Prompt #45 by insomny23: "Donna and Harvey are on a ferris wheel. Everything is going great until it get stuck at the very top - for 30 minutes. Things happen."
He's trapped in a literal Christmas wonderland. There are Christmas trees and wreaths and big red bows are scattered everywhere. There's a Santa Claus and an endless parade of elves and he's pretty sure he even saw an honest to god reindeer around the corner. Snowflakes lightly dust everything, fairy lights winking in the slowly darkening light.
It's impossibly crowded, parents lugging bags of gifts, excited children darting everywhere, sticky candy canes in hand, Santa hats slipping from their heads. He can smell cinnamon and pine and sugar in the air and the mindless holiday music is lodging itself deep in his brain and Harvey really can't believe Marcus forced him to come with them tonight. He supposes he shouldn't complain, he appreciates the effort his brother goes to, coming to New York so they can celebrate Christmas together a few days early because there's no way he'll go to Boston and risk seeing his mother for the holidays.
So really accompanying him, Katie and the kids to the Christmas fair is the least he can do to show his thanks, but that still doesn't change the fact it's the sort of place Harvey Specter wouldn't usually be caught dead at.
Donna would love it, he can't help but think. She's a holiday fanatic, loves any excuse to celebrate, and after Hallooween, Christmas is by far her favourite. She spends the whole month of December playing Christmas carols at her cubicle, trying to sneak decorations into his office and devouring an endless array of Christmas treats.
At least she used to. He's not sure if she is still embracing the holiday spirit from her new desk this year. It stings too much to walk down that end of the office and so he avoids her cubicle outside Louis's office as much as possible.
He tries not to think about her too much in general, because it makes his chest feel uncomfortable in a way he doesn't fully understand. But looking around at the wintery Christmas scene in front of him his brain can't help but continue to return to thoughts of his former secretary.
Thoughts that are so strong they can apparently summon her actual presence Harvey suddenly realises, as the group of people in front of him shift to the side and he finds himself staring directly at Donna.
He freezes in place at her unexpected appearance. His first cognitive thought is that she looks good. He doesn't get to see her casually dressed often, and with her jeans and festive green sweater, her hair loose and curlier than he sees in the office blown around her shoulders by the light breeze, she looks beautiful.
His heart thuds a little faster, like it does whenever he sees her now, and Harvey still doesn't know if it's a sign of an impending panic attack, guilt about what happened, if it's maybe happiness at being back around her or if in fact it's something else entirely he's too afraid to examine.
For a second he thinks about turning around and fleeing, which is ridiculous. He doesn't run away from anyone and just because she doesn't work for him anymore doesn't mean he has to avoid her. She's still Donna.
She spots him then, and her smile grows wide at first and then falters just a little, as though she initially forgot their current circumstances and was then reminded. They both tentatively close the remaining distance between them.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"What's Harvey Specter doing at a place like this?" she asks lightly with a tentative smile. It's their usual sort of banter, exactly the sort of thing she would normally say to him in this situation, but for some reason it still sounds off to his ears.
"Marcus," he answers simply.
"Oh right, the pre Christmas Christmas," she says.
He nods, something tugging low on his gut as he's reminded once more of just how well she knows him and all his secrets.
Donna glances over his shoulder, probably looking for them. She and Marcus are friends. Every other year Donna has always dropped by to wish him a Merry Christmas and shower the kids with presents. But not this year of course.
Marcus has pressed him a few times for details about what happened between them which Harvey has steadfastly refused to answer. The truth is he doesn't even know the answer to that question.
"They're lined up for Santa photos," he tells her. "Looks like it might take awhile."
Donna nods, and an awkward silence fills the air.
"You here alone?" he asks, just trying to fill the void but the question comes out sounding strangled in his throat.
"With Rachel and Mike," she explains, twisting around to point at the Ferris wheel behind them that he'd not even noticed, his eyes too focused on Donna. "They're up there," she adds.
There's a slight pout to her lips, a lick of jealousy almost he thinks in her tone.
"How come you're not riding?" He also knows her well, and he's pretty sure riding the Ferris wheel at the Christmas fair would have been high on her list of cliche holiday things to do.
"Didn't want to be a third wheel. And it's not that fun alone." Donna shrugs her shoulders, but he can tell she's disappointed.
The invitation sits on the tip of his tongue, but he hesitates because they're not them anymore. Not since he was an idiot and told her he loved her and she left him for Louis. He's been trying, they both have, to find their way back, but stiff formality still taints the air around them just like tonight. He hates it. Awkward had never been a part of their relationship, even after they crossed the line that one time, it has never been difficult being around her.
Until now.
Now he never knows what to say or how to talk to her anymore. Now there's hurt and confusion and lingering questions filling the spaces where he used to find comfort and peace. He misses the ease of their conversations and he misses her.
"Want me to ride with you?" He offers, deciding to try and take another small step back towards normality. Because he knows under normal circumstances Donna would have forced him on this ride the second she saw him.
"No, it's fine, you don't have to," she says, brushing him off with a wave of her hand.
"Donna." He tilts his head at her. "We're still us, okay. Any other time you'd drag me on that thing kicking and screaming."
She chuckles lightly, and he likes that he can at least still make her laugh.
"Consider it my Christmas gift to you," he adds.
She studies him for a moment but then nods. "Okay, let's go."
He buys their tickets and they join the line, the silence awkward between them once more and he feels tongue tied just trying to think of something to say. He guesses it must be the same for Donna because ordinarily she'd prattle on about anything and everything, filling him in on all the office gossip and tidbits of information that she knows he secretly loves to hear but will never admit to. But instead she remains silent as well.
The ride comes to an end and the operator begins emptying and refilling each carriage as it reaches the bottom. He should have guessed they'd end up trading places with Mike and Rachel. Mike stares at them open-mouthed when he notices them in line together, nudging Rachel with his elbow. Thankfully they exit on the opposite side of the ride to where he and Donna wait to board. Harvey rolls his eyes in Mike's direction at the kids overly excited look.
"Stupid puppy," he mutters under his breath as he takes a seat in the Ferris wheel carriage.
Donna laughs softly as she settles in beside him. "They just want things to be normal again between us," she murmurs, giving Rachel a little wave.
The Ferris wheel slowly begins to make its revolutions and even Harvey can admit the view is pretty from the top. Donna smiles happily as she looks around, pulling out her phone to snap a few pictures and he's glad he could do this one simple thing for her despite everything that's changed between them.
The carriage is small, cramped even and their legs are pressed against each other in a way that makes it hard for him to concentrate on anything else. He hasn't been this close, this alone with her in months. Not since that night at her apartment that changed everything.
They make awkward small talk as they spin around. He asks about her Christmas plans and she says she's spending a whole week visiting with her parents.
"Wow, how'd you manage to swing that?"
"Guess my new boss isn't such a grinch," she teases and he laughs initially before they both seem to pause, reminded once more of how different things now are.
"Actually Louis tried to make me work Christmas Day because it's not a Jewish holiday," she says, rolling her eyes.
Harvey raises his eyebrows, wondering how she went from that to a whole week off instead.
"Let's just say Norma wasn't the only one who knows his secrets."
She asks if he has his usual plans and he nods. He spends Christmas alone. It's easier. He doesn't want to feel like a burden on anyone else, or deal with the obligatory pitty invitations. If anyone asks he says he says he goes to Boston. But it's a lie. Only Donna knows the truth.
The conversation lapses once more after that. The wind is cold as the wheel revolves again, making Donna's hair flutter around her face. She smells like vanilla and cinnamon and he's not sure if it's her shampoo or just the scent of the fair clinging to her.
Their carriage has just reached the top of the wheel again when a shudder runs through the ride and all the lights of the festival disappear. They come to a grinding halt, dangling at the very top of the ride.
Donna lets out a small yelp, her hand suddenly gripping hard on to Harvey's leg.
"What happened," she cries, her eyes wide.
"The power probably just got tripped. Shouldn't take them long to fix it," he says, trying to calm her. Darkness blankets the fair and he can hear the rumble of concerned voices from down below as flashlights start switching on.
"Mmhmmm okay," she whimpers, her hand still clutching at his leg, knuckles turning white. The wind picks up a little, making their carriage sway with a squeak and Donna gasps again.
"Hey it's alright," he says. "I didn't know you were afraid of heights."
"I'm not," she grunts through gritted teeth. "I'm scared of fair rides with questionable safety that might collapse." He can hear the panic in her voice.
"It's not going to collapse. It's just a power outage, everything's fine."
"Okay," she repeats but her breathing is rapid and she still hasn't let go of her death grip on his leg. Her face is fearful, and he's never seen Donna like this before.
He forces her hand free, taking hold of it in his and giving it a squeeze, both wanting to comfort her, but also because she was actually starting to hurt him. She meets her eyes. "Just take a few deep breaths and you'll feel better. Copy me, in and out," he directs slowly.
Donna's eyes are still filled with trepidation but she follows his breathing pattern and after a few minutes he can see the calm begin to return to her face as she finally relaxes.
"Sorry," she whispers, slipping her hand free from his. "Don't know what happened."
"It's fine. Glad you're feeling better."
"Since when are you so good in a crisis," she says with a slightly wobbly smile.
Harvey raises his eyebrows at her in mock offence, pretending to be wounded by her words, while really giving himself a moment to consider his answer, since the breathing trick was something his doctor had recently taught him.
He hasn't told her about therapy. About his panic attacks. It's a big secret he has locked away from her and part of him likes it that way because he doesn't want to be weak in front of her, because of her, but he also knows her lack of knowledge is just another sign of how big the rift between them has grown.
"I've been seeing someone. A therapist," he adds quickly before she gets the wrong idea. "She taught me some tricks about how to stay calm when things get too much."
"Oh." Her lips form around the word like a perfect circle. He can tell she's surprised by this disclosure. "I didn't know things were…" she murmurs before trailing off, seeming unsure how to finish her sentence and he can tell she's hurt or saddened to discover she didn't know about this pretty big thing going on in his life.
"I had some panic attacks," he admits, glancing away. The fair is still in darkness and he really needs them to get this ride running again soon because he's not sure he's ready to have this conversation with Donna, even though he somewhat initiated it.
Her eyes go wide, shock and concern mixing in her irises. "I'm sorry Harvey. I didn't realise. I wish you'd told me so I could help."
He bites his lip, not sure how to tell her the truth, but she reads it on his face anyway.
"It was because I left," she states. He nods and her face falls, broken and stricken and a small part of him wonders how it took her this long to realise just how thoroughly she broke him by leaving. A very small unsavoury side of him briefly rejoices just a little at seeing her suffer, because he's tired of feeling so damn wounded by her actions and he wants to share the pain. But Paula has helped him see that Donna isn't the one to blame here, and he feels like an asshole for even considering letting her shoulder that responsibility for a second.
"That was just the trigger," he explains. "But there's a lot more to it than that. I'm working through it." He shrugs his shoulders a little helplessly.
"Your Mom?" Donna immediately guesses correctly. Her eyes soften on him, and he worries it might be pity. The look makes his throat feel tight and uncomfortable. Pity isn't something he ever wants.
So he makes a joke instead of answering her. "Anyone ever told you you should be a therapist?"
"Who's to say I'm not? I do work for Louis after all."
He chuckles, the sting of the mention of her new employer hurting a little less this time, but only a little.
"I'm sure he gives your skills a good workout."
Donna laughs. "That he does." She stares at him for a moment before adding, "I'm glad you told me Harvey."
He nods, not really sure what to say in response but he's also glad he told her, a tiny shift in the weight on his shoulders now that he's shared his secret. He somehow forgot just how much she always helped him feel better, even with just her mere presence. She was calming to him in a way he's never understood. He supposes it shouldn't be surprising to him that her departure from his life was met with panic.
"I miss you," he says, the confession slipping free without any conscious thought.
"I didn't go anywhere."
He just stares at her and eventually Donna sighs. "Yeah, I guess I did."
"You know it was the right choice though, don't you?" she adds.
"I don't know what I think anymore."
It's the truth. He doesn't know what to think, what to feel. Doesn't understand the meaning of anything that happened. And he really doesn't want to go there, doesn't want to address the elephant in the room anymore than they have already. But it's not like he can escape the conversation if Donna persists, unless he wants to scale the ferris wheel.
But instead she just purses her lips at him, clearly holding back from saying what she's thinking. Perhaps she too isn't ready to really go there.
They sit in uncomfortable silence for several more minutes. There's still no sign of things being fixed from the fair down below, streams of families appearing to have given up now heading towards the exits. The temperature feels like it's dropping every minute as the wind continues to buffer the carriage. Donna shivers beside him, wrapping her arms tight across her chest.
"Here." He slips his arms out of his leather jacket, shifting to drape it around her shoulders.
She clutches the edge of his jacket around herself, giving him a shy, grateful smile. "Thank you Harvey."
He nods before realising his hands are still resting on her shoulders and moves them back to his lap.
"I'm sorry. About everything," he says quietly, because he is. He didn't mean for his words to blow up in their faces like this.
"I don't want you to be sorry, Harvey," she sighs wistfully.
"Then what do you want?" He doesn't mean for the slight edge to cut his words but it does. He's never been more confused than the last two months. He's off balance searching for a way to make things right but apparently he just keeps failing her no matter what he does.
"I just….I want you to know what it means."
"Why does it have to mean anything?"
She exhales with irritation. "Because it does Harvey, even if you won't admit it, it does mean something."
"And what about you? You didn't have any answers either." His irritation flares because keeps pushing him to have an answer even though she said she didn't know what she wanted.
"But I was willing to discuss it and explore that. I was willing to find out. You never have been."
"I haven't been? I've never been allowed to go there Donna, don't you remember."
"That's bullshit and you know it. You've never followed a rule unless you wanted to."
"I told you I love you, isn't that breaking the rules enough for you?" His heart starts to beat faster in his chest just repeating the words. "I told you and then you left anyway, so tell me Donna, what does it matter what I meant."
Her face falls and she seems to deflate like a balloon, all the fight leaving her. "If you don't know why it matters, then maybe it really doesn't after all." She shakes her head, twisting her face away from him.
"Need I remind you that you said the same thing to me as well. I haven't been hounding you for an explanation," he mumbles, well aware of how petulant he sounds. But those three words have nigglied in the back of his mind since the moment she uttered them and then left him.
"Why not? Do you just not care?" She sounds defeated, hurt, and it shatters the last of his anger.
"I care, Donna." He says it low and quiet, but her eyes flick back to his, her gaze penetrating, hazel depths dragging him in, peering into his soul. Kind and soft and beautiful and all of a sudden he no longer understands why he's fighting against this so hard. Maybe he didn't know when he said it to her, but he knows now what he meant. But he's still not sure that knowing is enough.
"I meant it like you know I meant it. I just…" he pauses, struggling to work out how to explain. "I just can't seem to access it properly. But Donna, I meant those words."
Her mouth falls open, just a little, her sharp inhalation an exclamation point on his confession. Harvey just stares at her, feeling completely stripped bare and crumbling before her.
"I hope one day you can, because I meant it the same way," she whispers.
His heart begins to thunder in his chest, he can hear it loud in his ears.
"Donna."
He wants it to be easy. He wants to just lean in and kiss her, wants to be able to say all the right things and finally after all this time take a step down that road that leads towards them as more.
But he just doesn't know how to. He doesn't have all the answers, he doesn't have any guarantees and he might be a gambler but she isn't something he's ever been willing to risk.
She staring at him, waiting, open, emotion gleaming in her eyes. He wants to kiss her so badly, his eyes flicking to her lips. And maybe he can take that step, maybe that's how he finds the answers. By taking it one step at a time.
He leans in, and a tremble runs through Donna, her lips parting just a little, inviting him. He's an inch from her lips when suddenly light blooms in front of his eyes and a chorus of cheers ring out.
They both jump as the Ferris wheel begins to move once more, jerking apart and the moment instantly shatters. He can't help but wonder if it was fate pulling him back from making a terrible mistake.
The ride operator quickly springs into action, slowing the Ferris wheel down and thankfully they're the first carriage to stop at the bottom. Harvey breathes a sigh of relief as he is finally able to exit the cursed ride.
He waits for Donna to join him outside the barrier. She looks nervous, unable to meet his eye and there's that awkward feeling between them yet again, although for entirely different reasons now.
"I should go find Mike and Rachel," she mutters, glancing around.
Harvey thinks about his brother for the first time since spotting Donna in the crowd. "Yeah, guess I better track down Marcus," he muses out loud, shuffling his feet. He doesn't want to leave things like this, even more unclear, but he has no idea what to say.
"Well Merry Christmas Harvey," Donna says, plastering what he knows is a fake smile on her face. "Thanks for the ride, sorry it turned out…well you know how."
"Merry Christmas Donna," he replies softly, still stuck, still thinking what to say.
"I'll see you around then," she says hesitantly, giving him one final look before turning to leave. He can't let her leave, not like this. Not without doing something first.
"Donna," he calls, moving after her.
She turns back around, almost colliding with his chest and he doesn't think, doesn't hesitate any longer. He captures her cheeks in his hands and presses his lips to hers. They're soft and warm, sweet like sugar. But best of all they kiss him back. Slow and gentle, and reasonably chaste, but she kisses him back and it feels like heaven.
"Harvey," she eventually gasps, pulling back.
"When you get back, I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with me?"
Surprise flashes over her face. "I'd like that," she answers with a smile and his heart leaps.
"Good." He leans in pressing a final soft kiss to her lips. "Goodnight Donna."
"Goodnight Harvey."
She turns to leave a second time then, but gives him a shy smile over her shoulder as she goes. He winks back at her and he swears he sees her blush.
He's terrified and exhilarated and he thinks he'll probably be shit at the whole dating thing. But she's worth it, she's always been worth it.
He's got a grin from ear to ear when he finally catches back up with Marcus and the kids, but he just shakes his head at brother's curious look. He's afraid he might jinx everything if he even talks about what just happened yet.
But something cracks open inside him after that. A clarity of sorts and he knows what he needs to do. The next morning he goes to Boston with Marcus, much to his younger brother's immense surprise.
He spends Christmas fixing things with his mother, finally letting go of the hurt and the betrayal and the regret. Letting go of the past so he can move forward with his future.
One week later Harvey is waiting for Donna at her front door the day she returns from her holiday, flowers in hand and a reservation scheduled for later that night at her favourite restaurant. They never make it to dinner though, and instead they eat shitty Thai takeout on her couch while she wears his shirt over her naked body. He thinks maybe he's not so bad at this dating thing after all.