Tea'sing All The Way Through

by Defenestrated-Nutter

The coffee shop that had become Law's second home just closed and he was forced to find another one to survive. In between all the madness that is college, he found himself tangled with his barista's personal life, his dog and his really bad food puns as if he didn't have enough of his own problems already. A journey about self-discovery. Lawlu. Slow-burn. Like, really Slow-burn.

13. Chapter Thirteen

Major Warnings: descriptions of blood and injuries, self-mutilation, vomiting, intrusive thoughts, sexual harassment, slight sexual violence, sexual content.

I'm sorry for this major delay, I found this chapter terribly hard to write and I had some major changes in my life.

But here it is. Please be aware of the warnings.

I just want to apologize in advance for what is about to come.

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As he sees the Bell-mere's getting closer and closer, he can't help but ponder about leaving, about walking back through the way he just came, can't help but ponder about calling Nami to say that he won't be able to make it that day despite being able to see her through the window, reading a magazine on her place behind the counter, she not having many customers to attend at that hour of the day. But, in the end, he decides against it and keeps heading forward, because it wouldn't solve anything if he turned back now, because he has to be more responsible, because he has to face his job even if the employer is one of his friends, because he can do it, because everything is fine now, because he is fine now.

But still, once he enters Bell-mere's, the bell jingling above his head, all of his confidence falls as soon as Nami lays her eyes on him, her gaze saying it all without any word needing to leave her mouth, her features being covered with disappointment and disapproval for seeing him once again arrive late to work, then with worry once she takes a good look at him, once he gets closer, she then getting up from her high chair and approaching him once he goes around the counter, standing taller in front of him with her eyebrows furrowed as she analyzes his face, his clothes, then his bandaged hands, covered around the knuckles.

He doesn't fight when she grabs him by the wrist and drags him inside the kitchen right after, and neither does he complain when she corners him against the stove, looking around despite Nojiko not being in there, only to then ask what happened, keeping her voice low, it almost sounding like a whisper. In fact, he only finds the whole thing funny, considering he doesn't look as much of a mess as he did the previous day, because Law made sure of it before he let him leave his apartment, because Law gave him a toothbrush that was stored in one of the bathroom cabinets for him to brush his teeth properly, because Law cleaned his skin with soap until they were both sharing the same scent, because Law lent him some fresh clothes, because Law tamed his hair once it was mostly dry, because Law changed the bandages in his hands with care and put them in a way that wouldn't affect much their movement.

"I'm fine, don't worry," Luffy tells her, trying to ease the ambiance, to show her that there's nothing wrong now, that everything is okay, that he's just dealing with his bad decisions. "Gramps came to visit and I got angry. That's all," he then adds when she doesn't seem convinced.

"Did he ramble about that marine bullshit again?" Nami asks, sighing when Luffy just nods in response, she already knowing too well how his grandfather was. "You should've called me. I would've told that old man where to stick his advice." And, as he looks at her from up close, watching as she gently grabs his hands and brings them closer to her face to inspect them further, he realizes how he knows she would, how he knows she would defend him, how she would yell back at Gramps without thinking twice. "Do you want me to take a look?"

And so he smiles at her in response, being grateful for having her as friends despite everything, and then shakes his head. "Law already gave me a check-up, you don't need to worry."

"You know I do nevertheless," she says, and he does know, he truly does, even if sometimes he wishes she didn't, even if sometimes he wishes she could just mind her own business, even if sometimes he wishes she could just stop looking down at him with pity. "I'm glad you weren't alone afterwards though, even if you were with that nerd."

"You seemed pretty eager of him treating me before," he mutters, before he can't stop himself, before he can think about his words, putting his apron over Law's hoodie despite knowing full well how he'll be melting in no time.

"Yeah, but I didn't think–" she starts, then closes her mouth into a thin line, looking away from his face. "Forget it."

"Finish what you were saying," he cuts her, his voice sounding harsher than what he intended it to, him only realizing it once he hears her sighing heavily.

Nami looks down at her feet, then back up at his face once again, biting into her bottom lip. "I didn't think it would lead to anything more, otherwise I wouldn't have pushed it."

"Why not?" he still insists, despite remembering when Nami discovered he gave Law free food, despite remembering how she dragged him into the kitchen and told Nojiko to leave, despite remembering how much she complained and yelled at him, not because of the money, but because of Law himself, because he was trouble just waiting to happen. And yet Law still went visit him at the hospital while he was unconscious, still went to his apartment, banging at his door until he opened it, then opening his curtains and making him come out to walk Chopper, and all of it was Nami's doing, all of it was Nami trying to push Law in his direction, all of it was Nami trying to make Law her little spy in order to know the things that Luffy wasn't telling her.

"Because you like him, Luffy," she says, and he can't help but feel the anger building inside of him, because back then Nami didn't care if he had a crush on Law or not, she instead being too focused on her selfish need to know everything, because if Law didn't stop telling her the things she wanted to know she would've been successful, because if Law didn't respect his privacy and his secrets Nami wouldn't either, because if Law didn't stay on his side instead of hers she wouldn't dislike him as much, and neither would her face flinch every time Law's name is mentioned or be covered with disapproval. And Luffy would've thrown that to her face right there, would've called her out, if only he didn't see her tired face, pained, because at the end of the day she's his friend, because at the end of the day she worries about him as much as he worries about her.

"I don't like him that way," he says instead, hating the way his voice sounds like a lie even to his own ears, hating the way Nami's face falls into a softer expression right after.

"Are you saying that to convince yourself or me?" she asks, her brows frowning as she crosses her arms in front of her chest. "That fucking nerd came up with this alliance bullshit just to fuck around, c'mon, Luffy. You deserve better than that."

Know your place.

"It's not like that-"

"Then it's like what?"

"It's not just about the sex," he ends up saying, and he doesn't add that he too expected the whole thing to just be about it, doesn't add that he too expected it to be mostly centered around it, to have more, doesn't add that he only accepted the alliance with that intention to begin with, because he did, and he would be lying if he said he didn't.

"Maybe for you it isn't," Nami says, her expression softening once again, and it's then that Luffy realizes how he can't explain that he just knows it isn't like that, how he can't possibly describe it, how he can't make Nami understand that they're not just fucking around, because of the holding, of the touching, because of the way Law's hands move around his body, on his face, on his neck, on his lower back, because of the smiles against his lips, the hums, the angling, the closeness, the warmth, because Law is patient, so frustratingly patient, because most of the time he's just there, making him feel warm and comfortable, knowing what to do and what to say, knowing when he's him and when he's not, knowing when to give him space and when to push him, respecting his privacy while still being present, making him feel safe, making him feel real. "I just don't want you getting hurt at the end because the guy doesn't even know what he wants."

"He's not like that," he mutters, more to himself than to Nami, and he always finds it funny really, how his friends are always worried about Law using him, about Law playing with his feelings, about Law potentially hurting him in the future, never the other way around, never considering that maybe it could be him using Law, that maybe it could be him playing with Law's feelings, that maybe it could be him hurting Law in the end. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"I'm sorry too," Nami says, approaching just enough to wrap her arms around him and give him a gentle but tight hug, filling his nostrils with the sweet scent of her perfume and then leaning back just enough to be able to look at his face, smiling down at him while keeping the weight of her arms around his shoulders, her wrists crossed behind the back of his neck. "Can you move your hands properly?"

"I'll try not to screw the orders more than what I normally do," Luffy jokes, giving her a smile as well, and that seems to do the trick, she not insisting more on the subject and instead ruffling his hair, then adjusting his apron, her fingers lingering on the fabric of the hoodie he was wearing, knowing full well who it belongs to but not commenting on it any further, not saying anything at all.

Nami doesn't take too long to leave after that, first exiting the kitchen to grab all of her things, then exiting through the front door of the place after giving him a small kiss on the forehead, the sound of the bell jingling filling the place before getting muffled by the voices of the customers talking to each other quietly, the words leaving their mouths barely being recognizable from his place behind the counter. He ends up not having much to do for a long while, not a single customer entering and the ones being inside already having their orders, and so he tries to occupy his mind with cleaning the counter, then the coffee machines, the whole process not taking as long as he'd hope as Nami always keeps everything clean.

And so, soon enough, Luffy finds himself staring ahead blankly once again, his mind recalling his conversation with Nami, then the time he spent at Law's place, the phone on his pocket suddenly feeling heavy, calling for attention until Luffy throws it to the corner of the counter, trying to erase the guilt from building up inside of him while doing so, because he should've blocked Lucci's number a long time ago, he knows he should've, and yet he didn't, not when he told Lucci he didn't want to continue meeting him, not earlier that day when he left Law's apartment and deleted his text, and not now while he's glaring at his phone.

And it's weird really, how in a way he can't help but think about how with Lucci everything was a lot more simple than what it is with Law, how it was a lot more black and white, because Lucci would decide the time and the day of their encounters, never Luffy, because Lucci would send him a text with that information and if Luffy didn't appear like he was told to, it would just be a reason for Lucci to go even harder on him the next time, because by the end of it Lucci would kick him out without even letting him take a shower or eat something, because aside from what was strictly necessary they wouldn't even talk, no questions asked, no space for Luffy to accept or to refuse anything.

So he can't help but wonder if Lucci would respond if he sent him a text then, a normal text with no other intention behind it, can't help but wonder if Lucci has missed him in his own, distorted way, can't help but wonder if that's the reason why he's telling him to come over that night despite not having heard from him in a long time. And it makes Luffy feel stupid really, the way he has to force his brain to remember that that's not Lucci, to remember that Lucci doesn't care about him and that neither does he miss him, to remember that for Lucci he's just a little slut that he can use to his pleasure, because he knows all of that, knows that way to well. And yet part, of him still wishes that things with Lucci had turned out differently, still wished that they had met under different circumstances.

And he's still thinking about that when, later that day, he heads back to Law's apartment like he said he would, the weight on his chest growing heavier with each step that he takes until he's feeling dirty and guilty, despite not having done anything wrong, his throat tightening when he has to call Law, his voice barely being audible when he tells him to open the door, then barely registering the sound of Chopper's barks getting louder and louder as he gets closer to Law's floor, the only thought crossing his head being that he hopes Law's landlord and neighbors don't mind the noise, that he hopes they aren't too strict about not having pets, that he hopes Law didn't get into any trouble. He finds Chopper at the top of the staircase, waiting for on the last step, almost as if he knew it was him that was arriving, wiggling his little tail and letting his tongue hang from his mouth, and so Luffy picks him up and holds him close against his chest, letting him lick his face, letting the warmth of his small body touch him and cover him completely before forcing himself to enter Law's apartment once again, dragging his feet along the wooden floor.

The living room was already mostly organized before Luffy left for work early that afternoon, but now it was actually clean, and he can't help but notice how different it feels to enter Law's space now, in comparison to the previous night, can't help but notice how the blinds are open along with the windows, the air inside not being as stuffed, as heavy, can't help but notice how instead everything smells as the detergent that Law made him buy one time when they were both standing in the cleaning aisle. And he also can't help but hold Chopper closer to his chest when he notices Law, sat by the dining table with his computer in front of him, surrounded by loose papers and open books, a vision that he has got used to seeing a long while back at the Bell-mere's corner, the main difference being that now Law stands up and approaches him with a tired but soft expression on his face, getting close enough to look down at him, not having a counter in between them to keep their distance but Chopper being close enough in that regard.

"How was work?" Law asks, looking directly at him while petting Chopper behind his ears before stepping away.

"It was fine," Luffy answers simply, watching as Law goes to close the front door before turning back to him, giving him a small smile that catches him by surprise despite not lasting enough to keep the image stored on his memory.

"I have something for you," Law ends up saying then, passing by him and heading towards the dining table once again, "I found the cute cactus that you asked for."

Putting Chopper down, Luffy doesn't miss his heart beating loudly inside of his ribcage once he sees Law grabbing a small and ugly thing, greenish and with a fake blue flower glued to the top, barely fitting inside the white plant plot where it was in, and neither does he miss the way his chest gets heavier when he steps closer to the dining table and towards Law, or the way his throat gets tighter until it gets hard to breathe when Law bends down to kiss him on his forehead, making him feel filthy.

And despite the whole thing being corny and ridiculous, Luffy still finds himself staring at the tattoo on Law's back later that night, black lines contrasting with the thin red ones made by his fingernails just a few hours before, still finds himself thinking about how in a way he ended up spending the night the same way he would if he went to Lucci's instead.

No, he reminds himself then, because it was not the same thing, not at all, because Law made him dinner before fucking him against the mattress, because afterwards Law offered him some snacks once they were done showering, because Law gave him some loose clothes for him to use as pajamas, because Law let him occupy his bed despite him not having more utility, because Law snuggled close to him while holding him by his waist before turning to the other side.

And so, on the next day after Law leaves for his morning classes, Luffy takes his time getting up from the bed to do the same, feeling sore and empty while doing so, the tears building up on the corners of his eyes but refusing to fall down his cheeks as he walks down the street towards his own apartment, holding Chopper's leash in one hand, and carrying the cactus in the other, feeling his chest warming up whenever he looks at the You're my favorite little prick written in Law's ugly handwriting over the white of the plant pot.

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After that day, the rest of the week passes by in a confusing blur. Luffy's sleeping habits get worse with each sleepless night that he spends on his empty apartment, tossing and turning on his cold bed with nobody to hold him close, wanting to scream in frustration but no sound coming out of his mouth whenever he tried to do so. And it ends up happening so often that one night he decides to get up from his bed and throws the mattress onto the floor, getting the sheets all tangled together when he starts pushing it towards the window but not minding it one slight bit, his mind instead being too over the place to even make sense of what he's doing, being too much of a mess.

He lays down once again under Chopper's curiosity, letting his heavy head rest against the pillow and feeling it sinking in while looking through the window, to the part of the dark sky that he's able to see just outside, his back complaining when he has to turn his body to the side for Chopper to snuggle close to him without falling out. And he finds it stupid really, the way he can't help but recall how, despite Law's apparent lack of interest when he told him that he wasn't seeing anyone else other than him, Law still suggested getting tested and ditching condoms with each other, to recall how he did it so casually and so out of the blue while cleaning the dishes that it caught Luffy by surprise, to recall how two new rules were added to their alliance that easily, to wear protection whenever they are with other people from Law's part, and to warn each other if they do from Luffy's. And he tried not to think too much about it, tried not to think much about how deep down he wished he had chosen something different to be his rule, because Law not being with other people didn't mean it couldn't happen in the future, because the mere thought of it made his belly clench, tried not to think much about how both of them were being exclusive to each other without really planning it, tried not to think much about how they would continue doing it, only this time in mutual agreement.

He really did try, but he ended up foolishly doing so anyway, mostly because in a way he wished that their relationship, their alliance, whatever the hell they have, had happened under different circumstances as well, less depressing, wished that they had met differently, wished that Law could look at him and not see a broken person, wished that he could offer Law more, wished that they could just begin it all from scratch. But he can't and, despite having told Nami and himself the contrary, deep down he's well aware that Law's main interest in him is based on sex and on the fact that he's fucked up, much like it was with Lucci, although in a different way, just like he's aware that all of the rest is just his own feelings playing tricks on him, that it's just his own head making him see things that aren't there, giving importance to things that don't mean anything, trying to put him in a place that doesn't belong to him.

And Luffy would be lying, if he said it didn't hurt his heart to think about it, to think about how good it would be if they could just start over, how good it would be if they could just go back to the Bell-mere's, to the puns, how good it would be if they could just go back to when he thought Law was unreachable, to when Law was a mere crush that he knew would never go anywhere past that, how good it would be if Law never entered Bell-mere's to begin with.

But he did, that day and a lot more times afterwards, has entered his life as well, his routine, and along with that, Law has also broken all the barriers that he has raised without once giving him a reason to make him mad, to make him want to shove him away. In fact, Law only gave him reasons to keep wanting more, to keep wanting his company, to keep wanting his presence next to him, only made it more difficult to deal with the days where he doesn't hear anything from him or the ones where he just receives a few dry text messages, to deal with the loneliness that comes with not having anyone to share his bed with, to deal with the lack of Law's scent on his apartment.

And so, despite knowing full well that Law has his own life, that he has his own responsibilities, that he has his own friends, he finds that he can't stop himself from selfishly wishing that Law was there, lying next to him, surrounded by dust and uncomfortable but looking through the window and having the moonlight painting his face, can't help but wish to not have stayed the whole night alone in the same position, waiting for the sky to start to clear and watching it turn from pitch black to dark purple, then a mixture of red and yellow before the blue finally takes over.

It's only then that his brain allows him to start feeling tired and sleepy, it's only then that he manages to keep his eyes closed without having to force them shut, it's only then that he's able to feel the heaviness of his own head against the soft pillow, him not having enough strength to move his mattress once again to the bed and instead just covering his body with the forgotten sheets, protecting his face from the sunlight coming from the window but barely doing anything to block it, instead trying not to think about the way most of his body was numb, about how his arms were tingling, or about the way he could barely even feel his fingers when he tried to open and close his fists.

And yet, he still falls asleep, although only a couple of hours pass by before his brain is wide awake again, his phone ringing loudly from his place on the bedside table, seeming too far away when he turns his neck to look in its direction. So much so that he ponders about ignoring it, about pretending that he didn't hear anything, that it was just something from a dream, he really does, but the downside of having the same tone for his alarm and for incoming calls is never knowing what it could be, and so he forces himself to stand up from the floor, feeling his knees complaining the moment he first puts pressure on them, then as he does all the way towards the empty bed frame.

It's not with surprise that he sees Law's name covering the entirety of his phone's screen as he sleepily brings him close to his face, barely being able to open his eyes properly, the fogginess on his vision taking its time to disappear, but it's with disappointment that he hears Shachi's voice coming from the other side of the line when he picks up, being low and rough, asking if he would mind covering his morning shift that would start in less than an hour, then getting a bit higher once Luffy accepts with a sigh that he doubts Shachi even heard.

And he did so because he wasn't in a place to say no, because he still remembered all the times Shachi covered his shifts when he wasn't feeling like himself, when he wasn't feeling like anyone, like anything, because in a way it felt like a retribution, even if he still has a lot more shifts to cover for them to be even. And despite wanting to get back to sleep, Luffy found that he didn't care much about the interruption, nor about the fact that Shachi woke him up, because while he was making his way towards Bell-mere's after having walked Chopper around the neighborhood he just felt useful.

Shachi ended up appearing later that afternoon, around the time Luffy's shift would start if it was a normal day, the bell jingling above his head as he opened the Bell-mere's door, then above Law's, following close behind him. Both of them looked as exhausted and restless as Luffy was feeling, he noticed once they got close enough, and so despite having the opportunity to leave just then, Luffy ended up deciding to stay for a bit longer, Shachi being too hungover to even stand on his feet properly, ended up helping him take care of the customers until Shachi told him to leave, until he said he would be alright all by himself, until he pointed at Law packing his things and winked.

And Luffy would be lying, if he said his throat didn't tighten when he saw Law leaving his seat at the corner, when he saw Law looking back for a few seconds to make sure he wasn't leaving anything behind before approaching the counter, when he saw once again the mess on Law's face, the tiredness covering it, the dark and irregular stubble growing along his jawline, the black of his hair pointing in all directions instead of being covered with his hat. And it was weird, Luffy realized, the way the whole process felt simultaneously familiar and foreign.

They ended up not doing much that night, neither of them even bothering to put in the effort to move the mattress back to its rightful place on the bed frame. In fact, they ended up laying down on the tangled sheets and eating the take out they bought on the way to Luffy's apartment, neither of them having enough energy to even think about cooking dinner, and Law took his time explaining how he took care of Shachi throughout the previous night, how he had to go pick him up on the other side of town and bring him to his own apartment, then how he had to clean more vomit than what he wants to admit, his voice sounding rough and dragged out, tired, almost as if he was talking more to himself than to Luffy.

And so, Luffy stayed petting Law's hair until he fell asleep, and continued doing so long after Law's breathing got heavy and steady against the curve of his neck, kept him close, letting Law's scent fill his nostrils, letting his mind remember what it was like to have Law in his bed, letting it remember what it was like to have Law's warmth pressed against his own body, letting it remember how good it made him feel.

He didn't need to force his eyes shut that night. Instead, he peacefully drifted into sleep like he hasn't done in a long time.

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The next day, it was Saturday, but it took Luffy a couple of minutes to realize it, to realize that Law didn't have any classes that day, to realize that he didn't need to shake Law's shoulder just for him to wake up, and by the time he did it was already too late, Law groaning in frustration and complaining in a low, sleepy voice, rolling back until he was facing the ceiling. And it was then that Luffy noticed how the bags underneath Law's eyes didn't disappear despite having slept the whole night, it was then that he noticed how the stubble on Law's face got darker, but he decided not to comment on it and instead slid underneath the covers once again, just for a little while longer, then snuggling closer to Law once he felt his arm wrapping around his waist.

"Can I stay here?" he hears Law asking then, before digging his face into the soft curve of his neck, "I could use the company."

"I have work today," Luffy tells him, feeling a shiver run down his spine when Law sighs heavily in disapproval, his hot breath tickling his sensitive skin. "But I don't mind you staying. And I'm sure Chopper won't either."

"Thank you," Law says, his voice barely being audible despite their closeness, his grip on Luffy's waist getting tighter, bringing him closer, then gradually loosening up as his sleepy breathing started to get heavier with time.

And Luffy found it difficult, to have to get up a few minutes later, to have to slide away from Law's warm embrace, to have to leave his apartment altogether and go to work, so much so that he ended up doing it without looking back in Law's direction, still in the same position on the mattress, feeling a pit on his stomach as soon as he started making his way down the staircase of his building, then feeling it grow on his walk towards Bell-mere's.

Nami didn't tell him anything once he got there, didn't comment on the fact that he was late yet again, nor did she comment on his appearance. In fact, she only looked at him with a small smile before leaving him all alone behind the counter for the rest of his shift. And, somehow, that was way worse, because at least he would have a reason for the sudden wave of rage that washed over him as soon as he heard the bell jingling above Nami's ginger head, because at least he would have a reason for the tight knot on his throat, for his hands that started to shake, because he would have Nami's voice playing inside of his head instead of his own, calling him stupid, mocking his poor decisions, remembering him to know his place when later that morning Law sends him a text, a simple thing just asking Howre things?, followed by another one a few seconds later, the phone buzzing in the middle of his hands before Luffy had time to read the I think Chopper would do well in medical school written on it.

It made Luffy snicker a bit while looking down at his phone then, and made him only feel a little stupid when he typed Prove it and hit send without thinking twice, his chest warming up when he received a photo in response, a photo of Chopper sleeping with his belly up in between Law's legs, both of them being surrounded by books and papers, both of them occupying the mattress that was still on the floor. And despite wishing that Law's face was in the picture as well, the whole thing still made Luffy smile, it really did, still made him happy to know that Chopper was not alone in the apartment, to know that he was receiving the attention that he deserves, to know that Law had company as well, instead of being alone in his cold and messy place, to know that he would be meeting them once he left work, that he would be joining them in no time.

But, by the time his shift ended a few hours later, he found himself dragging his feet along the sidewalk while carrying a small box filled with donuts and a few slices of apple pie, found himself taking more time than normal to reach his street, found himself staring at the buttons near the front door of his building before pressing his apartment's one for Law to open the door for him, found himself feeling the exact same pit in his stomach once he started making his way up the staircase, then feeling it grown once he entered through the door and found Law sat by the dining table instead of on the mattress, surrounded by papers and so focused on his computer that he didn't even raise his head to look at him. And so Luffy watched Law for a while after closing the door behind him, waiting for a greeting, an hello, or at least a little smile in acknowledgment that he was there, but he got nothing and only saw as Law seemed to get more and more anxious as time passed by, more and more stressed, tense, restless, his foot hitting fast against the floor, the pen he was using moving so much that his palm got all scribbled without him even noticing, his teeth biting into his bottom lip, his nails scratching his stubble, then his scalp before his hands go back to the keyboard, then repeating the process all over again.

And so, when Luffy finally takes a step forward and gets closer to Law, asking if everything is alright, he's not surprised when he receives a cold glare in response, even if it still takes him a little aback.

"Don't talk to me right now, okay?" it's all that Law tells him before he redirects his attention back to the screen in front of him, and despite knowing better, Luffy still found himself asking why, not because he felt insulted, not because he expected to be able to be of any help, but because deep down he missed this Law, missed this arrogance, this distance in between them, because most importantly he missed who he was himself at that time. "Just. Don't," Law says then, low and in between his teeth, his voice almost sounding like a threat but Luffy barely even hearing it, barely even paying attention to the sound that reaches his ears, him instead being too focused on the thought of what would happen if he kept pushing it, if he kept annoying Law, wondering if Law would yell at him, wondering if Law would pack his things and leave, wondering if instead Law would punch him to shut his mouth for good, wondering if the thought of hurting him would ever cross Law's mind, or if perhaps it already did.

But instead of finding out, Luffy ends up just nodding and giving Law a small smile, placing the Bell-mere's pastry box next to his computer before grabbing Choppers leash and leaving his apartment once again, trying not to let his brain think more about it, trying to not let it take the whole thing too seriously, because he understands, all of it, because he knows what it's like to not feel like himself, to snap at people without even realizing it or wanting to, to release the anger and frustration on them despite not being their fault. God, he does.

And so he walks Chopper to the park with slow but heavy steps along the sidewalk, then lets himself wander aimlessly through the dirt paths among the trees until the sun starts to lay lower and lower, until the night starts to take over, until there's only the two of them in the park, until there's only silence surrounding them, until there are no laughs or cries coming from little children playing in the playground, no sounds of fast steps from people jogging, no sounds of people's voices as they talk while walking around, just the two of them and the sound of the wind blowing above, the sound of the dried leaves being crushed underneath them. And it's only then that he decides to leave, noticing how this time he doesn't have to force his legs to take him towards his apartment as he had in the afternoon, how he doesn't feel his chest being crushed as he sees his building in the distance, getting closer with every step that he takes, how instead he only wonders if Law has managed to get his work under control, if he has managed to be productive, if he has managed to finish what he had to do, him then realizing quite easily how it didn't happen once he enters through the front door again, despite Law's rage seeming to have been replaced by exhaustion, despite now Law looking away from his computer's screen to face him.

Chopper runs in Law's direction as soon as he's free from his leash, almost as if nothing happened, tongue hanging out and looking pleased when Law bends down to pet him behind his ears, then trotting away towards the kitchen once he's satisfied, to go drink water and eat. But Luffy, on the other hand, stays still in the same place by the door, looking a Law for a little while, tilting his head to the side and analyzing the man in front of him, analyzing Law's messy but fluffy hair, analyzing the shirt that he was now wearing, one of his own, one that on him look big but that on Law have a perfect size, and then he smiles, deciding not to bring up his rule, deciding to not tell Law to take it off just yet and instead approaches him, noticing the mug next to his computer and arching an eyebrow when he sees its content.

"Drinking tea? That's unusual."

Law snorts and rolls his eyes, scratching his chest and relaxing his shoulders before looking away. "It's not like that one you used to give me at Bell-mere's though."

"But it seems to have worked just fine," Luffy tells him, remembering all the times Law snapped at him as a customer, remembering all the glares, remembering Nami's surprised face whenever they had a low stock of oolong tea.

"I'm sorry," Law says then, after a little while, looking down at his feet before raising his head again, "I shouldn't have talked to you that way."

"It's fine," Luffy tells him, approaching some more when Law doesn't seem convinced, until he was standing in front of him, until he was close enough to hold Law's face and smile down at him when he feels Law's hands running up the back of his thighs, sealing their lips together when they stop at the low of his back, first only making their presence known, then Law's fingers digging into his cardigan once Luffy breaks the kiss, not letting him move away any further. "Hey- Torao, I'm stinky," Luffy protests when Law buries his face on the curve of his neck just like he did early in the morning, not kissing it, not biting into the sensitive skin there, but instead just inhaling deeply, his hot breath and hair tickling him.

Luffy tries to move Law's face away then, tries to prevent Law from smelling the sweat on him, but Law just huffs against his neck in amusement every time he tries, just buries his face even further against the crock of his neck, ghostly running his lips along the side. And so Luffy doesn't insist more, instead deciding to run his fingers through Law's hair and feeling pleased when he notices the smell of his own shampoo on it, then to touch Law's face, running his thumbs along Law's cheeks and stopping on Law's forehead, placing his palm over it and noticing how it was warmer than normal.

But yet again, he decides to not bring it up, decides to not comment.

"Did you finish what you had to do?" Luffy asks instead.

"Not even close," Law mutters, finally moving his face away from Luffy's neck but this time not seeming angry, not seeming stressed, instead just looking up at Luffy with a tired expression, placing his hands on the back of Luffy's thighs once more but just keeping them there, without second intentions, and Luffy's sure he would feel them being cold against his skin if only he didn't have fabric covering his legs.

And so it's without thinking that Luffy bends down again to kiss Law once more, just a quick peck on the lips before parting away, not wanting to steal Law more time, not wanting to distract him even more, but still noticing Law chasing his mouth, wanting more, still noticing how Law takes a while to open his eyes and look up at him, his brows frowning at the middle.

"I will let you finish," Luffy says, and Law reluctantly lets him step away and returns his attention back to his computer where it should be.

Luffy heads towards the kitchen first, refilling Chopper's water bowl and his food one, then towards the bathroom, stopping in the middle of it and letting his clothes fall onto the cold tiles without bothering to pick them up. He takes a long warm shower, at first just standing under the water, letting it wash away the trace of Law's fingers off of his skin, the warmth of his lips, feeling it burning his scalp and his shoulders but not minding one slight bit, because at least he's feeling something other than the overwhelming beat of his heart against his ribcage; and only after that does he start to properly clean himself, knowing full well how the night will most likely play out, knowing full well what all of the touches meant, knowing full well how horny Law gets when he's stressed, knowing full well how otherwise Law would continue to snap at him, how otherwise he wouldn't bother himself with Luffy's presence.

And it's weird, how the hot water running down his skin ends up not being as comforting as he thought it would be, how instead it only makes his throat tighten when he tries to yet again convince himself that his thing with Law is not just about the sex, that Law's not using him, that Law's different, just like he told Nami, just like he has been telling himself ever since they started their thing. But only this time, he fails miserably, the voice in his head telling him to know his place getting louder the more he stares at his reflection on the foggy mirror, the more he stares at the water drops falling from his hair and running down his naked skin, because despite his appearance not frightening him as much now he still has a hard time recognizing himself, the bags underneath his eyes still being there, the scar on his chest still making his stomach curl, the scars on his wrists still making him wanting to add more, to cut more deeply, the bruises still covering his knuckles not hurting as much as he wanted them to.

Ignoring the puddle at his feet and the clothes on the floor, he wraps a towel around his waist and exists the bathroom, heading towards the bedroom area without minding the wet footprints along the way, barely noticing Law as he passes by him, barely noticing Law looking up from his computer and smirking at him, barely noticing the way Law's eyebrows knit together almost immediately when he doesn't smile back and instead turns away completely, taking a while to get dressed and realizing how he barely has clean clothes at this point, realizing how he barely has the energy necessary to move his limbs, then realizing how Law has closed his computer and got up.

"I can do the dinner myself, go finish your work," Luffy says, following Law towards the kitchen and stopping right in front of him before he has time to reach the fridge, then pouting when Law shoves him aside easily. "Torao, I'm serious."

"And risk you burning the whole place down? Don't be ridiculous," Law says, giving him a playful glare before opening the fridge and peeking inside. "Plus, you wouldn't even know how to cook what I bought."

Oh.

"You went grocery shopping?" Luffy mumbles and, despite seeing Law grab a plastic bag full of red bell peppers and a tray pack of ground beef that weren't in the fridge when he left in the morning, he still receives a hum in response. And it's funny really, how Luffy only manages to keep himself standing there, next to the goddamn fridge while looking at the man in front of him, watching as Law settles himself in the kitchen like he has done so many times by now, watching as Law already knows where everything is, the pan where he usually cooks pasta, the skillet where he cooks the meat, every utensil that he uses in between, then watching as Law puts the apron over his clothes before looking back, arching an eyebrow at him. But the funniest part is that, despite being truly grateful for having Law there, willing to give him attention, willing to cook him dinner, and despite having felt lonely for most of the week, he can't help but wish Law wasn't there after all, can't help but wish he would have enough strength to kick him out, to tell him to leave. "You look better without your shirt on," he ends up saying instead.

"I could tell you the same thing," Law says, smirking and being completely oblivious to the turmoil inside of Luffy's head, "now help me cook, will ya?"

And so he does, approaching the counter next to Law and waiting for the instructions that never come, watching as Law cuts a big onion into small bits and throws it inside the skillet, then adding sliced mushrooms and garlic when the distinctive smell of frying onion fills his apartment, wondering when Law became such a chef, wondering when their meals stopped being the simple mixture of pasta and canned tuna and realizing how it was a long while back. Luffy turns on the oven when he's told to do so, and stirs the mix while Law fights to open a can of tomato sauce, watching as onion bits get smaller and smaller the longer they fry, squishing a few slices of mushroom with the wooden spoon until they're cut in half, then watching as everything gets covered in a vivid and thick layer of red, watching as the tomato sauce starts to boil soon after and only noticing Law's hand tracing the low of his back when its warmth disappears altogether, only noticing Law's absence on his side when he approaches again, carefully holding the ground beef and putting it inside the skillet.

"Wanna switch now?" Law asks then, and Luffy hands him the wooden spoon without complaining, without pointing out how that's the only thing he has done to help with the dinner, how that's the only thing he is capable of doing without making a mess and still seeing a few drops of sauce covering the stove. "Could you cut the bell peppers for me?"

And Luffy nods, because he can, because he can cut the tops and take out the seeds, because that's easy enough.

Or so it should be, if only his hand didn't start shaking as soon as he grabbed the knife from the drawer, if only his veins didn't start itching, if only he didn't start wondering if the blood coming out of his wrists would be as thick and as red as the tomato sauce was when it left the can, if only Law's gaze on him wasn't so obvious, so overwhelming, if only Law wasn't analyzing him, judging him, reading right through him.

"I'm terrible at this, I know," Luffy hears himself saying, then hears a snort coming from his side.

"You're doing just fine," Law tells him, approaching from behind and putting his arms around his hips, touching ever so slightly while pressing himself against his back. And the whole thing should make the process more difficult, Luffy realizes then, should make his movements more limited, should make his precision with the knife across the skin of the bell peppers worse.

It should.

And yet it didn't, because suddenly his brain was no longer paying attention to his shaky fingers but to his racing heart, because suddenly the blood on his veins stopped itching and started pounding loudly on his ears, because suddenly he got overwhelmed with a sudden urge to cry, to press himself harder against Law's chest, to let Law hold him closer and forget about the dinner altogether. And he would, he realizes quite easily, if only he didn't finish cutting the damn bell peppers in the process, if only Law didn't mumble a simple "good job" next to his ear before stepping away and taking over once again.

But he finds that he doesn't mind, or so he tells himself as he watches Law stuffing the bell peppers with the mixture of the skillet to the very top, then as he watches Law put the food on a black metal tray that he didn't even know he owned, both of them ending up just standing there afterwards, awkwardly staring at the oven, the tickling of the timer filling the silence that fell over the whole apartment.

"How long will it take?" Luffy asks after a while, and he barely has time to register Law's blank and distant gaze before his expression changes and he turns towards him, arching one eyebrow.

"You hungry?"

"Is the sky blue?" Luffy ends up asking in response, feeling stupid with the silly remark but pleased when he hears Law letting out a muffled laugh before looking down at his feet, Law's hand then coming up to scratch his chest.

"Why don't you start with dessert then?"

"You bought dessert too?" Luffy asks, tilting his head when Law just smirks in response, approaching just enough to ruffle his hair without needing to stretch his arm.

"You brought it yourself, dummy."

Oh, it's all that crosses through Luffy's mind, having completely forgotten about the pastries he brought from Bell-mere's and ending up sitting on the top of the counter with the box carefully placed on his lap, noticing how Law didn't eat any in his absence before taking a donut for himself, a simple one, tasting the sugar covering his tongue while watching as Law cleans the few utensils that they've used, then holding Law's gaze when he turns his face to look at him, ignoring the dirty skillet occupying the sink.

"You want some?" Luffy asks then, taking another donut and offering it to Law, feeling the chocolate melting against his fingertips but barely registering it, his mind instead being too occupied on the way Law kept his eyes locked on his mouth, only noticing how it was covered in sugar when he unconsciously bites into his bottom lip.

"I want you whole," Law says then, and before Luffy has time to register what he said, Law grabs him by his chin and kisses him, hard and deep, tasting the donut from his lips, then from his whole mouth, Law's hand coming up to cover his neck with soap and dripping water onto the box still half full in between them.

And Luffy would let the warmth spread across his chest then, would let his mind drift around what Law just said, would let his hopes go up, if only he didn't feel Law putting away the box to angle himself in between his legs, if only he couldn't feel Law's crotch being pressed against his inner thigh, reminding him over and over again, know your place.

.

.

.

Later that night, Law ends up staying working on the living room until late, ends up not following Luffy to the bed right after dinner once both of their bellies were full despite helping put the mattress where it belongs, ends up keeping a few lights on, preventing the darkness from taking over the whole apartment and Luffy from drifting into a deep sleep, although his mind was too overflowed with thoughts for him to even be able to do so, to do anything more than closing his eyes, knowing full well how energetic and horny Law gets after finishing assignments and barely turning them on time.

And so, instead, Luffy lets himself just lay there, turning and turning on the mattress until he settles with his belly down, pressing his face down against the pillow to try and block some of the light from the living room, wearing only his underwear and one of Law's forgotten hoodies, having to untangle the covers at the end of the bed to cover himself, drifting in and out of conscience and only noticing when Law was done with his work once he hears him stripping out of his clothes a few hours later. Turning his head towards the sound, Luffy barely distinguishes Law in the sudden darkness, barely manages to properly open his eyes with the fogginess of his sleep, but he still senses Law climbing to bed, still hears it creaking as Law moves on top of it, still feels Law's hand softly touching his cheek, thinking he was asleep.

And he lets Law believe it, remaining still and pretending to be asleep just to see what Law would do, just to see how far Law would push it, then quickly remembering how that's not Law when he senses him also getting underneath the covers but not touching him any further, remembering how Law wouldn't dare to do anything if he wasn't fully conscious as he lets his eyes adjust to the darkness, then turning his face to the side when Law touches his face once again, brushing his mouth against the palm of Law's hand.

"Have you finished?" Luffy asks then, running his tongue along the tip of Law's thumb when he feels it pressing against his bottom lip, barely hearing Law mumbling a faint yes over the sound of the bed creaking as he climbs over him, kissing his temple, then his cheek, Luffy letting out a muffled moan when Law's lips make their way to the space underneath his earlobe, slow and sloppily, reaching back and touching Law's dick, finding it fully hard as he was expecting. "I think you deserve a reward," Luffy says, giving Law better access to his neck when Law's teeth sink in the sensitive skin.

"And what would that be?" Law asks, humming close to Luffy's ear, nibbling the skin there in between his teeth, sending a shiver down Luffy's spine.

In response, Luffy arches his back until his ass touches Law's chest, then grinding it against Law's crouch until two strong hands grab him by the hips and push him down against the mattress, his own dick reacting to the sudden friction, a moan escaping from his mouth as he feels Law positioning himself over him, tracing his sides, running his hands down his body and stopping by his hips once again, getting them underneath the hoodie Luffy was wearing, cold fingers against his burning skin.

"I want your hoodie on me," he tells Law, reaching behind and stopping him from trying to get rid of it.

"How unfair," Law complains, low and rough next to his ear.

"You like it," Luffy says without thinking, not expecting Law to actually agree with him, not expecting the moan that follows before Law's weight over him becomes lighter as he stretches to reach the lube on the bedside table, turning on the lamp in the process before pulling down Luffy's underwear, just enough to expose his ass, just enough to fuck him open with skillful fingers, Law always enjoying the tease too much, always liking it as foreplay, always taking his time to stretch him open, despite this time it being different, despite this time having more friction and less lube, although not enough to hurt.

But Luffy lets Law continue anyways, enjoying it way too much to argue, to complain, letting Law take full control while trying to focus on the way Law's long fingers inch inside of him, knowing so well what to do, where to touch to break him apart, him not being able to do anything else other than press his head harder against the pillow just to muffle the sounds from coming out of his mouth, not being able to do anything else other than lift his ass up into Law's touch, thrusting back against Law's fingers until he feels a third stretching him, then groaning when Law's touch disappears altogether.

Luffy doesn't complain when Law rolls him onto his back, doesn't complain when Law takes off his underwear properly, raising his legs before positioning himself in between them, doesn't complain when Law skims along his skin with cold fingers before curling one hand over his cock, spreading the pre-cum over the length and stroking him lazily while bending down to kiss his inner thighs, softly biting the skin there without looking up, then slowly making his way up until he was nibbling at his hip bones.

"Can I?" Law asks then, low, and Luffy can barely even nod in agreement, the excitement building up inside of him, digging his fingers into Law's hair only hard enough to make him look up at him, then just keeping them there as Law makes his way around his cock, slowly, getting impatient, wanting to feel Law's mouth around him, but then remembering how Law's still not used to this, how he's still learning.

And so he waits, closing his eyes and focusing on the sensations instead, on Law's touches, on how Law's kisses make him feel, then seeing how good Law looks in between his legs, watching Law slide his hands underneath his thighs, bringing him up and taking Luffy's cock inside of his mouth, slowly, Law not being able to take most of it in but his lips and his tongue making up for it. And it doesn't take Law too long to find things Luffy likes, him always being good at reading right through him, at understating when Luffy unconsciously jerks his hips slightly, when he tugs on his hair, when the moans escape his mouth.

And it feels good, Luffy realizes then, feels good to know he has Law's whole attention on him, only him, feels good to have a partner that cares so much about him, about his pleasure over his own, and so he brings one hand up, biting into his thumb to keep himself from being too loud, too annoying, but Law reaches out and takes it away almost immediately, reminding him that with him it is okay to make noise, that he enjoys hearing everything. And so that's what he does, letting Law know exactly what he's doing to him, the mess that he's turning him into, guiding him with lost words and incoherent thoughts until he starts feeling the muscles on his abdomen warming up, tightening, until he feels the sudden urge to have Law's mouth claiming his own, to taste himself on Law's lips, to get rid of Law's shirt, desperately wanting to touch more skin, to feel more, wrapping his legs around Law's hips to bring him further down, closer, feeling Law's body trembling like a beast when he slides his hand inside of his sweatpants, pulling them down just enough to free Law's cock, giving it a few strokes before Law stops him altogether, placing his hand over his own with a shaky grip.

"Tell me what you want," Luffy says then, despite knowing full well already, despite being able to see the mess that Law has turned into, his face being all flustered, all sweaty, glowing, his hair being a mess, his eyes looking down at him like he's about to devour him before bending down and burying his face against the crook of Luffy's neck, "Torao."

"You–" it's all that Law manages to say before letting out a loud groan as Luffy runs his thumb along the tip of his cock, him then sinking his teeth into the vein of Luffy's neck in revenge, Luffy barely managing to restrain himself from coming then, Law's mouth being too much, his skin being too hot.

"So fuck me already," Luffy commands, and Law complies almost instantly, turning him around easily and firmly holding his hips in place before sliding his cock in, fully, unceremoniously, Luffy's mouth falling open, muffling a loud moan against the pillow with the intrusion. "Move," Luffy says then, getting impatient when there's no follow-up, his voice getting lost in between his hard breathing when Law rocks his hips while still inside of him.

"I didn't hear you," Law teases, low and close to his ear, pinning him down against the mattress and not letting him move.

"–Please."

And only then does Law do so, giving Luffy what he wants, hurting just the right amount, pounding hard into him and hitting just the right places, until it gets harder and harder to breath with the hoodie on, until the whole apartment gets filled with the sound of skin hitting skin, until Law tightens his grip around his hips enough to let them bruised, Luffy having to try to hold himself together then, gathering enough strength to raise unto his hands and knees to try and thrust back against Law, arching his back and angling his body the way he learned Law likes to see but not managing to stay like that for long, not managing to keep up with the pace, his head falling against the pillow once again as Law continues rocking against him without mercy before slowing down.

Keeping a hand firmly over Luffy's hip, Law slides another underneath him and reaches for his neck, curling his fingers around it and pulling Luffy up until his back was against Law's chest, then keeping it there, not cutting off his air but putting just enough pressure on the vein underneath his jawline to make him feel light-headed, to make his cock feel heavy in between his legs, to make the warmth in his abdomen almost unbearable. Luffy lets his head fall onto Law's shoulder, not being able to do anything else other than holding onto Law's forearm once he starts moving again, not being able to focus his vision on anything when Law sinks his teeth back into the muscle of his neck, all of it being too much, Law's trusts, Law's warmth, Law's hand around his neck, Law's groans against his ear, telling him how pretty he looks like this, how good he feels, how tight, until all of it suddenly stops, until Law pulls out and lets him fall onto the mattress once again, leaving him empty, shaking.

He doesn't fight it when Law turns him around once again, until he's lying on his back, his mind being too blank to even register what's happening, doesn't fight it when Law pushes his hair out of his face, nor does he complain when Law takes off his hoodie, tossing it to the floor without looking away from his torso, then bending down, nibbling at his sensitive nipples, kissing his bruised collarbones, then trailing the scar on his chest with his tongue. "I like you better like this."

"Torao–"

"You're so greedy, aren't you?" Law asks next to his ear, his voice being so rough that it was almost as if Luffy was imagining it.

It's with ease that Law positions himself better in between Luffy's legs, running his fingers along Luffy's thighs before pulling him closer by his hips, taking advantage of his flexibility and giving him a hard kiss before stuffing him again, Luffy letting out a moan against his mouth, loudly, his hands going to Law's shoulders, then to his back, trying to hold on onto something when Law quickens the pace again, digging his nails into the flesh there, Law groaning with the pain but not telling him to stop, instead just kissing him harder, devouring his mouth like he was starving for it.

"Say my name," Law commands then, holding Luffy by his jaw to prevent him from looking away, and so that's what Luffy does, in between moans when Law starts thrusting deep inside of him again, in between kisses, over and over again, until the word starts coming out of his mouth without him even realizing.

The whole apartment gets filled with Luffy's whimpers and the sound of the bedframe hitting the wall, the bed creaking with the movements but all of it being so hot and so dirty that Luffy doesn't care, doesn't care if the neighbors hear, him instead being too focused on restraining himself from coming just yet, being too focused on the hand holding his face and on the thumb that slides in between his lips, on the sounds coming from Law just above him, on his face as he looks down at him, all flushed, all messy, all sweaty, his eyes being focused on him and nothing more.

Luffy's hands fall from Law's back to his arm, holding it there at first, then guiding his hand to his neck once again, Law's fingers curling around it as they know so well how to, squeezing just enough to make him lightheaded, just enough to feel so good, Luffy's mouth falling open and Law taking over it easily, slowing the pace until he was barely moving, but going deep inside of him with each thrust, holding on to him and pinning him down against the mattress, not letting him move, not letting him touch anything, anywhere, until Luffy was begging for Law to touch him, moaning loudly when he finally does so, curling his hand around his cock and stroking in the same rhythm as his thrusts until his body was spasming underneath Law's and he came, hard and hot on Law's hand, all over his own belly, Law thrusting into him through his orgasm and until he was coming too, filling Luffy up, hiding his face onto the crook of Luffy's neck and biting into his shoulder blade, hard enough to leave a mark, then just keeping it there, breathing heavily and letting his body fall onto Luffy's smaller one.

"If only you knew how good you look when you come, wish I could take a picture of your face–" Law says, his voice breathless and rough, muffed against Luffy's shoulder, his hot breath sending shivers down Luffy's spine, "–and then put it on my wall."

"Not fair," Luffy says, trying to move but not managing to do much underneath Law's weight, "I rarely get to see yours."

"Would you put it on your wall?" Law asks, kissing the area beneath Luffy's ear while slowly sliding out of him.

"I would–" Luffy tells him, before he can stop himself, before he can think about what he's saying, before he can think about the implications of his words, "–I would put all of you on my wall."

"Then why haven't you?"

Oh.

"The photos there are my friends. Thought you wouldn't like it."

"Am I not your friend?" Law mutters after a while, leaving his neck and tracing a path down to his chest with his mouth, leaving soft kisses over Luffy's sweaty and scarred skin, Luffy digging his fingers into the mess of Law's hair as he continues further down.

"I remember you saying a couple of times that you were not," he tells Law, sliding his fingers underneath Law's jawline and forcing him to look up just in time to see him rolling his eyes, playfully despite not having the shine they always have whenever he's being sarcastic.

"That was a long time ago."

"So I just needed to have sex with you to become your friend?" Luffy asks then, trying to erase the thought of what would take to date Law in that case, trying to not let the words escape his mouth this time, knowing full well he wouldn't like the response he would get and instead focusing on the sweet sound of Law's laughter against his stomach. "Allied friends. I like that," he says instead, because it's true, because despite never having been in a serious relationship the thought of it still feels strange, odd, still feels like they would blow up whatever they have quite easily if they ever dated, still feels like Law would freak out and start avoiding him right from the start.

And so, he doesn't stop Law from kissing him again, tenderly, slowly, but deeply, and doesn't stop himself from responding in the same way, because everything he was with Law is more than what he could've asked for, because he just needs to fall into reality once and for all, because Law treats him well, and it should be enough, even if Law's mouth feels too overwhelming as it leaves his own to trail a path of kisses along his cheek, then his collarbones, then stopping on his neck, even if the amusement in Law's voice when he says a simple "stinky" still feels like mockery, even if he still has to ignore the voice in his head telling him know your place as Law helps him stand up from the bed, cum running down his inner thighs as he walks towards the bathroom behind Law, noticing how his back is covered in scratches, red and standing over his tanned skin, a few hints of dried blood here and there.

The pile of clothes from the shower he took early that night is still forgotten in the same place on the floor, but Luffy barely pays it any mind, barely even looks at it as he enters inside the bathroom, feeling the cold tiles underneath his feet once more as he stops in front of the mirror and takes a look at himself, at his face, all flustered, at his hair, being a black mess on top of his head, sweaty and gluing to his forehead, then at his neck, at his collarbones, at his shoulder blades, all covered in small bruises and bite marks, the skin being red and irritated from Law's stubble, his eyes then going further down, mapping the purple spots around his hips and his thighs, a few around the low of his stomach.

"We still have some ointment for those," he hears Law say, his voice seeming so far away despite him barely being a few feet away.

"No need," he says, turning around to face Law and seeing him arch an eyebrow, his eyes being shining and looking nothing more than predatory. "I like it when you leave marks," he explains despite having said so a few times by now, because he does, he truly does, because he likes to look at them throughout the days that follow and remember how they were made, because he likes to touch them and feel the soft pain that comes whenever he puts too much pressure over them, because he likes the way Law always looks at him after covering him with marks, just like he's doing from his place, sitting on the rim of the bathtub and barely paying any attention if the water running behind him is already warm enough to use, because he likes the special attention that Law always gives them afterward and until they disappear, before getting replaced by new ones.

"They're going to hurt in the morning."

"So will yours," Luffy says, knowing full well how itchy the marks he leaves with his own nails can be.

Law stands up then, taking two steps in Luffy's direction and holding his face up, until he's looking at him dead in the eye, with an expression that Luffy can't quite read, Luffy's heart hammering against his ribcage, being so loud that he's sure Law can hear him too. "Good," Law says, simply, like it's nothing, and steps away once again, entering the bathtub and motioning for Luffy to do the same, closing the shower curtains as soon as he does so, trapping both of them underneath the warm water springs coming from above.

Law takes his time cleaning him, as he always does after fucking him harder than usual, compensating the roughness with care in a way that Luffy still hasn't gotten used to despite it being a recurrent thing by now, him still getting baffled by it, by the affection, by the tenderness, still having to remind himself over and over again that with Law this is normal, that he won't be kicked out or left alone in bed right after having his ass fucked, still having to familiarize himself with the fact that more than craving the pain and rawness that comes with sex, he also craves this softness and attention afterwards, allowing him to feel more of a human and less of a used rag doll, making him feel safe. And so it's with a tight knot on his throat that he lets Law clean his hair despite him having taken a shower before, lets Law run his fingers over his scalp until his brain gets dizzy with sleepiness, then lets Law wash every inch of his skin until the scent of the soap is covering him completely, massaging his shoulders and over the bones on the back of his neck softly, then putting more pressure all the way down his spine and over his lower back.

"How are you feeling?" he hears Law ask behind him, his voice barely being audible over the sound of the water falling over them.

"I'm all sore, that's how I'm feeling," Luffy responds, simply, letting out a muffled laugh but turning back when Law doesn't say anything else, finding a frown on his face that shouldn't be there. "What is it?"

"Can I ask you an intimate question?" he asks then, and Luffy just nods and waits, watching as Law's eyebrows knit together ever further, pondering his words before letting them out. "How was your first time?"

"My first time having a dick up my ass?"

"Yeah, that," Law says, laughing softly, the tension on his shoulders disappearing. "How was it?"

"I don't remember much, I was really drunk at the time," Luffy says, turning away, but it's a lie. He remembers, remembers way too well.

And part of him wants to tell Law about it, he realizes then, part of him wants to explain how he probably did the worse decision that he could've made that night but still came back for more a few days later, wants to explain how he knew it was a bad idea and still went along with it, wants to explain how at the time the pain he felt was everything he could've asked for, because it was a distraction, because he knew it's source, because it was the consequence of his decisions and his decisions only instead of mere bad luck and destiny, but most importantly, part of him wants to explain how the thought of doing it again has crossed his mind countless times, how he probably would've if only his better judgment didn't tell him not to, if only Nami's numerous lectures didn't play over his mind, over and over again, if only admitting it out loud afterward wasn't embarrassing, if only it didn't make him feel weak and worthless.

Part of him just wants to know how Law would react as well, to know if he would start treating him differently, if he would look at him like the whore he is.

But Luffy ends up not saying anything, and all that Law does is apologize for asking, completely unaware of the turmoil inside of Luffy's head but still sensing the shift in ambiance like he always does, completely unaware of the sudden urge to cry that washes over Luffy's body when his touch never disappears from his skin, Law's hands slowly moving from his back to his chest, running down the scar there, then down his stomach, his fingers burning more than the water ever could.

"If I said I'd like to try it, would you do it?"

Oh.

"I would," Luffy says, turning his head to face Law again, wanting to show him that he means it. "I would also make a mess and cover you in lube though."

Law rolls his eyes then, pinching the bridge of his nose. "As if you don't already do that."

"That's because you always use a lot more than what I actually need."

"I think it's more because you can never stay still," Law says, smiling down at him with that familiar shine on his eyes.

And so, as Luffy lets himself lean his back against Law's chest, his head resting on Law's shoulder, he lets a laugh escape his mouth, for real this time, not because it was particularly funny, but because despite knowing it would be better to push Law away completely, he realizes then how difficult it would be to ever restrain himself from wanting to be closer to him.

.

.

.

Luffy finds it funny, how after all of that Law just vanished once again, for a whole week, not a call, not a text, except to ask for a certain book, forgotten on his dining table until him or Shachi came to pick it up, until the whole pile of them disappeared from his living room, one by one, as did most of Law's clothes from his bedroom as well.

And it hurt more than what he wanted to admit, even though he knew Law was occupied studying, was occupied with all of his complicated exams, even though he told himself that he didn't really mind, told himself that he was not being replaced or forgotten, told himself that Law just had to focus on something other than him for a while and that nothing was wrong, that he didn't push Law away, told himself that soon enough Law would walk around his place shirtless once again, cooking him food and buying him groceries, joining him in his bed and during showers, because deep down he knew that was what was scaring him the most in the whole thing, because he got used to Law in his routine, because he got used to Law always being there, a presence in his workplace, a presence in his apartment, a presence occupying his bed, warm and reassuring.

He got used to all of it, and now all he has are just empty bed sheets.

But he finds that it's okay, that he can do just fine without Law there.

Because it's true.

He can.

It just doesn't mean it's easy, for him nor for Chopper, sitting in front of the door around the time Law would normally arrive if it was any other time, any normal day, just like he did with Ace, looking down at the door with his little ears standing high on his head before slowly starting to get tired, him eventually laying down instead of sitting, his head getting too heavy to be held in the same position and falling on top of his front paws, the whole thing normally not lasting more than an hour, Chopper then giving up and going to meet Luffy wherever he was, on the couch, on the bed, sat on one of the window frames of the living room with one leg hanging out. And all the times Luffy seen it happen, it made him wonder if Chopper also does that with him, if Chopper also waits in the same position around the time he normally gets home from work and gets tired if he takes too long to do so, if Chopper wonders if one day he might not get back at all, and so all the times he made sure to pet Chopper with extra love, to give him extra attention, running his fingers through Chopper's neck where the fur is thicker, then behind his ears until Chopper eventually exposed his belly, begging for it to be scratched as well with his big shiny eyes.

But despite that, Luffy still finds himself occupying his sudden free time by going to the gym more days and by staying there for longer than what he needs to, training with Rayleigh and then some more with Zoro, until even the muscles he didn't know he had start hurting, until all of his body is covered in a thick layer of sweat, until he physically can no longer continue, and only then does he dare to go home, taking his time to do so and leaving once more with Chopper's leash firmly held in his hand, a striking pain rushing up his body with every step that he takes against the pavement but him not minding it one slight bit, because he wants to, because it makes him feel accomplished, because it gets him exhausted to the point of barely feeling the mattress underneath his body before passing out at night, because he can feel his body burning for a whole other reason than anger and frustration, because even if he barely has strength to make coffees the next day, it's still worth it, because it makes him feel human, makes him feel alive. And he also starts going to meet his friends instead of staying at his place, ending up staying with them until late into the night and only leaving when he strictly needs to, having dinner with them, watching movies, playing games, sometimes just sitting around the floor of someone's living room and talking like the good old times while listening to one of Brook's songs, making plans for future trips on Franky's van, for future parties, remembering where they all started and what they've accomplished ever since, remembering all the things that they did together, all the good memories.

And it feels good.

But it doesn't change anything.

Because he still has enough time to get lost within his own thoughts more often than not, within his own mind, still has enough time to find himself feeling lonely, empty, still has enough time to waste staring at the ceiling of his bedroom for hours without an end, feeling a hollow on his chest that even Chopper sleeping on top of him couldn't fill, feeling frustrated by the fact that he's trying to improve but doesn't seem to get past the starting line, feeling his hands shaking whenever he brings them in front of his face to count his fingers, all ten of them, then to count the lines on his palm, the scars on his wrists. And it's weird really, how despite having people surrounding him, how despite having people that he can count on and trust, how despite having people just a call away from him, he still can't help but feel abandoned, can't help but feel utterly miserable, because his eyes burn every time he has to face daylight, because sometimes his neck can barely support the weight of his head, because he sees himself snapping at people but is unable to control his temper, because his emotions go haywire, overwhelming him to the point of making him cry at small little things, not out of pain or sadness, but out of pure frustration, pure rage with himself.

Those days are difficult to get through, and even more difficult to explain and apologize for, because nobody needs to deal with his problems aside from himself, because nobody needs to keep up with them, because he should be mature enough to deal with his own emotions, with his own feelings, because he thought he was doing better, because he thought he was learning how to deal with everything, that he was getting right back on track, because the time that has passed should've been enough for him to deal with his loss, should've been enough for him to learn how to get his head wrapped around other things, should've been enough to at least know how to get around the pain. And yet the feeling of guilt is still there, carved deep within the scar on his chest, and so is the tiny voice in his head, distantly reminding him how he was the one that told Ace to go faster, reminding him how he was the one that caused it all, then reminding him how in the end he got to be the one seeing the sun rising every day.

And it feels unfair, the way the world just keeps going at its own pace, the way everyone around him does the same while he's just stuck in the same place, laying in bed with Chopper on his side when he should be enjoying his day off differently, counting the thin cracks spreading across the white paint of the ceiling until he has to do it again, and again, and again, until the sound of his teeth grinding against each other becomes intolerable, until the beating of his heart becomes too absent, until he feels as if he's floating outside of his body despite feeling every muscle burn and ache whenever he tries to move a limb. And so he grabs his phone from the bed side table and goes through his gallery, scrolling through all the photos that he took over the course of that week and realizing how only a few turned out okay, how the rest ended up being too blurry, his friends' faces looking distorted, too dark to the point of it barely being possible to distinguish anything, let alone anyone, or too bright, the flash of his camera taking away all the life from his friends' eyes and replacing them with headlights, yellowish and shiny, just like the ones of an oncoming car, but despite that he keeps scrolling down, shoving his thoughts deep inside of his head and instead focusing on older photos, focusing on his friends happy faces, on their smiles, then ending up clicking on every single one that has Ace on, feeling his hands starting to tremble but not managing to force himself to stop, seeing his vision getting blurred once he hears Ace laughing on a video and remembers how he will never hear it again in person, wondering how long it would take for him to forget the sound of his brother's laugh altogether, to forget the way his lips curled when he smiled, the way his eyes would wrinkle around the corners, wondering how long it would take for him to get over Ace's absence in his life, how long it would take for him to move on, feeling his heart sinking deep into his chest while doing so.

It's with a tight knot on his throat that he stands up from his bed then, not being able to stop the tears from rushing down his face and barely seeing anything as he tries to head towards the bathroom, Chopper following close behind him and almost making him fall, and it's with disgust that he avoids the mirror as he takes off his clothes, tossing them to the pile that has been accumulating there since the last time Law visited before entering the bathtub and turning on the water, leaning his head forward and letting it wash over his body without waiting for it to get warm, then scrubbing his skin with soap when it finally does so, digging his fingernails into the flesh until he sees himself covered in red marks, until the scar on his chest burns as if it was recent.

It's only then that he leaves the shower, and it's only then that he takes a good look at himself, standing naked in front of his mirror and forming a puddle at his feet but barely even registering it, in fact not feeling anything other than pure repulsion with what he sees, not wanting to associate himself with the person in front of him, not wanting to believe that he looks that weak, that pathetic, all of it being too much for his brain to process, tears forming at the red corners of his eyes all over again until they're falling onto his naked chest.

Cry baby, cry baby, cry baby, the voice in his head reminds him, and suddenly he wants to break the mirror with his bare firsts, crack it into tiny pieces that don't show his reflection anymore.

But he doesn't, because it wouldn't change anything, because it wouldn't erase his appearance from his memory, because at the end of the day that's what he has turned into, that's what he has become, a shadow of the person that he once was, a carcass, and so it's without thinking twice that he calls Lucci instead, it's without thinking about the consequences that he tells him his address once he picks up, because it's easier that way, because it's easier to be angry than to be sad, because it's easier to feel pain than to feel nothing at all, him not bothering with putting on proper clothes, not bothering with trying to make up for his appearance either, because he knows Lucci won't care, because he knows Lucci won't make questions, and in fact the only thing that he ends up doing in the meantime is to close the bathroom door while Chopper is still inside, his barks and the sound of him scratching on the wooden door soon getting mixed with the loud ring of the doorbell, echoing through his apartment and all the way down his spine.

His brain doesn't register Lucci getting in his apartment, doesn't register him getting too close, cornering him against the dining room table, almost as if his whole system is on auto-pilot, almost as if he's drugged and out of it, and in fact he only comes back to his senses when one of Lucci's hands curl around his neck, the sensation being unpleasant, the memories painful, the thumb pressing his chin up making him look directly at Lucci's empty gaze, and yet it's with ease that Lucci manhandles him against the table, it's without resistance that Luffy lets him do so, it's without complaining that he lets his head be shoved against the cold wood, letting his whole body be exposed and humiliated while feeling Lucci's hard crotch rub against his bare back, because this is what he wanted, because this is what he called Lucci for. And so he lets Lucci do as he pleases, lets Lucci run his hands along his naked body, lets Lucci take all the time he wants without daring to look at his face, without daring to register the words leaving his mouth, insulting and degrading him in a way that only Lucci knows how to, without daring to move away despite feeling his skin crawling under Lucci's touch, despite feeling his throat tightening, making it hard to breathe, hard to swallow, despite seeing his vision getting once gain blurry with the tears forming on the corners of his eyes before he shuts them close.

But it's alright, he realizes then, all of it, because at least now he has a reason for all of it, because at least now he can feel his heart beating inside his ribcage, because at least now he can feel that it is still there, because at least now he knows he's alive and not trapped inside one of his dreams, because at least now all the pain that he's feeling matches his sorrow.

It's alright, he tells himself, over and over again.

It is.

Until he hears Law's cactus crashing against the floor. Until he looks down and sees the broken pieces of the pot mixed with the dark dirt.

And something drops inside of him then, the sudden realization of what he's doing, a sudden wave of panic rushing through his body as he hears the sound of Lucci's belt being open.

"Wait- I changed my mind," Luffy says then, his voice cracking, barely being audible, the words barely leaving his trembling lips. "Stop-" he tries again, trying to get away, but Lucci just responds by strengthening the grip around the back of his neck, pressing his face harder against the table, suffocating him, making his mind get dizzy too fast.

And so Luffy kicks him in his stomach with all the strength that he can gather, making him stumble away just enough to be able to roll off the table and fall onto the floor, his legs giving in the first time he tries to get up, his whole body then starting to shake, so hard that he can barely even stand.

"Oh, getting aggressive are we now," he hears Lucci say behind him, seeing his face getting filled with pure rage when he looks in his direction, "uh, pretty doll."

"I'm not your doll," Luffy tells him, taking a few tentative steps back when he sees Lucci's eyebrows furrowing down.

"But you sure enjoy being used and tossed aside like one," Lucci says, simply, his deep voice echoing through his apartment, him then approaching at a speed that Luffy's knees can't keep up, until he's once again cornered, his back hitting the kitchen counter. "But you're right, you're my slut. My pretty little slut."

Know your place, the voice in his head tells him then, but he ignores it and grabs a knife, long and sharp, pointing it at Lucci and only then seeing him stop, even if just momentarily, even if his mouth then breaks into a smile, dangerous and predatory.

"What are you going to do with that? Stab me?" Lucci says, moving closer until he's standing tall in front of him, grabbing the knife from Luffy's hand easily, effortlessly. "Much better," he laughs, an ugly laugh, low and close to his ear, "you were always so rebellious, but I've tamed you well, haven't I? My little slut."

Luffy feels his cheeks getting wet with tears as Lucci touches his hair, then his pained neck, his body not being able to do anything other than tremble, him not being able to do anything other than close his eyes when one of Lucci's hands falls to his shoulder, putting pressure on it, because he knows what that means, way too well, because he knows what he is meant to do. And it's with repulse that he realizes how he would've dropped to his knees, how he would've taken Lucci's dick in between his lips without complaining, how he would've let him fuck his mouth without resisting, if only he couldn't hear Chopper's barks still coming from the bathroom, loud and frantic, bringing him back to reality.

And so he looks up instead. "I'm not your slut."

But Lucci only laughs at him. "Yes, you are," he says, shoving his hands in between Luffy's legs and humming in amusement when Luffy lets out a gasp, "especially when you're so hard."

"Stop –" Luffy tries again, but his voice sounds weak even to his own ears, broken by moans that he doesn't manage to suppress, by his breathing coming out unevenly.

"You already know how much I enjoy you begging me to stop, so why do you keep insisting? Uh, my little slut," Lucci says, stroking Luffy's cheek with his free hand, his touch disgusting him but his body still reacting to it.

"I'm not –"

"Oh, but you are. You'll always be my slut, whether you want it or not. After all –" Lucci says, laughing close to his face, his hot breath hitting his skin like flames, "I broke you on purpose. Because I could, and because you wanted me to, isn't that right?"

And so Luffy tries to shove him away again, tries to reach for the knife next to him, but his face is met with hard knuckles that send him to the floor before he can do anything, his mind barely being able to register the tears flooding out of his eyes and onto the wood underneath him, barely being able to register the blood rushing through his veins, pumping loudly on his ears.

"You're more useless than what I remembered," he hears Lucci say above him, not flinching when he spits on his face before leaving, not trying to avoid it, and instead he just dares to move once Lucci is out of his apartment, him then forcing himself up to go and lock his front door, his fingers shaking, his hands barely having enough strength to turn the key.

And he just stands there afterwards, staring at his closed door like it will protect him from anything now that the harm is done, feeling trapped inside of a bubble while hearing Chopper's frantic barks in the distance and not knowing what to do, only realizing how he wasn't breathing when he has to take in a big and shaky breath. It's only then that he notices the metallic taste on his tongue, it's only then that he brings his hands up to check his face and sees them getting covered in blood, thick and vivid, pumping out of his nose, entering his mouth, going down his chin and onto the scar on his chest, now also sliding down his palms, down his wrists, then onto the floor, him not being able to stop it, nor being able to look away from it, to focus on something else, to remember how to breathe.

He feels the panic growing inside of him first, overtaking him easily as his vision narrows, like he's in a tunnel, then a wave of fear as his brain shuts down, getting overfilled with flashes of the accident, disjointed, incoherent and repetitive, letting him frozen in place until his knees give out and he falls onto the floor, the sweat running down his face getting mixed with all the blood. He tries to breathe then, but it's hard, almost like there isn't enough oxygen in the apartment for him to be able to do so, the scent of smoke filling his nostrils instead, the smell of burnt rubber, of burnt skin, until he suddenly doesn't know where he is anymore, until all he can do is scream in pain despite no sound coming out of his mouth, until his lungs stop being able to handle it all and he throws up, right there on the floor beneath him.

He tries to get away from it then, tries to drag his body away from the door, tries to regain some sort of dignity, but he finds that he can't, that he's too tired, too exhausted, and instead all he manages to do is let his body collapse onto the floor next to the pile of puke, is to try and curl himself into a ball and wait for it to pass but barely being able to move his own body, almost as if it isn't his anymore despite feeling his heart hammering inside of his ribcage, so fast that it scares him, that it makes him feel like he's having a heart attack, that he makes him feel like he's going to die, the scar on his chest itching, burning, not letting him breathe, all of it being so hard to try to handle that he just gives up trying to fight it completly, not having enough strength, not having enough energy, wishing desperately for Law to be there, to help him, to feel his presence, to hear his voice calling his name softly and telling that everything is okay now.

But Law never comes, because why would he really, how would he know, and so Luffy relents on staying there, on being nothing more than a corpse, just being able to move his eyes and to cry, just like that day, seeing Ace right in front of him but not being able to reach out to him, not being able to call his name, not being able to do anything other than watching his lifeless eyes staring back at him, not being able to do anything other than watch his face get covered in blood, hiding all of his precious freckles, not being able to do anything other than close his eyes and lose consciousness until he wakes up again in a dark apartment, with liquid falling onto his face, noticing how it was blood falling from Ace's body once he looks up and sees him hanging on the ceiling, his body contorted and burning, his mouth being open but no word leaving his lips, all that came out instead being the sound of a truck's horn.

And only then does he wake up for real, trembling with cold and hearing the horn ringing loudly on his ears as he tries to sit up, feeling dizzy and nauseous but still forcing himself onto his feet, his muscles complaining and hurting with every step that he takes. He opens the bathroom door and barely registers Chopper there, barely feels his paws trying to hold on onto his legs, scratching against his skin, and instead drops himself in front of the toilet, throwing up again, this time just bile and water, grabbing the toilet seat as if he was holding on for dear life, then just staying there with his forehead resting on his arms, not having enough strength to straighten his neck for a long while, not even caring about the cold tiles underneath him, until at some point he had to, raising up and going to wash his face. He once again doesn't recognize his own reflection once he sees it, once again wants to break the mirror into pieces, wants to feel the shattered glass against his knuckles, but he doesn't do anything, doesn't even raise his arm to do so, because he chose that, and now he has to deal with the consequences. And so instead he takes his time looking at himself, looking at his skin covered in dried blood, at his swollen and red eyes with the tears, at his purple lips with the cold, at Lucci's hand marked around his neck, not looking as bad as it could be, and only then does he leave the bathroom, waiting to make it worse, needing to.

Walking past the dried puddle of vomit, past all the red spots of blood along the wood, past the dirt and the broken pieces of Law's cactus, he decides to ignore the way the you're my favorite little prick is no longer recognizable, decides he'll deal with it later, and instead he reaches for the knife that he tried to use against Lucci, grabbing it from the floor and not being able to tell his body to stop once he feels the cold blade touching the skin of his thigh, not being able to tell his body to stop when he sinks it through the skin, not being able to tell his body to stop once he sees he blood pumping out, feeling it warm while running down his leg, him in fact only coming to his senses when Chopper's bites him, then when he barks loudly at him, making the tears return to his eyes, making the shame cover him once again like a veil, making him realize what he has done, how much worse he made things.

Heading towards the bathroom again, he searches for his medkit and sits inside of the bathtub, Chopper following him and watching closely as he fights to stop the bleeding, his throat clenching as he tries to remember all the things that Law had taught him, his fingers getting cold and shaky as he tries to bandage his leg like he has seen Law do to his wrists, feeling the anxiety building up inside of him when the blood keeps dripping out through the fabric, even as he makes layer after layer of it, until eventually it stops and he laughs, looking at Chopper and only noticing how tired of all of it his small friend looks. He lets himself stay there, turning on the water and letting it fall over him once it gets hot, watching as it gets mixed with all the blood and vomit covering him before going down the drain, feeling his body warming up while watching his hands, counting his shaky fingers, counting the lines on his palms, counting his veins and his scars on his wrists, then looking at the soaked bandages and realizing how he could do worse, so much worse, if only Chopper wasn't there for him, if his right arm would've moved deeper, if only his brain didn't tell him for the first time stop.

As so he laughs again, out loud and in between sobs despite not having any tears left to flood out of his eyes and down his face.

.

.

.

He finds it weird, how easily the next couple of days go by, how easily he gets away with work by calling in sick, telling Nami that he caught a cold by falling asleep naked with his window open and only receiving a small lecture in return, then a comment on how funny his voice sounds with a stuffy nose. Finds it weird, how it almost seems like nothing had happened, how all of it just feels like a bad dream, and he would've believed it, if it wasn't for the new marks on his body that he needs to take care of, if it wasn't for the soreness on his muscles, for the pain, for the exhaustion, if it wasn't for the all cleaning that he had to do in order to try to erase every trace of Lucci from his apartment, if it wasn't for the way his presence is still heavy despite that, if it wasn't for the way Chopper is now always right next to him, wherever he goes, but no longer follows him into the bathroom, if it wasn't for the way he tried to glue Law's plant pot together but barely even managed to save the cactus, now looking distorted in a jar with all the dirt that fell out.

But still, despite all that, everything just feels normal.

So, when one night Law calls him to invite him to celebrate his last exam, he accepts, without thinking much of it, telling himself that he's safe to go, that he's fine, because the bruise around his neck faded away quite easily with the ointment that Law bought him a while back, it now barely standing out on his skin, because the cut on his leg was surprisingly easy to deal with, not hurting as much as the wrists' ones did and being hidden enough for him to not have to look at it all the time, but most importantly because he missed Law, because he wanted to see him, because he wanted to have a reason to leave his house, to leave Chopper.

And he only realized how much of a bad idea all of it was when he got there later that night and found Law and his friends drinking at Shakky's, not because he knew the bar and the owner, not because he knew a few people there as well, not because the place was loud and stank of cigarettes, but because the moment Law laid eyes on him he felt nothing more than dirty, because the moment Law touched him he felt his skin crawl.

But he tried to brush it off, tried to shove the thoughts into the back of his head, tried to focus on the way Law's shirt was unbuttoned at the top, on the way he was showing chest tattoo as well as the ones on his arms, tried to focus on all the shots that he was offered, drinking them all until he didn't need to focus on anything anymore, until he stopped flinching everytime Law touched him, everytime he put his hand on his thigh and just left it there, possessively, until he stopped feeling his skin burning through the fabric of his shorts, until all of it stopped bothering him, the way Law kept talking close next to his ear, the way he kept leaning against him, the way he kept putting an arm around his shoulder, until he stopped needing to go to the bathroom just to look at himself and get his shit together, until he stopped needing to go outside and catch fresh air, until all he needed to worry about was to not be shoved on the dance floor, was to try and match the rhythm of the music despite failing miserably, was to try and have fun, to forget all the people surrounding him, to forget all that he has done, all of his bad decisions.

Yet, he still accepts Law's hand before heading to the counter again, accepts the drink he pays for him, accepts the toast, accepts all of it, despite it feeling wrong, despite it making him feel dirty, despite the only thing that his mind does as he looks up at Law is to wonder what he would do if he discovered he called Lucci, is to wonder if he still would look at him the same way, if he would still smile at him or just pretend, if he would still touch him so casually, on his arms, on his face, on his lower back. And it pains him, to realize then how in a way he's betraying the man in front of him, not by lying but by not being completely honest, and it pains him even more to not be able to fully respond when Law bends down to kiss him, the fingers curling around his jawline hurting more than what they should, Law's hands being warm against his skin instead of cold, burning, him then remembering where they were, surrounded by people and Law's friends, then trying to remember Law of it as well.

"Let them see, don't care," he simply says, growling against his mouth, then biting his bottom lip, "I want them all to know."

And there it is, Luffy thinks as he lets Law kiss him again, the possessiveness, making him feel trapped, making his throat clench, making it hard to swallow his guilt, making him feel like a toy just waiting to be tossed around and then left abandoned in his silent apartment, making just him stand there afterwards, confused, watching as Law goes to smoke another cigarette, watching as he can't even walk in a straight line towards the front door before disappearing, Luffy then following and finding him leaning against a graffitied concrete pillar, barely standing on his feet but smirking at him when Luffy gets close enough for him to notice.

It doesn't take long for Shachi and Penguin to find them, doesn't take them long to also start smoking, until there's a cloud surrounding them, the smell of smoke gluing to Luffy's clothes despite him having stepped away, doesn't take them long to start talking among themselves, about subjects that he wouldn't understand even if he was sober, about people that he doesn't know, each time closing their little circle a little further, each time forgetting about his existence a little bit more. That is, until Shachi suggests taking Law to his apartment when he tries to walk back inside the bar and nearly falls after losing the support from the pillar, Law then looking in his direction and grabbing his forearm despite having to be held by both of his friends, not letting go when Shachi tries to tell him that it's time to leave, his eyes being locked with Luffy's.

"I wanna go home with you," it's all Law says then, smiling with drunkness on his eyes and sending it like a punch to Luffy's gut.

And so they catch a taxi under Shachi's attentive frown, like it's nothing, like it's not a big deal, both of them sitting in the backseat, Law half laying on top of him despite having plenty of space on his side, not even bothering with putting on his seatbelt and instead just letting his head fall onto Luffy's shoulder like dead weight, him then asking Luffy for puns, just like the old times, the words dragging on his tongue, his voice barely being audible but his hot breath hitting the sensitive skin on Luffy's neck like knives. But even so, he complies, asking what a classy fish is called and answering sofishticated before Law can even think of a reply, asking why the banana went to the doctor and answering that it was because it wasn't peeling well, then asking what one would call a pig that does karate and answering pork chop, all the while trying to ignore the voice in his head blasting the words Know your place. Know your place. Know your place, over and over again, trying to control the tears from forming on the corners of his eyes, trying to get his voice out without it cracking.

And he can't help but feel ridiculous while doing so, because so much time has passed, so many things have happened, and yet there they are, Luffy pretending to be alright, pretending not to have bruises around his neck, pretending to be enjoying and having a good time, and there is Law as well, barely keeping himself together, being warm against him, asking for puns and laughing despite them being terrible, and it's weird how everything feels just like the first night he went out with Law and his friends, it now seeming so far into the past, how everything feels the fucking same, except this time, Luffy has to help Law get up the stair to his apartment despite not being able to walk properly himself, has to watch Law throwing up as soon as they get in, patting him on his back while flushing the toilet more times than what was necessary, then putting the toilet seat down and making Law sit there to brush his teeth for him. He tries to ignore the way Law looks at him the whole time, intently, craving holes on his skull, his eyes being shiny under the bathroom light but his pupils dark with alcohol, tries to ignore the way Law holds him by his waist as well, the way Law keeps his arms loosely wrapped around his hips before he makes him stand up and head towards the bedroom, Law being a lot lighter than what he seems but his height making it difficult to carry him.

Luffy helps him get out of his clothes then, makes him sit on the bed to make it easier, makes him raise his arms to pull his shirt up and off, not responding when Law makes a joke about how much he likes when he does that and instead focusing on getting rid off his shoes and jeans, then dresses him with what has become his pajamas despite not having been used for almost two weeks now. And it's only when the process is over that Law grabs him by his waist again, bringing him closer when Luffy complains that he also has to get changed and digging his face into his chest, then his neck, breathing deeply while Luffy tries his best not to jerk away unconsciously, not to flinch, him instead running his fingers through Law's hair, turning his face away but still smelling all the cigarettes that he had through the night, all the smoke.

"I love you," he hears Law mumble against underneath his earlobe, then hears him sigh heavily before he feels the hot air against his skin, all of it feeling like a stab on his heart.

"Lets go to sleep," it's all that Luffy manages to say in response, barely being able to get any word through his clenched throat, feeling relieved when Law doesn't complain, when he doesn't comment or ask for a different answer, but also utterly devastated when he instead just looks up with a smile curling at the corners of his mouth, being too drunk to even register the words he just let out of his mouth.

And Luffy would be lying, if he said the thought of leaving didn't cross his mind then, the thought of just walking through his front door and not come back, but instead he stands still by the end of the bed, like a statue, watching as Law lays down without needing help, watching as he gets himself comfortable in the middle of the mattress and barely lets any space for him to fit in. It's with a blurry vision that he gets rid of his own clothes then, throwing them to the corner before adding Law's into the pile, being careful to turn away for Law not to notice the cut on his leg despite hearing him snoring softly behind him, putting on lose pajamas before joining Law underneath the covers despite knowing how he won't manage to fall asleep for the rest of the night, his brain being too occupied processing everything, the drunkness eventually disappearing and being replaced with both the loud sound of the voice inside of his head and the overwhelming beat of his heart.

And Law's words should make him happy, Luffy realizes then, should make him excited, but all he feels is guilt, is remorse, is pure shame, on his actions and on himself, for not telling Law about Lucci, for lying to him, for not trusting him enough, for not feeling worthy enough, for not feeling like he deserves him at all, feeling the tears running down onto the pillow as the bruises around his neck start hurting more than what they did the day Lucci marked him, feeling his heart sinking inside of his ribcage as he wraps his arms around Law anyway, not wanting to let go, not wanting to lose him, ending up staying like that until the sunlight starts creeping out through the windows, until he hears Law's phone buzzing loudly from its place in between the pile of clothes, him then standing up.

He manages to turn off all of Law's alarms without much trouble, noticing how he named every single one of them, get up, go read, up, up, UP, noticing how they were separated by only five minutes, almost as if he was trying to make his phone convince him to study, then noticing how he didn't ask how his exams went as he puts the phone on the bedside table, how he didn't ask if he managed to attend all of them, even the ones he considered giving up a long time ago. And so, it's with a bad taste on his tongue that he changes his pants and grabs Chopper's leash, it's with a heavy consciousness that he takes one last look at Law before getting out of his apartment, trying to save the mess of limbs and dark hair on his memory one last time, the way his legs were tangled with the sheets, barely being covered, deciding then not to leave his hat behind and instead placing it firmly on top of his head.

He lets Chopper take all the time he needs once he's out, lets the cold morning breeze hit his face without trying to fight it, lets his feet drag his body around the neighborhood as the city around him starts to wake up, his brain still being too overflowed with thoughts to even notice everyone passing by him, Law's drunk words still playing on his mind over and over again. He ponders about heading towards the clearing then, pounders about staying there the whole day, ponders about turning off his phone and let himself be swallowed by nature, but he changes his mind before he even takes a step forward, realizing how he will never be able to go there again without associating it with Law, despite only having taken him there once.

You're not my slut, Law had said back then, and he can't help but wish it was true, can't help but wish his body didn't feel as dirty as it did, can't help but wish he didn't call Lucci, can't help but wish he didn't feel humiliated, that he didn't feel regret about all of it, because his alliance with Law was the best thing that he could've asked for, and yet he fucking ruined it.

And so, it's with soreness that he starts making his way back, it's with a pit on his stomach that he sees his building from afar and realizes how much of a foreign thought it is to call his apartment home now, the idea gluing to his brain and only leaving when he sees Law searching for food in the upper cabinets of his kitchen, only leaving when he's met with a good morning kiss to his forehead, is mind then going completely blank.

"Where were you?" Law asks, his voice low and rough, contrasting with the soft mess of black hair on top of his head, contrasting with the small but real smile that he gives him right after.

"I needed to think," it's all that Luffy tells him, and he's sure his face shows it all, the pain, the guilt, despite it being obvious that Law doesn't remember anything, that he isn't even aware of what he said.

"Want to talk about it?" Law asks, remaining close when Luffy just shakes his head, looking down at him with a tired expression but curiosity in his eyes, analyzing him, his face, his silence, his posture then tensing as his eyebrows furrow in the middle. "Is it about the bruises around your neck? Hope you didn't forget about my rule as you forgot about yours."

Know your place, his mind tells him one last time, because he knows what Law is implying, knows what the twitch on his expression means, and so does he know what's going through Law's head as he sees his jaw clenching. And yet, he finds that he can't bother with correcting him, can't bother telling him the truth, that he and Lucci hadn't hooked up like he's thinking, not exactly, can't bother explaining what led to all of it, because in a way it's easier like this.

And it's shattering really, to think that on the first time Law saw the bruises around his neck, it now seeming so long ago, he just wanted to make sure he was alright, just wanted to make sure that it wasn't too serious, that they were healing, but now the expression on Law's face tells him something different, tells him that he wants to know what happened, that he wants to know when, how, why, looking down at him with pain in his eyes.

"I want you to leave," Luffy tells him then, looking him dead in the eye, seeing the shock covering Law's face.

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong."

And there it was, Luffy realizes then, Law's breaking point. And so he snaps, telling him "you're not my fucking therapist."

"Then maybe you should find one already," Law bites back, for the first time in what feels like ages. "Fuck. Sorry, I didn't-" Law closes his eyes, bringing one hand up to put pressure around his temples, breathing out heavily before continuing, "- I didn't mean to say that."

And Luffy knows he didn't, he really does, but he also knows he's right, also knows it's better this way, pushing Law's hands away when he tries to reach out. "I can't do this anymore, Law."

"You're right," Luffy hears him say then, expecting to see disgust and anger in Law's eyes as he looks up at him but instead only seeing pain, angriness, and coldness."I can't do this anymore either. Not with you."

He barely registers Law stepping away then, barely registers him grabbing all of his things and leaving, barely registers the air getting sucked out of his lungs, suffocating him in his own misery.

---

I AM SO SORRY.

Come cry with me on twitter or tumblr - nutter_ya / defenestrated-nutter. Or yell at me.

Remember that sometimes your best is not enough, and that's okay. Your mental health is more important than most of the deadlines that you might have.

I hope you all have a fantastic 2022, please stay safe, stay supperrr.

PS. thank you Nikole, for your pun ideas from way back then.