"Yo yo yo!"
That was how Exusiai had chosen to announce herself. She didn't even knock - she just opened the door and took a peek inside, grinning at the sight of the Doctor of Rhodes Island, and Amiya, seated behind the desk. Waiting.
For her.
"Oop. I didn't think the Leader would be here too! I thought it would just be you, Amiya," Exusiai told them, looking from her spot at the doorway to the empty seat in front of the desk. "Are you two ready for me? Sorry if I took too long to get here! I'm still not used to the layout of this place…"
"It's quite alright, operator Exusiai." Amiya smiled and gestured to the seat, watching as Exusiai came inside. "Close the door behind you, please."
"'Kay." Exusiai did just that - she shut the door, before finally taking a seat with an exaggerated sigh. "Sheeeeesh… What's up with this weather, huh? Is it gonna rain, or not? It's like the sky can't make up its mind!"
"It's going to rain," Amiya said simply, straightening the pile of papers in front of her. Exusiai nodded slowly, patting her knees as she looked around the office. From Amiya's vivid blue rings, to the clock on the wall, tick-tick-ticking away. But to what end?
"Sooooo… am I in trouble?" Exusiai finally asked, sucking in her lips as she looked back to the Doctor, and Amiya, who turned their respective gazes to her.
"In trouble? No, not at all. Why would you think that?" Amiya asked, smiling a friendly enough smile. Exusiai shrugged, putting up her hands.
"I dunno! I've never been called into here before. Feels like I'm in the principal's office, like when I was in school," Exusiai explained.
"The academy, right? From Laterano? Did you get into a lot of trouble in your youth, Exusiai?"
"Hey!" Exusiai pointed to herself with her thumb. "I'm STILL in my youth! Being in your 20's isn't anything to sneeze at! You don't think I'm a geezer, do you?"
The Doctor shakes their head. They've seen geezers, and Exusiai is no geezer. Now Kal'tsit, on the other hand…
Amiya pouts at the Doctor, as if she can read their thoughts.
"Anyway," Exusiai continues, "yeah, I guess I was a pain in the ass kid. Super cringe… but what kid isn't a little cringe, you know? You grow up, you learn, you look back and you cringe. That's all… you know." The Sankta waves her hand dismissively. "Part of growing up. I guess I don't have to ramble about it so much."
"Right…" Amiya cleared her throat, and she steepled her fingers together as she leaned over the desk. Like this, Exusiai thought, Amiya almost looked like the Doctor. Suddenly serious, yet well-meaning; concerned. It almost made Exusiai a little nervous, because if she wasn't in any real trouble, then what was with this office meeting?
"Did something happen? On a mission?" Exusiai asked, swallowing hard. "Did I hit someone by accident? Friendly fire-type stuff?"
"No," Amiya told her, gently, "it's not that."
"But it IS something!" Exusiai raised a finger, accusingly, "I knew it!"
"Huh? Well of course it's something… we wouldn't call you in here for no reason, Exusiai. But…" Amiya lay her hands flat on the surface of the desk. "It's necessary for us to check in with our operators and make sure that everything's… OK. That they're performing their duties, and that they're in a good headspace, and… well, it's not just the physical health of our operators that we're always worrying about. It's their mental and emotional health, too."
Exusiai leaned back. "Huh?"
"Exusiai…" Amiya's ocean blue eyes stared straight into the angel's crimson hues. "Is everything okay?"
Even with all the preparation that Amiya thought she was giving Exusiai, the question still visibly shocked the redhead. Her eyes widened, and her jaw went slack. She tilted her head, as if she didn't quite hear the Cautus correctly.
"W...whuh?" Exusiai's lips curled up into a smile, and she rubbed the back of her neck. "What do you mean?"
"Well, the question means exactly what it means, Exusiai… we just want to know if everything is okay? Is… someone bothering you? Is there something we can do?"
Amiya lay her hand over the Doctor's, on their knee. They were thinking the same thing. That Exusiai's lip definitely just quivered, if only for a fraction of a second.
"Pfft… I… I don't get it?" Exusiai gave a carefree shrug. "I don't know what would make you think something wasn't OK? Like… What's—did something happen to me? Because if it did, then maybe I'm the only one that doesn't know!" She chuckled, then continued to speak. "Seriously though, everything's good! Why do you ask?"
Exusiai couldn't see it from where she was sitting, but Amiya squeezed the Doctor's hand. "Four nights ago… someone saw you smoking on the second-floor deck, Exusiai."
The angel frowned, well and truly, for the first time since she walked in.
"Oh… shit." She bit her lip, anxiously, unconsciously, and it didn't go unnoticed by either Amiya or the Doctor of Rhodes Island. "Uh… is smoking against the rules? I don't think it is… right? People smoke all the time if they're outside… like, even… even Closure! I saw her smoking once! That actually surprised me. But she looks kind of cute when she's…"
Exusiai trailed off. It was clear that Amiya's serious expression wasn't going to budge. The angel smiled nervously, now. "I'm sorry," she muttered, without really meaning to.
"Exusiai…" Amiya's expression softened. She looked dismal, even. "Smoking is allowed, outdoors, on Rhodes Island. But you don't smoke . It says so plainly in your medical chart."
"Ah…" Exusiai gulped. "I always like trying new things! That's how I learned I…"
The voice inside her head told her to stop. She was about to make a filthy joke, but the expression on Amiya's face told her otherwise. What was happening here? It's like she's a puppet in the girl's hands. "Sorry," she muttered, again, looking down at her lap. Looking anywhere but directly at Amiya and the Doctor. "I just wanted to unwind. I heard smoking is good for stress relief," she said honestly.
"Some people self-medicate using cigarettes… but it's completely temporary. Smoking is bad for you, Exusiai. You know that," Amiya told her. The angel winced at Amiya's sudden tonal change. Suddenly, she felt like she really was in the principal's office, back at school.
"My…" She shut herself up. She was about to say, my friends smoke all the time , but how would that sound right now? She would sound even more immature than she already did. "I won't do it again, Amiya. Doctor. I promise!" She looked up at them, trying a small smile. "I promise I won't do it again. It feels… like it's not my thing, anyway," she told them, truthfully.
"That's not the only reason we called you in here," Amiya told Exusiai, before she got the wrong idea.
"H-huh? There's more?" Exusiai frowned, sinking a little into her seat.
"This smoking situation… is just the most visible shift from your usual demeanor," Amiya explained. "It's the most overt example of how different you've been, lately. A side effect, if you will, of a much larger problem."
"Huh?" Exusiai sounded worried now.
"Exusiai… I really meant what I asked you, when you sat down here. Is everything okay? What's wrong? You've been so down lately, I—we've been worried. Not as your direct superiors, but as your comrades. As your friends," Amiya told her, gently.
Exusiai shook her head, slowly. "I'm fine, Amiya. I just wanted to try smoking, like how I see Texas do it, that's all… that's really it. It's not a big deal," the angel told them.
She's lying.
I know.
Amiya and the Doctor share glances. Amiya's grasp loosens over the Doctor's hand.
"You have the freedom to say and do whatever you like while you're onboard the Rhodes Island landship," Amiya carefully worded, "but we have equal freedom to investigate our operators, and do whatever it takes to steer them toward goodness. That's ultimately why we're all here… to be our best selves. To enjoy life, to practice our arts; to improve, physically, mentally, emotionally, and—"
"I know that!" Exusiai piped up.
"—but we maintain the right to check up on our operators and see how they're doing. Even if you're primarily aligned with Penguin Logistics, you're still a Rhodes Island operator. You're still under contract."
"What does that mean, exactly?"
"It means you're family," Amiya told her.
Family.
The lump in Exusiai's throat grew heavier.
"Family, huh… I'll try to remember that!"
She laughed.
This one was the most forced by far.
"Do you want to talk?" Amiya asked her, softly.
"Talk about what?" Exusiai asked.
She's dodging…
"We won't make you tell us anything. We just want to know if there's anything we can do… to make your stay on Rhodes Island less stressful. More meaningful. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but people do their best work when they're not working 24/7. Are you burned out?"
Exusiai almost nodded. "No," she told them.
"Are you tired of being here?" Amiya asked.
"No! I like being here, I do! I just…"
"Just…?" Amiya's eyes went a little wider.
Is this an open door?
"...nothing," Exusiai told them.
No. The door is closed again.
"Exusiai…" Amiya sighed, softly. "Let us know if we're overstepping our bounds, but we want to help. Anything you need, just let us know, okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah! I'll let you know." Exusiai forced another grin, this time pointing right to her smile with both hands. "Everything's great, really. The food, the atmosphere… I definitely won't smoke again, though. I'm not Texas. I shouldn't even pretend; I'm bad with a sword, ha."
Amiya nodded slowly. "OK, Exusiai. Um, let's change the subject a little, shall we?" She watched as Exusiai's shoulders dropped, like she was no longer on the defensive.
"Sounds good to me," she said, keeping her lazy smile. Rehearsed as it was.
"Who are you bunking with again?" Amiya asked her.
"You mean my roommate? That'd be Saga at the moment. She talks funny, but she's nice! She does most of the cooking, and most of the cleaning… and most of the yelling."
"A-ha! You speak of Exusiai, yes? The red-headed little angel woman!" Saga grinned from ear to ear. "I find myself longing to engage with her, but she insists on remaining at arm's length. What a pity!"
"Really?" Amiya sounded surprised. "Does Exusiai not talk to you?"
"She speaks, and I listen! However, her tone has grown muffled in our time together. I sense… a great sadness within her. It is quite suffocating!"
"Suffocating… Exusiai?" Amiya frowned with worry. "Has she said anything about it?"
"Not a word! It is most vexing. I wish to provide all I can for her, but she ultimately refuses my help! Keep this hush… but I once bore witness to her sulking, straight into the lavatory."
"You saw her go into the bathroom? She looked tired?"
"She had a great weariness. A demon of pain; I can feel its presence; it wraps tight 'round her neck. I listened for any sound. Then, from beyond the threshold… a wretched sob."
"Exusiai was crying?" Amiya almost couldn't believe it.
"When she took leave, she seemed to be in higher spirits." Saga leaned in close, then spoke frankly. "Everything about this little angel… is a façade."
Amiya smiled nervously. She looked at Exusiai smiling across from her.
Think, Amiya, think…
You can't just force her open. She'll either break, or lock up for good.
I know…
"Everything alright?" Exusiai asked Amiya. "You look SUPER FOCUSED!"
"I am always focused on something," Amiya chanced a smile. "Focus is my middle name."
"What's your last name?"
"I'm afraid that's classified information," Amiya teased, enjoying Exusiai's growing smile.
She wants to give us a real smile… but she can't. Something is weighing her down… and she can barely breathe.
Look at her. What does she need? What does she really need? Really think about it.
Amiya exhaled sharply, much to Exusiai's confusion. "Hm?"
I'm no therapist… I do have one idea, but…
But what?
But it's embarrassing.
Then it's perfect.
Amiya let go of the Doctor's hand.
Connection terminated.
"Exusiai." Amiya pushed her own hands together. "You work… hard. You work really hard. I can see it. The Doctor can see it. Everyone can see it?"
"Oh yeah?" Exusiai gave a flourish of her head, like she had long hair, and she winked dramatically. "Sounds like I need another promotion, then!"
"Maybe you do… a third promotion," Amiya thought aloud, "with… with new benefits. Exclusive benefits," she said.
"Oooooh… exclusive benefits… for an exclusive operator like me! Does it come with a raise?"
"It does," said Amiya, her smile widening.
Almost there.
"Does it come with… a private dorm?"
"If you don't want roommates, we can give you a private dorm! Just another perk of being promoted to E3."
Almost there.
"And I get—and I get eight new guns? Because I want eight new guns! And I want one of them to be a sniper rifle!" She was half-joking, but she spoke with such glee that it was almost contagious.
"You want eight guns, you've got eight guns!"
I think we've got her…!
"But you know what, Exusiai?" Amiya added, right when the Sankta was about to speak again, "there's an extra-special perk that E3 operators get… would you mind if I show you now?"
"Not at all!" Exusiai beamed, eager to see where this was going, "lay it on me!"
Amiya stands, and Exusiai watches as the CEO of Rhodes Island circles the office desk, and stands firm next to the sitting angel, just staring at her for a few moments, as if deliberating on something. And then…
Amiya reaches out, suddenly, and puts her hand on top of Exusiai's head, just below her halo, giving the Sankta some surprise. "Hey, Exusiai… you did really well on this past mission," Amiya tells her, in earnest.
"Huh?" Exusiai pulls away slightly, staring at Amiya with some confusion clear on her face. "Uh, thanks?"
Amiya takes a step closer. Her soft hand returns to Exusiai's head, raking through the locks in her hair, and she persists. "You did VERY well, Exusiai… I just thought you should know that. The Doctor and I appreciate everything you do here for us."
"Thanks…!" Exusiai pulls back even further, furrowing her brow. "What are you doing?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Amiya smiled, warmly, "I'm thanking you for your hard work."
"Well you don't have to—" She's cut off when she feels another hand making its home in Exusiai's hair. The Doctor had moved, and somehow Exusiai didn't even notice. Now the Doctor was patting her head, too, like she was some kind of pet. They don't speak a word - they only stare, through their mask, and it's a stare that Exusiai can feel , somehow.
"See? The Doctor knows you've been hard at work making things better for us. For the other operators," she clarified, "and for the management staff. You always excel with whatever we give you. You never disappoint us!"
"R-really?" Exusiai gulped, unable to shift further in her seat. The only way she would escape this kind of stimulation, would be if she got up and left. She thought about doing just that. And yet…
Something about the Doctor's touch… and Amiya's gentle tone of voice… rooted her to the ground before them.
"Thanks," Exusiai mumbles, shuddering beneath their gaze, "b-but uh… this isn't necessary, you know? Just a raise and those guns are f-fine," Exusiai half-whispers, clearing her throat shyly. "Jeez… you're making me feel weird down here…! Are you done yet?"
But they were just getting started. Amiya's hands - both of them - find their place in Exusiai's hair, and Amiya joins the Doctor in petting the little angel, whose halo begins to glow brighter, and then fade softly… only to glow brighter again. It reminded Amiya of a cell phone charging, and it made her think that maybe, just maybe, this was a proper thing to do.
"W-whoa…" Exusiai's mouth falls open, partway, and she shudders again beneath their touch. "G-guys… what the… heck are you… d-doing?" She stammers; she's not used to this. Amiya, and the Doctor, would change that. "You're both being kinda… cringe, with all this…"
"Hush," Amiya whispers, softly, sliding her hands down from Exusiai's hair to her pale cheeks. Exusiai's eyes went wide as saucers.
She'd never been touched so… openly, and so intimately. Not in years, and certainly not by the leader of Rhodes Island.
"Ahhh… miya…?" Exusiai speaks, but she doesn't hear her own voice. Instead, she hears Amiya's voice, echoing throughout the labyrinth of her mind.
"Exusiai… I know you're hurting. I'm sorry… I want to use my power for good. I want to help you, so much. You really are a treasure to us, Exusiai. I'm sorry no one has told you before. We're going to make up for all the good things we should have told you."
"Haaahhhh…" A sound passes through Exusiai's lips. Entirely involuntary, and utterly embarrassing. Her cheeks look as though they're becoming just as red as her messy hair. "'Miya… you… shouldn't…"
Amiya smiled. She pressed her forehead to Exusiai's, as gently as she could.
Once again, Amiya's concern flooded Exusiai's mind, like an antibiotic. Soothing the wounds in her mind. "I want to. The Doctor, and I… we're here for you. Always, Exusiai. I really mean that. You mean a lot to us… why wouldn't we tell you?"
"No…" Exusiai swallowed, then forced a little laugh. "I—I don't do more than anyone else…! I just do that I'm told. What you guys… t-tell me to do. That's not special," she mumbled, unable to look Amiya in the eyes. Because she knows for a fact that if she did… it would spell doom for her.
The Doctor ran their fingers through the locks in Exusiai's hair, and Exusiai found herself leaning into their touch… sighing with a longing she didn't realize she had. It made her embarrassment grow larger; her shame doubled in size. She didn't quite understand where this was coming from, but she knew that if she didn't put a stop to it soon, she was going to be an utter mess…
"That's not true, Exusiai…" Amiya whispered again, no longer relying on just her Arts to get her point across. "You really do go above and beyond. You're a cut above the rest," she told her. "You've saved operators with your long-range recon… you've pulled new recruits out of harm's way… your scouting turned the tide of more than a few skirmishes. You're indispensable… and I think you've more than earned another promotion, Exusiai. Another promotion, your own room, those firearms you asked for… everything."
"E-everything?" It was starting to sink in. She's been played. She took Amiya's conversational bait; she's still falling for it, it just only now dawned on her. But could she escape? Or, perhaps… Did she even want to? "Everything…" She mumbled.
She wilted beneath Amiya's gaze. She knew the Cautus was staring, trying to find her eyes. Trying to bore right through them, with a drill of pure empathy.
Don't look… don't look , she told herself.
Don't… look into her eyes…
Those eyes. Shimmering oceans. The purest globes. They contained so much. They contained all good things.
"Is that really what you think of my eyes? Ahaha, Exusiai…"
Exusiai clenched her own eyes shut, sealing herself in darkness. She inched away, and Amiya pulled herself in. Of course she shouldn't have thought something so shameful. She couldn't help herself.
She needed help.
"What are you trying to prove? Why are you putting up walls, Exusiai?"
Because…!
Because… there's nothing that should be wrong. I should be happy.
I'm not infected. I have friends. I have a home.
Some aren't so fortunate, Amiya.
So why…
"Oh, Exusiai… you're silly," Amiya told her, with a rueful smile. The Sankta winced, and chanced a gaze up into Amiya's azure hues.
A big mistake. It put a crack in the dam.
"Just because we might be fortunate… doesn't mean we don't wear down. Just because we see the sunshine… that doesn't mean we'll never see the rainclouds. Everyone has bad days… but I don't mind being the one to remind you, Exusiai."
That's so… corny. You're so cringeworthy…
"Call it what you want. I'll remind you as many times as I need to. You're appreciated."
No…
"You're welcome here. You're family."
Amiya, stop…!
"We love you, Exusiai…"
STOP…!
Exusiai whimpered, suddenly, and covered her eyes. "No… no no no no no. I don't want to—I can't… I've—for so long, I—" Like an engine sputtering, Exusiai couldn't take a single sentence and roll with it. She'd start, and stop, trying to patch that dam. Trying to build a castle of excuses to hide in. Amiya would tear it all down if she had to - with her own two hands.
"You don't have to pretend, Exusiai… not with us. I promise you, it's okay to cry."
"I don't want to!" Exusiai tried to close herself off. She pushed back - right into the Doctor's arms, as they hugged her snugly from behind. A choked sob escaped her throat; she was starting to overflow from all the empathy, and all the affection. "I need to be strong. For me. F-for everyone," she stammered. "I need to be…"
"Stalwart angel." Amiya cupped Exusiai's cheeks with both hands, and the temperature contrast was intense. Exusiai's face was beet red, and she was holding it all back. She was hot enough that it would be concerning in any other circumstance… whereas Amiya's hands were cool on her skin. Like they could snuff out the fire inside; extinguish her.
Exusiai gasped. She opened her eyes. She sank into Amiya's deep blue gaze. Drowning, drowning.
She was going to drown.
And so she struggled to breathe. She started gasping for air. "It's hard," Exusiai told Amiya, almost like a warning.
"I know," Amiya promised her, holding her face, "I know, Exusiai…"
"It's so hard," Exusiai whispered to her, and her vision started to blur. Another crack in the dam.
"You don't have to bear it all yourself. You don't have to smile for others anymore," Amiya told her. She rubbed little circles into Exusiai's cheeks with her gentle thumbs, as she held her closely - as she pulled her beneath the waves. "Smile for yourself, Exusiai. Smile for you , and you alone."
Exusiai whined. "I…!"
Another crack.
"I'm…!"
A splintering.
"Amiya-aa-aa?" Exusiai bit her lip to shut herself up. Hard enough to almost draw blood.
"Oh, Exusiai…"
Amiya reached up and pulled Exusiai in for a hug, pressing the angel's face to her bosom.
And then the dam collapses.
Exusiai, before either of them knew it, wrapped her arms tightly around Amiya. An excuse drowns in her throat, and suddenly, she's wailing .
The anguish reverberated through the halls of Amiya's mind. The Doctor didn't need Arts to feel the angel's pain. It stung them, bitterly, it bore into their bones. Neither the Doctor, nor Amiya, had ever heard Exusiai break down and cry .
But here she was, doing exactly that. Finally dropping the bulwark; spilling everything before them as she smothered her own face into Amiya's pale shirt, staining it with tears.
Tears… of relief. Tears of finally, I can rest. Tears of please don't let me go. Tears of I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be like this. This isn't me. This isn't Exusiai.
"We all have our bad days, Exusiai… even you," Amiya whispered, while she held the angel close, and rubbed little circles into her back. Soothing, gentle rubs, while she grasped her tight. She looked up at the Doctor, who she knew was smiling right back. "I'm so sorry, Exusiai… we should have checked in more. Should have probed. But you should never be ashamed of being yourself - even for a day. Even for a little minute. You're always a part of us… the Rhodes Island family. Never forget that."
Exusiai shook her head. No, she wouldn't forget that. Never.
Even as her sobs devolved into choked sputters, and ugly blubbering… Exusiai couldn't remember the last time she felt so free. The release, the overflow, it was incredible. It was something she wanted more than any promotion, or private room, or weapon. It was something she thought she'd never have. Something that made her feel lighter than air; like all the weight she'd been carrying was starting to drop.
Like she could fly up, up, up, and never come back down.
Slowly, as Exusiai cried in Amiya's embrace… she felt clarity. She didn't know how long it would last - she didn't know if she'd come back down to the earth; fall back into her habits tomorrow, or the day after - but she knew that this was only the first step on the path. Amiya and the Doctor… They loved her. They well and truly loved her.
Her halo shone brightly. Her smile, just as radiant. Exusiai laughed in their care, with tear-stained cheeks, as the Doctor patted her head, and as the CEO of Rhodes Island rubbed the angel's back. Fed her all the assurances she was looking for, in the end.
Amiya was right.
It rained that day.