"Kudo-kun…"
Her weak voice was vibrating through his ears, enticingly hitting all the way to the back of his head that it almost drown him down to the pit of insanity. All this time, it had been hard on him to get a grip of himself and to not let his inner wolf escape its cage. Yet, how could he now when her melodic frail voice was moaning his name out?
His hold on her left wrist was tightened, trapping her between the inescapable will to flee and desire to surrender as he brought her forefinger closer to his lips. Her fresh blood was dripping out from the cut she just made a second ago– the blood that reminded him of his fallen vow to protect her past self– which he caught just in time before it stained the floor.
It was red.
Like any other normal human being, her blood was red.
The iron-like taste met his tongue as he sipped her index, licking her wound clean like a child slurping his vanilla ice cream. That was then he truly fully realized she was someone who was a part of this living world– someone who wasn't that of his fallen league.
Because unlike hers, black was the color of his blood.
Not that he had ever literally seen it flow through his venule for himself, but he was sure– so unfalteringly convinced more than he had ever been in his life– that his blood had now been soiled, turning it to that of a sickening colour.
Perhaps he had been living for far too long that he could feel the veins in his whole body had gone rotted to their core. That maybe he had been perpetually exposed to the thin yet nasty air of this ever changing planet, deeply corroding his pores and all the way through each of his cells. Without him realizing that what once was red in him had turned to black along with everything else that used to remain in his soul.
That was, if a hundred and eighty three years had not been long enough for someone to live in this world.
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"I can see you're not getting older anytime soon, eh, Meitantei?" The retired thief scoffed.
It was truly an irony of him to even ask this guy when he no longer had something to repay his help with. But he was desperately in need of an answer– a fill-in to the one big whole of questions in his head that he had been searching for so long, which he couldn't find it anywhere close to the existence of logic.
DNA mutation, genetic abnormality, psychotic disorder; name them all. Yet none of those diseases he had thought that was close or even far to be the effects of her drugs, were found to be the root of his absurd physical condition right now.
While science wasn't the only thing that created this world, Shinichi spent his years digging into his rows of neglected dusty shelves, scavenging countless numbers of bookshops, and even the web. His eyes were red tired from hours of looking at his computer screen, dark circles were formed from sleepless nights of reading piles of thick weighty tomes. Everything was done in order for him to gain knowledge of this one thing that he never ever thought of believing before that went by the name 'magic'.
It was hard for him to acknowledge it at first, as if he was degrading his own pride and went down the rabbit hole. But, watching how he himself was becoming the absolute proof of its existence had pushed his mind over the edge. It was irrefutable that his creed had shifted bit by bit, from logic to illogical.
It wasn't enough, however. No matter how much he gathered his research, he needed someone who could avouch that the things he read were all real. He was a newbie in this after all. When it came to this, his mind wandered off only to this one particular person who might have dealt with it for almost half of his entire life, who was unbelievably still alive even to this day.
"And I can see you're not leaving this world anytime soon either." Shinichi sneered.
"Call it a kismet to be the last person who is still alive in this entire universe who truly knows your identity and now your curse." Kaito smirked. "Maybe helping you is my last role in this life before my time expires."
At that, Shinichi threw a wry chuckle, unknowing that a hint of bitterness had left the tip of his tongue as he replied back to the guy– the old man– in front. His grey hair and those fine lines on his face didn't change his inner self much, it seemed. And Shinichi couldn't help but think that maybe this was an image of how his look would be if he had ever grown old as well.
So this is really a curse, huh? He said to himself as he gazed down at his own young hand.
"By this time, no one could possibly diagnose your condition except her, couldn't it?"
"This is her work after all." The detective plainly said, though the sour look on his face contradicted his voice. The mentioning of her ever existence stung his heart very badly that he tried to cover it with a failing smile. Kaito clearly saw that– not Shinichi's outer appearance, but his inside.
"Right, you're one hell of a work, I guess." He sighed mockingly, feeling annoyed at the detective's ever lasting cluelessness. His elegant walking cane was making a steady thumping sound as he walked forward to close the gap between them. "You should've seen yourself in the mirror and ask that face of yours what's inside here, Tantei-san."
He brought the tip of his forefinger and thrusted it to Shinichi's firm chest, letting him know the place he was talking about. Watching at the dumbfounded expression the detective had, the retired thief smiled so smugly.
"This is the only answer I could give to you."
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Shinichi observed his mirror as he put on his black blazer, making sure if everything was in place before he went out. Aghast, nothing was right about him in the first place, for the fact that he was still alive was nothing but a flaw.
He could feel it when he was clasping the strap of his watch, the subtle pumping of his blood flowing through his veins on his wrist. Putting his palm on his chest would only make him hear it louder. And for the thousandth time, he saw how unfriendly his reflection was, greeting him without a single hint of wrinkle in his own mirror except for the ones that were meant to tell that he was moving– living a life that was so empty and cold.
"Let us go in the peace of the Lord." The priest said his final prayer by the graveside, followed by mourns and weeps of the small congregation.
It was a beautiful funeral held on one breezy day, sunny enough for the hymns to reach the clouds above, or so Shinichi thought as he watched the whole procession from afar. He was leaning himself on the bark of a big shady tree, hiding himself as to not let people notice his presence.
It was hard to believe, as if he was saying a prophetic speech, the retired thief truly departed from this world not long after their fated rendezvous, serenely closing the last chapter of his life surrounded by his family. Shinichi could only mutter his own parting prayer from the place he was standing as shovels of soils were thrown into the hole, burying the black casket deep down under the ground.
He was barely feeling any other emotions but jealousy.
Oh, how he wished he could end his life as peacefully as his rival was.
Clenching his hand to his still-beating heart, Kaito's last words echoed through his mind. He knew the guy had always been so good with weaving his words out, crafting wools of phrases that was hard to catch. At least, for someone who was as inept as he was with the romance of feelings, Shinichi failed to see the gist of his beautiful wordy arrangement in the end.
It was a message that he would never understand no matter how hard he tried to decipher it.
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"K-Kudo-kun…"
Her meek panting of his name stirred up a storm in his chest, awoke him to realize he had been holding her wrist captive for far too long. The gore that was seeping out from her skin had turned paler. It was much more unsightly than its earlier shape; a sign that he had sucked her wound too hard, too long.
His dark blue orbs found a tear at the corner of her eyes. It almost rolled down her flushing cheek if it wasn't for his thumb that swiped it away so gently. The stir in his chest fell to his stomach almost instantly, despising the hurt in her cloudy eyes he had brought.
He knew it wasn't her soul he was seeing right now, it was her blue eyes he was seeking. And it was more than enough for his repressed ego to finally recoil the overdue remorse he had held all this long– the guilt he himself hadn't known he had.
He heard his heart missed a beat, as a very old cryptic sentence from a very old late rival rang back to his ears. Except that it was no longer obscuring his mind. At last, he unwove it.
A tear fell down his cheek as a whole lot of revelations unraveled inside him, unfreezing his stopped time little by little. Her wide eyes wavered at the look of his misery in his gaze, cupping his cheek in return to copy the action he did to her just now.
"Ku–"
"Shinichi." He cut her short, his look was unfaltering. "It's Shinichi, Ai."
The blushes on her cheeks deepened, as she heard a familiar name escaped his lips. It wasn't hers, and she knew he knew that. But it sounded so incredibly natural when he whispered it so sweetly to her, like an innate treasure she had long kept.
"Shin–"
A wave of desire urged him to come closer to claim her crisp lips in a bitter sweet kiss, cutting his name yet again from escaping her honeyed tongue. She should have pushed him, her conscience shouted. It wasn't her whom he wanted. However this mysterious intense endearment inside her drove her to him more, letting herself fall as he pulled her down with him to the pit of pleasing agony.
It was indeed mystifying, but her body was aching like she had been wishing for this for her entire life in the past.
He knew it was wrong to use her to satisfy his own selfishness. He knew she wasn't her, yet this overflown emotions were unforgiving. They were spilling all over the place now, uncompromising. After all, his subconsciousness had been holding this yearning for ages, without him knowing that the only answer to his questions had been so clear within him.
"I'm sorry."
It was all he said as he wetted the palm of her hand with his tender kisses and tears.
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Never did he stop wondering– probing– as to why his time stayed still while the rest of the world were shifting together with the stream of time. Was this the price he had to pay for failing his oath to protect her? While she had completed her end of their bargain, he, on the other hand, had failed to fulfill the promise he had given her.
It was his failed promise that he had to remember. He went as far as to imprint it so clearly to his head, like it was only yesterday did he experience the memory. Because it was the nth day of the hunt to bring the crows down, and it was the day when they finally got her, pulling her altogether with the fall of their comrades.
It was red.
Bathing himself in her warm rust-like smell of liquid, he could see her blood was red.
His arms recorded so well how small her childhood body was, almost soulless. His palms witnessed her eyes drowse off, slowly decorating her face with such a serene look that she had never have before even in her deepest sleep.
If this was indeed the only way for him to atone for that one-time crime, it would be the cruelest– although the fairest– punishment that had ever bestowed upon him by the heavens. For it was tiring. To live a life that was looping over and over again, awoke to repeat the endless circle of routines every morning, was hellish. He felt numb that his body gradually turned into a living shell that he himself failed to understand.
"This is the pre-boarding announcement for flight…" The call to his flight number evoked his soul, stopping it from straying further down his thought.
He stood up from his seat, in his hand were a one-way airplane ticket and a passport with a name that wasn't his. With his rival gone at last, the only attachment to his days was finally buried along with his coffin. And with this, he left everything behind to fly from one end of a country to the other end of the world, continuing to search for that one single answer he had yet to find.
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Her blue eyes met his as he stood unmoving in front of his house gate, while she squatted to a kitten– also unmoving– in front of the low-rise apartment that used to be the Professor's house. Both were looking at each other, speechless and stunned, only a soft meow occupied the empty air between them.
How many ages had it been since the last time he saw that blue orbs?
Her strawberry blonde hair was the same as ever; wavy and looking smooth except that it was trice longer than he used to remember. And she never failed to make him so enthralled solely by her existence.
Looking at her stretched shadow on the ground, he knew it wasn't her ghost that he was seeing right now. She was real– not an imaginary, not a mirage.
"Kudo… kun?"
He instantly shuddered in excitement to hear her call his name again after so long. That voice– her voice– was as soft as the one that stuck in his head, the one that he always found only in his haunting dreams.
"Hai–" He quivered. It had been so long ago that her name escaped his lips. Now that he had the chance to say it again, it felt cold like calling a stranger's name that tasted too familiar to the tip of his tongue.
"Ah! S-sorry, I just saw you're going to enter that empty house, so I randomly guessed you're the Kudos who were supposed to live there." She suddenly sputtered as she stood up abruptly before he could let her name out. "B-but… Oh well, that house has been empty since forever, so I don't really know if it still belongs to the Kudo family or who."
It immediately woke him up that she wasn't her.
He was sure the girl in front of him right now was definitely the opposite pole of her. Only her look that seemed to be her split image.
Because for once, he never heard her talk like that– Haibara Ai never stumbled on her own speech no matter what happened to the world. Except for the last few seconds of her life that he failed to save in the end.
Yet, watching how genuine her existence was while standing before him, he couldn't help but to take her hand when she offered it so easily and friendly to him. Her smile was so wide and warm. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
If only he had kept his promise back then, would she be smiling to him like this right now?
That was then, he couldn't help but to look at her with such darkened eyes that was penetrating deep into her heart. Although it wasn't deep enough to penetrate her soul.
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"I'm sorry, Ai."
She was abruptly awoken to his fading voice, a tear fell from the corner of her eyes as if she had been crying in her sleep. But why?
Hugging the white sheet so close to her bare chest as she seated herself upright, she found herself alone in a bedroom that wasn't hers– it was his. The other side of the bed was empty and cold, the rumpled sheet was the only silent witness that he was there for real before he vanished right before her eyes.
Realizing that what was felt like a dream was never a dream at all, a recollection of familiar cut scenes hit her head so hard like a strong wave of ocean hit the bottom of a rock. Clearly, they were snippets of memories that didn't belong to her, but to her past self– they were Haibara Ai's memories.
She began crying nonstop as she remembered everything from her past life. Connecting all that to the things that happened to him after she was gone, she knew that this time, it was him who left her. After all, his bones and flesh were no more than mere grey ashes in the thin air now.
It was red.
Spotting the mark of her lost chastity on the white bed sheet, she could see her blood was red.
It was ruthless indeed, the way fate had played with their lives was truly merciless, as if someone had made a pact with the abyss to make them suffer. She wept and wept, without her realizing that what once was red in her had started to turn to black along with everything else that should have originally remained in her soul.
That was, if the repressed hatred and bitterness in her heart were strong enough to trap herself in the course of time, like he once did.
Author's Note: Truly, this was my first time writing such a fic, so it was sort of a challenge to me. And while at that, I tried something different with the way I wrote this fic (I mean, not all parts are not in chronological order).
Hope you all like it! Please give it reviews and comments as always. Happy reading and merry Christmas!
Disclaimer: All characters of Detective Conan are belong to Aoyama Gosho. I don't own any single of them.