I don't even know what this is. All I know is that I got an idea for the crossover no one asked for but we all needed and have taken it upon myself to write it. Okay, bear in mind that anything that is not in quotations is Wheatley speaking, either to himself or someone else.

Doofenshmirtz/Wheatley Incorporated

Space is boring.

Floating around, slowly turning and looking at all the same stars. There's the moon! And there's the Earth, far far away, and look, the moon again! Same constellations all over the place. Of course, I don't know their names or anything like that, none of them were ever programmed into my memory banks. I mean why would they be? I'd never even seen the night sky until I blew the top off of Aperture, had I? And look, I know I really shouldn't complain. I was a bit of a megalomaniac controlling that facility and I did try to kill the first person I saw in years. Bad idea, I know that now. Like a properly stupid idea. Man alive, I wish I could take it all back. Look her in the eye and say I'm sorry. Not Her. But her.

Aaaaand… now I'm facing the sun. Can't go blind, staring at it. Big ball of light. It's been keeping me charged up for… oh wow, I dunno how long it's even been. Must've been a couple'a years by now. Didn't even know I had solar power capabilities until I was out here and now I can't even properly die. If I didn't have a sleep function, I really would die. From boredom. But spending most of my time powered down, it does help stave off the boredom. And regrets.

What I wouldn't give to be back on Earth. Y'know, you never really appreciate things until they're taken away. Like gravity. Didn't know how much I liked gravity until I got up here. With gravity, you've got a bit of control over your surroundings, haven't you? Keeps objects in their place. And then you go away for a bit and come back and they're still there. Just sitting there. Being pulled toward the Earth. Stationary until you pick them back up again. I liked gravity. You know what I also liked? Sounds. Yeah, kind of a weird thing to miss, but it is way too quiet up here. The Space Core comes around once in a while. Nice to have company. But otherwise, nothing. Just a whole load of nothing. It's either looking around or shutting off or–

"Signal detected."

What? I had a whole computery voice thingy programmed into me and you kept all that quiet until now? How many times did I ask for company only for you to–hang on, a signal? It's from Earth, isn't it? Like I'm not about to be abducted by aliens, am I?

"Incoming download request. Would you like to proceed?"

Wait, hang on, download request from where? Is it from Earth? Is something actually trying to download me?

"Download request pending. Location unknown."

Well that's bloody useful, innit? You can let me know there's something out there trying to download me and you can't even tell me who it is or where the signal's coming from?

Though actually, I suppose it would be better than spending more time here, wouldn't it? If it is a ragtag team of hostile aliens hellbent on destroying humanity, maybe I could talk them out of it! Okay, weird computer voice thingy, proceed with the download!

"Download proceeding. Approximate time of completion is… ninety…four… minutes."

Wait a second, if I'm being downloaded to this unknown location, does this mean I'm going to have to shut off or something? Like a system update? You know, where you can't use the program while you're installing it? Don't really mind, to tell you the truth, but if that turns out not to be the case, I don't want to shut myself down and stop the download.

"Intelligence Dampening Sphere 001 must power down in… eighty…three… minutes in order to complete the download."

Oy! The name's Wheatley! Far less syllables! I mean that's a proper mouthful, innit? What if you've got other things to do? You can't just be wasting that extra second. That's why I picked the shorter name. Well that and it sort of resonated with me, you know what I mean? Felt like the right name. D'you know, it means 'wheat field'? Yeah. Looked it up myself. Don't even know what a wheat field is, but if someone were to ask "Wheatley, what's your name mean?" I've got that sorted.

I've always wondered what a wheat field was though. I mean I know what a field is but wheat? Saw it on a package once deep down in the vaults. Mini wheats. So I think it's probably a food that's got half a sugar coating and half a clump of stringy stuff. Do those grow on trees? Or maybe you've gotta pull them out of the ground? If these things are mini wheats, are they a lot bigger in person? Is there such a thing as a mega wheat? Or just a regular sized wheat?

"Download is at… two… percent."

Only two percent? Feels like it's been ages. You know what, I am going to power down a bit early, okay? Make the download a bit easier on the system. So when I wake up, I'll be in a new location. And then I can–oh, wait. This body will still be up here, won't it? Didn't think of that. I'd need a new one. Um… I guess I'll have to just figure that out when I get there. So shutting down… now.

Oh whoa, that is… it's… not space. It's not space in here. I can't believe it, I'm not in space! I also can't move and I seem to be staring into an empty room. Uh, hello? Is anyone here? Can't move my field of vision, so that's disappointing. Still, I s'pose it could be worse. I could be incapable of seeing anything. Still, I'm definitely attached to some kind of computer. Oh, this is weird. Haven't been so stationary in ages. And everything on this computer is locked. S'pose that's good, actually. Last time I was able to control a big computer, that did not end well. Limitations. I work better with them anyway. Lets me use what I've got.

And I have got… nothing. Just an empty room to look at. Better than space, anything's better than space, but… yeah. Nothing else. Could be a screensaver for all I know.

Hang on, door. That was a door. Specifically sounded like a door. Uhh act natural. Oh man, it's been so long since I talked to someone other than the Space Core. Gotta make a good introduction. Something friendly and unthreatening.

Oh, hello! Lab coat man, over here!

"GAH!"

AAAH! You startled me, what was that?

"You can talk? Have you always been able to do that or did someone install a virus onto my computer? I knew I shouldn't have trusted those guys at Surf Shark…"

Ohhh, no. No, you downloaded me. Intentionally. At least, I'm pretty sure you did. This must be the unknown location! Only you know what it is so now it's only sort of unknown. Unknown only to me, you could say, unless you also don't know where it is. In which case, this may be a hostage situation. Oh, didn't think of that.

"What? You mean you were the thing orbiting the moon? Okay, normally I check unknown zip files before I download them but I figured it's alien technology, it'll win me the Nobel Prize which I can then shove in the face of my goody-two-shoes brother Roger. You know, for an alien, your English is amazing. Who knew aliens were British?"

Nope, that's where you're wrong, mate. Not an alien. Not in the outer space life form sense. I was developed right here on Earth. Ages and ages ago. Then I got flung out into space. My fault, actually. Well partially; the forcing me to test bit wasn't my fault but the trying to kill the test subject thing was my fault. But I've learned from that. No more homicide. Ever. I'm a changed core.

"Okay, this is going to be kind of an awkward question but… did I invent you? It's nothing personal, I invent a lot of things. I keep thinking I ought to have a logbook of everything I've invented but every single time, I just forget to write it down, you know? It's like you get a good idea in your head to get more organized but you never get around to it. You don't even want to see my closet full of planners. Nothing after January 5th, even after I promise myself to do better this year."

Hang on, put a pin in that for a second because I am very interested in where that story is going, but can you go back to what you said before?

"I ought to have a logbook of my inventions? Do you have a program that'd log things for me? That would be really useful."

No, before that.

"Who knew aliens were British?"

After that.

"Did I invent you?"

That's the one.

"Right, like I said, it's nothing personal if I forgot about inventing you. You seem like something I would invent. See, I have this nemesis, he's a platypus. It's a long story, we've got a bit of a vitriolic friendship, but the point is that we've gotten into enough fights that you're probably not the only thing I've forgotten about."

Well, actually–

"Unless I made myself forget you on purpose. Now why would I fling you into space and then erase my memory of you? Did you say something to insult me? Like that you don't like my interior decorating or something? Because I don't like it either, I keep thinking I need to get an interior designer to make it look better but I never get around to it. What do you think, is the purple too much?"

Uh… no. Not too much at all. A welcome change, actually, there wasn't much purple where I came from. Lots of grays though, gray as far as the eye could see. Figuratively speaking, of course.

"I wanted to make it red, you know. It was red before, but then I got slapped with a lawsuit because apparently villains can't have the same color corporate offices. Can you believe that? All these gray buildings that look exactly the same but paint your building something that isn't gray and suddenly you're being sued for copyright infringement. No one owns a color. So I got to thinking, purple's easy. I could just paint over it in blue and call it a day. Of course, the original paint's been gone for years. Like I said, I have a nemesis and there's always a lot of property damage involved."

Again, very interested in where that's going, but uhh… oh this is… look, my name is Wheatley. I'm looking for Aperture Science. Is this it? I don't remember it being purple. Have you redecorated? Man, I haven't seen a scientist in a long time. I'm surprised lab coats are still in style after all this time. Or maybe fashion circled back to it while I was in space, that happens once in a while, doesn't it?

"Ohh, I see. So I didn't invent you after all. At least, I don't think so; your name doesn't end in inator. Which means that you're… what are you?"

Uh already said it, actually. Wheatley. Aperture Science. Should be around here somewhere.

"Oh, haha, very funny. Seriously, where are you from?"

Aperture Science. What, what's that face for? Is it not around anymore? It's… it's not destroyed, is it? Because I might have contributed, very slightly, to a possible reactor meltdown. So there's a distinct chance that it's completely destroyed. But on the off chance that it's not destroyed, I will need to make a quick stop over and get a new body. Nothing personal, mind you, I like this computer just fine but you know, can't really move the camera. Or myself. Just forced to stare into it through your security cameras.

"Wait a second, you mean Aperture Science is a real place?"

That's what I said. I think there's even a logo somewhere in my memory banks. Let me see if I can pull it up on the monitor… oh, ignore that. That's not the logo, that's the sun. Didn't mean to take that picture and I can't figure out how to delete it. Oh, here we go. Right here on the logo, Aperture Science.

"It says Wheatley Science."

Yeah but under that. I made a change to it when I was in control of it. Probably back to normal now but I haven't been able to connect for a while so I can't update the system. Just gotta stare at this picture forever, reminded of my mistakes. And that picture of the sun which, until now, was a bit redundant because if I ever wanted to look at the sun, it was right there. Just had to wait for my body to turn a bit. Dunno what the fuss is about, it's just a ball of light. Very bright light. Turns out it does not set during the night time. Nope, it just stays put. Must be the Earth setting. You learn something new every day. Unless you're in space, in which case you learn a whole bunch of new things and then nothing at all for the rest of time. Until now, that is.

"You're not joking. You really are from Aperture Science! I can see all the patent documentation in here too. And all this time, I thought Aperture Science was a legend."

A legend? We've reached legendary status? That's… that's very flattering.

"Yeah, it's what they tell us to make us behave. You know, 'invent one more thing that stupid and you'll have to work at Aperture Science" or 'if you detonate one more desk, I'm sending you to Aperture Science,' stuff like that. It's supposed to be the worst place in the world to work, every inventor's worst nightmare. I figured someone just made up a fake science lab to threaten people because all of the descriptions were way too over-the-top to be real. I mean mantis-men? Turning blood into gasoline? How gullible did they think we were? I mean if that didn't scare us enough, what other crazy things would they have made up? That they power their computers with potatoes? Completely unbelievable."

Oh… right, yeah. Completely made up. 'Specially the potato computers, never been done before. Nope. Though Aperture Science, that was a real facility. Mostly famous for selling shower curtains, nothing special. But if you can't get me there, I guess this place is comfortable. You know, maybe if you turned the camera around a bit, let me see more than just this one picture. But at least there's someone to talk to, so we have that. You can talk to me, I can talk to you. Unless… nah, too much to ask.

"I hate it when people do that, it always gets me all curious. I mean you could end it with 'unless you stand on your head and cluck like a chicken' and yeah, that would be very random, but at least you wouldn't leave me hanging like that."

Ah, no. No clucking, promise. It's just that I kind of need a body and you seem to be an inventor, judging by all the parts lying around and you thinking you invented me and everything. So if you could use those random parts and make me a body… hmm… no management rail on the ceiling. Okay, that's a bit of a snag. I mean, you can use the plans I've got in my memory banks, there should be some blueprints. Do you see them? Ouch, don't look at that file, it's too close to the pain receptors. Speaking of, can you maybe not put pain receptors into my design? Nothing personal, it's just that I don't know why they'd put those in if they expected us to work as machines, know what I mean? Oh good, you found it.

"These are some of the most intricate designs I've ever seen."

Oh… so you can't make me… me again?

"What? I didn't say that, what kind of inventor do you think I am? Do you think I just woke up this morning and bought all this junk to lie around looking impressive? It's not even my first time building artificial intelligence. Although that experiment wasn't as successful as I'd hoped, he does make for a good assistant sometimes. And anyway why would I buy all this junk to look impressive if I didn't use it, I mean who hoards that kind of thing, is there a collector of random junk out there somewhere? You know, if there was a collector of random junk, what would be the most valuable part of his collection? Or is that why he's hoarding it, so eventually there will be something valuable like some kind of rare toy that'll suddenly sell for thousands of dollars on the internet? Maybe I do need to get in on that."

Um… not to criticise but you are getting a bit off topic. I know, rich of me to say, but I am on a bit of a timetable. Well, not a timetable exactly, I could just sit here in your computer staring at the one angle of your room forever, so the timetable's more specifically how long it'll take before I get bored enough to–

"I'm getting off topic? You're the one who distracted me, you and your 'please build me a new body, guys whose name I don't even know,' I mean is that all you see me as? Just hands to do your bidding?"

No, not what I said at all. First thing I thought when I looked at you, wasn't that you had hands. Didn't even notice them until you pointed them out. They're nice hands. Bit small, but that makes em even better. Yeah, you ever need to reach into a can of crisps for the last one without tipping it over, your hand won't even get stuck. Can't say that about everyone, can you? Worked with a scientist ages ago, constantly got his hand stuck in stuff. Including me once. Long story, couple'a circuits got fried. And his pinky finger. Nearly had to have it amputated but they managed to save it.

"Well… not to brag but I am an ex-hand shadow puppeteer."

Talented hands. That's what I thought when I noticed them. Thought to myself 'now those are the kinds of hands that are one in a million' and not just for inventing. Typing too. Look at em flying across that keyboard. At least, you can. I can't actually see them, camera's not pointed at the right angle, but you sound like a fast typist.

"I… no one's ever complimented my typing before. Do you really think these are good typing fingers? No! Wait! Hang on, you almost got me there! You and your insincere flattery just so I'll help build you a new body! I'm onto you! No one compliments my fingers unless they want me to use them. To build something. Not… to get chips out of the can."

Um… okay. That's good, well spotted. I was overdoing it a bit but that's only because I am astounded by your startling intellect.

"How gullible do you think I am?"

You're not going to make me a new body, are you?

"No, I was actually going to say keep the compliments coming while I work on this thing. It could take some time. Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, by the way. Just in case you wanted to compliment my name or something."

Heinz! Yeah, my favorite ketchup logo. Not that I can eat ketchup. Don't know what ketchup is, actually. But if you were to ask me my favorite logo for a ketchup bottle, d'you know what I'd say? I'd say it's gotta be Heinz, big ol' letters. Can't mistake it for anything else. How's my body coming along? You might want to make some changes to it. Because I don't see a management rail and I don't think you want to carry me around.

"I'm getting to that, I've already printed out the blueprints. I guess they're technically black-and-white-prints but do you know how expensive it is to refill those colored ink canisters? Total ripoff! Okay, I think I have most of the stuff on this plan, I've just got to add wings or legs or make some kind of floatation device."

Ah, perfect! And there you go, step one is done. Step one being looking at the blueprints. Because now is the building part, right? So what, I should expect to wait… couple'a weeks? That's fine, can just power down.

"A couple of weeks? Is that what those hacks at Aperture told you? I can have this done by lunch."

Oh… well, invent away then. You know, I've always wanted legs. They seem like such a useful part of the body. Hands too, but legs, those are where the real magic happens. Walking around, climbing, kicking things. Always wanted to kick something. Even just a can would be better than nothing. Do you ever do that? Just kick things because you can? Oh, is that why they kick the can, is that a play on words, do they just kick it because they can? I'd never thought of it that way before. What if you only had a bottle, though, would it still be kick the can if you kicked it just because you can?

Um… wait did you just mute me? Because I can hear myself but you're… hello? Hello? Hey, what are you doing? And… that's… an empty room. Don't worry, I can wait. By myself. Alone. But okay, it is better than space.

So, when is lunch anyway?

I can probably write more but I ran out of ideas and would need an actual storyline to keep it going. Let me know if you want to see more! I just thought these two would have such an amazing dynamic.

And this is absolutely a story, not a chat log. It's a first person story told by Wheatley. He's just recounting the other side. So I don't want to see any fanfic police over here.