If You Give a Supernatural Case a Twist

by SerpentCountess

When you go on a hunt, the last thing you want is a hungry animal around and causing problems... but what happens if you make the mistake of feeding the wild creatures? (A three part crack fic parody of the If You Give... series written in conjunction with SoooMyNamesRebecca on AO3 covering just what happens if you feed a moose, squirrel, and giraffe) Enjoy!

2. If You Give a Squirrel a Pie

If you give a squirrel a pie, he's going to ask for a beer to go with it.

When you give him one, he's probably going to ask you for another right after.

Once he's finished eating, he'll probably start reading the obituaries to look for a hunt in town,

And, once he's found one, he's going to want to leave immediately.

He's already cleaned all the weapons, so all he has to do is load them into Baby…

But you'll have to check out of the motel before you can go.

The hunt is at a church, so he's not going to like having to go in,

But the spirit is killing people, so he's going to do it anyway.

You're going to need a cover identity, so he'll probably pull out your fake detective's badges.

The badges will get you in to see the priest, but he's not going to know much,

So you'll have to do some more research on your laptop.

When you pull out the computer, you'll realize it's frozen on ,

And, when you confront him about it, he's going to bring up Casa Erotica IV until you let it go.

The laptop's your only source of Internet, so you're going to have to head back to the library…

And he's going to head to the bar and look for "witnesses."

By the time he gets back, he'll know all the gossip around town…

But you'll focus on his story about the law professor who murdered his wife a few years back.

When you go to burn the bones, he'll dig the grave while you prepare the salt and fuel.

Once you add them both, he'll want to light the match and toss it in,

But, as you head back to the car, something's going to start bothering him.

When he thinks about it, he'll realize that the creature wasn't acting like a spirit,

And he's going to become convinced that it's a poltergeist and want to make some hex bags, just in case.

They're going to come in handy if the thing attacks again…

And, because Winchester luck is never good, it almost certainly will. (When it does, though, you'll both be ready.)

He'll probably distract the thing so you can take the kill shot, and he definitely won't want to talk about his recklessness.

Instead, he'll probably blare Zeppelin on the way home, singing all the words as loudly as he can.

Once you get back to the motel, he's going to crack open a beer for both of you…

And, chances are, he's going to want a slice of pie to go with it.