Author's Note: I'm so sorry for not updating for the past two weeks. I ran into a few problems that caused the delay. But I'm back on schedule now.
Review Responses (I'll add more in the future)
Guest chapter 20, Jan 24th: You make a good point. I added an extra photograph to make Raven more sympathetic in this universe.
Guest chapter 20 . Jan 20: I suppose Ironwood and any other absent audience members can enjoy past viewings later.
Guest chapter 20, Jan 12th: I figured Qrow would play Eddie right from the start.
Guest chapter 20, Jan 10th: I did a bit of backtracking on RWBY and realized you're right. I fixed that error. Ozpin's words are internal and only audible to Oscar.
MarioCatjr: Lol. That's why I chose Winter to play Dolores. The irony is that their real-life counterparts hate each other.
Onix121: I realized that and fixed the dialogue a bit. Go easy on Gold-Sith, though.
Guy Passing By: I contemplated your review and realized a young Maria would be great as Betty Boop. Thanks for the help.
thewittywhy: You'll see soon enough, my friend. You'll see.
Komod0-Sensei: Thank you so much, my friend. Personally, I'm surprised nobody made a RWBY reaction to Roger Rabbit before yours truly. It's a masterpiece and one of my personnel favorite films from my childhood.
Inspiration: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit story for entertainment purposes only. "RWBY" is the property of director and animator Monty Oum (RIP) and production company Rooster Teeth, and "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" is the property of director Robert Zemeckis and production companies Touchstone Pictures, Amblin Entertainment, and Silver Screen Partners and distributed by Buena Vista Pictures.
Cut to later that night. Qrow strolled down a gloomy alley in the seedier parts of Vale. In the background, a stray dog was foraging for food.
"What a nasty looking place," Kali commented on the alley.
"Be careful uncle Qrow," Ruby warned her uncle.
"Don't worry. I can handle myself," Qrow assured his niece.
Qrow walked up to a wooden door adjoining the alley. He knocked and a peephole slid open. Out peered a pair of toon eyes.
"Got the password?" the toon asked in a deep, guttural voice.
"Walt sent me," Qrow answered.
The peephole closed and the sounds of locks clicking out of place could be heard.
"Reminds me of Vale's speakeasies when they tried to outlaw alcohol," Maria reminisced on her past.
Qrow shuddered at the thought. "I can't even imagine living in those days," he mumbled.
The door slowly slid open. Qrow stepped inside. The bouncer was Hazel as a hulking, toon gorilla dressed in a poorly fitting tuxedo.
"Hazel?" Yang identified the toon quickly.
"He's even bulkier than our universes version," Weiss pointed out.
"And hairier," Nora added.
"Nice monkey suit," Qrow quipped.
"Wiseass," Hazel grumbled.
Yang, Ruby, and Taiyang laughed at Qrow's joke.
Qrow walked down a short hallway towards a set of double-doors. The sound of piano music could be heard and grew louder as Qrow approached the doors.
"Are those pianos I hear?" Winter asked.
"I think so, sister," Weiss replied with a pleased smiled, having a fondness for piano music.
Qrow opened the doors. The Ink and Paint was a cabaret styled nightclub. Tables with white tablecloths full of human guests filled the room and toon penguin waiters scurried around while carrying serving trays to deliver drinks around the room. A pair of toons pianists were playing on a large stage opposite of Qrow.
"Wow. What a swanky place," Maria complimented, reminded of similar clubs from her youth.
"The music is certainly enjoyable," Weiss said while bobbing her head to the beat.
"I'd prefer a more modern one in Vale, but it still looks like fun," Yang said as she ate a handful of popcorn.
Onstage were Neptune Vasilias and Sun Wukong, both of them toon ducks engaged in a piano duel. Sun had yellow feathers and wore a tuxedo, while Neptune had blue feathers and only wore his goggles and red jacket.
"Sun and Neptune are toons?" Jaune said in surprise.
"Toon ducks," Nora giggled.
"I didn't see that coming," Blake said, unable to hide a smirk.
"They look even dorkier than usual," Yang commented with a smirk.
Neptune began to play haphazardly on his piano, much to Sun's annoyance.
"Hey! Cut it out!" Sun chided in a buccal speech that was barely intelligible.
"Can anyone here undersssstand what thisss duck is sssssaying?" Neptune asked the audience with a messy lisp to his speech.
Most of the audience laughed at the exchange between the two toon ducks, as well as their speech impediments.
Even Weiss giggled. "I can hardly understand either of them," she referred to Neptune.
Qrow glanced to his right. A dopey looking toon octopus bartender was using his multiple arms to serve several customers at once.
"Most amusing," a woman said as the octopus poured her a drink.
"A bit more wine?" the woman's date requested, slipping the octopus a lien which the latter's multiple hands fought over.
"That's my kind of bartender," Qrow said in admiration, imagining the octopus serving him a glass of whiskey in each hand.
Taiyang laughed. "You'd be hammered in no time," he said smiling.
Back onstage, Neptune began to antagonize Sun.
"I've worked with a lot of wissse quackerssss, but you are dessssspicable!"
"Doggone, stubborn, little..." Sun groused before trailing off into angry quacking gibberish.
"This is the lasssst time I work with ssssomeone with a ssssspeech impediment!"
Yang giggled. "Look whose talking," she said.
"It's amazing they can perform together at all," Ghira commented.
"Unless it's all part of the act," Kali theorized.
"Oh yeah?!" Sun shouted furiously.
Sun reached over, grabbed Neptune, and hurled him inside the grand piano, slamming the lid down on his beak.
"Thissss. Meanssss. War!" Neptune punctuated while Sun continued playing.
"Ooooooh! When toons say that, you know it's about to go down," Nora said with anticipation.
"Indeed. They might wreck the whole club, Maria added while sipping a cup of tea.
Qrow approached an empty seat at a table close to the . A white haired main dressed in a garish plaid suit-jacket and spotted necktie. Without warning, he sprayed ink all over Qrow's white shirt with a fountain pen.
Port giggled hysterically at the ink stain he just made.
Qrow leered at the screen. "What the hell?!" he said in outrage.
Winter, Maria, and Glynda giggled.
Qrow bristled. "You think that's funny?" he asked angrily.
"It's a panic!" Port replied, unperturbed by Qrow's anger.
Qrow pulled Port up by his lapel. "You won't think it's funny when I stick that pen up your nose!" he threatened.
"Geez, Qrow. It's just a shirt," Taiyang scolded his brother in law.
"Even so, doing that to the wrong person could get your ass kicked," Qrow retorted.
"Now, calm down, son, will ya?" Port placated. "Look, the stains gone. It's disappearing ink."
Valiant glanced down at his shirt, noticing the spot was indeed vanishing.
"Cool," Ruby said, impressed by the novelty product.
"Lucky for him," Qrow said as he took a swing from his flask.
Qrow now realized who Port was.
"No hard feelings, I hope?" Port asked. "Look, I'm-
"I know who you are," Qrow interrupted. "Peter Port, the guy that owns Toontown. The Gag King."
"If it's Port, it's a gasser," Port responded with his company's slogan.
"So, he does own a company," Ren said, remembering the box of "Port Rat Poison, from the into cartoon.
"And Toontown," Weiss added.
"That explains why he's such a goofball," Jaune chuckled.
"Put er' there," Port said as he shook Qrow's hand.
A high-pitched buzzing sound was heard as an electric surge travelled up the Qrow's arm. He wrenched his hand from Port's while the latter revealed a hand-buzzer hidden under his finger.
"The hand buzzer. It's still our biggest seller!" Port bragged with a hearty laugh.
Qrow rolled his eyes. "Wacko," he muttered.
"I loved those things when I was a kid!" Ruby chirped.
"Me too!" Nora said happily.
Ren sighed, remembering when Nora once pranked him with a hand-buzzer while they were shopping at a novelty store.
Unamused, Qrow sat down at a table. A penguin waiter approached Qrow with a menu, which Qrow tossed back onto the serving tray without looking at it.
"Scotch on the rocks," Qrow ordered, sending the waiter away. "And I mean ice!"
"He's gonna put rocks in it anyway," Nora predicted with a grin.
"Probably," Ren agreed with his partner.
Back onstage, Neptune played both pianos with his hands and feet until Sun knocked him into his piano and continued the act himself.
"This is hot stuff!" Sun said.
Then, Neptune punched Sun into his piano with a boxing glove and began playing frantically on the grand piano with other props, such as a hammer, and a pair of chickens.
Most of the audience laughed at Sun and Neptune's antics onstage.
"Neptune is just... daffy in this universe," Weiss giggled, unable to refrain from laughing.
"Yeah, but he and Sun can sure play the scales on a piano," Blake complimented.
Behind Neptune, Sun slowly rose up from his own piano with an evil grin and a pair of devil horns on his head. Next to him, a cannon with a lit fuse was aimed directly at Neptune.
Qrow's eyes widened at the scene.
"Uh-oh," Ruby said, her eyes also widening.
"Jeez! Overkill, much?" Jaune stated.
"For humans, maybe. But for toons, that's probably routine," Taiyang laughed.
Sun covered his ears as the cannon fired. The recoil knocked Sun and his piano over while the projectile went though the lid of Neptune's piano, slamming on his head as he started whooping. The audience cheered as two long toon hooks reached in and quickly dragged the two ducks and their pianos off stage.
A few audience members applauded as well. Even little Adrien clapped his little hands.
"That sure ended with a bang," Yang joked.
Taiyang laughed while everyone else groaned at the pun.
"Hey, those ducks are funny!" Port said to Qrow. "They, they never get to finish the act!"
"Right," Qrow replied fully as the waiter returned with his scotch. "Thanks."
Qrow prepared to take a sip, but then noticed the penguin slipped a rock into the scotch.
Everyone laughed or smirked at the penguin's joke.
"He just couldn't resist," Oscar said with a wide grin.
"Smartass penguin," Qrow grumbled.
"Toons..." Qrow muttered in annoyance, licking scotch off his fingers.
"Cigars? Cigarettes?" an offscreen voice said. "Qrow Branwen?"
Qrow turned towards the voice in surprise. "Maria?"
"Hmm?" Maria said curiously.
Maria holding a tray of cigars and cigarettes. She was much younger with shoulder length black hair and wore a dress. She also had a black and white tone instead of full color like other toons.
"Long time, no see," Maria said with a playful wink.
"That's you, Maria?" Ruby asked in surprise.
"Wow. You looked good back in your youth," Oscar complimented.
"Why, thank you. I was quite the beauty," Maria said proudly.
"What are you doing here?" Qrow asked.
"Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to color," Maria lamented as she set the cigar and cigarette tray down.
"That's makes sense," Maria agreed with her counterpart. "Most of the old fashioned toon characters were phased out by the new colored ones."
"But I still got it Qrow," Maria assured before doing a short, cute dance. "Boop-oop-be-doop-boop!"
Qrow smiled warmly. "Yeah. You still got it," he agreed.
"I'll say," Maria praised her counterparts cute little dance.
"It's nice to know he doesn't hate all toons," Taiyang pointed out.
"Aw, that's sweet," Kali cooed.
Suddenly, the overhead lights dimmed and a round of applause and wolf-whistles filled the club. Port doused himself in cologne from a bottle.
Qrow turned to Maria. "What's with him?" he asked.
"Mr. Port never misses a night when Glynda performs," Maria replied.
"He's got a thing for rabbits, huh?" Qrow quipped.
Glynda sputtered. "What?!" she said in disgust.
"Port's got the hots for a cartoon rabbit?" Jaune said slowly, clearly weirded out.
"And most of the male audience by the sound of things," Nora added.
"Okay, that's just...wrong," Yang said while shaking her head.
Port looked at Qrow and gestured excitedly towards the stage. The entire room went silent in anticipation.
Qrow smirked, expecting Glynda's counterpart to be a goofy cartoon rabbit like Ozpin.
Glynda glared daggers at Qrow, dreading the impending humiliation.
A long, slender leg teasingly pair stepped out from behind the curtain, as did an ample pair of breasts clothed in red.
"You had plenty money, 1922," a smooth, throaty voice sang out.
"Huh?" several spectators said in puzzlement.
Qrow's smile faltered. "What the...?" he muttered.
Glynda's glare turned to wide eyed surprise. The voice was clearly hers...but much more alluring.
Glynda Rabbit stepped out from behind the curtain, fully revealing herself.
She was a knockout. Perfect. Tall and with an almost impossibly curvaceous figure. She had long, flowing blonde hair, full red lips, and purple eyeshadow with a side bang covering her right eye. She wore a red, form-fitting, strapless sequin dress that sparkled even in the dim lights of the theater and purple opera gloves.
The men in the audience went wild as they cheered and wolf-whistled at the toon bombshell.
Qrow was completely dumbfounded as he stared at Glynda.
Everyone gaped wide eyed at the screen, especially the men. There were a few soft gasps as well.
Nobody saw had seen it coming from a mile away.
In the back of Oscar's mind, Ozpin was surprised and silent. He subtly was reminded of Salem before her transformation.
"Well...this was unexpected," Ozpin said in Oscar's mind.
"My Oum," Oscar himself whispered.
"She's... beautiful," Ren slipped out, then felt a twinge of guilt when he remembered Nora was seated right next to him.
"Beautiful? She's gorgeous!" Jaune commented.
"She's so... perfect," Terra whispered, prompting a huff from Saphron.
Qrow absent mindedly dropped his flask, his expression matching his counterparts.
Taiyang stared wide-eyed and let out a low wolf whistle.
Glynda's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as her face slowly grew a shade of red deeper than Ruby's cloak. But in the back of her head, she didn't mind the male attention, even if she'd never admit it.
Ruby stared in wonderment, hoping one day she'd be as beautiful as Glynda's counterpart when she grew up.
Ghira ogled Glynda's counterpart until Kali elbowed him in the side with a sharp "Ahem!". She had a murderous look in her eyes.
"Sorry hon," Ghira muttered apologetically, fearing his wife's wrath.
Kali wasn't the only jealous woman. Weiss, Winter, and Blake were more reserved, but still scowled slightly.
Maria felt a twinge of envy put her own counterpart look plain in comparison. Her mechanical eyes narrowed a bit.
"Looking good, Ms. Goodwitch," Yang forced a compliment, but inside she was saying. "Could it be...that she's hotter than I am?! No! Impossible!"
"She's not that hot," Nora grumbled under her breath after overhearing Ren's comment.
The curtains rose, revealing a band of toon crows playing a soft jazz-blues song. Glynda continued singing as she pressed up against a wall.
"You let all the women make a fool of you."
"Why don't you do right, like some other men do."
"Get out of here. Get me some money too."
Everyone listened intently to Glynda's song, seemingly entranced by her smooth throaty voice.
Weiss gazed in envy and admiration. "She's a as good a singer as I am."
Qrow leaned to Maria, his mouth still agape. "She's married to Ozpin Rabbit?" he whispered without taking his eyes off Glynda.
Maria clasped her hands together. "Yeah. What a lucky girl," she replied dreamily.
Maria then shut Qrow's gaping mouth.
The audience was even more befuddled by that statement.
"Lucky girl?!" Taiyang and Qrow said at the same time.
"Is she serious?" Jaune wondered aloud.
"Well... I suppose the funnier a toon is, the more attractive they are considered by other toons," Ren said logically.
"In other words, Ozpin is a male supermodel for his kind," Maria said, sipping a cup of tea.
Glynda sashayed down the narrow, jutting section of the stage the while the audience gazed at her. She continued singing in her husky voice.
"Now if you had prepared twenty years ago. You wouldn't be a-wandering now from door to door."
One spectator stood up, staring transfixed at Glynda. She reached down and gently pushed him back into his seat.
"Why don't you do right, like some other men do?"
"I'd never wash my forehead again if she touched me," Taiyang murmured.
Qrow nodded. "I second that notion," he said.
Glynda reached the end of the stage where Port and Qrow were seated. Port took her by the hand and helped her down. Playfully, Glynda pinched his cheeks. She then took out his handkerchief and rubbed his head with it. Port smiled with delight from her teasing.
"Get out of here. Get me some money too."
Almost everyone in the audience frowned in disgust at the screen while Glynda looked embrassed.
"Get out of here. Get me some money too."
Glynda then slunk onto Qrow's lap. She reached into his trench coat, removed his fedora, tantalizing him before lightly shoving the hat in his face.
"You lucky bastard," Taiyang said to Qrow, the latter having his mouth agape.
Glynda could only watch in shock and contempt for her counterpart. "Hussy. Has she no shame?" she said under her breath.
"Got a thing for toons, Qrow," Winter said with a teasing grin.
"Shut up!" he snapped with a glare.
Glynda then lay down seductively back onto the stage. She sat up and leaned close to Qrow. She pulled him close by his necktie, their lips only an inch apart as she finished her song leaving Qrow speechless and dumbfounded.
"Why don't you do right? Like some other men do-o-o-o-o."
Qrow scowled and snapped his finger. "So close..." he grumbled.
Glynda scoffed indignantly. "What?! Keep dreaming, you drunk," she sneered.
Her hypnotic routine finished, Glynda strutted offstage and back behind the curtains as the audience erupted into applause.
The men in the audience also clapped, much to the jealousy and irritation of the women.
Cut to Port standing outside Glynda's dressing room with a bouquet of roses in his hand. He knocked on the door.
"What is that goon up to now?" Weiss asked, noticing the bouquet.
From behind a nearby corner, Qrow eavesdropped on Port.
"Who is it?" Glynda asked from inside as she opened the door.
"Glynda dear, have no fear, your Peter is here!" Port said jubilantly as he waltzed into the dressing room.
"Wait. Didn't Schnee mention a sugar daddy earlier?" Ghira recalled.
"Wait...him?" Oscar said in shock.
"Ewww!" half the audience said in disgust.
Qrow snuck over to the door and tried to peer in through the keyhole while Port spoke to Glynda, his words muffled through the door.
"You sure murdered 'em again tonight, baby. I really mean it. My darling, you were superb. You absolutely, truly and honestly fashmolyed that audience. You killed them. You slayed them. You belted them into little pieces..."
"Flattery won't get him anywhere," Glynda said irritably as she sipped a glass of white wine.
A large hairy toon hand tapped Qrow on the shoulder. He nervously turned around to face an angry Hazel bearing down on him.
"Uh-oh. Looks like you're busted," Taiyang said worriedly.
"What do you think you're doing, chump?"
"Who are you calling a chump, chimp?" Qrow shot back.
"Buuuuurn," Yang drawled in amusement.
"Probably not a good idea to antagonize him," Winter said cautiously.
"What's he gonna do, throw me out?" Qrow scoffed, then frowned in realization that he had tempted fate.
Cut to the alley. The backstage door opened, and Hazel hurled a screaming Qrow out, sending him crashing into a collection of trashcans.
Taiyang, Winter, and Glynda all laughed while everyone snickered or grinned.
Winter smirked. "Does that answer your question?" she said.
Qrow just frowned more heavily.
"And don't let me catch your peeping face around here again. Got it!" Hazel warned as he returned inside, slamming the door behind him.
Qrow scratched his armpit to mimic a monkey. "Ooga-booga!" he taunted.
Blake giggled. "Good thing Sun isn't here," she commented.
"Now how is he going to get the pictures?" Ruby wondered aloud.
Qrow dusted himself off and prepared to leave empty handed until he spotted a lit window nearby. He approached the window and hoisted himself up to glance inside.
"Come my dear, Glynda," Peter beckoned alluringly. "I'm over here. I've got everything you need, right here, on the bed."
Glynda's eyes widened. "What?" she muttered in befuddlement.
"Cover your ears, Ruby," Yang ordered her sister.
"Yang, knock it off," Ruby chided in annoyance. "I'm not a baby. I'm almost eighteen."
"She's right, Yang. Stop babying her," Taiyang scolded, causing Yang to sigh.
"Oh, not tonight, Peter. I have a headache," Glynda complained.
Qrow dropped down from the windowsill, grabbed a box, and set it at the base of the window to stand on it. He took out his camera while Port and Glynda conversed inside.
"But Glynda! You promised," Port begged.
"Oh... alright," Glynda gave in. "But this time take off that hand buzzer."
There was a short pause before the following exchange started.
"Patty cake! Patty cake! Patty cake, patty cake..."
"Oh!" Glynda moaned softly.
"Patty-cake," Adrien babbled happily, having played the game with his mothers.
Terra and Saphron couldn't help but snicker at their son's innocence.
Glynda massaged her temples in exasperation, while Qrow snickered and opened his mouth to say something.
A purple aura surrounded Glynda as he stared dangerously at Qrow. "Don't. Say. A word!" she warned, forcing Qrow to shut up.
Everyone was taken-aback by the normally composed Glynda's sudden show of aggression.
Qrow snapped a few photos while Glynda and Port continued, the moans growing louder.
"Patty cake, patty cake..."
"Peter! Oh!"
"Patty cake! Patty cake! Patty cake! Patty cake!"
"Oh Peter!"
Finished with his photography, Qrow's eyes widened. "You gotta be kidding me," he muttered in shock.
"I wish he was," Glynda sighed, feeling even more embarrassed.
Weiss shook her head. "So, she is having an affair after all," she said in disapproval.
Kali frowned. "Ozpin's going to be heartbroken," she predicted, her cat ears lowering in sorrow.
Cut to Schnee's office in Hollywood. A despondent Ozpin was shaking the blinds of Schnee's window while crying. Jacques and Qrow watched.
"Patty cake! Patty cake! I don't believe it!" Ozpin sobbed hysterically.
Everyone gazed in pity at Ozpin's counterpart.
"You were right, honey," Ghira said sadly.
Ozpin sat down at Jacque's desk and began pounding his head against it.
"Patty cake! Patty cake!" he blubbered. "Is that true?
"Take comfort, son. You're not the first man whose wife played patty cake on him," Jacques said as he removed a handkerchief from his breast pocket.
Jacque handed Ozpin the handkerchief which the rabbit blew his nose into vigorously. He then handed it back, dripping wet, and Jacques handed it to Qrow in disgust.
"Ew," Weiss said with a slight wince.
"At least he's a much nicer person than our real father ever was," Winter pointed out.
"I just don't believe it. I won't believe it. I can't believe it. I shan't believe it!" Ozpin denied dramatically.
Qrow dropped the wet hanky into a waste bin with a splash.
"I hope you remember to wash your hands later, uncle Qrow," Yang giggled.
"Absolutely," Qrow agreed with his niece.
"Believe it kid. I took the pictures myself," Qrow confirmed as he handed the pictures to Ozpin. "She played patty cake."
Ozpin glanced at the black and white photos, showing Port and Glynda literally playing patty-cake.
There was a short pause before most of the audience chuckled. They were grateful that the photos weren't as sexually graphic as they expected.
"Thank Oum," Qrow said in relief, never wanting to see Port "play patty cake" with a woman.
"So, they meant it literally," Ozpin said internally, causing Oscar to nod slowly with an amused grin.
Weiss groaned lightly. "We should have known," she said.
Glynda also sighed with relief. While she respected Peter Port as a colleague, she'd never want to "play patty-cake" with him.
"No... not my Glynda! Not patty cake. This is impossible!" Ozpin said hysterically as he flicked through the pictures so fast, they resembled a motion picture. "I don't believe it. It can't be. It just can't be!"
"What's the big deal? All they did was play patty-cake," Ruby said, not quite getting the subtle innuendo.
"Well... going by toon logic, that could be the equivalent of sexual intercourse," Ren reasoned.
"Glynda's my wife! It's absolutely impossible!" Ozpin denied as he threw the pictures away. "Glynda's the light of my life, the apple of my eye, the cream in my coffee."
"You better start drinking it black, 'cause Port's taking the cream now," Qrow quipped as he took a swig of whiskey.
"Now your making bad jokes?" Winter chastised Qrow.
"Yeah. The poor guy just learned his wife is having an affair," Terra added while glaring at Qrow.
Qrow shrugged. "No point in sugarcoating it. He's gotta face the facts," he reasoned.
"Hard to believe. Peter Port's been my friend and neighbor for 30 years," Jacques said. "Who would have thought he was a sugar daddy?"
"Somebody must have made her do it," Ozpin reasoned.
"What does he mean by that? Blackmail?" Oscar guessed.
"Maybe. Or she's a gold digger and Port offered her something bigger,"
"Either is a possibility," Ozpin said internally.
Jacques took the liquor bottle from Qrow, to the latter's annoyance, and poured a drink for Ozpin. "Now, drink this son. It'll make you feel better," he said as he handed the glass to Ozpin.
"There are better ways to deal with grief than alcohol," Kali said in disapproval.
Ozpin gulped down the whiskey then tossed the glass aside. Next, he spasmed and babbled as his eyes bulged out and his face shifted to a variety of different colors. He vibrated heavily as if ready to explode.
"What's happening to him?" Nora asked worriedly.
"I don't know, but it's going to be bad," Ren answered.
Ozpin then rocketed into the air, his head morphing to the shape of a steam whistle as he emitted a loud whistling sound so high pitched that it shattered all of the glass in the room including the whiskey held by Qrow, splashing whiskey all over him.
Everyone winced or covered their ears in discomfort from the sound. Even Adrien and Zwei both whined.
"Gah! It's like nails on a chalkboard!" Taiyang shouted.
"Make him stop! Make him stop!" Blake cried, her sensitive cat ears ringing from the sound.
Finally, the whistling stopped and Ozpin landed hard back into the chair.
"Thanks, I needed that," Ozpin slurred with bloodshot eyes before slamming his head back onto the desk.
"What the hell was that?" Qrow said in perplexity.
"You'd think he'd just drank an entire bottle of hot sauce,"
"I guess he really can't hold his booze," Jaune assumed.
"Yeah. What a lightweight," Yang agreed with a giggle.
Qrow shook the liquor off his hands. "Son of a bitch..." he muttered as he approached Jacques. "Look, Mr. Schnee, I think my work here is finished. How about that carrot you owe me, huh?"
"A deal's a deal," Jacques conceded, handing Qrow the check.
"Great. Thanks."
"I can't blame him for wanting to call it quits after that," Taiyang agreed with Qrow's counterpart.
Jacques approached the grieving Ozpin and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Ozpin. I know all this seems pretty painful now," Jacques comforted. "But you'll find someone new. Won't he, Mr. Branwen?"
"Yeah, sure. A good-looking guy like that," Qrow agreed with a chuckle. "Dames will be breaking down his door."
"Yeah! Any toon girl would sell their soul to be with Ozpin," Nora agreed with Qrow's counterpart.
"I know my counterpart would," Maria said, remembering her counterparts earlier praise.
Suddenly, Ozpin snapped. "Dames? What dames?!" he shouted as he grabbed Qrow by the collar and forced him onto the desk. "Glynda's the only one to me! You'll see. We'll rise above this pickling peccadillo! We're going to be happy again. You got that? Happy! Capital H-A-P-P-I!"
With that, Ozpin dashed out of the office through the window, leaving a rabbit-shaped hole in both the blinds and glass. His rapid footsteps could be heard fading away outside as he ran off.
"Whoa! He's kinda scary when he's angry," Ruby said in an unnerved tone.
"That didn't sound too good," Terra said cautiously.
Winter nodded. "It's as if he was saying if can't have her, nobody can," she said.
"And he misspelled happy," Ren concluded, eliciting a few chuckles from the audience.
Qrow and Jacques approached the hole in the window and stared out, dumbstruck.
"Well, at least he took it well," Qrow sighed.
The blinds fell down with a crash.
"He calls that taking it well?" Jaune said in confusion.
"I think it could have gone much better," Weiss added, sipping a cup of lemon tea.
Outside, a distraught Ozpin walked across the street in front of Port factory. He sat down atop a crate outside the factory, he pulled out his wallet.
Glynda could only rub her arm in discomfort, feeling ashamed of her counterparts adultery.
Ozpin sighed wistfully, reminded of his own heartbreak when Salem turned evil.
Taiyang gazed down in sadness as he looked back on when Raven left, although it wasn't as bad as Ozpins situation.
Zwei noticed Taiyangs sorrow and licked his face in comfort.
Ozpin gazed sadly at his personal photographs of him and Glynda together.
"Oh, Glynda..." Ozpin croaked out. "Please tell me it's not true..."
One of the photos showed Ozpin and Glynda on their wedding day, the next showed the two of them on their on a beach in Menagerie, and the last was of the two of them embracing each other at a bar.
Many of the female audience members felt tears well in their eyes in sorrow. They sniffled in empathy towards Ozpins heartbreak.
"P-p-p-p-pllllease!" Ozpin weakly sputtered his catchphrase as he continued crying.
"He's still trying to do his catchphrase," Ghira pointed out solemnly.
"A sad clown," Maria said, referencing a classic play. "No matter what happens, the show must go on."
Kali wiped a tear away. "How can it go on when he's gone all to pieces," she said.
Back at Qrow's apartment. The detective's silhouette appeared at the front door of his office. Letters that read "Branwen and Branwen. Private Investigators" were written on the frosted glass.
Qrow entered the dark apartment and clicked on the lights. He hung up his hat and tossed his trench coat onto a fold-out bed. The apartment was in a disorganized state.
"My counterpart has seen better days by the looks of it," Qrow deducted from the state of his home.
Qrow removed some photographs hanging from a clothesline. They were pictures from Winter's camera that were on the same roll of film that he used to expose Glynda's adultery.
Sitting at his desk, Qrow happily flipped through the photos. They showed him and Winter on a beach during their trip to Patch.
"Looks like pictures from their trip to Patch," Ruby pointed out.
"Yes. But for the life of me, I still don't know why," Winter sighed.
"The feeling's mutual," Qrow grumbled.
Then his smile vanished as he turned to the next photograph, his lip quivering. Qrow and Raven were shown happily sitting on a beach and playing ukeleles. Qrow's eyes glazed, as if on the verge of tears.
"The poor guy misses Raven dearly," Kali said.
"She was a much better person in this universe, I take it," Taiyang assumed.
"It seems that way," Yang said with uncertainty.
The camera panned away from Qrow, revealing the double desk Raven's dusty side and empty chair. It hadn't been touched in years.
The camera then panned over a series of newspaper articles. A newspaper headline from the Vale Chronicle during the good old days in Toontown: "Branwen and Branwen Crack Nephew Kidnapping - Neptune's Returned, Family Celebrates with Monster Party - All of Toontown Joins Celebrations," and "Jaune Cleared of Spy Charges - Evidence of Branwen and Branwen Decisive."
Jaune cocked his brow. "I'm a toon too?" he said.
"And you were cleared of spy charges, thanks to Qrow," Ren pointed out with a smile.
"You must have been one hell of a detective," Taiyang praised.
Qrow shook his head. "Yeah. But now, I'm just a washed up has been," he lamented.
The camera also focused on a few framed pictures. One of them was a photo of the Qrow and Raven graduating from the V.P.D. Academy, showing both of them wearing clown make-up: "New Clowns on the Beat".
Yang and Ruby giggled at seeing Qrow and Raven wearing clown makeup.
"Looks like he used to be much more jovial until Raven was killed," Blake noted as he munched on some anchovies.
"He used to love helping toons, and now he hates them," Nora said sadly.
Another photograph showed Raven and Qrow with a ten-year old Yang at a park.
Yang, Taiyang and Qrow all frowned sadly as they gazed at the photo.
Yang actually teared up a bit, wishing this version of Raven was her mother instead of the real one who abandoned her.
Ruby patted her sister on the shoulder in comfort.
The last photograph depicted Qrow, Raven, and Winter in front of their new "Branwen Branwen" business while drinking champagne toast and the: "Two Flatfoots a Floozy Go Into Business" written on the bottom.
"Floozy?" Winter scoffed, offended.
Cut to the next morning. Qrow lay passed out over his desk with an empty liquor bottle in his hand.
"He didn't even bother sleeping in his bed," Winter said, not at all surprised.
"Passing out at your desk like that, Qrow? It can't be good for you," Taiyang scolded.
"I've passed out in worse places," Qrow responded. "Besides, after all he's been through, can you blame his drinking habits?"
Someone behind Qrow reached over and snatched the bottle out of his hand.
"Who's that?" Ruby asked.
Qrow kept snoring as the person lifted a wastebin and tossed the bottle inside with a crash. Qrow woke up with a start and looked up groggily as the camera panned to reveal James Ironwood dressed in a grey suit. The irritated police lieutenant tossed the wastebin to the floor.
"Lieutenant Ironwood," Qrow said, smiling. "Where'd you come from?"
"Oh, great. Jimmy's here again," Qrow snarked.
"So, he's your superior?" Winter smugly realized.
Ironwood walked around Qrow's desk with the pictures of Glynda and Port in hand. "Gee whiz, Qrow. If you needed money so bad, why didn't you come to me?
"So I took a couple of dirty pictures. So kill me," Qrow defended as he poured some scotch into his coffee mug.
"I already have a stiff on my hands, thank you!" Ironwood replied.
"A stiff? What does that mean?" Ruby questioned.
"It's police slang for a murder," Taiyang replied grimly.
"Huh?" Qrow said questionably.
"Peter Port. The rabbit cacked him last night," Ironwood informed.
Qrow was shocked. "What?!" he asked.
Everyone gasped sharply in disbelief.
"No way!" Oscar said, shaking his head.
"It can't be!" Nora shouted in denial.
"He couldn't have been that angry," Jaune reasoned.
"Hmmm," Ozpin hummed internally, remembering the title of the film.