Hermione: *reading the Daily Prophet* He Who Must Be Named has returned to the Wizarding World, after an extended absence following a failed attempt to kill an infant. The Dark Lord was discovered trying to break into the Ministry of Magic, a feat that a group of teenagers succeeded in only minutes before. Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge has denied any knowledge of these occurrences, despite photographic evidence to the contrary, and has refused to leave his office for comment.
Harry: Doesn't surprise me in the slightest.
Ron: You should be happy Harry. Now everyone believes you about Him being back. Isn't that just great?
Harry: Ron, Wizard Hitler is back from hiding, and my godfather is stuck in the past and not coming back. Nothing about this is great.
Neville: How are you holding up, by the way?
Harry: You know, I should feel something. Anger, sadness, even a bit of smugness that I was right. But honestly, I feel…nothing.
Neville: That can't be good.
Ginny: I can help with that *starts making horse trotting noise*
Umbridge: *sleeping in another bed, suddenly bolt awake* WHAT THE FUCK?!
Ginny: Never gets old.
Hermione: Ginny, after what she went through with the centaurs…
Ginny: She didn't go through anything with the centaurs.
Harry: But…we saw her get dragged away for them to do…
Ginny: Yeah, apparently they considered her so ugly that none of them could get it up, so they let her go.
Luna: Then why's she here?
Ginny: She went into shock when she got back to the castle and found out Peeves sold all her cat pictures as NFTs.
Harry: Wait, he sold all her cat pictures?
Ginny: No, just pictures of her cat pictures. But she has no idea what an NFT is, so she assumes they're all gone.
Harry: …that should make me feel better. It should. But it doesn't.
Ginny: Would it help if I caused some kind of horrible atrocity against someone?
Harry: I dunno. Maybe it'll make me feel something…
Ginny: Well, I'm going to…
Harry: But then again, maybe not. I need to go *leaves*
Ginny: Wow, even threatening a genocide didn't cheer him up. He really is depressed about everything.
*in the Entrance Hall*
Harry: Why does everything have to suck so much? Not even being able to say 'I told you so' to the whole wizarding community is cheering me up.
Draco: YOU!
Harry: And the shit train just pulled into the station. What do you want?
Draco: You got my father thrown in prison, that's what.
Harry: …and?
Draco: I'm gonna kick your ass for that.
Harry: So, your father, of his own free will, chose to break into a government building, to steal something to aid the uprising of Wizard Hitler, assaulted a bunch of teenagers, and you think he DOESN'T deserve to be in prison?
Draco: Stop trying to make him look bad.
Harry: I was trying?
Draco: Crabbe, Goyle, let's get him.
Crabbe: Gah.
Goyle: Duh.
Harry: You think you scare me? I've faced your dad's boss, and survived. Three times now. You're nothing Malfoy, and you never will be.
Draco: *pulling out wand* Avada Keda…
McGonagall: Mutare ferret *Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle all become ferrets*
Harry: Huh, I thought that was a banned spell.
McGonagall: Under normal circumstances, yes. However, Umbridge changed a rule to allow it, and I convinced Dumbledore to leave it in power until I get to have fun with it.
Harry: So, let me guess, ferret tennis?
McGonagall: Are you up for a game?
Harry: Nah, I'm not done moping yet.
McGonagall: I should probably do something about that. I don't know what, but I should do something.
*at Hagrid's*
Hagrid: 'ello 'arry. Great tah see ya. 'ey, thanks for takin' care o' Grwap while I was gone, that was a real 'elp.
Harry: What do you mean? You were gone a day. We only visited him because we needed to distract Umbridge.
Hagrid: I was bein' sarcastic. You let 'im get away from where I chained him. Do ya know 'ow many centaurs it took to lure 'im back?
Harry: We had nothing to do with that, he escaped on his own.
Hagrid: No excuses. Anyway, what brings ya 'ere?
Harry: Honestly, I have no idea at this point. I think it has something to do with the fact that the only parental figure I respect is stuck in the past forever.
Hagrid: Eh, it's probably what he would have wanted.
Harry: Really?
Hagrid: I don' fuckin' know.
*a few days later*
Ron: Come on Harry, the end of year feast is going to begin soon.
Harry: I'll be there soon, I just need to finish packing.
Dean: Dude, we have, like, eighteen hours before we have to leave. You've got plenty of time to do that later.
Seamus: I think he needs some alone time.
Harry: …wow, I didn't expect you of all people to understa…
Seamus: He's been waiting to rub one out *leaves with the others*
Harry: Never mind then *goes through his trunk and finds a wrapped package* Huh? What the hell? *unwraps it to find a mirror and a note*
Note: Dear Harry, if you ever need to talk to me, just look into the mirror and say my name. Especially since Umbridge is going to be monitoring every other way you can talk to someone. Love, Sirius.
Harry: Well, there's no way this'll actually work across time, if he even has the mirror to begin with *starts to leave, then picks the mirror up* Sirius? *nothing happens* Sirius Black *still nothing happens. Harry wipes away a tear* Thought so.
*heading down to the Great Hall*
Harry: How am I going to be able to talk to Sirius again? It's not like there's a way for a wizard to become immortal after their death…
Nick: Why hello Harry.
Harry: Quiet, I'm trying to thi… *has an idea* Why didn't I think of this before?
Nick: Why didn't you think of what before?
Harry: Nick, can you tell me what happens after you die?
Nick: Little bit insensitive to ask that, don't you think?
Harry: Look, I just had the most powerful wizard in the world try to kill me, and I lost the closest thing to a father I'll ever know. Sensitivity isn't exactly high on my priority list right now. So, spill it buddy.
Nick: Buddy? We've hardly spoken in the last two years.
Harry: Come on man, tell me something.
Nick: …no *leaves*
Harry: Jerk *sees Luna wandering around the castle* Oh, hey, how's it going?
Luna: You wanna talk about it, don't you?
Harry: Weird way to start a conversation, but sure.
Luna: Well Harry, what you need to do is this: stop it.
Harry: …what?
Luna: Stop moping over Sirius.
Harry: Not exactly what you should be saying over someone who's in mourning, especially when they've…
Luna: What would Sirius want you to do?
Harry: Huh?
Luna: If Sirius was here right now, what would Sirius want you to do?
Harry: Be happy, a bit of a rebel, but overall, a good person?
Luna: Exactly. Now, stop moping over him and be what he wants you to be.
Harry: Wow, that's…surprisingly motivational. Thank you.
Luna: Damn right it is.
*the next day, on the train*
Hermione: I can't believe we're at the end of another school year.
Harry: I still can't believe the reason they fired Umbridge.
Tofty: I told you, she was going to be punished for interrupting your Astronomy exam, and I made sure she was.
Harry: Yeah, not for the literal torture and illegal interrogation of students, but for interrupting an exam for a subject most of us forgot we had.
Tofty: Well, yeah. Government officials doing that stuff is only a misdemeanour.
Harry: I shouldn't even be fucking surprised at this point.
Draco: POTTER! You are SO dead…
Hannah: Don't worry Harry, we've got you. Diminuendo!
Ernie: Rictusempra!
Justin: Stupefy!
Susan: Impedimenta!
Terry: Petrificus Totalus!
Anthony: Confundo! *Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle end up looking like a bunch of slugs as a result of the spells. Anthony looks up at Harry* Did we do good?
Harry: I think you overdid it…whoever you people are.
Ernie: We were in the DA, you ungrateful ass.
Harry: I never said I was ungrateful *turns to leave* By the way, if any of you has any salt for them, feel free to…
Justin: Yes sir.
*in a train compartment*
Hermione: Hey Harry, there's Cho.
Harry: Huh? *looks up and sees her* Oh, maybe I should…
Ginny: Don't you dare *looks up at Cho and smiles sweetly at her. Cho notices and runs away as quickly as possible*
Ron: Huh, guess she's not into you anymore.
Ginny: Yeah, I hear she's going out with Michael Corner now.
Hermione: Wait, weren't you going out with him?
Ginny: Huh? *remembers that she was supposed to be going out with him* Oh, um, no, not anymore.
Hermione: Aww, that's too bad.
Harry: He's probably lucky for that.
Ginny: *glaring at him* Actually, I'm going out with…uh…
Dean: Hey guys, just wanted to wish you all a good summer.
Ginny: Him.
Dean: Huh?
Neville: She said she's going out with you.
Seamus: Dude, that's awesome. You didn't tell me you were nailing a redhead.
Dean: That's because I… *Ginny glares at him, causing his clothes to smoulder* …er…only just started?
Seamus: *leading him away* Dude, I'm gonna need some details, like, right now.
Dean: You know dating doesn't necessarily mean sex, right?
Seamus: Then you're not doing it right.
Dean: Why do I have a bad feeling about all of this?
*at King's Cross*
Molly: Harry, dear, how are you?
Harry: I'm fine, I guess.
Fred: I notice you went straight to Harry instead of one of your biological children.
Molly: And I noticed you didn't finish your education despite my explicit request to.
George: Hey, we're businessmen now, and doing well at that.
Molly: And if I ever find out who financed your business venture, I'm going to have some very words with them…using the kitchen knife.
Harry: Err… *turns to Moody* So, what brings you guys here?
Moody: Them *points at the Dursleys, who were just arriving*
Vernon: BOY! How dare you run away from your eternal punishment like that?! When I get you home, I'm going to…
Moody: Do what, exactly?
Vernon: Move it, I'm trying to talk to my nephew.
Moody: Counter offer *makes sure Vernon can see his eye* You can take Harry, but the second I hear something bad has happened to him, you'll be experiencing the same thing, except tenfold. Got it?
Petunia: How dare you threaten my husband like that? You and these pack of weirdos.
Tonks: Aww, you flatter us.
Petunia: Young lady, you're the weirdest of them all.
Tonks: LADY?! Did you just assume my gender?
Lupin: Sweetie, no murdering the muggle at the station.
Tonks: *sigh* Fine, I'll find somewhere else to do it then.
Harry: So, I guess you'll be treating me better this summer, or else these guys and my godfather will be coming around.
Arthur: But Harry, your godfather's de… *gets hit in the stomach by Harry*
Harry: That's right, what are you gonna do about it?
Dudley: Quite an exceptional plan, cousin.
Harry: *confused by that comment* O…kay? Well, this summer might not be too bad then. I'll see you guys soon, okay?
Author's note: And…done. Five down, two (three?) to go. Like always, thank you all so much for reading this, I've really enjoyed writing this for you all. I'm gonna take a bit of a break from Harry Potter Abridged for now, just to get myself ready for Half Blood Prince. I'll probably start that one once I finish my Anime Protagonist fic, which should be around April/May. Can't really say for sure yet. In the meantime, I'll soon be starting New Moon Abridged, since that's what had the most votes from last year's poll (well, of the things I haven't recently finished). If you want to let me know what I should write next, feel free to check out my profile and vote for my next fic (for when I finish one of the current ones). Until next time guys…