A/N: Ask for a Christmas themed one shot, and you shall receive ;) A chapter exploring what happens when Jane and Maura finally give in to each other. A little angsty, with equal parts filth. Don't be shy - if this floats your boat and you wanna see more like this, let me know.
The song lyrics indicated with * throughout are from the song 'Girl Crush' by Little Big Town, and were the inspiration for this story.
NSFW, proceed at your own risk!
* I've got a girl crush,
Hate to admit it but,
I got a hard rush,
It's slowin' down *
She's had crushes in the past, but Maura Isles is certain that she has never felt so strongly about anyone as she does for Jane Rizzoli.
She looks up at the ceiling blankly before she turns onto her side, trying to find a comfortable spot where she lies on her living room couch, too upset to settle in her large, lonely bed. The tears in her eyes shine in the cheery glow of the Christmas lights that she's dressed the tree in and she sighs deeply, fingers gripping the blanket she's tucked around herself.
Tonight had been the annual Christmas party of the Boston Police Department, and despite trying her best to avoid it Maura had been unable to invent a good excuse not to go, leaving her no option but to attend.
She's not one for remorse, but as her mind churns through a play by play of the resultant row that she and Jane had, Maura feels like she's drowning in devastation.
* I got it real bad,
Want everything she has,
That smile and that midnight laugh,
She's givin' you now *
Months ago, after Jane's abrupt coming out, Maura had spent too long determining how best to tell Jane how she felt and had entirely missed the opportunity to open up to her former best friend.
She still pines for Jane - of course, she does. But the last six months of watching Jane roll from one nameless woman to the next as she explores this new chapter of her life had left Maura jealous and so very, very miserable.
Her stomach twists bitterly at the thought, cheeks reddening at the humiliation of earlier in the evening when she'd indulged in a couple of drinks for courage and proceeded to take Jane to one side and tell her exactly what she thought of her behaviour.
"Do you even know her name, Jane?"
"Yeah, sure I do." Jane looks at the blonde she'd met a couple of hours ago at the bar and back to Maura, hoping the smug smile she forces hides the shock of Maura speaking to her after weeks of radio silence.
"Audrey. No, wait…Amber? Yeah, Amber." She drains the last of the beer she's holding and thumps the bottle down onto the table unceremoniously.
"Why are you so concerned, Maura? You shun me for weeks, and now you wanna talk about who I'm dating?"
"Dating?" Maura scoffs and Jane rolls her eyes, seizing her blazer from the back of her chair and sliding it on.
"Fine, fucking. That better?"
She pivots before Maura has a chance to scold her, striding over to the doors that lead to the balcony and out into the cold, crisp night. She glimpses around, relieved that she's alone. The dulled sounds of celebration fill the air behind her and she leans onto the wrought iron railings, hands coming to rub her tired eyes as she peers down at the city below.
She knew coming to this party was a bad idea, but the prospect of another night alone and miserable in her bed had been the driving force of her choice, propelling her towards the first woman that gave her any attention. She'd unwittingly become a pro at smooth-talking women into going home with her, preferring to spend nights occupying her mind - and body - with anyone but...
Maura.
She thought she'd seen all the signs. They'd spent every waking moment together, if not at work then at home, even sleeping next to each other in the same damned bed. They'd kissed - once, in Maura's kitchen. They'd been laughing about something that Jane can't recall now, clinging to each other as they guffawed, gasping for air through amused tears. It'd been Jane who'd made the first move, dizzy with joy and overwhelmed at this beautiful, funny woman who laughed hard at her jokes and made Jane feel fully worthy of space she took up in the world.
Maura had been straightening up, dabbing happy tears from her cheeks when Jane had encased Maura in a hug. It was all she'd intended really - one hug, one chance to be a little closer than usual, still trying to judge if there was something other than just friendship there. Maura had leaned into her, sighing an almost inaudible sigh of what Jane judged was contentment and then Jane had kissed her for as long as she'd dared before they'd sprung apart, neither of them knowing how to react. Maura had hastily excused herself and fled to another room and things between them had been off ever since.
Pride dented, Jane had kept Maura at arm's length, cycling through empty one night stands whilst depriving herself of any kind of satisfaction. It was nice to be the centre of someone's world, just for a little while, even if it meant acquiring an unsightly reputation for being a serial player.
She's collecting her thoughts, bracing for the next few hours of senseless chitchat and fixing a smile back onto her face when the doors swing open and she's no longer alone.
"Jane."
She doesn't respond. She'd planned on getting blind drunk and having fun, not being bullied into facing the reality of her pathetic, desolate life by the one person she'd hoped not to bump into tonight.
"Jane?" Her voice is softer now and Jane laughs at the absurdity of the situation, wrenching to look at Maura.
"Don't say my name like that. No, you know what? Don't say it all. It's Rizzoli to you, or detective if you're feeling spicy." It's childish and stupid, but the fleeting look of suffering on Maura's face is a reward that Jane takes greedily.
"Why are you acting like this?"
"Why am I acting like this?" Jane mocks, turning fully now, hands coming to her hips defensively.
"Why are you even here? What good did you think would come of it? And what makes you think you have the right to come in here and start interrogating me about what I do or who I see?"
She's more irate than she'd first thought, heartbeat thudding in her ears as she scowls at Maura.
"It was obviously a mistake to come tonight."
"You bet it was. So why don't you go and leave me to get on with my fucking life whilst you live yours? Isn't that what you wanted?"
Maura visibly hardens, taking a few steps towards Jane.
* I want to taste her lips
Yeah, 'cause they taste like you
I want to drown myself
In a bottle of her perfume *
"You're a lot of things Jane, but I never took you to be heartless. Discarding women like used playthings, devoid of any sort of respect for them or yourself. People talk, and believe me when I say it isn't in your favor."
The words are like a stinging slap across Jane's face and she gapes open-mouthed at Maura, incapable of thinking of a quick enough comeback.
"I'm happy that you've found the freedom to be so out and open, but there's only so much I can take of watching you hit the self destruct button. You've destroyed everything that we had, erased years of friendship and maybe even love, just so yo-"
"I've destroyed everything? Me? What about you?"
"I had hope for us."
"Us? What us? There was never an us, Maura. You made sure of that."
"All I wanted was time. Time to think and plan and-"
"Plan what? You broke my heart Maura, I don't think anything you say or do will hurt as much as that."
Maura shifts uncomfortably, clutching her jacket tighter around her body. Jane can tell that she's ever so slightly tipsy, and she's about to make a crude observation about it when Maura bursts into tears, pressing a hand to her mouth.
Jane's anger eases slightly, her temper thrown off by the unexpected outburst of emotion.
"When you…" Maura starts, trailing off as she frustratedly scrubs the tears from her eyes, a second wind of rage rushing through her.
"The day that you kissed me was one of the best of my life. And I foolishly let myself think that maybe you felt the same."
"You stormed off Maura! You couldn't get away from me fast enough, and the next day you acted like nothing had happened. You were so fucking cold. I thought you hated me."
"I was trying to process what it meant - trying to give you space to make sure you didn't regret it."
"The only thing I regret is not following you that day." Jane sighs tiredly, voice wavering.
"I had to hear from Frost, of all people, that you're jumping from one bed to the next with any woman you set eyes on. Every woman but me. I don't think I was ever enough for you."
"Maura, stop. Stop it." Jane hangs her head in shame, not ready to face the consequences of her actions. She'd never intended to hurt Maura - quite the opposite, she'd gone out of her way to give her a wide berth, hoping that if she gave Maura time to think she'd return to Jane. She hadn't known that Maura had done the same for her and had, admittedly, dived feet first into a hunt for anyone else to try and guard herself against any more heartbreak.
"I waited, Maura. I waited for you to come to me, for us to talk, but you never did."
"Two weeks. Two weeks and you'd moved on."
"Moved on? I haven't moved on. I can't move on."
Maura closes the gap between them now, shoving a hand against Jane's chest and pushing her back in exasperation.
"I came to your house one night, two weeks after we kissed, and you were already, as you so graciously put it, fucking someone else."
"Aww, did it hurt your feelings? Maybe you should have just fucking let yourself in, I'm sure we coulda made room for you."
"Fuck you." Maura's eyes glaze with outrage and Jane, sensing the fury she's beginning to provoke, holds her hands up in surrender.
"I don't have to defend myself to you. You didn't want me, and you're jealous that someone else got there because you decided you didn't have time for me. You have to live with that choice. Not me."
"I do. Do you have any idea how much it hurts?"
"How much what hurts? Being an ice-cold bitch? Well boohoo Maura, let me get you a fucking tissue."
Jane knows she's crossed a line even before the words are out of her mouth and she moves to exit, pushing past Maura cooly. She's at the doors, hand resting on the handle when Maura utters something that stops her in her tracks.
"I loved you. How wrong I was to think you could love me too."
She'd had nothing left to say. Nothing left to lose.
She'd met Jane at the door, pressing past her as she'd made her way out. Maura hadn't allowed herself to feel until she'd arrived home and had sealed the door behind her, sliding down it as she'd wept uncontrollably, staying there until her body ached from the cold floor. She'd forced herself to her feet, methodically following her evening routine until she'd found herself here, heart heavy and eyes burning as she willed sleep to come.
* I want her long blond hair,
I want her magic touch,
Yeah, 'cause maybe then,
You'd want me just as much. *
Although she'd meant every word, Maura can't help but think she was too cruel, knowing exactly what to say to push Jane's buttons. She'd expected the retaliation but hadn't been prepared to hear that she had nobody to blame but herself for the indecisiveness and apprehension that had ultimately ended their friendship as they knew it. She'd be lying if the thought hadn't crossed her mind previously, but for her sanity she'd refused to accept that it was solely her fault, instead choosing to believe that Jane had simply moved on.
If only she'd followed her heart instead of following her head. If only she'd moved through her fear and her self imposed boundaries and seized the opportunity - and Jane - whilst she'd had the chance.
She's not sure she'll ever be able to forgive herself.
She twists, knocking her pillow to the floor as she tries to find comfort, nausea settling in her stomach. She needs something to force her mind to be quiet. She prefers not to induce sleep, but if there was ever a time to resort to self-medicating, it's tonight.
She's untangling her lower half from the blanket when her phone rings shrilly, splitting the stillness and jolting her upright in surprise. She considers ignoring it - there are plenty of other M.E's who'd be better off answering a call out, especially given her current mental state. The ringing stops for a few seconds and when it starts again without pause Maura relents, snatching her phone from the coffee table and answering without looking. Maybe a few hours devoted to work is precisely what she needs right now.
"Isles."
"I wanted you. I want you, Maura."
Maura holds the phone away to check the time and the caller ID, then brings it back to her ear gingerly.
"It's gone three."
"I know. I can't sleep. I…" Jane trails off, clearing her throat before continuing, "I want you to hear me out. Can you?"
Maura makes a noise of confirmation, and after a few seconds of silence, Jane begins to speak.
"I'm so tired of this. Going out of our way to avoid each other, when all we're doing is hurting. I'm tired of chasing fake happiness, all so I don't have to deal with the fact that I don't get the happiness I wanted with you. I know that you probably can't stand me, but I can't let tonight end the way it did without at least trying to explain. I'm not justifying what I've done. I know how it looks. I've been trying to fill this fucking void in me but I can't. And it hurts."
Jane's voice wobbles and she takes a breathe, too weary to disguise her sorrow.
"It hurts so much. I've never felt so alone in my whole life. And maybe I've gone the wrong way about handling it, but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. Sit at home, beating myself up 'cause I let you slip away? You were…god, you were all I ever wanted. You still are. Do you know how difficult it's been to stay away?"
Maura opens her mouth to answer before she thinks better of it, pressing her lips into a thin line.
"And after tonight, after everything we said…it's made it worse. I acted terribly, and I'm so sorry. I never set out to hurt you, Maura. I know that I've fucked up any chance of romance between us, but I'm hoping, that with some time, you could give me another chance? Maybe we can be friends again? I miss you so much."
* I've got a girl crush,
I've got a girl crush,
I don't get no sleep,
I don't get no peace,
Thinkin' about her,
Under your bed sheets *
"Are you still there? Maur?"
Maura is muted, unable to formulate a response, nodding blankly.
"If you don't want that, I get it. Maybe it's not meant to be. I'm sorry." Jane sniffles softly, a painful sound that is too much for Maura and she begins to cry, vision blurring with tears.
"I just…I need you to know that I love you, okay? You don't have to say anything. I love you. And I'm so fuckin' sorry that I don't get a chance to show you that."
Neither of them speaks, and when Jane hangs up Maura scrabbles to call her back, heart sinking when it goes straight to voicemail. She tries again, letting the line ring once before she can't stand it anymore and jumps to her feet, hanging up and tossing her phone onto the couch.
Some things are better said in person.
She doesn't bother changing from the sweater and black PJ pants she'd planned on sleeping in or trying to fix her appearance - minor details that quite frankly, she couldn't care less about. Instead, she throws on her boots and her jacket and before she can think about what she's doing, she's pulling into the driveway of Jane's house.
There are no signs of life, no lights on aside from the holiday lights that Jane has wrapped around her porch twinkling in the moonlight.
Is Jane home? Is she alone? Is this the right thing to do?
A myriad of questions run through Maura's mind, even as she exits her car, putting one foot in front of the other until she's standing at Jane's front door, a fingertip resting on the doorbell.
She hesitates, pulling her hand back and chastising herself. She's too far in to not do this. It might not be a wise choice - she's not even sure that Jane wants to see her - but if she doesn't do it now she's not sure she'll be able to live with herself. She rings the bell once, and then again impatiently, heart jumping with hope when she hears movement inside. She's poised to hammer a fist against the door in desperation when Jane peeks out at her through the glass of the porch, confusion scrawled across her features.
Maura holds her breath as the lock clicks and Jane opens the door, lowering her firearm and switching the safety back on. She secures her gun in the holster that hangs from the coat rack beside her, standing to one side as she motions for Maura to enter.
"You wanna come in?"
Maura nods, knees weak as she follows Jane into the warmth of her house, fighting not to completely lose her nerve as they stand across from each other in the dimly lit hallway.
"I tried to call you back."
Jane nods, brushing a hand through her wild curls.
"I couldn't…I didn't know what else to say."
"I know."
"I feel a little overdressed." Jane chuckles dryly, undoing the top button of the silk dress shirt she'd not changed from yet. "If I'd know we were having a PJ party…" She ventures a joke, a fruitless attempt to break the tension she can almost hear crackling in the air around them.
"And you…I mean, you're here."
"Yes."
"Why?"
Their eyes meet and a pang of yearning strikes Maura sharply, driving her forwards until she's closed the distance between them, hands coming to cup Jane's face. She wipes a thumb over her tear-stained cheek, leaning to drop a chaste kiss to Jane's lips.
"Because I love you. Because I can't stand the thought of anyone else touching you, strangers taking my place all because we're too stubborn to admit what we desire."
She kisses Jane again, tenderly and a little unsure at first until Jane's hand's ghost up across her hips and slip under her sweater, drawing them so closely together that Maura couldn't break away if she tried.
It's Maura that halts their kiss, resting her forehead against Jane's.
"And what I desire right now is you, taking me to bed and showing me everything that I've been missing."
"You mean that? You want this?"
"I want this," Maura repeats, hands drifting to the buckle of Jane's belt and unlatching it, fingertips brushing against Jane's warm skin before Jane stops her, a strong hand wrapped around Maura's wrist.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." Jane pulls back as Maura lean in, studying Maura's expression for any telltale signs that she's being dishonest.
"You won't regret this in the morning? You won't run?"
"No. I'm not going anywhere."
"Cause I don't think I'd make it through that again Maur-"
"Jane."
"I want you to be sure, I want you to think about what we're doi-"
"Jane." Maura breaks from Jane's grasp and shrugs her jacket from her shoulders, shaking it down across her arms and tossing it out of sight.
"What?"
"Stop talking and show me."
It's all the assurance that Jane needs, the invisible wall that she'd tried so hard to build between them razed to the ground in seconds. She moves automatically, taking Maura's hand and ushering her through the dark house towards her bedroom. They stand awkwardly for a beat until Jane begins to unbutton her shirt, letting it hang open at her sides.
Maura notices Jane's hands shake as she reaches out towards Maura and pulls her closer, toying with the hem of Maura's sweater as she lifts it over her head and drops it to the floor.
"You, um…seem to be missing something?" Jane's eyes roam across Maura's bare breasts and Maura laughs lightly, reaching down to undo the drawstring of her pyjama pants and allowing them to slip to the floor where she steps out of them.
"I don't usually wear lingerie to bed, Jane."
"Wow," Jane mutters softly, bottom lip between her teeth as she pauses to admire. She sucks in a breath and then, with a renewed fire igniting in her, she takes Maura's hand once more and tugs them towards her bed, shedding her own clothes as they go.
* The way that she's whisperin',
The way that she's pullin' you in,
Lord knows I've tried,
I can't get her off my mind. *
The back of Jane's calves connect with her mattress and she perches on the edge, freezing when she realises that she's scared. She's overly nervous, unsure of what comes next and about to remark as much when Maura takes over, encouraging Jane to move further into bed before straddling Jane's lap in one swift movement that leaves Jane's mouth dry.
The heat of Maura's naked body pressed to hers is a tonic to Jane's nerves and Jane's head swims as she leans up, pressing feverish, open-mouthed kisses to Maura's neck. Teeth scrape skin, and when a low moan reverberates from Maura, Jane's sure that she can see stars.
A hand searches for her own, navigating Jane's touch to where Maura needs it most. She slides a finger into Maura, barely having a chance to grasp how wet and ready Maura is before she's forced back roughly, Maura hands bearing down on her shoulders, pinning her as Maura grinds down on her.
"Fuck. Maura…" Jane starts, muzzled when Maura dips her head, capturing Jane's lips and kissing her - delicately at first, and then more haphazardly as Maura rocks against her fiercely. Another groan of pleasure escapes Maura, louder this time and Jane quickens the pace of her fingers to match Maura's undulation. She's lost in their movement, focused on nothing more than how fucking hot the sounds that Maura is making are when Maura shifts upright without warning, lifting away from Jane.
They disconnect, just long enough for Maura to roll onto her back, twisting Jane with her until she's between Maura's legs, hovering above her. Their lips crush together in a furious kiss as Jane buries two fingers into Maura, thumb sliding up to circle her clit roughly.
She's close - Jane can hear it in the guttural moans and whispered curses that fall from Maura's lips, feel it as Maura's arms lock around her, holding Jane in place.
"I'm…ohh...fuck"
Maura's voice is thick with lust as she writhes, hips rolling in rhythm to Jane's frantic thrusts. She tips her head back, back arching as she begins to shake, panting raggedly as she rides out the orgasm that rips through her. It's almost enough to send Jane over the edge, any last scrap of self-control melting away as Maura contracts around her fingers, gasping breathlessly as she relinquishes to Jane's touch.
* I want to taste her lips
Yeah, 'cause they taste like you
I want to drown myself
In a bottle of her perfume *
Jane is motionless, not daring to move as Maura calls her name into the darkness, grasping Jane tightly to her. They stay like this, a tangle of limbs until Maura grumbles mutely, unwrapping herself from Jane to move away. She rises to her feet unsteadily and Jane turns, observing as Maura combs back the hair from her face, gathering it into a loose tie at the nape of her neck.
"That was incredibly selfish of me."
"No, no it…I'm not complaining" Jane begins, trailing off when Maura's eyes meet hers and she smirks devilishy, taking a moment to appreciate the scene before her. She drops to her knees, hands under Jane's ass as she impatiently draws her closer, not stopping until her face is all but buried between Jane's thighs.
"Mmm. I think it was. Let me make it up to you."
She hooks the crotch of Jane's underwear to the side, eyes wide and locked onto Jane's as her tongue darts out once to brush teasingly against Jane's clit.
Lights explode behind Jane's eyes as Maura's tongue slides down, momentarily pushing into Jane before she circles to her clit and back again, eliciting a husky cry of pleasure from Jane's throat.
* I want her long blond hair,
I want her magic touch,
Yeah, 'cause maybe then,
You'd want me just as much,
I've got a girl crush *
"Oh my god." It's all Jane can choke out, overpowered at the sudden flood between her legs. Maura moans in approval, tongue flicking relentlessly against Jane's arousal.
Jane is unashamedly close, squeezing her eyes shut as she tries to delay the inescapable climax that builds uncontrollably inside her. She's determined to make it last, confident that she can hold out if she tries when Maura withdraws, a hand snaking up to gently grip Jane's chin. She tilts Jane's head down and Jane's eyes shoot open in shock, Maura's hungry stare unwavering as she trails her hand down across Jane's breasts and abdomen slowly.
"Look at me." It's more of a command than a suggestion and Jane nods, not sure she could look away even if she wanted to. Maura slips a finger into her, smiling wickedly as she adds a second, curling up into Jane. She sets a torturously slow pace, fucking Jane with deep, languid strokes until Jane can't stand it anymore and reaches out, a hand threading into Maura's hair and pulling until Maura's tongue joins her fingers to swipe over Jane's clit as Jane bucks wildly, coming so fast and so hard that the room seems to shake around her.
It takes the last of Jane's strength to haul Maura to her, tasting herself on Maura's lips as she kisses her adoringly, hoping the tender moment conveys all of the things that Jane can't quite find the energy to say aloud. It's sometime later, as they lay under the covers, blissfully close to sleep that she finds her voice, mumbling quietly into the crook of Maura's neck.
"You're enough. You always have been."
"I love you."
"Always."
* I've got a girl crush,
Hate to admit it but,
I got a heart rush,
It ain't slowin' down. *