Chapter 3: The Truth (or At Least Part of it)

"Don't judge me. I know that look." she whispered, staring up at him at ease.

"I'm not judging you." he replied, looking down at her. "I just want to know the truth, from you. Not from Aaron. You."

"If I tell you-"

"You will tell me." he corrected, a look of teacher scolding student happening right that moment.

"When I tell you, I don't want you to change what you think about me. What you feel about me. You just said I love you..."

"And I do Mer. I love you. Nothing will change that. I fell in love with you and all your baggage, your past. It was what made you who you are. Nothing will change that." he replied, serious dripping with every word spoken. Every word leaving his lips.

"Promise?"

"I promise." he breathed, a small smile on his face hiding the nervous feeling in his stomach from what was to come. What he was going to find out. Sighing, she pushed her hair away from her face trying to find the right words to tell him. It was hard. Would she just give him a summary of her crapped up life? Would she give him every detail she experienced throughout the whole ordeal?

What was he thinking right now? Was he just as scared as she was? She needed to know. Maybe she was stalling, but she didn't care.

She needed to know.

"What do you think?" she asked surprising him when he was being questioned.

"What do I think about what?" he asked, stroking the back of her hand with his fingers.

"A..abortion." she let out. "You must have some feelings towards that."

"Mer, I don't that I-"

"Please." she begged, her eyes wide and asking for him to talk to her. If the eyes didn't work then maybe her pout would do, sticking out her luscious bottom lip. Pink and full wet from her licking them with the tip of her small tongue.

He sighed in defeat, finding a more comfortable position, pulling her closer to his body. "In the ninth grade, my biology teacher brought in a movie. Us guys called it the ultimate horror movie."

"What was it called?" she asked looking up at him.

"The Silent Scream. It was more of a documentary of the miracle of life. So, a room full of thirty fourteen-year-olds, boys and girls, ready to find out what happens when you have sex. We were not thrilled about that." he said with a chuckle, remembering the looks on his friends faces. The look on Mark's face making gagging noises. "My teacher said we were free to walk out when and if we found it uncomfortable. She said there would be a scene in this documentary that would be disturbing for some of us. I wanted to, don't get me wrong, I know it was the most beautiful natural thing a human can do but I barley ever seen puss. I didn't want to see this before I got the goods."

"Derek!" she gasped, trying to hold back the giggles.

"Hey, I was a hormonal teenage boy." he laughed as she rolled her eyes at him. "Anyways, I looked around the classroom and no one budged or moved. So, I stayed grimacing as the teacher pressed play. Everything was okay at first, it showed all these naked babies crawling around, and a deep voice narrating in the background. Then, it showed a man and a woman, cameras inside the penis and the vagina. First there was ejaculation, the damn swimmers trying to find the eggs. I thought this was the action part of the documentary. Going through many obstacles to get to the destination although only one could survive."

"This is sounding like Survivor." she giggled, interrupting his story. He playfully gasped, covering her mouth with his large hand.

"Then, there was the sperm and the egg going through mitosis or meiosis, whatever." he shrugged, feeling uneasy. He was supposed to know this in the back of his head, he had learned this in high school and perfected it in med school. Now, he didn't know which was which.

"Der..."

"Yeah, sorry. Then there was a baby. Beautiful thing, although I didn't think that back then. Personally, it looked like a fucked up alien, with the big heads and the webbed looking extremities. Overall, it was amazing. The baby made it to six weeks. You could see what was where and where some parts were going to grow." he chuckled his eyes brightening as he talked about human life.

"I remembered what the teacher said at the beginning of the class, about the disturbing scene. I thought it would be the birth. I wasn't too keen on it, but I would stay and handle it like a man. I would, and I was sure the other guys would do that as well. But I was wrong."

"Why?" Meredith asked transfixed by the words retelling a memory from his past as a kid.

"There was a reason it was called Silent Scream. There was a needle. It was rather long and thin entering from the vaginal opening. I didn't actually see the instrument enter the woman, but you could tell it came from the opening. The needle was right at the top of the fetus's head. The six-week-old baby not even fully developed. So, innocent doing nothing wrong, not ever seeing the world."

"The needle, it inched its way slowly towards the baby so close until it looked as if it was touching the tip of its head. Some of the girls left the room already before even seeing the needle, some of the guys. Some of the big tough guys also left while I stayed alone in my row with several other people in the room. The teacher even looked away busying herself with her binder as if she were scared. Then I knew something was going to happen."

"The needle, the tiny needle cracked into the fetus' skull, draining everything inside the little life." Tears brimmed his eyes as he spoke the words triggering Meredith's tears. She didn't bother wiping her away, her hand brushing away his tears running down his face. His hurt stricken face.

"Then, I saw it. It's mouth opening wide, sort of as if it was in pain. As if it was screaming inside the mother's womb, it's life being taken away before it even began." he breathed in deeply falling into her touch. "And then it was dead. I got up from my seat without a word, walked out of the classroom not even bothering to answer any of the others who were sitting in the hallway. They all asked me what I saw, was it cool, was there blood, if the mother just sneezed and the baby just popped out. I didn't listen. I didn't answer. I kept on walking until I reached the bathroom, locked myself inside one of the stalls and cried. I just cried."

"Oh, Der..." she breathed, cradling his head against her chest.

"I may not know what pushes a person to do that, I have no right to judge. But I cannot understand. Even after years in medicine I can't. I can't even think about it." he sobbed looking up at her tearful eyes. Her glassy eyes reflecting the slightest bits of him.

"Help me understand Mer."

The club was filled with sweaty half naked bodies, grinding to the person next to them that happily rubbed back. Horny, naked, wet sensual bodies at every corner of the dance hall. Meredith was nineteen years old, carefree without anyone to tell her to go home and study.

No dear old Ellis to scold her about partying and drinking. No one, not even Aaron could stop her. She had heard of this club when a guy on campus was passing out flyers, colorful pieces of paper announcing the opening of the hippest club.

Wearing her sexy black dress, a black lacy bra busting at her cleavage, and strappy heels, he walked inside. She could feel the temperature rise, humidity all around her, and music booming from the speakers.

She noticed guys staring at her, eyeing her, checking her out, and undressing her as she walked by. She liked it.

The attention. Every girl liked to be the center of attention; she didn't care what their purposes were. If they wanted her body instead of her heart, it was fine. She was fine with that. College was all about letting lose and experiencing the good life gave.

She drank tequila, beer, and fruity pink drinks with umbrellas. She drank them all. She danced with guys who were attractive, some who were not so attractive, and some who had hair longer than hers covering their faces. Sometimes she wondered if they were guys. The only reassurance would have been the hard member poking at her rear end. She was sure that was not a finger.

She flirted, kissed a few boys. It was all good.

Out of the bunch of boys she made out with she took one home. Took him back to the apartment she shared with her best friend and had sex.

Pure sex filled with no emotion, no attraction on her end, and no protection. At the end of their drunken fifteen minutes of hard core fucking he left, told her she was great and walked out.

No name, nothing. That was how she liked it. And never did she think about him. Then the next night came, the next new guy with a hard on she could ride. The next guy who didn't care about her and filled her with a part of them leaving the next morning.

"What are you cooking?" she moaned dropping onto one of the chairs, her face resting onto the cold counter.

"Eggs..you know. What I always cook for breakfast." Aaron replied flipping his omelet in the small frying pan.

"Well can you please stop. It's making me nauseous." she begged plugging her nose.

"No. Why don't you go to your room if you don't like it. And you might as well make your own breakfast to."

"Seriously Aaron, please..." she begged. Even when she covered herself from the scent it still got to her. He sensed something was wrong placing the eggs onto a plate and pushing them far away from her ill looking body.

"Mer, are you okay? Are you sick Meri?"

"I think so." she replied, mumbling liking the cold feeling of the countertop. "I haven't been so good for the past few days."

"Fever?"

"I don't think so. Throwing up, can't even drink tequila without feeling sick from the smell." she whined.

He sighed patting the top of her head. "You sure you don't have mono Mer? You have been kissing lots of guys lately."

"I do not have mono!"

"Well, I think you do. Go get your ass dressed, we're going to the doctors."

"Then, you found out." he trailed off stroking her skin right under her chin.

"Yeah. No mono, just baby. Seven weeks pregnant and I had no idea who the father was." she replied, trying to find something in Derek's eyes. Anger, maybe frustration. There, in his blue eyes held understanding.

"Then what? What made you decide on having an abortion?" he asked wanting her to get straight to the point, holding all his weakened emotions inside. Looking strong. When she told him about the guys, about her days back then four years ago, he had to hold his fist clenched next to him. Just knowing other men, many other men had used her like that made him want to punch the wall.

Hand touching her body. Kissing her lips. Fucking her.

She was his. He didn't know her back then, but he believed that she was his. He just had to find her four years later.

"I couldn't take care of a baby Der. I couldn't even take care of myself. I was selfish, more self-centered and greedier back then. The world was mine, all on their knees as I pass. You think a baby would make me stop partying, stop having sex, stop drinking. Even if I decided to keep the baby, put it up for adoption, you think it wolud have lived?" she asked.

"Because of my lifestyle I don't even think I would have lasted my first trimester. And heck, if there was a miracle to me going through this pregnancy and giving birth, I know what the outcome would have resolved to. A child affected with my drinking, my experiencing with coc...things." she let on noticing the hitch of his eyebrows at him.

"And maybe I was being selfish, at the time that was the best thing to do. Sometimes I wonder what if, sometimes I regret it. But what can I do now?" swallowing the lump in her throat she waited for Derek's reaction. He nodded absorbing everything told.

"Now, we live. Learn from our mistakes, our regrets and try as hell not to do them again." he replied, a small smile on his face as he bent down to kiss her softly. Quick. Just long enough for her to form her own smile on her face.

"Are you okay...you know now...abortion...me?" she asked.

"Yeah, I accept your past. I may not truly understand but..yeah."

"I don't think you're supposed to understand Derek. Sometimes I don't even understand. After all the points I make, all the factors I can think up, I still don't understand. Funny huh, trying to make you understand when I really barely know what I am talking about."

"It's just one of those things that will remain a mystery." he stated.

"Yeah." she breathed out resting her head on his chest. "You still think you love me?"

"Oh I know I do." he chuckled, kissing the top of her head. Sitting in silence for a good five minutes, absorbing everything talked about, things that were unspoken, understanding, confusion. Everything.

"I have a past Der, just let me tell you at my own pace." she spoke not meeting his gaze.

"As long as I don't have to find out from Aaron, then it is fine with me." he sighed followed by more silence. Comfortable silence.

"I thought you were breaking up with me." she whispered.

"WHAT!?" he exclaimed, pulling her body off him so he could look at her face to face. "Why would you even think that?" he asked in shock.

"You...you talked about being the only one in the relationship. Not wanting to be alone in it, and then...and then...you..walked away." she said softly.

"Mer, oh god Mer. I would never break up with you. Never."

"Don't say never Der, not unless you kow for sure-"

"I know." he stated confidently. "Never would I leave you, be without you."

"You sure?"

"Of course, I'm sure." he said with a smile. "Why, are you saying that you would break up with me?" he teased.

"No, I wouldn't break up with you." she said shaking her head back and forth dramatically. "Never." she whispered.

"Then what is with all this break up talk. Very depressing and will never happen. Break up is such a bad word for us."

"The ultimate swear word." she giggled.

"Exactly. Those words should never be spoken..."

"Or written." she cut in.

"That's right. Break up.." he shook his head in amused disgust. "I think that should only be used as..." he trailed off thinking off a way to use the words that had categorizes into cuss. "It can be our danger code. If something is wrong, something bad, you just have to tell me 'I want to break up with you' and I will know something is wrong." he said with a smile.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. I used to have these codes with my parents, in case a stranger came up to me and pretended to be my long-lost uncle."

"And we have to have a code?"

"Just in case Mer. Just in case." he said with a laugh as she scrunched her nose at him, his body falling onto her kissing her into fits of giggles.

Just in case...