Prompt #14: Elliot and Olivia are snowed in out of town
All We Know Is Don't Let Go
~oOo~
They've been riding in the car for nearly six hours.
Elliot has one hand on the wheel, the other draped over the center console, fingers lightly tapping against the leather. Olivia is in the passenger seat, her hands folded neatly in her lap, her posture relaxed, and her eyes closed but she isn't asleep. The only sounds in the otherwise silent vehicle are Noah's mumbled commentary at his Nintendo Switch game cradled securely in his small hands, and Eli's low humming to the music playing through his earbuds as his dark eyes watch the passing scenery outside the window.
Elliot's hand fidgets on the steering wheel, and he can't stop himself from glancing at Olivia, wondering how the hell she can appear so unruffled. She's been his unmoving rock, meanwhile, he's been on the perpetual verge of his losing his mind. Even after that mess of a trial, she hasn't wavered – holding not just him but his entire family together.
She can't possibly maintain it forever; a breaking must be coming. It's only a matter of time. He doesn't deserve it, but he hopes that she'll let him be there when it happens so he can hold her. Be there for her in every way she's been there for him, but he also knows that she's often locked down tighter than a drum these days. So careful. So guarded. Her openness tapered even as her compassion, her empathy remains an eternal flame. Something he's always loved about her. He's been back nearly a year and she's still hesitant to let him in, and he can't blame her. It's yet another thing that he'll have to earn back. The singular place he knows somehow that she never quite filled in his absence because he never managed to fill the space that she left either.
He wonders why she agreed to rearrange her entire holiday schedule just to appease his fraying nerves, to humor his paranoid overprotective nature when it's gone into overdrive.
While she was hesitant to overstep boundaries – her main worry his children's comfort level – she hadn't been altogether opposed to spending a major holiday together. Maybe it was born from a latent fear that he'd disappear on her again, but he has no plans to look a gift horse in the mouth. She's offering something priceless and precious, and he refuses to squander it. Not when the alternative is her and Noah alone in New York with Richard Wheatley walking the streets a free man, no doubt scheming and plotting his revenge. Elliot refuses to leave them unprotected while he's several states away. She can take care of herself; he knows that logically, but he was never going to settle until he knew she was safe. And even after a decade apart, he never stopped equating safety with being by her side. They've always been better together.
So, he'd tentatively suggested an impromptu road trip. A way to get all of them out and away. Not sitting ducks waiting to be picked off. Because no matter how many times he's been told that Wheatley would be stupid to try something else after he's just been released, Elliot knows that son of a bitch has no such qualms and a score to settle that cannot go unanswered. It's only a matter of when and where he'll strike.
An acquaintance turned friend from Elliot's time in private security had a vacation house in the Roanoke Valley and had offered it to him and his family to use whenever. It was secluded, beautiful, and completely off the radar. The perfect place for a Christmas getaway. Elliot had figured his kids could do with a change in pace and atmosphere, and his therapist had greatly encouraged the idea. Their first Christmas without Kathy wasn't going to be easy.
He takes a deep, shuttering breath and tries not to think about every single dreary thought that could ruin this slice of good and right and real that's somehow here now. His kids are safe and relatively okay. Olivia and Noah are too. Elliot should take it as the win that it is and cross every other bridge as it may come, but it's hard not to linger on how easy everything could have fallen apart. How close he really came to total destruction. The past month or so has been absolute hell on all of them. Taking blow after blow from Wheatley's trial. A dear friend of Liv's going to bat for the defense. The humiliation of Elliot's crappy choices being laid bare for the entire courtroom to see. The defaming assumptions made about the nature of his decades' long relationship with Olivia. The judge's eventual decision to call for a mistrial that set the worst of it into motion.
The extremely close call with Eli.
He'd run off, confused, and overwhelmed and so very angry. He'd taken pills just to feel something. He hadn't meant to take too many. It was an accident. Eli had only wanted the pain to go away.
They almost hadn't made it to him in time. It was Olivia's quick, level thinking that had saved his life. Again. Somehow, she'd known where he'd go to feel safe. She was entirely the reason that he was alive, Elliot's sure of it.
The ordeal had frightened Eli badly enough that Elliot was fairly confident that he'd never be so reckless again. The doctors said that he was incredibly lucky there was no permanent damage, but that a next time could be a very different story. Individual and family counseling were strongly recommended and at Kathleen's firm urging, Elliot agreed because nothing like this could happen again. There was only so much this family could take. There was only so much that he could handle without needing a padded room under lock and key.
So, the holiday vacation had begun to sound more and more like a good idea. His kids, his mother, Olivia, and Noah, all in one secure place. Elliot could keep a close eye on Eli, maybe get past the almost constant silent, brooding treatment that he'd been receiving from the teenager since they'd left the hospital nearly two weeks prior.
It's perhaps wishful thinking that this trip is going to fix anything, but he's trying. God, is he trying. Elliot is going to do everything he can to be there for Eli, for all his kids. He'll make it his mission to be there for Olivia too, if she'll let him.
And he has plans to finish that conversation with her. The one she'd blindsided him with outside the courthouse after the judge had called for a momentary recess. She'd asked him about the letter again and why the hell he'd still felt the need to give it to her after everything that–
Olivia shifting her weight in the seat next to him interrupts Elliot's swirling thoughts. "How far out are we?" she murmurs; her voice low and scratchy from lack of talking.
He glances at the dashboard. "We still have about an hour and a half before we're there."
She rubs her hands together before reaching for the thermostat dial to make her side warmer, and he instinctively mirrors her movement. Their fingers connect, and the unexpected coolness of skin sends a jolt straight to his bones, and gooseflesh prickles up his forearm. Her gaze flicks over to meet his, and he wishes badly that he could know the thoughts running through her head.
"There's a pair of gloves in that compartment if you want 'em," he offers quietly, indicating the handle in front of her knees.
He drops his hand away, pretending like his fingers don't still tingle from where they touched her. He'll blame the heater for why both of their cheeks are flushed pink.
Like his brain isn't stuck on weeks before when he'd been worried sick about Eli and she'd reached for him without hesitation, tangling their fingers together and holding on like the world depended on it. How when she'd first seen him sans beard, she couldn't seem to stop her hands from touching him. The pads of her fingertips skimming along the apple of his cheek and then down his jawline. How he'd leaned into her touch, his eyelids drifting shut.
Her whispered words carving out their place in his chest. I'm glad you're back, El. An echo from another time long ago.
All he wants is for it to happen again. He wants to tell her that the next time he holds her, he has no plans of ever letting go. Next time they put their hands on each other, there won't be any takebacks. From now on, they will only move forward.
"Thanks," she says and gratefully retrieves the gloves, not caring that they're obviously going to be way too big for her hands. They're his after all.
Olivia sinks back into the cushion, turning her face toward the window, but the tiny incandescent smile lighting up her expression speaks volumes. Elliot refocuses his eyes on the road even though he could never grow tired of looking at her. He'd run a thousand red lights just to keep his gaze fixed on her.
~oOo~
It's late into the evening, the sun having sunk low behind the trees, before everyone is settled in the house that's so damn big it leaves everyone breathless, even Eli, whose new thing is to pretend that nothing is cool right now, is impressed. The teenager picks out his room and immediately disappears inside and shuts the door, his overnight bag slung over his shoulder. Bernie murmurs under her breath about brooding teenage boys as Kathleen asks her which room she'd like because the place has a million, plenty to choose from. Karl, Dickie, and Elliot all unload the bags from both vehicles, depositing them in the giant foyer.
Noah's eyes are wide with awe, and he's filled with a thousand curious questions which Elliot attempts to answer each one graciously. The little boy almost immediately takes off running though when he notices the entertainment room off from the living area. He's bouncing on the balls of his feet, an impossibly wide grin on his face.
"Mom, can I go check it out?" he asks, making use of his deep blue soulful eyes.
Olivia gives an affirming nod and smile, shaking her head in amusement. She ruffles his hair and issues a gentle reminder not to break anything and lets him go.
Not a moment later they all hear Noah shout, "this is so awesome!"
Lizzie and Maureen gush about the open floor plan, the color scheme, and the sheer grandeur of the fireplace – already bickering over the ways they can transform the house into a winter wonderland for the week they'll be there. Karl and Dickie have eyes only for the spectacular 8k TV that stands taller than them on the back wall of the living room, calling dibs on who gets to have the remote first.
Elliot inclines his head for Olivia to follow him so he can show her where she and Noah will be staying for the week. He wanted only the best experience for them. Nothing that would make any of them uncomfortable.
He insists on carrying most of her bags down the long hallway and up the stairs because her ankle still gives her trouble sometimes, and he wants her to be at ease here. She rolls her eyes but takes his chivalry for the tender gesture that it is and lets him lead the way.
He had been unsure how her son would take sharing the holiday and his mom, especially around so many new faces. So, it'd been executively decided that the two of them would be staying in the guest house above the garage. It was attached to the main house but separate enough that any privacy and boundaries could still be respected. He'd never want Olivia to feel like she had to abandon her own Christmas traditions with her son to appease him.
Olivia's smile is warm and soft, as her hand touches his forearm, squeezing in gratitude after he drops the suitcases in the living room of the guest house that's the size of a fully furnished two-bedroom apartment easily. It's impressive, to say the least.
"This place is beautiful. What did you do to get this?" she wonders with a shake of her head, letting her hand slip back down to her side.
He smiles, shoving his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and rocking back on his heels. "I know a guy." His tone comes off more flirtatious than he meant it to be, and he waits breathlessly for her to call him on it. To give some sort of warning sign.
But Olivia merely raises an eyebrow and laughs. A carefree sound that makes something warm settle in his stomach. "He must have really owed you."
"Well, we're even now," he quips back with a small shrug.
Elliot watches her walk around the space, not bothering to hide the fact that he's had a hard time taking his eyes off her for more than a moment. They're spending Christmas together and it's surreal. He's missed too many holidays with her, and he doesn't plan on missing anymore. Not if he has a say in it. She's a mom now. To a beautiful curly-headed, blue-eyed boy who's her whole world. And she did it all on her own. He couldn't be prouder of her.
"Coming here was a great idea," she admits, biting her lip. "I think it'll be good for them, especially Eli." Maybe it will be good for all of them.
"My therapist seems to think so too." He rubs a hand down the back of his neck and sighs. "I'm trying to get through to him, but Eli won't talk to me. He's not talking to anyone really. I don't know what to do."
She can't take the anguish in his eyes, the pinch of his eyebrows, the harsh downturn of his mouth so she doesn't hesitate to step into his personal space. Her hands find the lapels of his coat – that's become a thing now she guesses – and she tugs until his gaze locks on hers and holds. She'll shake it into him if she has to. He's a good man. A good father.
"El, you're already doing it. By being present, showing him day by day that you're not going anywhere. It'll take time but he'll let you in again. Trust can't be built back overnight. We both know that. What Eli needs more than anything is his father and you're here. It's a start. One step at a time," she reminds him, gentle yet firm.
They're nearly chest to chest now, breathing each other's air, and it would be so easy to tilt his head down and close the distance between them. His eyes drop to her mouth and then he's dipping forward slightly and her grip on his jacket tightens, and it's almost like she wants him closer. Closer still. There's no air in his lungs. But Elliot knows he's had enough bad timing in the past to last a lifetime, and he doesn't want her to push him away because now isn't the right time for that. He doesn't want her to regret it. Not when they still haven't finished their conversation about the letter. They haven't talked about any of it nearly enough.
"What are you guys doing?" Noah's voice says from the doorway, his nose scrunched and his eyebrows nearly disappearing into his mop of hair.
They both startle and rush to get out of each other's space. Olivia releases his jacket and turns to her son, trying to gauge his reaction and assess any possible damage done. She's relieved to see that he doesn't seem upset, only infinitely curious and confused. And incredibly nosy. His intent blue gaze is sliding between the two adults, and the atmosphere is slowly turning awkward as no one says anything.
Elliot is standing with his back ramrod straight as heat creeps up the side of his neck. He swallows with some difficulty and tries to give Noah a smile that doesn't look forced. The kid is definitely the son of a cop. He's got the level of stealth to prove it.
Olivia shakes her head and finds her voice finally, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and inclining her head. "No, honey. We were just having a very serious conversation. Elliot was upset and I was being a good friend and comforting him. That's all," she explains, and her voice is steady to reinforce her words.
Being a good friend. That's all. The phrase rolls around in his head repeatedly, and he tries to shake himself until he dislodges it. He's suddenly desperate to know if that's really all it was. What must she be thinking?
This is his first Christmas without Kathy, and his wife's absence is an ever aching chasm in his chest, but what had just almost transpired has nothing to do with that.
He needs her to know that she isn't a replacement, a way to fill the void.
He wants her. In his world. In his arms. And maybe one day soon, in his bed too. More than he can remember wanting anything in a long while.
He wants to kiss her. It's a simple fact. Like how he knows that water is wet, and grass is green. That the sun sets but also always rises again. A thought that's lingered at the back of his mind for longer than he cares to admit. Something that he thought could only happen in parallel universes but never in this one. A forbidden fruit that suddenly isn't forbidden anymore. It's a hell of a lot to take in. Everything he could have ever wanted is right here within his reach, and he has absolutely no idea how to deal with that. She's always been his best friend and he's never let himself go beyond that, only now he can't stop thinking about it. Surely, the world wouldn't end if they decided to cross that final line.
They've both been through hell and now they're here together, still. Partners for life. For better or worse. And even though he's never believed in fate and signs. He wants with everything in him to believe that this is a sign. A way for the universe to remind him that the light hasn't been fully extinguished. Olivia is here and it's Christmas, and her mere presence – her decision to be at his side when she could be anywhere else – is the best thing she could ever give him.
Elliot has never considered the possibility that she might not want him in the same way he aches for her. It's a punch to the gut to realize that she might not want this the way he does. It takes the wind right out of his sails. The mere thought that he might have gotten it all wrong makes his insides clench and his head swim. He's probably already ruined things between them irrevocably if that's the case.
Had the lies in the letter only solidified both of their deepest fears? Did his quest for closure wreck what was and what might have been? What still had a chance to be? Fuck, he should have never given it to her.
Kathy died and his world turned upside down, and he had no idea which way was up. And then he heard her voice, and she was the anchor being thrown down in the middle of the storm. His solid ground to stand on.
His life was in the midst of splintering apart, and Fin had told him that Olivia had moved on. From him. It only confirms what he's always known deep down. She's better off without him. He's held her back. Clipped her wings. Kept her in sight of the shoreline. She's always been his rock, but all he feels like to her is a burden. The letter was supposed to be a cutting loose, a way for her to be free of him in a way he'll never be of her. That's why he wrote that line. Snuck it in without Kathy's knowledge because she needed to know the truth.
In another universe, it will always be you and I. God, he's an idiot and an asshole for adding that as if it could ever be a consolation. Like he can pretend that he's anything other than hers, in every universe.
Elliot must have tuned out the rest of the conversation because suddenly Olivia is standing in front of him, trying to get his attention and she looks concerned. Her eyebrows furrow. "Elliot? Your mom has dinner almost ready. Tomato bisque soup and grilled cheese." Her eyes silently ask him where he went just then, but he pretends not to understand.
Noah has already run off again, presumably toward the main house kitchen. They're alone once more and it's suddenly the last place he wants to be because alone is dangerous now.
"Sounds good," he manages to get out, clamping down hard on his armor, the steel plate sliding itself into place over his heart. Shutting down. Shutting her out.
Still, Olivia hesitates, her hand extended like she wants to touch him again. He wouldn't be able to handle that right now, so he hopes she doesn't. Her eyes roam his face. "Are you okay?" She probably thinks his PTSD has flared up or something so she's assessing his levels of distress, but he knows she won't find anything definitive.
He gives her a tight nod and careful smile. "I'm fine." His tone is a door closing firmly in her face and it's her expression that shutters and flickers with hurt and confusion before her own armor slips into place. She gives him one more long look but says nothing more.
Elliot wonders how many times he can continuously gut her before she walks out of his life completely. God knows he'd deserve it.
~oOo~
They've been at the vacation house in Roanoke Valley for a little over three days when their phones give a winter storm advisory alert. A storm that was originally supposed to skirt around their location is now headed straight for them. In a matter of hours, the ground will be so completely covered in snow, sleet, and ice they'll have no hope of attempting a drive, even to the airport to catch a sold-out flight back to New York.
No one wants to cut the trip short because of a snowstorm that is just dangerous enough to keep them stuck there for at least a couple of extra days. So, after a lengthy discussion during dinner, an executive decision is made to wait it out.
There's more than enough food and supplies to last, and the house has a backup generator if the power goes out so they're more than prepared. Between the flashlights, the candles, and the satellite radio, the safest thing to do is stay put.
To keep everyone's mind off the incoming storm, they've all gathered in the living room after dinner. Kathleen had even managed to get Eli to join them. At Noah's suggestion, they'd collected enough spare sheets, blankets, and pillows to make a fort behind the sofa just like the younger Stablers did when they were kids. They start up first a few rounds of catchphrase and then a game of charades while Bernie makes homemade hot cocoa in the kitchen.
The temperature drops along with the setting sun as the storm draws closer and as the night goes on, it will only get colder. The fireplace is blazing and crackling away as they all find spots on the humongous sofa to sit and bundle up.
It isn't long before Noah is asking if he can hook his Nintendo Switch up to the television so they can all play Mario Kart together. He'd run across extra controllers in the entertainment room a few days before and was waiting for the moment they could all play. The boy's bright eyes and contagious smile have everyone agreeing to race at least once, even Eli cracks a small grin and agrees to join. The first glimmer of light Elliot has seen in his youngest son's eyes in weeks, and it makes hope swell in his chest. They're going to be okay.
Elliot steps into the kitchen after Bernie motions for him to help her fill mugs and pass out hot cocoa. It's only once he's handed off the last mug does she pull him away, tugging on his arm until they're standing by the pantry door well out of earshot.
He wrinkles his brow. "What's wrong, Mama?"
"You should talk to her," Bernie says, her tone and expression firm, insistent. As if she can't believe it's taken him this long.
His eyes squint in confusion and he leans forward, worried that she might be having another episode. "Who?"
She rolls her eyes, hard. "Olivia." He can't help but reel back a little.
Bernie shakes her head, exasperated. "You think I haven't noticed the way you two have been avoiding each other? You're hiding. Both of you. Don't. You need to talk to her and now is the perfect time to do it."
Elliot really doesn't want to be having this conversation, especially with his own mother. He pinches the bridge of his nose. "Mama, now is not a good time, okay? Trust me. She's sitting over there with her son—"
"Did you even notice that she slipped outside about five minutes ago?" Bernie cuts him off, and he can't stop his head from swiveling around to survey the living room to see that his mother's right. Olivia isn't there. Damn it.
Elliot shakes his head. "Why would she – it's freezing outside."
And he's already moving before he's even fully made the decision, but his mother's voice stops him. "You should take her a blanket and some hot cocoa. Butter her up a little – maybe she won't hit you," Bernie says and she's not really joking. A mother knows when her son has messed up, and she knows how to call him on it.
He turns to look at her over his shoulder, and she jabs a finger through the air in his direction. "Whatever you did, fix it. You need that woman in your life, Elliot. She's good for you. She's good for this whole family."
"I know, Mama," Elliot responds solemnly. Does he know? He's never been surer about anything in his entire life. He doesn't just want Olivia. He needs her. He loves her.
He slides into the winter coat that he left hanging on the back of a dining chair. Just as his mom suggested, he snags a large, fluffy throw blanket and fixes a steaming cup of cocoa before heading for the front door. He hopes it's enough to get Olivia to hear him out. He knows that he needs to make this right.
~oOo~
Elliot finds her sitting on the porch steps even though there's a perfectly good, cushioned seat swing a few feet away. She's wearing a beanie hat and jacket, her hands tucked tightly into the front pockets as her arms rest on her bent knees. He's tempted to go get the gloves she borrowed earlier because her hands are bare again and it's way too cold for that.
Her gaze is fixed on the beautiful, clear night sky. The stars are bright and shining and perfect. At least a few dozen are visible, and he can see why she's mesmerized, but all he can see is her. He's struck with it. How beautiful she is. His hyper-awareness of it makes his palms sweat and nerves of long ago stir.
"What are you doing out here in the cold?" he asks in lieu of a greeting after he's sure that she's aware of his presence behind her.
"Needed some fresh air. Plus, I wanted to get a look at the stars. We never get to see this many in the city. It's nice. Peaceful," she says, not looking away from the sky.
The stairs are wide enough that he can sit next to her without crowding her, so he does. Draping the blanket around both of their shoulders, Elliot offers the mug of hot cocoa to her. "Stabler family recipe. My mom wanted you to have some."
"Thanks," she murmurs, curling her hands around the warm ceramic, carefully not reacting to how their fingers brush against each other. She takes a few careful sips and gives a small, satisfied hum that means she's enjoying it, and doesn't say anything else.
After a few long moments of silence pass, Elliot knows that he's going to have to be the one to speak up. So, he clears his throat and starts. "We never got to finish our conversation."
This does bring her gaze to him, eyes almost as dark as the night around them. "Which one?" she asks, careful and quiet like she suspects exactly the direction this is about to take.
He bites the inside of his cheek, pushing forward. "The one outside the courthouse," he clarifies and watches the walls go up higher behind her eyes and in her expression. How her body physically leans away from him.
"I think we've talked more than enough about the letter, Elliot." He can't take the shades of pain in her dark irises. Pain he alone has caused. It makes him desperate.
"We haven't though. Not really. I was– I was under the influence the first time and the second, you just took me by surprise, and I didn't get a chance to explain—"
Her snort interrupts him, her body automatically rotating to face him. "I took you by surprise? Please. Do we really need to go here again? You lied to me, and I believed you. And then you had the gall to throw in that stupid line about parallel universes as if that helps me in this universe." Olivia shakes her head, stopping before she gets even more worked up.
"This right here is why we shouldn't talk about it." Her hands clench hard enough around the mug that he's worried she'll break it.
Elliot disagrees. "And why shouldn't we talk about it, Olivia? We need to talk about it." He shivers against the bite of the cold and pulls the blanket tighter around his side.
Maybe outside with a snowstorm incoming is not the best place to have this conversation, but they're alone and in the middle of it now and neither of them can seem to stop. "If I could explain it to you, maybe it wouldn't change anything but at least we'd both know where we stood. You'd know the truth. All of it. No more lies. No more take-backs. No more letters. You deserve to hear the truth, Olivia."
Their eyes lock and hold just as her name leaves his lips, and maybe it's a mistake, but she needs to know just as badly as he wants to tell her. "You want to talk? Fine. Let's talk. What's the truth you need me to know so bad, Elliot?" she asks, the heat of hurt coloring her tone.
He looks down at his hands, making fists in his lap, his knuckles turning white from the pressure. "It was stupid and cruel to make you think none of it was real. It was a fucking copout to cover up the fact that I didn't know how to let you go. Ten years and I was still clinging to you. Kathy – she knew I was struggling even after all that time. She mentioned going to your award ceremony. For closure. So I could see for myself that you had moved on. That I was holding on to a ghost. I told her that I had no idea what I'd say if I saw you again. I was– I was afraid that I'd made you hate me. After what I did, how could you not?"
Olivia isn't looking at him, but he can tell she's listening. She's hearing him.
The chill from the stairs and frigid night air have started to seep into his bones, and Elliot doesn't even care because he needs to get this out. He needs her to know. "I gave you the letter after– after Kathy died because I thought once we'd wrapped up the case and caught the bastard responsible that you'd finally wash your hands of me. After Fin told me you'd moved on, made a good life for yourself, I took that to mean you did well in spite of me. It confirmed what I already knew, you didn't need me."
Olivia sets the mug down on the steps by her left hip and wraps her arms around her own chest, a barrier against the wind, against his words. He wants to reach out and comfort her, but he knows his touch would not be welcome in this moment.
A muscle in his cheek twitches and he shakes his head once rapidly. Elliot can't stop the grimace that pulls at his mouth. "That's the truth, Liv. I've– I've always loved you. Needed you. But you have never needed me. All I did was hold you back. Kept you tied to a fucking mirage of a life I couldn't give you. We both know I couldn't make you happy, not in the way you deserve. The best thing I thought I could do for you was make a clean break. Sever the connection before I did something I couldn't take back. I was married. I loved my wife. And I loved you. I never stopped. I didn't know how to reconcile any of it, so I did what I thought was right. I thought I was saving us all by walking away."
Olivia is silent for so long that Elliot grows worried that she won't speak at all. He knows everything he just revealed is a lot. To process. To come to terms with. When she finally looks over at him, the expression on her face is like a hot poker being driven into his chest.
"I did need you. More than you will ever know," she rasps. "And you weren't here. Your abandonment–" He winces at her word choice. "–gutted me. It was like learning to live with a missing limb. You were my partner for better or worse and you left me. For a long time, I didn't know how to deal with it. Some really awful things happened to me, but there were good things too. Really good things. I'm a mom to the best little boy in the world. I found people I could belong to, a family who has my back. I made a life that I'm proud of, but it was never in spite of you, Elliot. Never."
She angrily swipes at the tears that have managed to sneak out. "I know you're so sure I was better off without you but you have no idea what I've been through. What I had to overcome. No clue. I stayed by your side for twelve years because I wanted to be there. I might not have gotten married at eighteen and popped out five kids, but I loved my life. I was happy to call you my partner and my best friend. I never thought I was getting the shitty end of any deal. I had the job and I had you. Maybe not in every conceivable way but we were together and that was enough for me."
She sighs heavily, knowing what she's about to say has the power to change things between them forever. "I can hardly remember a time when I didn't love you. That's my truth, El. You left and it didn't matter. I carried you with me, and I never stopped loving you. Even when I wanted to hate you, I couldn't. I am still angry, but I forgave you a long time ago."
Tears burn behind Elliot's eyes, and he blinks hard to dispel them, ducking his head because he never thought he'd hear her say those words, and certainly never to him. "You have every right to be angry. I'm so sorry, Olivia. I never meant to hurt you and I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you'll let me. I know it's not enough because I wasn't there–"
Her hand on the side of his face stops him mid-sentence and he can tell she's softening toward him. "You're here now. We can't go back and change the past. We can't do what-ifs and parallel universes. All we have is here and now. What matters is what we decide to do in this universe." If she's saying what he thinks she is then his brain will surely short-circuit.
Her thumb is brushing along his cheekbone, and he can't think straight because she's touching him again. But he hears what she's saying, not just her words but all the things her eyes are telling him too.
"What do you want to do, Olivia?" He has to know her answer.
Her fingers caress his skin like he's something precious and then she's closing the space between them, tilting her head and pressing her lips to the corner of his mouth. It's both searing and gentle and over entirely too quick. A promise of things to come. Her hand finds the edge of his side of the blanket, tugging him closer.
"That answer your question?" she responds softly and her warm exhale washes over him in waves, and he'd gladly drown in her.
They're nose to nose, and he can see every shade of her irises, the flecks of color that he can't define, the fathomless ocean of warmth in their depths. He finally feels like he has permission to reach out, and so there's no hesitation when one hand finds the back of her neck, burrowing his fingers into locks of her hair, and the other settles solidly on her knee.
"Yeah," Elliot mutters, breathy and heady with their proximity, smiling when her thumb strokes his bottom lip boldly. He can hear his heartbeat in his own ears, and he can't get enough of the tender look in her eyes. A look he'll never fully deserve.
A violent gush of wind breaks the moment and makes them both shiver and huddle closer. A quick glance at their surroundings reveals that heavy snow has begun to fall in earnest just a foot or two in front of them. If they stay out here much longer, they're going to catch their death. The snowstorm is almost there.
With one hand on her elbow, Elliot helps Olivia get slowly to her feet. She has the long-forgotten mug clutched tightly in one hand and the corner of the blanket in the other. He lets her walk in front of him so he can block a majority of the wind with his towering frame. She has her hand on the front door handle when she hesitates, glancing back at him.
"El?" she says, and he freezes at her tone.
It's so sudden that he almost misses the movement entirely when she whips around, stepping right up to him and encircling an arm around his waist underneath the throw. She tucks her head against his chest and just holds him. It takes him a second to reboot and then his arms are moving and clinging back like the lifeline they both are to each other. He presses his mouth to the top of her head and shuts his eyes in relief. God, he's missed holding her. So much.
"I'm here," he whispers into her hair. "I'm here, Olivia." And it's a solemn oath. He won't leave her ever again. His days of running are over. Unless he's running to her.
~oOo~
It's late evening on Christmas Day before Elliot and Olivia have another moment to themselves, just the two of them while everyone else is watching the Nutcracker in the living area.
The past couple of days have been filled with snowball fights, gingerbread house building, Christmas cookie making, and entirely too many Nintendo Switch competitions. Plans were already being made for all the possible ways they could pass the time until the roads were drivable again. It wasn't looking very likely, at least for another few days.
The morning had been well spent between the huge breakfast Bernie had concocted, presents being opened, and Maureen and Karl sharing very special news in the form of a #1 G-pa mug being gifted to Elliot. There'd been tears in his eyes and a watery wide grin on his face when Elliot had tugged his oldest into a bear hug and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. He couldn't have been happier to get the news of his first grandbaby.
So, with the family distracted with the play on the big screen, Elliot snags Olivia's hand and leads her back into the main hallway, out of sight. She can tell he's nervous by the way his jaw clenches and unclenches and how his eyes shift to her and then away again.
"El, what is it?" she asks, squeezing the hand that's still holding tightly to hers in encouragement hoping to ease his discomfort.
"I know we never said anything about getting each other a gift," he begins tentatively, and she nods, fighting an eye roll because she knows how he is. "But I got you a little something."
Olivia shakes her head, fighting a grin. "Well, I guess that worked out because I got you something too." Their hands reluctantly disentangle, and they both go to retrieve the respective gifts hidden behind the back of the tree.
The gift he picked for her is wrapped in red and green paper with a tied ribbon around it and hers is in a Christmas-themed box. Over the years, Olivia had never quite mastered the art of gift wrapping. They smile sheepishly at each other and exchange the presents in their hands.
"Open yours first," Elliot insists softly with an incline of his head, tucking his box underneath his arm so he can focus on her.
Olivia wastes no time in ripping apart the paper to reveal a lovely, deep burgundy-colored scarf, very similar to the one she'd hardly ever taken off in the winter during the first few years of their partnership. Elliot had been notorious for complaining about the cold air on his neck and had borrowed the scarf numerous times. It had gone missing in the years since and she can't remember exactly what happened to it.
He clears his throat when she doesn't say anything and rocks back on his heels. "It reminded me of the one you said was your favorite."
"Elliot, that was ages ago," she murmurs, already feeling moisture fill her eyes. "What made you even think about that scarf?"
"I was the one who lost it, and I never got a chance to get you another one. And it was something we'd shared, and I wanted you to have that again," he admits. "I know it's not the same, but I hope you like it." He shrugs, going for nonchalance even though she knows how much this must mean to him. How much it means to her.
She swipes at her eyes and laughs, unraveling it so she can loop it around her neck. "It's better. I love it, El. Thank you." His eyes twinkle at her. "Now, go ahead and open yours." She waves a hand at him, and he acquiesces.
Olivia knows that she's rendered him speechless as he opens the box and unfolds the heather gray zip-up hoodie inside. Very much like the one they used to trade wearing back and forth until it had essentially become a shared garment. It isn't the one he left behind in his locker that she'd taken over after she'd had to clear out his stuff, but she believes he'll understand its significance to both of them.
"Olivia," he whispers her name like a prayer and there aren't just tears in his eyes, but they're also falling down his face.
"When I said that I carried you with me, I wasn't kidding," she says and her voice cracks with the sheer force of emotion she feels. "I wore the one you left behind until it fell apart. I think it's about time you had a new one. Don't you think?"
Elliot drops the box on the floor at his feet and moves to stand in front of her. He sniffles and swallows hard. "You gonna steal this one too?" he jokes, needing the levity, but his tone only holds infinite affection for her.
She arches an eyebrow at him and doesn't stop him when his hands pull her into him by the scarf around her neck. "Plot twist, I actually bought it for me, but I'd be willing to share. You know, for the right price," she teases right back, and her fingers are gentle as they swipe away the already drying tears on his cheeks.
"What's your rate?" he wonders, his hold slipping to her waist and keeping her there.
She purses her lips, pretending to think really hard about it. "I'm pretty steep but I think we could come to an agreement." Her eyes grow serious for a second. "The only thing off the table is you leaving. I can't lose you again, El."
He leans forward and brushes his lips against the furrow that's formed between her eyebrows. "I'm not going anywhere, Liv. You're not going to lose me, I promise. I'm in this for the long haul." She nods against his head, satisfied at least for the moment. They don't have everything figured out and they still have a way to go on a long, hard road, but it's a start. They've agreed to walk it together and that's something.
Olivia sighs deeply and lets her head rest against his chin, just breathing him in, enjoying the feeling of him holding her. "Merry Christmas, El," she whispers, letting her eyes drift close like they aren't standing in the middle of the hallway having some huge, pivotal moment.
"Merry Christmas, Liv."