A/N: This chapter's song: i miss you, I'm sorry by Gracie Abrams.
A whole lot of James and the beginning of the end.
Also note: I'm basing the train entirely on my experiences with the French TGV (and based on limited research it looks pretty much the same in Ireland, but I could be wrong on some things) Also, I will die on the hill that the hot chocolate on the TGV and/or at the rest stops on the freeways in France is absolutely delicious.
if you look up 'theesteemedladydebourgh' on spotify, I have a JHF playlist for all the s(ex)y vibes!
I'm also theesteemedladydebourgh on tumblr, come say hello and tell me your thoughts/theories!
JAMES
24 December, 2018
The train is bumping along steadily, and once the chaos Dorcas left in her wake has settled a bit James finds himself beginning to feel hungry.
"You ate three biscuits this morning!" Lily protests, narrowing her eyes at him. "Which was a very questionable dietary decision, just so you know."
"It was oatmeal raisin," James dismisses. "Practically health food. Speaking of food, is there any such thing on this rattling contraption?"
Lily very obviously rolls her eyes, but grabs her purse and stands. She immediately has to grab onto the seat for balance and James snorts. She glares. "Come on, idiot. Let's feed you."
"Like you're not hungry too—"
"Not the point—"
"It is too the point."
A few people give them dirty looks as they make their unsteady way down the train—the Hogwarts Express must've had stabilizing charms on it, because he never felt like he was going to fall over there—and towards the promised food.
They pause in the queue for the small snack bar near the back and the train rattles on as they wait. Lily stumbles as the car sways, hands flying out to steady herself and James grabs her by the waist, fingers slipping beneath her coat. "Okay?" he says.
Lily wobbles and holds onto him. "Fine."
He's having to concentrate very hard on not getting knocked over himself, especially with Lily's extra weight, but as she presses against him, her hands interlocking behind his back, he can't imagine telling her to move.
His chin drops, resting on top of her head and he sighs minutely. His eyes drift closed a bit. The train bumps along.
15 February, 2008
The Hogwarts rumor mill works fast.
So fast, in fact, that it's hard to keep track of what's being said other than that there's general talking and gossiping going on.
"Merlin, you'd think they'd shut up," James mutters, sitting in the library next to Remus and Peter. He can hear a few fourth years gossiping a table over and he hears Olivia and Lily's names dropped quite a few times. He wants to shove back his chair and go over to yell at them, but then he'd probably get kicked out.
And Lily would yell at him too, for terrifying kids and for getting involved. She's been firmly repeating, I'm fine, for the last few weeks, a tacit 'let me handle this' if he's ever heard one. She's never been one to let another fight her battles and he gets that, but Merlin he wishes she'd let him help—
"Just ignore it," Remus says, turning a page. His forehead is creased in a frown, though. "You know how it is. They'll find some other lie to latch onto in a few days and this'll be forgotten."
James would've taken comfort in that a few days ago, when all people were talking about was the cheating, but the few rumors he's heard over the last few days have mostly been about Lily dating him to get his status. It's never mentioned, but pureblood is implied into that. It's vaguely reminiscent of blood purity propaganda and it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. It's as if the original rumor has been completely twisted and reshaped, prejudiced pricks latching onto an excuse to go after a Muggleborn.
He's only heard a few of them, though, and Lily hasn't mentioned it so he assumed she hasn't heard them yet and—he doesn't care how many kids he has to yell at—if he gets his way she won't. Ever.
"Mate, can you detangle this Arithmancy chart?" Peter asks, giving him a pleading grin. He nudges the textbook over. "I swear, Vector is just making this shite up now."
James releases a breath and tries to put it out of his mind. "Yeah," he says and leans in. "Sure, let's do it. I've got practice in an hour, so—"
"Just enough time to ignore your own shit for mine?"
"Exactly, Wormtail."
He sees Lily at dinner, once he's braved the wind and icy weather for two hours and shouted himself hoarse, then scalded himself in the shower. She's sitting with Marlene, red hair in a braid down her back.
It reveals her neck to his eyes and he presses a kiss beneath her ear as he drops into his seat.
"What are you two chattering about?" he says and steals a bite of Lily's pie.
The two of them had abruptly gone silent when he arrived, but Lily twists to give him a smile. "Nothing," she says and nudges him. "Thief."
"Share, share," he returns, grinning.
Marlene is quiet for a moment, but then she stands suddenly. "I'm going up," she announces. Her eyes flick to Lily. "You coming?"
"In a bit," Lily says. "I'll go up with James." She seems to be communicating something to Marlene with her eyes, the meaning of which James can only guess at, and Marlene must get it because her chin dips a little.
"Okay," she says, blonde curls shining under the floating candles. "See you later, Lil."
"How was practice?" Lily asks him, propping her chin on her hand. "You look cold."
"Freezing," James says. "Also—bloody Florence can't do a Hawkshead Formation to save her life and Sirius kept lobbying Bludgers at the goals for fun and—" he cuts himself. "You don't care about any of this, do you?"
Lily's lips twitch. "Not really," she agrees. "But I like hearing you talk."
His lips quirk. "Well, that's good," he says and leans in. "Want to come up to my dorm after?"
Lily raises a brow. "And talk?"
He hums, leaning closer. "I'll talk, if you want. While I do other things. Multi-tasking."
"Multi-tasking?"
"I'm a capable, talented individual," James says and steals another bite of her pie. "I can definitely make you come and recite Gumps Laws of Transfiguration at the same time."
Lily splutters, cheeks turning red. "Shut up," she hisses, glancing around at the mostly empty table. Once assured that no once can hear them, she glowers at him. "And that is not the kind of talking I meant."
"Obviously," James says. "But I wasn't going to say it." He gestures with her spoon. "We're in public, Lily. That would be vastly innapropriate."
He gets hit in the shoulder, but it feels worth it because Lily immediately stands to follow him when he stands to head up to the common room. He leans in a bit, hand reaching for hers as they walk down the center aisle of the Great Hall but then Lily falters, sucking in a breath and shifts her hand away.
James glances at her, confusion burning bright in his chest. She's not looking at him, head tilted to examine the hearts still decorating the walls from Valentine's Day. Festive ghosts, Hogwarts has.
Her hand is pressing flat against her leg, turned away from him.
James frowns and is about to open his mouth when he hears her name dropped in conversation as they pass end of the Slytherin table on their way to the doors.
"—it's disgraceful, really, that she was made Head Girl. Someone like her and with that whole sex scandal—Merlin, it's like those horrid Muggle tabloids, the basest form of—"
Because of his Animagus form his ears are a lot sharper than others and Lily likely hasn't heard any of it yet—
He grabs her by the hand, forcing her stiff fingers to grasp his.
Lily makes a noise, but he's already tugging her away. "Come on," he says and hurries his pace. "I've got—" What? What does he have except a need to get away before she hears— "—I've got a surprise."
Lily follows him into the Entrance Hall, but the second his steps slow she's pulling her hand from his. Her cheeks are a little bit red, eyes glancing around. They pause on an innocuous group of girls in Hufflepuff robes, and Emma Vance standing a bit to the side. Lily's face shifts somehow, then she shakes her head, turning back to him. "Can it—can it wait?" she asks. "I just remembered I promised Marlene I would help her with her Charms homework and it's due tomorrow so—"
"Oh. Sure," James says. He's trying not to frown. "That's fine. Will I—"
Before he can ask if she's still going to sleep in his dorm, Lily's giving him a short smile and stepping away. "Great. See you tomorrow, James."
And then she's gone.
18 February, 2008
He wonders if Lily's avoiding him over the next few days, then he wonders if that's stupid. Why would she avoid him? He's not the one gossiping about her and she knows he's on her side, so…
Well, so she wouldn't be avoiding him unless there's another, entirely separate reason as to why she doesn't want to be around him.
He tries to push that thought out of his mind, rationalize away the instinctive fear that he's never quite been able to get rid of when it comes to Lily. The she'll never really fancy you fear.
On Friday night they stand side by side in a classroom on the fourth floor to hold a prefect's meeting, methodically making their way through the items on the agenda.
"Please stop switching rounds without prior approval," Lily says, looking completely put together and poised at the front of the classroom. "It's a nightmare for us and makes the points system completely confused—if you can't make your night, talk to me or James."
"I'll take Potter," someone mutters in the back. "Evans'll only give us good rounds if we're shagging her."
A ripple of laughter and James pushes himself off the desk so quickly his wrists smart with the motion. "Who the fuck said that?" he barks.
Lily's cheeks have gone pink and she's clutching the parchment in her hands with white knuckles. "We've put the new rounds schedule for the rest of the month by the door," she says. Her voice is even, eyes hard. "You can check your slots and come to both of us to request switches." She inhales sharply. "Any questions?"
The room is silent.
"All right, that's it," James says loudly. His pulse is thundering in his ears and he wants to hex everyone in this room until he finds the prick who—
Maybe Remus, sitting in the corner with wide eyes, saw who it was, because he couldn't identify the voice. Maybe he'll hunt them down with him.
The prefects leave the room in their usual disorder and loud chaos, crowding around the rounds sheet to find their slot. No one comes to him or Lily with complaints and he breathes deeply for a second, clenching his fists, then glances over at Lily as the room begins to clear out.
Her hair has fallen in front of her face, veiling it from his vision.
"Lily—"
"We should start our rounds," she says and turns to face him. Her eyes are a bit red, but her face looks normal. "I split us with Shelby and Marcus, so we're just doing everything from here up."
"Lily," James says again, more insistent. He's aware of the few people still in the room, including Remus hovering by the door. He waves behind his back and his mate nods, then leaves. "Are you—"
"I'm fine," she says and rolls her eyes. She's starting to look more and more normal. "Really, James, I'm used to people calling me names."
His frown doesn't abate. "You shouldn't be."
Lily shrugs and tugs at her tie, loosening it a bit. "Come on, let's go." The room is empty now and she doesn't look back as she heads for the doors.
James takes a short breath, then follows.
LILY
18 February, 2008
I'll take Potter. Evans'll only give us good rounds if we're shagging her.
Lily wants to hit something or maybe…or maybe cry, but she won't do that because she's already spent far too much time crying to justify it any more.
She left her wand on the desk in their usual empty classroom on the sixth floor where they've ended up after their rounds, casting a shining beam of light across the room.
James is still lingering by the door, as silent as he's been the entire time they were patrolling. He hasn't spoken since he said her name—twice, and then a short comment—at the meeting. His anger was brief and flared, and then suddenly stifled down and that's not like him. He…well, he never lets things go when someone he cares about is hurting. That's always been Lily's perspective of him, and yet he's been so silent tonight.
A slow exhale, and then a low voice. "Lily..." It's exhausted, a tacit do we have to talk about this?
It's leading towards the obvious, the thing lingering between them—well, not even. The thing lingering in her all night.
"I know," she says, turning to face him.
James's face is unreadable, lost in the shadows and faint light from her wand.
"You don't have to bring it up," she says. It's more defensive than it should be, but she doesn't want to talk about it when he so clearly doesn't. "I know people are talking about me."
James stares at her, then he lifts a hand to his hair, gripping tightly. "They're—it's…" He cuts himself off and sighs again. It's exasperated, and then he cuts his eyes over at her. "Lily," he says. Come on.
Lily doesn't move. Her chest is hurting again, that strained muscle pulling too tight, and she rubs absently at it. She can't put a name on what she's feeling, except that it's not good. Except that…she wants him to see it from her side, that it's not something that can just be swept under the rug. That makes her next words come out, breathless. "Olivia's mates are the ones who keep bringing it up."
James's face freezes. "What?" he says sharply.
Lily presses her hand harder against her chest. Breathe shallow. She repeats herself, watches reluctant emotions play out across his face.
"I—but…would Olivia do that?" James asks, stepping back. He clearly gets her implication and his brow is furrowed, his voice doubtful. He's not looking directly at her.
Yes.
"I don't know," Lily says. Breathing is getting harder, like this is one of her nightmares coming to life. Telling him the truth and…and watching him not take her side. "But you have to admit that she's been weird this year—"
"Towards us?" he cuts her off, furrowing his brow.
Lily's fingers clench into fists. "Towards me. She still likes you—"
James exhales sharply and steps forward. "You don't know that," he says dismissively and she wants to shake him. Honestly, was he blind? He's quiet for a second when she doesn't respond, then he sighs again, shoulders slumping. "I don't want to fight with you, okay?" His voice is exhausted, as if they've already had this conversation a thousand times, as if he's incapable of seeing Olivia as anything but the sweet, perfect girl he used to love. "Please, I—"
She wants to keep arguing. She wants to fight for a second—make him angry, make him see, make him feel this hurt muscle in her chest that keeps pulling tighter.
Yes, Olivia would do it. She is doing it.
James can see that in her face and his forehead tightens. He looks like he's going to argue for a second, then he wipes his face clean and sighs, coming over to her. "It doesn't matter," he says and—
Oh.
His mouth is briefly against her hair, but it's short and gone and he holds her against his chest, her head tucked down. She can't see his face, can't the see the doubt she's sure is there.
Yes, Olivia would do it, but it doesn't matter. Oh.
"It doesn't matter," James repeats. He sounds tired, like he doesn't want to think about it anymore. "It's not true."
Lily's hand is pressed against his chest and she wonders if she should push him away. She doesn't.
James continues, "They'll stop soon." They, not her, because he still doesn't believe that perfect Olivia would do something like this—
It's Olivia, she wants to say. Can't you see that? Can't you see me?
James lets her go after a minute and steps back. His face is closed off. "It doesn't matter," he says. "Come on."
Come on. Let it go.
"Right," Lily says. It doesn't matter…it's not a big deal. But then why does it hurt? she wonders.
That strained muscle in her chest twinges and she tries to breathe shallower, tries not to look at James and cry. She can't cry in front of him, because then she'll be…
The girl who never measured up to Olivia, who couldn't even withstand a little bit of gossip. Who feels like she's falling apart more and more each day.
JAMES
24 December, 2018
The hot coffee badly burns his tongue, but Lily is persuaded to share some of her hot chocolate and that nearly makes up for it because it's (very surprisingly) delicious.
"Let's head back," Lily says when they finish their snacks, and begins her wobbling journey down the train.
James snorts, keeping a hand resting gently against her lower back. "Don't fall."
"Fuck you." She glances over her shoulder and her scowl deepens. "Seriously—fuck you, how are you not falling over?"
James withholds a laugh. "Chaser, love," he says, grinning. "Try keeping your balance on a broom sometime, it gives your core a workout."
Lily grumbles. "You haven't been a Chaser in years—"
"I still play."
"Yeah, how often?" Her voice is snippy.
"Like…every three years."
Lily makes a sharp sound of derision. "See? That just proves my point that you are unfairly gifted at everything."
James starts laughing and grabs the back of her coat, bringing her to a halt in the cramped hallway between the cars. "Wait, wait—you never brought that up. I thought your point was—ever so eloquently put—fuck you?"
Lily turns to face him and crosses her arms. "It is," she says and then tilts her head, a flash of wickedness crossing her face. "As in…you're unfairly gifted, so I'd like to fuck you."
James nearly chokes on his next breath and his voice comes out embarrassingly strangled. "I thought you were too embarrassed to articulate that," he says.
"I wasn't embarrassed—"
"You turned bright red and started speaking entirely in sentence fragments."
"I was surprised!"
"That I want to shag you? Really?"
Lily groans sharply. "Oh, for fuck's sake we've already established this—"
"Have we?" James says and his voice drops a notch. He steps forward, pushing Lily towards the shaking wall behind her. Her eyes go slightly wide, cheeks beginning to flush as he leans in. "Because I do."
"So you've said." Her voice is slightly breathless and her eyes flutter shut when his mouth nears her skin.
The corridor is empty for now so he slips his hands beneath her coat, sliding around her waist. Her eyes open, meet his. James doesn't hesitate before kissing her, her lips warm and softy, already parted with surprise, and isn't that just so—
He doesn't have to hesitate before kissing her. He hasn't been this sure of her acceptance of his affection since early 2008 and that floors him more than anything else, makes him press her harder against the wall, makes his burgeoning arousal turn into a pressing and immediate problem.
Lily breaks away from his mouth with a gasp and laughs quietly, the sound a little bit wild. "Are you—seriously, hard right here? Right now?" she demands, then completely negates her surprise by kissing him again and shifting her body against his.
"Yes, right here, right now," James says, and pulls her up against him, relishing the soft gasp she lets out. He drops his mouth to her ear, heat flushing through him. "Lily…"
"We're on a train." Her voice is sharply breathless. "In public."
Fuck. He knows.
"I know," he says and his voice is strained. "Love…"
She makes a sound then, some combination of frustration and need, then pushes him off her.
James steps back, stumbling a bit as the train rattles and she straightens, cheeks flushed. She grabs his hand and tugs before he can say anything. "You're insane," she says as she drags him down the corridor as quickly as she can. Her voice gets more and more heated with each word. "Absolutely mad that you're making me—"
She comes to a stop in front of—is that the train toilets?—and yanks open the door, pushes him into the tiny space, and wedges herself in after.
James can unleash his protest then. "I'm not making you—"
Lily's lips silence him, briefly making the entire world fade away to the warm, soft pressure of them, but then she rips them away. "You are," she groans and her fingers curl at the collar of his shirt. "I never do shit like this unless I'm with you—"
"Me too," James groans and flicks the lock on the door. He fumbles for his wand and casts the most basic silencing charm he can remember, then grabs her round the waist and pulls her up against him. His shoulder bangs into the door. "Fuck, me too, it's never been—"
"Touch me," Lily says and her fingers go from his collar to his neck, cupping his jaw. Her chest is rising and falling, her cheeks brightly flushed. "Please—James, touch me. Make me come, I want—" she sucks in a shuddering breath.
"What do you want?" James prompts and tugs her T-shirt out of her jeans, fingers sliding across her bare stomach. One of his hands drops between her legs and gently cups her over her jeans—she gasps, eyes fluttering shut—then begins to rub soft circles. "Tell me."
Her eyes open with what looks like great effort. "I want you to make me come. I want it…quick and dirty," she manages to say and—
James groans, feeling like his entire being has been cut from its strings, like he was some sort of puppet, bent to only Lily Evans's will. "Fuck," he swears and he's past teasing, past anything but giving her what she wants as quickly as possible.
Her zip is tugged down, her jeans once again pulled down around her thighs and he'd laugh at the parallel to their first hook up in that ridiculous car, but then he's slipping his hand down her knickers, finding her completely soaking—
Her first whimper undos him and it's only downhill from there.
"James—"
His fingers stroke and glide in her folds, teasing her entrance and then slipping one, two fingers inside. She moans, cheeks flushing even brighter and she grips his shoulder tightly.
"Oh—fuck—wait, did you—"
"I silenced it," James says and kisses her, free hand cupping her round the back of her neck and dragging her to his mouth for a kiss. He slides his fingers in and out of her, not even minding the awkward angle and how his hand is trapped between them. "Fuck—"
He's not even the one being touched and he sounds like he's seconds from coming. He feels like it too, like she wouldn't even have to do anything but keep on sounding and feeling like this to push him over the edge.
Lily's whimpers reach a pitch after a few minutes and her hand has dropped from his shoulder to his chest, pressing against him like she's about to push him away but she's got her fingers curled in the fabric. "Oh—"
Then she slips her hand down and grabs the wrist of the hand in her knickers and—
And his brain officially stops working when she meets his eyes, pulls his hand away from her, then slips hers into his. She inhales, then slides her own hand into her knickers, his over hers. "Touch me," she whispers.
"Fuck—" He sounds completely wrecked and his hand automatically tightens over hers, guiding her fingers through her wetness, dipping inside, sliding out…
Lily moans, head tilting back. She falls against him slightly, hand bracing against his shoulder and he's officially lost his mind—
Someone knocks sharply on the door.
Lily makes a strangled noise and tries to straighten but James tightens his grip on her hand and keeps it moving. Her fingers inside, his brushing through the wetness along with hers, finding her clit with his thumb and stroking. "Ignore it," he groans. "They can't hear and—"
But they could certainly hear him—a very crotchety sounding man loudly saying, "What's going on? Why's it locked?"
Lily moans and then they're both laughing, the tension in him building higher and higher even though she hasn't even fucking touched him yet. Each shift of his painfully hard cock in his trousers threatens to undo him and he nearly loses it when Lily's thumb curves over his hand, guiding him to the swollen, sensitive spot she wants him.
He locks eyes with her and strokes and she cries out so loudly he can imagine her clenching around his fingers if they were inside her, but it's her own fingers she's going to be clenching around—
"James, I—I—"
"Come for me," he says and pulls her closer. His head is spinning, his hand moving along with hers. "Lily, baby—"
She shudders and then moans, long and loud. He can feel her unraveling, wetness flooding his hand, her body shaking.
A sharp bang on the door, then a distinct huff. "What is the service coming to—" Stomping footsteps fading off and James laughs, the sound choked as Lily pants, lifting her head to look at him. She shifts, slipping both of their hands out of her knickers and he follows her lead.
His chest suddenly feels tight with something unbearably affectionate, but that emotion doesn't have long to sit as Lily suddenly inhales and presses forward, kissing him furiously. Her hand—the same one that was just inside her—drops to his belt and yanks, pulling out his cock, already hard and weeping and so close—
Her hand is slick from her wetness and James swears, says her name over and over as she strokes him roughly, her head falling into his shoulder. He comes embarrassingly quickly, all of the tension and arousal from watching her and touching her having built him up to the point of no return.
And when he says her name and spills all over her hand he just thinks fuck.
Fuck—what is even happening?
James's head hits the back of the door with a thud and he pants, eyes drifting closed. Lily's hand is still pressed between them, likely making a huge mess on both of them with his come, but he can't even be bothered to think about that now.
Lily's voice comes, slightly muffled in his neck. "Did you talk to her after we broke up?"
He's dazed, still stupid from climax and his hand slowly traces along her lower back. "Who?"
"Olivia."
His fingers stop. It's like a bucket of water over their situation, but James doesn't move. "A bit," he manages to say after a moment.
He can't tell if that upsets her or not. "Did she ever say if she spread those rumors or not?"
Yes, yes she had but what good would Lily learning that now do—
"No," he says and kisses the top of her head. "We didn't talk about that."
Lily's silent, then she nods slightly and presses her face further against him.
He feels a brief flare of guilt—that he tells himself to shove off with, because it's not a lie-lie, it's just…a lie.
The beginning of the end came so quick for them back then. A classroom with Lily, a promise. A classroom with Olivia, an offering of comfort.
The first one haunts him the most, though. A moment so innocuous at the time, so pivotal in hindsight.
18 February, 2008
They find themselves in their usual classroom on the sixth floor near the end of their rounds, but this time it isn't for any nefarious purposes, though James briefly wishes it was. Not because he's feeling particularly randy, but because that time was so simple. October and just discovering each other, lost in a euphoric, disbelieving daze that Lily Evans actually fancied him.
Lily wanders around the empty, dark classroom for a moment. She'd lit her wand and placed it on one of the desks—one of the ones they've shagged on before—lighting up the room.
"Lily—" James starts, unsure where he's going to go with it, but Lily sighs and turns to face him before she can finish.
"I know," she says. "You don't have to bring it up." Her brow is furrowed. "I know people are talking about me."
James goes silent. He tries to swallow. "They're—it's…" No, they're not, he wants to say. He wants to lie and make that look on her face go away. "Lily…"
They've never actually talked about it outright since the whole mess began, since Lily's shrugged the subject off every time he's tried to bring it up. He wonders what she's going to say, if she's more affected by it than she's let on, but then she says, "Olivia's mates are the ones who keep bringing it up."
James blinks. "What?"
That…wasn't what he was expecting.
Lily doesn't look away from him. There's a strange look on her face, maybe a little bit defensive. "Olivia's mates are the ones who keep bringing it up," she repeats.
"No, I—I heard you, but…" His but shrivels in his mouth. He knows where she's going with this and Merlin, he doesn't want it to be true. "Would Olivia do that?" He wants to dismiss it, say no, but then he wonders a bit.
Wonders at her angry, sad face in December. The angry words she shouted at him during the summer. The surprising vitriol towards Lily.
"I…don't know," Lily says. Her arms are crossed, mouth tucked down and it hurts him seeing her like this. "But you have to admit she's been weird this year."
"Towards us?" James doesn't really blame Olivia for being mad, because he certainly hadn't been fair to her towards the end of the summer.
"Towards me." Lily hesitates, shifting her weight. "She still likes you—"
"You don't know that," James says. And fuck—what does that have to do with anything? He doesn't fancy Olivia anymore, does it matter if she fancies him? He exhales. "I don't want to fight with you, okay? Please, I—"
Lily's face is caught in a frown and he wants to smooth it away with his thumb, kiss her forehead, keep her away from the world and its fucked up views that don't matter. Olivia…he'll deal with Olivia. "It doesn't matter," he says firmly and moves over to her.
He kisses her on the top of her head and gathers her in his arms, pressing her head against his chest with his hand. His fingers curl in the soft strands of her hair, wondering if she can feel his heart beating unsteadily. "It doesn't matter, okay? It's not true, and they'll stop soon."
It doesn't matter, because I love you and I've got you.
25 December, 2018
They're back in their seats, night falling outside.
Lily's cheeks are still flushed and he keeps resisting the urge to smirk whenever he sees them. She's always been so ridiculously responsive to him and with her tendency to blush at the slightest thing, she's developed more than a small tell for when she's just had an orgasm.
Thank Merlin for magic, honestly, making cleaning themselves up a breeze and then they'd stepped out into the—thankfully—empty corridor, glanced at each other and shared a laugh at the ridiculousness of their situation, then they made their way back to their seats for the final short bit of the train ride.
His body is still relaxed from the aftermath of his own pleasure, lending towards a happily relaxed disposition, but he notices Lily's face is contemplative as she looks out the window and he's not entirely surprised when she turns to face him a few minutes later.
"What did you mean when you said you hurt me?" Lily says bluntly. "A few days ago. Before we left Ted."
James exhales slowly, straightening with surprise. Oh. That.
He takes a second to think and Lily watches him carefully, a variety of emotions hidden behind her green eyes.
"I…don't know," he admits after a second. Why did he say that, when she was the one who hurt him? But…she's still angry and maybe he did hurt her on some level, otherwise why would she have left? It's an empty statement, one made with more regard to his own injured feelings than to his knowledge of hers.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Lily asks, voice quiet. "Our—when we broke up?"
James looks at her for a moment, taking in her face, the flickering electric lights on her hair as the train begins to slow to a stop. Her face, cold and walking away. He remembers that time, when the world felt like it was ending. He exhales again.
"Yeah," he says. "But not tonight."