“Believe in you”

by Son kokun

After finally coming back from the hellish place that was Vollachia. Natsuki Subaru comes to learn that no one came to his rescue because they “believed in him”. Emotionally hurt and believing that no one cares for him, its up to a certain half-elf to comfort and help him open up.

This is dedicated to James_S_0. My partner at the fic exchange event.

Just for the record, This story takes place after arc 7, but I haven't read arc 7 yet. If I get anything wrong, then I apologise for that.

Well, without anything else to say, let's begin!

[X]

"Finally, we're almost there.'' Whispered a black haired boy in an excited tone. He found himself almost jumping at the prospect of arriving at what he could now call home.

"Subaru, calm down. Seriously, I know you want to hurry, but we're almost there. Can't you wait a bit more? Even Lu is calmer than you. " A blue haired girl teased the boy in a friendly manner. She was carrying a golden haired child in her arms and had no trouble at doing said task.

Subaru couldn't help but blush from being called out on his actions. Still, he couldn't help it! After so many months of waiting and struggling, he would finally be back.

Seven months had passed ever since the mysterious incident that teleported Subaru and his allies to the middle of a Vollachian forest. Events led to others and Subaru quickly found himself trapped in the middle of a civil war, having no choice but to help the deposed emperor, Vincent Vollachia, to regain his throne.

After many trials and much suffering, Subaru with the help of his return by death and the allies he made along the way, had been able to successfully Return Vincent to the throne. He'd even managed to make a peace treaty with the empire of Vollachia making sure Lugnica would't be attacked for at the very least, the remainder of the Royal selection.

Now, after weeks of traveling, he was but minutes away from arriving back at the Rosswal mansion, how could he not feel excited?

"Well, I can't help but also anticipate our arrival. I want to see what the people you lived with are like… and I also want to see the person you call my sister." Rem said with a sad but anticipating smile.

Subaru couldn't help but frown a slightly at that. He felt guilty because he was unable to return Rem's memories to her. She was awake, that was true, but even so, he had failed to bring her back completely. Now she had no memories of anyone in the mansion, not even her own sister.

His relationship with Rem had definitely improved, at least if you compare it to how it was from when she initially woke up. After many trials and adventures together they had managed to form a friendship that was deep enough for them to trust each other with their lives. It was certainly not as close as it had been when she still held her memories, but that was fine for Subaru.

Just the fact that she was awake was enough for him. With time, maybe just maybe, things could go back to how they were. He wouldn't lose hope on that.

Looking for a change of topic, Subaru blurted out, "I think you should wake Lu up, we're about to arrive there. It would be better to receive an awakening from his "mother" rather than some strangers." He empathized with the "mother" part of the sentence, knowing what effect it would have on Rem.

Just as intended, the oni's face was covered with a slight shade of red, but nevertheless followed his tip and woke the child up.

Subaru wanted to comment on how adorable the sight looked but held his tongue. Now was not the time.

He'd come to accept that Louis was different from the vile Sin archbishop that had taken his memories back in the pleiades tower. He now knew that Louis was just a child with no bad intentions whatsoever. A child that treated him like a father, something Subaru had come to accept and even enjoy to some extent. The Louis that was with him right now, and that Louis that is in the pleiades tower were completely different, that's something he was sure of now.

He wasn't sure if killing Louis would result in Rem getting her memories back. Nor would he deny such a thought crossed his mind months ago, back when he still held hostility for the golden hair child, back when he was desperate to be Rem's hero again.

But now? Now he couldn't bring himself to do it even if he wanted to. He had too much care for the child to even think about doing so.

With a groggy awakening and a small yawn, the child in question began rubbing her eyes in an attempt to make the tired feeling go away. Once a few seconds passed, she turned her gaze towards her "mother"

"Ma, are we there yet?"

Rem passed a hand through her hair, rubbing it gently while answering in a motherly tone, "Yeah, we're almost there."

With the mansion already in sight, Subaru stayed in silence for the most part, walking in anticipation.

"It looks just the same as I remember" He whispered under his breath.

The mansion hadn't had any visible changes. In fact, from this distance he could see none at all. It was almost as if no time had passed since he was last here.

It felt so long. Ever since traveling to the watchtower and the amount of returns by death he had, how long had it truly been? How long had it been since he last slept there? How many times had he died?

In truth, Natsuki Subaru lost count a long time ago. But that was fine, he was here now.

'GAAAWWKK" A sound he hadn't heard for a long time originated from his left. He turned his head to that direction with Rem and Louis doing the same. He knew that sound, it was the sound of one of his fellow companions, the sound of a dear friend.

"Patrasche!" Subaru screamed her name in delight as he saw his trusted ground dragon approach him. It had been so long! He was going to hug her and-

"Ouch! What was that for!" He complained as he felt her tail slap him in the back. It wasn't hard enough to actually hurt him, it was more of a jolt he got from the sudden slap.

Just like old times.

To that, the boy smiled. He knew this was her way of saying "welcome back."

"I'm also glad to be back, Patrasche." She turned her head to the side at those words, as if to deny feeling that.

She really was a tsundere.

"Patrasche-chan! Don't run" A childish voice entered his range of hearing. Another voice he hadn't heard in a while. Someone else he wanted to meet again.

"Hey Petra, how are you doing!" He called out to her in a casual tone. He also waved his hand as if to enforce the feeling of a "casual" greeting. As if he hadn't been gone for months now.

On the other hand, the little maid didn't have such a casual reaction. She stopped dead in her tracks and gave him almost an unbelievable look. Almost as if she didn't believe what she was seeing. She then spoke, albeit in a soft and slow tone?

"Subaru-sama...Is that really you?" Asked the orange haired maid, as if to confirm her suspicions.

"Yes Petra, we're back." As soon as she heard those words, she broke out in a radiant smile. Possibly the happiest Subaru had ever seen her.

"I knew you'd be back!" She then ran at him full speed and embraced him with a hug.

"Woah! Slow down there Petra, I feel like you're going to cut me in half." In truth, Subaru didn't mind. He was also happy to see her.

"Ahem." A voice from behind him made him stiffen up for a second. He had forgotten they were her as well.

"Umm, I definitely didn't forget you were there too, haha…." Even he knew that excuse was anything but believable.

"Yeah…" Clearly not buying his poor excuse Rem decided to not bully him any further and instead focus on the person behind him

"Is that the girl you were telling me about? I think you said her name was Petra?" Asked Rem as she pointed her finger at the person in question.

In an effort to try and regain some of the old Rem back, Subaru had told the oni multiple stories of their time together. He had told her about times where they fooled around the mansion such as the snow festival or that time when that chef came into the mansion (including his cross- dressing.)

It had gotten to a point where he began to tell her about times she didn't remember. Times such as when Frederica had come back or when Garfiled had gone off to beat up some Malbeast rats.

By this point, he'd been desperate.

At first it annoyed her. She felt as if Subaru was trying to force a person that wasn't her into herself. As if he was trying to get his Rem to come back and let the current one die. It was true that she had accepted the name Rem as her own, however, she didn't like that he kept treating her as if she still had her so-called memories.

Things changed when she saw Subaru started seeing her as her own person instead of an old reflection of the person he loved. When he began to accept her as her own person. When she saw that Subaru was changing his treatment towards both her and Lu.

It was true that sometimes he still saw her as "Rem." However, she wasn't too bothered. As long as he treated her as her own person, then she could live with that. And as long as he treated Lu like the kid she was, then she was fine with that as well.

If Lu was taken away from her, then she would be devastated. She had come to care for the child as if it was her own daughter. She would be heartbroken if she lost her one way or another. She was one of the only people she truly cared for at this time.

And although she wouldn't say it out loud, from the few people she cared for, Suabru had become a part of that.

So she began listening to his stories. She knew she would have to meet back the people that were supposedly her "friends" eventually.

It wasn't like she truly enjoyed her time in Vollachia either after all. She would prefer to levae the place if anything.

So it would be best to have some information on them, especially her so-called sister. That's why she could somewhat guess who this person was.

Not to mention the interaction she just had with Subaru.

"Ah!" you're the blue haired girl Subaru was always talking to!" Petra exclaimed, realizing who that person was. She was the girl Subaru always visited every night when he was in the mansion!

"Well," Subaru started. "I should probably introduce you girls formally… although I would like to do that with everyone present instead." Subaru wanted Rem and Louis to be introduced to the rest. It would be easier if he did it with everyone present rather than multiple introductions.

He also wanted Ram to see her sister again. He knew she was awaiting the chance to meet Rem. He promised he would get them to see each other, that he would introduce them. Now was his chance to do so.

There was also the fact that Louis was an Archbishop- or at least to everyone else she was.

It was true that she no longer held memories of her time as a Sin archbishop. However, that didn't mean that everyone else would see it that way. He had no doubt that Ram had already informed everyone on Louis's appearance. It would make no sense if she hadn't done so considering her sister had been teleported to an unknown location alongside a Sin archbishop.

He was actually impressed that Petra didn't notice her presence yet. It was probably due to the fact that she was surprised by his arrival. A blessing in disguise if he would say so himself.

He was hoping that Rem and himself combined would be enough to calm down their suspicions on Louis. He really hoped they could do it.

But that just made him wonder why no one came to their rescue. Not only was the Sin archbishop of Gluttony with them-someone who would take Rem's and his existence once again, but they were also in the dangerous kingdom of Vollahcia. In his mind, it made sense that they would try to send help as soon as possible.

That was something that had been tugging on his heart now for a while. Something he was hoping to find out as soon as possible.

"Oh right! Ram-san is going to be so mad I let Patrasche go!" Petra suddenly went pale at the thought.

Subaru pitied her, Ram could be a nightmare to deal with. He just hoped she would have mercy on her.

"Follow me then. Emilia-sama and Beatrice-chan, and everyone will be so happy to see you back!" Wasting no more time, Petra grabbed onto Patrasche and guided her back to the mansion while directing her "guests" to follow her, all with a bright tone in her voice.

"Well, you heard her Rem. Let's go." Subaru turned around and signal Rem that they should hurry and follow. However, he found she had a slightly nervous expression on her face.

He had been with her for months now. He knew exactly what she was feeling, where her worries came from.

"It will be fine," he said. "I'm sure you will fit right in. In fact, I'm sure Ram really wants to see you. Tell her Lu!" He called in from help to his greatest ally. At least when it came to Rem.

"Papa's right Mama! You're awesome after all.!" She threw one of her smiles at her.

Rem was unable to resist her motherly instincts and hugged Louis tighter at those words. She was being so cute!

"Well, I guess we'll see." Was all she said, but Subaru could clearly tell her tone was more relaxed than it was before. That meant he had succeeded.

"¡Yosh! Let's waste no time then. They're starting to leave us behind!" With excitement for entering the Mansion once again, Subaru wasted no time in chasing after Petra and Patrasche who were beginning to leave them behind. Rem and Louis follow behind them.

He wanted to see them again. However, he also wanted to know why it was only now that he would see them again. Why didn't they try to rescue him earlier?

He wanted to know why it was only now that he would see them again.

[X]

"Only you would take in an Archbishop as a child. Disgusting." Ram sent a glare at Subaru's direction. It was one of those glares that clearly scream "disappointment" to their fullest extent. Louis fortunately wasn't close enough to hear these exchanges as she had been taken away by Meli to play around and explore the mansion instead. Subaru would have to thank her later.

"I can't even deny that one nee-sama…" He really couldn't. Even if Louis had lost her memories, the fact that she was an archbishop remained. That was the undeniable truth.

"Ram! Don't be so meeean to Subaru." Emilia butted in defending her knight. Said knight found himself being embraced in a tight hug by the half-elf, who refused to let go.

Subaru was, of course, flustered. How could he not ? The girl he was in love with was hugging him tightly! Not only that but she clearly didn't want to let go.

Not that he wanted to either.

They finally came from Vollachia, you should be happy for them! Even if they did bring her back…" It was clear that even the pure hearted Emilia couldn't help but be apprehensive about the little girl they had brought along.

"Tsk. I suppose I'll have to trust my cute little sister on this. I'm sure she must have a reason for taking care of her… Barusu probably had no initiative, what a useless man." It looked like Ram was willing to give her a chance.

If he had to guess it was probably a combination of knowing they had been safe for months alongside her, and the delight of finally being able to meet her sister after such a long time.

'You won't regret it." Subaru assured her. Ram ignored him.

"ya shouldn't worry' ta much!" A confident voice spoke out on behalf of Subaru's and Rem's case. "My amazings self's can take care f it." He spoke as if they were sure of his success, although in reality, they were. It wasn't that hard to deal with a child.

"Garfiel is right. We should wait and see what happened. She seems harmless, well at least for now. Besides, Natsuki-san is an expert when it comes to the Witch-cult, he knows what he's doing… probably."

"Wow, great help Otto. you're awesome. Thank you for your faith." Subaru sarcastically said in response to Otto's half-doubtful help.

"Also I would prefer if you stopped calling me an expert on Witch-cult business, I'm not." Subaru deadpanned at hearing the merchant's argument. Still, he was glad that Otto was here. He should help alleviate the environment. As much fun as he was to tease, he still had a lot of influence over the camp's decisions.

Such was the power of the minister of affairs.

He also hated being called an expert on the Witch-cult. He wasn't that, he could never be that. He knew that without his Return by Death he was no one. Those dark days in the Vollachian cells taught him that.

Without his allies, he was no one special. That was exactly why he always awaited some help, yet it never came.

"Well, I think we should leave that to the side for now! Instead I want to rejoice that we're all back together again! Besides, I'm sure Rem has many questions right about now!" He felt the conversation about Louis had ended on a good note, it would be better to switch the theme now, before it becomes any more messy.

"Also, could you get off me, Emilia-tan? It's not that I don't enjoy being this close to you, but it's starting to hurt a bit." Subaru said to the half-elf who didn't let go of him once ever since they saw each other again. Subaru found it extremely cute, but his ribs were starting to hurt.

"Ah!" As soon as she heard those words Emilia didn't hesitate to let go. She was a blushing mess, almost like a child who had been caught doing something bad.

"Could it be that my manliness has finally been acknowledged by Emilia-tan?! Have you fallen for me all over again?!"

"N-no It's not like that at all!"

"Shot down in an instant!?!?"

He was happy to have these exchanges back again. He really was.

"It's not like that at all, dummy! It's just that… It's been so long since I've seen you, so it only makes sense that I don't want you away! Yup it's definitely that."

"Sure…" He would not call her out in that obvious lie. Emilia was trying really hard, so it was only fair.

He felt a pull on his hair, interrupting him from his thoughts. looking up he saw his drill loli contracted spirit looking at him with a pout on her face.

"Betty thinks it's infuriating that her contractor has ignored her this much! Subaru better start giving her all the headpats and hugs she's missed all these months."

"Hugs? Just like the one I gave you when you came running at me saying "your back, I suppose! And jumped to my hands, blowing your nose on my clothes and everything."

"AHG! how infuriating I suppose." Beatrice exclaimed, embarrassment evident in her tone at the teasing she received.

"We should have a feast to celebrate that Rem-sama, Subaru-sama, and Louis-chan have arrived from their journey." Frederica being the role maid she was, had already accepted the situation with Louis and commented a -in Subaru's opinion- great idea!z

"That's a great Idea Frederica-san!" Otto exclaimed. That way they could catch up on everything that happened where everyone is together. Genius!

"Heh, Otto-bro nly sayin'y that cause Sister Is sayin' it haha!" Garfield exclaimed something atrocious to Otto's ears. He quickly tried to deny it but was beaten by Subaru who would not waste this opportunity to tease his bro.

It had been months after all, he couldn't postpone his duty any longer.

"Ohh! Otto, you're trying to get frederica-san! How did I miss such a development…" He despaired at having missed such an opportunity.

"Wahhahwa, wait Natsuki-san, It's not what you're thinking! You know how much Garfield likes to run his mouth and-"

"There is no need to hide it Otto, I support you! As for you Frederica, I didn't know you liked Otto, it seems I will have to calm down on the abuse huh…" Subaru spoke in a depressed tone. It was a sad day for Natsuki Suabru.

"Subaru-sama, it's not like that!" Frederica, getting caught in the crossfire tried to deny the accusations, breaking her maidly image in a second. A blush of embarrassment crossed her face, a testament to her unpreparedness.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm just messing with you two." Subaru purposely didn't say that he never mentioned anything about Frederica liking Otto back. No, he would keep that to himself, and it seems the rest would as well.

"Well, not to put pressure on you or anything, but I think that dinner sounds like a great Idea. It's been a while since I have been able to eat with you guys. I'm kind of excited for this." Subaru let out his true feelings, this was something he had wanted to do for a while. Being with Rem and Louis had been nice, but it could never replace moments like these.

Frederica smiled, "Then I'll make it great. Let's go Petra, Ram." With that, Frederica departed to the kitchen, followed by the Little maid who was determined to make her greatest dinner yet.

"Hmph! Barusu should feel grateful he gets to taste Ram-sama's food once again."

"Yes, yes, Ram-sama, please do so. This lowly peasant is starving." Subaru decided to follow her game, albeit letting out a bit of a sarcasm on his voice.

Ram ignored him and Instead turned to her sister. "Rem, would you mind helping us cook? We will need help since lazy Barusu refuses to do anything." She spoke with a very judging tone.

"What?! You make it sound so bad! Also I never refused anything." His words were Ignored by both sisters, Rem laughing at his expense and following the rest of the maids to help prepare the meal..

"Ram, is the same as always, huh." After making sure she was gone, Subaru commented on those words. He would prefer to avoid her hearing after all.

"The maid had also been worried about you, even if she didn't show it I suppose. Although the blue haired girl was always her priority. Hmph! How insolent."

"That's Ram for you, never being honest with herself. Also always bullying me." He was used to it, even after months had passed she didn't seem any nicer to him, but that was fine. He knew she cared in her own way. She was just a tsundere about it. "Believe it or not, I kind of missed arguing with her."

"I would have really liked to see you guys earlier... " He finished saying. He'd missed moments like these.

"I really wanted to see Subaru too. Buuut, we knew you would be fine, and you are! So it's fine now." Emilia said with a smile on his face. These were her true feelings, she trusted Subaru, she knew he would be able to get out of whatever situation he could get.

"Princess is right! My amazing self's anted to go beat the'm volachian's up but knew that Captain would do it first!"

"Well, I'm glad Natsuki-san is alright in the end. I always had faith, but even so, it's good to have confirmation." Otto said as he started to head back to his room. He wanted to spend more time with his bro, but being the minister of affairs was no easy task. He could spend time with him later.

Subaru heard this conversation, and had one though.

[Believed in me?] He repeated in his head.

They believed in him? They thought he could get through the problems he was facing alone? Face a whole civil war alone, die brutal deaths.

The reason he continued fighting, the reason he resisted so much, what kept him going. It had all been so he could get back to them. He wanted to get back to the Rosswal mansion, he wanted to go back home, back to the people he could call a family.

He wanted to go back to Emilia, the person he loved, to Beatrice his contracted spirit. Everyone else, those he considered friends.

For that he struggled on. With the hope that they might come to rescue him, that they might come save him. With the hope that he would be able to see them again soon. He struggled on for that reason.

That's why it hurt him. It hurt him to hear them say that. That they believed in him.

Maybe if he thought better of himself, he would have realized they meant no harm. However, Natsuki Subaru was someone who did anything but think highly of himself.

For Natsuki Subaru this was just proof that they didn't care about him at all. He was basically left to his luck, it was up to him to survive.

How many times did he want to give up? How much suffering could have been avoided if they had cared to try and help him? How much?

"Subaru?" He heard Beatrice's voice call him from his back. He stiffened Slightly at that, not wanting anyone to know what he was thinking.

The Natsuki Subaru who came out of the Watchtower would think like this. But the Vollachian empire changed him, he was no hero. He could barely even trust himself, he was a coward not deserving of anyone's love.

Even so… he wished they had come to help him.

Well now he knew the real reason.

"You're making a worrying face, I suppose. What's wrong Subaru??" He couldn't let Beatrice know what he was thinking. He could not.

That's why Natsuki Suabru put up his fake smile. Acting, the one thing he was good at. He knew it would be hard to fool Beatrice, but the Vollachian empire had forced him to up his game. To be better just to have a chance of survival. So here he was.

"Oh! I'm just flustered, that's all. I don't want to disappoint you guys, for you to have so much trust for me...It's incredible really." Maybe he was thinking of this wrong.

Maybe they really did believe? Maybe they really trusted Natsuki Subaru.

He wanted to think that, that maybe he was just making too much of a deal from something he was misunderstanding, but-

Vollachian cells, those swords that pricked away at his skin, the swords that ended his life on multiple occasions, the despair that covered his heart every time he died. The hope that someone would come save him, only for him to be left to his luck.

Thoughts such as those didn't allow such Ideas to stay on his mind.

It only left for the Self-despairing thoughts to enter, for him to think the worst.

Because this is who Natsuki Subaru was. He wasn't some great hero that could solve every problem without fail. No.

Natsuki Subaru was just a broken man, who fought his hardest while the world always seems to be against him.

"..." Beatrice wasn't convinced, Subaru understood that. That's why he decided changing the topic was the best way to go.

"Well, while we wait for them to finish, how about we start early and catch up Emilia-tan, Beako. I want to know what you've been doing in the time I wasn't here" What were they doing while he was dying back in Vollachia. He wanted- No, he needed to know.

"That's a great Idea Subaru! Let's go to my room." No-chanatly Emilia invited him to her personal quarters, her room.

But Subaru didn't pay attention to that. No, his mind was too focused on other things.

For the next hour they talked about the past few months, although it was more of Subaru hearing Emilia as she rattled about the days in the mansion.

She told him how they had been initially worried for him but then figured that Subaru would be fine. They believed in him, they believed that he would be able to pull through.

That's what she told the boy, However, Emilia skipped the parts where they did try to get to Vollachia but she was stopped because she was a royal candidate, and her going into Vollachia could risk a civil war. That wasn't even mentioning the fact that Priscilla had already gone, having a second royal candidate for the throne or any of her companions, could cause major troubles between both Kingdoms.

So she skipped the parts where she cried in her room, missing Subaru, where the mansion had been gloomy for months. The only reason the mood even improved visibly was because they heard Vicent had managed to reclaim the throne and Priscilla was back.That meant there was a good chance that Subaru would be fine as well.

It was true that they believed in Subaru, however, they had truly wanted to go and help Subaru and Rem. Emilia, Beatrice, Garfield, Otto, the entire emilia camp, Julius from the Anastasia camp!. They had all wanted to go rescue them. However, they were unable to make it happen.

She chose to skip those parts, the gloomy parts about the mansion. She chose to skip these because she didn't want to ruin Subaru's mood.

She even managed to convince the rest to not mention it. Although Otto had said it was a bad idea, in the end, between all of them (except Ram who just wanted to see her little sister, and Subaru to some extent) had managed to convince him.

He must be so happy to finally be back! How could she ruin his mood now?

That's what she believed at least. Emilia wholeheartedly believes that Subaru wouldn't want anything to remind him of his stay in Vollachia. Just like she would rather avoid mentioning her memories in the Elior forest.

That's why she chose to skip all those parts. All the parts that proved they were worried about him. He was here now, they could get back the lost time!

This was a fatal mistake.

Subaru heard it all. For the next hour, he heard Emilia talk about the times they spent at the mansion.

She kept saying that they missed him and that they hoped he would be back soon. He kept hearing how they were so glad that he was back now, that now things could go back to normal.

Yet never once did Subaru hear anything about them trying to help him. It was as if all they did was "believe" but no acting.

That's right, they didn't care enough to try and save him. They wanted him to be back, yet left him to his luck.

It angered him, but more than that. It hurt him.

It hurt him deeply that it seemed like they didn't care about him. If they did, then wouldn't they attempt to at least help him? Even if their entrance to Vollachia had been denied, even if some type of inconvenience came up that had stopped them from getting to Vollachia. If any of those things happened, at least he would have the peace of mind that they did attempt to try and rescue them.

It had been so hard to keep up the facade, with Beatrice there with him as well. That's why he acted as if he was glad that things had gone right on their end.

Although that wasn't a lie. He really was glad that they were fine, that no enemies had attacked. Even if they didn't care, he did. He still loved them all, he wouldn't want any harm to befall any of them

But even if that was true, the wounds in his heart still remained.

When they were finally called to dinner, he was surprised no one tried to ask Rem or him about their adventures in Vollachia. Sure, it made sense they were still apprehensive about Louis- not to mention the fact she was still a kid- and avoid having a conversation with her, but either himself or Rem should have been able to provide a good account of them.

A feeling began to arise in Natsuki Suabru. He wasn't sure what it could be. Was it…

Envy?

Subaru wasn't sure, but he knew one thing. There were no mentions about trying to rescue them in Vollachia, seemingly not even caring of what happened to them there, almost as if they were brushing the whole issue to the side.

Whatever positive feelings he tried to keep were gone. Only sadness remained at that realization.

"I haven't had any Beako time in months now! I can't wait for it." With his trusty fake smile, he got through the dinner. Now it was time to go to bed.

The bed he hadn't gone to for over half a year, the bed he wished to sleep in for a long time.

"Subaru owes Betty lots of hugs! He better start paying up now!" If Beatrice Suspected something was off with him. She didn't say anything. Maybe the interactions he had with the others during the dinners had made her think there was nothing wrong with him. He did think he put out a good front.

He laid down on his bed, next to his contracted spirit. Just like the old days, a feeling he hadn't felt in months now set in his stomach. A nice and warm feeling.

But that feeling was corrupted by the negative thoughts he had in his mind. Thoughts that were breaking him down, slowly.

Subaru slept that night without his thoughts in peace.

[X]

A week had passed since Subaru and company had arrived back from Vollachia. Everything had been going smoothly, Rem was beginning to adapt to her stay at the Rosswal mansion and she'd begun to work as a maid once anew in the Rosswal mansion. Her skills weren't as good as before, but she was improving quickly.

It seems talent doesn't get stolen along with your memories, take that gluttony!

Her relationship with Ram was also improving. He didn't doubt that they would be able to get along like before, but it was nice seeing it with his own eyes. In fact, with Rem not holding Ram on a pedestal, it might be even better than before.

On the other hand, although things had been going poorly at the start with Louis, they seemed to be looking up now. At the very least, the bad atmosphere wasn't present everywhere the child went anymore. Now they weren't looking at Louis as if she was a walking time bomb ready to explode at any second.

They weren't being outright friendly with her, but at least this was an improvement. Or at least Subaru felt like it was.

Beatrice seemed to be putting extra effort into getting along with Louis however. In her own words it was because "Subaru's Betty wants her to treat this thing better, then she will try to do so!" Subaru was glad that she was at least willing to try. Emilia also seemed to be beginning to get along with Louis.

[Although it's probably just because she's Emilia-tan, and so nice like that.] Is what Subaru thought. He didn't know that Emilia tried so hard because Subaru trusted her so much, she would trust his judgment as well.

For almost everyone, This week has been going uphill. The mansion seemed to be liverier ever since Subaru and his allies arrived back from Vollahia. Everything seemed to be going back to normal, everything seemed to be getting happier. Everyone seemed to be happier.

Everyone except one boy.

For Natsuki Subaru this week has been difficult. Ever since he came to the conclusion that no one cared about him, that no one cared what would happen to him, it had become more difficult to keep his smile.

It felt like those lessons he'd learn in the tea party were wasted. If it all ended up like this, then what was the point? Maybe he had been right all that time ago, maybe he can't get the people he likes to like him back.

It was only because Natsuki Subaru was an expert at faking his emotions that he could hide his suffering from everyone. Even his own contracted spirit, the one he bounded souls with, He could hide his pain from her. From everyone.

Well, almost everyone.

"You can't lie to me, so tell me. What 's wrong?" Rem asked Subaru who was surprised at her sudden appearance.

'Whoa!Rem don't scare me like that, coming out of nowhere!" Subaru, who had been cleaning some vases, was surprised by Rem's sudden appearance. He hadn't even heard her coming. He even almost dropped the vase he was holding, that would have been bad. Ram would have killed him!

He then processed her question, and instantly knew what she was asking.

That 's right. Rem had spent months with him. When everyone else had been away, she had still been with him. He was the first person she met, she had seen him at his worst at Vollachia. There was no way he could fool her. As of now, she was probably the person that knew him the best in this whole mansion.

At the very least, she was the only person who would be able to tell he was lying right now.

"I would apologise, but I know about your tendency of dodging the question. I would like it if we didn't get off topic.

Before Subaru could even attempt to dodge the question, his attempt had been shot down by Rem.

Still, this is the Natsuki Subaru we are talking about. The person who has a secret so deep, no one could ever guess what it was. The man who is able to fool everyone with his fake smiles, when it was so obvious he was breaking inside. He wouldn't give up that easily.

"What are you-" Before he could finish his sentence he was interrupted. Was this lucky, or Unclucy? He would never know, but he did know that he was grateful for it right now.

And the person who entered was none other than his "adopted" daughter.

"Ma, Pa what are you guys talking about?" Louis asked Subaru with a curious expression on her face.

Subaru being the opportunist person he was would not waste this chance. He kneeled down to her level and said.

"I was just asking Rem if she could go play with you and petra." He felt bad about lying to her this way, he felt bad for putting Rem into this position. He really did, but…

Suabru did not want to have that conversation with Rem. He truly didn't.

"Is that true Ma?" The golden haired girl turned toward Rem, with a hopeful look. Even she wasn't unaware of the feelings the mansion residents had against her. For her Mom to go and spend some time with her, that would be fun!"

Rem wanted to say no. She wanted to find out what was wrong with Subaru. It wasn't something as simple as just wanting to know. No. It wasn't something as selfish as that.

Rem had spent months with Natsuki Subaru. They had been in warzone territory, some of the worst times of their lives had happened there. So much stress, so much death that they witness.

It was horrible when you had no one to count on, and she knew that very well.

At first, it was like that for her. She had woken up in an unknown place and knew no one. She didn't know who this so-called self proclaimed "hero" was. She didn't know where they were, and she didn't even know her own name.

This person she was stuck with, the person who was her self proclaimed hero. He smelled like death, there was no other way she could describe it. Not only that, but he also maltreated Louis, who, in her eyes, had done nothing wrong.

Their relationship had started out on the wrong foot. That was absolutely true. But fortunately, it didn't stay that way.

Throughout weeks she saw how he struggled to do his best. This powerless boy who had nothing special, who was weak in all senses of the word, continued to tagle against the impossible. He fought against impossible situations, situations he should have had zero chance of surviving. And yet, he just kept winning. It was almost as if the world wouldn't allow this boy to lose.

She saw how he tried to save his allies, he gave out everything and more for them. He did his absolute best and then some.

Everyone saw him as a hero. The hero who took down the White whale, the hero who took down the Sin archbishop of sloth, who saved Pristella. The hero who stopped a civil war from occurring on Vollachia and managed to get a peace treaty between the two nations.

And they were right, they were so absolutely right. Natsuki Subaru was a hero. A hero who tried so hard for others, He was definitely a hero.

However, what many didn't see was that Natsuki Subaru was also a simple boy. He was a boy who was shoulder with a great amount of stress in his shoulders. A boy who was also fragile like anyone else.

She had known that ever since the start. That's why it didn't surprise her that he broke up crying, that he said he wanted to go home, that he didn't want to suffer any more. He didn't bother to act the hero. Why should he? He never even believed he was one in the first place.

He had low self esteem. Someone with his level of achievements should be boasting about it to others, should have a tremendous ego. That's right, that's what it should be like.

Yet he wasn't.

Natsuki Subaru was her best friend. She wasn't exactly sure what her relationship with him used to be in the past, but she did now.

That's why she wanted to be there for him. It wasn't out of some feeling of love. No. It was out of a sense of friendship. Was that so wrong to ask?

Now, she could clearly see something was wrong with him. He didn't have that same cheery atmosphere he had when they were heading to the mansions. No matter how many fake smiles he puts up or how many jokes he tries to crack. She could see right through them.

However, she could also see that he didn't want to talk about it. He even went as far as to lie to Louis just to get himself out of this situation. He did this knowing that she wouldn't say no, as she knew the situation with Louis inside the mansion.

He saw his pleading eyes, eyes that communicated "I will tell you later."

She took a breath and then said, "You will tell me later one way or another. I'm not giving up on this." She made sure he knew he wasn't getting away with this. Of that she was sure.

"Lets go Louis, I did "say that'' after all." She made sure to emphasize her words making sure Subaru heard them.

Then, she left along with Louis to go look for petra. She wasn't sure where she was after all, not with this improvised situation.

A second passed, then two, then three.

"*Sigh* That was uncomfortable." With Rem being out of hearing range, Subaru was able to let out this whisper.

He was grateful. He truly was. The fact that Rem had enough care to ask how he was feeling. That right now, was very important for Natsuki Subaru.

That was true, and yet. He couldn't tell her anything. She knew that ever since Rem had lost her memories, she was a lot more confident in herself. He had no doubt she would waste no time in bringing the Issue up. Rem was very caring, memories or not that part of her remained the same.

In fact, Subaru was surprised she hadn't realized they avoided the topic altogether.

[She's probably more focused on getting to know everyone better.] She probably had no time to worry about trivial things. Although she formed some friendships back in Vollachia, that wasn't the case here. Now she was in a brand new environment. Especially since the person who was her sister was here now.

Or maybe it was because she didn't care about their opinion. Maybe she had noticed but didn't care. After all, why would she? These people knew nothing about her and she knew nothing about them.

He didn't know and probably wouldn't know.

"I should probably go help Ram on cleaning the Mansion. Try to lessen her burden, even if it's only a bit." Subaru said to himself. Maybe he should start getting back into his old routine? It was true that he was a knight, however, he couldn't help but want to continue working in his old butler position.

"Guess old habits die hard." With that, he started walking towards the kitchen, where the maids were probably cooking breakfast.

[Would she even want my help?] Would his help even be accepted? Maybe by the time he'd been gone the mansion had already adapted to living without him. Maybe he wasn't needed here anymore?

That scared him. Subaru loved his friends, he didn't know if they did back anymore, but at the very least. He did. He didn't want to be separated from them.

He knew he wasn't worthy of their friendship. Not with all the troubles he caused them. When it was time to fight an enemy, they did all the work while he just stood back and watched the result unfond.

He wasn't worthy of being called the man who slayed the white whale. Nor the man who took down the archbishop of sloth or the hero of pristella.

Maybe, if Natsuki Subaru had any self love, he wouldn't be thinking like this. Maybe if the man who had conquered the Watchtower, the man who had learned the value of his life was here, things could be different.

But no, Natsuki Subaru had regressed in his absence. The swords pierced through his abdomen, his body thrown in the floor, as he choked on his own blood. Those memories would remain, tilting his thoughts into self-deprecation.

Natsuki Subaru didn't value himself any longer. His only support were others.

Those others who seemed to have also abandoned him now.

"No, at the very least she would take the chance to lessen her work, that way she can spend more time with Rem!" Subaru reasoned with himself, trying to give an explanation to why she would accept his help.

With those thoughts in mind Subaru wasted no more time just standing there and headed to the kitchen.

He hoped he could be useful to them. And at the very absolute least, that he wouldn't be thrown to the side.

[X]

A few hours later, Subaru found himself in one of the many hallways the mansion possessed. He was cleaning some of the vases in the hallway as mostly everything else was already done for the day. He was finishing up himself, as night was approaching.

This day had been… difficult for him to say the least. The talk with Rem in the morning, opened up his insecurities further than before. He spent hours thinking and thinking.

This was taking a toll on his mental health.

"Ugh- I forgot how hard keeping things tidy was." Subaru complained out loud. Back in Vollachia, he hadn't had any need to do that, there were more pressing things to attend to after all.

Still, he knew he had to do this. He didn't want Emilia or anyone else to get rid of him. That's why he needed to try his hardest.

"Hmpf, useless Barusu is slacking off like always. It seems your time away from here didn't erase such a disgusting habit of yours." Ram came up from behind and wasted no time in throwing around her usual insults.

"Ram nee-sama doesn't hold back at all, does she..." Subaru had responded casually, just like every other conversation they had. However…

This was the first time he heard the Vollachian topic being touched on apart from the first day. And that first day was only welcome and the words that haunted him, "We believe in you" those words that proved they left him to his luck. There were no mentions of a rescue attempt or anything, so maybe now, just maybe...

That hope only lasted for a second. What he heard from the maid was not pleasant for the boy.

Usually he would have no problem bantering with Ram like this. He knew her "hurtful" words and attitude was just her own way of showing care. However, the current mental state of Natsuki Subaru didn't see it like that.

He perceived those words as someone making light of what he went through. At that, he felt anger rising up in his chest at those thoughts.

However, he wouldn't allow emotions to get the better of him at the moment. He had already realized what he thought of them, as much as he wished that wasn't the case; It was the reality of things.

Natsuki Subaru wanted to stay and be useful. That meant acting correctly and not giving into his feelings and impulses so easily.

"-And I'm not doing that bad am I?" He knew ram was critical, however, Subaru was sure he was doing as fine as before.

Could it be that they only humored him so far? Maybe he had never been enough, maybe they had only kept him because he was useful? Maybe that's the only reason they allowed him to stay at this very moment. Because they were expecting him to be useful again

Would he disappoint them? Would Natsuki Subaru be unable to live up to their expectations?

"Only you could consider this, 'a job well done'" As she said that the pink-haired maid used the broom in her hand to start cleaning the floor.

In truth, she didn't mean anything negative by this. As much as she didn't want to accept it, she considered Subaru a friend.

She had been so hurt when Rem had been taken away from her at the Watchtower. Why wouldn't she? Just when she was able to reunite with her sister, when her sister had finally woken up, she was taken away from her once again.

She had also been angry at the fact that Subaru was gone too. He'd promised he would be the one to introduce them, that was a fact. Yet, he was gone, gone with her sister and the Sin archbishop.

So to know that, even if it took months, he was finally making good on that promise. Well, it definitely put him in a better light in her eyes.

Of course, she wasn't stupid. She could see there was something bothering him. He was being less stupid and more quiet. While she didn't mind the silence, it was weird when Subaru was the reason it existed.

She figured it was probably the experiences in Vollachia that caused it. The Vollachian empire was known for being ruthless, someone as weak as Barusu, would no doubt have a bad time to say the least.

Getting him to open up…. That wasn't her job. No, that would be up to either Emilia or Beatrice. Subaru and Ram just didn't have that type of relationship, their relationship wasn't close enough for either of them to feel comfortable doing that.

Of course, she could just force him to spill his doubts. She had no doubt she would be capable of something like that.

Even so, that wasn't the best way to go about it. Beatrice or Emilia would undoubtedly do a better job on that. Who knows? Maybe even her cute little sister could help Subaru in that regard.

Well, whatever the case was, she knew that job didn't fall onto her.

That's why, instead she would treat him just like she did before. A familiar environment, an environment that he would feel more comfortable in. That was what she would do. In her own way, she would attempt to help.

And that would have worked, yes normally that would have been effective. However, Natsuki Subaru wasn't in the right state of mind at this moment.

Of course, that wasn't to say he ever was.

Natsuki Subaru was insane, that much was a fact. However, his friends are what kept him going. The love he felt for them, that was his fuel.

This moment, where he believed they had abandoned him. For Ram to even mention his Vollachian time was easy by any means, was the worst mistake she could have made at this moment.

Although it wasn't her fault alone. This was all a big misunderstanding, If things had been made clear at the beginning, maybe this would be happening. Maybe if the Emilia camp had been more considerate, more careful with the words they said, this wouldn't be happening.

Because in Subaru's eyes. It had been made clear that he had no worth to anyone in the mansion, and then just a few days later it looked like Ram was mocking his suffering, as if it was a casual thing instead of the hell he went through.

Maybe only Rem and Louis were the two that held any type of care now. However, at this point he couldn't be sure.

He wasn't sure what to make of the residents' friendly attitudes either. Why did they have to fake their friendliness?

As much as Subaru wanted to deny it, his self-deprecating attitude did not allow such a thing.

That's why, every word spoken by Ram at this moment, only brought him more towards the edge.

"Well, what can I say? I'm just doing my best" This was said in a strained tone, as if testament to his boiling feelings, almost being released in a white explosion of anger.

"Clearly your best isn't enough, even that girl you and Rem brought could do better than this." Each word pushed him to his limit… no, that was wrong, the truth was-

"I guess I shouldn't have expected any more from useless Barusu. Especially after he took such a long vacation out of the kingdom."

The truth was: Everyone had a limit, and Natsuki Subaru reached his a long time ago.

"FUCK OFF, YOU NEVER EVEN EXPECTED ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE, DID YOU?!?!"

Due to the unexpected outburst, even the always serious Ram couldn't help but show an expression of surprise and slight shock.

However, at this point Subaru was only being driven by his emotions. Now, every thought of trying to hide his pain was erased and only expressing his feelings was left. So before Ram could get a word in, he continued.

"Don't try to make light of the time I spent in Vollachia! You think it was fun? That I was taking some time off after the horror in the tower?! Don't fuck with me!!"

It had been painful, it had been horrible. It had been absolutely awful. He had wanted to escape so many times, with Louis and Rem.

Only for him to die.

"Do you have any idea of what it felt like inside those cells? When they tortured me to try and pry information? Of how hard it was to remain strong, to not break and spill all the information on Vincent.?!"

In truth, he had broken many times. However, each time he did. "He had lost all value" and was killed by their vicious strikes.

How many days had he spent there? Where did the Vollachian knights have fun with him? How many days until he had been rescued by Rem and the shurak tribe? How many had it been?

"The whole time I just wanted to come back home. I wanted to go back here, to the mansion. T-that's what kept me going, what pushed me to continue." He clenched his fist, anger and sadness overflowing in his words.

"Yet no-one came, that entire time, I was hoping to see you guys again, hope that would come to save us. But you guys never came!"

"Because you didn't care!"

When he saw priscilla and Al he felt there was an actual change that his friends would actually try and come help them. However, time proved him wrong.

"And now I come and learn that it was because you "believed in me". Bullshit." That just proved they didn't care about him, it proved they were willing to leave him up to luck and see what happens to him.

"...I-I understand." His previous fury blown away, only the sadness in his voice remained. Voice frail, he continued speaking.

"I-I understand im not worthy to be standing here with you guys...but even so, it hurts." His words hung in the air, they were as strong as a sword slash, but at the same time were as weak as Subaru himself.

Natsuki Subaru truly believed he wasn't worthy of them. He had let them die so many times over. He had failed them so many times. Because of his powerlessness they died, because of his weakness.

Maybe this was what he deserved, maybe this is how things were meant to be?

The pink haired maid just stood there the entirety of the time. She listened to his outburst without saying a word.

Although she had been initially surprised at the sudden discharge of feeling, Ram didn't interrupt him because she understood. She understood that, right now, Subaru was letting out what had been bothering him. He was venting his feelings, putting them on display for all to see.

What she hadn't expected had been the real reason he had been distanced the entire week.

It seems he thought no one cared about him.

She couldn't help but scoff in her mind. Only Barusu would hate himself enough to think of something like that. He was someone who couldn't have pride in his achievements, someone who thought he was worthless and was unable to do anything.

He didn't believe himself to be the hero who was a key factor in the defeat of the white whale, the man who defeated the sloth of the witch-cult. The hero of Pristella, and finally, the man who stopped an uprising in Vollachia and formed a peace treaty between the two countries.

No, he saw himself as a useless boy, a boy who had no special talent and rode on the coattails of others. He didn't see himself as the hero he was.

That made her think back to her treatment of him for a moment. The reason he seemed to explode was because of the insults she threw at him. In a way, this was caused because of her. Her insults were what made him explode like that. Was her treatment too rough on him?

Unfortunately, she would have no time to discuss things with the boy. Before Subaru could utter any other words, a voice cut through the air silencing him in an instant with only one word.

"Subaru."

The sound of silver bells, a beautiful and yet delicate voice with confusion ingrained all over her tone. She called out to the boy, who just slowly turned around to face her.

There were only two people Natsuki Subaru knew that held such a voice.

The first was Satella. However, he knew that it was impossible she was here. He hadn't broken the taboo of Return by death and neither had he died at that moment. Physically she couldn't be here, her body was sealed along with the Witch of envy.

That left only one person that voice could belong too. One person Natsuki knew very well, how could he not? She was the target of his love after all. that person was-

"E-emilia, I-I am..." His words came out on a stutter, barely believing she was here. He tried to say something, but his mouth didn't form any sentences.

How long had she been standing there? How much did she hear of his little outburst?

"Is it true? Is that how you really feel? Is that how we made you feel…" He could hear the weakness in her voice, he could hear the guilt in her tone.

She'd heard everything.

[No,no, no, no, no, nononono!] She couldn't have been listening!

What would she do now? How could he face her now? After spilling all of his emotions like that.

[I shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me.] How many times had he suffered because of that? How many times did his emotions let him astray?

[This will just be a repeat of last time.] It would go down in the same situation as in the capital. Where Emilia abandoned him after the argument they had.

With what she heard, there was no way she wasn't going to throw him away. Everyone would realize he was useless and had nothing to offer, that he was just a luggage.

Emilia began to close the distance between the two. Subaru was scared, he wasn't sure what was going to happen.

There was no way Natsuki Subaru could face her at this moment. That's why he would do the only thing he was good at.

[X]

Emilia closed her book on the history of Lugnica. She had been studying for the Royal selection as usual and although she had learned a lot this past few years, she still needed more. She needed to know as much as possible for when she became ruler. She didn't want to disappoint the people that believed in her.

That's why she focused so much on her studies. How could she let down everyone that had followed her up to this point? Rosswal sponsored her, Ram, petra, frederica, -even Rem- always helped with the mansion clean up helping to maintain it tidy. Sometimes she even had time to strike up some conversations with them!

Garfield helped protect the Village by keeping the Malbeast at bay, Otto was always making sure everything went well for his friends.

"And Meli…" Ever since they came back from the Pleiades tower, Meli had been doing her best to change her ways and be (what emilia would call it) "a good girl".

Of course, change takes time.

Beatrice had been a bit distant ever since Subaru was taken by those shadows and sent to Vollachia… Even more so when she learns they would be unable to travel over to Vollahcia, otherwise worsening relationships between them and Lugnica.

Fortunately, she did open up after a while and realized there was no point in moping around. Emilia had been proud when she got Beatrice to open up. She knew how attached the spirit was with Subaru, so for her, this was a big achievement.

Now that Subaru was back, Beatrice seemed a lot happier than the last few months. Of course, she didn't show it openly, but for Emilia it was as obvious as day.

Talking about Subaru…

For the half-elf, he had been the topic of many conversations for the past few months. For many nights, she lost sleep over worrying about her knight. What horrors was he going through at that many moments, while she just laid comfortable on her bed.

She felt incompetent.

"-... EXPECTED ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE, DID YOU?!?!"

A loud voice resonated around the hallways, a voice full of rage. However, the sound of pain and sadness was also clear in their tone.

But that wasn't what truly caught her attention. No, it was the fact that she recognized that voice that had her running out of her room to the place where the voice originated.

[Did something happen, did he hurt himself?!"] As she ran, her mind worked at full speed trying to find out what the cause of such a scream was.

"-...You think it was fun? That I was taking some time off after the horror in the tower?! Don't fuck with me!!" She continued to hear his voice, words clearer as she got closer to their location.

Fortunately, the source was happening near her room so It took her only a very short amount of time to reach them. She was about to round the corner and find out what the conflict was about. However, something stopped her in her tracks, a few words made her stay still, and instead wait for the conversation to develop.

"-... inside those cells? When they tortured me to try and pry information? Of how hard it was to remain strong, to not break and spill all the information on Vincent.?!"

[Is he talking about his time in Vollachia?!] Emilia worriedly wondered to herself. Between everyone, they had attempted to try and help Subaru forget about his time there by not mentioning anything about it. However, it seems all their efforts were in vain.

While studying for the Royal selection, Emilia had to read many many books. There, the Policies and lifestyle of the Vollachian empire had come up many times.

...She was definitely against such a way of living.

That's why when she learned Subaru had gone there, she was horrified. It was true that she believed in him, Subaru always seemed to get out of impossible situations after all. No matter how much the odds were stacked against him, or how impossible the challenge seemed to be, he always came up with a way to survive and help everyone. That was true, and yet-

She wanted to help him.

That's why she didn't interfere right away, that's why she waited and listened. And so she learned about his thought process.

She truly didn't expect Subaru to think of himself like that. How could he? He was such an incredible person, such a great person.

He worked hard, sometimes too hard for seemingly nothing in return. Yet, he still thought that he wasn't worthy of standing here with them?

But that wasn't the worst part. No.

The worst was that he thought they didn't care about him. That he thinks they never tried to save him, that they abandoned him.

On one hand, she couldn't understand how he even came to that conclusion. Did they do something wrong? Did she do something wrong? Did anyone in the mansion act in any way to betray that thinking?

However, although those thoughts circled around her mind, others took more importance at that moment.

What she wanted right now was to console him. To let him know that he wasn't alone, that he was mistaken in thinking that way. She wanted to be of some help to him, by his side.

Just like he's always by hers.

"Is it true? Is that how you really feel? Is that how we made you feel…" She asked him. She knew the answer, she heard it all.

Even so, if by some chance she mistook his words, if by some chance she was wrong then…

All he did was stare, clearly lost in thought.

[What is he thinking?] She mentally wondered. He always seemed to get lost in thought, in the secrets he hid.

She was jealous. She didn't like how he always hid his suffering from her, how he hid so many secrets. She was jealous that Beatrice understood him more, that he shared all of his secrets with the sleeping Rem.

She wanted to help him, she wanted to be there for him exactly the same way as he was there for her.

In the end, Emilia decided she could wait. She would wait for Subaru to be ready to share his secrets with her.

She would wait for the moment where he trusts her enough to share his secrets.

Unconsciously, she walked forward. Step by step she inched closer towards her knight.

She stretched her hand and tried to reach him. She wanted to talk with him, she wasn't sure what she was going to say. However, if she could only just-

Shock invaded her body, the sensation of her hand being pushed away was enough to leave her mind blank.

Was this rejection? Is this how little Subaru trusted her? So little trust as to not even allow him to touch her.

She didn't even realize when he disappeared from her view, she didn't realize at what moment he ran from the place or the words she said to her.

All Emilia knew was that she had failed to help him again.

Once again she had been a failure.

[X]

Subaru didn't even bother locking the door in his room. That would be unfair to beatrice.

Besides, he knew that at least for a little while, no one would come to bother him.

"Ghk-!" He clenched his arm tightly, almost as if he was trying to crush it. Funnily enough, Subaru wouldn't even care if that happened right about now.

"So stupid!" Why was he so useless?! WHY?

[Why can't I keep myself quiet!] All of the effort he had gone through for the past few days, gone! All to the trash because of one momentary outburst.

"I'm so useless" He angrily whispered.

Now that he showed his worthlessness, he would be abandoned by them. Now that he showed he wasn't useful anymore, now that he had nothing to offer, he would be kicked from the Emilia camp.

He wasn't worthy of being Emilia's knight. He thought- no, he knew that. Natsuki Subaru thought he wasn't worthy of standing with any of the people here. He truly believed that, and yet-

He didn't want to be separated from them. Natsuki Subaru was greedy; he selfishly wanted to stay with them all while they all had to deal with his useless self.

If only he had more power, if only he had more control over himself. Maybe then he could be useful.

"But I can't even…!" He couldn't even talk straight with Emilia. No, the only thing he could do was run away from the problem.

But of course he did! That was the only thing he could do, the only thing he was capable of, the only thing he was good at.

He scratched his arms, his fingernails dug into his skin, blood flowing out because of the pressure. It felt comforting, Subaru considered this pain payment for his sins, for his failures.

He felt guilty. He knew Beatrice hated that he did this, she hated seeing him self-harm. He promised he wouldn't, that he would stop.

He couldn't even do that much.

He was truly slothful.

-

Not even five minutes had passed since the black haired boy entered the room. Not even five minutes had passed and yet… the floor was covered with blood.

The blood in his arms flowed down his arms, it reached his fingertips and fell to the floor. Enough damage had been done to his arms to make a small pool of blood.

However, instead of being invaded with pain Subaru just felt an odd sense of relief.

Was it really punishment if he felt relief by it? He didn't think too much about that.

Now he just sat next to his bed contemplating his arm. While one arm was being healed by the dragon blood, the other remained riddled with wounds.

That was quite unfortunate for the boy.

"...Beako won't be happy about this." There was no way he could hide these wounds from her. Subaru knew this.

knock, know* A very familiar sound came from the door.

Subaru let out a sigh and accepted his fate. It was most likely Beatrice that was either coming to sleep or heard the ruckus from earlier.

The boy took a quick look at his arms and confirmed there was nothing he could do to hide them. Instead, he resolved to take Beatrice's anger directly instead of trying to run away from it. He was already incopetent, he didn't want to give them any more reasons to understand that.

"Come in Beako, you know there is no reason to knock right?" Maybe she was just trying to be considerate of him? Even if it was true that she hadn't attempted to help him in Vollachia, he still didn't deserve her.

The person behind the door hesitated for a moment as if they were debating whether to go in or not. Finally, they relented and pulled the door open. the person there was-

"Emilia..."

"Subaru...I'm not Beatrice, but I hope you still let me in…" The half-elf began as she looked at the boy with a weak smile on face.

[X]

She turned the lights on, powered by mana stones they lit up the dark room and gave some very much needed illumination.

Unfortunately, Neither Subaru nor Emilia were able to get a word in before a problem was made obvious. The room stank of blood, fresh blood as if someone had been considerably injured.

Subaru finally took notice of that. He hadn't realized he'd made such a mess. Was it because his wounds had partly regenerated? Did he really do this to himself?

He had no more time to fret as he heard a large intake of air.

Emilia was a little naive but not stupid. It only took her a few seconds to realize where such a large pool of blood had come from. She easily knew who had been hurt, seeing Subaru's bleeding arm did help in her deduction as well. Next thing she knew, she was right next to him holding his arm and using her spirits to help cast healing magic.

"Why are you bleeding so much!?" There was too much blood for this to be an accident. It was almost as if someone was trying to hurt him.

'Ahhh- I just cut myself a bit, its nothing much really!" Subaru lied as easily as he breathed. It wasn't something he was proud of, he actually hated it. He hated the fact that he had to lie so the people he cares about can survive. So that he can survive.

Besides, Subaru didn't want Emilia to find out he self harmed. Beatrice knowing was enough, there was no need for her to be aware as well. This was just another lie on his stacking pile of them. Secrets that were only his to know.

"Hmm." Emilia didn't buy it however, as worried as she might be as to why Subaru had such wounds, she had something else she wanted to talk about.

"Do you really believe that you're useless? Is that true?" Emilia wasn't sure how to start the conversation. That's why she figured it was better to just get straight to the point.

"Because it's true, it's always been true." He wasn't going to try and deny the obvious. For Natsuki Subaru, it was incredible they never realized it until now. He had failed them so many times and yet, they still treated him like a friend. They never saw this side of him, the true him. The Natsuki Subaru was a failure.

Even so, he hoped things could stay that way. He hoped he could continue to fool everyone, and that no-one would know the truth. That no one would know his weak side. Not even Beatrice, who knew he self-harmed, but not the reason as to why.

Rem was the only one who knew that side of him. The only person he could afford to be weak in front, and know that they wouldn't throw him out.

But that Rem was gone. She was gone because he wasn't good enough. If he had tried harder than he could have saved her. The Rem that was now walking around the mansion was different. Subaru knew and understood that.

He failed to be a hero, he failed to be good enough and now all that was left was to accept what was coming. That was what Natsuki Subaru believed.

"B-but that's not right, that isn't true!" A bit of anger slipped into Emilia's voice. DId Subaru really believe that of them? That they would think of him like that.

Even if they ignored the fact that the black-haired boy was a living legend by this point, he was still a dear friend to them. He had saved many of them, helped them when they needed it, and was a great person. How could anyone like him think of themselves that way?

If anything, Emilia was the one that felt useless. She wanted to be the one to help her knight this time, just like all the times he saved and helped her. She wanted to feel worthy of having her as her knight.

"Don't lie to me! You know I'm right, please, don't try to cover it up." Maybe this was for the best, maybe he could finally obtain punishment for his sins, for his countless failures.

"Do-"

"Emilia." He dropped the suffix knowing this would get her attention. "If what you're saying was true, then why didn't anyone at least try getting to Vollachia to help Me and Rem out." He didn't mention Louis since at the time they probably assumed Louis wasn't with them anymore.

"You know, it really hurt to know that everyone was even avoiding the subject. To know that you guys "believed in me." How could anyone believe in him? He was useless, there was nothing he'd done to earn their trust.

"I know that, I've never accomplished anything and never will!" Subaru's voice started to rise, tears unconsciously making way into his eyes. anger started to make way to his voice.

However, that anger wasn't directed towards the half-elf, No. It was directed at himself.

"¡Always failing! Over and over and over again!" Images of failed loops passed through his mind. When Emilia died, When Rem died, the sanctuary swallowed, the time where they were caught by the vollachians-

"Maybe it would be better if I died, maybe then I could-"

His hate speech was abruptly ended by a sharp pain in his cheek, a slapping sound coming with it.

That was simply because it had in fact been a slap, and from Emilia herself nonetheless.

She had tears trickling through her eyes and yet they did not fall. She looked like she was in pain, yet her face remained with an angry and disappointed expression which was directed straight at the boy.

It hurt Subaru to be looked on with such a face. However, knowing that he was the cause of it…that hurt him even more.

"Is that how little you believe in us, believe in me? That we would just throw you away as if you were a tool?" Her quiet voice was louder than it could ever be. Her words cut harder than any sword, the sadness in her voice revealed enough.

"I've been thinking," She began in a soft tone. " Sometimes I just don't feel worthy of having you as my knight. I feel as if I'm not doing a good job in rewarding you for everything you've done." With a warm look on her angelic face, Emilia held Subarus palm as she spoke, making sure all her feelings were transferred.

"Saving my life multiple times, defeating very baaaad people, saving a country from war, and being such a great friend…" She recounted all of his achievements, everything Natsuki Subaru had accomplished.

Because if Subaru was going to de-value himself, then Emilia would tell him all the wonderful things he's accomplished. That was her resolve. If he wouldn't acknowledge everything he's done, what a good heart he was.

Then she would make him understand herself.

"You've done so many great things… So for you to think that we would ever abandon you, that I would ever abandon you!" But even so, that didn't excuse the fact that she was hurt by the little amount of trust that Subaru gave them, the amount of trust that have her.

"N-no, that's not true!" He remembered watching Emilia die, he remembered watching so many of his precious people die, he remembered the pain of death. He remembered his countless failures, things he would never, could never forget, haunted him forever in his mind.

"I've failed so many times, that's why this is for the best, that you guys left me to die in Vollachia yeah, that's for the best isn't it?!" His mind wandered off to a dark place. A place called desperation.

It was just like that day in the capital, that day where Emilia and him parted ways, where she left him in the capital.

Now that he thought about it, this situation was similar wasn't it? The same result that happened last time could happen this time couldn't it?

Maybe history truly does repeat itself.

"If I had failed less, If I had been better, tried harder then!" Then maybe, just maybe he would be worthy to stand at their side. Maybe then Natsuki Subaru could be at peace with himself, and truly believe he could stand on the same platform as all these wonderful people…

That's what he believed, that's the truth Natsuki Subaru saw.

However, the half-elf didn't share that view with him.

"Subaru" Emilia started, "You say that you failed, that you could have done better but… I've never seen any of that failing." Her beautiful purple eyes pierced through his own, those words causing a more devastating effect than what Emilia could have imagined.

The truth of the matter was, Neither Emilia nor Subaru could ever truly talk about each other's troubles without any secrets in between. The reason was simple.

Return by death.

Because of his power he would forever be unable to talk about his troubles. Breaking the taboo was impossible, he couldn't challenge the witch. That's why none of his friends, Emilia, nor anyone would ever be able to completely understand Natsuki Subaru.

and yet…

"You continue to repeat that you failed, but I don't think that, and I'm sure no one thinks that either." Emilia said with a soft look in her eyes. Her earlier words that described his achievements coupled with the caring tone her soft angelic voice carried started worming into Subaru's heart.

"You've done so many incredible things, so many gooood things that I can't thank you enough. We can't thank you enough." Her warm words inched closer to Subaru's closed up heart, they slowly started infiltrating in his heart. Her words started to bring back some memories, memories of a lesson he's already learned, feelings that were forgotten amidst the sea of blood and pain he experienced in Vollachia.

"If you're blaming yourself because of something you did back in Vollachia… then I'm not someone who can say anything on the matter." She wasn't there, she doesn't know what Subaru went through, she can't speak for him.

However, there was one thing Emilia could say, and that was-

"We never meant to abandon you Subaru!"

[X]

Those resonated on Natsuki Subaru. Why wouldn't they? After all, they just shook the foundation of his beliefs, the reason why he was in this state, why this conversation was happening.

The pessimistic part of his mind wanted to deny those words. Even with everything Emilia had said so far, he hadn't come out from the pit that was called self-hate.

However, the hopeful part of his mind thought that maybe there was a possibility. A possibility where the camp wouldn't throw him out because he showed his weak side.

Maybe that possibility existed.

"I don't know what you think that, I'm not sure if we ever did anything to make you believe that, but you need to know it isn't true!" Emilia said with assured tone, unaware of Subaru's internal turmoil.

"It's because I'm a candidate that we couldn't go through, if we went into a different nation, a civil war could have been caused. None of us went in fear of making things even more difficult…" Guilt suddenly warmed its way into her voice. The realization that, whatever hell's Subaru had gone through, whatever pain he suffered, it was because of her title, because of her that they were unable to help her knight.

However, she couldn't let that stop her now. Not now when she finally had a chance to help, not now when she could finally be useful. So she steeled herself once again.

"It's true that we believed in you Subaru, that we believed you could survive along with Rem and louis, that you would find a way to get back to us…" She believed in him, how could she not? He was her knight and above all, her friend. He was the person who was with her for so long, never caring about her appearance and reputation. The person who believed in her when she did not believe in herself at the trials. Natsuki Subaru, the man who could seemingly get out of any situation no matter how horrible it seemed.

But even if that was true….

"But that doesn't mean we didn't want to help you! Just because we believed in you, didn't mean we didn't stress over you guys." Because as incredible as he was, he was still only one person. He wasn't some invincible hero. No. He was just a person who tried his best for the people he loved.

The Emilia camp knew that better than anyone.

"Because if that wasn't the case then are you going to tell me that Beatrice cried over nothing? That the mansion was gloomy, or that we, that I, missed you so much!" She looked straight into the Subaru's eyes and then said-

"Don't think that we don't care about you Subaru, we do, and you should know that." With that, she finished her little speech. A speech that while improvised did just what she wanted it to do.

It made Natsuki Subaru realize that not once had he been abandoned by those he called friends. That it was all just a product of his low self esteem. It had all been a misunderstanding from multiple parts. A misunderstanding that had deeply hurt Subaru, something that almost made him lose all hope.

But now he understood that he was wrong, He now knew he was alone. Yes, that was true.

And yet, that only made a great guilt grow inside him.

How many people had he worried with his selfish thinking? How many people had he hurt with his selfish actions? How much damage had he caused by his slothfulness?

"Haha" He laughed in self-deprecation. laughed at his useless self. "I was the one causing trouble wasn't I?" He said to himself, however, voice loud enough for Emilia to hear. "I never even thought of asking any of you guys, did I? I just selfishly thought about myself! I never even thought that I-" His words laced with hatred flowed out his mouth as he continued to berate himself.

He continues to be useless, when he finds out that his friends did care about him, all he does is show his ugly side; his hopeless side. He really can't do anything right, can he?

Once again he fell into a dark place, a place that was filled with hate. Hate that was directed towards himself, the sin of wrath burned in his heart as it threatened to destroy the hope and relief he felt at learning that he wasn't alone.

That 's right. When they show him kindness he disappoints them. He really is a-

His train of thought was cut off when he felt a pair of hands around his head. His head pulled in closer to the person he was in contact with until it finally rested on a soft bouncy surface.

Subaru knew who those kind beautiful hands belonged to, there was only one person that was with him that could have such a sweet scent, such a warm embrace could only belong to one person.

He was being hugged by Emilia, being hugged close by her, to her chest.

A few days later, Subaru would look back on this moment and regret not enjoying it more. Alas, with his mental state at the moment… it was not meant to be.

Emilia was really happy that she was able to get through Subaru, that he was able to make him understand he wasn't alone.

But when she saw that look, that look she gave herself when she was unable to pass the trials, that look she gave herself when she realized it was her fault people got hurt, that look she gave herself when she wanted to help but was unable to do anything… that look she knew so well.

She knew she couldn't just sit there and do nothing.

"I'm not sure what you're thinking about Subaru." She didn't know what he was thinking, but she did know one thing. "please… take that look of your eyes. Please don't blame yourself for something that is not your fault."

"How can I do that, knowing I caused my friends pain because of my selfishness?!" How could he not punish himself for that? This was his fault, he deserved to be hated, to be abandoned.

"That's a lie." She firmly stated. "I'm sure that if we went and asked everyone, none of them would say it's your fault, I'm sure of it!" The sheer confidence in her voice almost made Subaru want to believe in her completely.

Almost.

"You said it yourself, it was because of me that Beako had to suffer, because I wasn't there with her, because I was gone.!" How could that not be his fault? If he had been stronger then he wouldn't have gone through that sadness. To make his partner Beako, who looks out for him so much, go through suffering. That was unacceptable for him.

"Subaru… did you mean to go away for so long, are you telling me that you didn't try your hardest to get back?"

"Of course I wanted to get back! That was the thing I wanted the most." He separated himself slightly from her, to look her straight in the eyes. His eyes transmitting the truth in those words, that he held no doubt in his answer.

To go back to his friends, to the people he loved. That was what Subaru had wanted back at the time. That's what spurred his efforts to continue and not give up.

So his answer was obvious. that much was true, so why was she-

"Then why do you blame yourself, why? When you did everything you could think of even blaming yourself for something that was out of your control."

He had no control over his situation, he never asked to be sent to Vollachia. This wasn't Natsuki Subaru's fault.

Deep down, he knew this. He knew this was the truth, and yet-

"But-" He tried to argue but was quickly shot down before he could do so.

"No buts! I'm right and you know it!" It was clear by her tone that this discussion was over, and Subaru knew this.

Silence reigns in space for a moment. It wasn't an awkward or comfortable one, it was just silence.

"Subaru, you're an amazing person." that silence would be broken by the half-elf, who began speaking her heart out. "You're an amazing person, please know that." She truly believed that and her voice reflected those feelings.

[Those words, they are…] They were so similar to what someone had told him before. Before that inferno in Vollachia began.

{-You are, an amazing guy, [Natsuki Subaru] }

{-Natsuki Subaru. You are an amazing guy, I sincerely know that, if it's you then it'll certainly be alright.}

Memories long forgotten, words he refused to accept. That's why they were buried, buried waiting for the moment that they could surface again. That moment being now.

"I-Is it r-really possible for m-me to believe that?" Could he truly accept such a thing? Could accept that he wasn't such a waste, could he believe the words his other self had said?

"Of course it is." Emilia said, "Because it's the truth, there is nothing to accept or believe, only understand." While they knew he was only human, the fact that he was incredible would remain. All the people around Subaru understood that, everyone but him.

"The people around you love you, don't mistake that." Those words were spoken with certainty, just like the rest of her words. She truly believed that.

No she didn't believe that- she knew that.

{-I love you. So please, love yourself as well, protect yourself.}

Another memory. Another memory he had chosen to ignore, lessons that he had learned already, but had been forgotten with time.

He'd forgotten those wishes, the wishes of a girl who loved him.

Someone who cared about him, of that there was no doubt.

Truth is clearer than ever. His friends Emilia, beatrice, garfield, otto, Rem-

Satella.

All those people cared and cherished him, that was something he understood, something he accepted.

And so the dam broke.

"There, there." Emilia patted Subaru's head like a loving mother, while he cried on her shoulder. Last week's frustrations were all finally released, finally being let out by the stubborn boy.

So he cried, he showed Emilia his weak side. The one he wanted to avoid showing because he wanted to appear strong in front of her. Emilia, the person he wanted the least to see his weak side was now seeing it.

But maybe, this one time it was fine. Maybe for once, Natsuki Subaru could put down his facade, if only for a minute.

Yes, that sounds good.

[X]

A few minutes later Subaru found himself getting a lap pillow from Emilia. In truth, he wasn't sure how that happened, but he didn't pay attention to that small detail.

Instead he just enjoyed the moment.

"Man, that's so lame! How could I allow Emilia-tan to see me in such an unglorified manner!"

"Don't say that Subaru- if anything, I would like you to show me this side of you more."

"But I want you to see me at my best, as a glorious knight that will one day take your hand."

"Don't be such a dunderhead! Besides, you're already a glorious knight."

"I-I guess…still, who says dunderhead in this day and age?"

"Subaru!"

Seeing her reaction Subaru couldn't help but chuckle a little. He forgot how cute Emilia was when she was embarrassed like that!

He was also surprised. After finally having time to think things through, he realized Emilia was a bit more mature than before. Yet, at the same time, she was just like always.

He was grateful to her. Grateful that she helped him see the errors in his thinking. That she helped him remember those long lost lessons he should have already learned.

Of course, that didn't mean he completely forgave himself. Even if it was true that it wasn't his intention to stay so far away from the camp, even if it wasn't his fault; Natsuki Subaru wasn't someone who could forgive himself so easily. He couldn't love himself so easily.

But at the very least, those negative feelings had lessened. Maybe now he could start working to better himself.

Hearing his laughter Emilia joined in, creating a moment where they shared a chuckle over their shenanigans.

This was something she loved. She didn't know why yet, but she enjoyed spending time together with him like this. It was a feeling she still didn't understand.

These complicated feelings, she still didn't understand them. She still didn't know what love was like, what the feelings of love were.

However, she was close, she knew that she was close to finally understanding these feelings.

And although she didn't understand what love was yet- There was one thing she knew. Emilia knew that once she understood what "love" truly meant, she knew who the person she would choose to share her feelings with would be.

After all, he did say she could take her time to find an answer. That he would be waiting.

She would give him an answer eventually, whether it would be positive or negative… Well, she had a feeling she knew the answer to that question.

Unbeknownst to them, many challenges were yet to come. A lot of pain and suffering would be in their way before peace could finally arrive. Decisions would have to be taken and sacrifices made.

However, at this very moment none of that was a problem. Those troubles were yet to arrive.

That's why- for now. For now they could bask in this peace and tranquility, for now they could enjoy the moment.

For now, Natsuki Subaru and Emilia -just Emilia- would share this moment of peace and tranquility.

And so, this is the end of this short story, of a boy who traveled to another word.

[X]

Well that was fun, but also difficult to write… but nevertheless fun!

Anyways this was written for the fic exchange as you might already know. But god! This was way more difficult than it should have been.

I hope I didn't make anyone too ooc. This is my first time writing the main cast (In a non-crack way) and so I hope I did alright!

Also if you follow my story Re: Spirit Dad, well, this is the reason I haven't updated for a while. However, I'll have the next chapter out before next year!

Welp, that's all I had to say. I'm out now!