Hey guys! It has been...A while. I've been going through a lot of life stuff, which some of you are aware of, but I'm hoping to get things back on track this year. I'm planning to update this story every couple of weeks until it's done, and then I will look at one of my other multichapter fics to complete. Sending lots and lots of love to all you who have been so supportive and sending me messages and who are still here with me x

Clary woke up before Jace the next morning, which had to be one of the first times that had happened. They had slept together naked last night, but he hadn't tried to initiate anything, which she had appreciated more than she would ever be able to say. It wasn't that she thought he wouldn't listen if she said no, but it was the fact that he knew her better than to think that anything was going to happen. She found a pair of underwear on the pile on her chair but didn't bother putting anything else on as she walked into her kitchen. She started the coffee maker and then sat down on the arm of her couch and stared out the window beside the TV. The weather was definitely getting colder, the last couple of times that they had gone out in the weekends she had to go with thicker dresses, but she still hadn't worn woolen tights or taken a thick jacket, which she'd ended up regretting. Right now, she was glad for the old heat pump that was installed just above her door, turned on at a low heat which generally meant that the apartment was warm enough for her to be comfortable without being hot enough to drive her bill through the roof.

She could feel the cold now, given her state of undress, she had goosebumps up and down her arms and across her thighs, but it wasn't unbearable.

When the coffee maker clicked off, she went back into the kitchen and poured herself a cup. As she turned to walk back into the lounge, Jace was getting out of bed. He half-dressed and then pulled the duvet off the bed and wrapped it around his shoulders. They sort of met in the middle, and he ushered her onto the couch, shifting the blanket so that it was around both of them, cuddling her in close to him, her back pressed half against his chest and more against his shoulder. He rubbed a hand up and down her back, fingers tentatively playing over her skin, which relaxed her, the fact he knew to take it slow. As she became more comfortable, his hands stroked down her back smoothly, and it lulled her into a pleasant state.

They were quiet for a long time, Jace not saying anything as she finished her coffee. Once she was done and had put her empty cup down on the table, he turned her body around gently, so that she was facing him.

"Who was he? The man last night?" Jace asked her. His golden eyes were calm, but there was anger there, she could see it, and she could feel it in the tension of his fingers. Clary stared at him for a long time before letting out a shaky breath. She looked down at her arms, which were loaded up with the bracelets and bands that she had slept in. She was used to sleeping in them now, most of the time she slept with them on even when she was by herself because it was just second nature now. Curling her fingers around the elastic bands around one wrist, she began tugging them off. Then she loosened the fabric ones and pulled them off as well before starting on her other wrist. When her arms were completely bare, she rested them both, scarred skin upward, on his knee. Even though he had seen the scars before, it had been in dim lighting and they hadn't been completely exposed like they were now, and she heard his sharp intake of breath. "Shit, Clary..." his eyes hardened as he curled his hands around her wrists. "Did he—was he the reason—"

"He wishes he was that important," Clary snorted derisively, her lips curling in disgust. Jace loosened his fingers a little, not wanting to hold her scarred wrists too tightly, especially when they were moving into such uncertain territory, even though it was clear that they had physically healed many years ago. He rubbed his thumbs gently over the inside of her hands before taking in a deep breath. "Although...I guess he was a part of it."

"Was he the guy you were talking about the other night? When we were at the diner?" He asked. Clary chewed down on her lower lip for a moment and then pulled her hands free of him. She shuffled back a little on the couch to lift up her legs so that her knees were pressed to her chest and she wrapped her arms around them in a protective motion.

"Yes," she jerked her head in a single nod before resting her chin on one knee. "He was." She didn't continue for a long time, but Jace didn't push her. She took in a deep breath through her nose, met his eyes for a split second before she moved them so that they were fixed at a spot on the floor to her right. "I told you that some shit happened when I was a teenager and I ended up in a bad spot," she rolled her eyes, as though at her comment. "I know, woe is me and all that shit," her tone was self-deprecating and Jace hated that but he didn't say anything because he wanted her to take his time. "So...You knew that there was something going on a while back, right? When I kind of...Shut everyone out for a bit?"

"Yeah," Jace responded quietly.

"It was the anniversary of my brothers' death," Clary said. She didn't trip over the words and they lacked emotion, but Jace could imagine that she had had a lot of practice saying those words. "We were close—he was my best friend." There was still no emotion in her voice, but from the way she was staring so hard at the ground it was like she was trying to burn a hole through it, he was guessing that she was forcing herself to hold it together. "He was three years older than me, and I know that in some families, siblings don't always get on all that well, but we always did. He looked out for me and he was always there for me and he...He meant everything to me," her lower lip quivered and she stopped to take a breath. Jace wanted to pull her back against his body, hug her close, but he settled for resting a hand on her foot, his fingers gently rubbing over her ankle. "Simon was like a brother to us as well—I met him in daycare and our mums are friends. Jonathan met Magnus at school, they were in the same year. Magnus had a thing for Jonathan and just hit on him relentlessly," she let out a snort.

"Really?" Jace half smiled at her, encouraging her to go on.

"Yeah," Clary green eyes came back to him, and they looked a little happier than they had before. "Jonathan wasn't into guys, at least not that he ever told me, but either way, he wasn't interested in Magnus. He ended up shutting Mags down one day and it actually got through his thick skull, and they ended up being friends and that was when he introduced Magnus to me and Simon." Clary's eyes slid away from him once again and she took in a deep breath. "The four of us were close, and Jonathan was always the—like, the center, you know? We all sort of just revolved around him?" She made a face and tipped her head to the side. "That makes it sound like he demanded all the attention, but it wasn't like that, you know?" She looked at him again, as though it was important that he understood what she was meaning, and Jace nodded gently. "We just all loved him and he loved all of us, and he just had this personality that drew everyone in and we all just kind of gravitated toward him."

"I get that," Jace murmured, gripping her ankle lightly. "Like Magnus," he offered and Clary nodded.

"Yeah, like Magnus," she agreed. "That was why they were so good together, you know?" Jace nodded. She took in a deep breath and her eyes returned to that spot on the ground. "When I was sixteen and Jon was nineteen...He was killed in a car accident." She swallowed hard. "The other guy was a drunk driver—walked away with only a couple of scratches—but Jon was killed instantly. The police kept saying that was a good thing, but..." her voice shook as she breathed in sharply. "I mean, it could have been worse, but it didn't exactly make anything better." She fell quiet again. Jace rubbed his hand up and down her calf, comforting her. "I ended up in a bad place after that. I had severe depression and anxiety and I just couldn't get out of my head. Mum and Luke had me in therapy and sometimes it felt as though I was getting there, like maybe this fog that was in my head was lifting, but something always just...Sucked me back in."

"And Sebastian was a part of that?" Jace asked with a tilt of his head.

"Sebastian was actually one of the good things in my life, I thought," Clary curled her upper lip in disgust and her voice hardened. "I was back at school full time after taking a couple of months off, and I was either in bed at home or at school thinking about being in bed or at Simon's place, in his bed." Jace raised an eyebrow involuntarily. "Not like that," she muttered. "I just needed to be close to people I loved, kind of to know they were safe, and he's family." Jace nodded understandingly. "Sebastian year older than me and he was..." she let out a self-deprecating snort. "It's stupid, but there's nothing special about how we got together. I was upset and obviously not looking out on life in the right way. He paid attention to me and I was stupid and not listening to people around me when they said that he was bad news. I was a fucking idiot who fell in love with a guy who I'm pretty sure has never loved anyone."

"Don't say that about yourself," Jace murmured but Clary just rolled her eyes.

"It's true, though," she muttered. "I was nearly eighteen and I was still a total mess, didn't have my shit together at all. I practically clung to Sebastian like he was a lifeline, ignoring everyone else in my life. I think it was because he had nothing to do with Jonathan, he was completely separate from that part of my life, and he didn't treat me like I was going to break, like my family did, and that was a big part of the reason that I was attracted to him. But he..." she narrowed her eyes and her teeth clicked together. "I didn't understand that he was also isolating me from my family and my friends. I didn't get that he wasn't helping me, he was just controlling me. I didn't get that all of that shit was happening because I was just so stupidly attached to him. He cheated on me, over and over again, and he somehow convinced me that I was better off with him and I was too broken for anyone else to love. I was on all sorts of medication and I was just taking more and more of it to stop feeling upset every time he found a new way to hurt me because I didn't want him to see me so weak." Jace's teeth were gritted together and the fury was shining in his eyes again. "It just...It got to be so much. It was on Jon's second anniversary when I realized how fucked up I was, how I had pushed everyone away and I had let myself sink into this—this self-pitying hole...It's the opposite of what Jon would have wanted for me. I..." she broke off again. "I took a bunch of pills and I did this—" she roughly held out her wrists. "And then I passed out. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital room."

Jace didn't know what to say.

He had guessed some of the story, but hearing her say it, it made his heart feel heavy.

"I'm okay now," Clary told him with a heavy breath. "I haven't been on any pills for a while and I make sure I don't cut off my friends and family...I still go and see a therapist every couple of months just to check in..." she licked her lips slowly and then met his eyes. She didn't look happy but she didn't look sad either. Just...Accepting. "I'm in a good place, but that doesn't stop me from having bad days."

"Everyone has the right to having bad days," Jace told her before shuffling a little closer. Clary stared up at him for a long moment, before letting him fold her closer, hugging her body tight against his.

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