A plethora of nightmare scenarios and horrible realities played themselves out before the young man that could die, but not stay dead.
Torn open at the hands of the Bowel Hunter, mere hours after being taken far from home without any warning.
Crushed to death in the mansion by a massive flail, unaware of the looming danger of the nearby village.
Failing to protect Emilia from Petelgeuse and the Witch's Cult, succumbing to the fury Puck unleashed as a result.
The rabbits.
Getting sliced from waist to shoulder from Reinhardt's blow, along with everyone in Pristella's square.
The madness that drove him and his party to turn on each other beneath the Augurian Sand Dunes.
The repeated assassinations in Guaral, after being once again moved so far away from the place he had learned to call home.
All of these memories raced through Natsuki Subaru's mind, a highlight reel of all his failures and shortcomings flashing before his eyes as he lay still on his back, unable to move or react. He shook his head and kicked out, squeezing his eyes closed in an attempt to reject his collective past and shut everything out.
?: "Subaru? Subaru, wake up! You're having a bad dream, I suppose!"
Subaru: "Ghk-"
A familiar voice called out to him, petite hands on his shoulders shook him back and forth to snap him out of his fear-stricken state.
Subaru opened his eyes in a panic and quickly sat up in his bed, realizing that he had just woken up from another nightmare. The one waking him up jumped at his sudden motion, but quickly calmed down when she realized when he was awake and aware.
Beatrice, his loyal contracted spirit and dear companion in life, glanced over his waking form, her soft features wracked with concern. No matter how many times she's had to wake him up like this, she could never get used to the sight of her contractor in such a panicked and helpless state. Subaru looked around at different spots in his room for a few moments before he fixed his attention to his side to meet her distraught face.
Now that she had his attention, Beatrice rose to her knees so she could be eye-level with the troubled young man sitting next to her, sitting on her heels while she reached out with both arms to grab one of his hands.
Beatrice: "You're safe now. Betty is here, in fact."
She used both hands to squeeze his palm with all her might, which didn't amount to much coming from someone of Beatrice's stature, but she knew it was enough to keep his focus. He blinked at her, still mentally awakening from the realm of his night terrors.
Beatrice: "We spent all of yesterday repairing the obstacle course, and today is your day off, in fact! Well, it will be your day off when the sun rises, I suppose."
Ever since she had started to frequently share a bed with Subaru, Beatrice had begun to keep tabs on the events of the prior day, as well as plans for the next day, to repeat aloud in case he woke up like this. He had told her that being reminded of what just transpired and what was yet to come helps keep him grounded and set in the present, but that was only half of the full truth.
The other way it helped was by confirming that the sudden, jarring feeling that came from waking up his nightmares was just that, and not the result of Return by Death. As much as he wanted to reveal his secret, to share his burdens with the one person he had promised to coexist with, he knew he had to keep the true source of his nightmares under wraps.
Even from Beatrice.
Despite the tight grip on his hand, Subaru nonetheless raised his hand to pat the top of her head. Eventually she loosened her grip and let her hands fall to her sides, relieved that the young man she cared so much about was coming around.
Subaru: "I'm okay now. Thank you, Beako."
He forced a smile to put her at ease.
Subaru: "Sorry to worry you so much."
Beatrice: "Hmph. So long as Subaru is fine, then Betty doesn't mind, I suppose."
Subaru just smiled wider in response, tussling her hair in admiration of her cuteness and her consideration. She tolerated it for a few seconds, until her face began to flush redder and redder until her maiden's heart could take it no longer.
Beatrice: "GAAAH! That's enough, in fact!"
Subaru: "Hehehe... Beako is so cute when she's flustered."
Beatrice: "And Subaru is a big, airheaded- Eh?"
Just as she was about to reciprocate his teasing, Beatrice noticed the absent look in her contractor's eyes. Though he was looking at the hand that continued to pat her head, his gaze seemed out of focus, as if he was lost in thought instead of perceiving what was in front of him.
Unfortunately, she recognized this glazed look in his sanpakugan eyes, her artificial heart beginning to pick up in pace, frantically thinking for the right thing to say. But before she could speak her mind, she felt Subaru shift his weight to swing his legs off the side of the mattress to stand up. He took a few steps forward before he looked back at her with the same forced smile.
Subaru: "I'm going to get a glass of water, I'll be right back."
Beatrice: "Hk-! W-Wait, let Betty come with you!"
The vacant look in his eyes was gone, yet Beatrice still worried.
Subaru: "Hm?"
For a brief moment, Subaru's eyes widened as if he were surprised to hear her ask to accompany him, even though they had gone practically everywhere together for over a year now. And yet-
Subaru: "Ah. Don't sweat it, Beako! I'll bring a glass back for you too."
Beatrice: "That isn't-"
Before she could finish her thought, Subaru had already turned and hastily walked towards the door and left the room. Before he left her line of sight, Beatrice could see his hand reach for the opposite arm, and he began to slowly scratch himself just as he turned into the hallway.
Beatrice frowned before sighing to herself, flopping back onto her side of the bed to await her partner's return. She greatly anticipated an upcoming need for healing magic.
She sighed again.
"Keep going Subaru! I know you can do it!"
"You're almost there, in fact!"
Hearing the motivational cheers from two of the women closest to him in life, Natsuki Subaru grit his teeth and focused his resolve on the task at hand. Grabbing a rope to swing across makeshift scaffolding, descending parallel walls, and finally running down the final stretch of woods, Subaru cleared the space between the two large trees he had marked as the finish line. Emilia placed her hand on the magic time crystal to stop the timer's progress.
Subaru: "Time!"
Emilia: "Forty-three seconds!"
Subaru: "Hell yeah, new record!"
Subaru clasped his hands together in accomplishment, spun in place and struck his signature pose. Emilia and Beatrice sat on a picnic-style bench adjacent to the finish line, watching as Subaru ran the obstacle course for the first time since its tune-up.
Beatrice: "Perhaps for you, but Garfiel's record of twenty-one seconds still stands strong. You'd have to cut your new record in half just to match that time, in fact."
Subaru spun in place and struck the exact same pose.
Subaru: "No way in hell am I comparing my record to Garf's! This is a Natsuki Subaru personal victory!"
Emilia: "Well I'm proud of your growth, Subaru. Please continue to work hard!"
Subaru: "Ah, motivation from my favorite source of E.M.T.! I'm honored! No, more than honored! I'm enamored! Hm, does that word work here?"
Emilia: "Subaru, you're saying reaaally strange things again. I swear, sometimes I think half the things you say are just random fiddle-faddle you make up on the spot."
Subaru: "Eh, who says 'fiddle-faddle' anymore?"
Beatrice: "Hopeless, I suppose."
Emilia shrugged, Subaru quipped, and the greater spirit huffed at the ever-present communication gap between the two, wondering to herself when they would grow up already. Beatrice was getting quite tired of these two exchanging the bare minimum of what could be considered flirting. Nearly every day since Subaru's return from Vollachia, the half-elf and her knight had begun spending more and more time together each day, allotting as much of their free time during the day to be in each other's company. Beatrice didn't much care for their back and forth, but as long as Subaru was happy then-
Emilia: "Ah! Subaru, you're bleeding!"
Subaru: "Hm?"
Beatrice perked her head up at those words and immediately locked on to the source of the outburst.
A few trails of crimson were visibly trailing up the back of his right hand. He raised his other hand to check, and sure enough there was blood smeared around the cuff of his jacket with a few drops more that had made it to his palm.
Subaru: "Ah-"
Emilia: "Subaru, are you hurt? You didn't bump into anything though. And you didn't fall over either..."
Subaru: "I don't- I mean I… I don't..."
Beatrice: "Subaru! You've gone and done it now, I suppose!"
Subaru had already begun to stutter as he struggled to come up with a response to Emilia's deductions. When Beatrice spoke up to interject, hopping out of her seat to walk over to him, he hoped she had thought of a way out of this.
Beatrice: "I apologize Lady Emilia, but it seems the careless movements of your knight have caused old wounds to reopen, in fact."
She grabbed onto the side of his jacket as she walked by him and kept going, passing Emilia and leading him on a path back to the mansion.
Beatrice: "Now if you will, please excuse Betty and her fool of a contractor. Betty will heal his wounds and get him cleaned up, I suppose."
Emilia: "Wait, I should-"
Subaru: "It's no big deal, Emilia-tan. Just a few old cuts and scrapes from my time in Vollachia is all!"
Emilia's face softened just a bit while Subaru continued to be led by Beatrice. He had a bad habit of hiding things that he thought might upset her, so she would usually press him a bit more, but his spirit was making that difficult.
Subaru: "Don't worry, Beako will have me fixed up in no time! You have to go back to your studies anyway, right? I'll come get you at the start of Water Time, we can hang out 'till dinner is ready!"
Emilia hesitated. It definitely felt like he was trying to casually downplay the situation, but seeing blood trickle down from both his sleeves like that didn't instill her confidence in his claims. Still, he had Beatrice who would make sure he was properly tended to. There was also the fact that Emilia was already taking a longer break than she should, eager to make time for Subaru on his day away from performing his (and most of Ram's) daily duties around the mansion and for the Emilia Camp.
Emilia: "I mean… I guess that's alright but-"
Subaru: "What? Sorry Emilia-tan, I can't hear you from over there! We'll talk later!"
Subaru used the increasing distance between them to break away from the topic while keeping up with Beatrice's hurried pace, keeping his hands raised to avoid any dripping for when they stepped into the mansion. The last thing he wanted was to create any extra work for the cleaning staff, nor did he want to draw their attention to this matter.
One of the big ones to avoid was Frederica, who would undoubtedly show concern for his well-being like the older sister that she was. She was a kindhearted person by nature, but ever since Garfiel started looking up to him as a role model, Subaru had seen her give a small nod or a smile of appreciation from time to time. She gave the impression that he could come to her if he ever had any problems, but as the head maid of the Roswaal estate she already had too much on her plate for Subaru to even consider bothering her.
Another one to look out for was Petra, who would only worry more about him than she already did. From the extremely short stop between Pristella and the Pleiades Watchtower expedition, to receiving the news that everyone had returned from the Pleiades trip except for Rem and Subaru, the young maid had become increasingly concerned with Subaru's safety. She had begun habitually insisting on accompanying Subaru on any excursions he made outside the mansion, even going as far as trying to get assigned tasks that would overlook wherever he happened to be working that day. The last thing he needed was to give Petra another reason to fuss over him.
Finally, there was Ram. In the past, all he had to worry about from Ram was complaints that he was putting extra work on her shoulders and that he should kindly reconsider his life choices. However, ever since their joint efforts in Pleiades and his return from Vollachia with her sister safe and sound, their found-family brother-sister relationship had improved. While they still bickered with one another and occasionally pressed each other's buttons, their sharp words carried less venom and they infrequently checked in on each other, sometimes even discussing the people in their lives over tea. Out of all the maids, she would be the most insistent on getting to the bottom of the issue.
Thankfully for the knight and spirit duo, the most direct path back to Subaru's room had no foot traffic this time of day, allowing them to slip through the mansion unnoticed until they reached his room, at which point Beatrice put a hand on his butt and shoved him in, then closed the door and locked it behind them.
Beatrice: "You're an idiot!"
Subaru: "I know."
Beatrice: "No, you DON'T know! You always say you do but you don't, in fact! Do you even realize how much you hurt Betty's maiden heart when she sees you like this, I wonder?"
Subaru paused.
Subaru: "I...guess I didn't."
He walked over to the foot of his bed and sat down, bringing his wrists up to his face so he could inspect the blood stains on the cuffs of his tracksuit.
Subaru: "Betty, I really am sorry for all this. I'm just a real moron sometimes, you know?"
He turned his head to avert his gaze from meeting her scalding butterfly pupils.
Beatrice: "Hmph. Betty knows this better than anyone, I suppose. But, since you are still Betty's Subaru, you can count on Betty to help ease your burdens, in fact. Now take off your jacket."
Subaru's heart sang when Beatrice spoke her feelings to him, but his mood dipped a bit when he knew what had to come next. Much like her mana-draining, healing magic requires skin-to-skin contact in order to work effectively, meaning he had to bare his injured arms before one of the ladies in his life that loved him the most.
He made a face of defeat and shame as he unzipped his track jacket and withdrew his arms through the sleeves, slipping out and tossing it into the open closet. He didn't even want to peek at the bloodied insides of his sleeves, but he still had to face the sad state of his arms. It definitely would've been smarter to let the scratches from last night heal a bit more before trying to impress Emilia by beating his old obstacle course time. But alas, Subaru couldn't help but to do everything he could to see that girl smile, even if it comes at his own expense.
In short, they both looked a mess. There were scratches and mismatched scars littered up the length of his forearms, the most recent tears in his skin outshined the healed-over ones that looked to be at least several months older. The bleeding had mostly stopped by this point, so all that remained of the recent cuts was dried blood and a few smears.
Subaru: "Gross…"
Beatrice: "And whose fault is th- Ack! What do you think you're doing!?"
Subaru: "Hm? What did I- oh god dammit!"
Without thinking, Subaru had begun wiping his arms on his black t-shirt, as if he had too much water on his hands after washing the dishes. Not only did he ruin his otherwise clean shirt, but the rough movements against his recently-closed scratches caused some of the wounds to reopen again.
Beatrice: "How many times does Betty need to call you an idiot before the lesson sinks in, I wonder!? Take that off too, I suppose!"
Beatrice threw her hands up in the air in disbelief of his incompetence, though she blushed at her last remark, just now realizing she had been ordering her contractor to remove one piece of clothing after another. But to Subaru, this was just a routine tune-up from his spirit companion.
Pulling his shirt over his head and disposing of it in a similar fashion as his jacket, his entire torso was now as bare as his arms. While there were no recent injuries to his midsection, his belly scar from Elsa was still visible, as were the several bite marks from the Ulgarm horde. There was also evidence of various cuts, scrapes, stabs, and bludgeonings he had taken over his time in this amazing, yet dangerous new world. Beatrice still got somewhat flustered seeing Subaru's exposed chest, even when he changed he would let her know so she could turn around and face the other way, but this was a special case where playful flirting would have to wait.
She walked over to sit on the bed on his right side. He offered the arm closest to her, wrists facing up so that the bulk of his wounds on top didn't face her. She placed one hand over his arm and her other hand beneath, then started to focus her mana reserves into her hands, patching up her partner's self-inflicted wounds.
Healing magic is an extremely handy ability to have on retainer, the underlying effect of which being the acceleration of the body's natural healing process through the application of magic. This meant that, like any injury that would heal over time, these would eventually leave scars that could last several months, maybe years or even more. Which meant-
Subaru: "...Hey, Beatrice."
The spirit girl gasped in surprise, shocked to hear him call her by her full name. He almost exclusively called her 'Beako' or 'Betty', the only times he called her 'Beatrice' was when he was introducing her by her full title to others, or whenever he was in serious or dire situations.
Subaru: "When you're done here, I need you to… um…"
Beatrice cocked her head and narrowed her eyes as she continued to heal. Whenever he stammered like this, it typically meant he was about to say something very embarrassing or something incredibly stupid.
Subaru: "After I'm healed, but before I meet up with Emilia, I need you to go ask Frederica for some makeup."
Ah, a little bit of both today. Her tiredness of her contractor's antics was showing on her face.
Subaru: "I know I'm asking a lot, but Emilia is almost definitely going to ask to see my arms to make sure I'm alright, so if you can get me some concealer or foundation I might be able to get by for tonight. If Frederica asks, just say you wanted to experiment with some of the basics."
Beatrice: "You're asking Betty to lie, I suppose?"
Subaru: "You don't have to lie, just… be vague about it. Maybe say there are blemishes that need to be covered or something, that's technically true. Ah, but you gotta downplay it if she asks to help out, make it seem like it's not a big deal."
Beatrice: "You're so scared to ask for help it's pathetic, in fact!"
Subaru: "I'm asking you for help, aren't I?"
Beatrice: "That's- Nng!"
While Beatrice prided herself in being the one Subaru could disclose most of his secrets to, this also meant that she took it upon herself to guard those secrets in the same manner as the Forbidden Library; she would follow through with what was asked of her by the ones she cares about the most, even if their requests were against her better judgement.
Beatrice: "Fine. Betty will do it, I suppose."
She pouted, upset that she allowed herself to get strung along with Subaru's path of self-abuse. As his contracted spirit they were bound to each other through thick and thin, and that came with a certain level of confidentiality between the two that neither would betray the other's trust. If Subaru trusted Beatrice and only Beatrice with this knowledge, as long as his life wasn't in immediate danger, she had no right to divulge his secrets with others.
A few beats went by after her response as the healing continued. Neither of them spoke up as his scratch marks closed and started to blend in with his natural skin tone, though the discolored scar tissue would always stand out.
Beatrice: "How long do you intend on keeping up this nasty habit of yours, I wonder?"
Subaru grimaced as he cast his empty gaze towards the floor between his feet.
Subaru: "I don't know. I just... I don't know..."
He sounded defeated when those last few words tumbled out, sinking his head even lower. Beatrice made a sad pout as she inspected the side of his face.
Subaru: "I want to get better Betty, I really do. But I can't focus on getting better while Emilia still suspects something. So long as she doesn't find out, then I can focus on myself."
Beatrice: "WHY, I WONDER!?"
Beatrice trembled as she yelled. Subaru could feel her strained emotions through the side effect of her healing magic. He stayed silent, he didn't dare look her in the eyes.
Beatrice: "Tell me! Why do you put what Emilia thinks of you over your own health!?"
Subaru: "Because!"
Subaru finally perked his head up to look his spirit in the eye. His expression started as serious, then rapidly melted back to his previous sullen face.
Subaru: "Because… I don't want Emilia to see me- her knight- as a failure. If I can't live up to what's expected of me, if I can't help the people who have come to put their faith in me, then what good am I?"
Beatrice felt like she wanted to cry. The man she cared about most in the world already had such an inferiority complex, combine that with a negative conscience wracked with several guilts and doubts, and Natsuki Subaru becomes his own worst enemy.
She wanted to say something, anything to let him know that nobody is asking him to be perfect. She wanted to stop her healing so she could hold him tight and not let go until he felt loved and appreciated. She wanted to hold his hand, not to drain his mana, but to relive the moment their contract was made, where he had promised to make up for her 400 years of loneliness. She wanted to tell him that she wants him to be as happy as he makes her.
That's what Beatrice would've done, had the door to the room not been kicked open by the one person in the mansion capable of embrittling a lock by freezing it solid. Subaru and Beatrice both jumped in their seats at the sound of the sudden intrusion, but their collective blood ran cold when they saw who caused it. Sanpakugan eyes and butterfly pupils fixated onto amethyst irises, neither knew what to do when caught red-handed like they were.
Emilia lowered her leg from her kicking stance, allowing the duo that made up the half-elf's knight to see the somber expression on her face. She stood there observing their expressions for a few moments before she started to walk towards them, not saying a word as she moved. She sat down next to Subaru's vacant left side, looking down at her lap instead of meeting the duo's gaze.
A few moments passed before Subaru realized what she was waiting for. He raised his left arm in the same fashion as his right, letting Emilia commence her healing magic in parallel to Beatrice. Subaru mentally cursed himself for not being left-handed, upset that his right hand had inflicted more wounds upon his left arm rather than vice versa, leaving Emilia with the more damaged of the two sides.
As Subaru was to be healed on both sides, he took notice of the different emotional profiles coming from the ladies tending to him. Beatrice's healing magic gave off vibes of routine maintenance, the feeling of someone who has done this several times before yet still carried a weight of sadness. Emilia's on the other hand was fluttered with feelings of care and adoration, but each wave of positive emotions was entwined with confusion and self-doubt.
Now it was Subaru who felt like he wanted to cry. Most of his life he had lived his life with the knowledge that all the choices he made affected him and only him. It was at the Royal Selection hearing that Subaru learned that if he chose to represent Emilia, the actions he made would reflect on her as well. It was today when he learned that even the things he kept behind closed doors would eventually come back to hurt the people he cared for most in this world. While thinking like this didn't help with his low self-esteem, he felt like scum for making such kind-hearted girls sad because of what he did to himself.
Emilia: "So… How long has this been going on?"
Subaru: "..!"
Beatrice: "..!"
Emilia broke the silence and Subaru's toxic train of thought, proposing a question he and his spirit froze at the sound of. While Emilia was still fixated on the arm she was healing, Subaru glanced at Beatrice out of the corner of his eyes, hoping she had a way to smooth-talk their way out of this. All she could give was a concerned look and a shrug as she continued healing him, telling him with her facial expression that he may as well come clean instead of making things worse with more lies.
Subaru: "Since… Since a little bit after Sanctuary."
Emilia: "Hk-"
Emilia hiccupped to hold back a reaction, heartbroken to discover that her knight had been hurting himself intentionally for over a year now and she had only just found out about it. What's worse, the spirit she had come to trust, especially when it came to the young man they mutually admired, had left her completely in the dark. The fact that Subaru felt like he couldn't confide in her about any of this hurt her deeply.
Emilia: "I- see…"
The three sat there in silence for what was in reality only a minute or two, but the faint hum of healing magic being the only sound in the room made time feel like it was crawling by its fingertips. No one dared break the mounting tension, even Emilia felt like she hadn't read the mood properly when she asked her question. They all patiently let the seconds pass by until something worth mentioning happened.
Beatrice: "Hm. This side is done, I suppose."
Within a relatively short amount of time, Beatrice had completed the healing on Subaru's right side. He bent his wrist back and forth and closed his grip a few times, making sure the wounds wouldn't reopen so easily again. Any indication of blood had been cleared away. All that remained was a new set of scars on top of the existing ones from months prior.
Subaru: "Thank you, Beatrice."
Emilia: "Yes, thank you Beatrice."
There was a hint of salt behind the way Emilia spoke, as if there was truth behind her words with a hint of underlying sarcasm. Beatrice knew she must be upset with her. Keeping this all a secret was her duty as a contracted spirit, but she did feel remorse for not being able to adhere to her and Emilia's informal agreement of cooperation towards supporting Subaru's wellbeing. One could even argue that keeping this dark truth hidden was a violation of that agreement.
But Emilia knew that Beatrice was only following the rules of her Spirit Contract with Subaru, so she didn't hold it against her. Not too much, anyways.
Emilia: "Beatrice."
Beatrice: "Ack! Y-Yes?"
Beatrice was caught off guard when she heard her name get spoken so softly by someone other than Subaru.
Emilia: "I saw Petra trying to get Meili to help out in the garden. Could you please lend her a hand?"
Beatrice: "Hmm…"
The Great Spirit knew that the half-elf was trying to get rid of her. She didn't want to leave Subaru alone at a time like this, but she also didn't want to feel like she was overstaying her welcome between the lady and her knight. She snuck a glance at Subaru, who was still looking down to the ground, contemplating the situation he had ultimately put himself in.
Emilia: "Please, Beatrice? I need some alone time with my knight."
Those words triggered a mixed reaction throughout Subaru's brain. On any other day he would've been dancing on clouds at the sound of that sentence, but in this moment it was one of the most dreadful feelings imaginable. He mentally prayed for Beatrice to come up with something, anything that would prevent him from facing the music alone. But-
Beatrice: "If Lady Emilia is the one who is asking, Betty will go assist the young maid, I suppose."
Beatrice gave Subaru one last glance, who begged with his scary eyes not to leave, but regardless she hopped off the bed and moved towards the door with the kicked-in lock. She stepped through the door and was about to walk out of the room, but she stopped.
Beatrice: "Betty will be back around dinnertime to collect her contractor. Please have him presentable and ready by then, I suppose."
Emilia: "Understood."
Beatrice didn't turn around and Emilia didn't look up during the exchange, both remained focused on their respective tasks at hand. With her final thoughts on the matter said, Beatrice resumed walking and closed the half-frozen door handle as best she could, leaving the knight and his master to themselves.
Subaru remained still and quiet. He knew he was in no condition to make any sort of demands, but he did make a mental note to thank Beatrice for setting a time limit for them. If worse came to worse, whatever exchange was about to go down with him and Emilia could only last until dinner.
Emilia: "... Subaru?"
Subaru's heart stopped for a few seconds at the sound of his own name. Because of her healing he couldn't inch away, even though it felt like practically every cell in his body was trying to move away from the source of his current anxieties. He knew he had to answer for his actions, he just wished it wasn't face to face with the one he loved most in the world.
Subaru: "Y-Yes, Emilia?"
Emilia: "Do you trust me?"
Subaru: "Huh? O-Of course I do!"
Emilia: "But… not enough to tell me about this, right?"
He perked his head up to confidently affirm his dedication to her, but he shrank back down when she called him out on his claim.
Subaru: "I thought, maybe I could… uh, hide it. I didn't... want to worry you."
Emilia: "And is this better? Lying to me and everyone else except Beatrice about it?"
Subaru: "You… weren't supposed to find out about it…"
Emilia: "And when was I supposed to find out? When it was too late to do anything?"
Emilia looked up when Subaru tried to give her a half-assed excuse, her eyes piercing his soul with her sorrowful look. Her eyes were glassy like she had been crying, but she hadn't let a single tear out. It was clear from one look at her that she was holding her stronger feelings back.
Subaru: "I wasn't going to- I just needed more time to get better! I was coming around."
Emilia: "Coming around? You mean asking Beatrice to lie to Frederica so you could lie to me? Or were you talking about how you admitted to having no plan on getting better?"
Subaru: "Tch-"
Subaru grit his teeth. He had suspected it before based on the timing of her arrival, but Emilia had just confirmed that she had been listening in on his conversation with Beatrice before kicking his door in.
Emilia: "Or perhaps you meant coming up with more awful cover stories? Placing the blame on things that didn't happen? I'm not a moron, Subaru."
Subaru: "I don't think tha-"
Emilia: "You wear long sleeves."
Subaru: "Eh?"
Amidst Subaru's confusion, Emilia's gaze fell down to her lap as the glow from her hands faded, her larger than normal mana reserves allowing her to finish healing him faster than Beatrice could with her borrowed mana. Subaru was about to pull his arm back to his side like he had with the other, but she quickly grabbed his scar-laden forearm before he could and did something he was not expecting.
Emilia stood from her seat beside him, kicked off her boots, then kneeled on the bed so that each leg was on either side of him, straddling his lap as he looked up at her dumbfounded. She sat down on lap and stretched her long legs out so she could wrap them around his waist, gently locking herself in place, her plush thighs snug around the sides of his abdomen. Finally, she leaned into him until her clothed chest pressed against his bare skin, her slender arms draped around his neck, and slowly her face got closer and closer to his until…
... she passed his face entirely and rested her chin on his left shoulder.
Subaru's heart rate went bananas. He was ready to receive a scolding akin to what he got for making an ass of himself and Emilia's name at the Royal Selection hearing. Instead, his dream girl was sitting in his lap with her limbs wrapped around him like he was her human body-pillow. This should make him so happy that he didn't have a single word to describe the pure elation of this development.
It should make him happy.
Then why did he feel so sad?
This clearly wasn't for him. Emilia wouldn't reward such self-destructive behavior like he had committed, and she just expressed her disdain for going behind her back and lying about it. And yet, over all other actions she could've taken, she chose to take up this position with him. Was she doing this to make herself feel better? If she was, then Subaru didn't mind, but he dared not return her embrace.
Normally he would love nothing more than to hold the one closest to his heart, but now his arms felt dirty and unclean, despite being recently healed. He didn't want his damaged limbs touching her princess-like beauty, there was no way she could possibly want to be touched by such unsightly evidence of his harmful impulses. Even resting his head like she did seemed a step too far for him, trying to enjoy any part of this would be selfish. He wanted to hug her so bad, that maybe he could make himself feel better by pretending she wasn't mad at him, but-
Emilia: "You wear long sleeves, Subaru."
She repeated what she had said earlier, her silver-bell voice gently reverberating just behind him, holding him in place as she gazed emptilty at the pillows resting against the headboard.
Emilia: "Almost everywhere you go, you wear something that covers your arms. You claimed that you received injuries to your arms, but I've never seen the sleeves of any of your clothes in tatters. Did you really think telling me you got your wounds from Vollachia would fool me so easily?"
That deduction is what must've set off her instincts that something was wrong with him earlier. That, and Subaru's acting was pretty mediocre on a good day.
Subaru: "I'll be honest, that was a pretty rushed lie. I thought it was too good to be true when you let me and Beatrice walk away so easily."
Emilia: "You were bleeding and in a rush. I figured you weren't going to be truthful with me, so I followed you inside to get the answers I needed."
Subaru: "Well… I hope you got what you were looking for."
Emilia: "... All but one."
Subaru already knew what it was. He had been dreading this since the moment Emilia had found out his shameful secret.
Emilia: "Why, Subaru?"
Her voice was shaky when she asked her question. At the same time, she tightened her hold around his neck and his waist, like she was scared he would throw her off and make a break for the door at her inquiry.
But he could do no such thing. She could feel his heart rate pick up through his chest and he was shaking, but that was to be expected. He wouldn't respond, frozen in his seat.
Emilia: "Subaru, why do you feel the need to hurt yourself?"
This was it. The disconnect he could never open up to anyone about, not because he didn't want to but because he couldn't. No matter how much he wanted to tell anyone about Return by Death, the witch's hand would always squeeze his heart into silence at the mere attempt of mentioning its name. The only worse outcome was when the witch had killed Emilia when he first tried to tell her, so there was no way in hell he was risking that ever again.
Subaru: "I… I don't- I mean… It's uh... wow, um…"
Emilia: "It's alright. Take your time. I know this must be difficult for you as well."
As Subaru struggled to find his words, Emilia raised her left hand to stroke the back of Subaru's head as he pondered. While he welcomed the sensation, he couldn't help but notice that her hand was shaking, while still and while in motion. Her words had been awfully composed this entire time, but with her face out of sight he couldn't really see what state she was in. At the very least that also meant she couldn't see whatever ugly face he was making right around now.
He had to say something. Something to explain himself without committing the taboo. He couldn't reveal the primary cause of his pain, but he could speak what was on his mind and what's in his heart, as well as what had been weighing them both down. About what truly makes up the psyche of Natsuki Subaru.
Subaru: "Emilia… Ever since I first came to this country, I've been fighting all uphill battles. I'm not strong, I'm not magically gifted, and I can't use a sword to save my life. All I can do is use my head and rely on other people to make up for my shortcomings. I'm lucky to have been able to preserve the lives of those closest to me, I've overcome some tall obstacles sure, but it always comes at a cost."
His words started to sound shaky. The only other person he had shared these feelings with was Beatrice, and even that took time to come up with the right words.
Subaru: "The White Whale, Pristella, hell, even Vollachia, all had people who died because my plans weren't good enough to save everyone. Emilia, I'm so sick and tired of watching people die because of my inability to act! Those people all had lives and families that they can never return to, all because of me! So I started thinking, 'why should they be the only ones to suffer when it's all my fault?'."
Emilia: "Subaru…"
Subaru: "So when the casualties from the White Whale's subjugation really set in, I just … hurt myself a bit. I thought if I suffered, I could atone for the people I let down."
Emilia: "Suba-"
Subaru: "But I stopped for a while! About a year after the Sanctuary, I was completely fine! Then… Pristella happened, and more people died because of me, so I started doing it again. Then we went to the watchtower, then I got sent to Vollachia without warning, so I never got a chance to try and get better again. Now I'm so used to it, it almost feels weird to try and stop at this point."
Emilia: "..."
Subaru: "And if that wasn't bad enough, I lied to you. I swore my loyalty to you and lied to your face every time you asked me how I was doing, or if I was doing alright. The truth is, I never wanted you to know about this! Ever! I never wanted to be found out that I was a failure, or that I was just one big letdown, or that I was- uh…"
He hesitated to tell her one of his biggest insults towards himself.
Subaru: "Well, more than anything... I really didn't want you to see me the way I see myself, which is… that I uh… "
Emilia: "?"
Subaru: "T-That I'm kind of, um uh… b-broken. Like, as a perso-"
Before he could get his final word out, Subaru felt a sharp pain smack him across his left cheek. It took him a couple seconds to register the tooth-rattling slap to his face, and another few seconds to realize what had happened.
Emilia had very quickly backed off from her embrace around his neck and delivered a quick slap with her right hand, holding her arm in place where her hand finished her movement. It didn't hurt that bad, but Subaru couldn't help but let the tears roll down his cheeks. In addition to the physical pain, he was also crying because this is the first time that Emilia had ever struck him. To make a kind and pure-hearted maiden reach this point made him feel like utter trash.
Then he realized that she was crying too now. Her face was a light pink, the several dried tears that adorned her pale features indicated that she must've been crying for quite some time now, another reason to have kept her face out of sight this whole time. She looked pained, but more than that she looked angry. He hadn't seen her face this stern since their first real fight in the capitol, but this was a much different kind of fury.
Emilia: "NATSUKI SUBARU, HOW DARE YOU!?"
Those words cut deeper than her sharpest ice shard. She placed a hand on each of his bare shoulders and started to firmly shake him back and forth.
Emilia: "You cannot say those sorts of things about yourself! You are not a failure, you are not a letdown, and you most certainly are NOT BROKEN! You can't be any of those things, because you're Natsuki Subaru!"
He had never heard her speak with such an assertive tone since he had known her.
Emilia: "You've been through assassins, mabeasts, and Sin Archbishops! You've fought harder and strategized more than anyone could have possibly asked of you! You even mourn for the forgotten people who have fallen by your side, even the ones that nobody can remember! You're the absolute last person in this world who should be suffering!"
Her words touched him, though they made him well up a bit more. She took notice and stopped shaking him, but kept her hands on his shoulders.
Emilia: "So please, please, don't make yourself suffer. The ones who died surely wouldn't want the one who fought as hard as he could to hurt himself. I know all the people who survived don't want you to hurt yourself either. And Subaru, I don't want to see you suffer. Please, not you. Anyone but you. Not my knight…."
She paused to catch her breath, her emotions making her breathe harder than normal.
Emilia: "You deserve so much better, Subaru. You are kind, helpful, caring, and absolutely irreplaceable. You're the kind of person where my life is better because you are in it. You even said you loved me, and have given me so much time to try and say it back, I still can't and yet you continue to fight and get hurt for my sake. Why do you go through so much for someone who can hardly give anything back in return? Why didn't you just come talk to me instead?"
Subaru: "Because Emilia-tan, I took an oath as your knight to protect you. It's the candidate's job to do everything they can to become a great ruler, and their knights are supposed to do whatever it takes to make that happen, y'know? How can you focus if you're busy fussing over me all the time?"
Emilia: "But we can still communicate! I'm right here, Subaru! We talk all the time!"
Subaru: "I know I know, but look at it from where I'm sitting. I mean literally, I'm sitting here with my shirt off, scars exposed, and speaking my heart out so much that it's embarrassing! Being laid this bare in front of you isn't something I can do regularly without hurting your image again. Besides, we're master and knight. I can manage my personal problems on my own time, it's not my place to have you bear those burdens for me. So please-"
Emilia: "I think I see what the problem is."
Subaru: "Huh?"
Before he could finish his pleas for her not to concern herself with his struggles, Emilia removed her hands from his shoulders, leaned back so they weren't up against each other anymore, then grabbed the hem of her blouse and started to lift her arms up. At first Subaru couldn't believe what his eyes were seeing, so he didn't actually realize that Emilia was seriously taking her top off until she raised it up to her collarbone, giving her knight an eyeful.
No matter how often a man may think about the breasts of the women they admire, nothing ever compares to seeing the real deal for the first time. He stared wide eyed and slack jawed, his mind nor body able to do much of anything while she pulled her long hair through her collar. She discarded her garment off to the side of the bed in a heap, forgoing the proper folding method the maids had taught her in favor of reembracing her knight. She hugged him again, their bare chests pressed into each other, her arms wrapped around his neck while she nuzzled into the side of his neck.
Emilia: "Now I'm laid bare, just like you. We may have to keep up appearances in public, but in this moment just between us, I want you to consider us as equals. Right now we are simply two people who care deeply about each other, having a conversation together in private behind closed doors. 'Oh-kei'?"
Subaru: "O-Okay."
Subaru was charmed by her use of slang from his homeland. He knew she didn't really get the origin word itself, but she knew that it was a term of affirmation. She snaked one of her hands down his wrist and guided his arm to wrap around her waist. With her permission clear, he did the same with his other arm so he could fully return her display of care and affection.
Emilia: "Subaru, can I ask something of you?"
Subaru: "Anything. If it's within my power, I will do it."
Emilia: "There's this person who is very near and dear to my heart. He can be very stubborn, and sometimes he's a bit of a dunderhead. But he's reeeally nice to me, and he even told me he loves me."
Subaru: "Eh, some guy other than me said that to you? Who is he? I'll kick his ass."
Emilia: "Subaru…"
Subaru: "I know, sorry. Continue."
She gripped him a little tighter.
Emilia: "This person… I dare say he's the most important person in my life right now."
She gripped him even tighter, her elven strength came close to crushing a rib but Subaru kept his mouth shut. He didn't care if she shattered his skeleton, being held by Emilia like this was worth it.
Emilia: "Please, make sure no harm comes to the man who said he loves me. He's a nice boy who doesn't deserve to get hurt, but sometimes he's too proud to admit he's in pain. I want to see him happy and enjoying life, and if he isn't, then I want you to come to me in private so we can make him happy together. Am I clear?"
Subaru: "Yes, crystal clear."
The crybaby that he was, Subaru began tearing up again, squeezing Emilia a little tighter and leaning his head on hers. They sat like that for a while, simply enjoying each other's company, using their senses to take in this moment in every way they could.
Several minutes passed before one of them said anything.
Subaru: "Thank you Emilia-tan, I really needed this talk."
Emilia: "Of course, Subaru!"
Emilia pulled back so that she could face Subaru once again. While she observed the dried tears and light blush on his cheeks, he couldn't help but to stare at her naked chest again. He was only human, after all.
Emilia: "Remember, there's nothing about cuts and bruises that you should be proud of!"
Subaru: "Yea- Well, mostly, yeah!"
Emilia: "Mostly?"
She tilted her head.
Subaru: "Well I mean with cuts you're definitely right, but there are some good bruises that- Ah, well uh… Huh, how do I put this…"
Emilia: "Subaru, is this one of those relationship things you're always so nervous to talk about? You and everyone else needs to stop treating me like a child, it's getting a liiittle bothersome. I already know what kissing is, what more could there possibly be?"
A bag of emotional bricks hit Subaru in the head, completely discombobulated that she could say something like that while she sat topless in his lap.
Subaru: "This might be a bit of a longshot, but do you know what a 'hickey' is Emilia-tan?"
Emilia: "I can't say that I do."
Subaru: "Hm... In that case, we should probably leave that topic for now."
Emilia: "Subaru, did you forget what we just talked about?"
Subaru: "Eh?"
Emilia: "You need to talk to me about the things that are on your mind. If you don't, then there will always be a wedge between us that'll never go away unless we communicate. You always say that you want to be in a 'relationship' with me, wouldn't this be a step in the right direction? Besides, I'm reeeally curious as to how a bruise can be considered a good thing."
Subaru's heart leaped at the idea of his relationship with Emilia progressing. Unfortunately, that would mean explaining what hickeys were to this pure-hearted maiden of a woman he was in love with.
He closed his eyes, inhaled through his nose, and-
Subaru: "Emilia-tan, a hickey is when you gently bite someone's neck, shoulder, or chest areas and suck in for a few seconds, leaving behind a temporary bruise. This is usually used as a way to mark someone as yours in a romantic sense, but you typically want it done in a spot that can be easily covered by clothing to avoid other people noticing."
He exhaled the remaining air in his lungs, laying out the technical definition as clearly as he could in a single go.
Emilia: "Oh! I um… I see."
He had looked off to the side when he spoke, so when looked back (to her chest briefly, then) to her face he got to see her face flushed almost entirely red, all the way up to the tips of her half-elven ears. When their eyes locked for a split second, they both turned to look in opposite directions.
Emilia: "Does it… hurt?"
Subaru: "Uhh, I don't think so? I've never actually gotten one, but I can't imagine people would do it so much if- BAHAA!"
Subaru couldn't help but to let out a cross between a yelp and a moan when he felt Emilia's lips on the middle of his left shoulder muscles. She sucked on the spot for a few seconds before she released him and looked at her handiwork. Sure enough, there was a dark oval-shaped mark where her mouth had been, this realization causing both of them to grow big dumb smiles on their faces. Fortunately, she had placed it in a spot that was always covered by either his shirt or his jacket.
Emilia: "U-Um, that didn't hurt, did it?"
Subaru: "I don't know… you tell me!"
Emilia: "What do you- AAHNN!"
A surge of confidence coursed through Subaru, motivating him to return the favor and latch his lips on the base of her neck on her left side, sucking on her fair skin knowing that he would be ruining her otherwise perfect complexion, but he didn't care. It was in a spot that would be covered by her usual attire, and besides, she had just done the same to him so it's only fair to return the favor, right?
He realized that he had held himself there far longer than he needed to and pulled back to see what he had left behind, and he gulped. What she had left on him was a fairly light bruise , definitely from someone who would rather be too gentle over too rough. What he had left on her was a big blotch of broken blood vessels, more than twice the size of the one on his shoulder. He prayed that the collared garment she always wore would be big enough to cover it when she put her clothes back on.
Emilia: "Huh, that didn't really hurt at all. It felt kind of… nice, actually. Did it work, do I have a 'hickey' now?"
Subaru: "Oh it worked alright. I feel conflicted about leaving such an ugly mark on Emilia-tan's beautiful skin, though."
Emilia: "Mark… I've been marked as Subaru's…"
Subaru: "Heh. Guess that means I've been marked as Emilia-tan's then, huh?"
Emilia: "Eh? Y-Yes, I suppose you have been, haven't you?"
They both blushed even harder, facing each other and gazing into the eyes of the ones they loved most. Without any sort of prompt, at the same time they both started leaning their faces in closer and closer, slowly closing their eyes as they did until their foreheads were touching. They held that position for several moments, enjoying the sounds of their own breathing among the silence that surrounded them. Unlike the uncomfortable, awkward silence from earlier, this was a pleasing, intentional silence that made them both happy. Eventually however, Subaru tilted his head one way and Emilia tilted her head the other way, lips parting in anticipation of the heated, passionate kiss they were both craving. They could feel each other's trembling breath on their lips, a mere movement apart-
Ram: "Barusu, why is the handle on your door broken? Surely you don't expect Ram to fix this for yo- Ah."
Subaru: "Ah."
Emilia: "Ah."
Subaru looked over Emilia's shoulder while Emilia herself craned her neck to face Ram, who had nudged the door open with her foot and walked in carelessly. They both put themselves in positions that make their love bites clearly visible, and with their lack of shirts, the position they were in, the partially-thawed iced-over lock, and the panicked look on both of their faces, the peach-haired oni maid quickly put the facts together to draw her own conclusion.
Ram: "Apologies Lady Emilia, Ram didn't realize you were here. Ram will leave you and your knight to… Bye."
With a quick, yet eloquent bow of respect, Ram quickly backtracked her footsteps back out the door. She shot Subaru a leering glare right before she turned past the door frame.
Subaru: "Oi, Ram! Get ba- Oh, excuse me Emilia-tan."
Emilia: "Eep!"
Subaru cupped the undersides of Emilia's thighs and moved her off his lap and onto the bed beside him where she initially sat. Normally he would love to relish the feeling of laying his hands on some of his love's softest parts, but right now he had to duck out of her arms and stick his upper torso out the door into the almost vacant mansion hallway.
Subaru: "Oi Ram, get back here and let me explain myself!"
Ram, who was already casually walking away from the room, picked up her pace at the sound of Subaru's outburst.
Subaru: "Ram, don't make a bigger deal out of this than it has to be!"
Ram was rapidly speed-walking at this point.
Subaru: "DAMMIT RAM, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!"
Ram: "DEATH TO PERVERTS!"
Subaru: "NOOO!"
Ram broke out into a sprint away from Subaru's voice, arms chopping through the air with every stride. She looked as if she was running to save her life, but saving herself any further sights of those two morons together was an equally valid motivation for Ram. When she slowed down just enough to turn the corner into an adjacent hallway, Subaru got a brief glance at Ram's face. While she didn't have the face of disgust he expected, her face was surprisingly neutral for what she had just seen and what she had yelled out. Subaru had known Ram for over a year now, and to him that face was a telltale sign that he would see whenever it came time for the routine cleaning behind the mansion's heavier furniture.
That face meant Ram wanted absolutely nothing to do with this whatsoever.
She was giving him a hard time, but the reality was that Ram didn't care enough about Subaru's romantic life to involve herself with it. Actually, it was more like she took an active effort to stay as far away from that topic as much as possible, and today was the day where she finally slipped up.
Emilia: "I'll... talk to her later."
Subaru: "You might not want to bother, Emilia-tan. Something tells me this might be one of those things where Ram won't bring it up if we don't."
Emilia: "Well, if you say so then I'll take your word for it! I just wanted to make sure Ram doesn't see us as a couple of dunces, you know?"
Subaru: "Eh, who still says 'dunce' in this day and age? Do they still make you sit in the corner with a cone hat?"
Emilia: "Huh? Sorry Subaru, I don't get what you're saying again."
Subaru just smiled at her, which made her smile in return. Then they both started laughing, snickering with each other while Subaru remained in the doorway and Emilia sat on his bed. They would calm down, look up at each other, then start laughing again. This repeated several times until their cheeks started to strain from smiling too much.
Subaru: "We uh- hah- should probably put our shirts back on- hah- yeah?"
Emilia: "Hehe- right, right."
Subaru blinked awake in his bed, calmly looking up at his ceiling. He felt a little restless, so he sat up to get his bearings straight. It was definitely sometime late into the night or very early in the morning, the moonlight that shone through the windows could tell him at least that much. He yawned and stretched his arms out, trying to be quiet as he did, but not quiet enough as his sleeping companion stirred awake.
Beatrice: "Eh... Subaru?"
He just smiled at her slurred speech from still being half asleep.
Beatrice: "Ah, um, that is- T-Today we… Gaaah, does Betty really have to go through what happened today again, I wonder?"
Subaru: "Ha! Don't worry Beako, I didn't wake up from a bad dream this time. Just having a hard time staying asleep, I guess."
Subaru traced his fingers along his left shoulder until he found a spot that hurt slightly when he pressed down on it. His smile grew twofold when he confirmed that his encounter with Emilia had indeed actually happened. Sure, they had a serious talk about Subaru's past traumas, but it was so, so, worth it to have such a tender moment with his beloved.
Beatrice: "Hmph. Betty wishes you would let her heal that unsightly blemish on your shoulder, in fact."
Subaru: "Sorry, but that's not happening! This mark right here is proof of Emilia-tan's love for me, and the only way it's leaving my body is when it heals through the natural course of recovery! Got it, Beako?"
Beatrice: "Fine fine, I suppose, but keep your voice down! Do you wish to wake up the entire mansion, I wonder? You already set Lady Emilia back by half a day's worth of studying, now you wish to deny her sleep as well?!"
Subaru: "Heh, sorry Beako. You know how loudmouthed I get when I'm passionate. Actually, I think that made me realize how thirsty I am. I'm going to go get some water."
Beatrice: "Ah-"
Beatrice's eyes went wide when she heard those words leave his mouth. She wanted to say more, but the sudden repeat of last night's circumstances left her dumbfounded. He hopped out of bed and walked toward the door, which had been repaired thanks to the assistance of Frederica and Petra, who miraculously didn't question the origin of the damage. Right when he started to turn the knob with one hand, he reached his other open hand behind him and peered back towards his spirit.
Subaru: "Care to join me, Beatrice?"
Beatrice paused, then smiled with delight at the invitation.
Beatrice: "Well, if you're brave enough to ask, then Betty will keep you company, I suppose."
Subaru: "Thank you Beako, I wouldn't have it any other way."
Beatrice leapt out of bed and scurried over to her contractor's side, early grabbing his hand so that he could guide her through the corridors and into the mansion's kitchen for a late-night refreshment.