We were in a meeting at the War Table, as had become customary in the recent days. The siege of the Adamant Fortress was approaching and there was still a lot to prepare. I knew I had to put all my concentration into our strategy, but my mind could not help but wander. After what had happened with Solas's spirit friend on the Exalted Plains, I hadn't heard from him again. It had been a couple of weeks. I knew I would need time alone to mourn in peace, but I couldn't help but worry. I shook those thoughts away. Solas could take care of himself, and I had a fortress to lay siege to. We were still considering alternatives when one of Leliana's sentries entered.
"Lady Nightingale, there is news," he said, tense.
"Can't it wait? We're in the middle of something important," Leliana replied.
"Uh, my lady, it's urgent. It's about the Inquisitor" She said, without lifting her eyes from the floor, extending a parchment.
That got my attention. Leliana took the parchment and read it quickly. Her face paled and she looked at me with fear-filled eyes.
"Leave us. And bring Master Thetras. Now," she said to the sentry, who shot out of the room.
"I'm afraid we'll have to discuss something else. We have a more pressing problem on our hands. And we need to make a decision quickly." She said to the War Council, as she stretched the parchment across the table.
"My spies were right about the Duke of Wycome. It seems his pro-elven stance was more talk than practice. A curious plague is causing trouble in the city. Some rumours say that Clan Lavellan brought the plague unwittingly, and other less flattering rumours say that it is a curse from the Keeper with the intention of taking over the city. While there is no proof of anything, people are desperate. Rumour has it that a group of "soldiers" intend to take up arms and "eliminate" the reason for the plague. And apparently the Duke has shown no sign of being aware of this, but neither does he seem to be taking any action to prevent it. These rebel soldiers seem to be the solution to their problems. You will be able to ease the distress of the populace and wipe out the pesky Dalishan clan in the vicinity without having to deal with the Inquisition."
I felt a terrible knot in my stomach, a sickening nausea. I felt the bile rise in my throat and almost vomited on the spot.
"No. That can't happen. I have to go right now. I won't let this happen. Not again." I was about to leave when Josephine interrupted me and stopped me by grabbing my wrist.
"Inquisitor, I'm deeply sorry about this situation, but I'm afraid that's not possible, you can't leave. It could take weeks to get to the north of the Free Marches, even months from here. We don't have that kind of time. The Grey Guards are still gathering tropes on Adamant, by that time you come back, it could be too late. I understand it's important to you, but I should consider the situation..."
I slammed the table down hard, before she could finish the sentence.
"Josephine, don't you dare finish what you were going to say. Important to me? This is my family, not a bad diplomatic decision. As far as I'm concerned Corypheus can create another Breach at the Skyhold gate, if it means I can keep my clan safe. I don't care what I have to do, but I must stop this from happening." I spat at her full of rage. Leliana walked over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. While the gesture was meant to calm me down, I had to use all my self-control not to shock her.
"Inquisitor, I understand your position and you are absolutely right. We cannot let this happen. Your clan holds a very important position among the clans of the Free Marches. The efforts of Keeper Deshanna and your sister Ada in her position as First of the Clan have been essential." She said in a conciliatory tone. "If we let anything happen to them, we will lose the support of other clans. Alliances with the dalish on the other side of the Sea of Awakening have been essential to gaining information about the area and a safe haven for our spies. We have every reason to intervene." Leliana interjected, still holding the news in her other hand. I nodded against her approval.
"Thank you Leliana." I replied quickly before turning to Cullen.
"Commander, send someone to prepare horses and supplies for the journey," I ordered. I didn't want to waste another moment. But Leliana hadn't finished speaking.
"However, Josie is also right. This mission is too important. The Grey Wardens are a real and imminent threat. If Corypheus succeeds getting control of the demon army, no place will be safe, not even the Free Marches. If the battle in Adamant fails, the Lavellan clan will not be safe either." She added with conviction. I knew she was right, but there was no chance I would accept it.
"Then what do you expect me to do, Leliana? Let my clan die, knowing I could have prevented it? That's no choice!" I shouted back. "What happened to your concern for elves now, or do you only keep it to yourself when they are your friends?" At the mention of Hero of Ferelden, Leliana's face fell. I knew it was an unfair thing to say. But, Mythal may forsake me, because I didn't care in the slightest.
Just then an agitated Varric enters, who seemed to pick up on the tension of the discussion. He approached slowly with his hands out in the open.
"Calm down Riddle. I'm here to help you." He kept a couple of steps away from me, and turned to Leliana. "Nightingale, I was told you needed my help. Do you need me to contact Daisy? She's not on the best terms with the Dalish, but if anyone can find them, she can." He said looking at Leliana.
"Varric, we need you to travel to the Free Marches now. On the way you must contact all the people who can help you. If they are elves, all the better. We are against time and we need to save the Lavellan clan before it is too late." Leliana looked at me, gauging my reaction to her proposal. "Inquisitor, I ask you to consider this alternative. Varric has contacts in the Free Marches, and his departure will draw far less attention than your disappearance for weeks. I beg you, it is the best alternative." She explained.
I felt myself burning with rage. Little electric sparks jumped between my fingers. I was trapped between my duties. Finally, I sighed in despair and managed to master the voltage in my fingers. I looked Varric in the eyes.
"Varric, promise me you will bring them here safely. You have to make sure you won't let them get hurt." I meant it to sound like an order, but it ended up coming out more like a plea.
Varric nodded and reached out for his crossbow. "Bianca and I will do everything in our power. I will write to Daisy. She'll be able to get there before me, warn them and strengthen their defenses. She's an old friend." He turned quickly to Cullen. "Curly, I'll take a couple of your soldiers and leave within the hour. I'll send a raven when we're on the shores of the Awakening' Sea." Cullen nodded silently and Varric left the room.
I rested my palms on the table. My body felt frail and my legs trembled. Between the news and the rush of my magic, I felt exhausted. Josephine slowly approached my side and rested a loving hand on my shoulder.
"Inquisitor, would you like to rest for a moment? Perhaps you could have a drink before we continue..." I knew it was a genuine show of affection. During all this time in the Inquisition, the ambassador had shown me nothing but respect and consideration. Both towards me, my culture and my race. But at this moment, not even her friendship could appease me.
"No, Josie, I don't want a drink. How can you expect me to concentrate with what just happened?" I ran my hands through my hair, trying to shake off the growing sense of overwhelm. "I spent all this time trying to protect my clan from a fucking hole in the sky, when in truth the real danger is the shemlem."
Silence reigned in the room.
I saw the faces of every human in the room react to what I said and I couldn't take it anymore.
"The meeting is over. We will continue tomorrow." I left the room and ran to my room.
Night was falling on Skyhold and I was still on the balcony of my room looking at the snow-covered mountains. But my mind was a million miles away, across the sea.
Oh creators, please keep them safe. I couldn't bear this again...
I heard footsteps approaching. I hadn't seen anyone since I left the War Table hours ago. Dorian had knocked on my door a couple of hours ago, but I threw a dagger through the wood. He very assertively interpreted that I wished to be alone.
I understood that Leliana and the others were right, but I had no desire to see them. Besides, I knew I had been unfair to them and felt slightly guilty. As shemlem as they were, it was thanks to the Inquisition that there was still some hope for my clan. I hadn't even said thank you to Leliana for having agents looking out for my clan's safety. The real culprit was the Duke of Wycome, and I would make sure he paid the consequences.
I headed into the room to tell Leliana, Josie or Cassandra that I had no desire to talk and to leave. I assumed Cullen wouldn't dare come into my room at night. The remnants of his Templar decorum were not yet erased.
But the surprise of finding Solas standing in my room left me speechless. I blinked several times before I was sure it was real.
"Solas." I said still not believing my eyes. His whereabouts had totally disappeared from my mind for the past few hours. "You're here." Apparently my ability to say clever things had also decided to disappear.
"Inquisitor." He replied accompanied by a nod of his head.
"How are you? I mean about..." I didn't know how to ask. While I knew what dueling was, I wasn't familiar with spirit dueling.
"It hurts, as death always does. But I'll be better." His expression told me of his grief, but also that he had experienced the death of his friends in the past.
"Thank you for coming back." I said genuinely. "I wasn't sure you would." I feared that resentment would make him leave the Inquisition. While we had an unfinished conversation about us, I didn't count that as enough motivation to bring him back.
"You were a true friend, you did everything you could to help. I could hardly abandon you now." Now. That word did not escape my attention. But I didn't have the capacity to venture down that path at the time. "I also wanted to apologise for my actions. I'm sorry you had to see me lose control like that." I scrunched up my face in confusion. I didn't know what he was referring to.
"I'm referring to the... reprisals I took against those mages." He clarified.
Ah. Right. After seeing his friend disappear, Solas had turned those mages to ash. While that action surprised me because Solas usually avoided violence if possible, it was not an act I could judge.
"You didn't do it out of malice, Solas. They were irresponsible and they abused their power. You wanted to avenge your friend's death." I said quietly. "You have nothing to apologise for." Especially to me.
Solas was silent. For a while, all that could be heard was the crackling of wood burning in the fireplace.
"Where did you go?" I asked, trying to change the subject. Solas hadn't mentioned having a family or a home to go to. But Solas rarely shared any information about himself, so I wouldn't have been surprised if he had.
"To a quiet place where I could sleep. I visited the places where Wisdom and I used to share. They are empty now, but I could still feel glimpses of his energy. Something new could emerge." He replied.
"What happens when a spirit dies?" I asked curiously. I realised I had never questioned it before. I had seen several throughout my dreams in my life, but I always thought of them as ethereal and immortal.
"It is not the same as for mortals. Spirit energy returns to the Veil. If that spirit's will was powerful or if its actions are remembered by other spirits, it could be re-formed." He explained.
"Are you saying your friend could return?" I doubted that hope could be true, but I considered myself ignorant on the subject.
"No, it is not very likely. Naturally, the existence of spirits is quiet and peaceful. Few feel the need to intervene in reality. Something might eventually re-form in its place, but not with the same personality. It is unlikely that it would remember me. And it would not be the spirit I befriended." He didn't say more, but I could tell he didn't want to talk about it any further either.
"Next time you have to mourn, you don't have to do it alone." I commented, filling the silence.
"It's been a long time since I could trust anyone." He said back.
"I know." Actually, I didn't know, but I could sense it from the things he had said to me in the past. For some reason he couldn't share yet, it wasn't easy for Solas to trust people. I understood the feeling.
"I'll work on it. And thank you. This may have seemed strange to you, but what you did was very valuable. It meant a lot to me. You mean a lot to me." He said, reaching out his arm towards me, to touch my cheek.
At another time, I knew those words would have sent a pleasant tingle through my stomach, as would do feeling his touch. We rarely exchanged genuine gestures of closeness or affection. But after the initial surprise of seeing him, anguish for my clan came back to occupy my mind. I stood silently staring at the wall, while his warm hand warmed my face. His thumb caressed my cheekbone, following the lines of my vallaslin.
"I heard the news." He said softly, after what seemed like long minutes.
"Oh." Once again, I didn't know what to say. Apparently my eloquence had decided to escape out the window once more.
"Master Thethras has abundant contacts and resources in the Free Marches. He is the right person to carry out the mission." I listened to his words and on some level I knew they were spoken with the intention of calming me down. A part inside me appreciated it, and treasured his concern for me and my clan, considering his complex relationship with the Dalish. But another part of me thought there was only one thing that could really comfort me.
I reached out and took his hand. Mine was cold after all the time outside. His felt warm, and I could feel a couple of hardnesses, probably caused by the movements of wielding his staff. I laced his fingers with mine and took a step closer, inches from his lips.
"Da'len..." He started to say, but I interrupted him before he could make any excuse. I was scared. No, I was terrified. My family was in danger and there was nothing I could do. I had to rely on other people to keep them safe, and I didn't know if there was anything I was worse at. I just wanted to shut myself away from other feelings until I was certain that my clan was okay. If it was wrong to use Solas for that purpose, then let the Dread Wolf take me.
Solas seemed surprised by my kiss, but he responded gently. He held his lips to mine, chaste and gentle. But that was not enough. I let go of his hand and cupped his face. I pressed my lips harder against his. I needed to lose myself in him, but he wasn't helping. I bite his lower lip and slip my tongue over it, trying to get his mouth open. His hands reached my waist and grabbed my body closer to his. I let go a moan when his left hand went for my bump as his right ghosted over my underboob.
I broke the kiss and took his hand again. I guided him towards the bed, but he withdrew his hand and stayed in place. I felt ridiculous, hurt and desperate.
"I will not take advantage of you in this state, Da'len." He said softly, as he crossed his arms behind his back.
Idiot. The only one who wants to take advantage here is me, I wanted to yell at him. But I saw him turn and head for the stairs.
"No." I interjected. "Please stay." I begged. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pressure you. That was what I was supposed to say, but the words got caught in my throat. He stayed in place, but didn't turn to me.
"Nothing has to happen." It was all I could say as he seemed to consider what to do. Solas seemed conflicted, apparently assessing the risks of staying. Somewhere deep inside me, I relished that I might represent a temptation to him. At least I wasn't the only one affected by the other's presence.
"Perhaps it would be better if I let you rest. It's late and the time for siege is near..." Solas commented, looking for excuses to leave.
"No, anything but sleep." I interrupted him quickly. My answer seemed to confuse him. His gaze asked me to explain.
"I can't sleep in this state. As I have already told you, my training about the Fade is simple, to say at least. When I am upset, angry or sad, I am easy prey for the creatures of the Fade. I have never been able to defend myself." I mumbled under my breath. I was ashamed that I was terrified of something that should be children's play to him. His confusion remained on his face.
"But then, what have you done in the past in similar situations?" he asked curiously.
"Not many situations can stir me up like this." I answered honestly. "Generally, I usually meditate until I can calm down enough to make sleeping feel safe, but apparently on this occasion it's not as effective." I held up my hand that carried the Mark. "Besides, with this thing, like you said, it's like throwing a flare at them. So sleep is not an alternative."
Solas pondered a few minutes in silence and proceeded to my desk chair. He sat down, trying to make himself comfortable. With a gesture he indicated for me to lie down on the bed.
"Will you stay?" I said as I climbed onto the bed and lay down looking up at him. He nodded without saying anything. "You don't have to sleep in that chair, we can share the bed. I promise to behave myself." I offered. I would say I did not use a hint of coquetry, but that would be a lie.
"From here I can sleep and make sure your dreams are free of inconvenience." Was all he replied. Truth be told, I was pretty sure he could monitor my dreams from his room, but I wasn't going to give him the chance to leave. I lay in bed without closing my eyes, still afraid to sleep.
"Da'len, you can sleep. Just think about where you want to go and you'll be safe." He said calmly and reassuringly from his chair.
I don't know if it was a product of exhaustion or if maybe Solas used something to make me sleep again, but I couldn't even answer him. In a matter of seconds, I was hidden in the trees of the northern forests of the Free Marches, where my clan used to camp. Although I could not see or hear them in my dream, I knew they were close by. I moved quietly through the trees, careful not to frighten the creatures I intended to hunt. In the distance, I heard wolves howling.