A/N: The song I chose for this was based more on the feeling/atmosphere it evokes, rather than any sort of direct interpretation of the lyrics. Content warnings for mentions of suicidality. This takes place around the same time as Chapter 14.

One-Shot Theme Song: Saturn Return by REM

After a week in the castle I decided to finally sit down with Heidi and read my essay entry, which I'd avoided thinking about for weeks. It felt like one of the final nails in the coffin of my old life, and I wanted to go into my vampiric life with it off my chest.

Easy to poke yourself square in the eye.

Harder to like yourself,

Harder to try

"Hey…Heidi?" I asked from the chair where I'd been sitting, while she was just finishing up working at her desk nearby.

She turned towards me at the question, "Hmm?"

"Could we…r-read my essay…together s-soon?" She paused for a few moments.

These are espouces,

Postcards and neoprene.

Roses a dollar a stem,

Everyone sleeping or pulling a long haul,

And keys in the cooler it's 3 AM.

"I'd wondered when we might get around to that. You've not mentioned it for some time and I was hesitant to bring it up."

"It's…i-intense. I…lay i-it all out".

"I expected as much, based on your past reactions and…experiences that you've told me about", her jaw grew tight in anger at what she now knew. Opening a bottom desk drawer she pulled out an unlabeled sealed envelope.

"I suspect that I'll be most upset about what's written here, won't I?"

And Saturn is beckoning no-one.

It's offering up,

Late shift convenience stores,

Burn out the lights.

Telescope roofs towards the Northwestern skies.

I nodded and led her by her hand to the bed where we leaned up against the headboard together. I leaned into her, fully aware that she'd insist on remaining in physical contact when she was done reading. Her protective instincts always flared up when discussing my past, and this would surely inflame them more than usual.

Without words she took out the letter and began to read. Thanks to her accelerated vampiric comprehension it took only a few minutes, but by the end her posture and countenance were entirely changed.

You pulled the ladder,

And no-one's the wiser.

Your pull your sights and discover.

Muscles taut and throat growling she was the epitome of righteous fury. She took unnecessary, harsh breaths and I didn't need to look to know her eyes were darkened pits. Eventually she spoke, voice fully transformed into its vampiric tonal blend "You…intended to take your own life at times?"

I nodded again and continued to lean into her, now turning my head into her shoulder. As much as she needed the comfort of her proximity right now I equally needed hers.

I'd been processing and unpacking my experiences more lately, but they were still remained traumatizing to drudge up. I imagined that they always would be, to some extent, but the pain had at least started to dull a little bit over time.

Saturn is orbiting nothing.

He's off on his own.

He's breaking from home.

"Do…do you still…think about it?", her voice broke at the end.

"…I…it s-still…intrusively…c-comes to mind…sometimes, but n-not…not like that. M-more that I…remember w-what it…f-felt like".

Mother was difficult,

She made you cry.

Cover the mirror,

Look to the sky.

It was her turn to nod, and in quick succession she crumpled the papers, tossed it away, and took me in her arms. Her hold was tight, and she began to shiver. We laid there for the remainder of the day, her only tolerating me leaving for the sake of my human needs.

Even when I went into the kitchen she followed behind me and ran her hands through my hair while I stood at the counter making coffee. Once I'd set everything up I relaxed back into her, and pulled her arms around me.

I'd been recently starting to pick up on the differences in her growls, as there was more to them than just signifying aggression. It seemed like they were a way for vampires to communicate without words and send signals to others in a more animalistic way when they felt strong emotions.

Hers was currently a constant vibration and, instead of the pitches mixing together when she was feeling angry or seductive, the pitches were now oscillating in a cycle from low to high. This one only came out when she was anxious (which wasn't often) or really protective of me.

It'd been the suicidal thoughts that I knew would be incredibly upsetting to her, more than the rest of it. Vampires who lost their mates commonly experienced a swift, free-falling depression that often ended in them taking their own lives through destructive means. I felt a chill at the thought of her taking that action and gripped her a little tighter.

I's been completely honest when I said that I no longer actively felt the urges and, rather, only occasionally had intrusive thoughts about them. It was like my brain would randomly bring them up to remind me, and while uncomfortable they would eventually pass.

You climb into your rocket ship,

Lift up and hold out your hands.

"Violet. You will tell me should these thoughts come to you. Even if it is simply a passing memory, I insist that you tell me."

"Okay. I…I promise". I had every intention of keeping that promise, as sickly as the voice in the back of mind still was telling me to keep them to myself.

I was done having my life ruled by my self-loathing, even if it wouldn't ever completely fade. It felt scary as hell, and my beaten-in, broken-down instincts resisted the idea; but I was nothing if not stubborn.

Saturn is orbiting nothing.

He's off on his own.

He's breaking from home.

I'd waited too long to tell her all of this, and I knew that that was partially what was upsetting her. I felt bad, but also confused as to how to handle it. I knew that I wanted to apologize when things had calmed down, but I wasn't yet quite sure what to say to adequately sum it all up.

Keeping things to myself hadn't just been a habit; it was a survival technique to avoid more pain beyond that which I regularly felt. Truthfully there was also the matter of trust. I couldn't have allowed myself to completely trust Heidi right off the bat, but over time she more than earned it. The insecurity that she might finally see me as being too broken had still held me back.

Harder to look yourself,

Square in the eye.

Easy to poke yourself,

Easy as pie.

For now, holding each other would do well enough. We clearly weren't done talking about this, and the traumas of what the essay laid bare weren't nearly over with. I still had a long way to go in unpacking them, but I felt a little better for finally having shared it with her.

Easy to take off,

Harder to fly.

Harder to wake Galileo.