Professor Matthew Membrane was determined to try and improve his son and daughter's lives, and he knew just how to do it in the case of his daughter, Gazlene Membrane. The constantly-goggles-wearing, labcoat-having, big, black-gloved, black-booted scientist was the world's most renowned expert on science of every variety…except for the social sciences, and he had been eagerly reading about sociology and the important bonds needed to develop during childhood in the latest "Scientific American" journal.
But then he got distracted by the centerfold from this other magazine…
"Can't forget you…ohhh yesss. Oh MY. You are truuuuly gorgeous. I want you. I want you. I want you…"
"Ugh. Dad and his stupid computer magazines." Gaz muttered as she peered into the room, rolling her eyes, Professor Membrane being startled.
"ACK! Daughter! How long have you been there?!" He nervously inquired as Gaz entered the room more fully, hands on her hips.
"Long enough. Also, that video card is totally airbrushed." She said, gesturing at the photo the professor was looking at. Membrane sighed as he put the magazine away, glancing at the "Scientific American" journal, then back at her. "I want a new computer, dad. Quadruple processors, the mainframe speed's off the charts, it's got the latest workstation graphics and enough base ram to store twice the library of congress!" She said as she held up her own magazine.
"Hmm…daughter, don't you think your friends could chip in for you on Christmas?" He inquired.
"Yeah, my online gaming buddies don't do a lot of chipping in on the money realm. I mean, we all work together to play Call of Duty's new campaigns or Fortnite but that's about it." She said with a shrug.
"I'll look over the computer…" He said, taking the magazine from her as she nodded.
"Good. Cash is also a good gift." She said bluntly, walking off as Prof. Membrane sighed.
He'd begun to realize that Gaz didn't really have any friends. And the magazine had made it clear it was VITALLY important for her to not have stunted development in this arena. She NEEDED real, actual friends. But how?
Well…luckily, he knew just the ticket.
…
…
…
…one might have hoped the school's social club for girls would be less…
Well…
Nineteen F-king Fifties.
"If it pleases and sparkles, the Social Club will come into attendance." Sara said as she smacked her fancy judge's mallet on the table. BAM-BAM. All of the school girls in attendance nodded at once.
"Sunshine!" They proclaimed dramatically at once as Gaz groaned, slamming her head into the desk she was currently forced to sit at, next to Zita.
"So how about we start the minutes of the meeting by talking about the most important issue in our school lives?" Zita inquired as she rose up, holding up her tablet and tapping into it as the projector in the room turned on and began to display the presentation she wanted to talk about. "Yes, ladies. Today…we'll be addressing the issue of how to be a good girl without breaking a nail."
"...this is my first meeting. My first meeting and they've already jumped into "Oh I broke a nail"." Gaz muttered under her breath. "...I expect to lose a lot of hair today…" She moaned as she gripped her skull, shaking it back and forth.
"We've got Spirit Week coming up in a few weeks. Go Cougars!"
"Go Cougars!" All the girls loudly proclaimed as Gaz grunted.
"...go cougars."
"Then, after that, we can work on designing cupcakes for the bake sale…"
"...well, I do like sugary food…" Gaz began to pick up a bit. There it was. Hope! Maybe this social club trip wouldn't be such a colossal waste of time after all.
"Oh, no no no. We're not gonna be eating any of them." Zita insisted with a sickly-sweet smile to Gaz.
"But I missed breakfast!" Sara reasoned, looking rather pouty, as several of the girl's bellies grumbled loudly in clear agreement.
"We ALL miss breakfast, Sara." Zita said coldly as Sara moaned and slid down into her own seat as Gaz shook her head vigorously back and forth.
So, poor Gaz was forced on an assembly line, having to put the cute little stars onto every cupcake that went by her. She cringed as she popped them on. POP-POP-POP! One after another, each one put on top of the cupcake's multicolored frosting as she cringed, while really irritating music began to play.
"Dear Future Husband, here's a few things you need to know if you wanna be my one and only aaaaall my liiiiife!"
"Meghan Tumblr." Gaz grunted darkly. "I'm gonna kill someone. I swear to everything dark and foul I'm gonna kill someone."
The first night was not a good experience. And Gaz shook her head vigorously as Professor Membrane came to pick her up at 8. "So! Had a good time?"
"Dad, they're all a bunch of weirdos! Freaks!" Gaz insisted. "I spent forty five minutes making cupcakes!"
"Baking is fun! It's just science, my dear. Only you work with more "organic" ingredients." Professor Membrane said as all the girls sweetly smiled at him and waved…exactly in the same way. At the same time.
…with exactly the same…smiles.
But even this didn't seem to set off alarm bells as he ruffled his daughter's hair. "I already signed a VERY comprehensive membership contract with the club on your behalf, Gaz. Give it some time. You just need to get out of your comfort zone and experiment a little." He insisted to her.
"Dad, I can't. They're all REALLY hetero." Gaz mumbled as she shook her head.
The sad thing was that Gaz had been hoping that at the very least TAK would be fun. Tak was interesting. Even if she was an Irken alien pretending to be a British exchange student. She, in her human disguise, had purple hair and dark eyeshadow and wore dark clothing much like Gaz did, only Gaz had a lighter shade of purple hair, and her hair was done up like a "mouth" engulfing her head. She'd joined up with this social club not because her dad insisted but because she'd remembered Tak said she was joining.
"It'd be good for a laugh". But…she hadn't said a word to Gaz since she went to the club. Not one word…
The next day wasn't much better. Gaz grunted as she sat next to Tak, now having to work on…
UGH…
…makeup videos and ASMR.
"There. Set up the microphone." Gaz mumbled as Zita walked over, looking exceptionally pleased with her.
"Wonderful." Zita said as Gaz and Tak had to sit together at the desk, the laptop computer set up for the Youtube recording session. "Now remember, today, we're using this!" Zita held up a bottle of special perfume. "Show her how it's done, Tak?" Zita said as Tak nodded, getting out her own bottle from her pocket, turning on the microphone as she began to record the makeup video, Gaz having to sit to the side, looking mortified and disgusted.
"So this is called "Unicorn Essence". It is skin-enhancing antioxidant serum. What you do is apply just a small little droplet of this to your faaaace. It enhances and moisturizes the skin!" Tak said into the camera, applying a few droplets to her face, then beginning to rub it into her cheeks with her "fingers". "Enhance. Enhance. Enhance."
"Enhance. Enhance. Enhance." Other girls were all saying the same damn thing! All around the room! Several while right in front of the camera as close as possible, so the stupid webcam could capture every pore on screen!
"Enhance. Enhance. Enhance."
"I'm gonna open up this pack…of Icebreakers chewing gum." said Sara across the room, holding the "Cherry" flavored gum up. "And put some in my mouth." POP! She popped the top, and stuffed a couple pieces right in her mouth, chewing loudly, right into the microphone! GROMPGH-GROMPHG-GROMPGH! Ugh! Gaz wasn't sure what was worse. The constant chant of "Enhance" or that super loud chewing!?
"Dad I KNOW you signed a legally binding document but I'm telling you, seriously, they're crazy. They're also far too obsessed with making the school look fancy and doing bake sales and setting up decorations and spirit days! It's horrible! I'm losing my mind!" Gaz moaned as her dad brought her home a couple hours later, Gaz shaking her head vigorously back and forth.
"That's just school spirit, sweetie." Professor Membrane. "It's like the holy spirit. BUT MUCH. MORE. POWERFUL!" he proclaimed dramatically, actually taking his hands off the wheel, fingers clenching in midair as he had a vivid flashback back to his own high school days.
"DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!" Matthew Membrane held up a vial of liquid nitrogen, taking a super small sip…and then PHOOOOHHHFFF. He blew smoke right on out of his nose as he held it in his mouth. THAA-THWOOOMMMHFFFF! People cheered and hollered as Matthew Membrane grinned, spitting the liquid nitrogen out onto the floor, holding his fists up high.
"Glorious times…glorious times, if you let it, Gaz." He insisted as she slammed her head into the glove compartment, moaning deeply.
The days went on and try as Gaz might…she just couldn't get into it. And she kept trying to get Tak to talk to her. But Tak wouldn't really say anything besides glancing faintly nervously at her every once in a while.
And there was a reason why. Because two weeks in…Tak was called to the social club as the ladies all sat around.
"...Gaz tried to get you to talk about the social club in school this time." Zita announced.
"Yes. She did." Tak said in her British-accented voice as she hung her head.
"Is she going to be a problem?" Zita inquired. "
"...I…believe so. Yes."
"That's too bad. She ought to be happy for you…isn't that right, Tessirak?"
"...yes."
"I suppose that it's time we teach her HOW to be happy, then. Does it please and sparkle?"
"SUNSHINE!"
"Oh, and of course…Go Cougars."
"GOOOO COUGAAAARS!"
…
…
…
…It totally sucked, Gaz thought. The social club sucked. The school sucked. Everyone sucks at the earliest opportunity. Especially when you join a club. Torque Smacky. He was high throughout most of the year. NOW he's gone all…preppy. He actually combed his goddamn hair! HE COMBED. HIS HAIR!
And Dib! Her brother Dib HAD been relentlessly chasing after Zim, yet another Irken alien, but now, ever since he joined that stinking boy's social club dad had put him into the same way he did to Gaz, now he was interested in getting a B.B.A! He was actually looking into colleges already?! And SKOODGE! Heaven above, Skoodge had-
Wait. Skoodge was staring with horror at Gaz. The fat, tubby disguised alien wore a fake disguise like Tak, only he had orange, messy hair and a big sweater for his human disguise. No…no it wasn't HIM he was looking at. There was somebody behind her. She slowly turned around, seeing Tak there.
"...Gaz. Run." Skoodge whispered as he began to slowly reel back, taking steps into the room immediately behind him, and closing the door as he did so.
"What the HELL is going on?!" Gaz demanded as Tak stared blanky at her face. "You don't talk to me anymore. You don't really talk to anybody in school unless the teacher calls on you. What's wrong with you?!" Gaz demanded. "You used to be cool!"
"...we've decided we've gone about this wrong. We want to get you into the spirit of the club the RIGHT way." Tak insisted. "You've been objecting to it because you're not healthy, Gaz. But we're going to help you."
"...what're you talking about…?" Gaz asked, unaware that Sara and Zita were sneaking up behind her…with a chloroform-filled gag.
Until it was too late! Gaz felt the gag wrap around her mouth! She gasped, struggling to get it off, only to flop uselessly down, down onto the ground, moaning, dissolving into unconsciousness…
Gazlene Membrane awoke, finding herself hooked up to some kind of strange, odd headgear, taped into a chair with duct tape! It felt like a big coriander was stuffed onto her head, and prongs were keeping her eyelids held open, making her unable to look away or blink at all! She was forced to watch the screen as she futilely tried to look about. "Wh-What's going on?!" She whispered fearfully.
"We've been going about this all wrong, like we said." Zita said as she stood to the side, holding up a video remote, and pressing it. CLICK. Cutesy images of kitty cats, baby pandas sneezing, "baby olympics" and dogs booping other dogs on the nose began to flash on the screen, one after the other. "We're gonna need to do the EXPRESS route for you to make things really sink in."
"I'll have all of you taken to freakin' COURT for this!" Gaz snarled furiously. "I'll make you eat your faces! With BARBEQUE SAUCE! That'll be my compensatory damages!"
"You can't sue, Gaz. The fine print says that we're legally allowed to take whatever means necessary to ensure our members are properly acclimated to the club. Since you're being so unwilling, well…we'll just have to use force." Zita commented with a shrug as the images kept flashing…and then…
The music. The music began to play.
"I'm a Barbie Girl! In a Barbie Woooorld! Life in plastic! It's fantastic! You can brush my hair-"
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Gaz screeched as she flailed around uselessly in the chair she was stuck in, sweat beads breaking out all over her head, a cold, horrible clamminess rising up the back of her spine. "Let me out, let me out! Let me out right now and I'll ONLY beat you to a pulp. I may even send flowers to you in the hospital!"
Zita stepped to the side so Gaz could fully watch the screen. Not that there was really anything else to see, because it was either the images playing out, now of dancing gerbils…or the music. Which was getting louder…and clearly put on a loop along with other super irritating songs…
"Cuz we are living in! A material world! And I am a material girl!"
"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaay!"
"Let's Marvin Gaye and get it ooooon! You got that healing that I waaaaant!"
Gaz was beginning to lose her mind. "AAAAAAAAH!" Gaz shrieked out as the minutes ticked on. The other girls glanced about, looking at each other, Gaz's skin becoming paler and paler. Her pupils were dilating wider and wider, her skin getting clammier and sweatier…as Tak began to deposit eyedrops into her eyes.
"Can't have your eyes getting all dried out, can we?" Tak remarked nonchalantly.
"No! No no no! Stop it! Stop it, please, I beg you! This is sick! This is sick! This is insane!" Gaz howled. "Please! Stoooooop!" She begged. "Turn it off! Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!"
"Earplugs?" Zita remarked to the other girls as she held up a big box of earplugs with the school's Cougar mascot on it.
"Go Cougars." The girls all said in agreement, nodding as they popped the earplugs in, Gaz's shrieking and howling ringing through the air as Tak nonchalantly slipped on a big pair of earmuffs so SHE didn't have to listen. She didn't actually have ears, though. But she had folded her antenna she did have under her holographic disguise down so she didn't have to listen…
"AAAH! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"
…
…
…
…it looked like the treatment had worked out splendidly. An entire weekend's worth of the proper treatment and Gaz was now in the proper school spirit. The entire club smiled in delight as they looked at the new, improved Gaz. She'd done up her hair, slicked it back, had a big, fat foam finger on one hand, makeup on her face, a red skirt, school t-shirt, a bow in her hair, even put on high heels! The whole shebang.
"Wow. Almost exponentially you have improved in every way." Zita said as Gaz smiled sweetly at her in the main office that Zita was currently using. "Come tomorrow at school, the school's gonna LOVE the new you." She said as she looked around at Sara and Tak. "Don't you agree?"
"Should we tell the other club members?" Sara asked.
"Oh, yes. We'll get them to meet up at the usual time tomorrow. But first thing's first. Our school fight song. I want you to sing it."
"Of course." Gaz said in a noticeably FAR nicer-sounding voice as she cleared her throat. "Ohhhh, hail, hail to thee, to our lovely alma mater! To thee our love and praise shall ever be and no other shall we flaaaatter! It'll never get any better than this, so we raise our eyes to the skyyyyy, and pledge our lives to the red and white cuz I'm a Cougar till I diiiiie! Go Cougars!"
"Go Cougars!" All the other girls said at once.
"It pleases and sparkles indeed." Zita proclaimed. "Wonderful work. Wonderful indeed."
Dib, when he noticed his sister had come back, was…weirded out. A lot. The black-haired, glasses-wearing, scythe-haired young lad frowned as he sat across from Gaz on the bus the next morning. She was…humming the school spirit song. It was damn creepy. WAY creepy.
"Gaz, are you…feeling yourself?" He quietly inquired.
"I feel great." Gaz said. "See, I've been sick for a long time, Dib. But I've been cured at last. Really cured, alright."
"...right, uh…if you say so…" Dib nervously murmured, looking her up and down. All of this felt…really messed up. Something about this wasn't right at all. It almost looked like her eyes were constantly out of focus. She even SMELLED differently. Too…too sweet. SICKLY sweet. "Did…did you put on PERFUME?"
"Unicorn Essence."
"Oh GOD ALMIGHTY." Dib cringed, shaking his head. "They got to you. The social club got to you." He moaned. "Oh Jesus, what did they do to my sister?!"
"They got her too, huh?" Skoodge inquired as he poked his head over the seat he was in, looking at Dib.
"You know about this?"
"Yeah, happened to Tak, too." Skoodge said. "We really dodged a bullet going to OUR social club…" He remarked. "They don't use…the Chair." He added with a shudder.
"UGHHHH…the chair…" Dib shuddered. He'd heard about the chair.
Dib knew all about that. He'd been TOLD about it by the head of THEIR social club. By…Zim. Yes. ZIM had been put in charge…and as the one put in charge of the social clubs at school, he'd been the first one INTO the chair. The good news was that he was the only one needed. Cuz they had the other boys watch what was done to him.
Dib had to put up an act the same way the other boys did. Day in. Day out. All school spirit and being a "good boy" all the time. Because who knew who was watching? And eventually it stops feeling like an act. It starts feeling…
Normal…
And Dib realized maybe…maybe he's not the only one.
Had all the others in the school been made this way by force? Were they all faking, but afraid to object? Were any willing? But…it didn't matter. This was them, now. They had a duty to uphold. They knew who they were.
They were cured, alright. Gaz included.
…
…
…
… "So…we gather here to celebrate the initiation of Gazlene Membrane into our ranks." Zita said as she held up a glass full of apple juice as all of the girl's social club stood around, holding their own glasses up. It was getting late into the night, they had to wrap it up. They'd set up all the party decorations for tomorrow night's Spirit Week finale, streamers, banners, and of course, balloons. LOTS of balloons. Gaz was standing in the middle of the group, a dumb smile on her face as she nonchalantly sipped her drink. SCHLURRRRPPP.
"Indeed! Does it please and sparkle?" Sara inquired as all the ladies held up their glasses higher still.
"Fooooor she's a jolly good fellow! For she's a jolly good fellow!" Tak began to sing out as all the ladies joined in on the third line.
"For she's a jolly good feeeelloooooowwwww!"
They all turned to Gaz, who held up her own glass…
And then shattered it in her hand, as they gasped in shock, and she quickly knelt down, drawing an odd-looking, strange, bloody circle with a weird symbol in the middle.
"Which NOBODY. Can. Deny." Gaz said evilly as she stepped back from the circle, which glowed with a foul, unnatural black light as…SOMETHING began to emerge. A big, enormous cougar mascot suit, decrepit, rotting, one ear missing, one eyeball flopped out of its socket, half a cheek gone, ratty, tatty fur as it dragged itself up from the circle and hissed darkly at the assembled social club.
"...what in the FUCK?!" Zita squeaked out.
"Oh yes. I was CURED alright…" Gaz said darkly as she nonchalantly stepped back again…
And the demonic Cougar mascot leapt at Zita!
"EEEEEK-" Zita's cries of alarm began to be SWIFTLY cut off, the monster used her as a CLUB, smacking and bashing her into the other girls left and right, knocking them all about again and again and again! THWACK-THWACK-THWACK-THWACK! "OH DEAR GOD AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Gaz hadn't been quite as...suckered in. It had looked bad for her, yes. She'd almost fallen completely under the horrific brainwashing of "The Chair" as it were, but as she mentally flailed around, struggling desperately to hold onto any sort of handhold she could, struggling for some kind of rock to grab on before she fell below the waves and drowned...
That...was when she went into her own Black Bug Room.
EVERYONE has their own Black Bug Room. And Gaz's was especially black indeed. No light could penetrate this place. Nothing but a thousand of her own eyes gazing back at her, and the faint crawling sensation of thousands of SOMETHINGS crawling over her. And all of the voices...so many voices. All speaking at once, different, and yet the same.
All of them told her one thing. The same, exact bit of advice.
"Fake it."
And fake it she had. She'd totally faked being sucked on in. It was difficult keeping up the act. Especially because her every instinct told her to feed them their own teeth. But she'd figured out a way to get back at the social club by doing a bit of quick checking into her handy-dandy book on satanic summoning circles, and that irritating bubbly glurge in the back of her head had been forcibly beaten down, every last trace of the brainwashing fading as she finally crushed it out, the same way she'd crushed that glass in her hand.
And now Gaz, smiling, nonchalantly began to undo the bow in her hair, as she got out her smartphone, plugging in her ear buds, and putting on some nice, classic Beethoven. Ninth Symphony, Fourth Movement. She skipped merrily out the back door, the fine sounds of classical music wafting through her ears. It was as if the whole world was in slow motion, Sara was soaring through the air, embedding in the wall. Zita was being used to beat Tak into the floor, into a crater! Shrieks and screams rang left and right, girls flopped over the bleachers, some even now having crashed up into the ceiling, thrown by sheer force thanks to the psychotic cougar mascot.
"Ahhhh. Now THAT'S…the stuff." Gaz said as she sighed, clasping her hands together, and resting her head on them as she turned back briefly to gaze upon the delightful scene of carnage.
Especially because now was the time when the cougar's chest tentacles began to come out…