In the midst of the final preparations, the raven I had been waiting for weeks finally arrived. Varric and my clan were about to arrive. At dawn the next day I would be able to see them, after a long time. I thought I was prepared to see the state in which they arrived, but actually, I was not. In my heart, they would be safe, secure and happy. They would come, kids running and laughing. Dirty, tired, confused, but in good shape. They would arrive with the aravels guided by hallas.
My heart shrank as I saw them cross the threshold of Skyhold. The Lavellan clan numbered two dozen elves, all wounded. I couldn't believe my eyes. As soon as he saw me, Varric came running up. I could not look him in the eye.
"You promised me, Varric. You told me you would bring them to safety." I told him harshly. I felt a terrible pressure in my chest, my knees were shaking.
"I did everything I could Riddle. Daisy got there before me and saved as many as she could. It was a surprise attack, in the middle of the night. Without the Inquisition's warning, they would have all died. You saved them." He said softly, stretching out his hands to me.
I slapped his embrace away.
"This was my clan! My family! How am I supposed to save Thedas if I can't even save my family?" I looked back at the survivors. There were barely 3 children. What had happened to everyone else?
"The clan was full of children..." I couldn't finish whatever it was I was planning to say. I dropped to the ground. I hadn't felt this weak in years. Each sob broke my chest a little more, I couldn't breathe.
Suddenly I felt arms around me. "Let go of me! Get away from me. I want to be alone..."
"Ha, good luck with that Didi. There's no way you're leaving my side for a while." Said a voice I knew all too well.
No, it couldn't be. I opened my eyes, blinking until the tears let me see.
"Oh, please, did you really think a couple of shemlem could take me? You know I'm tougher than that." Ada said as she stroked my hair.
"Ada, no... I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... It's all my fault, if I had been there... We should have gotten there sooner..." I stammered through my tears.
"Shh, don't say anything, you know it's not true. There were too many Didi, armed to the teeth. It was all planned, they didn't mean to leave any survivors. If you had been there, you would have died just like all of us, and the elves of the world would have lost something far more important." She said as she snuggled me into her arms. "The only thing you are responsible for is saving us. Now stop crying, you're horrible when you cry." He laughed as he took my hands to help me to my feet.
"You look awful when you cry! You turn redder than a blood'lotus!" I shouted back, in a sort of terrible crying laugh.
"Shh, yes, whatever you say Didi. Now, let's go to your room. We're both tired and we're going to sleep together." She said as she took my hand and guided me towards the central stairs.
"No, you must rest. The journey must have been horrible. I have to help the clan, there is mu-"I said, resisting his grip.
"Nonsense. Your nice dwarf friend can surely take care of everything, and if not, surely there are people who can do that for you, you are the inquisitor, aren't you?" She continued her my way without letting go of my hand.
"You know what we're going to do? We're going to go to your room, we're going to change into something comfortable and I'm going to help you braid that mess on your head. What happened to you, Didi? Does saving Thedas take time away from even combing your hair? You used to have the most beautiful braids." She said as she touched my hair, tangled and dirty.
"I haven't had much time for that sort of thing lately." I whispered, slightly embarrassed. Between the worry of the last few days, I hadn't even thought about something like my hair. I was counting on Josie and Leliana's work to make me look presentable for the dance.
"Well, that's all over now that your big sister is here. We're both going to take a bath, change into something comfortable, and fix our hair. You can cry while we do that if you want, and I'll be there to comfort you, okay?" She said as she stroked my face. "Do you remember when that antivan elf broke my heart, can you recall how I cried?" She said as she dragged me down the central hall.
"Zevran? That bastard... He made you believe he would bond with you! You cried all night the day he left." I said, my voice still shaking, rubbing away the tears that had momentarily stopped falling down my face.
"Exactly. And when that happened, you stayed by my side all night. You stood by me and comforted me, even though I'd been an idiot and there was nothing to do. Now it's my turn to do it. She said, as she looked at me tenderly.
Without even noticing it, I started crying again. I still felt the stone in my chest, but Ada's company made it lighter with every word.
"I missed you so much, Ada."
"And I missed you, Didi."
After the events of Adamant, the arrival of my clan and my subsequent decision to place the Grey Wardens in the service of the Inquisition, in conjunction with planning for the ball, I found myself busy all the time. I barely had time to check on my clan members, I had to suspend several of the training sessions I had with Solas, as well as some of etiquette imposed by Vivien.
One afternoon, I was looking for Dorian to coordinate some matters regarding his attendance at the ball, and found him in the inner courtyard playing chess with the Commander. Cullen was watching the board intently, while Dorian leaned back relaxedly in his chair.
"I hope they're playing fair." I commented as I approached his board.
"I always play fair." Dorian replied, though the Commander didn't look too convinced. "You should accept your imminent defeat, Cullen. It will make everything easier in the end."
"Really? Because I just won, and I feel perfectly fine." He said with a smile that must have looked very appealing to the shelem got up with his best wounded expression and left us. "Don't let it go to your head, you'll lose all your charm."
The commander turned to me with a slight bow of his head.
"I should get on with my duties, unless your excellency is interested in a game." He offered as he indicated the chair with a gesture.
I knew I should refuse, I had no time for that. But how long had it been since he had played a game of chess? I could try to make it quick. Besides, after the fireball incident the Commander had been rather tense in my presence. It might be a good opportunity to smooth things over.
"Only if you stop calling me Excellency, Inquisitor, Herald, and anything else like that. Dirthda would be ideal, but if that's too impossible, I could accept Lavellan." I said as I took a seat across from him. "Prepare the board, Commander."
I saw a slight movement at the corner of his lips. The commander seemed to be both amused and surprised by my acceptance of his invitation. The game led to a pleasant conversation about his life, his family and his youth, which, like mine, had been deeply affected by the Ruin. While my first impression of the Commander had been quite affected by his Templar past, I couldn't help but admit that his work was essential to the Inquisition. I was a little surprised that after all those months in such close proximity I knew so little about him. I didn't expect conversation with him to be so easy and comfortable. I surprised myself by extending the game with a couple of moves.
"This may be the longest amount of time we've gone without talking about the Inquisition, or related topics. To be honest, I appreciate the distraction." He commented with surprise.
"Well Commander, no one can't be serious all the time. Oh well, maybe you can." I replied as I took his bishop. My joke and my playfulness earned me a hearty laugh. The sound of his laughter comforted me curiously and I lifted my eyes from the board to his face. I could not deny his attractiveness. While I was not usually attracted to shemlem as a rule, I might be willing to be an exception. The commander caught me as I examined his face, and I smiled to see him blush. It was funny how such a grown man could be so shy about that sort of thing. I wondered if he was like that all the way through...
"If you appreciate it so much, maybe we should spend more time together, Commander." I commented without much thought.
"I would like that very much." He said with a soft smile. "Though if I'm going to call you Lavellan, I'd appreciate it then if you'd call me Cullen." He added, just before taking his eyes back to the board.
"Looks to me like the game is mine." I said, knocking down his king. That seemed to take him by surprise and his eyes widened.
"Well played, you shall have to have a rematch, then" He said honestly. "Lavellan." He added, his cheeks getting slightly red.
"Looks like it, Cullen." I said as I stood up. "We'll see if we have any time after Halamshiral." I couldn't help but bat my eyelashes and flutter my hair. Maybe I was playing with him a little, but I knew it was just innocent playfulness and I couldn't help it.
The red in his cheeks became more pronounced and he averted his gaze to the ground.
"That is, of course, in case you don't prefer the company of someone else." He added quietly, taking me by surprise. "For a moment I had the impression that you and Solas..." He started to say, but didn't continue. His eyes had left the board and were looking behind me.
"Me and Solas what?" I insisted when I saw that he didn't finish his sentence.
His gaze caught my attention, and I turned to see what distracted him. His eyes looked past my back and I turned to see Solas watching us in the distance, as he picked a couple of flowers from the vegetable garden. He showed no sign of looking in our direction, but the stiffness of his back and the speed with which he left the yard, so different from his usual calm and tempo, made me suspicious. I said goodbye to Cullen, promising him another game, and headed for Solas' studio.
Solas was still distant with me, partly because of our argument over my decision about the Grey Wardens, and I suspected that he was also making use of the space and time I had promised him after our meeting in the Veil. There was no bad blood, but after the night I found out about my clan situation, I had kept my distance respectfully. Or at least that was my intent.
Apart from the weekly magic lesson, and a few dance rehearsals organised by Josie, we had barely seen each other. I stopped in front of the door, not quite sure what I intended to say or do. I gently opened the door, as I did when I passed by for no particular reason. Solas stood there, silent and impassive, putting the flowers in the mortar, preparing colours for his murals. He barely raised his eyes when I crossed the threshold.
"Inquisitor." He said politely. Not Dirthda, not Da'len. Only my title.
"Solas." I replied. His expression was calm and revealed nothing out of place. His eyes remained fixed on his mortar. I swallowed saliva thinking what to say, what was wrong with me? My nerves were ridiculous. Solas and I were nothing, and I owed him no explanation. Solas probably didn't even give it a thought...
"I'm glad to see that the Inquisitor has found time again to resume her displays of affection towards members of the Inquisition." Said he, out of nowhere.
"Excuse me?" That comment caught me off guard.
"It seems to me a very relevant concern for a leader. Maintaining close relationships with the most strategic members of your organisation is key to any institution. Since you're a pretty competent fighter, the other aspects can wait." He said without stopping swinging his mortar.
"Solas, what are you trying to imply?" I felt the rage rising inside me. "If you have something to say, say so."
"There's nothing to be implied. It is always appropriate for the leader of an institution to maintain a close attitude with her subordinates. It helps to maintain close ties to strengthen the chain of command quite efficiently. And for someone with your charms, it must present no difficulty." His insolence dressed up as flattery was the straw that broke the camel's back.
"Solas, put down that mortar right now and look at me when you speak to me." I said in an authoritative manner.
Solas stopped his hands and slowly put the mortar down on the table. The calmness with which he did this might have seemed habitual in his movements, but now it was accompanied by arrogance and insolence. My blood boiled when he raised his eyebrows to urge me to continue.
"So, let me get this straight, you insist that seeing each other is a bad idea, ask me for space and then get angry that I'm having fun with someone else?"
"Inquisitor…"
"So now you have not only questioned my decisions, now you even think you have a saying about who can get my attention, while yourself has rejected every time I have offered it to you. Is this another custom we Dalish got wrong? Because I don't follow you." I asked wryly. Solas' eyes seemed to show something like regret.
"Da'len..."
"Oh, am I da'len now? Not so fast habren, the dalish girl might get lost." I spat at him.
His features changed to concern, as if he suddenly realised how his words offended me.
"Da'len, I didn't mean to..." He started to say softly, but I stopped him.
"No, I don't give a shit what your intention was. That's not how it works. You don't have the right to decide who I spend my time with, who I have fun with, and I assure you, you have no say in who I sleep with. So I'd appreciate it if we could resume my lessons when you've got your head a little clearer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have things to do."
"Dirthda." He said softly as I turned around. I hated myself for stopping to listen to what he had to say.
"My words were poor and thoughtless. I assure you they do not represent what I think of you as a leader." He paused slightly. "They only demonstrate the consequences of my indecision. They only proved what a fool I can be, and even if I say I keep my distance to not hurt you, I can still find ways to do it."
I don't know if he expected any response from me, but I left the room without looking back. I had things to do, and I had no time for this. I had no satisfaction left on me, only confusion.
I didn't realise how much the events during the Inquisition had affected me until I had Ada by my side again. I had a hard time sleeping, and several times I had to wake up in the night as I was plagued by nightmares of giant spiders trying to devour my companions, my family or myself. As the ball was approaching, undertaking long missions was out of the question, so I had to pass the days between council meetings and lessons in dancing, etiquette and politics that would allow for success at the ball. But now with Ada here everything was easier. While she too had many responsibilities to the remaining members of the clan, the evenings were always our time to get together. Together we were able to mourn the members who had not made it to Skyhold, and I promised her that I would take revenge as soon as possible. We wept bitterly for nights, lamenting that we could not even have given the fallen a decent burial. We consoled each other, though our pains were different. Ada had lost her lifelong clan and Guardian Deshanna, who had practically been her mother since her parents died escaping the Ruin. Along with the pain of the fallen, she also faced the pressure of having the entire clan at her command. I carried in my chest the weight of not having been able to prevent the death of my clan.
But that night was not about mourning, but about complicity. Ada asked me every night about my daily tasks, eager for reports and every episode of every adventure. Though she never told me, I knew a part of her envied me for my travels. Even before the Inquisition, I had travelled far more than she ever could. The Lavellan clan was nomadic, but always kept to small towns and rural areas. Ada had a curious nature, but her sense of duty bound her to the clan in a way that she knew she would never be free to roam the world. She accepted it with a quiet resignation, but relished every story or detail I could provide.
"So, what's with the bald flat-ears?" she said one night, as we prepared for bed. Josie had prepared a room for Ada, we were still sleeping together quite often.
I let out a laugh. "You mean Solas? He may be arrogant, but he knows what he's doing. He didn't come across the best clans in the past, so now he has a bit of an allergy to hallas. But don't worry, he knows how to behave." I evaded the real target of her questions. Even though Solas had apologised for his words to me, we weren't in the best terms.
"Yes, it seems so. He offered to heal the wounded when we arrived, and was quite diplomatic, even when he asked me if I knew any healing spells." She shrugged. "I told him we were fine, and when I told him it was nice to see another similar face, I sensed something odd in his face," she said.
"Yeah, sometimes it can be a bit like that. It's nothing personal." I continued evasively. She remained silent as I wiped my face in front of the small mirror Josie had provided for my room.
"Come on Didi, it's me. You know you can tell me." I remained silent.
"There's nothing to say." I lied without the slightest effort.
"Is that so? Because Varric spent the whole trip telling the most curious stories..." He commented.
Oh, creators. "Stupid dwarf" I sighed. Ada kept her eyes fixed on me.
Oh, let Fen'harel take me. If I couldn't be honest with her, who could I be honest with?
"What do you want to know?" I asked as I frowned.
"Tell me what happened." She said curiously.
"Nothing." I said as I ran my hands through my hair. She raised his eyebrows in disbelief.
"Hey, there used to be a hole in the sky. And now I have a darkspawn who thinks he's a god. It hasn't been the most romantic scenario."
"That's never been a problem for you before." She said with a small laugh. Ada was silent as she watched me comb my hair. I knew she wanted to know more, but she never insisted. Even with so many secrets between us, she always knew how to make me feel comfortable to talk.
"It's complicated. We've had several arguments this past while, differences of opinion. It's like an up and down." I said finally. "He told me he needed time, that there were 'considerations'." I made the gesture with my fingers. "I don't quite understand what that means, but I'm waiting." This time it was Ada who was silent.
"You've never waited for anyone before." She commented after a few moments.
"It's never been necessary." I said as I put down the mirror. "I never wanted to wait for anyone before." I blew out the candles that lit the room with a soft gesture and entered the bed.
"So what are you waiting for?" Ada asked as she crawled under the covers. It was my turn to sighed then.
"You know me Ada. I'm always the one who says goodbye. But, when I'm with him..." I started to say, but I was at a loss for words. I hadn't felt like this before. "When I look into his eyes, I feel like not even the sky's the limit. He knows so much Ada, he's so full of knowledge, of wisdom. You have no idea of all the things he has taught me. It really is… I don't know. It's silly. This kind of situation has never been a problem before, when I am in front of him, I just feel so…helpless." I paused for a moment, and Ada wait for me to continue.
"I don't know, maybe Solas is the kind of person who could break my heart."
"For that, you'd have to give it to him first." Ada said as she finally settled between the pillows and closed her eyes.
"Yeah, you're right."
A week later, Ada and I said goodbye. The date of the ball was approaching, and we had to leave soon to be on time. We promised that we would both be in better spirits when I returned, and that we would see if we could celebrate the beginning of spring properly.
And then, once again, as I had done countless times in the past, I said goodbye to my sister, knowing that a bloody duty awaited me.