A/N: Happy holidays, everyone! This is my project for the Furubatwt Secret Santa event that Raeflora organized! I wanted to do a study of Tohru's grief, while also making it Christmas-themed and adding some Kyoru fluff. I hope you enjoy.
Year One
When Tohru was little, she believed in magic.
Most people who know her now aren't surprised by that. And she's aware that she just seems like that sort of person, too. So it's never shocking to people when they find out she'd believed in Santa Claus, in the Oni monsters that would come around to make sure kids behaved, and in fairies and elves and anything else fantasy.
The environment she'd grown up in had probably contributed to that escapism tactic (the internet tells her it is an escapism tactic, anyway, but she can't be too sure). She spent a lot of time alone—her mom was constantly working, and she was picked on by her classmates, so she never had any friends to hang out with. So as a little girl, Tohru found herself drawn to the idea of magic and the endless possibilities that accompanied it.
Maybe it is an escapism tactic.
Tohru and her mom didn't do much for Christmas the first couple years after her dad died. It was a holiday that her parents had loved spending together, she'd found out later, so the idea of having to celebrate it without him was probably painful. But when six-year-old Tohru, brown eyes wide and glistening, had asked her mom if Santa was real after seeing a cartoon about him on TV, her mother had of course said "yes."
And so they started celebrating Christmas, and kept doing so long after Tohru had outgrown Santa and whatever other magic accompanied the holiday.
Some of the fondest memories Tohru has of her mother, which there are plenty of, are from Christmas. Baking cookies, decorating their tiny apartment, ice skating, a gift exchange—they went all out, to the best of their ability.
Despite this, for some reason, she didn't think the first Christmas without her mother would be so…jarring.
She's managed to mostly avoid thinking about the holiday until the morning of, when she sits up in bed with a start because something just doesn't feel right. A glance at the alarm clock on her nightstand tells her the date, and she sighs. She stares at her carpet for a moment, blinking back tears that she doesn't really know how to explain the reason for. It hurts, but not in the same form most of her grief does; it's not the crippling ache in her chest that comes on her mother's birthday and the anniversary of her death, but instead just a vague heaviness on her heart.
But then, after a minute of sitting in the feeling, she pulls herself out of bed, gets dressed, and goes downstairs like everything's normal, because that's what Tohru Honda does best.
It's early, not even 8 yet, but Kyo is already downstairs in the living room, legs tucked under the kotatsu and eyes trained on the TV.
"Good morning, Kyo-kun!" she chirps, heading into the kitchen. She wonders if her enthusiasm sounded forced. She hopes not. She doesn't need anyone asking about it today.
"Morning," he mumbles, seemingly unfazed by her presence and extra high-pitched voice. His gaze flits over to her for a second before returning to the screen. "What is this shit?"
Tohru glances over at the TV from her spot in front of the stove, and her heart feels a little lighter as she sees what's playing. "Oh, this? It's The Grinch Who Stole Christmas! It's a fun old cartoon."
"Weird. Wait…is today Christmas?"
"Well…yes." Considering what she knows about Kyo (which is very, very little), it sort of makes sense that he wouldn't know that today's a holiday. She doesn't know what kind of life he had as a kid, but since he's the Cat, she can't imagine it was particularly pleasant. Christmas spirit isn't something he likely got to experience, or at least not to the fullest.
Despite that, she expected him not to care in the slightest, but he seems a little conflicted at the realization for some reason, looking at her once more with an odd expression—one she can't explain, just like she really still can't explain anything about Kyo. It makes the weight on her heart a little worse. She flushes under his gaze, and it makes her itchy in a way she doesn't understand. After a moment, his cheeks light up red too, and he says simply, "Oh."
Tohru busies herself with making breakfast, but before it's even ready, Kyo excuses himself.
"I'm gonna go on my run. I'll eat when I get back."
"Oh, uh, okay!"
He stands and moves to the stairs, and a strange, foreign hurt settles in Tohru's stomach. "Kyo-kun?" she calls.
He pauses halfway up, but doesn't turn to look at her. "Yeah?"
"Uh, it's just, well…Merry Christmas."
"Oh. Yeah. Uh, you too." And then he's gone.
She doesn't know what to make of the feeling she's left with in his absence.
That afternoon, Kagura comes over to bring him a present. Kyo springs up from under the kotatsu and runs up to his room in an attempt to hide as soon as the doorbell rings, as if he's been prepared to dart all day. Maybe that's why he'd seemed on-edge when she told him it's Christmas this morning. If there's one thing Tohru knows for certain about Kyo, it's that Kagura overwhelms him. She can't say for sure if he doesn't like her, either romantically or platonically, but knows for a fact that she's just too much for him sometimes. She understands why—Kagura can be a lot, even though she also reminds Tohru of herself in a few ways.
She's probably a lot to handle, too. It can't be all sunshine and rainbows, being around someone as broken as she feels sometimes.
She hopes she's at least doing a good job hiding it today.
When Kagura leaves, after a lot of yelling and grumbling between her and Kyo, Tohru goes upstairs and raps her knuckles against Kyo's door. It's already open, but she has a feeling he'll snap at her if she just goes in, when he's likely already grumpy from Kagura's visit.
"Yeah?" he asks, turning around toward his door. He's sitting on his floor, facing the window, Kagua's still-wrapped gift in front of his pretzeled legs.
"Sorry to bother you. I have your laundry."
He crinkles his nose up, and she thinks he's kind of cute like that, but she doesn't know why she thinks that, so she just shoves the feeling down and holds out a few shirts to him.
"You did laundry on Christmas?" he asks.
"O-oh, well…I didn't have anywhere else to be, so…"
"You don't celebrate with your grandpa, or something?" He stands up and goes over to his dresser, pulling one of the drawers open. Tohru glances into it, noticing absentmindedly that the clothes inside are all folded neatly and color-coded; that seems odd for someone as outwardly gruff as Kyo is—to be so organized. But, she supposes that every day she learns something new about him, something that doesn't meet the eye, really.
"Nope. My dad's side of the family doesn't really do Christmas, especially not now that my cousins are mostly grown up."
"Oh. Yeah. Makes sense, I guess."
There's an awkward silence, and Tohru panics, trying to think of a way to fill it. Finally, she blurts, "Aren't you going to open your present?"
"Huh?"
"From your girlfriend."
"She is not my girlfriend!" he snaps, then punctuates the sentence with a groan.
"I'm sorry! I mean, uh—Kagura, from Kagura."
"You can open it, for all I care. I didn't ask her to do that."
A couple different thoughts flash through Tohru's mind, at that:
She did it because she loves you.
That's what someone does for the person they love on Christmas.
She really loves you, Kyo-kun.
You're lucky to be loved that much. She's lucky she loves someone so much.
Instead of voicing any of those, she says, "Is she, um. Is she really not your girlfriend?"
"Fuck no." Kyo glances at Tohru. She must have a weird expression on her face, though she's not really sure what it is, because he sighs and says, "Look, I don't…date."
"Not even another zodiac member?"
"No." And he says it with such solidity to his voice that she doesn't question it.
"Oh, okay. Um, I'll see you later, I guess." She turns and leaves the room, and it takes all of her willpower to not just bolt. Tohru's a people-pleaser. She doesn't like annoying or inconveniencing anyone, which is all she ever seems to do with Kyo.
But…for the first time today, when talking with Kyo, she hadn't thought about her mother. Her chest hadn't ached.
How selfish of her, to wonder if that's a good thing.
She decides to go visit her mother's grave in repentance.
Year Two
Tohru visits her mother's grave multiple times a year—Kyoko's birthday, the anniversary of her death, Mother's Day. Additionally, on Christmas, Tohru bundles up against the cold that is a Tokyo winter, picks up her mom's favorite food at a convenience store, and leaves it at the gravesite with well wishes for a good holiday. Which, honestly, mostly consists of:
Don't worry about me, Mom. I'm okay.
Because she knows her mom will worry.
But she's okay. She means it—she really is.
Sure, celebrating holidays without her mom has been an adjustment. Her first New Year's in the Sohma's house had been enough proof of that. Since then, the boys have been very careful to ensure she doesn't spend holidays alone. But it seems that Christmas has sort of slipped through the cracks on that front. The Sohmas don't do anything celebratory for Christmas. The family is mostly busy with New Year's preparations at this point. And besides, in Japan, Christmas is a mostly romantic holiday, unless there are any small children in your home. So it makes sense that no one would try to spend time with her on that day. It's not like she's dating any of them.
But she can't help but feel a little lonely as she walks to the graveyard and sees all the couples passing by, hand-in-hand, off to their Christmas dates.
Especially this year, when she's out here alone and Kyo was in the living room by himself when she left, and he didn't even so much as look at her, because apparently that's how their relationship is now. Sometimes, at distance between her and Kyo makes her chest tight, kind of similar to how it did last year—but this time, she knows how to identify the emotion: she'd really give anything to not be going to the graveyard today, and to instead be walking somewhere else with him, fingers interlaced.
She pulls her scarf tighter around her throat, vaguely hoping that maybe she can choke the desire out of herself.
She can't help but think about the fact that Kagura didn't come over this year. She hasn't even seen Kagura in a while, and when she did, there was a distance between her and Kyo. Tohru wonders if things are over between them.
Tohru hopes things are over between them.
She digs her nails into her cold palms, trying to feel something, anything other than the emotion brewing in her heart right now.
It starts to snow, so she doesn't stay at the grave long. When she returns home, Kyo is still in the living room. She bites her lip, hard, to try and keep herself from combusting into flames. Every time he looks at her, speaks to her, or they touch accidentally, she feels like she's being burned alive.
He doesn't look away from the TV, but does talk to her as she goes past him and into the kitchen to get dinner started.
"You have fun?" he asks.
Tohru can't tell if she's elated or devastated that he's saying something to her. Especially something like that right now.
"It was fine. Thank you."
He takes a deep breath, and Tohru waits for him to say more. He hesitates for a second before spitting out, "Hot date or something?" The words sound almost like they burn his tongue, they're so bitter and quick. That makes her fingertips tingle, because maybe, just maybe…
She snorts out a laugh at the idea—both her idea and his. "Right. Something like that," she mutters.
"I…don't know what that means," he says.
She moves the pot of soup to the stove to heat up and looks at him. He's looking back, face hot and eyes hesitant. It takes her the longest time to decide what to say, and she admittedly takes a little bit of joy in watching his cheeks progressively turn redder and redder while he waits for a response.
"I went to my mom's grave," she tells him finally.
"O-oh. Sorry. I feel like a fucking idiot now."
She crunches her nose up at his language, but just says, "It's fine, really. You didn't know."
Kyo apologizes more easily than he used to, it seems. When he does something that hurts Tohru, or inconveniences her, or even just makes her put in any effort at all, the words "I'm sorry" flow out of his mouth immediately. He's softer now, on the outside, at least (he's always had a soft heart).
She wonders if she has anything to do with it.
No. No, she doesn't.
He doesn't say anything else, so she goes back to cooking, even though her limbs feel oddly numb from this conversation.
"Is that where you went last year, too?"
She freezes."You…noticed that I left last year?"
"Well, yeah."
He's watching the TV again, and she follows his gaze to it. The Grinch is being pulled down the snowy mountain by his dog-turned-reindeer, Max.
"You like this one, right?" Kyo asks.
"Oh, well…I did when I was little, at least."
"Wanna watch?"
She shifts her weight from foot to foot for a moment, because yes of course she wants to go lie under the kotatsu with Kyo and watch the goofy Christmas cartoon, but she also really doesn't. That's been her life lately: she wants him, but she doesn't.
"Don't you think it's stupid? The show?" she asks. If he says yes, she can just go back to dinner without any regret. She holds her breath.
He shrugs. "I think most TV shows are stupid."
Tohru can't help but giggle a little at that. "That's true."
It wasn't exactly a yes, so a minute later, she finds herself at his side, both of them staring at the screen and not saying anything. It's the most comfortable that a silence between the two of them has been in a while. It makes her heart simultaneously soar and burn.
After a bit, he reaches over and takes the hand that's resting on the table. She looks over at him with a start. He squeezes it once, then lets go. It all happens so quickly that she can't even really confirm that it happened at all.
The tiny part of her that still believes in magic chooses to think that it really did happen.
Year Three
The end of the year has crept up on Tohru. She's felt its arrival nagging at her, a tug in the back of her mind telling her that it's almost time. Time for a lot of things—for graduation, to move away with Kyo and start their life together, for the first New Year's celebration at which the Sohma family won't be cursed. Christmas, however, doesn't even make an appearance on her radar until the day winter break starts.
The bell rings and she stands, about to head over to Kyo when a few boys swarm his desk. He groans and rolls his eyes at them, and despite her slight disappointment in not getting to immediately claim him for herself, she finds herself biting back a smile. He says he hates those boys, but she knows they've become friends. She wonders if he'll miss them when they leave Tokyo together.
She stays by her desk and packs her bag painstakingly slowly while she waits for the boys to disperse, but gets distracted when her own desk becomes surrounded by Uo-chan and Hana-chan.
Tohru squeaks in surprise, but smiles widely at her friends. "Oh, hi, you two!"
"Yo," Uo says, grinning, and Hana nods in agreement, eyes soft despite her blank expression. But, then Uo's face hardens. "Hey, so…does Kyon know how to celebrate Christmas?"
Tohru blinks, realizing quickly that it's December 20th. She doesn't truly have time to process that thought and the feelings that come with it before she needs to answer their question. How to celebrate Christmas? Is there even a certain way to do it? Isn't it family or couple specific? And what does it matter? She has a Christmas routine of sorts, by now. She does her normal chores and cooking around the house, maybe with some holiday music playing, then goes to her mom's grave in the evening. She doesn't need to bother any of the Sohmas with Christmas, and especially not Kyo, when he already does so much for her. So why are they asking? She contemplates this for a second, then comes to another very sudden realization: she has a boyfriend. It's about to be Christmas, and she has a boyfriend.
"Oh…do you mean giving gifts?" she asks.
It seems odd that they would think Kyo might not understand such a basic cultural tradition. But then again…it's very unlikely that his birth parents ever taught him such things, and even though Master adopted him very young, she's not sure how into the holidays Master gets. And there's the fact that he's spent his entire teenage existence avoiding girls like the plague until just a few months ago.
He's fallen into his role as boyfriend very easily, considering that. He gives her his physical affection easily, and he says he loves her at least a dozen times a day. It's like it's who he's always been meant to be—just Tohru's boyfriend. But adding a last minute holiday onto things would probably be a bit much. Tohru doesn't want to do that to him. She's content. No matter how much Christmas might have meant to her in the past, Kyo is her priority. It took her ages to figure that out, to come to terms with it, but now she knows it with more certainty than anything else in her life.
"Even if he doesn't, it's okay! Gifts really don't matter. Christmas is just a silly holiday, anyway."
Uo and Hana exchange a look.
"Yeah, well…this is your first relationship. You deserve someone who's going to do all the cheesy boyfriend stuff, like take you out on Christmas and buy you a present."
"I don't need that," she says immediately. And it's the truth. She couldn't care less if Kyo takes her out or gets her a gift. If all they do is curl up under the kotatsu together and watch TV, she'll be the happiest girl on the planet.
But, at the same time, she understands her friends' concern. Tohru's life has been anything but normal, especially over the past few years. She supposes she deserves some normalcy, whether or not she really understands the need for it.
The three girls are quiet for a moment. Then, Hana-chan asks, "Would you like us to talk to him?"
"Oh, n-no, please don't do that!"
Uo opens her mouth to protest, but Hana speaks first. "Very well. We trust your judgment, Tohru-kun."
"Thank you for worrying about me, really. But Kyo-kun takes very good care of me."
"Do I?" a voice asks from behind her, and every nerve ending in her body springs to attention at the sound of it. She looks over her shoulder and can't help but melt, her smile widening even further.
"Yes, you do," she confirms. Kyo smiles back at her, slipping his hand into hers.
"And you'd better keep doing it, too," Uo-chan says. She slings her bag over her shoulder and starts toward the door, Hana-chan following behind her. "We're watching you. And Tohru, text us about hanging out this weekend, yeah?"
"Of course. See you later!"
"Creepy," Kyo deadpans once they're gone.
Tohru giggles. "They mean well."
"Yeah, yeah. So what exactly are they watching me about?" His eyes widen, then. "Did you tell them about…?"
A blush creeps across Tohru's nose, and she glances around the classroom to make sure it's empty. "No, of course not, they were just talking about…well…"
She doesn't want to mention Christmas. If he doesn't have anything planned already, he's cutting it very close, and he'll probably feel guilty. But she's not a good liar, especially not when it comes to him, so she doesn't know what else she could possibly say.
She hesitates, then takes a deep breath, and puts on the best teasing smirk she can manage. "Well…that. You were right."
He rolls his eyes, trying to maintain his cool despite his obvious blush and audible gulp. "You're such a dork."
Tohru giggles. He takes her bag from her and they head out. "Well, you don't have to tell me everything you talk about with them, you know," he says. "They're your friends, and you can have girl talk or whatever. You don't always have to keep me in the loop."
"You're very sweet. We weren't talking about that, but…I don't want to really say what it was." And even though he'd just given her permission to keep that secret, she still feels guilty doing it.
He stops, and she falls into place next to him, tilting her chin up to look him in the eye. He leans down and kisses her sweetly. She's surprised, but not at all unhappy about it. A few lingering pecks later, he pulls back fully and says. "That's okay. Really."
"Okay. Thank you."
"You thank me for the weirdest stuff."
She shrugs and squeezes his hand. They chatter away about what they plan to do together over the break, and she forgets the impending holiday surprisingly easily.
The first week of break goes by quickly. Tohru's just as busy at home as she would be if school was still in session. But this is a much more fun kind of busy—she gets a head start on filling out some of the paperwork she'll need for graduation, and that she and Kyo will need to move this summer. Tohru's never really been excited about the future. She's never even taken the time to think about it past the basics—get a job, rent an apartment, survive. She didn't consider whether or not that would make her happy. Being happy didn't matter.
She's so happy now.
At dinner on Friday, Kyo acts a little odd. He's jittery, knee bouncing up and down as he eats his noodles. Tohru watches him. He's even making her nervous. But glances at Yuki and Shigure show no signs of anything being abnormal. If they notice Kyo's restlessness, they don't say anything. They just eat in silence, which is weird for such a rowdy group. Tohru feels like her stomach might fall through her feet. She hates the silence. It scares her. It always has.
After she and Yuki do the dishes, their nightly routine, he tells her he's going to Machi's and won't be home for a few days. Shigure says the same, though citing the reason that he'll be at the estate. For a second, Tohru thinks about how empty the house is going to be—it's far too big for just her and Kyo. But that feeling dissipates quickly, replaced by a vague sense of excitement. Kyo is her home. The building doesn't matter, as long as he's there.
But when she goes up to bed and Kyo follows her into her room, like always, he doesn't sit down on the bed next to her. He lingers near the doorway, tapping his finger against the doorframe.
"What's up?" Tohru asks. She can't take it anymore. He has to say something, anything, before she goes insane.
"Eh? Oh, uh. Nothing. I'm not gonna come to bed yet, though."
She finishes buttoning her pajama shirt and makes her way over to him. "Why not?" she asks, and then she mentally curses herself for the way her voice comes out sounding just a little bit whiny.
"I have to do something. It's sort of a secret."
That stings a bit. "A secret?"
He rushes to reassure her. "Not like that. A good one. A surprise."
"O…kay?"
"I know we're home alone tonight and we should take advantage of it," he babbles, "but this'll make tomorrow really cool, so just go to sleep and I'll come back up in a little bit, okay?"
"Uh. Okay."
She's stunned. She's confused and she's nervous and she's out of words to say. He leans down and kisses her. She's not even sure if she returns it, or if she's too caught up in her head to do so.
"I love you," he tells her.
"I love you too."
And then he's gone. So she forces herself to move, even though her body feels oddly stiff. She gets into bed, flips off the lamp on her nightstand, and lies there, just staring up at the dark ceiling. She doesn't like this. Not knowing makes her nervous. She trusts Kyo, knows he'd never do anything that would surprise her in a bad way, but she's anxious all the same. Her life has been too full of surprises, she thinks fleetingly.
She's not too sure when she falls asleep, but she comes to when she feels fingers push her bangs back from her forehead, touch featherlight.
"Tohru. Tohru."
"Mm?" she mumbles, sitting up. It's light outside, and she can tell that she slept in, but she's not sure why—she set an alarm. She always sets an alarm.
"Morning, sleepyhead. Jeez, I wish I could sleep through someone's voice like you can," Kyo says, smiling fondly at her as she tries to wake up fully.
"I…but—" she says dumbly, still completely confused.
"I turned it off," he tells her, gesturing to her alarm clock. "I needed time to finish getting things ready."
"...Ready?"
"Mm-hmm." He smiles at her and holds out a hand. She takes it, though she's still totally disoriented, because if there's one certain thing in this world it's that she'll always take Kyo Sohma's hand when he offers it to her.
"Merry Christmas, Tohru," he adds once she's standing.
"Already?" she gasps.
He raises an eyebrow. "Same day every year."
"I know, but…" She doesn't know how to finish that sentence. She'd just forgotten about the holiday until now, the morning of.
How weird.
How sad.
How selfish.
"I've got something planned for us. If you wanna, I mean."
Kyo makes it hard to dwell on negative emotions when he's like this—shooting her a boyish grin, squeezing her hand securely in his, a slight blush on his cheeks. Before she even realizes it, the guilt is gone and she's saying, "Of course I do, Kyo-kun!"
He chuckles at her enthusiasm. "Good."
"Should I get dressed?"
"Nah. I mean, look at me," he says, waving a hand down his body, referring to his sweatpants and old t-shirt.
She giggles. "Okay, okay."
Nothing could prepare Tohru for what she sees when she gets downstairs.
Kyo's decked the living room out in a pile of pillows and blankets, with Christmas lights strewn about to give the room a gentle glow instead of the usual harsh fluorescent.
"It's…" she murmurs, too stunned to really think of the words she wants.
"A pillow fort," Kyo finishes for her.
She turns to him, eyes wide and full of tears.
"You did all this for me?"
He raises an eyebrow at her odd words, but also leans over and kisses her forehead. "Of course for you. It's Christmas. I thought this might be kinda nice, since we're here alone. B-but, if you'd rather go out, we can totally do that instead!"
She shakes her head. She tries to blink back her tears, but one escapes nonetheless. Kyo smiles at her and brushes it away with his thumb.
"No. It's perfect. Thank you so much, Kyo-kun."
His cheeks flush again. He's not used to being praised still, and Tohru knows it. As much as she wants him to grow to love himself and realize that he's a great person, she also has to admit that it's precious when he gets shy.
"Sit down," he says. "I'll get the food."
"There's food, too?" she asks, getting down on her hands and knees and crawling into the fort.
"Mm-hmm. Pancakes," he confirms.
Pancakes. Their food.
Tohru takes the plate he holds out to her, beaming up at him. He grins back and scoots in next to her.
"And," he says, pulling his laptop out from under one of the pillows, "Our first Christmas together wouldn't be complete without…"
When he hits play on the video he had queued up on the screen, Tohru thinks she might die. There's no way she could experience something this romantic and perfect and full of pure love without literally dying.
She leans her head on his shoulder and watches the screen as the introduction to The Grinch pops up, absentmindedly chopping her pancake up into triangles as she does.
"I love you," she tells him.
"I love you too. So much."
They stuff themselves full of pancakes and finish the movie. Kyo even admits that it's kind of a good show, but Tohru is convinced he's just saying that to please her. She says as much, but he of course denies it with hot cheeks and a frown. She laughs at him, and she's happy.
But after a minute, she notices him fidgeting again. She reaches out and puts her hand on his knee. He jumps a bit, but softens when she squeezes gently.
"What's going on, Kyo-kun?"
Kyo sighs and reaches into his pocket. Tohru watches as his fingers trace absentmindedly over something she can't see, her view obstructed by the gray fabric of his sweatpants.
"I got you something," he says, and she doesn't understand why, but his cheeks pinken.
"You did? How sweet of you! You didn't have to do that." He smiles and looks away. "But…why is that making you nervous?"
"It's…kind of a big thing."
"Big like…how?"
He takes a deep breath and pulls the mystery item out of his pocket—a small jewelry box. "I know we've talked about this, and we both agreed that this is it for us—we're in this for life. But, uh, I wanted to give you something to wear." He flicks the box open with his thumb, revealing a dainty ring inside. Tohru's eyes widen, and she looks back and forth between him and the ring. Her silence apparently panics him, because he starts rambling nervously, a habit he picked up from her at some point. "B-but, only if you want to, of course! If you don't want to feel, like, too tied to me or anything, you can say so, and I'll keep this for later, until you're ready…"
Tohru laughs, the sound a bit watery as her eyes cloud over with tears. "You're so silly, Kyo-kun."
"Does that mean—?"
She doesn't even give that question a response. She just shakes her head at him fondly, then asks, "Will you put it on me, please?"
He swallows hard, nods, then pulls the ring out of the box with shaky fingers. Before actually putting it on her, though, he hesitates. "Uh…wait. What hand does it go on again?"
"Oh, um. Left? I think?"
He goes with it and puts it on her left ring finger, chuckling as he does, despite the trembling of his hands. "How are we supposed to get married someday when we don't even know that?"
She giggles and looks down at the ring. It sparkles in the Christmas lights, and her hand is wrapped up in his, and everything is right with the world. "We'll figure everything out."
Kyo nods. "That's all I need."
"It's beautiful. Thank you. I love you so much, Kyo-kun."
"I love you, too. You're everything, Tohru." He raises her hand and kisses her knuckles, ring and all. Then, he releases her hand to wipe away a tear sliding down her cheek. "That wasn't supposed to make you cry," he whispers.
She giggles, then sniffles back more tears. "Well, you know me…"
He laughs in return, and she thinks about how beautiful he is.
She's so lucky.
After a while, they lie back against the pillows, on their sides facing each other. Kyo reaches over and tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Hey…"
"Hm?"
"Can I ask you something?"
She raises an eyebrow. "You don't need to ask for permission first."
"Well…" he cringes. "It might be something you're not gonna like."
"Well now I have to know," she says, even though that had had the opposite effect on her—now she just wants him to keep the question to himself, to lie here in his arms in peace for a bit longer.
"Did you and your mom used to celebrate Christmas together?"
Tohru feels her shoulders stiffen. She just looks into his eyes quietly for a moment, her survival instincts trying to figure out a way around answering this question. But he looks so earnest, like he's waiting with baited breath for her to answer. So she takes a deep breath, squeezes her eyes shut tight, and lets the words tumble out, because she never, ever wants to disappoint Kyo.
"Yes. We did. She always made Christmas so great."
"Yeah? What did you guys do?"
She can see it all so clearly, then, like she's still back in that little apartment with her mom. She smiles a little. "Well, we always started out trying to make cookies. But mom wasn't much of a cook, so they never turned out too well. I always tried to rescue them, but they ended up burnt a lot of the time, so we'd just put a lot of icing on to make up for it. And we'd go ice skating, and she tried to teach me the lyrics of her favorite songs, but well, I can't sing too well, and I'm not that great at English, either. So you can imagine how that turned out. We gave each other a present every year, too."
"Jeez, you guys went all out."
"We always tried." She opens her eyes again and looks up at Kyo. He's smiling a bit, too, but his eyes are sad.
"Is that why you go to her grave on Christmas?"
"W-well, that's…" Tohru hesitates. Should she really be talking about her mom right now, when she's lying with Kyo enjoying the surprise he set up for her? What a way to ruin the mood.
"You can tell me the truth," he whispers, essentially reading her mind like always. "It's okay."
Tohru's quiet for a minute, trying to put the words together in her head. Kyo's patient, just bringing a hand down to the small of her back to rub circles against her spine. "I miss her," she admits finally, voice faltering. "We always had the best Christmases. And now she's gone."
He nods and waits for her to continue, hand still moving lightly.
"I think about her a lot on Christmas. But I never wanted to bother you with it."
Kyo sighs and presses a kiss to her hair. "So you've been suffering alone, all this time? The whole time you've lived here?"
She nods.
"That must have been lonely."
"It was," she whimpers.
He plants another kiss against the top of her head, then moves one hand to her chin. He tilts it up so she's looking at him in the eye. And then he says the sweetest, most painful thing Tohru's ever heard: "Well…you're not alone anymore. Never again."
And in return, before she completely breaks down, she says something that sort of surprises even herself: "I know."
She sobs and whimpers. She lets her tears fall and soak through Kyo's shirt. She lets herself feel it, feel everything—every greedy, painful, disgusting emotion that courses through her. She sits there, and she cries, and she mourns.
And he holds onto her the whole time.
Year 10
After she gives birth to Hajime, Tohru believes in magic again.
Because what is this little boy, half her and half the person she loves, if not just pure magic?
And besides, it's impossible to not see the magic in the world when it's all your four year old talks about. Hajime believes in dragons, fairies, Oni monsters, and Santa Claus, and he brings these things back to life for Tohru. He's almost as obsessed with it all as she was as a child. But unlike Tohru, he doesn't live in an environment in which he needs to grow up quickly to survive; so Tohru and Kyo want him to hold onto this childlike wonder for as long as possible.
So when Hajime asked Santa for a race car track this year, Tohru and Kyo didn't hesitate to go find one. But neither of them are particularly fantastic with assembling things, so they were up all night trying to figure it out ("Are you sure this part goes here?" "Tohru, I can read the instructions." "I know, but…").
And now, their toddler bounces up and down on their bed, cheering that they need to wake up.
"Mommy, Daddy! I think Santa came!"
Tohru blinks the sleepy haze from her eyes and looks over at her phone, biting back a groan when she sees that it's only 6am. Kyo really does groan, but then he immediately pulls himself up, because that's the kind of father he is, and Tohru loves him for it.
"Yeah, you think so, bud? Well, we'd better get Mommy up so we can go check."
Tohru smiles a bit and shakes her head. "Okay, okay, I'm up."
Kyo stands and picks Hajime up off the foot of their bed while Tohru looks around the room for her slippers. "We have to get Grandma, too," Kyo reminds Hajime.
"I know," Hajime says. "So we gotta hurry!"
"Alright, I'm ready," Tohru says, shoving her feet into her slippers and heading over to the dresser, where Kyoko's photo is standing right now. It gets moved around quite a bit—Hajime likes to talk to her and carry her around. That used to hurt a little bit, but time has made Tohru's grief feel less fatal. It's morphed from having sharp edges and corners that stabbed her heart, into something softer. A dull ache that's always present in her chest, but that doesn't keep her from living fully anymore. Sometimes it throbs, and she has to take time away from the world to figure out how to keep going. But most days, she's normal. She's able to tell stories to Hajime without crying, and she smiles at the memories that come up. Christmas is a little hard, but it's no exception; she gets through it every year, and every year it gets a little easier, especially with Hajime around.
"I've got Grandma," Tohru says, and everyone heads out into the living room. Kyoko gets stood up on the coffee table to watch Hajime open his presents and play with his racetrack, while Kyo and Tohru sit back on the couch.
Hajime dives right into the racetrack, admiring the different cars and picking which he thinks will be fastest. Kyo presses a kiss to Tohru's temple while she watches their son.
"Merry Christmas," he tells her, pulling her closer.
She turns to face him. "Merry Christmas, Kyo-kun."
"How are you feeling?" He asks her that every Christmas; well, every holiday in general, really. He knows it's harder than normal on special days, and on milestones—every first that Hajime has, Tohru talks about how she wishes she could call her mom. He's good about holding her and kissing her face and just letting her feel everything when she gets like that.
Tohru hums, taking a second to do a mental scan of her body. "Tired."
Kyo laughs. "Yeah, me too. We only went to bed three hours ago. But you know what I really mean."
Tohru smiles, though a little sadly. "I miss her," she says.
"I know."
"But I'm so, so happy to be here with you and Hajime. And she's here, too."
"Yeah, she is. Of course. She'd have to be crazy to want to miss this mess." Kyo chuckles.
Tohru has to giggle at that. "She loves messes like this."
"I like this one best!" Hajime announces, and his parents turn back toward him.
"The motorcycle?" Kyo asks. Hajime nods.
Tohru takes a deep breath. She can feel Kyo's eyes on her, as he waits to see how she'll react. "You know who else likes motorcycles?" she asks. She glances at Kyo. He has an eyebrow raised slightly now. He knows where this is going, of course.
"Who?" Hajime asks.
"Grandma! She thinks they're super fast. Do you think your motorcycle will win the race?"
"Yeah, duh! Look, Grandma!" He holds the motorcycle up in front of Kyoko's picture. Kyo puts his arm around Tohru, squeezes her shoulders tightly.
"I'm okay," she assures him.
"You're crying," he says simply.
"I know," Tohru says, leaning her head against his shoulder. "I know I am. But I'm okay."
Kyo kisses the top of her head and whispers an "I love you." She returns it, then watches the race their son has set up.
The motorcycle wins.
Tohru thinks that, just maybe, she'll keep believing in magic for the rest of her life.