AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was a secret santa gift for Weavillain, one of my closest and dearest friends in the fandom. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, my man!
The Puga Desert was a cruel, unforgiving environment. It was scorching hot, dry as bone, crawling with deadly critters, and most of all, huge. You could trek twenty miles across that desert without seeing another human being, assuming you didn't die from dehydration or heat stroke first. This, of course, made it the perfect place to kill someone - and poor Froggy 2 was about to find that out the hard way.
A trio of sadistic outlaws had clonked him on the head, tied him up, and carried him deep into the desert, after catching the mischievous frog cheating at cards. They eventually arrived at a train track in the middle of a desert, and decided to punish him the worst way they knew how - tying him up, laying him across the track and waiting for an oncoming train to turn him into a bloody smear. Froggy 2 could barely even bring himself to cry, as the burning sun had dried him out. In a desperate effort to save himself, he screamed, as loud as his weary, dust-filled lungs would allow. Alas, there was nobody around for miles, aside from the outlaws, and there was no way anyone could hear him.
Unless, of course, they had super duper hearing - and luckily, there was one person just outside the desert who did. Someone who cared about Froggy 2 an awful lot.
That someone was the amazing heroine Karate Chang, who was having a lovely tea party with her favorite sidekick, Mr. Grande.
(Sidekick?! I thought we agreed that I would be your partner!)
(They're the same thing.)
(They're not the same thing! Partners are equal! Sidekicks are lower!)
(Okay, okay. If it means that much to you, I'll say partner.)
(Thank you.)
That someone was the amazing heroine Karate Chang, who was having a lovely tea party with her favorite partner, Mr. Grande.
(Wait, doesn't "favorite partner" imply that you have other partners?)
(Will you stop being so nitpicky?! At this rate we'll never rescue Froggy 2!)
She gasped and almost dropped her teacup - "almost" being the operative word here, since she would never drop a piece from her favorite tea set and risk breaking it.
"Froggy 2's in trouble!" she cried, standing up from the table.
"Then we have to do something!" declared Mr. Grande. "We don't even have time to finish our tea, which I like very much. It definitely doesn't taste like 'dirty leaf juice'."
(It does, though. I'm sorry, but that's what tea tastes like to me.)
(Then maybe your taste buds just aren't as refined as mine.)
(Didn't you have chocolate and gingerbread cookies for breakfast this morning?}
And so, Karate Chang laced up her speed-boosting rocket shoes and took off towards the desert. Mr. Grande, however, didn't need any special shoes, since he could run faster than Chang anyway.
(You're never gonna stop gloating about beating me in that race to the train station, are you?)
(Not until you admit that I'm faster than you.)
(You're NOT faster than me! You just have longer legs!)
Before long, they found their beloved frog tied to the track. As soon as he saw his beloved owners arrive, the teary-eyed frog croaked with happiness and licked each of them on the cheek. His moment of relief wouldn't last long, however, because right then, their ears picked up the telltale rumbling and whistling of an oncoming train. While Karate Chang started untying the knots, Mr. Grande tried to think of the way to stop the train. He had to act drastically if he wanted to save Froggy 2, but he didn't want to do anything to hurt the train. Trains are cool, after all.
And then, inspiration struck. As his name would imply, he had the power to grow on command, and he could use that power to get the conductor's attention. He straddled the train tracks, swelled in size until he was ten feet tall, and used his enlarged vocal cords to yell, "THERE'S A FROG ON THE TRACK!" loud enough for the conductor to hear him.
The conductor was mortified at the thought of running over a frog, so he leaped into action. With the crank of a lever, he made the train do an epic wheelie, just high enough to send the train sailing in an arc over the top of Mr. Grande's head.
(Trains can't do wheelies, Carl.)
(Yuh-huh! Your dad said that he did one on his first day as a conductor!)
(Do you really believe everything my dad tells you?)
(...yes.)
After the train completed the wheelie (somehow) and continued on its merry way, he shrunk himself back to normal size. By that point, much to his delight, Karate Chang had already finished untying Froggy 2 from the tracks. The two celebrated with a high-five and a group hug.
The hug didn't last long, however. By rescuing Froggy 2, the heroes had attracted the attention of the three outlaws, who were none too pleased to see their would-be victim get away.
"Disgraceful!" said the first one - an enormous, heavyset man with a bushy beard and a wiry mustache.
"Disgusting!" said the second one - a short, stocky man wearing a helmet that obscured his eyes.
"Despicable!" said the third one - a svelte woman with an eyepatch, brandishing a whip.
(Oh, right, just like those three bandits you met! Did you ever get their names?)
(Nah, but that's okay. We can make 'em up.)
"Who are you, and why did you try to kill my frog?!" demanded Chang.
"I'm glad you asked," said the first outlaw, as he and his two comrades struck theatric poses.
"My name is Mercury, because I'm as hot as the sun!" said the first one, belching out a mouthful of fire.
"My name is Nitro, because I'm fast!" said the second one. To demonstrate, he started running in a circle at blistering speed, fast enough to kick up a cyclone of dust.
"And I'm Melina, because it's a pretty name and I like it!" said the third one.
(Really? That's the best you could come up with? Why not something cool?)
(Oh, hush. Melina is plenty cool. Besides, what kind of parents would name their kid Nitro?)
(Uh, they're outlaws. Of course they have bad parents.)
(Okay, good point.)
"Now listen here, you two little snots," said Mercury. "Your frog cheated at cards and he deserves to pay the price for it!"
"HE didn't cheat!" cried Karate Chang. "He just didn't understand the rules!"
"Oh, sure, that's what they all say," scoffed Melina.
"You can't talk your way out of this, you know," said Nitro. "We're going to punish that frog one way or another."
"You're gonna have to go through us first!" said Mr. Grande. He and his partner assumed fighting stances and got ready for combat.
Mercury was the first one to make a move. He stomped the ground, took a deep breath, and unleashed a geyser of flames on the ground below him. The heat of the fire cooked the desert sand until it began to turn into glass. Carl Grande and Karate Chang looked at each other in confusion, wondering what he was trying to accomplish.
They'd get their answer soon enough, though. Once the glass was formed, he shattered the glass with a single punch, grabbed the shards, and threw them at the two heroes. Rather than trying to dodge, Mr. Grande opened his mouth wide and chomped down on the incoming shards.
"You have Doritos?! Nice!"
(Carrrrlllll! They're not Doritos, they're shards of glass!)
(Sorry, sorry. I just saw you bring them out and I got excited.)
(Okay, but in this game, they're shards of glass.)
(Right, gotcha.)
Mr. Grande recoiled in pain as the shards of glass lacerated his mouth and esophagus. He dropped to his knees, trying to cough up the shards he accidentally swallowed.
"Grande, Grande, Grande," Chang muttered with a shake of her head. "Just stay here while I handle the big guy."
The "big guy" in question was enjoying a laugh at Grande's expense, shooting embers out of his mouth as he cackled. Karate Chang, thoroughly unfettered, leaned forward, cupped the bottom of her chin and blew him a kiss. A glowing, silvery snowflake shot out of her lips and whizzed around the three outlaws before striking Mercury directly on the mouth, freezing it shut. His mood shifted from confidence to confusion to panic as he desperately tried to pry the ice off. It wasn't long before he began to feel shortness of breath, as nobody had taught him how to breathe through his nose.
Meanwhile, Froggy 2 was in the process of nursing Mr. Grande back to health. One of his greatest assets - and a major reason why he was always getting kidnapped - was the fact that his froggy kisses could heal any wounds. He'd have to act quickly, however, as the other two outlaws were gearing up to attack.
"Let's blitz them!" shouted Nitro. He rushed towards Karate Chang at a dizzying speed and let loose a flurry of punches, too fast to be seen by the naked eye. An ordinary fighter would have no hope of dodging such an attack... but Karate Chang was no ordinary fighter. Not only was she a martial arts genius, but she had learned a powerful secret technique from her sensei - a magical talking cat with an unpredictable temper and an appetite for pudding. The technique allowed her body to dodge punches automatically, no matter how fast they were.
(So you're just invincible, then?)
(Well, no. I can only do the technique for a few seconds at a time.)
(Hmm... okay, but I'll hold you to that.)
While Nitro was wondering why he couldn't land a single blow, Melina advanced on Mr. Grande and Froggy 2. The frog's kisses still needed a bit of time to take effect, so Mr. Grande still wasn't at 100 percent - a fact which Melina intended to take full advantage of. She cracked her whip against Mr. Grande's skin, making him yelp in pain. Then she did it again, and took great pleasure in the sight of him writhing on the ground.
"Pitiful," she said. "If only you were strong and cool like your partner over there."
(Hey!)
(What? She's the bad guy. She's allowed to say mean things.)
But as she wound up for a third strike, she felt something cold and slimy gripping her arm. A glance to her side revealed that Froggy 2 had grabbed her wrist mid-strike with his long, prehensile tongue.
"How dare you!" she cried. "Unhand me, you horrid, revolting creature!"
Melina struggled for a few seconds before yanking her arm free from the frog's grasp. Fortunately, "a few seconds" was just enough time for Mr. Grande to get back on his feet.
"I'll show you strong and cool!" he hollered as he charged forward and floored Melina with a shoulder block. Then, while he had her pinned down, he reached into his backpack and pulled out his favorite weapon - a comically oversized hammer - which he then used to pound the outlaw in the face, over and over again.
"GRANDE HAMMER!" he shouted. "GRANDE HAMMER! GRANDE HAMMER! GRANDE HAMMER!"
(Why do you keep saying that?)
(Calling your attacks makes them hit harder, Adelaide. Duh.)
"GRANDE HAMMER! GRANDE HAMMER!"
But the hammer wasn't the only fearsome weapon in his arsenal. After several blows, he tucked the hammer away and swapped it for his second favorite weapon...
"RUBBER BAND OF DOOM!"
(...you're weird.)
(Come on! Haven't you ever snapped a rubber band against your skin? It hurts!)
(Not as much as getting hit by a hammer.)
(Right, which is why I use both.)
Mr. Grande snapped his Rubber Band of Doom against Melina - which, as you could imagine, hurt like the Devil. While she was still reeling, he looked up to check on his partner. To his surprise, Nitro still could not land a punch on Karate Chang...
(Oh, no, no, no, I'm calling shenanigans. That was way more than "a few seconds".)
(Math isn't my strong suit, okay?)
...until Chang let her guard down, and Nitro delivered a wallop that sent her skidding across the sand. But whatever satisfaction he felt in that moment was extinguished when he saw her get back on her feet with a kip-up, looking pretty peeved. Up until that point, she had been playing defense; now she was ready to hit back. Nitro wound up another punch, but this time she was more than ready for him. She caught the punch, and his eyes went wide with fear as he felt her grab his fist out of the air. Before he could pull away, she lifted him up by the arm, twirled him around and dunked him headfirst into the sand.
"That'll teach you!" she said, spitting on his buried form.
But the battle wasn't over yet. By the time Karate Chang defeated Nitro, the ice around Mercury's mouth had finally melted. He rose to his feet, veins popping out of his forehead and steam gushing out of his ears.
"All right, kids, playtime is over!" he bellowed. He leaped into the air towards the fray, and landed with a thundering boom, knocking both Karate Chang and Mr. Grande off of their feet. He then grabbed Nitro and Melina in each hand, opened his mouth wide and swallowed them whole. The two heroes were frozen in horror - unprepared for that turn of events, and even less prepared for what would happen next.
After swallowing, the already titanic man began to grow larger, casting a shadow over the desert landscape. At the same time, tentacle-like whips sprouted from his shoulder blades and jet propellers formed on the back of his ankles.
"BEHOLD!" the now twenty-foot outlaw boomed. "I have absorbed the power of my teammates! Now I can breathe fire and run super fast and I have a whip! That makes me cooler than both of you times a hundred, so nyah nyah nyah!"
(I don't think a bandit would say "nyah nyah nyah".)
(Well, unlike you, I've actually met three.)
(Did they say "nyah nyah nyah"?)
(Uh...maybe?)
He then cracked his whip, which was now twice as loud as a thunderclap.
"Chang, what do we do?!" cried a panicked Mr. Grande. "He's gonna crush us!"
But Chang just donned a confident smirk and gave him a wink. "Oh, no, he's not," she said. "Not as long as we have our super special awesome technique."
Mr. Grande gasped. "Of course! How could I forget about the super special awesome technique? With the, uh... the thing, and the... stuff..."
Chang just chuckled and rolled her eyes, having come to expect this kind of behavior from him. "It's okay, Mr. Grande. Just follow my lead."
She picked him up...
(Sheesh! How are you this strong?)
(Well, you know, I exercise, I eat right...)
(You had candy for breakfast!)
...and gave him a mighty throw that launched him several hundred feet into the air. He grit his teeth and tried to keep his bearings as the throw launched him clean through several clouds. As he began to reach the apex of his flight, he saw a bird casually fluttering by his head - and just like that, his memory came back.
"Of course! That technique!" he said to nobody in particular.
Once his ascent stopped and gravity began to take over, he folded his arms, clamped his legs together and turned himself upside down, so that his head was pointing towards the ground. He then began to fall back to earth, rapidly picking up speed and turning himself into a human missile. As soon as he reached terminal velocity, his eyes started glowing hot yellow and his nose morphed into a shining neon beak.
"RAINBOW... FALCON... DIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!"
Before Mercury could even react, Mr. Grande struck him in the chest with earth-shattering force, before sticking a perfect landing on the ground. The giant outlaw's body quivered like gelatin in an earthquake, before exploding into a flurry of blindingly bright and luminescent rainbows. Mr. Grande, Karate Chang and Froggy 2 all had to shield their eyes from the iridescent display.
Once the explosion died down, the two heroes and their pet erupted into celebration, exchanging hugs and high-fives while bouncing around the sand with glee.
"We did it! We did it!" they cheered as lingering traces of rainbow dust swirled around them.
Mid-celebration, though, a sharp pain started shooting up through Mr. Grande's leg, causing him to stagger.
"Oof!" he grunted. "Maybe I didn't stick that landing as well as I thought."
"That's okay. Another kiss from Froggy 2 should fix you right up."
Mr. Grande rolled his eyes, somewhat less than thrilled at the prospect of getting yet another frog kiss, but decided to just let it happen. He soon felt two lips pressing up against his cheek - two lips that, to his surprise, felt a lot less slimy than he anticipated. In fact, they didn't feel like frog lips at all.
He turned his head to see a grinning Karate Chang batting her eyes at him.
"Gotcha good, didn't I?"
(Seriously, Adelaide?! You can't just... I mean, without even... I wasn't...)
(Aww, someone's blushing!)
(Shut up! No, I'm not!)
(You sure are. Go look in a mirror and see for yourself.)
(Mrs. Chaaaaaang! Adelaide's picking on me!)