Limerence (noun): psychology: a state of mind resulting from romantic attraction, characterized by feelings of euphoria, the desire to have one's feelings reciprocated, etc. (Collins English Dictionary)
OR
"Limerence is the state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts." - Cate Mackenzie
Limerence
By: Hell Jashin
Episode 1
Sasuke wished people thought twice before entering his life. If they were just going to walk out on him, then why bother barging their way into the center of his world anyway?
Roots should not settle and grow into thick, tangly veins if they were going to be yanked brutally from the ground and tossed away as waste. It was sickening. Cruel. An absolute inhumane travesty.
He was on the brink of regurgitation at the sight before him when he came home that afternoon. He wasn't sure if it was what he laid his eyes on or the echoes of his own hysterical crying and screaming, or maybe it was both, but by the time the cops showed up, he was an absolute wreck.
"It's the mother of that boy. There was blood everywhere."
"I heard they were having family problems."
"An unwed woman that young raising a five-year-old? It must have gotten to her."
"Who's the father?"
"It was obviously a suicide."
"Poor kid. Coming home to something like that."
A thick coat of blood soaked through the white sheet, which covered the corpse from head to toe, leaving only a jostling stiff arm peeking out from under.
Sasuke was inconsolable.
Hands bathed in the blood of his own mother, Sasuke fell to his knees in front of the officer who was first on the scene.
"I know it hurts now, but the pain will dull with time," he said, picking Sasuke up into his arms. He was a burly guy with neck-length brown hair and long bangs. The man alternated between patting and rubbing Sasuke's back. "My name is Fugaku Uchiha. I have a boy a little bit older than you at home. For now, I'm going to bring you home with me, okay?"
Sasuke kicked and screamed. "No! My kaa-san! Kaa-san!" he screeched, nearly taking out Fugaku's left eye.
The next fifteen minutes proceeded as such, while the house was invaded by strangers in suits and bomber jackets. Eventually, Sasuke had tired himself out. His cheeks were red and tear-stained, eyes puffy as clouds, and his coherent words turned into murmurs.
In the background, the thunder roared like an angry monsoon threatening to swallow everything whole, and the heavy pitter patter of the rain echoed continuously throughout the night.
He would later wake up to find out he was in an unfamiliar environment and staring into the only gaze of a boy a few years older and taller than him. The boy was on his knees on the floor, elbows propped atop the bed Sasuke laid in.
Sasuke flinched back in surprise, hands drawing the blanket over his head to hide his entire body. "Kaa-san," he muttered miserably into the sheets, his voice croaking from overuse.
"Otou-san says that your kaa-san is in a happier place now."
It must have been the boy speaking because there was no one else in the room. Sasuke shut his eyes tightly, and his body curled into a fetal position, knees drawn tightly to his chest.
"Why did she leave me alone? Why did she not want me?" Sobs echoed from underneath the blanket.
"You're too cute to be left alone."
"I am not cute!" Sasuke huffed between sobs, popping out from under the sheets as he sat up abruptly. His unruly spikes stuck up in a dozen different directions. "Cute is what you call babies."
A sliver of amusement crept into the other boy's gaze. "You are the cutest person I've ever seen. And these are the chubbiest cheeks I've ever seen."
Sasuke found his cheeks pinched gently between the older boy's fingers and he frowned, shaking his head vehemently to dislodge the foreign touch. He may have felt the slight jiggle of his cheeks during the motion, and his cheeks puffed out in annoyance.
"You can live here with me, so you won't be alone. Otou-san says he is going to make that happen."
"But... what about my house? What about kaa-san?"
"Do you really want to go back there?"
Flashes of red swam before his eyes. A chill, as cold as the corpse he found, crept up his spine and made him whimper. Tears puddled up in his eyes as they grew bigger and bigger until his lower lip trembled uncontrollably.
"N-No."
"Then, you can live here with me. This is my room."
"Who are you?" Sasuke whispered, tears spilling over his face, doe-like eyes tracking the other boy who finally stood up from his crouched position. Sasuke found himself pulled into a frontal hug, his small body lifted up completely into the other boy's embrace.
He was stunned, but it quickly disappeared in favor of the warmth he felt radiate through his body. He almost found himself curling into it.
"I'm Itachi Uchiha," the boy said, releasing Sasuke onto his two feet.
"Tachi?" Sasuke echoed with a tilted head.
A brief look of surprise flashed on the older boy's face before it mellowed out into a shadow of a smile. "You can call me Tachi," he responded.
"Tachi."
"Yes?"
"How old are you?"
"I'm ten."
"Oh."
Silence.
"Tachi?"
"Yes?"
"Are you going to be my new mom?"
Itachi huffed a laugh, and Sasuke almost pouted, feeling stupid. "No, but I can be your life partner. But only if you want to."
"What's a life partner?"
Itachi was much taller than Sasuke, and he had to crane his neck up to see him.
"It's someone who stays by your side forever, so you won't ever have to be alone again."
"I won't ever have to be alone again?"
"That's right."
"Like a friend?" Sasuke asked.
"No. It's more than a friend. A life partner is someone who stays by your side no matter what."
"So you won't leave me like kaa-san?"
"Never."
"But why would you want to be with me?"
"Because you're too cute to leave alone."
Sasuke's brows furrowed in denial, but he stuck out his pinky anyway. "Okay," he whispered. "Promise?"
More amusement swam in Itachi's eyes as he allowed himself to hook pinkies with Sasuke. "It's a promise."
When their connection severed, Sasuke felt slightly better than he did when he had woken up.
"Do you want to take a bath?"
"I'm not supposed to be in the bath by myself," he said quietly. His kaa-san always helped him bathe and always reminded him it wasn't safe to take baths by himself, yet she was the one who ended up in a tub full of her own blood. Anger filled Sasuke's little boy, but he found his lower lip quivering as a response.
"I'll take one with you," Itachi said, patting his head.
Sasuke looked up from the ground. "Is that what life partners do?"
"One of the things, yes."
"Thank you."
Sasuke was met with a real smile this time from Itachi and a surprise peck to his forehead just like his kaa-san used to do.
The funeral was held a week later, but Sasuke refused to go. Instead, he clutched onto Itachi's side, his angry glare directed at the ground before him.
"Sasuke," Itachi's pleasant voice murmured, and a gentle hand was placed atop his unruly spikes, "are you sure you don't want to go?"
"I don't want to go, Tachi," Sasuke said, anger filling his childish voice. "She left me alone. I don't like her anymore."
The older boy sighed. "You don't mean that."
"I do."
The adoption paperwork had gone through that same morning, and Sasuke was officially an Uchiha.
H.J.
For seven years, Sasuke lived peacefully with Itachi. As he grew older, he began to realize Fugaka's job always kept him away, and the boys often had to take care of each other instead.
In those seven years, Sasuke shot up like a weed. Of course, he was nowhere near as tall as Itachi who was nearing the age of 18 at six-foot-one. So it didn't really matter if he grew, because he was still craning his neck up to look at the man. The boy pouted at that.
His chubby cheeks had smoothed out over the years and his jawline was growing more defined by each day, but there still laid residual fat in his cheeks that he would never get rid of. It made him appear child-like, juvenile, and it was something that Sasuke never appreciated unlike Itachi.
He was subjected to occasional cheek pinches or pats by Itachi's warm palms, and Sasuke's expression would scrunch up in a pout so adorable it made Itachi smile. And that was the only reason he still allowed it.
As the years passed by, Itachi's smile began to fade, and, if it weren't for Sasuke's childish antics, he was afraid he'd never see the man's smile again. So he resisted and whined when Itachi played with his chipmunk cheeks because it made the man happy.
Another thing Sasuke noticed as he grew older was the distance, which began to grow between Itachi and him like a cruel, silent void. Because of their five year age gap, they went to different schools, were assigned different work loads, and even the intensity of their club activities differed. Itachi was always holed up in his room, probably too busy writing essays and studying for university, that Sasuke almost felt neglected. He was positive he hadn't caught a glimpse of Itachi for two days now, and, even if he did, they didn't even exchange more than a few pleasantries with each other as if Itachi was too busy.
Sure, he, too, had his own things to do, but why was it that he was the only one who craved human affection?
"Saaasuke!"
A hand waving before his face made him scowl, and he was tempted to swat it away. "What?" he grumbled, lifting his head off his desk.
"It's lunch time!" Naruto shrieked excitedly.
The Uchiha could literally see a ball of energy manifest around the blonde.
"Shut up, dipshit." A deeper voice chimed him, and a palm came down to smack Naruto's head from behind.
"Ow! Fuck, Neji! Stop doing that!"
Neji snickered, gaze rolling over to Sasuke. "You up for cafeteria food, Sasuke?"
"It's karaage today!"
"C'mon, sleeping beauty. Let's get some food in you," Neji said, dragging Sasuke out of his chair.
"Why do you treat him so nicely when you're an absolute dick to me?" Naruto whined in the background, but he was ignored.
They exited the hallway in time for their path to be blocked by a pink-haired girl from next door. "U-um, Sasuke-kun!" she hurriedly called to me, her high-pitched voice making Sasuke wince. "Can I have a minute of your t-time?"
The trio exchanged looks. Naruto wagged his eyebrows suggestively while Sasuke's blank expression made the girl trip over her words. Neji, surprisingly, didn't utter a smart alec comment.
Sasuke's nonchalance was only broken with a scowl when Naruto nudged him forward. "We'll save you a seat!" the blonde chirped, dragging Neji with him as he stomped down the hall.
Thirteen and hormonal, Sasuke stood his ground with nothing but an irk mark on his temple. The girl was sneaking glances at him, but kept her head trained downward on her fiddling fingers.
"I LIKE YOU!" she blurted, nearly scaring the shit out of Sasuke.
He even took a step back to avoid the bubble of zeal, the scowl never leaving his face. "Why do you like me? You don't even know me."
God, could this day get any worse? First, he realized Itachi no longer gave him attention. And now, this random girl liked him when she didn't have a single clue about who he was? Pfft, what a load of bull.
"I-"
Sasuke held up his palm, stopping her. "Forget it. I can't accept your confession. Sorry."
And he walked away.
He received confessions like that at least once a week, and, each time, it was someone who had absolutely no idea who he was. It wasn't like Sasuke was looking for his soul mate or anything, but how could these people utter the word 'like' so easily? If liking someone was as easy as seeing them from afar, stranger and all, then what exactly became of that word, of that meaning?
It's not like any of that mattered in the first place, since people who "like" each other tended to break up within a month's time or less anyway. That was the kind of dedication couples had toward one another: leaving each other at a moment's notice for the silliest reasons. How utterly laughable.
The rest of the school day was a slow burn. Naruto pestered him relentlessly at lunch when he returned, waggling his eyebrows incessantly and making lewd gestures with his hands. Sasuke ignored him, of course, because what business of it was his to inquire in the first place?
He preferred Neji's silence when it came to matters like this. In fact, he appreciated it. The blonde launched a thousand questions before Neji got fed up and kicked him in the shin under the table, which redirected his attention and gave Sasuke some peace and quiet.
They ended up walking home together that Friday. Since their houses were relatively within the same neighborhood, it was common for them to walk to school and home together. Neji's arm was hooked around Sasuke's shoulders as they walked leisurely behind a bubbly Naruto, who stopped ahead to peer oddly at the sky.
"Did the forecast say it was going to rain?" he inquired, glancing back at the two boys.
Neji was lulled to a stop when Sasuke stopped abruptly. The brunette raised an inquiring eyebrow, aware of the change in Sasuke's aura. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Sasuke muttered as he continued to walk, but this time his pace increased to a near speed walk. "I'm heading home. See you guys." He didn't even bother tossing back a wave as he zipped past both boys, making a beeline for his house around the block.
It was almost four o'clock when Sasuke slammed the door shut behind him at home, his chest heaving in a fit of panic as his backpack fell to the floor with a thud. The first sound of raindrops began to beat against the roof.
"Tachi…" Sasuke muttered, his feet carrying him further into the house. The sound grew alarmingly louder.
Pitter, patter. Pitter, patter. Pitter, patter.
"Tachi… Tachi… Tachi," Sasuke uttered, but his voice was trembling, too low for anyone in the house to hear him. His legs felt weak, like jelly, and he felt the quiver in his voice.
BOOM.
Sasuke shrieked and, immediately, his body shrunk to the ground in a crouch, as he buried his face into his knees and covered his ears.
"Tachi!" he screamed, eyes shut tightly. The terror in his voice was enough to awaken the dead.
Where was he? Where was he? Where was he?
The glaring reality that Itachi never came home before five in the early evening struck Sasuke, and tears began to trickle down his cheeks. A muffled sob escaped his lips before another flash of lightning gleamed in from the windows, and Sasuke moved to the nearest corner to huddle for shelter. He needed to escape the stench of blood.
Even though the house was oddly dark during this hour, no doubt a result of the gray skies, specks of bright red filled his vision. The bled and bled through his retinas as if tattooed into his skull until only pools of red were visible as if he was transported into another dimension. A dimension of red.
There was too much of it. Everywhere. Scattered like blots of paint on a Pollock painting.
BOOM.
A cold sweat trickled down his body, and Sasuke bit his lip. Hard.
The taste of iron filled his lips almost immediately, and he just knew that, if he looked at himself in the mirror at this instant, he would see blood.
He dug his head further into his knees. "Tachi… Tachi… Tachi, help me. Help me."
At that moment, he realized his lips were moving, but didn't comprehend the words he chanted like a mantra, like they were his saving grace. He would later find out these were the words he uttered that late afternoon as he hid himself in the crevice between Itachi's bed and desk.
"...uke! Sasuke! SASUKE!"
The boy could feel a slight sway of his body, which he dismissed for the longest time because he attributed it to his own trembling form. But two more harsh jerks of his body and his name had his head shooting up from its hideous position.
BOOM. BOOM.
Sasuke's large, tear-stained eyes stared right at Itachi, who was gripping his shoulders tightly, and he lunged for him in a fit of despair and relief wrapped into one. The zealous action launched the both of them onto the carpet.
Instantly, he found himself in an extremely snug embrace.
"It's okay," Itachi shushed. "It's okay, Sasuke. I've got you."
Sasuke released a strangled sob while his fingers clutched relentlessly onto Itachi's shirt. The front of Itachi's shirt was soaked through. Even his hair was matted against the side of his face and every piece of clothing adorning his body was plastered firmly against it as if he had run home in the rain.
"Don't leave me!" Sasuke cried, hiding himself away. He could see the flashes of lightning through his closed eyelids, sense it, but the cool, wet clothing pressed against his face and body provided some relief for the temperature of his scalding body.
"Shh… my little angel. I would never leave you."
That was another thing Sasuke realized over the last seven years. Every day, the foreboding feeling crept along his nerves, waiting to lash out and eat him. That thought, so apparent and needy, burrowed into his brain like cancer, widespread and dangerous.
The reality was he could not live without Itachi.
There would not be a world if Itachi did not exist in it.
Itachi was Sasuke's lifeline. His protector. His warmth. His savior. His Aniki𑁋
No. He couldn't call the man that. He did once when he was young and was immediately on the receiving end of a vicious glare so cold he thought his bones would freeze. He remembered the incident so vividly even though he was still six at the time.
The glare had sent Sasuke into shut-down mode, and he had immediately looked down at the ground, large pools of tears in his eyes. It was the first time he'd seen such a disapproving look on Itachi's face, so different from his typical warm eyes and small smile, and his little brain couldn't figure out what he had done wrong.
'Never call me that, Sasuke,' were Itachi's monotonous words, so devoid of emotion it made Sasuke shiver.
The words 'why not' were on the tip of his tongue, but he bit his lip to refrain from asking. After all, Itachi had no issue with Sasuke calling Fugaku 'Otou-san', so he didn't understand why he couldn't call Itachi an affectionate 'brother.'
'You can call me anything, but that.'
Reality hit Sasuke hard then. Not once had Itachi ever called him "Otouto." Not even close. The older boy called him lots of names: Sasuke, my little angel, my love, little Sasuke, but never had he ever addressed him as "Otouto."
And that was the only time he had been on the receiving end of that glare.
He knew he shouldn't be this fixated on Itachi, who basically nurtured him and was like a second guardian to him over the years. He knew, because people never stuck around long. They made empty promises and only succeeded in disappointing him in the end. But he couldn't help himself because Itachi was his lifeline.
Sasuke would never let go of Itachi, but that didn't mean Itachi wouldn't let go of him. He was a parasite who latched onto its host for survival. It was not a codependent relationship. It wasn't hard for Itachi to toss him aside, to avoid him, like he had been for the last few days.
The impending reality was evident: one day, he would be left behind. Abandoned. Again.
A choked sob escaped his lips.
"You can't ever leave me!" he screamed, thrashing in Itachi's arms. Hysterical. He was hysterical, beyond help.
Itachi's calming voice filtered into his ears. "I would never leave you. I promised, remember? Never. Not even if you pushed me away, I will always come back to your side."
"Y-You can't disappear!" he sobbed as if he didn't hear Itachi, but he did feel the arms tighten around his smaller body. "If you die before me, I won't make it! I won't make it!"
At the time, he didn't realize how selfish his words were. The mere insinuation behind them was beyond unreasonable. It was downright mad.
"Then I will make sure I live every single day until after you die, my little Sasuke," Itachi whispered fiercely into his ear, gripping him tight. "We are life partners. I will never leave you alone."
The thrashing began to ease up, but the sobs that racked the boy's body continued for a very long time. Even when the thunder eased up and the rain fell into a gentle shower, Sasuke cowered in Itachi's arms. Eventually, he cried himself to sleep and had to be carried to bed.
In that moment, while caressing Sasuke's cheek and watching over him as the boy slept, what Itachi failed to predict was the irony of their future together. Or the lack thereof.