The silent walk with Jim was torturous. It didn't take long for me to figure out that we were heading to his quarters as we made our way down familiar corridors. His mood was unreadable. He was tense, and based on his talk of needing to document my absolutely moronic bout with Spock and figure out a way to quell whatever repercussions there might be, I was prepared to be as useful as possible.
At least I could try to help brainstorm ideas, try to prevent him from having to stress about it, and definitely avoid him having to take any more falls for me by continuously sticking his neck out when I just couldn't keep my fucking shit together. I was beyond disappointed in myself. I knew better. And I needed him to know that I would own it, and own helping figure out a solution to a problem I alone had created.
After having the quiet walk to figure out exactly what I needed and wanted to say, the words were ready to burst out of my mouth in order to cut through the silence of Jim's stony demeanor as we finally stepped into his quarters. So as he set down his bag and pulled my own from my shoulder to do the same, I let the words flow out in a fast, rushed mess.
My brows were drawn together as I spat out my thoughts one after another, looking first at his back still as he walked away from me, and then again at his unreadable face as he walked back towards me to take my bag. He wasn't looking at me as I spoke. Instead, his eyes were downcast at the floor as his hand took the strap off my shoulder and walked it over to the couch.
I couldn't stand his silence, his refusal to look at me. My words came faster, growing more desperate to explain myself with each passing second. When he started walking back towards where I was still standing by the door, his eyes finally met mine. I couldn't make out what feelings were painted across his face. He looked determined and frustrated as he stared me down, words still flying out of my mouth with my cheeks burning hot from all my feelings surfacing and tumbling out all at once.
Preparing myself for a quick and cold statement to dismiss my panic and attempt to steer us back on track to attempting to get my mess sorted out, I drew up my posture and kept my eyes on his as he came back towards me. What I expected was a reprimand and maybe a snide, sarcastic comment before he would turn back around to get started documenting the night's event. What actually happened was something I could never have imagined or prepared for — it surprised me in a way I'd never felt before.
Suddenly his hands were on my cheeks, and the last thing I saw before he pressed his full, soft lips onto mine was the look of pure longing and desire burning in his blue eyes. All the anxiety, fear and regret that had been burning through me melted away as he gave me a deep, drawn-out kiss that had my heart doing cartwheels in a ridiculous, unfamiliar way.
It was a kiss that smoldered. The way he moved his lips so slowly, intent on each and every minute movement, taking his time and thoroughly savoring the feel of my lips moving against his … This kiss was different from any of the others we'd shared before. It was unhurried and intentional. He was conveying something to me that made near unbearable heat rise up inside of me, along with the desire to stay this close to him, kissing him this intensely forever. It made me feel lightheaded and lost with how good and right it felt to have him kiss me like it was the only thing he was brought into this world to do.
When he finally pulled back from me, I found myself straining against his hands on my face and moving my hands up to the collar of his tee shirt in an effort to get back to his warm lips and keep our kiss going for as long as I possibly could.
We were breathless as we stood in our heat for one another. The only sound that met our ears was the uneven rhythm of our heavy breathing. I flicked my eyes up to find him gazing down at me with a raw intensity that I'd never seen from him before. It was impossible to look away from his blue eyes as he finally broke his silence with a husky, lust-laden voice. As the sound made its way to my ears, it soothed and thrilled me in a way that sent chills shooting through my body.
"I want you. I want to take you to dinner, I want you to be with me wherever I go, I want to take you to places you've never seen, I want to show you everything. I want to take my time with you. I want you more than anything. You are all I want, and I fucking love it."
The air punched out of my lungs as each of his words penetrated my brain and made their way down into a corner of my heart that had never been breached before. His thumbs moved along the bruised, delicate skin under my eyes as I looked up at him, in awe of the passion burning in them as he took me in.
I was lost in his gaze, trying to find my thoughts when he'd taken me so off guard with his wonderfully warm touch and derailing kiss. My hands tugged at the collar of his shirt as I searched his eyes and my heart for what I truly wanted him to know, for how I honestly felt.
Pushing forward into his hands that were still caressing my cheeks, I felt his resistance lessen, and I was able to place a soft, lingering kiss on his lips before pulling back just enough to rest my forehead on his and whisper my response into the charged air between us.
"I want all of that. I want all of you. I want your whole world, Jim. It's scary, but I want it. I want it all."
His lips were on mine again, moving in an expertly slow way that had my toes curling in my shoes. When he broke the kiss, it was his turn to whisper words onto my puffy, parted lips.
"I'm yours. You have me. All of me. You have my heart, Aria."
The sound of my name leaving his lips in a breathless, emotional declaration had my eyes watering as I kissed him again, unable to handle the powerful surge of feelings rising up and wrapping around my heart.
Tears spilled from my eyes as I moved my arms to wrap around his shoulders, resting my hands at the back of his neck as his own arms encircled my waist, pulling me to him tighter. We stood there kissing, taking our sweet time with one another for what could've been a few seconds or dozens of minutes. Time was nothing to us as the moment stretched on into blissful serenity that I would loved to revel in forever.
Eventually our kisses trailed off into stillness, and I laid my head against Jim's chest, my arms still around his shoulders as he held me close. At that moment, I felt more whole than I had in my entire life. I felt more safe than I had ever known. I felt as though I had come across the other half of myself that I didn't even know I was missing. It might've felt something like home, if I'd ever had one of those to compare it to.
It was Jim who broke the silence first. His hand moved up and down my back gently, moving his fingers in soft sweeping motions that soothed me and sent little waves of tingles and shivers up and down my spine. I was exhausted. My body ached. But here, in Jim's arms, even the bad things didn't seem all that bad.
"Here, come with me."
I sighed, a little annoyed that he brought an end to our wonderfully peaceful embrace, but slid my hand into his as he led me through his quarters, back to where the bathroom was that I'd rushed to get ready in just a few days ago. The memory brought a smirk to my face as he brought me to a large, square tub that had been built into the floor next to the huge floor-to-ceiling windows.
The sight of the enormous, luxurious tub nearly brought more tears to my eyes. Jim dropped my hand and walked over to a set of controls. After a few seconds of pushing various buttons, the tub began to fill with steamy water, the scent of lavender and something that might've been eucalyptus meeting my nose as the water began to rise to the edge of the tub at a steady pace.
He walked back over and stood in front of me with a soft expression on his face, and a small smirk playing at the corner of his lips.
"Take a bath, relax. When you're done, if you're not too tired, I'll find you something to eat."
I looked down at our sneaker-clad feet, unsure of how to respond with anything but the truth. I settled for honesty, because it came surprisingly easy all of a sudden after being thoroughly intoxicated by his presence, his touch, and his words.
"I've never had someone take care of me like this before."
His fingers were under my chin then, lifting it gently to look up at him and those depthless blue eyes that I would never get enough time to look into.
"You'll be familiar with the feeling from now on."
I closed my eyes as he leaned in to place another slow, soft, smoldering kiss on my lips.
"Take as long as you want. I'll be waiting for you when you're done."
As he moved away from me to walk through the door, I felt another tug inside of me — more white hot truth. And since everything else had been coming so easily from my heart to my tongue, I let the words roll out of me in a soft murmur.
"Please don't go."
And there it was. For the second time in a week, I was asking him to stay.
Turning around slowly to face me again, his eyes were holding an even softer, gentler look then he'd had before. And before he could say anything, I found more truth coming straight out of my deepest feelings and into the air.
"I just don't want this feeling to end. It will leave when you do, I don't want it to go away."
A small smile spread across his lips before he responded in a tone that matched my soft, quiet words.
"Go ahead and get in, and I'll be right back. I promise."
Just as he was about to walk through the doorway, I found more words tumbling out of my mouth without being checked by my brain.
"Jim — please don't ever make me a promise you can't keep."
He paused in the doorway for a moment before turning his head to look at me over his shoulder.
"I will always keep my promises to you. Always."
Then he was gone, leaving me standing next to an immaculate tub and a feeling of such comfort and warmth in my heart that I could've just sat down where I stood and sobbed from the joy of it all. I felt such contentment, such easiness that I never had never known before in my turbulent life that had given me nothing but painful heartache and too many sad stories.
I decided to get undressed before I ended up on the floor in a puddle of my own happy, tired tears. After setting my shoes and clothes on a counter close to the tub, I walked over and took my first steps in. The swirling steam, the soothing smell of the mixture of essential oils, the feeling of the warm-near-hot water against my aching, sore muscles … An audible moan escaped my lips as I eased myself down into the delightfully welcoming water.
Before getting too comfortable, I tugged the elastic out of my ponytail, letting my long, dirty and tangled hair down and tugging it over one shoulder as I sat down on the padded seat of the tub. I could have easily closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep as the aroma of the oils and soothing heat of the water completely took over my mind, body and senses. I opted to give my head a dunk underneath the water instead, trying to keep myself somewhat awake so as to not drown in the tub in the captain's quarters.
Just as I was laughing at the silly thought that had crossed my mind and smoothing over my wet locks and face with my fingers, I heard the soft mechanical swoosh of the automatic door followed by the padding of bare feet across the floor.
I looked up to see Jim heading towards me, clad in nothing but his underwear. The sight of it nearly had me dipping my head back under the water and staying there until I was forced to come up gasping for air. I ignored the thought and instead tried to focus on his handsome, smirking face and not on … well, not on everything else that was walking towards me.
Before stepping into the tub, he headed towards the counter where he found a washcloth and a bottle of some kind of soap. He slid in next to me, setting the bottle and cloth down on the edge of the tub before asking me to scoot forward on the seat. As I felt him slide into the now empty space behind me that I'd just vacated, my heart rate hitched ever so slightly.
His legs sprawled out around me, and then I felt his hands and the wet washcloth move along my bare back and shoulders. The feeling of his solid, warm body so close to mine, with the heat of the water and soothing scent of oils sent a wave of calming relaxation rolling over every fiber of my being. The small, sudden pangs of anxiety and nervousness that had hit when he strolled in near nude were nowhere to be found as I got lost in his soothing touch.
Small circles alternated with sweeping motions down to the water and back up again, bringing fresh warm water to my exposed skin. My eyes closed as I let myself ebb and flow with every movement he made. He moved from my back up to my hair, smoothing over strands and slowly, methodically wiping it clean. I even felt his fingers gently work through tangles and knots as he used them as a makeshift comb.
Interspersed between his diligent cleaning were small, delicate kisses on my bare skin that sent shivers racing up to my head and down to my toes. Sometimes the kisses lingered as he placed a few in the same spot, and other times he would place one kiss before continuing on with his affectionate washing.
Sometime after he'd gone from untangling my hair to cleaning my arms, I found myself leaning backwards into him, unable to bear the energy it took to sit upright anymore. As I scooted backwards into his chest, his arms wrapped around me, and I laid my head against his shoulder. One of his hands made its way up to my hair, smoothing over it in a slow, steady rhythm that brought me comfort in a way that resonated deep down in the depths of my soul that hadn't stirred in quite some time.
I was happy enough to cry. That is, if I had the energy to muster up tears. Everything had melted away as we sat together in the steaming water. I could feel how deep and even Jim's breathing was as he held me to his chest, his own head propped against my damp hair. We could've sat like that forever. And while the water was still pleasantly hot, I could feel how pruny my feet were becoming at the bottom of the tub.
"We gotta get outta here before we turn into giant raisins. Come on, up we go."
Suddenly I was being lifted up and out of the water. Cradled against Jim's chest, he walked me over to a rack on the wall where a robe sat on a hook. He placed me down gently on my feet before taking the soft, white robe off its hook and holding it up for me to slip my arms into.
As I reveled in the cozy goodness of the robe and tied it around my waist, he grabbed himself a towel from another hook and made quick work of drying himself off before wrapping it around his waist, where his wet underwear still clung to each and every curve of his body.
"Food or bed?"
"Mmmm, maybe both?"
"You got it."
He reached his hand out for me to take, and I trailed behind him as he led me through the large bathroom back into his adjoining bedroom. Releasing my hand, he opened a drawer, fished out a tee shirt, and then handed it to me with a soft smirk on his face that made me want to get lost in kissing him all over again.
"Why don't you go ahead and get dried off and pull that on. I'm gonna do the same and then see what I can wrangle up for food."
He leaned down and placed a lingering kiss on my lips before padding out of the room and back into the bathroom, leaving me in the pleasant silence of his bedroom after the door gently whooshed shut. It took an incredible amount of effort for me to convince myself to towel dry my hair at least a little bit before tugging on the oversized shirt of Jim's and laying down on his plush, inviting bed.
It was as thoughts of what food he might be bringing mixed with how everything about these intimate, quiet moments with Jim seemed too good to be true that my eyelids closed. I was lost to sleep before he came back, wondering just how the stars in my own small, little universe came to be aligned with a person who had treated me so heartbreakingly well.
I'd cling to every small moment that made me believe that simple joy and happiness were possible. That I could be with someone and feel whole, supported and respected. There would always be time to be afraid, to question, to try and poke holes in every little action and detail. But for now, I'd indulge my heart and enjoy being lulled to sleep by the comforting feelings of being taken care of, protected and cherished for the first time in my complicated, ever-persistent struggle of a life.