(Imagine a cheesy sitcom jingle right here)
There was a kid of Johto named Maurice
Who really hates everyone's guts
"Wait, where does the music come from? Whom is singing this?"
Because ninety percents of all people he meets
Are either jerks or nuts.
"Yeah, you're right about that but who are you and why are you singing about me?"
He enters the world of Pokémon so
He can become a great trainer someday
"Did you stalk me because it's getting a bit creepy and no catchy tune will change that."
Though life isn't always easy since he
Runs into idiots one the way
"You are really not helping my case."
So just a heads up about Maurice
Especially if you're a jerk or dumb
Because Maurice, Maurice Mauriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice
Hates everyone!
"I hate you now!"
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Good morning Maurice, how are you?" Crystal, Maurice's neighbor asked.
"As good as things can be I guess. I'm glad to go on my Pokémon journey." Maurice noted. You wouldn't say he was glad because his face was nearly perpetually scowling. "Aside from a weird disembodied voice singing a theme song about my life."
"Did you eat a dozen volcano burgers before bed again?" Crystal asked.
"I have no problem with volcano burgers!" Maurice growled.
"Anyhow, today I'm getting my Pokémon at Elm's lab, I'll go out in the world, become a strong trainer, build a harem of cute trainer girls, complete the Pokédex…" Crystal noted.
"What did you say?" Maurice asked.
"Complete the Pokédex?" Crystal repeated.
"No, before that!" Maurice noted.
"Building a harem of cute trainer girls?" Crystal asked.
Maurice looked at her briefly. "Ok, good luck with that."
"Thanks, Morry!"
"Don't call me that!"
While we know what the title is
But we might have been a little wrong...
"You again? Why are you doing this?" Maurice shouted at the disembodied singing voice.
"No! Not the voices again. They'll put me back on the meds. I don't want the meds. They take the thought about my future harem girls away. I don't want to lose my cute harem girl thoughts…" Crystal said as she grabbed at her head.
There are select few whom he does respect
And with whom he kind of gets along.
"Show yourself you coward!" Maurice shouted.
"You'll never take my harem girl thoughts! I'd rather die!" Crystal shouted at the voice.
But you'd better watch out still
Especially if you're a jerk or dumb
Because Maurice, Maurice Mauriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice
Hates (almost) everyone!
"Oof, it's gone again. I haven't even picked my Pokémon yet."
"It was the volcanoburgers, was it? I admit I snatched a few from your fridge and at them before bed…" Crystal said sadly.
"You did what?"
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Professor Elm, me and Crystal are picking up our starters." Maurice said as the two entered the lab.
"Ok…" Elm noted dryly, sounding tired and not looking away from his microscope, studying who knows what.
"Professor, we respect you as part of the scientific community, our sort of mentor in studying Pokémon and appreciate the fact that…" Crystal began.
"We don't respect respect you if you don't put on pants!" Maurice interrupted Crystal.
Yes, Professor Elm hadn't worn any pants and his Luvdisc boxers were on display. "I'll take notice of it." He drawled, still sounding bored and monotone and not looking away from the microscope.
"You know what, I'll just take the starter." Maurice noted as he took the Pokéball with the Totodile, while Crystal took the Cyndaquil.
"You're so cute, I'm calling you Pepper!" Crystal said as she rubbed her cheek against the Cyndaquil.
"Thank you?" The Cyndaquil, replied in a female voice.
"With this, my journey of completing the Pokedex, becoming a strong trainer and a cute trainer girl harem owner will begin!" Crystal noted.
"Did you say 'harem girl owner'?" Pepper asked confused.
"Yup!" Crystal said with a wide grin.
Pepper stared at a few moments. "If there are cute female Pokémon on these trainer girls' teams from the Field Egg Group, can I put them in a harem of my own?"
"Sure thing!" Crystal announced.
"Son of Arceus, there are two of them." Maurice noted. He sighed and he looked at the Totodile he got. "So I guess its you and me now, Morrigan." He said as he named the Totodile. The Totodile just blinked. "Er…Hello?" it just kept blinking. "Ok, what is…"
Maurice got his starter Pokemon
And the decision on Totodile was set
"Why does that keep happening?" Maurice groaned.
"I'm not going back to the clinic, you hear me!" Crystal said sounding panicked.
"What is going on?" Pepper asked.
Though the author hadn't decided
On a personality for it yet
"Author? What the hell are you even talking about?" Maurice groaned.
Crystal's eyes just twitched as she had a maniacal grin on her face.
Then there's crystal whom will make
A lesbian harem for her to enjoy
She has picked her starter, Pepper,
Whom has her very own harem ploy
"I am scared. How does this disembodied singing voice know everything about us?" Pepper asked.
"He'll not be singing for much longer…" Crystal grabbed a gun from out of nowhere.
"Now I remember why they put you on those meds." Maurice noted.
But enough about them and back to our lead
Whose journey has such begun
Because Maurice, Maurice Mauriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice
Hates -
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Crystal had shot holes in the ceiling. The maniacal grin was still on her face. "There, that does it!"
"It was a disembodied voice, I don't think…" Maurice noted.
-everyone!
Crystal cried.
"You guys want to keep it down, I'm trying to work here…" Elm said, still in his monotone and having looked up from his microscope. It's like an inattentive babysit trying not so hard to get some rowdy kids to pipe down.
"How are we going to explain this?" Maurice noted as he pointe upwards to the bullet holes in the roof.
"Oh I got a plan that is does not involve wiping my fingerprints off the gun and then passing it on to the red haired rude kid that shoved me whom is currently looking through the window spying on the lab looking for the right moment to steal a Pokémon." Crystal said with a smile.
"…that is oddly specific." Maurice noted.
"You want to go on a Pokémon journey or do you want to stay in this stuffy lab?" Crystal asked.
"Not staying here with Elm…the guy is so stuck in his own world I feel sorry for his wife. I bet she is not getting any from him."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Hello, I was called here to fix a few holes in the floor?" a female worker came in at the Elm living space, right above the lab. She was a tall Amazonian beauty with a nice firm set of buttcheeks you could use as a pillow, a nice pair of breasts that gainaxed with each step and muscular arms. Her armless shirt clung to her sweaty hardworking body like a second skin due to all the work she must be doing on a daily basis.
"Oh yes, I think it may have been gunfire or one of the trainers experimenting with the new starter Pokémon my husband gave out." Elm's wife licked her lips as she eyed the worker.
"I'll be able to fix that in a jiffy." The worker noted.
"I must say I don't have any money on me, I gave the last cash I had to my son so he could take our pet Growlithe on a long, long walk because I know that with you working here things would get very loud…" Elm's wife said as she checked out the worker's gorgeous body. "Do you accept non-monetary payment?"
"Depends…" the worker stated. Elm's wife started to unbutton her shirt. "Oh…yeah, I can work with that."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Can anyone of you pick up the Pokémon Egg at Mr. Pokémon's house and bring it to me before departing for Violet City?" Elm asked, still sounding as distracted as ever.
"Actually we-" Maurice and Crystal said at the same time.
"Thank you…" Elm said, thinking they agreed.
"None of us are going top lay errand boy or girl are we?" Crystal asked.
"Nope. I want to check out that Pokémon Egg but Elm barely pays attention to his family and the Pokémon under his care are odd…" Maurice began.
"Believe we're nothing compared to the Chikorita. Be glad neither of you picked her." Pepper noted. Morrigan just blinked.
"…so I'm not leaving an egg in his care." Maurice noted.
"You take that egg, my grandparents own a daycare so I can get an egg on my own." Crystal suggested.
"Thanks. Now I'm off for my adventure. I hope to see a lot of lovely pokemon and as few idiots or jerks as possible…" Maurice said as he ran out the lab, Crystal following shortly after.
Dust came from the ceiling as slightly muffled moans could be heard coming from above. If Elm noticed anything, he didn't acknowledge it. He took a notebook and wrote whatever boring detail from studying whatever was under that microscope in his notes.
Silver, a red haired boy whom had been spying and waiting for the best moment to steal a Pokémon and whom Crystal may or may not have slipped her empty gun to without him noticing entered. "The Pokémon and the trainer license are on the table, use the computer to register." Elm mumbled distractedly.
Silver blinked a few times. Well, that was easy. Almost a shame…
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Welcome to Cherrygrove, let me show you around…"
"Thanks old man, but I already know Cherrygrove…" Maurice said as he entered the city, only for the surprisingly fast old man to drag him all over the city to tell him things he already knows. "I know what a Pokemon center and a Mart do!"
Later on as he went down the route… "Apricorns!" the guy stormed out of the hut and grabbed Maurice. "You have to get inside and hear about Apricorns and get an Apricorn box!"
"I don't give a flying f*** about Apricorns!" Maurice moaned.
Yeah, the 'I hope I run into as few idiots as possible' didn't ring true for him. "Everybody is either stupid or crazy! Need no flippin' running shoes because I can run simply by walking faster! And I don't need a flippin' apricorn but the Apricorn balls mostly suck!" Maurice groaned as he now held the egg that he got from Mr. Pokémon and put it in his bag. "Please don't let me run into more idiots…
"You got a Pokémon at the Lab. What a waste. A wimp like you? Well, I too, have a good Pokémon. I'll show you what I mean!" A guy called Silver said and may have been the guy Crystal has passed on her empty gun.
'I should have been specific and said to not into any more idiots AND jerks…' Maurice thought to himself. "One, you don't know me at all. Second, it's not about a Pokémon, but about whom uses it. And I can safely say that it not in good hands with you." Maurice bit back.
"I am going to bring out the strength of this Pokémon. Unless its weak, then I'll just discard it like the trash it is." Silver boasted.
"Wow…" Maurice said dully. "I hate most people on principle but never before I hated someone that fast. Two minutes and I already want to punch your face in. Congrats, you are a jerk and a moron."
"How dare you! I'll wipe that smile of your face. Go, Chikorita!" Silver said as he sent out the starter he picked.
The Chikorita had a freaky look in her eyes. It started to rant: "This land we stand on becomes a battlefield. It has to become stained in the blood of my enemy so it can take root and sow the seeds of chaos which will grow into vines of violence and destruction…"
"…Morrigan, please make it quick." Maurice said, sounding disturbed. The Totodile, whom normally just stared off into the distance, suddenly had a feral look on its face and growled like an actual crocodile, moving in, grabbing the Chikorita's leaf in his mouth and threw it around like a ragdoll.
"Yes, feed the violence, feed that ferocity…ouch! Give in to the inner beast…(Gah, my spleen) and wreak HAVOC! (Yikes, I think one of my neck seeds popped of…)" the Chikorita said as she was being thrown around.
"I think I may have picked the wrong Pokémon." Silver said, a bit disturbed by his starters' ravings.
"You think?" Maurice asked loudly and with a lot of sarcasm.
Silver recalled the Chikorita. "I'll be back, stronger then before. I will become the greatest trainer in the world." He said.
"Yeah, good luck with that." Maurice said sarcastically as Silver rushed off. Maurice noted a card on the ground. "Huh, the moron dropped his trainer card. Silvero di Gio…" Maurice started to read off the name on the card.
"Yoink!" Silver had quickly rushed back, snatched the card and rush off. Maurice sighed. "Oh well, I at least have a name to put on that hated face.
Maurice made his first rival
And no surprise, its someone he hates
"Holy Muk on a sandwich, when will this end?"
Silver and his crazy grass starter
Though may have well sealed their fate
Morrigan the Totodile blinked. This time it did it very slowly, and one of the eyes was a split second delayed, making the blinking a bit unsettling.
Silver ticks all the boxes
He's both a jerk and dumb
And this is why Maurice, Maurice, Mauriiiiiiiiice
Hates everyone!
"You're damn right I do!" Maurice said as he threw up his hands.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A very frustrated lab assistant of Elm's was giving his statement to the police. "…and of course the absent-minded bastard didn't notice! A herd of Tauros could waltz in here and flatten him and he'd still be stuck behind his screen and devices. Which I assure cannot be healthy. This one time he got so distracted he washed out the coffee mugs in the aquarium! You have ever seen a Magikarp on a caffeine high? They splash so hard they look more like rubber bouncing balls then fish Pokémon. And it was even worse when he did it in the Goldeen tank because those things have HORNS! And if those things are bouncing…"
"Er…Yeah, that's interesting and all but what can you say about the perpetrator and the stolen Pokémon." The officer Jenny asked.
"I dunno, I just went out for Pokémon food and noticed three Pokéballs missing while there were only supposed to be two whom were picking up their mons today, and he over there is no help." The assistant said. "He doesn't even notice when his wife is shacking up with another woman in their apartment above even when they do little to be quiet!"
"Pokemon food is third door on the right." Elm mumbled, distracted as ever, as he was still stuck behind the miscroscope.
"You see?" the assistant said, even more exasperated.
"Yeah…I do." Jenny noted.
Professor Elm's wife had come down to the lab in only a bathrobe and a satisfied smile on her face. "The holes are filled…And the ceiling's fixed too. Oh, hello officer…" the woman started to check out Officer Jenny. "Say, if you have a few more questions about what happened, I can give you my version of events…in private?"
"Yeah sure, the professor is no help and the assistant is distressed and aren't as much help." Jenny said.
"Oh don't worry, I'll help you in more ways then one." Elm's wife said as she licked her lips.
"And that's my cue to close up for the day. Hey Elm, you pillock with a head full of scrambled eggs, I'm going home early! If you acknowledge it." The assistant noted.
"Don't forget to close the door, it's a bit chilly." Elm said, only barely acknowledging what was going on. The assistant wondered if there were other region's professors whom were still hiring…
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"So Morrigan, we won our first battle. As if there was any doubt. But due to these idiots distracting us we still got to yet catch our first Pokémon…" Maurice noted as he walked by Dark cave.
A zubat flew out, and right into his face with a smack. Maurice peeled it of his face and looked at it. The Zubat had a wide smile on her little face. "Hi, I'm Jinx! I'm going to eat your face." With a 'hang' sound she bit her little teeth into the bill of Maurice's cap.
Maurice just his hands go of the Zubat, whom still hung in front of his face from having bitten in the bill. Maurice blinked. "Oh well, I was thinking of using a Crobat. You're in!"
"Yay!" is what Jinx said without letting go, but since she was still biting down onto the cap, it was muffled. She flapped her wings happily though.
With that Maurice got his first catch
And Jinx the Zubat was her name
"Of course…" Maurice said as he massage the bridge of his nose.
"Are we singing? Yay!" Jinx had finally stopped biting down and had plopped down on Maurice's head. She then started to sing the next refrain herself:
From now on I'll carry this fic
Cause now I'm where I belong
"Fic?" Maurice asked, sounding confused.
The normal narrator/Singer finished up the rest of the jingle.
For now we end the chapter
Because it is getting kind of long
"One day I'll get you, mysterious singing narrator and I'll end your career!" Maurice roared at the sky.
But remember guy, Maurice, Maurice, Mauriiiiiiiice
Hates everyone !
A comedy fic that is in the works for a while. Just like the Adrigaminette chronicles, this will not have a regular update as it is a bunch of comedic bits for some shits and giggles and is not serious. I cannot reiterate enough that this is a crackfic I write because I'm bored and I want a good laugh.