She can't remember a time when she didn't love him.

It had been the pervading thought echoing in her mind since he invited her to join his family for a Christmas get together. She could tick off a thousand different reasons to say no, but none of them seemed good enough not to say yes. The tide had shifted between the two of them during the trial. Hard truths were spoken, secrets came to light, and she braced herself for him to again walk away.

Instead, he had reached out. Not only for help with Eli, but with a plea for her to let him in. Oh, how she wanted to let him in. She had built her walls up so high she wasn't sure how to begin letting them down, but she thought accepting his invitation might be a good place to start.

And so, with his children, his mother, and her son surrounding them with love and support, they began.

Now it was New Year's Eve and he was warm and familiar next to her, and she wasn't sure how they had gotten here except that it felt inevitable.

It had been a little less than two weeks and Noah was still talking about the evening they had spent at Elliot's. It had been a mix of emotions for her, but for her son it had been magic. They had made him feel like part of their family, with food and toys and kids his own age to play with. Seeing the joy in his eyes that day had made her heart ache.

Logically, she knew she couldn't compare her childhood with Noah's, but sometimes it felt like deja vu. A single mom and a child, each longing for a family. Christmas with the Stablers have given them both a taste of what that could feel like to be part of a bigger family, and neither of them wanted to let it go. She had to be careful though…with her heart and her son's. She had watched him fall for men in her life, only to be left brokenhearted when they left. Because inevitably, they all left. Including Elliot.

They had weathered their broken hearts together, the two of them. But hers had been broken by Elliot before, and she knew it couldn't handle it again. However, she also knew that in spite of everything, he was still the only man she had ever really trusted with the battered and bruised heart beating inside her.

"How would you feel if Elliot and Eli joined us for New Year's Eve tomorrow night?"

"Really?!" he asked, blue eyes wide as he looked at her. She knew this was a risk, but at some point she had to give Elliot the chance to prove she could trust him again.

"If it's ok with you. I thought I would give him a call on my way to work." She said it as nonchalantly as she could, despite her heart beating loudly in her chest.

The look on her son's face answered before his words could. "This is gonna be awesome!"

"Hey, Liv," he said as he walked out the door, cell phone in one hand and coffee in the other.

She smiled at the sound of his voice. "Hey. On your way to work?"

"Just leaving. What's up?"

"Nothing. I just...I wanted to thank you again for dinner the other night. Noah and I had a wonderful time." She shook her head, knowing she had already told him how much she had enjoyed that night at least a half dozen times.

Fortunately, he always gave her time to say the things she meant. "So did I."

"I was wondering," she began slowly, "if you and Eli would like to come over and celebrate New Year's Eve with Noah and me? As a thank you for the other night."

There was silence on the other end of the line, and she began to second guess herself until she heard him reply. "I think Eli has plans, but I'll ask him." Another pause, then his voice spoke again, gently. "Does the invitation still stand if it's just me?"

"Of course," she replied, aware that she sounded much more breathless than she intended.

"Great. I'll call you later to let you know."

"Sounds good. Have a good day, El."

"You too, Liv."

At work she was distracted. It was a slow day, and while she was grateful for the reprieve, she couldn't relax. It almost irritated her how much she was looking forward to his reply. When her phone finally did ping, it was from Noah.

Hey Mom. Hope you are having a good day at work. What did Elliot say about New Year's? Lucy says hi. Love you.

She was wondering what she would tell him if Elliot decided not to come when her phone rang in her hand. She took the call on the first ring. "Hey, El."

"Waiting for me to call?" he said with a hint of amusement in his voice, and she realized how quickly she had answered.

"Noah sent me a text right before you called," she said. "But yes, I was hoping."

"Eli already had plans with Dickie. He feels bad letting Noah down." He paused for a moment as she assured him that Noah would understand. "But I'm still free…if you and Noah would like company."

She was acutely aware of the smile spreading across her face and she prayed Fin or Rollins didn't happen to walk by. "Noah and I would love to have you over. Be there around 6?"

"No place else I'd rather be. See you tomorrow night."

Ending the call, she clicked back on Noah's message and sent him a reply.

Elliot just called. Eli has plans, but El said he could still come. Is that ok?

She knew that Noah would be disappointed. He had really enjoyed spending time with Elliot's youngest son and grandsons, but she hoped he would still be excited. Fortunately, she didn't have to wait long for his reply.

Yep!

With plans made and her son's blessing, she began to relax a little. Whatever the night might bring, she would at least know what direction they were moving in.

She ordered pizza from the place they had frequented when they were partners. Two large pies - one pepperoni and extra cheese for Noah, and one supreme. She hadn't been there since he left, but she knew he would recognize the box immediately. Noah asked if they could pick up dessert, so she grabbed some ice cream and all his favorite toppings while they were picking up the pizza.

He arrived promptly at 6:00, dressed casually in jeans and a hoodie and carrying wine in one hand and a two liter of Mt. Dew in the other. "Figured we needed something to toast with," he said with an easy smile. Setting the drinks down on the counter, he noticed the pizza. "Haven't had a slice of this in ten years," he said, turning to look at her. "Neither have I," she said, a hint of sadness in her voice, and he understood.

As they ate, they talked about how Christmas had gone and how much they hated going back to work while Noah and Eli were on break. She asked him how Eli was doing after everything that had happened and he assured her he was doing better. He asked Noah about school and dance. Her son excitedly told him about how he was sure he had gotten straight A's this quarter, and that his dance coach said he was a natural. Watching the two of them interact was like getting a glimpse into the parallel universe that Elliot had mentioned in the letter. A vision of what could have been…or could still be.

After dinner they settled in the living room. As Times Square filled with tourists and music filled her apartment, the three of them played Uno until Noah began to get tired. Eventually they ended up together on the couch, watching the festivities play out through the television. She felt a sense of comfort, sitting between the two men she loved most in the world, and she closed her eyes for just a moment in an effort to commit the feeling to memory.

Midnight had come and gone, the ball had dropped to cheers and applause, and couples everywhere had welcomed a new year with champagne and toasts and kisses. Noah had fallen asleep long before, his head in her lap as she lazily raked her fingers through his curls. Elliot sat beside her on the couch, arm draped behind her as they pretended to watch the television. In reality, she was thinking about how normal and right this felt, and it scared the hell out of her.

"I should probably get him to bed," she said as she glanced over at him. Looking into her eyes and then down at her son, he smiled. "Let me," he replied. She wanted to protest, to insist that she could take care of it herself. But he knew she could, and he was offering anyway. So she nodded, allowing herself a moment to feel what it would be like to not have to do it all on her own.

Slowly he rose from the couch, stepping in front of her and bending to slide his arms under her son's sleeping frame. He lifted him with ease, carried him slowly to his room, and as the two disappeared beyond the door she felt the tears threatening to fall. Everything she had ever wanted was in that room. She took a sip of wine and a deep breath, trying to compose herself before he returned.

He closed the door quietly behind him before walking back to the living room and taking his seat on the couch. He was close...too close and not close enough all at once, and she found herself blurting out her truth.

"I don't know how to do this, Elliot."

He looked slightly taken aback, and she couldn't blame him. "Do what, Liv?" he asked cautiously.

"This. I don't know how to cross this line with you." She gestured between the two of them, her hand marking the literal and figurative space. "These walls that we've spent years building…I don't know how to let them down."

His expression changed as she spoke, surprise giving way to hope. "Do you want to let them down?"

"Elliot…"

"Do you?" he whispered.

She weighed her answer, keenly aware that it could change everything. Giving herself permission to be honest, she answered him. "More than anything."

"Then let's take it brick by brick," he said, taking her hand. She wove her fingers through his, caressing his thumb with her own. She sighed, wishing everything between them could be as easy as this.

"El," she began, "why did you leave?" It was the question that she had longed to ask since the day Cragen told her he put his papers in.

He looked down at their hands, still entwined. "Those walls we built? Mine were crumbling, Liv. And I didn't know what to do." His eyes drifted upward, finding hers. "The day that Sonya died...holding you in my arms…" He was having trouble finding the words, but she remained patient. "I didn't want to let go, and that scared the hell outta me. So when Jenna pointed that gun at you..." He shook his head, looking back down at their hands. "I didn't have any fight left in me, Liv. I can't justify it, but that's where I was at the time."

"So instead of talking to me about how you felt, you just disappeared." It wasn't accusatory. She just needed to vocalize what she was thinking. She needed confirmation.

"Yes," he stated plainly. "Like I said before, I knew hearing your voice would make me doubt my decision." She nodded, and he felt her hand tense in his for the first time. "Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking."

She angled her body toward him, her hand still safely in his. There were still so many reasons to be mad at him, and on another night she would let him feel the brunt of his absence. But tonight, with her son sleeping peacefully in the next room, she didn't want to be angry. "I just wish you had given me the chance to be there for you. We lost a decade, El," she said, swallowing the lump in her throat.

Looking up, she noticed a pain in his eyes she hadn't seen before. "I know it doesn't change anything, but I'm so sorry I hurt you, Olivia. It was just too complicated." He looked her square in the eyes and she knew he was thinking of that moment in the locker room. Then she had been the one to run from her feelings, so she couldn't deny that she understood the impulse.

"I know you never meant to hurt me, but losing you was one of the hardest things I've ever done." She let go of his hand, and they both took a moment. "Elliot, something happened to me while you were gone. Something I don't want to get into tonight. But in the darkest moment of my life, all I could think about was that I might never see you again...and it broke me."

"Liv…" he breathed, but she stopped him. Moving her hand up to rest over his heart, she stared unblinking into his eyes. "You really don't know, do you?" she asked gently, the furrow in his brow and tears in his eyes answering for him. "I always wondered…always thought that if you had known, you would have come back." A tear cut a path down his cheek silently, and she wiped it away with her thumb, leaving her hand resting there. "It's ok. I'm ok. You gave me strength," she said, still caressing his cheek as his tears continued to fall. "But you were also my weakness."

Suddenly, it was her cheek that was streaked by tears and his hand moving to dry them. "Do you have any idea how much I loved you? How hard it was to keep sending you back to your wife?" she asked, her voice barely audible.

"I don't," he said, fingertips soft against her skin. "I don't know what it was like for you. But I know how much I loved you. And I know how hard it was to keep going back when all I wanted was for you to ask me to stay."

A silence hung in the air like a fog settling over both of them. "All that time…it was real. We were real," she said finally, her mind racing with moments and memories that she had long since packed safely away. "We were," he said, sliding his hand from where it rested on her cheek, down her arm, again taking her hand.

"Where do we go from here?" she asked as her eyes traced their fingers before moving up, stopping at his lips before meeting his eyes. Part of her knew there were conversations that still needed to be had. Lewis. Kathy. The letter. Tucker. All things that they would have to face at some point. But his hand was warm against hers. She could smell the familiar scent of his aftershave…the same he had used for as long as she had known him. And his eyes…his eyes felt like home.

He smiled, lifting her hand to kiss its back, and she was sure he must be able to hear her heartbeat when his lips touched her skin. "I don't want to go anywhere. Not anymore. I want to be here in this city with you. In whatever way you will have me."

In whatever way you'll have me.

She had never had a choice before. He was her partner, and then he was gone. As she sat thinking about the possibility of what they could be, she remembered a moment he had mentioned earlier. "The day that Sonya died, I didn't want you to let go. In your arms is always where I've felt safest."

His eyes were bright, hopeful, and once again she found herself imagining what could be. Bolder, she brought her hands to his face, fingertips reaching around to graze his short hair. "It's ok," she said, and he didn't have to ask what she meant, the unspoken bond between them unaffected by time and distance.

His right hand rested gently on her knee as his left brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "It's still real, Liv," he whispered, his breath warm on her neck. Closing her eyes, she tried to steady her breathing as his lips grazed hers for the first time. His kiss was tender, unhurried, and she settled against him as his fingers wound their way through her hair. Her hands slid down to rest on his chest and he let a contented sigh escape him as she gently parted her lips, taking his bottom lip into her mouth. She could feel his heart beating faster beneath her palms, but his kiss remained slow and gentle. Pulling back reluctantly, he brought his forehead to rest against hers.

"Worth the wait?" she asked him quietly.

"For you? Absolutely," he responded, placing a quick peck on her forehead. "I'd wait my whole life for you, Olivia."

She can't remember a time when she didn't love him. But this was a new year, and they were making the choice to begin again…together.