"Love is nurtured by caring for one another." - Ail
"I'll kill you, Sailor Moon!" He raised his sword and began to lunge at her. Her screams echoed in the darkness as she knelt before him. Her eyes were wide, glistening with unshed tears and sorrow. This enraged him further as he picked up speed. He leapt, the weight of his armor not slowing him down, and poised the broadsword in his hand. Off to the side, a hauntingly familiar melody began playing…
Mamoru awoke in a cold sweat. His shirt and sheets were drenched and his chest was heaving. He'd had that dream… no, that memory again. Every night since the final battle against Ail and An had been the same. That was nearly a week ago and he was exhausted. He rubbed at his eyes as he rose from his bed and walked out onto the balcony. He shivered as the breeze danced across his skin.
Looking out over the bay, he noticed the clear sky being threatened by dark and billowing rain clouds. The lights from the city below made it difficult to see any stars. The moon hung full and bright, enhancing the guilt manifesting in his soul.
He leaned his forearms on the railing as he took a deep breath. The cool air was tinted with the scent of rain. He'd spent the last ten years hyper-focused on never forgetting anything and being in total control of his thoughts and actions. How could he have let Beryl control his mind like that? How could he have lost control of his own brain? Was it because of his accident? Did he just have a weaker mind because of his childhood traumatic brain injury? Would this have happened regardless of how strong willed he was?
He was overwhelmed by his thoughts and he raked his hands through his hair, tugging a bit to wake him up even more. It was all too clear in his mind. The cold stare he'd given her, the smoldering rage, the feeling of blind hatred, his hands clenched around her porcelain throat, her pulse throbbing beneath his clenched fingers… he shuddered and wept; his tears dotting the balcony floor. How was he supposed to look her in the eyes again? How was he supposed to love and cherish her when there was this sliver of his psyche that had such a strong desire to murder her? At the moment, that desire was absent. All that seemed present was an all-encompassing sense of self-loathing and doubt.
What if that side of him came back? Would it always be laying dormant inside him?
Did he really love her or was it Endymion that harbored those feelings? He shook his head. That made no sense. He was Endymion. He is Endymion. After living his whole life wondering who he was, he had never felt more confused than he did at this very moment. Was he still Chiba Mamoru? Was he ever Chiba Mamoru?
The familiar call of Sailor Moon's transformation tugged at his brain and he willed himself into Tuxedo Mask. Taking a deep breath, he leapt off his balcony for the first time since his memories had been restored. Across the rooftops he leapt, slowly regaining the adrenaline rush he used to have in the before times. The distant clouds seemed to close in as he ran. The wind at his back picked up causing his cape to whip sharply around him, pushing him closer and closer to her. He had never understood the connection between Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Moon. How he could always sense she needed his help and how he could find his way to her as if he was using a dowsing rod.
He supposed that the why was much clearer now.
The pull lessened and he found himself in Juban Park. Sailor Moon was perched on the fountain's edge with her legs crossed and her arms braced on the stone behind her.
"Did… did you already dust the youma?" Tuxedo Mask was confused and looked around.
"There was no youma." Sailor Moon's voice was miles away.
"Then why…" Mamoru started but decided against finishing the thought. "Never mind." He turned to leave as a soft grumble of thunder rumbled in the distance. He didn't trust himself to be around her just yet. He could still feel her pulse beneath his fingertips.
"Wait!"
He froze.
"Please, Mamo-chan." He turned back around and saw that she'd dropped her transformation, leaving her in leggings and an oversized sweatshirt. Mamoru couldn't rely on his eyes not to betray him and opted to keep his shield up a bit longer.
"Why have you lured me here?" He ground out a little more harshly than intended, and he flinched when she took a step back. Raindrops began pattering on the ground and he clenched his jaw in resolution.
"You've been avoiding me ever since the Makai Tree battle." Usagi stood and hugged her arms around her torso. "I needed to talk to you."
"I haven't been avoiding you…"
"Yes! Yes you have, Mamo-chan." Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. "I just want to know why."
Suddenly, she was kneeling before him as his sword was raised above his head, poised to strike.
Mamoru shook his head as if to dislodge the horrific image from his mind. "You wouldn't understand." He hated how his voice cracked and he pinched the bridge of the nose.
"Well make me understand!" She reached to grab his hand and he yanked it away from her as if her touch had burned him. "I hate not knowing what the issue is, Mamoru! Losing sleep every night wondering if I had done something wrong. Is it… is it me?" Her lower lip quivered and his heart broke as the sky opened up over them.
Mamoru's resolve was beginning to waver. He sighed and moved to sit on the edge of the fountain where she'd been moments ago. Taking a deep breath, he allowed his transformation to fall away leaving him in the pajama pants and t-shirt he'd been wearing. He sat there silently looking at his hands not caring how soaked he was becoming.
"How are you not afraid of me?" He loathed how small he sounded, and he half hoped she hadn't heard him over the roar of the rain.
"Afraid of you? What are you talking about?"
"Usako." He choked on the name he let spill. "I tried to kill you. I hated you. I wanted you dead. You could never understand what it's like, to know what I did to you."
Usagi made a noise in the back of her throat and sat next to him, making sure not to touch him.
"Do you know what the first thing I remembered was when Princess Serenity's memories came to me?" Mamoru shook his head. "The first thing I remembered was Endymion standing in front of her with his arms outstretched trying to snap his people out of it." Usagi scooted microscopically closer to him. "Do you know what the second thing I remembered was?" He was silent. "His blood on Serenity's hands after he took the sword meant for her."
More tears pricked at the corners of his vision and he looked away. "Out of an entire planet's population, I was the only person with a strong enough will to avoid Metallia's mind control back then." Tears burned as they gathered at his lashes. "How come I was strong enough the first time but not now? What's changed?"
"The Dark Kingdom attacked and killed Endymion and Serenity…"
"You keep talking about it as if that wasn't me and you!" Mamoru interrupted and grabbed at his hair, frustrated that she wasn't understanding.
She moved to kneel before him, seemingly unfazed by the puddle her knee landed in.
"Mamoru," Usagi craned her neck to look into his eyes. "That wasn't me and you."
Mamoru scoffed as he held his head in his hands. Rain was saturating his back causing his t-shirt to cling but he welcomed the cold.
"I don't care about any of that. That wasn't you. This," she gestured up and down, "is you. I know who you are. You are not Endymion. You are Mamoru. Chiba Mamoru. You drink black coffee and exercise for fun. You pick on me and call me 'Odango'. You own exactly one blazer in the ugliest shade of green imaginable. And you're one of the kindest, gentlest people I have ever met. I'm pretty sure you're a cat person and that you're a closet chocoholic. That is who you are; not some ancient dead guy."
"How can I be sure? How do I know that everything I've ever felt and everything I've ever experienced wasn't because of Endymion? And how do I know I really love–" he paused, choosing his words carefully when he saw her face fall slightly. "Usagi, I don't know what's real anymore. I can't tell if my feelings are my own or if they're his. And what happens if we have a new enemy? My mind wasn't strong enough to withstand it the first time. Who's to say it won't happen again?"
"Then we will deal with it." She gingerly placed a hand on his foot.
Her screams pierced the air as his black rose vines electrocuted her.
He abruptly stood and began to pace.
"I'm supposed to protect you, not kill you! I was reincarnated to keep you safe and, instead, I let them," he spat, "control my mind and make me do horrible things to you."
"Mamo-chan –"
"I did some really terrible things to you. I almost killed you! Why couldn't I resist Beryl? Why am I so weak-minded? How am I supposed to protect you when I can't even trust myself to keep you safe?"
"Chiba Mamoru!" Her voice was sharp and clear over the rumble of thunder that reverberated.
He abruptly stopped at the commanding tone she used but did not turn to look at her. His shame was insurmountable.
"Mamoru, sit down." Her voice softened and he made his way to a bench. She sat down beside him and he shifted closer to the edge so that he wouldn't touch her. She sighed. "Mamoru, you're being ridiculous." He opened his mouth to retort but she held her hand up. "No, Mamoru, it's my turn to talk."
He snapped his mouth shut as she rose to stand in front of him. She seemed to be planning out her words and his thoughts stumbled out before he could control them (as old habits tend to do).
"Don't think too hard, Odango…" Her glare could have toppled an empire.
"Mamoru, look at me." Usagi grabbed his chin and forced him to look at her. Raindrops blurred his vision and drenched his face. Her hair was matted to her skin and he fought against the urge to brush it out of her eyes. "When you were first captured, you were wounded and unconscious. Had you been awake, you would have fought like hell against them. Multiple times as Dark Endymion, you could have killed me but you didn't. You spared me. There was something deep down fighting against their brainwashing. And this," she pulled the locket out of her pocket and opened it, the haunting melody dodging the sound of raindrops, "this is what brought you back to me. After the battle against Metalia, your desire to protect me was still so strong that it caused a manifestation of your subconscious. You protected me even when you weren't aware of doing so. That was you, Mamoru. That was all you." Usagi placed the locket on the edge of the fountain, the watch face becoming dotted with rain.
Her grip on his chin was firm and he let his eyes flicker in discomfort at the constant eye contact. He still felt too much shame to be able to look her in the eyes for very long. Far off in the distance, he could see the cloud cover dissipating and the sky taking on the muted pastel hues of a peaceful sunrise, the calm after a storm, the reward for enduring. Mamoru's eyes softened and his shoulders relaxed as her words sunk into his soul and he finally felt like things would eventually be okay again. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but one day everything will be as it should.
"Mamoru, do you want to kill me right now?" Her voice brought his consciousness back to the park and her stare was unwavering and determined as a rumble of thunder echoed around them.
"No." He whispered.
"Have you, Chiba Mamoru, ever hated me?"
"Contrary to popular opinion, no. No, I never– could never hate you."
"Mamo-chan," her voice softened as her grip tightened. "Do you love me right now?"
"Yes." He breathed as relief washed over him with the rain at the uncensored honesty. "More than my own life."
She dropped her hand from his chin and stepped back. "Then that is all that matters. We will figure the rest out as we get to it."
"Usako…" Mamoru stepped forward. "How do you know this is real?"
"I don't." She shrugged and sat back down on the fountain edge. "But it's what I'm feeling right now. Mamo-chan, we can't live in the past. Serenity and Endymion had their chance. They made their choices. How can you move forward if you dwell on what's already history?"
Mamoru was dumbfounded. When did she get so wise?
"And, for the record," she continued, "I don't think that's why you were reincarnated."
"You don't?"
"Nope."
"Then why do you think we were reincarnated?"
"Queen Serenity was giving us a second chance. And this time, we can make different, no, better choices."
Mamoru knelt before her, bracing an arm on either side of her as he pondered her words for a moment. "How could it ever be ok? How could you possibly forgive me?"
"There's nothing to forgive." She placed her hand on his arm and this time he didn't pull away. "I love you, Mamo-chan. I think I always have."
"Usako…" He whispered, her name a prayer on his lips. By now the rain was pouring down in sheets; the sound deafening, drowning out his fears and anxieties. Their hair matted to their brows and he inhaled deeply before allowing his forehead to rest against hers. Closing his eyes, he relished the sensation of the cold, baptismal rain running over his body in rivulets, cleansing him of Endymion's sins. Raising his hand to her cheek, he let a tentative thumb trace her cheekbone. His fingers slowly inched towards the hair matted to her brow, and he brushed the sopping wet hair to the side as his thumb traced where Serenity's crescent mark would have been. He relished in her realness as his fingers grazed down the side of her face to linger at her neck. He could feel her pulse thrumming beneath his fingertips, but this time it was strong and alive. She was alive. She was alive and in front of him. He moved his hand to the back of her neck and smiled softly at the hitch in her breath. No, this would not be their first kiss but it would be far from their last.
With one hand at the base of her neck and the other possessively gripping her hip, he pushed up a bit with his feet and raised his lips to hers. It was as if time had slowed: the raindrops seemed suspended in midair as his soul finally found the peace it had wandered a millenium for. Endymion's voice in the back of his mind spoke to him. Cherish her. Be everything she deserves.
At that moment, Mamoru promised Endymion and himself that he would risk everything to always stand by her side. As he lightly pressed his lips to hers, the rain ceased and dawn began to break through the clouds. He tilted his head to get better access and a guttural groan of contentment rumbled through his body, mimicking the earlier thunder.
Neither of them noticed the shimmering above the locket beside them, nor did they see the figures of a certain Earth Prince with his arm around the shoulders of his Moon Princess hugging her to him.