The Adventures of Che and Babe

Chapter 1

STEPHANIE

I sat in the front seat of the Turbo, fidgeting nervously with my wedding and engagement rings. It was the first time I'd be going to an event at Ranger's parents' house. It was also the first time since Jamaica that I'd be alone with Maria, his mama, and his sisters. Maria was hosting an afternoon tea and has insisted that Ranger drive me up from Newark. Our wedding had been only a month ago, and I knew she and my Mom were both still irritated that we had foregone the traditional wedding route and flew everyone to Hawaii with 2 day's notice. It was perfect, and I wouldn't change a thing. But the more time I spent with Maria, the more I understood how Ranger had gotten talked into things – like admitting that he had a (fake) fiancé to bring to his sister's wedding. Ranger slid the car into Park and my door was opened immediately. Ricardo Sr. grinned down at me.

"Good to see you, Carina," he said, kissing my cheek. "I'm going to steal your husband for a bit, but we'll be back before the p– uh, soon."

I nodded and grabbed the bouquet of flowers we'd picked up on the way here. Ranger was out and around the car. He gave me a good kiss and squeezed my waist before pulling away.

"Bye, Babe," he said.

I made my way up the stairs of the house that could only be described as a mansion and rang the doorbell. It played a beautiful little chime while I waited. The door opened to a young woman dressed in a plain, knit black dress, black pantyhose, and sensible black flats.

"Welcome, Mrs. Manoso," she said, and I realized she was something like a female butler. Butleress? Is that a thing? "Right this way, please."

She led me down several corridors, and I followed quietly, noting that we passed a library, what looked like an honest to God dance studio, complete with floor to ceiling mirrors, a home gym, and what I was pretty sure was a small swimming pool.

"Where are we going?" I asked when we turned into yet another hallway.

"The group is in the Grand Hall," she said.

"Oh," I said, not sure how to reply to that. "Wait, group?" Carlos had said his mother wanted me to come for an afternoon tea. I assumed his sisters and maybe Maria's sister Sophia (who also happened to be Lester's mother) would be in attendance. But I wouldn't consider 6 ladies a group. Or needing anything remotely big enough to be named a Grand Hall.

She came to a stop outside of 2 ornate double doors. She opened one with a flourish and no fewer than 75 women were waiting in the ballroom.

Holy fuck, they have a ballroom in their house!

"SURPRISE!" they screamed jovially in unison.

I dropped the flower arrangement, and the crystal vase shattered with an impressive crash.

Maria rushed forward. "Oh, poor dear! We didn't mean to startle you!" She gave me a light kiss on the cheek and wrapped her arm around my waist, turning me to face the group.

"Honestly, Stephanie. Do you have to be so dramatic?" It was then I noticed my mother and Grandma Mazur, standing right next to Sophia and all of Ranger's sisters.

"What's going on?" I asked no one in particular. It was Dahlia who took pity on me.

"It's a surprise bridal shower, Steph!"

"For you," Celia clarified.

Christ on a cracker. This was just one of 10000 reasons I hadn't wanted to do the traditional wedding thing. I didn't like to be the center of attention, I hated shower games with a passion, and Ranger and I didn't need anything in the way of gifts.

"Where's my Babe?!" a tiny voice bellowed from the other side of the hallway. Dressed in toddler-sized red cowboy boots, an adult sized Stetson hat, and a Huggies Little Movers diaper with Mickey Mouse on it, 3-year-old Che pushed through the crowd at a sprint, followed by a harried looking woman in black leggings, a black tunic, and black tennis shoes. Maybe this black dress code for employees was a family trait.

I automatically bent down to see the guy who was easily my favorite person in the Manoso family, other than Ranger, of course.

"Hey, Che!" I greeted.

He launched himself into my arms and laughed his infectious little toddler laugh.

"Where's the cake?" he demanded.

"Lo siento, Senora," the woman chasing Che said to Celia and Maria.

"Just leave him here, Gretchen," Celia said to the woman in Spanish, dismissing her. "Thank you."

"We were all so sad to have missed your wedding," Mom started, draining her glass of champaign.

"And when Helen called me, I thought, it's been a while since we had a good reason to have a party at the house!"

"I figured it must have been something like that."

"And Carlos said he'd more than happy to bring you this weekend!"

Carlos is a dead man.

I was led further into the ballroom where a gorgeous spread of canapes, petite fours, and crudites were covering tables on silver platters. Beyond that a round table with a gold table cloth covered in the old fashioned wide-mouth champaign glasses. Maria snapped and a waiter appeared with a tray of bubbling glasses. Maria handed one to me and took another for herself.

"To Carlos and Stephanie!" she said, commanding the attention of everyone in the room.

"Carlos and Stephanie!" the crowd replied.

"Cheers!" I said, shifting Che to my left hip and chugging the glass.

"Gifts or food?" Maria asked. "It's up to you Stephanie, it's your party."

"Yes, and we want to hear about the honeymoon!" Mariposa added. I blushed.

"I think gifts first, don't you, Stephanie?" Mom asked. She looked fully in her element, and I felt a tiny little bit sorry that I hadn't given her the opportunity to be the Mother of the Bride for the wedding I actually wanted to be a part of. Mom and Maria led me to the most ridiculous looking gold-trimmed throne at the front of the room, next to a way-too-large pile of elegantly wrapped gifts. Dalia sidled up to me and handed me another glass of champaign.

"Here," she said quietly. "I think you're going to need this."

"Thanks," I said. Then I paused as I realized something. "You're not having any?" She shook her head shyly, and my eyes got huge. I felt my eyebrows hike up into my hairline and she nodded twice. I gave her a quick hug.

"Congrats," I whispered into her ear. "Your secret is safe with me."

I sat down on the throne and Che wedged himself in next to me, resting his tiny hand high on my thigh. I pulled my skirt down, thankful I'd decided at the last minute to wear dress. Opening the first few presents gave me a false sense of security. A set of coffee table books, an incredibly soft throw blanket, an Oneida crystal vase, and an Adventure Challenge Dating Book, complete with an old-school polaroid camera and date ideas that you only scratch off and discover the moment you're ready to do them. On the 5th gift, things took a sharp turn into embarrassing and bizarre. I undid a gorgeous silver bow and opened the box. Pulling back the tissue paper, I felt the blood rush to my cheeks. Nestled in the paper was a fur-lined completely sheer babydoll chemise and matching satin robe. The LaPerla tag peeked out at me.

"Hold it up!" Grandma encouraged, as I tried to quickly stuff it into the box.

"Yes! We want to see, dear!" Sophia added.

"Where's the rest of it?" Che asked.

Reluctantly I held up the see-through garment, and all the women sounded in a chorus of "ooohs" and "ahhhs". I naively went on to the next gift, thinking it might help redirect the conversations. I reached for a smaller package, thinking it would be salt and pepper shakers or monogrammed crystal coasters or something. Nope. It was a thong. With a string of fucking PEARLS as the, um, back. Jesus Christ on roller skates.

"I'm getting pretty hungry," I said, and Celia took pity on me.

"Let's give the presents a break, Mama," Celia said. "Let's eat!"

Maria nodded her approval and the conversations started up all around as Isabel led me straight through the crowd to fill my plate, while Che scampered off towards his momma. My demeanor softened just a little when I saw bacon wrapped scallops. And chocolate petite fours with raspberry sauce. I joined Mom, Maria, Grandma, Celia, Isabel, Dahlia, and Mariposa at the head table and dug in. All the food was delicious.

"We'll begin the games after we eat," Mom said eagerly. Games? Oh, kill me now.

I opened my mouth to respond when a sing-song voice caught my attention. I whirled around, and my mouth dropped open when I saw Che.

"Babe and Los Los sitting in a tree!" he sang. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

The song itself wasn't what was shocking. It was the fact that in addition to the jeans and little button-down shirt Celia had dressed him in, he had a black lace demi-cup bra over top of it and was holding up a neon green dildo that was at least 12-inches long above his head like a giant club the way BamBam Rubble would have.

OH. MY. GOD.

"Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!" Che shouted, darted through the crowd, swinging the dildo. Celia chased after him, and I wished the floor would open up and swallow me whole.

I couldn't tell you what happened during the next two hours, because I'm pretty sure I drank enough to take down a small elephant. I'm sure there were some shower games that I'd rather not remember. But by 'Burg manners held strong, and I made the rounds to personally thank everyone who attended. Eventually Carlos and Ricardo Sr. came back, and Carlos dutifully filled the small trunk and backseat of the Turbo with all the gifts we'd been given. With goodbyes for Ranger's sisters and kisses and hugs for Mom, Grandma, Mama, and Papa, I stumbled my way out to the car and slid inside.

Carlos quickly drove through the side streets and was soon on the 95 heading south towards Trenton. I looked out the window and pressed my lips together. It wasn't like me to not talk while we were in the car, but Ranger's driving zone was legendary. We were nearly back to Haywood before he finally spoke.

"Babe, is everything ok?"

And every shred of self-control I had flew out the window as he pulled into the garage.

"No, Carlos! It's not fucking OK!"

"OK," he said. "Let's talk about that."

"Jesus Christ! You fucking blindsided me! You knew – YOU KNEW it was a goddamn shower! And you fucking threw me to the wolves without even a damn word of warning!"

"Babe," he soothed.

"NO!" I practically screamed. "No, you don't get to BABE your way out of this! You lied to me! I can't believe you lied to me!"

"OK," he said. "I admit it. I fucked up. But I never once lied to you." His face was solemn as he stared at me across the console of the Turbo. "Loving you is… different. Babe, you brought color to my world."

"You really didn't know?"

"I didn't know it was a shower with 78 guests, no. I assumed it was Mama and Sophia and my sisters, and possibly your mom. For tea. I swear."

"I want to believe you."

"I promise, Babe. I would have made an excuse," he said. "If I had known. Or at the very least stayed with you."

He led me to the elevator, his arms full of gifts. I pressed the button, and we rode up to the 7th floor together. Once we were in the apartment, I headed for the fridge, and pulled a bottle of water out. I'd had far too much champaign and knew I'd be in a world of hurt tomorrow if I didn't hydrate. I screwed off the top and took a long pull. When I turned around, Ranger was holding up the pearl-string thong with a wolf grin on his face.

"Babe," he said. "I think I'm going to need a fashion show."