from the world, with the excuse of thinking things through and giving herself some time, which was all fair, but she had had enough of it. She would do her reflecting and digesting of what had happened as she went along with her life. She couldn't afford being incapacitated every time someone broke her heart, every time she felt like crying until her lungs cracked open. The war wouldn't allow her to do so. So she needed to learn how to suffer and walk forward at the same time.

It was the only way. And she had already made her choice.

They went down the staircases and the corridors of the castle in silence, James clasping her hand warmly in his. They didn't encounter many students on their way but the ones they did, stared aghast at them.

- The rumours are going through the roof - James commented, casually. - Nobody knows what happened to Mulciber so they speculate that either you killed him or he killed you and got sent to Azkaban.

Lily snorted.

- Well, I'm glad to be narrowing the gossip down to only one option.

James smirked at her, squeezing her hand, and they entered the Great Hall.

If they were being stared at before, now the force of hundred pairs of eyes almost burned holes in their heads. Lily could see that even at the Professors' table silence settled as the teachers watched Lily walk in. She returned Professor McGonagall's nod before she marched confidently to the Gryffindor table.

- Hello, love. How are you feeling? - Marlene greeted her.

- Pretty shit - Lily replied, honestly. She was too tired to walk on eggshells for the sake of her friends. She had barely recovered from grave physical injuries, and her emotional had already being tackled to the ground. It was time for people to dance around her, for a change.

- Could you rest for a bit? - asked Remus, kind eyes roving Lily's face for a clue of how she was doing.

Lily hummed affirmatively, busying herself with the food in front of her. First things first.

- Here, love. - James offered her a bowl with rice and another with fried beans. She took them, sending him a grateful look.

They ate quietly, moods too glum to do much else. Lily hadn't been the only one to be hurt in the infirmary. Marlene had also lost a friend. Sirius had been attacked with sharp teeth and unjust, distorted words. James had a death sentence placed on his shoulder.

Remus, who barely got involved in the whole thing, same as Pettigrew but with a different weight for his personality, wasn't eating. He looked around the Great Hall, watching Gryffindors, Slytherins, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs finish their meals, with a crease on his forehead. When his eyes found Lily's, he sighed.

- We were supposed to stick together, weren't we? Us, Gryffindors.

James held Lily's hand under the table, while Sirius pursed his lips as if forcing his mouth shut. Marlene didn't even raise her eyes from her plate.

- We were - replied Lily, quietly.

Remus smiled sad and looked away.

- That's how they win.

James' fingers squeezed Lily's automatically but Lily just gave him a soft peck in the arm. Remus was right and there was no arguing that. And it wasn't like the mood at the table could get any worse. At least, there was no sight of Cassandra or Elizabeth in the hall.

- I think we should do something this weekend. Something fun. Just the six of us.

Marlene had finally looked up from her meal, head held high.

- What do you have in mind? - asked Sirius, voice slightly more chipper.

- Hogsmeade.

The four Marauders and Lily grinned in response.

And that's how Lily found herself strolling down the High Street on Sunday with James by her side and their rowdy friends behind them as if they owned the village. They didn't even bother to wear the cloak or check the map. They just marched casually through the cobblestones streets, chatting lively, trying to forget all the cares in the world.

There wasn't much that could unsettle them now. If a teacher caught them, what would happen? Detention? Lost house points? A scolding?

It all seemed so small in the face of the gravity of what their futures held. So they walked on, enjoying the cold, sunny December day.

- Lily, honey. What are you you planning on wearing for Slughorn's Christmas party? - asked Marlene, when they passed by Madame Maud's Beauty Parlour.

Good question.

Lily had never once stopped to think about it.

- Ehm... I'm not sure yet. I guess one of my old dresses? Or maybe you have something I can borrow? - Lily forced herself not to remember the last time a friend lent her clothes for a date with James. It had been decided that that day was not a day for this kind of hurting.

- Borrowed, old clothes? Over my dead body.

Marlene giggled devilishly, shouting to the boys to go ahead and they would catch them later. She dragged Lily inside the parlour, only letting them leave after Lily got herself a perky, little black dress that Marlene all but drooled over ('James will lose his fucking mind when he sees you in it', she declared, making Lily flush pleasantly). On their way to the boys, they made another pit stop, and Lily got something a little more perky, maybe for the after-party. Marlene and her traded twin coy looks before stuffing the purchases away so that the Marauders wouldn't see them.

They gathered again at the Three Broomsticks for lunch, which quickly turned into happy hour drinks. Lily was half drunk on mild mead by the time they returned to the castle using the secret passage of the fourth floor. Even though her blood loss had been fully restored, according to Madame Pomfrey, she supposed her body was still too weak to handle liquor. James had to support most of her weight with an arm around her waist on the way back, telling her when to turn and when to watch for the steps.

She didn't mind. She needed that. All of them did. They welcomed the distraction.

Further helping distract them were three N.E.W.T trainings falling all in the same week. With Christmas break coming along, the final preparatory classes of the year had to be anticipated to the last week of term. Combining it with their normal classes and evening detentions, the seventh-years barely saw the days pass. Lily barricaded herself in the library most nights, working on her original concoction and finishing her assignments. She would meet James in their office or in the prefects' bathroom after curfew, when he was done with detention and she didn't want to be alone anymore, gladly spending their hours away from the Common Room or her dorm, where she'd invariably have to face Cassandra or Elizabeth.

- Can I come visit you?

They were sitting in the small step of the prefects' bathroom large bathtub, Lily comfortably leaning against James, water covering their chests. She had her eyes closed, recovering from the three orgasms James had recently gifted her, body and mind predictably turned to mush by his hands, mouth and cock.

- Hm?

- During the break. Can I come see you sometime?

Lily couldn't help but snort.

- James! Do you really think we're going to spend two weeks and a half without seeing each other?

- Well, it's just that you're always so gloomy when you talk about your sister and her fiancé, I wasn't sure you would like me to come visit you.

Lily opened her eyes. That was a fair point. She couldn't imagine having James over in Cokeworth, sitting on her parents' tiny living room, Petunia and Vernon sending daggers his way the entire time.

She made a face.

- Yeah, that wouldn't be ideal. They wouldn't be the best hosts. - She sighed. - But, I mean, of course you can come. I'll figure out how to make it work. You'll just have to write me daily to find out - she smiled, turning her face slightly back to catch James' lips.

- Or... you can come visit me.

Her smile widened.

- Is that so?

- I mean, - he adjusted his hands that enlaced her stomach, bringing his head forward to talk closer to her - we do have the space. And Remus is coming to visit as well. So it will actually be a rather lovely gathering.

- I bet it will - she replied, feeling the warmth inside her spread with the idea of spending part of the winter holiday at James' house with his parents and the Marauders. She was certain it would be much nicer than spending it at home.

- So you'll come? - he asked eagerly, fingers tightening on her waist. She turned around and kissed him square on the mouth.

- I'd love to.

---

The last day of term arrived in a jiffy.

After the final class of the day, and the final prep training of the year, the seventh-years exhaustedly dragged themselves to the Great Hall for dinner before retiring to their dormitories. Lily locked herself in the bathroom with Marlene to get dressed for the Christmas party, already regretting having agreed to the professor's invitation. She couldn't be less in a mood to spend her last evening in the castle among Slytherins and pompous guests. She had attended Professor Slughorn's end of term party before. It was much larger than his usual meetings, often involving famous and successful former students of the potions teacher, but just as boring as any other dinner, only with better music.

At least, James was coming with her this time. She knew it wouldn't be that bad by his side.

She met him in the Common Room, where he was already waiting for her with Sirius. They both looked extremely handsome in fine dress robes, Sirius wearing a navy blue set and James a dim grey robe paired with cotton white vest and black trousers. Lily barely had the time to admire him. She looked puzzled at Sirius.

- What are you doing here? And why are you dressed up?

- For the same reason we are all dressed up. We have a party to attend last time I checked, don't we?

Lily's brows climbed all the way to her hairline.

- You are coming to Professor Slughorn's party? - Lily sputtered. It was hard to believe. She could understand James attending, he was just accompanying her. But Sirius had absolutely no reason to come along. He hated these kinds of event.

- Why, yes, my dear. I would think it was rather obvious by my lovely assemble tonight.

James snorted next to her.

- I can't believe the great Sirius Black is coming to the Christmas party. Did you do something to convince him? - Lily turned to James, squinting her eyes. - Did he lose a bet against you?

- Nah, he's just bored. And, as you know, - James smiled affectedly at her - he's a rather co-dependent bloke, wherever I go he must go too.

- Oi! I'm right here, you know.

Lily laughed with gusto and they moved to leave the Common Room.

Despite the late hour, almost curfew, the corridors were full of excited student trading last pieces of information about their holiday plans or giving each other advanced Christmas gifts. They walked swiftly to the sixth floor, James raising his hand to say hello to acquaintances every five minutes.

- How many people do you reckon James knows at the party, Lily?

- Hmm, considering his Quidditch proclivities, his politician mother and potions-maker father, I'd say something close to... what, ninety-five percent of the guests?

- Interesting, I'd go more with ninety-six.

- Would you now?

James just rolled his eyes at the exchange, pulling Lily's hand to descend the last steps of the staircase. They turned the corridor on the left and reached Professor Slughorn's office.

- Ready?

Lily inhaled deeply and stepped in.

Like she had predicted, the party was much larger than the professor's normal gatherings. He had magically amplified his office to fit more people in, around fifty if Lily could guess. There were the usual students attending, the same ones who were part of the Slug Club, but also new ones who not often joined their dinners, as it was the case of James and Sirius. There were also many older witches and wizards that Lily didn't know, wearing ankle-long fancy robes and engaging in haughty conversation. She looked around to see that the whole room had been decorated with Christmas garlands, magical stockings and mistletoes. Floating candles and a string of enchanted lights lit the room. By the entrance on the right, a vast table covered with pine green and heart-red linen presented the most elegant variety of Christmas food - roast turkey, pigs in blankets with cranberry sauce, roast potatoes, mince pies, Yule log and all sorts of puddings. Although Lily had already eaten, her mouth salivated at the sight.

On the other side of the room was a small bar counter, where a grey-haired wizard offered drinks to the guests.

- I've found my corner - said Sirius, with a wicked smile. He moved forward, weaving through the crowd with James and Lily on his trail. He ordered a Firewhiskey, joined by James, while Lily had mulled wine.

She sipped her beverage while her eyes lingered in the room to see if she recognized anybody. She spotted sixth-year prefect Bobbi Carhatt on the far end of the room looking rather cosy with Slytherin Amanda Travers. Next to the food table, Wyllie MacMillan, Helena Gaunt and Monique Selwyn chatted animatedly. Lily made a face. She always thought that the sixth-year Gryffindor was much more suited to the Slytherin house. She had no idea what the Sorting Hat was thinking during his ceremony.

- Do you want to take off your robe, love?

James offered a hand to Lily, his grey dress robe already hanging around his other arm. Up close like that, he looked even handsomer, his white vest a tad too tight around his large shoulders, for Lily's benefit. She smiled, cheeky, and removed her own dress robe. She had to disentangle it when it got briefly caught up in her charmed curly hair. She handed it to James and moved to fix her hair again. She pulled it up, thinking an up-do would be a better idea if she took by the way she was already feeling warm inside the office. There were too many people attending the party, she was certain she would be sweating in no time. And the mulled wine was definitely not helping.

- Do you think they have cold ale?

- Ehm, I don't, uh, I'm not, eh, not sure. Fuck, Lily, you look good.

Lily had been so absorbed in fixing her hair and mentally complaining about the heat that she missed the way James' eyes travelled to her once she took off her robe. She had forgotten he hadn't seen her yet in the dress she bought in Hogsmeade the week before. With the chaos of the past weeks and exhaustion of the last day of term, Lily didn't spare any time to think about how she would look in Professor Slughorn's party. Even when getting ready, Marlene complementing her left and right, she just didn't bother. So many things were happening, her life had taken such an one-hundred-and-eighty turn, that the tight, little black dress she was going to wear to the party seemed of little importance.

But the way James was staring at her at the moment made her perspective of importance shift quite quickly. At once, she was highly aware of the tiny fabric covering her.

- Normally Prongs is just a lovesick fool but you do look nice tonight, Evans, I'll give you that.

She bit her lips, feeling her cheeks turn pink with the intensity of James' eyes. They moved across her body, trailing down the silky, transparent long sleeves that were connected to a turtle neck, clasped on top by a silver button, to the sudden triangle of flesh showing in the middle of her chest, which allowed the curves of her breasts to peak from her cleavage, all the way to the tightness of the black silk that hugged her waist and ended before her mid-thighs.

- Thanks - she said shyly, as she brought her hands to lower the dress on her legs, knowing that it had climbed up when she raised her arms to tie her hair in a ponytail. James' gaze followed the motion, throat bobbing up and down, face dangerously serious. When their eyes met, Lily felt wobbly.

- Merlin, Remus did mention how you two seem to forget that you're in company at times, but I didn't imagine it was that bad. Oi! You better behave while I'm here. Moony is too nice about it but I won't be, so cut it out.

Lily gave a small chuckle, letting her eyes wonder around the room once more before they returned to James, who still stared at her unblinking.

- Prongs.

- Yeah, alright, sorry - James replied, finally looking away, burying both of his hands on his thick hair. - I need another drink.

He turned around to the bar again, asking the bartender for two Firewhiskeys and if they had any cold ale. Lily kept her front turned to the room, waving friendly when she spotted sixth-year prefects Charlie Achebe and Camille Rosenthal a few feet away. She had half a mind to walk the distance to them when a possessive hand closed around her waist, keeping her in place. She shivered when she noticed James was right behind her, his heat overtaking the room's and making Lily sweat instantly.

They drank their beverages in silence, Sirius smirking knowingly at them while Lily concentrated in acting normal. James' strong body still lurking on her back was turning out to be very distracting. She sighed deeply and held fast onto her ale. Luckily, distraction sprouted out of nowhere.

- Hi, Lily. Good to see you're fully recovered. Potter, Black.

- Thank you, Thomas.

Thomas Shaw sent them a closed-lip smile on his way to the bar. He didn't spare them a glance as he collected his drink and wordless moved away.

- Shaw.

The seventh-year Ravenclaw halted in place, looking over his shoulder in wariness. James stared at him, one hand still firmly clasping Lily's hip. The other one, though, surged forward and reached out in the air.

- I wanted to thank you for that day at the training, for standing with us in the duel. I appreciate it, mate.

A glimpse of surprise crossed Shaw's face but in the next moment, it faded. He smiled, this time showing his teeth, and grabbed James' hand.

- Don't mention it.

- Thanks, mate - said Sirius, tipping his head slightly at the direction of the Ravenclaw.

They nodded at each other and then Shaw was gone. Not a minute later, Camille and Charlie approached them.

It was a pleasant evening. Chatting superficially with cordial fellow students, mind miles away from shattered friendships and incoming wars, James' hand doing soothing circular movements on her waist, Lily felt herself relax. From the corner of her eyes, she could see the Slytherins on the left, appearing to be connected by the hip, only moving when the others did too, fortunately not daring to come close to her. In their midst, though, she noticed the absence of Flint and Avery. Severus stood alone with fifth and sixth-years Slytherins. Lily absently wondered if Professor Slughorn did not invite them - only Severus, his favourite - because of what had happened in the duel. If that was the case, she was grateful.

Thinking repeatedly on the subject, Lily was grateful for many things. For every person that had stood up for her, for the teachers being caring and understanding of any delays on her part, for how she had recovered with no after-effects. But, mostly, she was grateful for James. She didn't know what would have been of her the past few days if it weren't for him. Although part of her fight with Cassandra had been her relationship with him, the core of it all did not come close to him. Her disagreement with her friend had started the second Lily chose to drop Herbology for her seventh-year and focus on subjects that helped her in her preparation to become an auror. Lily and Cassandra fought at the end of sixth year, they once more discussed the matter during summer and they came close to falling out when Lily duelled the Slytherins in the beginning of term.

All of that happened before James and her started their relationship. Their being together might have been the final straw in Cassandra's patience and willingness to play nice, but Lily knew that it would have come either way. It might have just taken a bit longer. But eventually, they would fall out. She had known it for months.

It didn't hurt any less. It stung every time she opened her eyes in the morning, when she walked in the castle without her best friend by her side, while they sat in classes and meals without looking at each other. It hurt less, nevertheless, with James next to her. He had been nothing short of thoughtful and loving, listening to her anger bursts when everything seemed too unfair, holding her tight when she lost herself in sobs, making her eyes roll to the back of her head in pure bliss when he put his mouth on her.

She was grateful for him because she knew she would be completely devastated if he hadn't been there. She was still sad but not unhappy. She was too in love for that.

- I'm going to the loo. Be right back, love - James said, giving her a quick kiss in the cheek. He went around the circle of people, winking at Sirius, before disappearing under thick velvet curtains, behind of which a door to the lavatories could be found. Lily waited a few beats, finishing her second ale and confirming that their friends were busy in conversation, now joined by Ravenclaws Maggie Hunther and Graham Bell and Gryffindor John Burgess, before she discreetly took her leave.

She stopped briefly to chat with Professor Slughorn, letting him introduce her to a friend potioneer before, with the excuse of needing to use the toilet, slipping through the velvet curtain to find James exiting the bathroom.

- Hey, love. Do you also need to use th-what are you doing?

Lily had shoved him back inside the bathroom, turning to lock and silence the door behind her.

- The party is boring. I thought we could find, uh, more interesting activities to do.

James arched his brows, mouth twisting in incredulity.

- Well, though I am inclined to agree, I'm not sure a bathroom is -

His words were swallowed by Lily's lips, hungrily catching his tongue and pressing her needy body against his. James grunted, predictably grabbing her waist next, almost in reflex, and returning the kiss. He snogged her hard for a while before apparently coming to his senses.

- Lily, love. You know better than anyone how I don't have a shred of self-control when my hands are on you. - He held her safely away from him, despite her attempts to catch his lips again. - Really, baby, you know that. But we're in the middle of a party, we can't do this now.

- Who said anything about having your hands on me? - Lily replied, giving him her coyest smile before dropping to her knees.

- Fuck me - James yelped, taking a step back until he hit the edge of the sink. Lily smirked, reaching for his trousers.

- That's the gist of it indeed.

She made quick way of his belt, opening his zipper and lowering his boxers.

- Fuck, Lily. Shit, baby, fuck, fuck, fuck.

She looked at him. She wanted to show him how grateful she was for him being on her side no matter what. She wanted to give him as much pleasure as he had made a habit of giving her. And she knew exactly how to get there.

- You know I've never done this before, James. Will you teach me?

- Good fucking Godric - he cursed, throwing his head back and closing his eyes forcefully. His breath was coming out laboriously but his cock was already remarkably hard in front of her. She knew she had him in the palm of her hands, but just to be certain -

- Please, baby?

He snapped his head up, eyes overtaken by desire. He gulped, once.

- Open your mouth.

She did as she was told, shifting her body closer so her lips were just an inch away from his hard tip.

- Start by licking the head. Slowly.

She did it, darting her tongue out to swipe over the top of his cock. He closed his eyes again at the first contact, groaning loudly.

- Like this?

- Yes, baby, just like this.

She kept with the licking movement, watching carefully for James' every reaction. He looked like half in pain, as if she was torturing him. It turned her madly on.

He looked down on her, staring at how her tongue moved.

- Now put your lips on it. Suck the top, slowly again.

Once more, she heeded to his instructions, closing her lips around the head, letting her tongue swirl lazily on the sensitive skin. James groaned again but forced his eyes to stay open. When he was starting to pant, he croaked -

- Lily.

- Yes, James?

- Put my cock fully on your mouth.

Lily's insides coiled with desire at James' words, said somewhere between an order and a beg. She brought her head forward, feeling the unfamiliar sensation of his cock filling her entire mouth, up to her throat. She couldn't help but find it strange. She had no experience with it, it felt almost unnatural. But she did what she supposed was the right thing, sucking up and down, her tongue twirling with the motion, lips going all the way to the head then bringing him back to her throat.

- Lily, look at me. Just... please, let me see your eyes.

In her focus on getting the sucking right, Lily hadn't noticed she had lowered her eyes, concentrating on the task ahead. She looked up at James' request, locking her gaze with his. She maintained the back and forth movement, using her hands for support by grabbing his thighs. Inspired by it, James brought his own hand forward, taking a firm hold of her ponytail, pushing her head against him, burying himself deeper in her throat.

Lily jumped back, releasing his cock with a pop sound.

- Don't do that, James. I don't like.

He gulped, nodding hastily and settling both of his hands on the side of the sink, where he grabbed vigorously until his knuckles turned white. His gaze didn't waver once, pinned on her green, drinking from the image of her kneeling in front of him.

- Good boy - she said with her best Head Girl voice, catching him in her mouth again, easily resuming the sucking that had James whimpering.

Even though oral sex was widely viewed as a show of control, usually having women submitting to the want of men, Lily felt powerful on her knees. It felt much more that James was the one submitted to her, to what she decided to do. She felt completely in control, not the other way around. But maybe that was just because it was James, and he looked at her as if she alone decided his fate and as if he would die if she stopped blowing him.

Which she didn't. She increased the pace of her mouth, letting her head bob up and down, eyes never leaving his. She felt when he started buckling, forehead scrunched, mouth open in panting. He clutched the edge of the sink harder, hips starting to twist.

- Lily, fuck. Don't stop, baby, I'm so close, don't sto-fuck, fuck, fuck.

She didn't stop, just kept the obscenely fast rhythm.

- I'm-fuck, Lily. Please, will you swallow? I'm gonna come.

He did, spilling warmly inside her mouth. She had intentionally brought him closer to her throat, thinking that it would make it easier for her to swallow directly as he had asked but she had no idea how much it was going to be. She made the swallow motion, feeling his cum trail down her throat but then he kept coming, and there was too much and suddenly she was choking.

She surged to the side, putting both hands on the floor for balance as she coughed and sputtered. The next moment she felt James' hand slapping her back.

- Baby, are you okay? Can you breathe?

She coughed some more before she felt her airways calm down, throat unobstructed. She wiped her lips, sitting on the floor and looking up to James. He stared back in concern, yet somewhere in his expression there was a hint of pride.

- Don't you dare feel proud that you made me choke on your cum, Potter.

He threw his head back and let out a booming laugh. His shoulders shook in laughter before he brought his hands down to close his trousers.

- I'm sorry, love. Can't help myself. - He offered a hand to help her stand up. - You just fulfilled a years-old fantasy of mine. Really, even if I tried, I couldn't get a grip right now.

- Years-old, yeah? - Lily asked, getting to her feet and fixing her dress that had climbed all the way up her thighs again.

- You have no idea. Since I first learned what blowjobs were, I lost count of how many times I wanked to the thought of you sucking me off.

Lily chuckled.

- Always been a pervert, then?

James chuckled too, pulling her and flushing her body against his.

- For you? Always. - He kissed her deeply, hugging her tight. - Thank you for this, love - he said, after his lips let her go. - I will never forget it. It was... I have no words for it. It was much better than any fantasy I ever had, I can tell you that much.

She extended a hand, which he gladly took.

- Any other fantasies I should know about? - She sent him a sultry look. - You know, so I can put them all to shame with the actual reality of the thing.

He laughed, unlocking the door.

- Oh, where can I even begin?

- You can begin with what the hell were the two of you up to locked inside a bathroom in the middle of a Christmas party, you pair of sex maniacs. - A faux-indignant-looking Sirius stood on the other side of the door when James opened it, crossing his arm over his chest in a overly scandalised manner.

Lily startled but James just pulled her along, dodging his best friend and going for the velvet curtains.

- Fuck off, Pads. Come on, Lily, I'm starving.

---

N/A: Honestly I don't know why I even bother taking notice of word count at this point. Poor me who started this story determined to write 5 to 8 thousand words per chapter lol how naive!

Anyway, this chapter was intense. Sorry-not-sorry about it. Haha it was a long time coming though and I hope you have enjoyed it! I had Cassandra's outburst ('Must my entire existence be an act of resistance?') in my head since chapter 1 - that was my plan all along when I thought about the clash of perspectives. It reminds me of some current debates, when minority groups are at times demanded to be activists, to speak up, to be nonstop involved with the changing of the world. Sometimes living your life like you want it, despite all the forces against it, is already the best act of resistance. But sometimes it's not lol it's damn complicated but I love talking about it anyway, and it was amazing to include it in the fic. Let me know what you thought of it :)

I promise next chapter won't be so heavy (even though it turned out to be even longer than this one XD)!

P.s: I had a lot of fun writing Mulciber's lame excuse, can't say I wasn't inspired by Harry in the HBP when he hit Draco with the sectusempra lol