Chapter 1
Everyone has someone who they can't live without. Because you need them and because they complete something within you that makes your heart pound. Some people go without ever finding that person for themselves, but that wasn't me. I was one of the lucky ones who found that person. I didn't know anything about that until I was ten years old.
"I'm the only one who will ever see the sweet side of you" I said it to him years later, but I was thinking of that time when we were ten years old, I said it to my brother, Jerome Valeska, and while others thought him a monster, he was someone I couldn't live without.
I was born one year after Jerome, my name was Janis Valeska, but he always just called me Jan. He was the only one who ever called me that and I didn't want that to change especially after he went away. He always made me feel safe, calm, and special and while the rest of the world would come to see him as a monster, he could never be that to me, and he never would. Maybe because I couldn't see the bad in him. He would always be my big brother and my first love and the one person in the world I could trust, and I never wanted that to change for as long as the both of us were alive.
I know people hear his name and think terrible things, but Jerome was never crazy or evil. He could be sweet, and he was always very mature, probably because our mother gave him no other choice, but he made it so I could be normal. He protected me. Jerome became crazy, bad, and evil, so I wouldn't have to be. In many ways, he suffered, so I wouldn't have to. Yet, I can't tell people that now. My mother would try to hurt us both and Jerome would protect me. She would bring home men who sought to do the same and Jerome was my shield. Jerome and I were more then friends, more then siblings, and it seemed like that would never change until we became even more then that. Unexpectedly, we became closer than even brother and sister, closer then two people like us should be allowed, and yet like everything else there is nothing to regret. Jerome and I needed each other, and it wasn't until years later that I realized that what we were was inevitable. It was simply meant to be. Jerome and I were only a year apart, so we looked close in age, and our red hair, green eyes, and pale skin made us twins.
"You're my best buddy, Jan, when I talk to you it's like I'm talking to myself" exclaimed Jerome, his voice loud and boisterous as was his nature, but I never minded that as we were growing up until we reached our point of no return.
My brother was fifteen and I was fourteen when it happened. Jerome had been true to form showing me every side to himself. He could be sweet, tender, funny, and even mean sometimes, but it was nothing when compared to our mother. She was cruel and unreasonable while Jerome had only ever been unintentionally mean. To some there might not be a clear difference, but I knew what it was from experience. It made what passed between us even more unexpected and exciting.
He could be rough, he could be soft, or at times a little of both. I always appreciated the fact that I was the only one who ever saw every side to him. I was never more aware of that then on that rainy night when our mother was being her usual self, but for once, it would be all for the better for Jerome and me. I've seen the crazy, but when I think back on my brother, I prefer to think of the tenderness hidden within him. I was fourteen, Jerome was fifteen the first time our roles as siblings morphed into the role of lovers. We had just been thrown out of the trailer by our mother in the middle of a rainy night.
We hadn't had anywhere to go but had run in the rain until we found an empty tent. It was normally used for the big show, but we were leaving soon, so it was empty except for a few bales of hay.
"At least hay is warm" I whispered as we squatted down in the hay, in the morning, it would all be gone, but on that night, it was better than dying in the rain.
Jerome and I were all wet. Our clothes were soaked leaving little to the imagination. His hair was all over his face and he looked sexy with it all plastered there. It was the first time I ever thought that. His face had been red too. It was the first time I ever thought about kissing him too. It was a defining moment in our relationship, and I didn't even realize it until it had already begun.
"You okay, she hit you pretty hard" I whispered, looking at the redness on his face replaying the moment in my mind, but Jerome only shook his head as he sat down in the hay next to me.
Since that night when I was ten, he never let any of our mother's friends near me, and as we collapsed to sit in the hay, I found myself looking at him. My mother's friend tonight had made the mistake of saying something leud about me and Jerome had responded. It had led us here and as I reflected on all the other times when Jerome had been hurt this way protecting me, I felt him watching me. It led to me touching his face and our eyes meeting in a way that said things that I didn't understand until many years later.
"You're bleeding too" I whispered moving the wet hair out of his eyes only to find the blood leaking from his nose.
That was when the look in Jerome's eyes changed from subdued to dangerous somehow. There was some heavy emotion there that I understood just because it was him. He was protecting me and for a moment, I thought he was getting sick of doing it until that look in his eyes seemed to intensify. It was something else, but I didn't know what it was. I didn't know Jerome was fighting his own emotions or that I was fighting mine.
"She should have slapped that bastard…she heard what he said—" said Jerome, his voice hard.
"Come on, Jerome, she already let another bastard rape me when I was ten. She doesn't care what any of them do to us. If it weren't for you, I'd have been raped a few times by now" I exclaimed, I didn't mean to sound so harsh, but it was the truth which in that moment made me realize just why I loved him.
The words had slipped out, but after Jerome wouldn't stop looking at me. We were looking at each other and I was looking at him and that's how it happened. Somewhere during all that looking, we kissed, not like siblings, but like two people who meant much more to each other. And when I drew away, he was still looking at me. His look was different now though and I didn't know what it meant until Jerome was on top of me. We were looking right at each other suddenly and maybe that's why I kissed him. Not on the cheek like siblings were supposed to, but on the lips again. Jerome kissed me back too. His body covered mine and as we lay in the hay there was no words for this thing we had begun. I could feel my hands on his chest, and I knew I was supposed to push him away, but that felt more wrong than what we were doing. I just wanted him, and he wanted me and that was more important than anything else in that moment.
When Jerome drew away, he had a tender look in his eyes as he looked down at me. There was hay in his hair, and I could feel him pressed right up against me. Jerome held my face in his hands, and we couldn't stop looking at each other. It was sweet and sexy somehow. I didn't know what was supposed to happen now.
"No one will ever touch you again. Not while I'm here" said Jerome, his voice deadly silent.
His breathing had become heavy, and, in that moment, I realized, so had mine. I didn't know what was happening, I don't think he did either, but in that moment, I don't think either of us cared. Instead, we were both trying to figure it out, and when we did that was when all hell broke loose. My head was spinning, questioning this turn our relationship had taken, but then as I thought of everything he'd just said, I believed him completely, and I knew what I wanted too.
"Does that mean you won't be touching me either?" I exclaimed, the question itself unexpected.
It was answered immediately though as his lips crashed against mine. This kiss was much different than the first. It was wild and rough with a haywire effect as my hands pressed into his chest and his held my hips in their grip. I had never even thought of being this way with him and yet, I couldn't imagine ever not being this way. I found myself drawing him closer. I found my arms wrapping around his neck and our lips never parted. We were stuck together forever, and I wanted it that way the longer he kissed me. When he touched my ass and wrapped my legs around his waist, I was surprised, but I liked it. I didn't know what was happening, but I didn't care the longer Jerome kissed me this way.
"Jerome?" I said his name with uncertainty, our clothes were still wet, but starting to dry yet in that moment, I just wanted them off as he kissed me with his hands becoming even more daring the whole time.
"Did you mean what you said?" whispered Jerome in that moment looking down on me and as he waited for me to nod, we were both trembling, and when we kissed this time, it was unabashedly without a care to who or what was happening around us.
"I never want to be touched by anyone else" I exclaimed still trembling as he returned to kissing me almost immediately his hands cold as they left my face to touch my neck then my breasts with a much more tentative touch. And then we knew exactly what we were doing.
He was pulling my shirt up over my head and tossing it somewhere in the hay. I was drawing him back to me and kissing him now with a desperation that I'd never known until that moment. His hands were so precise as they touched me and then he was looking at me. At my body and into my eyes. He was staring me in the face and as our kissing ended, we both knew what was happening, but we just weren't sure how to go about it. That was when I removed the soggy wet wool of his sweater, finding I had to stop to stare at his chest.
It was more toned than I expected, so much so that my eyes admired it, and then my hands touched his shoulders. My legs were still wrapped around his waist, and I had never been more aware of that. For the first time, I felt his cock from within his pants, it was hard and pressed against me. It made me nervous, but excited at the same time. I knew I wanted him, and I was going to have him. I knew that as I spread my legs wider for him then as I laid him down in the hay, so I could straddle him, and as our eyes met, I knew there was no going back. We both knew that and as I held his face in my hands, I kissed him.
"I want you, Jerome…I don't know how to explain it, but I need you" I whispered feeling his hands suddenly on the cold skin of my back.
"Don't explain, just do whatever you want" exclaimed Jerome suddenly, kissing me with a fierce timber to his voice that thrilled me even as he denied me my place on top of him for one beneath him in the hay.
"I want you too, Jan, and I don't intend to deny either of us a thing" whispered Jerome, looking at me as he spoke, somehow managing to remove my clothes at the same time until I was naked beneath him.
He kissed me then with a passion that was akin to an inferno. I had never been this way, yet I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted him, so much so that as he kissed me, I was all too aware that he was still dressed on top of me. I wanted him naked. I wanted him inside of me. As those thoughts were running through my mind, my hands had always remained strictly on his chest, but as those thoughts remained in my mind, I let my hands move lower until I was gripping the waistband of his jeans. When I opened his jeans and started to remove everything he wore, he broke away to look at me.
"Are you sure…I would never do anything to hurt you, Janis…I could never—" whispered Jerome before my hand covered his lips altogether.
"I trust you, Jerome, I love you. You are more then my brother. I want you inside of me. I know exactly what I want, now, stop being so serious, and give it to me" I whispered the serious look on his face falling away as he stopped calling me Janis, going back to just Jan, and in that moment, he kissed me deeper and with more passion.
Jerome kissed me deeper still as he laid me down once more flat on my back. He held me with a firm grip as I felt his cock touching me between the legs as my legs widened as they loomed still around his waist. It was all so surreal until he was inside of me, his cock stretching me, and yet it felt delicious as he kissed me still until I was completely filled by him. And in that moment, nothing had ever been more euphoric.
"I love you too, you know…just like this…as more then a sister. You're the only thing I need, Jan" whispered Jerome holding each of my legs now to hold them around his waist.
I was surprised how easy it was for us to be together. For him to move inside me, so easily, without any pain or the tightness in my chest that I remembered. There was only the two of us as one person in that moment, with Jerome looking down on me with something akin to awe, and me looking up at him. Jerome had been my world for as long as I could remember. He had protected me since that night when I was ten and loved me my whole life. I had never pictured him as my lover, not until now, and I didn't know why we'd never seen this coming as he made love to me with a vigor that was amazing in the midst of the rain pounding around us outside the tent that night. In that moment, he became my God, my protector, and the love of my life. And I was his.
I had never thought I'd like sex after what happened to me. When I was raped, I remember crying and sobbing the whole time, and feeling dirty. Yet now, with Jerome, this was not the experience I was having. As he made love to me, fucking me hard and yet somehow slow at the same time, I had never felt more secure. I was safe in this moment. That was all I ever wanted, and Jerome gave that to me. If I had him, I was safe, and that means a lot even if your brother is crazy.
"Fuck, Jan, you feel amazing" said Jerome then as he moved inside of me, he pressed his face into my neck then one hand firmly gripping one of my breasts as my own hands gripped his hair and his back.
I knew it as he got closer to his end and I to mine. This was not what had happened to me before. That had been brutal, painful, and crass, but this was not that. It was enthusiastic, sweet, and romantic. It was the way two people who loved each other were supposed to have sex. It was completely right in every way. From the way he touched my breasts to the way he thrust up into me. It was perfect in the way he kissed me and in the way our bodies warmed after being cold from coming in out of the rain.
"You feel even better, Jerome…please, don't stop…Fuck me" I exclaimed, I was close as he pumped into me with the touch of a man who knew what he wanted.
I could feel his name on my lips as I gripped his upper back and when it happened, I found myself gripping his hair, and screaming as I came with him still fucking me with a tender touch. He didn't stop until he came with me, seconds later, with his hands touching my breasts and the swell of my ass. In that moment, all I could feel was our breathing as we came then came down from that feeling altogether.
"I know, Jan, I feel it too" gasped Jerome keeping his face hidden away in the skin of my neck.
We could have melted then, until we were one being, but we just laid there, two people who had become one. We laid there for a long time. It was still raining, the droplets pounding down around us onto the roof of the tent, and as it did our breathing joined that sound. It was an almost erotic sound that we both indulged in then as we laid there with the hay sticking to our bodies. I knew that we would both itch later, but I couldn't care. All I wanted was this moment with him and we had it. It wasn't until I made him look at me that it was broken. His eyes were no longer dangerous. They had taken on a look of complete tenderness mixed with something carnal and wild. Our eyes met, but we didn't say anything. We were lost together and happy in that moment as I touched his face. I really wanted him to kiss me, and he knew that. His lips dived low to capture mine and as he left my body, I winced.
I couldn't remember my life ever having a moment as blissful as this. I knew I wanted to repeat this night, he did too, I knew in the way that he touched me with that tender caress that was meant only for me. I knew it in the way that he broke away to look at me with the type of love I'd never seen in another person's eyes.
"We can't just go back to the way things were" whispered Jerome moving to lay next to me in the damp hay. His hair had fallen into his face again, but when I moved it, he caught my hand. It was his way of demanding an answer.
"I don't want to go back…I want this, Jerome, I want you" I exclaimed looking into his eyes. I moved to kiss him then and as I did, we both knew that nothing would ever be the same again.