Chapter 1: Hell Hound of Siberia
In a section of the South China Sea, a Vietnam War era vessel with a built in torpedo launcher made landfall on a nearby port island with a US cargo liner. The company that owned the vessel, the so named "Black Lagoon'' company had seized the ship to commandeer a set number of goods from said ship.
Now the team in question, consisting of a large muscled black man with shades, a blonde guy with glasses and long hair, a Chinese American woman with red-violet colored hair, and a former Japanese businessman were all sitting at a bar on said island which was surrounded by a single revine and lots of open coastal desert.
"Well, that was stressful." The ex-businessman sighed.
"Oh man up. You'll get used to it eventually." The woman sighed as she drank her glass of Plantation five year rum.
"Easy for you to say, Revy, you've been at it longer than Rock here." The bespectacled blonde retorted, sipping his own beer.
"Why don't you zip it, Benny?!" Revy barked. The larger man beside Rock, meanwhile, seemed to be rather quiet as he drank an Old Fashioned made with Maker's Mark, Angostura Orange bitters, simple syrup, and a twist of orange.
"What's wrong, Dutch?" Rock asked.
Before anything else could be said, the entire upper half of the bar suddenly got removed from the rest of it. Outside were dozens of gunmen who started shooting up the place, even the booze.
The entire Lagoon company quickly ducked behind the bar as the building's sign—which read Qui Gon Jinn Spirits and was riddled with bullet dents—fell square to the ground before falling over, revealing that the only table in the bar that was left standing had a man sitting at it who had been drinking a glass of Sarsaparilla and Rum during the entire shootout.
The figure in question was a tall man with spiky black hair and light blue eyes with a beauty mark below his left eye and a rather lanky looking build while still looking very fit. He was wearing a crimson red button-up coat, a black shirt under said coat, black pants, similarly colored boots, and gloves. Lastly he also had a three headed dog tattoo on the side of his neck, a necklace with a Greek jakhama on a small chain, and lastly a holster on his hip that had a large nickel colored 45 Long Colt hand cannon with a black handle.
But what really made the mercenaries look at him strangely for, was the black and white furred pitbull that was sleeping next to the chair he was sitting in. The canine was not even the least bit phased by what just occurred.
"All that, and they somehow missed him?" Rock whispered in disbelief.
"That guy's either gotta be extremely lucky, or just really oblivious." Benny nodded as they continued to hide as the group's leader stepped into view.
"Well, I finally found you." The very large man said, his distended earlobes making him look like a punk ass statue of Buddha. "Hades, Hellhound of Siberia." He continued, the name seemingly causing the man to tense up, cluing the others in that it was his name.
"Oh shit, he's here?!" Dutch hissed in shock. Before anyone could ask, The now identified Hades got up and looked at the gang, before he pulled out his hand cannon and pointed it at them and pulled the trigger… again, again and again, only for nothing to happen all three times.
That caused the gunmen to grin as Hades looked into the revolving chambers, finding no bullets inside. He looked terrified, which then turned to sheepish as he backed away, only to get fired upon and just barely dodged the bullets fired at him. The Black Lagoon members facepalmed at the display, minus a baffled Rock who didn't know how he should react to all this.
As the goons started looking for the man, the mercs then started crawling away, unseen by the rest of the other people.
(Later)
As Dutch led his crew back to their boat, they soon had to hide as a man walked with his gun pointed up, before Hades suddenly popped his head out of the ground and caused the man to trip and fall over as the bespectacled man started taking in deep breaths.
"I thought I was gonna suffocate for a minute there!" He wheezed as he got out of the ground. "Hi there! Don't mind me, thanks for nothing guys." He added as he started pick pocketing the unconscious man. "Almost bought the farm back there, it's actually a miracle I got away with it this time." He nodded.
"Hey, I found him!" A gunman shouted, prompting Hades to chuck a stone at his head and knock him out.
"Phew. Safe." He sighed in relief… only for more gunmen to appear and start shooting him, forcing him to the cover.
"Should we help him or something?" Rock whispered to Dutch.
"Not unless you wanna get caught in the crossfire." The man told him as they continued on.
"That guy's a total dumbass." Revy noted as she walked around the unconscious man Hades knocked out, only to notice that the pitbull from before popped his head out of the same hole he was in.
The dog looked at Dutch before jumping out of the hole and ran up to him. Before the man could react, the canine had snatched his canteen and ran off.
"Wha—hey!" He exclaimed indignantly.
(Later)
"They sure are persistent." Hades said as he hid behind a cliff curve as his dog ran up to him, handing him the canteen. "Thanks, Spot." He said as he drank the offered water, right as another man came their direction.
As said man rounded a corner, Hades decided to throw him off. "Hey! I'm a total sitting duck over here!" He yelled, throwing his voice to the rock behind the man, who started shooting at the rock. Hades then decided to be cheeky and had the guy use his bullets to draw himself.
After that silly debacle, he knocked the man out and quickly ran off.
(Elsewhere)
Meanwhile with the Lagoon company they were trying to get their stuff so that they could book it out of the area before things got any worse. And Rock was on the radio with the middle man of their job: the Russian Mob boss Balalaika.
"Balalaika, listen! There's someone here, and he seems really important!" He told her.
"Please. Who could possibly be so important that you sound so urgent?" The woman questioned in a chill tone.
"Does the name Hades, The Hellhound of Siberia mean anything to you, sis?" Revy questioned.
"... Did he have black hair, a pair of glasses, a red trench coat and a large revolver?" The mob boss questioned, suddenly sounding serious.
"Um, yeah?" Rock replied, a little put off by the sudden change. There was a moment of silence as the phone was covered on the other end.
(Elsewhere)
Meanwhile at Hotel Moscow in Roanapur, Balalaika looked at her right hand. "Ivan, get the cement bags, guns and the fire extinguisher. All hell is about to break loose." The scarred blond woman said as she covered the phone with her hand.
"Yes, ma'am!" Ivan nodded as he rushed to get the specified materials for the upcoming shit storm.
(Elsewhere)
Meanwhile back with the others, they started to get their things packed right as Hades came jogging up to them. And from where they were standing, Rock soon took notice of a box he had in his lap as the man sat on a crate. It was a box of assorted doughnuts that Benny had bought for him, Revy and Dutch after the job.
"We really gotta get out of here before things get fucking worse!" Revy growled as she got a back stored.
"Jeez, that sounds pretty rough!" The black haired man said as he tossed Spot a doughnut, getting their attention.
"What the-! Where'd you come from?!" Rock yelped in surprise.
"I walked." The abnormal man shrugged in reply.
"Gimme those!" Revy barked as she snatched the doughnuts from the blond man.
"So, what're you guys doing here, exactly?" Hades asked as he swiped his doughnut box again and started eating another one of the pastries.
"We were relaxing, until those dipshits showed up and ruined the bar we were at just to get to you." Revy told him as she twirled one of her pistols while trying to grab the box again.
"Yeah, sorry about that. I don't know why but everywhere I go people just start shooting at me." The man shrugged as he scratched his dog behind the ear. "Guess I just have one of those faces." He added.
'Wha… Is he dense?!' The former businessman thought in disbelief before he looked at Dutch. "You never did mention how big his bounty is." He noted.
"It's sixty billion dollars dead or alive." Dutch explained before looking at the walking disaster. "Preferably dead." He added.
"Oh…" The rookie pirate whistled before something clicked in his head. "Hey, wait a minute! I remember him causing some collateral damage at my old business!" He exclaimed in remembrance.
"You serious? What happened?" Benny questioned as Hades and Revy continued to argue and Spot started barking at the woman.
"He was in the building I used to work at when it happened. He was being casual at first, and when mercenaries showed up, BAM! He literally used half the building as a weapon to get away!" Rock explained, shuddering at the memory. "I had nightmares for months about that!" He added. Benny and Dutch looked at each other, unable to tell if the tale was true or not.
"You sure he was using the building as a weapon? Or as a room full of shields?" The blondie questioned.
"No idea." Rock shrugged before the thugs came towards them again, and true to form, both Hades and Spot disappeared again, much to Revy's annoyance and confusion—as she had still been arguing with them.
"What… How the… What?!" She shouted as she tried to find the blond man, to no avail.
"Oh great…" Rock sighed in annoyance. As the Mercenaries looked around for Hades, an unconscious guy from one of the previous fights started moving again.
"Where're you going?" One of the other goons questioned him.
"To the potty, sir." The unconscious body responded.
"Oh, okay." The first one shrugged… right before he suddenly started shooting the unconscious body, prompting Hades to drop it so he could dodge the bullets. This then led to him running up a hillside while hopping around like he was walking on hot coals to avoid getting shot, yelping all the while.
The Black Lagoon gang just looked at the scene with flat looks on their faces. Rock was the one to speak up.
"This is the guy that trashed my old job location?" He questioned aloud before shaking his head. "Unbelievable." He sighed.
"Hard to believe he's the one they call "the human shitstorm"." Benny noted as they got everything they came for, while Spot sat down next to him and watched his master at work.
"Ayeyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!" Hades yelled as he came flying out of the air right as the leader of the gang shot an RPG at him, only for the human typhoon to deliver a kick to the projectile that returned it to sender!
"What the?!" The giant man gasped as the gunslinger landed behind him as the rocket flew towards them.
"Big toys sure are fun, but you could get hurt!" The man said with a cat-like grin as he slapped a screw on the man's prosthetic leg, causing it to jam and lock up before jumping away. The man instantly fell on his back, unable to get up before the rocket collided with him and blew him up.
As this occurred, Hades then turned around. "Hey, you there! You better watch out!" He called out to one of the other mooks by a stone pillar.
"Yeah? What for?" He called back right as an explosive made the pillar collapse on top of him.
"Oh. Just a little too late." Hades muttered with a blink, and then seconds later the stick grenade the mook had rolled to his feet, which made him and the Lagoon company pale. "Oh no!" He said as he jumped back right as it exploded and caused the entire ravine to cave in.
Everyone watched as everything was completely destroyed by a thousand tons of rock. Yet another large amount of collateral damage was committed.
"… This guy is a fucking walking nightmare." Revy said as Spot tried to comfort his owner, who was lamenting the destruction that had occurred.
"Then I bet he'd fit in great in Roanapur." Benny nodded.
"Benny, if you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, then you have completely lost your mind." Dutch said before the red clad gunslinger turned to them.
"Hey… I know you guys are probably busy, but do you think I could hitch a ride with you to Roanupur? I got an appointment I gotta keep and no way to get there." The young man chuckled nervously. The gang glanced at one another.
"... Should we?" Rock asked cautiously.
"I don't like it." Dutch said.
"Hey, it's not like a ride home is all that much." Benny stated.
"That's when one of our passengers doesn't happen to be one of the absolutely fucking unluckiest people on the damn planet." Revy retorted. Silence filled the air again as Hades whistled idly to pass the time, before Rock spoke up.
"Let's take him, but let's also be careful about it. Emphasis on careful." He said. "Sounds good?" He asked. The team nodded between themselves which made the red clad gunman to light up like a Christmas tree.
"Yeah!" He cheered as the others sighed. It was going to be a long trip.
Dragon Emperor0: The Law of Physics known as Murphy's Law takes on a whole new meaning in the case of Hades here, doesn't it?
ThermalsniperN7: Indeed it does. This guy is the unluckiest guy out there.
Dragon Emperor0: And he's one of my favorite archetypes: The Crouching moron Hidden Badass. So this is definitely gonna add a level of insanity to the Black Lagoon plot… it's gonna be fun. Anyway guys, later.