AN: I'm sorry if I gave anyone the impression that I've lost interest in this story. It's not a lack of desire, it's a lack of time. It would be so much easier if FF's system or AO3's allowed you to schedule posts. As I've said before, this story is much farther along elsewhere. And you can read it for free up to chapter 18 today. You can find the link on my Tumblr and Facebook pages. I'll put the one for chapter 12 up later today.
This story is almost done. I took a little sidetrack to write the Sil Mil flashback as a separate ficlet. I'm working on the final chapter for it today and will go back to this story right after. But seriously, I have a lot going on right now. I'm working on a collab with an artist (Nebleflecke who's AMAZING), I'm working on Fairy Tale and Dendy week stuff, I have my fanfiction and originals business, working on originals, and I just finished up the final draft of my first original so I need to take time to get it out to agents and publishers. On top of all that, the holidays and weather have my family working from home. I haven't been able to sit and work like I used to for over a month! So yeah, a lot going on.
If you haven't already, please find me on Vocal. it's free to read but I get paid for every reading. I currently have four short stories up and they are quick reads. I have the link up on Tumblr/Facebook and I would really love your support!
Thank you all for reading!
Chapter Eleven
"The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die."
― Juliette Lewis
After another three days of driving, they made it to outer Mongolia. Makoto worked her contacts to get them a flight to Tomsk; no flights or trains got any closer to Omsk than that. It was an old army plane, the kind that carried large amounts of cargo like tanks. Today it took food rations and the twelve of them.
Ever since that night, Usagi had been separating herself from the others. She didn't want to hear any more tales of Mamoru or the woman he left behind. She had far more critical things to focus on, like getting to the rest of her Senshi and taking out Beryl.
Getting her Senshi, Usagi was reasonably confident about. But getting rid of Beryl and all her evil? Usagi was far less sure; she didn't know how she was supposed to do any of it.
The only thing she had to go on was the power inside her, the strange brilliance that came from Usagi when Rei was in trouble and when she cleansed Jadeite. With all that was going on, she barely had time to think over that day, the things that happened or were said. Glancing over at Rei, the priestess, deep in her own thoughts, Usagi remembered Jadeite speaking of the two of them being soulmates reincarnated.
So many things Usagi didn't know or understand. Why was she the only one? Rei, Ami, and Makoto seemed so sure, learning more about who they all were. And who Usagi was. All while she continued to stumble in the dark, only knowing that she was the Moon Princess and that she had died. That was all Luna had told her of the Moon Princess. Long before they knew Usagi was, in fact, her. That, and that they were all reincarnated here on Earth. That included her Senshi.
She had doubts, doubts about herself and her history.
It was a long flight, and this wasn't like a passenger plane; they had to stay buckled in the entire time. With him sitting across from her, Usagi looked at Mamoru the whole way. It was luck she hadn't been sleeping again, letting the somewhat harsh rocking of the plane carry her off to sleep; his blue eyes were the last thing she saw before she forced her eyes to shut and remain so till they landed.
oOo
The fog wasn't nearly as thick this time, but she was still alone. Even without looking around or calling out, she knew he wasn't there. So Usagi wandered, picking up her skirts to keep from toppling over.
It wasn't long before she stood in front of the stage again; the glass there once more kept her from going any further.
Usagi waited, unsure she wanted to see what it had to show her: the last time not being so great. Just as she was about to give up and move on, the image shifted, the glass shimmering and glowing for a moment only to disappear completely.
A tentative step and she made her way through the threshold; the glass reappeared behind her once Usagi was on the other side of it.
Turning around, she stuck a hand out, realizing it was too late. Usagi was now stuck on the stage.
The fog whipped away, and light poured in from behind her. Slowly, she turned to find a glittering room full of dancing partners: this time genuinely dancing. If she did know any of them, she would never recognize them; their faces were covered in elaborate masks.
However, one person did stick out with dark hair, a tux, and a white mask on his face. Usagi wasn't sure, but somehow, she knew him. He was her mystery man.
He was digging through the thick crowd, looking for someone, and she followed. There was not a single person she recognized, even with them all recognizing her.
Her gown swished on the floor, feeling strange as the material sat on her arms just below her shoulders. Usagi's skirts got caught under someone's foot, causing her to stop and apologize, but the dancer was far more embarrassed than she was. It wasn't a lengthy exchange, the woman quickly bowing her head to Usagi and letting her go. But it was more than enough time to cause her to lose sight of the only person Usagi knew there.
Faces spun near her, unfamiliar and strange, making her feel overwhelmed and scared. Her heart racing and her breath scarce, Usagi made for the exit, running for the first pair of doors she could find. It put her out on a balcony; the warm air and cool breeze made Usagi realize just how warm she had gotten in her melt down.
Lamps hung from tall posts around and in front of Usagi, a lavish garden spanning just a few feet. She managed to gain her breath just as it was swept away again. "There you are. I was beginning to think you had forgotten me."
Spinning, she found him again, his mask glowing in the lamp light. He was making quick work of clearing the distance between them, his arms wrapping around her waist before she had a chance to speak.
"Always making me wait, Serenity."
His mouth was on Usagi's, stopping her from dropping her jaw in shock and confusion. Which slipped away as his lips sucked on hers, pulling her bottom lip in between his teeth only to release it and take her top lip in similarly. The masked man switched back and forth, and Usagi sucked on his in response. Her hands found their way to his hair and gripped it tight. Usagi wasn't going to pretend to understand it, but the act was somehow a salve on her heart, a heart that had been aching over Mamoru for forever now, it seemed.
His mouth popped off of Usagi's, racing down her jaw and neck to her bare shoulders, causing her to moan. The sound surprised her and scared him, it seemed, pulling almost entirely away from her. But he still wore a smirk on his face.
"Come, Serenity, let's get out of here. Quickly."
Hazy, Usagi looked up at him, feeling how she imagined drunk felt. "Why?"
Pulling her close (already starting to take her somewhere else), he chuckled as he bent into her ear to whisper huskily. "I don't think you will appreciate me making love to you with all your people just behind that door. But if you don't come away with me now, I gladly will."
Usagi's heart leapt into her throat, and she struggled to breathe as the masked man began to lead her towards a darkened path: all so he could make love to her. She was wondering what all the implications would be, letting the masked man take her in the dark, strange place when she was pulled back. Her body continued ahead of her; the image of herself almost skipping along with the man continued before her. The glass reappeared, shimmering back in place while Usagi was confused even more than before; the couple that was her and her mystery man running together in the dark hand in hand.
His breath was at Usagi's ear a second before his arms wrapped around her, keeping her from turning to face him yet again. "I don't think you are ready for that yet."
She shuddered, the shadows of herself and the man coming to a stop as they found the spot they had been searching for. Even through the foggy glass, she could make out the two of them stripping off clothing and coming together. "Ready for what?"
"For that memory."
"Memory?"
He nodded. "And frankly, I'm not ready for you to have it either."
"What does that mean?" He didn't answer her, only squeezed her tighter, his head falling to her shoulder. "Are you ever going to let me see you? Tell me who you are as you know me?"
"...You really want to know?"
She struggled in his hold, but he held her steady, keeping himself from her still. "Of course, I do!"
He chuckled, the sound in his chest vibrating on her back. "You never were the patient one, were you Usako?"
"I have been more than patient!"
"You can't see me. Not now. It will only confuse you. Your feelings... I don't want to ruin any chance you have… to love someone else. Someone better."
"Like I have time to worry about that now."
"Later then. When you complete your mission."
Relaxing in his hold, she tried to soak him in, knowing she didn't have much longer with him. "Do you love me?"
"...Yes, more than anything."
"Then.. please… tell me who you are. I realize it is… selfish of me to ask because I need you to help me forget. Forget the man I love."
He was slipping, starting to pull away from her and this world they existed in, but her words had him returning full force. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall for him. I have known him for almost as long as I have… known you, and it just happened. But it doesn't matter anyway; he is in love with someone else. Has been for as long as I have known him, apparently."
He shivered, his hold on her slacking significantly. "It's... okay, Usagi." She could tell by his voice that it wasn't, tears falling on Usagi's face from hurting him. "I just want you to be happy. Anyone would be lucky to have you love them, Usagi." She felt his lips on her hair, breathing her in as he kissed the top of her head. "Goodbye, Usako. I will always love you."
She spun as fast as she could, trying to grab him and keep him from leaving her, but he was gone while she struggled to breathe.
~~~~****—
The sob that tore from Usagi's throat was what woke her, teary eyes landing on Toki, who now sat across from her instead of Mamoru. He was already unbuckling himself, coming to her side just as Ami found her way to the other one. They fussed over her, and Usagi did her best to wave them off, even with her heavy tears.
"I'm alright. It was… just a bad dream."
Ami settled a comforting hand on her shoulder, her eyes studying Usagi closely. "What about?"
Even with the tears that continued to fall, she had no clue the cause. "I don't remember."
Toki wore a stricken look on his face, standing abruptly from her side. "Excuse me. I need to have a word with someone."
Disappearing in the room just before them, a space in between the cockpit and where they sat, Usagi glimpsed around to peek through the door before Toki slammed it shut behind him. It looked like a mix of storage and planning; a large table bolted to a platform in the middle of the room. She caught sight of Mamoru's black hair and a few more tufts of hair in varying shades; another black and honey brown belonging to Rei and Makoto. And any confusion she had about who was in the room was washed away, Toki's voice rising and people flooding out of the room quickly. Even Makoto and Rei seemed to rush out, leaving only Toki and Mamoru in the room now, and the anger Toki had was aimed at him.
It was definitely one of the strangest moments Usagi had witnessed so far, and she had seen a lot.
Everyone was dead silent; the plane's engine was the only thing covering up the loud conversation inside. The group seemed to lean in, wanting to hear what was said (save Usagi and her Senshi). It didn't stop the occasional word(s) from breaking through the cracks in the wall.
"...the hell is wrong with you?"
"Back off!"
"Fuck that…...answer me, Mamoru!"
"Calm down!"
"Not until you explain it to me, explain all this...bullshit you have concocted for yourself!"
"...not going to force it….better she doesn't remember….."
"Better?!"
"...loves someone else…...she told me…..and it's…."
"ME?! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!"
"Look, do you think I'm happy about this?...just to be happy!"
"You didn't see her….Mamoru, when she woke up…...like a death!"
"Because it was, for both of us!"
"...you're a goddamned idiot…open your eyes...you will never deserve her."
The door slammed back open, Toki stomping out while she looked past him to Mamoru. Usagi had never seen him look so beaten, leaning almost all of his weight onto the table and staring off at nothing.
The force of Toki's exit had the door swinging back, and Mamoru's eyes found hers just before he was blocked from her sight completely. Even in that small second, Usagi could see the sorrow within them, renewing the tears she had in hers.
oOo
No one said a word until after the plane landed and they disembarked. And even then, it was to point the group in the right direction.
A couple of cars were waiting for them; compliments of another contact Ami had on this side of the world, the small sedan fitting Usagi and the Senshi comfortably for once. It was eleven hours to Osmk, this being the first time the girls and Usagi were completely alone; it felt a bit freeing.
She was a bit surprised when neither Mamoru nor Toki tried to get in the car with them. Mamoru tried to talk to Toki, but the blond just walked past him and into another vehicle. Mamoru's eyes flashed to Usagi's, but he said nothing, looking away from her quickly.
Now they rode in the car before them (a caravan). They made their way to Omsk as quickly as possible.
The world was a tundra around them, making it hard to believe anyone would live here. Let alone those who stood up to Beryl and her control. Maybe that was why she was yet to see any signs of life, Youma included.
They slowed to a stop; Mamoru's car went ahead to pull into a rough-looking gas station. It wasn't ideal, but unless they wanted to walk, they didn't have a choice. After a few minutes and nothing happened (Usagi's heart in her throat as she watched Mamoru get out and walk around), he waved them on.
Slowly, each car pulled up next to a pump while Rei and Makoto got out. She started to go with them but was held back by Ami. "Let's wait here, Usagi-chan."
She didn't argue, letting the bluenette hold her back. Lately, Usagi felt that the battle she was fighting was already lost. All the bravado Usagi had back on the boat was getting swept away the more she saw of the changed world. But she had a mission, and she owed it to the people of Earth, so she would keep pushing: no matter how tattered she felt.
Everything was going smoothly enough, the pumps working to Usagi's surprise when a shiver ran up her spine. Ami couldn't stop her that time, jumping out of the car without a word and searching frantically around. They were there, Usagi could feel it, and they were moving in on them fast.
"Get back in your car!" They stopped, looking at Usagi with wild and curious eyes, freezing when they should be running. "Move!"
Mamoru was behind her instantly, shoving Usagi back into their car. It was now empty as Ami, Rei, and Makoto surrounded the vehicle. Mamoru walked around it to look for what she felt. It took him several more minutes than it had her to feel them finally, and he started yelling at everyone to move. Her Senshi flooded the car, ripping away from the pump and pulling out into the street. Makoto was driving; her skills reminded Usagi of the car racing game that used to be at the Crown.
Her heart beating in her ears, Usagi swiveled around in her seat, seeing the others pull out similarly to them. However, it didn't seem to matter how fast they were.
A few were on motorcycles, coming up from behind at impossible speeds. Others were winged things, flying over and landing on top of their cars, banging on the roof trying to get in. Most of them swarmed their car, sensing the brimming energy inside, while a few went for Mamoru's. The SUV he drove held the most civilians in the group; Saori's torso popped out of a window to put a bullet in a Youma's skull that flew close to them.
Usagi's eyes were glued to the SUV behind them, watching as it swerved slightly. The driver's side window came down only for Mamoru to swing out. He landed on the back of one of the bikes. The driver -a Youma- was surprised but twisted too late to stop Mamoru from throwing him off. Its body rolled, and his fellow Youma didn't even pause when they ran him over —turning him to dust.
Now in his control, Mamoru took off on the bike. Usagi's fear came to a head when he pulled up next to them and kicked another Youma off a motorcycle, the vehicle twisting as it rolled without its pilot. However, the one on the roof decided to ignore Mamoru, its hooved fist crashing through the top right in front of Usagi's face.
Rei lit it up, touching it with a fiery palm and gaining a stomach-turning scream from it. Then Ami closed up the hole with thick ice. "That's not going to hold them off for long."
Makoto swerved as a Youma landed right on their hood, denting and making the metal squeal. Crouching, it looked right at Usagi, sneering.
Suddenly, Ami pushed Usagi, pulling her up and towards the open window. Mamoru had pulled his bike right up next to the car, as close as he could get it. Usagi didn't understand what was happening until Mamoru had his arm around her. Usagi was pulled from the car and placed in front of Mamoru on the motorcycle.
Ami stabbed a youma that leered closely with a thick knife of ice, dust flying out behind them. "Go, Mamoru! Get her out of here!"
She tried to fight, to get back to the car somehow, but Mamoru pulled her back. "Be still, or you will knock us over!" The wind was ripping through her ears, but she could hear him as he screamed in her ear. "They will meet us in Omsk. I promise."
The air was already freezing, now made artic by the high speeds they kept, pulling up and away from the caravan. Usagi took it as punishment for leaving all her friends behind again.
A few Youma followed them, though, their bikes grinding the pavement as they tried to come up next to them. One reached for Usagi, and Mamoru blocked it, its long claws ripping through his thick coat down to his flesh. She heard Mamoru's hiss over the other noises, a curse on his lips as he pushed the motorcycle even harder. Either they sensed Usagi's power or followed them due to the ease of getting to them now that they were out of a car; the Youma were not giving up on them. Three on two, she knew deep down, if given a chance, she could take them out. But Usagi couldn't reveal herself; it was still too early for that.
She was summoning a tiny bit of energy (a slight hum in her chest compared to what she had done in the past), hoping to channel it into a small but sharp blast, when the ground around them started to crack open. It was like a ripping, following around them at all sides. The pavement all around them pulled apart, running next to them like it was alive. The road below them was untouched, the ripple not messing with their path. But the road under the Youma's bikes? It was disappearing quickly.
Youma flew into the air, their bodies flying ahead of them until they hit the ground. Usagi and Mamoru's speed allowed them to pass the tumbling bodies as soon as their kinetic energy pushed into the cement instead of their propulsion. Mamoru dodged their bodies with ease, not slowing in the slightest.
Carefully, she turned to look behind them, seeing the cars now far in the distance behind them. It looked as if they had stopped, Youma swarming them now. Usagi could just make out the beams of energy from the Senshi and hear the pops of the guns as Youma after Youma was dusted. Her heart raced for her friends as she was forced to leave them behind again.
It had been a few hours since they left everyone behind, and there was no sight of them catching up to them. The bike finally slowed as Mamoru pulled off to the side at a small but abandoned-looking farmhouse, its size almost outweighing the dilapidated look of it.
They sputtered now; Mamoru slowly took the bike around the house, looking for any signs of trouble and a place to hide their vehicle. A large barn at the back of the property was now the bike's home. Mamoru picked her up and set her back on her feet. He took his time getting off, looking over the machine and seeing if it would carry them the rest of the way, most likely. All while she waited, waited for him to notice her anger. And it didn't take long, glancing up at her after she was silent for too long.
"Don't look at me like that, Usagi. The others can take care of themselves."
"And what? I can't? I'm supposed to be protecting them. Not the other way around, Mamoru!"
Mamoru stood off the motorcycle, looming over her with a glare. "And you are. Staying hidden, alive, and continuing the mission."
He was already walking away, making for the farm house, right after he told her to stay put. Which Usagi ignored, following right behind him without care. "I'm getting really sick and tired of all of this, Mamoru."
Even though he wasn't happy about it, Mamoru wasn't surprised when she didn't listen to him. "Sick of what?!"
"Of you! Of all of you acting like I am some precious doll that can and will shatter. I am Sailor Moon, dangit!"
He spun, surprising Usagi, his face grim. "Sailor Moon, the klutz who fell on her face as much as her ass every fight? The so-called hero who couldn't take out a single Youma by herself? The cry baby who couldn't even handle a tiny scratch without falling to pieces in the middle of a battle? That Sailor Moon?"
She pushed past him, being as rough as she could be, wishing she had the courage to punch him in the face. "I was a kid, Mamoru!"
"Yeah, and five years later, you still act like one. A scared, weak, little kid."
The first door she came to was locked, tugging on it for a second before moving on to find another. "What would you know? What chances have you had to see the difference between me now and me then? You don't even know the first thing about me, Chiba!"
He cleared his throat, causing her to turn and look at him. Mamoru stood at the door she had just tried to open. One hand on the handle, the other on the wood. With one short and easy push, he had the door swinging wide, pushing the dead lock through its metal cage like a sharp knife through paper.
Not moving, Usagi had to push past Mamoru and into the dark house; the smell of dust and mold hit her hard. It caused a chill to run up her spine, the place frozen in time. Those who once lived here rushed out without touching a thing.
Wandering deeper, she passed dark room after dark room; small bedrooms belonging to children still messy from play. Her feet carried her into one of the rooms, a little girl's, pink with butterflies all over it. In her hands was a small doll, its face a little dirty and its clothes a little frayed. It was a favorite of the child that lived here, and it was left behind in their rush.
Mamoru's footsteps stopped right next to her. Usagi didn't need to look up to know he was watching her, even though she did anyway. But then she had to turn away quickly before he could shake her like he always did. Gently setting the doll back down, she pushed past him again, trying in vain to hold back tears and not let him see the fourteen-year-old that still let his words haunt her.
To Usagi's luck, Mamoru didn't follow, finding the kitchen at the back of the house and staying far away from the fridge. The house was freezing, only cutting away the cruel wind from hitting them. But she still knew better than to open a refrigerator that had been without power for who knows how long.
The cabinet had a few canned goods, mostly looking picked through. Usagi wasn't really hungry anyway, but she knew she should be. It was hard to have an appetite when half your world was left behind you to die, and the rest was torn to shreds by a crazy bitch. That, and the whole Mamoru thing.
Sitting up on the counter, a small jar of cherries in her hand, Mamoru didn't see her right away when he entered the kitchen, looking around slowly. She just watched him -silent. Thinking over everything they had been through for the thousandth time since meeting him at the Northeast Stronghold. Was all Mamoru's actions; every moment they shared; every time Mamoru touched Usagi, got close, almost kissed her; or called her Usako was all that out of guilt? The guilt he had for whatever the hell it was he did? Did guilt make people extra affectionate with people they held no love for?
Mamoru's eyes finally found hers, catching Usagi in her stare. Even with her breath catching in her throat, she did her best to act nonchalant, looking back down at her cherries like it was no big deal. Or that the sight of Mamoru didn't make his words ring louder in her ears.
His footsteps echoed around the small kitchen, coming to stand next to her and peer into the cabinet she just raided. He picked up a couple of cans, looking them over and sighing. "They're all in Russian."
She held up her jar, shaking it at him. "That's why I went with a clear jar." He reached for it, and she pulled it away, holding it above her head. "Find your own!"
"Really, Usagi? I can't have just one of your cherries?"
Mamoru wore a smirk on his lips as if all the things he had just said to her never happened, and it only pissed Usagi off more. So she shoved the jar into his grasp and jumped down. "Take them; I'm not hungry anyway."
"Usa."
"Don't you Usa me! If I am still like that fourteen-year-old girl, then you are just like that eighteen-year-old jerk who used to kick me when I was down."
"I never did that!"
"Didn't you? Are you so sure? And remember, Mamoru, it may have been five years for you, but it was only a few weeks ago for me!"
He hung his head, the two of them making it back to the living room area during their rant. "I forget that sometimes. That you didn't get to grow up like the rest of us did these past five years."
"Didn't get to grow up? So what, I'm still a little girl? Is that why you guys treat me like one?!"
"That is not what I meant…."
"I may act like a child, but that is only because all of you insist on treating me like one. And maybe that's just who I am. Did you ever think of that? Maybe I'm just a child at heart?!"
"Usagi, would you just listen to…"
"If I'm so weak, then how come the Senshi failed without me? There are nine of them, but they couldn't take out Beryl. Tuxedo Kamen lost his mind and went to the dark side, only to completely disappear afterward. Maybe I'm not strong enough to take out Beryl, maybe I'll fail too, but I'm not that scared little girl anymore, Mamoru, because I have no fear in trying even if that means I fail…."
"USAGI!" He grabbed her shoulders, managing not to hurt her even while frustrated and angry with her. "We all know you are strong and brave okay?"
"...Then… then why did you say those things to me? To hurt me?"
"To keep you from running down the road to help our friends! We all protect you because we know Usagi. We know just how important you are! That you are the key to all of this, to ending Beryl's reign of terror. Otherwise, Beryl wouldn't have spent the last five years fearing your return and killing anyone who even resembles you." Mamoru released Usagi's shoulders but didn't move any further from her than that -looming. "And I know without a doubt that you won't fail, that you are more powerful than Beryl because of this."
His finger landed gently on Usagi's chest while his eyes remained glued to hers. "What? The power I supposedly have hidden inside me?"
"No, Usagi. Because of your heart. It is the biggest of anyone I know, and it wouldn't dare fail, letting the world down."
Mamoru's finger was still attached to Usagi, a pin prick of heat coming from it that felt as if it shot a ray straight through her chest. He was causing it to heat up and beat erratically. Mamoru slowly released her from it, dropping his hand back down to his side only to let his eyes and head follow it. But not before that damned guilty look flashed on his face again.
"Okay, seriously, Mamoru, what is with the guilty look all the time?!"
He blanched, the blood from his face draining before her eyes. "I just…. I should have made Motoki ride with you."
She balked at him. "Why? What good would he have been? Probably would have just gotten him killed."
He chuckled softly. "Yeah, I guess you got me there."
"But, that's not what you are guilty about."
He whipped away, Mamoru's face and body turning away from Usagi and almost running to anywhere that was not right in front of her. "It's not?"
"No, you have been acting guilty ever since I came back. Since I found you at the Stronghold."
He stopped, keeping his back to her. "You didn't find me at the Stronghold, Usagi. Luna brought you to me."
"Okay, why?"
"It's…. not my place to say.."
"Bull crap! The world is literally crashing down around us! How can you seriously be keeping secrets from me at a time like this?!"
Now he turned, eyes blazing back at her. "It's because times are so dire that I don't tell you. You should be focusing on the mission and nothing else."
"Oh, like you? So focused on your mission, the job of taking care of me instead of doing what it is you should be doing."
"And what is that Usagi? What is it I should be doing?"
"Going after the girl!"
His jaw dropped, and he shook his head as if he could clear her words that way. "What?"
"Why are you here with me instead of going after the girl? The one you left behind, the one you love?"
"What are you talking about?!"
"I don't want to be some STUPID job to you!"
"Then what would you rather be to me?"
Mamoru's eyes had softened, a small smile playing on his lips and it had Usagi struggling to remember the point she was trying to get to. Her frustration coming to a head, she turned away from him and his damned boyish good looks. "I will do this all by myself if I have to; no one owes me that much to risk their lives. I won't be someone's obligation."