It has been a MINUTE since I was on this site, let alone writing for it. Yet, here I am. I may try and restart "Surrender Rollins" but I no longer have the original document, nor do I feel the urge to restart that right now. I may take it down and completely rewrite it because it's a few years old at this point, and I know my writing has changed. We shall see what I decide. Maybe lmk what you think I should do? Thanks, and I hope you enjoy this story that came to me while rewatching SVU.
This is set in season 15, but also may contain spoilers for season 16.
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He approached her apartment door, pausing briefly. Would she even open the door for him? Did he even want to talk to her right now? She had been sent home by Cragen after their blow-up in the cribs.
She immediately fled to the crib, unable to take the stares and angry glare from Nick and the rest of the officers in the precinct. She had fucked up. She should not have said that to Liv, but she couldn't stop the words from coming.
"Oh, I don't have to pay for someone to listen to my problems."
Fuck. Regret flooded her veins the second the words left her lips, but like her teachers always said, you can't take it back once it's out there. She ran her hands through her hair, pulling just hard enough to cause her scalp to burn.
"Damn it…" she mumbled to herself as she paced between the bunks. Fresh tears sat on the brims of her eyelids, memories flooding her mind.
She was torn back to reality when the door flung open, and she dropped her hands to her hips.
"What the hell, Amanda?" Nick spat. "You serious?"
She scoffed. "Now I've got you on my back too? What is it with the two of you, huh?" She quipped as she got closer to him, her eyes locking with his. "Can't leave me be, can you?"
He let the door swing to a close, the bang startling her slightly. "Why would you say that to her?"
"It's nothin' that ain't true." She sneered as she turned to face the windows. "You've been smotherin' me for days now. I can't take it."
"She's just looking out for you."
"She's got a funny way of showing it."
Nick laughed. "Seriously, Amanda?"
She just shrugged, and he took a step closer to her, his face nearly touching her own.
"You were here for those four days, you know what happened." His voice was getting louder, more aggressive. "She's just getting back on her feet. Back the hell off of her."
He was yelling now, and she only felt the urge to match his anger. "Always protectin' everyone, right Nick?" She put her palms on his chest. "Back off."
She pushed him and he stumbled into one of the metal chairs, sending it across the room after falling to the ground. As if a cue, Cragen walked in.
"What is going on in here?" He asked. "Both of you need to calm down."
Nick stole one more look at her, his eyes saying more than his words ever could. "I'm fine, cap. She's the one who needs help."
With that, Nick pushed past Cragen and disappeared behind him. Amanda struggled to keep her emotions hidden, hands going back to her hair and eyes blinking furiously.
"Rollins, you good? It's been a tough — "
"I'm fine, cap."
"Take the rest of the day."
She opened her mouth to protest, but he cut her off.
"Not negotiable. Clear your head."
Now, hours later, he stood outside her apartment door unable to bring himself to knock. A crash from inside the apartment rid him of his apprehension and he sprung into action.
"Amanda? Are you okay? It's Nick."
Nothing. He fished his keys from his pocketing, his fingers settling on the bronze spare key she had given him a few months ago. He kept one hand on the butt of his glock. "Amanda? I'm coming in."
Once unlocked, he let the door slowly swing open, revealing the dimly lit hallway and kitchen. Empty beer cans littered the countertop along with a half full bottle of Vodka.
"Rollins?"
Shuffling and movement came from couch. She slowly came into his view, his eyes taking a moment to take in her appearance and apartment.
"Amanda, what…"
She was dressed in sweatpants and an NYPD hoodie, the one he had let her keep after one night when she hadn't packed a bag. Blonde hair fell in tangled knots just below her shoulder blades and her hand clutched another half full bottle of wine.
"How nice of you to come check up on me," she said sarcastically, the words rolling off her tongue with venom. "My very own knight in shining armor."
"Listen, I wanted to apologize. We were both angry and upset —"
"Upset?" She scoffed, sniffled and took a swig from the open bottle. "I wasn't upset Nick."
He took another step into the apartment and allowed the door to close. Getting closer to her, he could see the black rim of makeup residue under her eyes. "What then, Amanda? What you said was out of line, but it's over, it's in the past. Liv will forgive you."
She laughed. Not the light, beautiful sound he was used to and craved at times, but a deep mumble from her chest as she brought the bottle back up to her lips. "She'll forgive me, huh? How the hell would you know that?"
He was confused. She was clearly drunk. The way she stumbled a bit closer to him, so close that he could smell the alcohol on her. Before he could speak, she continued, barely speaking above a whisper.
"It's all my fault."
"Rollins —"
Another drink, another curt laugh. "Don't act like you haven't been blamin' me either." She took another step towards him, her icy blue eyes looking directly into his. "I brought him in, started… started all of this."
"You can't honestly think Liv… or any of us blame you for what Lewis did—"
"I see the way you all look at me, and her." The bottle found its way back to her lips. "Shit, the way I look at her."
It hit him. She really did blame herself for Olivia's abduction. She had been the one to call them all in that weekend, introducing Lewis to Olivia. He looked back to her, noticing the tear streaming down her cheek as she took another drink. It had been months since that first encounter, how had he missed this?
He didn't know what to say to her, how to make her realize she was not at fault. "Amanda, slow down, you're mixing a lot of — "
"Oh, now you're lookin' out for me again, aren't you?" She laughed. "I'm fine, Nick."
"Amanda, give me the bottle and we can talk."
Again, she laughed and smiled at him. The smile never met her tear-filled eyes. "Remember, I don't need to pay for someone to listen to my problems. I don't need to talk."
He was getting frustrated, the conversation was going nowhere expect fueling her drinking and self-hatred. "Stop it, you were upset, you didn't mean — "
She slammed the bottle onto the wooden coffee table, swaying slightly as she stepped even closer to him. "No, you don't know, Nick! Don't try and tell me everything is fine. It's not. Nothing is and never will be again because of what I did." Her finger was pointed at his face, her eyes failing to hold back the emotion and pain any longer. "If I hadn't brought him, Liv never would have been…" her voice paused, a hand clasping over her mouth. "She never would've…"
Sobs took over her body and Nick reflexively wrapped his arms around her small frame as she sank down, dragging him with her. Instead of trying to reason or speak to her, he kept her wrapped in his arms, rubbing small circles on her back as she sobbed.
As she began to settle in his arms, he could feel the tension slowly returning to her body and the sobs were replaced with an eerie silence.
Quietly and gently, he spoke. "Talk to me."
She hesitated. She fussed with the bottom of her shirt, her eyes unfocused and dazed, the alcohol binge beginning to catch up with her. "I mess up wherever I go."
He leaned back just far enough to look at her. "Amanda, that's not true. The gambling is under control, you're workin' your program, everything is getting back to normal."
She stayed quiet. "It's always my fault," she mumbled again, "I should've known."
Nick shook his head. "You had no way of knowin' what was gonna happen."
She nodded. "Ye-yes, I… I did." Her words began to slur, "I knew what he wa-as… wha-at he wanted."
Nick's stomached curled. "Amanda…"
"I should've… left that motel room." She unwrapped himself from his arms, quickly standing up and swaying slightly. He rose to meet her, but she stepped away from him and coiled her arms around her torso. "It's my fault, I should've le-eft and the-en he wouldn't have…"
Nick's heart dropped. Not this. "What… what are you talking about?"
She shook her head, and it was as if that was all it took to bring her back to reality and out of her alcohol-induced haze. Her head shook again. "Uh, no… it's, it's no-othing. I shouldn't have said all that."
"I can see that whatever it is, it not nothing."
"Just drop it, Nick. I'm a big… a big girl."
Nick took another step towards her. "Liv mentioned something you said a while back… "nothing worth pursuing"… is this what she was talking about?"
Amanda dropped her head back and closed her eyes. "Of course she told you…"
"She was worried about you."
She scoffed again. "I'm sure she was."
"Amanda," he tried to meet her eyes, "tell me what's going on."
She locked eyes with him, the icy glare resuming its place, still slightly clouded from the alcohol haze. "It is nothin', and I don't wanna talk about it. I walked into it."
She went to push past him, but tripped over his shoe. He reached out to grab her arm to stop her fall and she violently pushed his hand away, jumping back into the wall. "Don't touch me."
"Okay," he said quietly, looking at her small frame against the wall. Still struggling to process what she had just admitted to him, he took a small step back from her to give her some space. "Why don't we call it a night, we can talk in the morning."
Her hands went back up to her hair, fingers failing to comb through the knotted curls. "You'd better not be here in the mornin'… and you'd better not tell Liv any of this."
He stayed silent. He wanted to help her, but he had no idea where to start.
She cut his thoughts off. "She's got enough on her plate, right?" Her eyes met his, hers swirling with unreleased pain and his filled with confusion and empathy. "Night, Nick."
She peeled herself off the wall and walked over to her bedroom door, standing on shaky legs and looked back at Nick who still stood in the middle of the living room.
"This… this never happened." She said as she turned into her room and shut the door.
Nick was frozen. Unsure of what to do and not wanting to invade her privacy or make her uncomfortable, he did the only thing he could think to do.
He left her alone, only hoping to make amends and figure out what to do next.
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Thanks for reading! Please leave a review if you enjoyed :)
I still haven't decided if I will continue this or leave it as a one-shot… LMK what you all want.