Another day and he was sent to the outside world again. Something he once awaited eagerly , something he always became excited from just hearing the possibility of happening , now filled him with a strange sense of dread that he couldn't comprehend.
He felt the warmer windows blowing against him as the sun beat down through the thickness of his cloak and other layers of clothing , his skin becoming flustered from the overwhelming fabrics yet he didn't care.
His feet simply dragged him through the routes he memorised to take to the market ground now that he had another round of errands to complete , not even bothering once to take time and witness the changes of the world around him like he usually would as his mind was too heavy at this point.
So heavy that all he could do was keep his head down low , bronzed eyes towards the ground watching earthen floor and grass convert to the cobblework of town whilst he drowned in thoughts that never ceased bothering him.
And none that were of a pleasant nature.
Thoughts such as regarding why he suddenly felt so strange regarding his innocent desire , why he didn't feel so firm about it now and why everything just felt so detached to him. Something he once felt so invested in and would devour any detail he could find to feed his fiery curiosity , now why did it all of a sudden feel wrong to do such?
He really was so confused…
Why did everything that he thought he knew about himself feel so strange to him now?
All after that day. It seemed somehow everything had changed. All since what those kids did to him , and what they said , it felt like some sort of veil had been lifted from his eyes , but instead of revealing something wondrous , there was something there he couldn't understand.
And the world he thought he knew and had been watching curiously with awe in his eyes somehow felt something more threatening. Like it had just somehow turned into something completely different.
Yet he still didn't know why…
Why had those kids said all of that to him , why they acted so cruelly towards him. He had done nothing wrong from what he could tell , but they seemed to have something already against him which he couldn't fathom. His intentions hadn't been anything of a bad nature had they?
All he wanted to do was be of some help , all he wanted to do was make friends , all he wanted was his desire to come true…Then why?
A thought had crossed his mind a couple of times throughout when he would be plagued through his mental ramblings…What if all that had happened…Because he was being punished?
Somehow having angered the gods in some way and they were extracting their dues on him through this , but when he thought about that he didn't understand why that would be the case. As it's not like he avidly did anything to try and cause anger towards them.
But the thoughts still came to him,
Making him think , did they start retracting their blessings to him because he failed to follow them up? Because he failed to give gratitude and didn't hold them with as much significance as he did before.
Because it was true that his amount of prayers to the gods did decrease from the time he was in , but that was all due to factors he couldn't control and that had incapacitated him from doing much alongside worship.
But if that was the reason…Was what happened to him all those days ago truly because the gods were angry with his lack of worship and praise towards them? Did they suddenly think he didn't see them as important anymore and punish him because of that , hence why those kids were so cruel to him?
The thought made his blood chill , as the gods were the ones who had been helping him live a better life finally , but then why would they take it back? Was it really okay for them to punish him like this just because of a few errors that weren't even of his own doing?
That…That wasn't fair though?
Didn't the gods know that he had become helpless after the doctor's visit and that's why he couldn't engage in as much praise and prayers like he had done beforehand. So why would they fault him and punish him for something like that? Especially if they had all the knowledge regarding the hearts and minds of the people and more , they would have known then his feelings hadn't changed towards them despite his actions weren't as prevalent.
So how could that be the case?
It couldn't be right?
Maybe he did something wrong by accident and didn't know beforehand to anger them in another way. Even though he still couldn't think of what that could have been , it was a more probable answer in his mind as it seemed his stupidity had been doing nothing but becoming problematic and incensing for others without him even realising.
Well , without him realising before it was too late that is.
His throat swelled inside with a heaviness that only dropped deeper with each step he took towards the cacophonous atmosphere. Though the apparent hustle and bustle of the marketplace was becoming present to his senses , it all became nothing but background noise to his most prevalent thoughts that he just couldn't get his mind off no matter how hard he tried.
Bronzed eyes dimmed as he recalled the dejecting moment of when his mother finally had decided to make some form of interaction with him , but it all had turned in the way he should have expected yet had been so ignorant to heed of.
And of course whilst that occurrence was an incredibly stressing matter on his heart to begin with…
What really was getting to him now was what he had pondered upon after the aftermath of his actions. The way her voice was frail , it had a shake to it. How her body had been frozen in what he initially thought to be sudden rage , but now thinking back to it , it was more than that.
Because she shouted at him and the first thing that hit his ears was her rage , though he didn't notice at the moment , now he realised there was something else in that harsh spat of words which tried to hide away in the midst of fire.
Her pain.
Pain that he caused her , for nothing other than his own incessant ignorance and diehard stupidity. To the point that he would even make her cry from how blind he was to her anguish just for his own sake. And that's what got to him the most.
He had been the one to make her cry.
After telling himself that he wanted to be nothing like the devil that he despised , he went ahead and did that to the woman he cherished the most and it was all his fault. He should have read the signs of her reluctance , he should have known when to let up , he should have been able to respect her boundaries.
But he didn't.
And now she hated him for it.
And he did with himself too.
Sure they did have an estranged and brutal dynamic with each other after all that changed , but he had never been the one to cause her to cry from his own doings. If anything she would be in the midst of doing so when she would erupt or she wouldn't do at all. But this time was different , and he couldn't help but feel so horrible for it.
She must have thought of him as a bad son now right?
Something he wanted to avoid , as he wanted nothing more but to bring them back to what they had been , but it seems all that he did would only push her away from what they had.
And away from him.
Why…
Why was he so damn pathetic?!
The cruel thought hounded him as his fingers curled up in frustration , crumpling the paper in his hands as a glaze covered his dark eyes and threatened to leak out , obscuring the cobble floor which he had been aimlessly watching in front of him.
His deep azure bangs shadowed his intense expression along with the cloak that covered him as his feet kept moving on their own , unable and uncaring to stop , simply directed by nothing but the will to keep moving and give something more for his body to do other than being wracked with sadness.
And as he did so , his thoughts traced back to the midnight haired woman he knew as his mother , lost in the memory of what he remembered her to be and grimacing over what she had turned into.
She had been so soft and warm once upon a time , so tender and comforting . Though it had been years ago when her ways changed , his body still yearned for her firm embraces and thoughtful caresses she used to lavish him with. As if it really did never forget the touch of it's mother and the desire for her to claim him back only grew more desperate with each day that went and he was left waiting.
And with how things were now , he would still be left in that everlasting wait. As that kind and loving woman didn't seem like she would be making a reappearance anytime soon. Not after what had happened between them , and all in between that too.
Though thinking about it…It was almost funny in a way , that something that he had been so showered with so bountifully , was suddenly taken away from him. Having meant everything and now meaning even worse than nothing to the one who's heart held the most importance to him.
How could such a thing have come to be?
Salty tears dripped down his face bit by bit , intensely troubled through this harsh reality and all that had been spurned with it. Instead of mother and son , it was like she saw him as her enemy , especially now.
The fact that she would say such hurtful things to him , telling him it was best 'if he hadn't ever been born' , 'that he was the problem' and so much more. On top of having intent to harm him in other ways when she felt words didn't make the cut.
Why did it have to be like this?
A mother and son weren't meant to have this kind of relationship were they?
Even animals treated their young better in this regard , he had witnessed that many times now , so why was it so different for them? Were they worse than animals in this respect?
Why was it all so different?
Wetness doubled on his face , biting his bottom lip to stifle any form of sobs that were choking his throat as his small features scrunched on themselves tighter , trying to abate the pain that writhed through his heart but it only squirmed in him deeper.
He wanted this all to change so badly , he wanted his relationship with his mother back to how it had been. Or at least if it couldn't be the same then at least to have a fragment of what it had been. That would have been enough, He would have never complained if that was the case.
That alone would have made the happiest boy in the world , he firmly believed that.
But the reality was nothing even close. It had all devolved into something grotesque and broken , and would only continue to do so as he had been painfully seeing it do so for years now. And now starting to result from his own ignorant doings.
And it honestly didn't stop eating away at him.
He had witnessed or heard his mother cry more times he could count , and each instance would just be as painful as the last. But this time , even though barely having caught a solid glimpse of the grief and sorrow struck in her blazing eyes , it got to him like nothing else.
Reminding him how much he truly hated the devil that had done this to her , and in turn hated himself for bringing her pain by his mention too. Though , even as that realization haunted him , a thought did pulse through differently from the rest that gave him a strange form of clarity from everything else.
That thought being…
Was there anything else he could do to make it right between them?
At least let her know he was truly sorry?
For giving her pain?
For making her cry?
And everything else he may have done without knowing?
Because he was someone with barely any understanding of anything , even though he tried his best to make sense of it all , it somehow didn't seem enough and that's probably why things like this happened in the first place. It was out of ignorance , it was out of naivety , and he never meant it but that didn't stop it from happening.
She did get hurt at the end , regardless of what his intentions were and he wanted to make amends for that.
But how?
That was the question.
The woman literally wanted nothing to do with him , and on top of that anything he did inevitably made her angry , so how was he meant to approach her in such a situation and tell her how he felt?
Worded apologies also seemed to hold no weight in the matter. Regardless of how lengthy or concise they had been , he had told his sorries many times. If he did something wrong and even when he knew he didn't , he never ceased to tell her the same , yet she still lashed out at him , and that never changed anything.
So it's not like a simple apology would be enough to convey his feelings of repent and sorry to his mother.
There had to be something more , but he didn't know what that would be.
Or even could be?
A dejected sigh left his lips as he walked on , eyes having become incessantly blurred through the hazing of his tears , having become so drowned in his own inner world that he completely forgot about the world around him until he felt one of his feet kick up on something in front of him , bringing him back to the present and away from his desolation as his focus turned back on what was around him.
'That's right…I have errands to run…'
Jellal thought to himself , pulled back into the bustling atmosphere he was surrounded by as he used his spare hand to wipe away the evidence of his weakness before uncrumpling the paper that was suffering in his crushing grip and looking over at the contents he had to read over for his duties.
Internally cursing himself for making the damn thing less legible than it was , he came to a still as he took time to decipher that which had been mangled , trying to make out the different pictures that had been drawn to depict the stalls that he needed to go to today , and looking up briefly around his surroundings to see where those images correlated.
Some of the images drawn were places that he had been , but others were more new to him. Given the changes of the seasons , it became known to him that the market square offered different services depending on the time of the year that wouldn't be available at other times strangely.
And those places from what he could tell were the more exclusive stalls , some being more populated whilst others were just kind of there to fill in what could be a gap in the market.
As his young mind started to make connections between the images he deciphered and the stalls around him , he couldn't help but notice the increase in how many new things there were this time around compared to the last time he had been.
Whether it had been days or even weeks since his last run , he didn't know , but it was obvious to him that a lot had changed in whatever span of time it was.
His large bronze orbs looked at the increased amount of food stalls that were lined up on the side of the square , the smell of freshly made food wafting towards him and stealing his attention. From what he could tell , this food wasn't like the usual food that would be made at the market , it smelt more flavourful and rich , which was surprising to him.
And alongside those new smells that hit his nose , another also caught his attention. One that he was actually quite surprised about when he located where it came from as his gaze landed on a new sort of stall that was propped up in the square , selling things which were unusual for him to see a price tag on honestly.
Plants.
Or if he had to be more specific , flowers.
For the first time he was seeing that flowers were on sale in the marketplace. It made him wonder if this was an entirely new thing or if he hadn't noticed it before in previous visits.
As curiosity thrived to take the lead of his actions , his feet found themselves gently taking steps towards these never before seen stalls in order to get a better view of what exactly was being sold.
As it seemed rather strange to him that someone would actually be selling flowers , things that can be literally found just outside of the town square near his home and practically anywhere else where nature bloomed.
Like if someone wanted a flower , why would they have to go and buy one when they could just pick one from the floor or something?
Though his logic was rather confused in this aspect , he found that as he neared the sight of the stall , even though that the only thing of value being sold were flowers , there was a hefty line of customers waiting to buy them and viewing them with great interest which piqued his curiosity even more.
As he never saw people ever being so absorbed in the look of nature , paying attention to every little detail present like he had usually done. And the reason he would do such was because of his own intrigue and to give his mind something else to focus on before boredom could get to him as he didn't really have much more to do than that.
However these people didn't seem to be limited in their options of what they could do , how could they when they were buying stuff in loads from the market stalls?
Yet they still seemed to be incredibly invested in these flowers being sold , which made him wonder exactly why?
Was it possible that these flowers that were being sold were something maybe special and that's why so many people wanted them? Did they have something that other flowers didn't to be so popular?
His mind rambled with possibilities to this behaviour he witnessed whilst his footsteps drew closer to the place of assembly.
Nearing the edge of the stall to get a better look at that being sold , despite his lacking in height compared to many other customers who were around , what he could just about catch with the glimpse of his eye regarding the flora wasn't anything unexpected , but it was nonetheless beautiful.
Though only for a second , he saw an array of different sorts of flowers that were lined up across the tables , all of some form of a striking colour or pattern which stuck out magnificently , being showcased in some form of fancy bouquets or arrangements which was designed to bring out the attraction of the flowers with how the tones of the petals contrasted with that which surrounded them.
It was incredibly pretty.
Reds , pinks , blues , whites and so much more. There were flowers of all sorts of hues decorating the table in masses , both in groups and alone , and he couldn't help but be mesmerised by the sheer burst of colour that he caught as the sight drew him in even more to look at.
The smell of the flora also lingered around his nose , sweet and refreshing as it started to waft around the market square and decorate the air with a subtle powdery scent that almost seemed to enrich the atmosphere somehow with the more these flowers exuded their natural radiance.
His interest in these flowers grew as he recognised some of the flowers on sale but then some others he had never seen before. So intricate in their design and unknown to him , he found it hard to believe that some of the patterns he spotted on the flowers were something naturally occurring.
Well that at least was his assumption.
Without even realising , he had somehow wriggled his way through the crowd around the stall , coming to a halt after he slithered his way to the front. Dark eyes wide with wonder as he took in the sight of all this bountiful nature with great measure , entranced by the tones and softness of that which had been displayed in such a structured manner.
His focus having fallen directly to the flowers with the most striking colour that effortlessly caught his attention. Hidden amongst tones of violet , yellow and pink , there was the one that entranced him the most. Deep red struck white splashes , with a cluster of petals that all ruffled around the centre. The further the flower spread out , the looser the petals were , and it all came together in a mesmerising design that he was stunned by.
'I've never seen a flower like this…'
A gasp of awe left his lips as his hand subconsciously left his side , fingers reaching out with intent to follow his alighted curiosity , about to caress the petal and experience the softness for himself until something stopped him.
Smack
A force hit his wrist , repelling his touch away from the merchandise and he was brought back to reality as he hadn't realised his actions were going out of line. Bronze eyes blinked in shock , looking up to find where that hit came from , evidently coming to notice one of the ladies that were handling the stall looking at him with a glare as she eyed him up cautiously.
"You're not allowed to touch the Dahlias."
"Unless you're going to purchase one of them?"
She sneered , causing the bluenet to feel a rush of embarrassment as he knew he couldn't do such a thing with the money he had as it was all for the duties he needed to complete in the first place. Duties he still hadn't even started to commence as he had been so consumed in his own thoughts for the meantime.
"N-No…"
He mumbled whilst shaking his head , a flush quickly covering his face as he processed how shameful it must have been for him to try and start touching someone else's products with no intention of purchase in the first place.
"Then leave , and stop blocking the way for customers who'll actually pay good money."
The woman ended with a scoff , all which the young boy knew it was time for him to take his leave and stop himself from causing more of a scene than he already had with his lack of presence.
"S-Sorry…"
He promptly apologised as he backed away from the growing crowd. A few sniggers from nearby could be heard , though he wasn't sure where they were exactly coming from and what they were meant to be towards , however he had no time to ruminate on those factors as he had been wasting enough time as it is to begin with.
Keeping his eyes to the ground and having left the populated stall , the paper he was holding came back into precedence with his thoughts , looking down at the crinkled mess as he still felt the heat of embarrassment paint his face , trying to get his mind off his mindless blunder and prepared for what needed to be done.
'I need to stop being so stupid…'
His lips pressed into a thin line , his mind already on the edge to beat himself up for another prevalent mistake , however before that could happen he wanted to set foot to where he actually needed to be before he could get into any more trouble than he already had been or was on the brink of.
He had finished his errands promptly even given his delays , so much so that there was spare time for him when he came back from town and delivered the necessities to be outside until further notice. And though he hadn't really been feeling the urge to want to stay out after that which had occurred , the few reasons he decided he would was because he caught sight of his feline friend again so many days after and wished to spend time together. And also there was no one around for something like that to occur again , and he just didn't feel like staying back despite his depressed spirit that desired to drag him down.
A sigh left his lips as he remained sat down on the usual slope , Hazel in his lap as he waved a new blade of grass in front of the cat , making the feline excited for play; however the same didn't exactly exist in her companion. His bronzed orbs simply looked down at the furry creature , who had notably felt somewhat heavier to him , and his gaze became vacant as he couldn't stop thinking about that which had been troubling him throughout the day.
The guilt of what he did to his mother didn't take long to seep back into him once his mind was unoccupied. The fact that mistake after mistake he was just proving himself to be a bigger idiot than he thought was also something getting to him too.
All the while those cruel words that those children had said to him revolved around his brain , adding onto the harsh remembrance of all the other misfortune things he had to witness due to nothing other than his own stupidity.
Stupidity that somehow started to seize him in the most unwanted moments and that would have caused him a scene even today in the marketplace if he hadn't got himself together. Not just because of what happened at the flower stall , but other things that also happened too which had him the centre of glares and dismissal , all because his brain just wasn't being competent with him today.
He had bumped into some strangers when trying to get from one place to another , he almost tripped up again himself somehow due to being so clouded , and then he was taking more time than usual to get what he needed due to his nerves and attention being all over the place despite his wishes.
He felt so inept.
And the thing was he knew he hadn't always been like this. So unnerved with interactions with others or plagued with mistakes. Sure he would mess up here and there , but never so frequently in such a short span of time. And he could always bounce back from his errors even while feeling low , but then why wasn't this the case now?
Why did his dejection seem to linger and not want to leave him.
He didn't want to make mistakes , yet somehow that's all he kept doing and he couldn't understand why.
Because he had been so drained through his own mental sufferings , the fact that he came across Hazel again strangely didn't cheer him up as much as he thought it would have. In fact he barely felt interested in the cat's doings as he was too invested in his own problems to give mind to the feline properly.
This really wasn't like him at all.
For him not even being as happy as he would normally be to see Hazel. For him to be in a state that it almost felt like he didn't care , like he didn't mind if he was left alone if the cat didn't accompany him , almost feeling tense because it did.
All of this wasn't like him.
Yet he noticed he hadn't been like himself really , ever since that day. And especially , ever since that happened between him and his mother. It seemed from her outburst , everything he did just ended up wrong. And was magnified and suffocating in the process.
He really did not like it .
And the fact that his mother's emotional wreck haunted him out of his own doings recently , he just couldn't bring himself to forget that sin , as now it felt like it wouldn't stop bothering him until he could amend himself.
But alongside that,
There was another thing that bothered him too.
Such as…
How was he actually meant to do that?
Even after ruminating possibilities , he found he was lost for options with how lacking he was. As if he wanted to add weight to his feelings , he thought about maybe giving a gift alongside , but what the hell was there that he could have presented her with which would have held value?
He had nothing.
And he had no means of obtaining something either.
So what could he do?
The thought pestered him thoroughly. Finding a way to weave into his mind despite his efforts to keep his focus elsewhere , he found himself in further dejection as he tried to think of possibilities yet would face a dead end in his reasoning as he simply just did not possess the capability of presenting something to his mother worthwhile.
Because in the first place what was there that he could even think of that she would like in the first place?
As he genuinely didn't know what she would like if that was the case. He didn't know what interested her , what made her happy or smile yet that was what he wanted from her the most. Hell he didn't even know where to begin to even try to find out what did.
It frustrated him greatly.
As much as it was pathetic to admit , he really did not know her in a personal sense despite having been so close to the woman. Despite having such an attachment to her , this made it even more strange.
His mind did try to think of other things that could have been of interest , things he deduced that caught the eyes of other women so he thought might have done so for his mother if in theory he would be able to attain them.
Such things as dresses , shiny ornaments , trinkets and colourful things that he saw a lot of women purchasing from the stalls have great interest in.
But even when he would be able to come to some form of possible conclusion in his thoughts regarding that , he would be brought back to the harsh reality , he simply could not expense it.
He had no form of currency , so why was he even trying to fool himself that he could get something worth his mother's attention?
Though as that depressing thought started to sit in him , for some reason the remembrance of the flower stalls kept flashing through his brain. Recalling the varying colours and vibrance they exuded and were of high value and he could tell they were incredibly desired with how many crowded around to view them.
Many whom he remembered were actually women.
Gushing about the different colours they viewed and the beauty of the flowers , purchasing them in bouquets and singulars or having them purchased for them. And because of that being all the more happy and joyful when cherishing them.
He wondered why something so small like that made so many of them smile.
Was it because of how pretty they were , or was there something more to it? Did these flowers being sold have possibly some special meaning , or was it just something that generally women liked a lot?
As he thought about it , he couldn't help but ruminate about the possibility of one of those flowers having been the chosen apology gift that he could give his mother. It wouldn't have been too bad would it? They were incredibly beautiful , and he noticed a lot of women seemed to have a fondness for them and being given them , so wouldn't she have liked the same?
He himself was just as entranced by the spectacle of the flowers , so maybe it wouldn't have been something that she was adverse to as they seemed to be a generally well accepted gift.
But of course there was a problem with that just like any other possibility…
He had no money.
Not enough for any other gift , so certainly not enough to purchase one of those high pricing flowers. So that hope for him was already lost , and he wasn't going to pursue it as it would depress him even more.
A low sigh left him again as he stroked one hand through the fluffed fur of the cat , feeling it nuzzle into him as his eyes looked up from the trance he had been lost in before settling down on the sight of the bunch of flowers that were blooming not too far down the slope and dancing in the gentle breeze delightfully.
His focus fell onto the mixing tones of the petals that swayed , already getting entranced by the burst of colour and variety they brought to the greenery around , and soon being inspired by the sight as a new idea struck in him with the more that he looked on.
Because what if…
He was to get her a flower just as beautiful as the ones he saw?
His dark eyes lightened up with the first flame of solid hope as he ran the possibility of the plan through his mind. As he knew there were many beautiful flowers around where they lived , some even more beautiful and eye-catching than what he saw at the stall even!
And there was no money needed to buy that which wasn't claimed by anyone. It was all just growing from the ground , so what was the harm in just taking one?
'I could find her a really pretty flower!'
Revived by a new form of conviction , the azure haired child sprung up from his idle position , with such tenacity that he even shocked the feline who bounced off him.
"Sorry Hazel! I just got an idea!"
He gasped whilst in the midst of excitement , feeling that his usual and optimistic self started to spring into him as the rumination of his plan fueled him with even more determination and brimming hope as the will to make amends finally had a way for him.
'If I give her a really pretty flower , maybe she will like me again and know I really didn't mean to make her cry?'
'And maybe then we will start to get closer again?'
That thought alone was enough to solidify his decision as his bright bronzed orbs scoured the flora he could see blooming around him on the slopes and grass. There was a great variety of choices he could already see , but he was going to make sure that he found something only befitting for his task at hand ; only something beautiful enough and precious so that his mother had no doubt about the thought and sincerity that would go into getting something like that for her.
"Come on Hazel!"
The bluenet chirped as he looked towards his feline companion with his returning spark , with a new goal in mind that he was determined to see through as his mind was already trying to think of the best place to start his burning search for his floral gift that he would determine as precious and worthy to earn her forgiveness and acceptance.
"We need to go and find something really pretty for my mother!"
His fingers played with themselves in front of him , running over the scabs of skin that had been picked off by the thorns which had nipped at him when he was in the search for a flower worthy for his mother's liking. That which his efforts were eventually successful in before sundown and which he had claimed in his hands right now , held in a gentle hold as his heart pounded from what was to come next now.
His bronze orbs looked from the door that he was only barely an inch away from , to the flora he had picked and that was trembling along with the nerves of his hand as he tried to muster the courage to face her again.
'I hope she likes it…'
Choosing a flower for his mother wasn't all that easy as he initially thought. Not because there weren't many choices , but rather the variety was so vast that he had a hard time singling out just one as they all had a form of beauty which he thought could be presented to his mother.
They all were so striking , pretty and they all smelt so good too. Some sweet like syrup , some with a more subtle powderish scent , but all delightful smelling in one way or another. If he could, he would have taken all of them , but he couldn't be selfish and take from the earth all it's adornments at once. And besides…He didn't have anywhere to store them as his hands alone wouldn't have been enough , and he could have had the risk of ruining the flowers more with how many thorns they had , so he had to just settle for one now.
And eventually after countless comparisons and through searching , he and Hazel both did find a flower which he thought was fitting in all the aspects that he wanted for his mother. A flower that was growing not far from the surrounding greenery of his home , in the midst of a patch of other eye-catching colours and petals.
And thankfully didn't risk him needing to go out of the bounds of where he was allowed just to get it.
His eyes took in the details of the flower he had decided on , having the strange urge to touch the softness of the petals in an effort to quell his own forthcoming anxiety , but he knew he couldn't do that as his hands were a bit bloody from scouring through thorns already. And because of that , he didn't want to risk tarnishing the image of these flowers by tainting them with that which didn't exist on them naturally.
'I'm so nervous…'
The boy thought to himself as his hand felt reluctant to knock on the door that he had been standing in front of for who knows how long now. Becoming hesitant as his features unwantedly weighted from the remembrance of their last encounter , and fearing what could come of this one if she was to lash out again.
Though of course logic told him that he would be wary not to do such a thing , as the reason she had become like that was because he pestered her with something that she didn't wish to talk about. Because he wished to talk about someone that she didn't want to talk about. Someone that he knew only trouble to come from the mention , yet he remained heedless of all previous warnings and wanted to do so anyway.
That was all of his own foolishness and he would accept that.
But now that would not be the case.
That man , that devil , would not be of mention between them anymore. If it truly hurt his mother that much just to hear about him , then he would do with living in ignorance if it meant that she would not be hurt again.
He didn't need to have anything answered if it meant that he would make her cry in the process.
And that's what he would stick by.
What he was coming for wasn't to give her pain , but was to make amends for his own sin. For making his mother sad , for making her angry and to hopefully start patching up the bond that had been strained between them for far too long.
There needed to be no mention of him for that. He wasn't there for them and never had been and never would be , so what was the need to bring him back into the scene again?
Even by mention it was nothing but a waste.
And he understood that now. Completely. That the nature of this insidious being was such that he only caused pain and torment where he went , even if just by words. And for that he wouldn't allow such to come in between him and the one who mattered to him the most even if that man was his 'father'.
In his eyes he didn't see him as such. Not after what he did to them , not after what he did to her. She suffered so brutally and even though he didn't even understand yet what exactly happened between them , his heart told him that what was happening to her was wholly unjust , and it's all because of that bastard she had become so vicious.
Crack
Without even realising , in the midst of those darker thoughts the stem he had been holding had started to bend a bit on itself from the pressure being applied. A gasp left the bluenet's lips as the sound brought him out of that dark cloud hovering over him , to just see that some of the stem's fibres had begun to deform , much to his dismay.
'Ah!'
Subduing his pressure immediately , his dark eyes stilled in apprehension , with his fingers lifting away from the stalk to inspect the damage , dreading it if it was something beyond repair. As he wouldn't be able to get another back in time if it was , and that would have made his whole plan bust if that was the case.
'It's…good…'
A sigh of relief left him as he found that the stalk hadn't been done too in. And most importantly the most precious thing of all was still intact and preserved as he wanted it to be.
Ruffled petals that were exploding out from the centre of the top of the stalk , tones of white that both pristine and faded into hues of blue and that which was darker around the edges , all the whilst the petals were coated in a delicately soft and sweet powder like scent.
A smile came to his lips from the inspection.
It still was beautiful.
And it still was something his mother hopefully would like.
And that he should have gotten to her anytime now as the day was coming to an end and soon he wouldn't be able to visit her again as she would have a new round of visitors . And that thought alone was already filling him with emotions best to subdue before anything else unseemly could occur.
'I need to give this to her…'
With a deep inhale , the boy used his free fist to knock on the door that barred him from the midnight woman. Immediately upon doing so he felt his nerves already agitated as the sound of footsteps soon approaching started to become apparent and more thoughts of paranoia came his way.
Because even if he didn't bring up anything regarding that man…
What if she still got angry with him? And shouted at him?
What if…She didn't like the flower that he got her? What if she found it ugly or something , and disliked him even more because of it?
A thick swallow went down his throat as he was piled with all these unnecessary scenarios in his mind. Anxiety was beating away in him like a drum as he could hear the sound of him being approached , making him increasingly addled and jittery as he barely had time to mentally prepare himself for this meeting with her and what could come from it.
'What if it's not her favourite colour?...What if….'
For some reason now , in the moment he needed it the least , his mind was hellbent on focusing on the worst. Having his heart thumping against his chest and sweat beginning to permeate through his already blood dried palms as the flower trembled in his frail grasp.
'What if she doesn't like the smell or-'
Having been so consumed in his torrent of thoughts , Jellal hadn't even realised the sound of the door being unlatched from behind and that his being was being viewed through the slit created. Large blue eyes peeked through the ajar door to acknowledge the nerve wracked child that was stilled behind , finally coming back to his senses as he looked up to the orbs that watched him motionlessly.
"Yes?"
Irose's voice hit his ears just as quiet as they always were , her large eyes that were pinned on him and looking down emotionlessly at his body and focusing on that which his hands held , making him feel even more anxious with all this unsaid pressure that came from the brunette's gaze.
"I-I…."
Jellal started , fumbling anxiety already lacing through into his words , his mouth turning dry from the inside as he struggled to recollect his thoughts that had been muddled with through his bouts of hesitation.
"...W-Want to see h-her…"
The request eventually found a way to make out of his lips , leaving in an unconvincing tumble that had the brunette's eyes stuck onto him for a little while longer , until what came next.
"Please?"
Irose closed her eyes and took a small sigh before opening the gap she was protecting a bit wider , enough for the young child to walk through without issue and soon allowing her to close the door behind them as two of them were now enclosed with the midnight haired drunkard.
"Be quick."
Her command came to him swiftly , putting more pressure on the child as it didn't do him well that he didn't have time to really think much about how he was going to approach her again after all this time.
And not to mention the returning sight of seeing her back towards him and the repulsive stench of liquor surrounding her from the bottles she emptied was another reason that had him on edge.
That being said though , his will to make it right between them was greater than his fears of what he caused. Even though he might not have been properly prepared , he had to get his feelings to her someway , and clear the air between them somehow , and he had all for his plan that he needed to do so.
All that he needed more was just the resolve.
His small fingers played about with the stem of the flower he held , trying to drown his mind away from the haunting sound of her continually taking swigs from the bottle she was once again drinking from. His eyes having become downcast from seeing her pursue such behaviour again and despising that which it made her become.
Pain writhed in him with the more that toxic heaviness seeped into his senses. He disliked the smell of this thing so much , nothing about it seemed good , it was what they smelt of and now his mother was too. It surrounded her and he hated it.
Someone like her shouldn't have been influenced by something so foul.
But she probably drowned herself in this disgusting beverage so she didn't need to do anything else. So that she could become senseless when the powder the stone faced ladies gave her wore off. As that's what he noticed she would become like from drinking this.
Quiet and detached.
Barely even making a peep.
So that she could forget everything.
Everything and everyone.
And most importantly,
Her pain.
Pain that she lived through for years on end now. That the whole world could attest to from her screams , cries and hysteria. He was sure that anything around would be able to witness how broken of a soul she really was.
That she had been made into.
Through nothing other than The Devil's doings.
And he did nothing but break even more.
Out of his own stupidity.
Out of his foolish curiosity.
The returned realisation of that brought another weight on his heart , blazing away all the hesitation that had addled him and replaced the iron will of guilt in him as the words he couldn't bring himself to think about were filling his chest naturally , and eager to be sounded.
To be heard by the woman he wanted to acknowledge him the most.
To be asking for forgiveness.
"Mother…"
He started , feeling the tension in the room already become apparent just by that word , not because of anything the dark haired woman did , rather she hadn't even changed her behaviour to anything apparent that she'd be listening to , but there was that sense of suffocation back that he knew.
"I…I know you're angry with me…"
And he knew it always to be there whenever it was him trying to engage in anything with the woman. Be it whatever , there was never a time when tension wasn't amongst them when they met. There was always the edging fear that was hidden away in his heart regardless of how their encounters would go.
And speaking about all of this was not making that trepidation any easier for him.
"And…I know I made you really sad…"
But he knew he couldn't just leave it like that.
"And that…You cried because of me…"
Because if he didn't try to fix it the proper way , then it would have never changed and he would have never been able to have a good moment with his mother again. He would never even get anywhere near close to salvaging what could be clinging before misfortune struck them.
"But I want you to know that…"
And because of those reasons he found the strength to tell the volatile woman the words which were enclosed in his heart.
"I'm really sorry."
Words that had been trying to be sealed away under a barrier of anxiety and fear. Words that broke through from him with increased passion and had his blood rushing and heart beating all at once as his being continued to tremble.
Yet he knew he had to push on.
"I…I know that doesn't usually mean anything alone to you…"
"B…But this time…"
"I…I got you something to say what my words usually don't."
Referring to his gift , the bluenet held out his flower with growing confidence , a shaky smile trying to cross his face as the hope embedded in him through having her accept his gift started to become apparent.
"It's a really pretty flower."
He told her with a sense of pride that was lacing his words. Pride in the fact that he was able to source something like this just for her and in hopes that she would recognise his efforts and him for doing so.
"I thought you would like it."
The words left his lips still with a slight tumble , only just managing to be breathed out as the tension remained , yet he found as he continued to speak , even despite the silence it felt like the weight around him got more manageable and his heart supported the burden which he normally wouldn't have been able to.
"It…It kind of reminds me of you."
Jellal remarked , his eyes looking down at his gift and thinking back to the traits that made this flower 'the one' for his gift. The intense dark blue hues that outlined the flower reminded him of the darkness of his mother's silky midnight toned hair. The white creamish tone reminded him of her ivory complexion and the dark green stalk had a comparison in regards to her deep olive green eyes , which he hoped would emit some sort of spark once again from seeing this.
"It even smells really nice too!"
He exclaimed with a beam that emphasised his gratification , going as far to take another generous sniff of the flower , having it detox his senses from the repugnant alcohol and proving his statement as he held the flower out in hopes that she would turn around and acknowledge it.
But as time went on and his words fell flat , the desperate smile on his face wilted alongside his over expression of enthusiasm as he saw her attention remained on drowning in the bottle , even becoming more avid in doing so than she had been which honestly hurt him to see.
But even then he still wasn't done.
As he still needed to make his amends.
He took another breath to steady his rushing nerves , pushing away what pain threatened to glaze his eyes and make him incomprehensible. The boy held the delicate stalk with his scarred hands before he went on to say the bulk of what he actually was holding back.
That which all of this had actually been leading up to.
'I know you don't want to look my way…"
Remarking on such a reality did cause a brutal pain to linger in his words , just the mere admittance had his throat clogging heavier than he thought. That his own mother still couldn't bear the sight of him , and he didn't even know when she would not.
But that couldn't dishearten him,
"…And I…I won't ask you of that after what I made you feel like…"
At least not until he had finished saying his piece.
"But I want you to know , I didn't really mean to make you c-cry…"
His own voice started to falter from thinking back to his mistake , tears beading from his large bronze orbs that he could only just sniffle away as his heart continued to speak that which it always kept.
"You mean so much to me…and…"
"You never stopped meaning that to me either."
His fingers tightened around the stalk , unintentionally puncturing his flesh again by a lone thorn , blood seeped down his pale palm in a new spring as he pressed harder in the wound , giving him a strange form of strength as his words continued to spill out.
"I-It might not be the same for you now with m-me…But I can understand that it's not your fault you're like this…y-you were never to blame…"
He reiterated the truth he stood by despite his wavering tone. His gaze trained on the cold floor he had been sitting on how many days ago , specifically trained on the spot that he had crumpled on when it all turned for the worst.
"And that's why…"
And he uncovered the monster that had been subdued by the drink she had been drowning it in. The words of apology hung in the back of his throat , growing heavier the more he was left in this unsaid tension and as his flesh pressed deeper into the thorn , the pain acting as a final push he needed to get him to say what he wanted properly.
The acute agony that pulsed through his already torn flesh , reminding him vividly of the reason of what he needed to say , and that which he caused , and that which needed to be amended.
As more blood was brought out through the piercing of the thorn and started to decorate his skin in thin red lines , he swallowed thickly once again as the words which had welled up inside him for days on end now finally were released.
"I'm sorry for everything…"
The bluenet breathed the admittance , the speech leaving him with a tender firmness , resolve that aimed for him to be heard yet a gentleness that existed in remembrance of his guilt.
His heart was beating incredibly hard , feeling the atmosphere still as unreadable as ever as the flower hung in his grasp , a stalk decorated with traces of crimson that dripped as his stilled gaze became heavy with another confession that his heart sought to sound.
"And…."
"I…just want to…"
"To tell you…That…"
That which he barely had the chance to say.
"I…"
That which he wanted her to have no doubt in.
"I…"
That which he wanted her to hear.
"I love y-you."
The expression felt so foreign yet powerful , so much so that he could feel the sheer tremor it caused in him as he admitted that truth.
His chest that had been caving in amongst all of this felt the tightest squeeze from finishing the utterance of those words. Not even sure why he said it , not even sure what sort of reaction would come from saying it , all he knew was that in the moment it just came from his heart and some part of him wanted to say it.
Like he would miss the chance to if he didn't now.
But given that he did that , he didn't know what to expect as he didn't know if such a thing was dangerous to utter or not. Because he never had said anything like these last words to her to even think what could come from them now that he had.
He felt his sparse breaths leave him , finally looking up to glance at the ravenette and see if his words did have any affect on her , and if what he said would make any difference between them since he actually had told her something he never really had the time to say.
To his surprise he found that the swigging of the bottle which had been sounding in the tension didn't sound as present. Not stopping entirely , but the sloshing wasn't as audible. Though whether that had been because of her own actions or his own nerves blocking things out , he didn't know.
And with how still the room had become after that , he didn't know if he wanted to either. Everything had felt strangely thick after that , even with his mother still having her back towards him and drinking away like she had been ignoring the whole thing , he didn't know what to expect as this was what he feared about her the most.
What sort of expression could be existing on her , what sort of reaction would erupt , what words she would say (if she chose to say any) , he never knew what they would be , or really he wanted to be ignorant to what they could be as the hope that he hung on could only blind him for so long.
From being victim to so many outbursts that seized him before he could even process it , he was painfully aware how foolish it would be to try and turn his head away from the apparent signs of her foreboding behaviour.
And though he didn't want to believe that this was going to be the final outcome and wanted to wait for anything more , his memories reminded him of how grave of an idea that actually could be and made the bluenet relinquish what it was trying to blind him with desperate naivety.
As it dawned on him he would not be getting any form of reaction from the dark haired woman who continued to swig away and drink herself out of this world , he swallowed his defeat in acceptance and put his flower on the cold stone floor where he once sat at the side of.
Watching the flora drop from his hands alongside dripping trails of blood that released more as the flower left his grasp. With his heart dampened by her lack of promising reaction to anything , he took one more look at the ravenette from over his shoulder before turning to the brunette who had been wordlessly watching the two of them in their one-sided meeting.
"I'm…done."
He muttered to the lady , his head low and failing to meet her unreadable gaze as she escorted him out of the room , her own eyes darkened with unsaid emotions that started to fill her as the young child's intentions became apparent and were met with nothing promising in return.
As directed the bluenet away from his mother's confinement , his dejected state stuck out painfully to her , finding her own heart pulled from witnessing something so strangely upsetting to her.
To the point that words left her lips without realising and alighted a new form of hope in the boy that was on his way to being consumed by despondency.
"Maybe she'll look at it in her own time?"
Irose mumbled to the bluenet , who turned around and met her features with surprise. Not just from the words that she told him , but from the expression that slipped through her stoic mask. Catching a glimpse of something like a smile and heaviness filling her eyes before she seemed to look away to the side , concealing her face away from him as if a sudden form of shame or anxiety washed over her and she wordlessly withdrew from his proximity.
He was in apparent shock , speechless that a stone faced lady would actually tell him words that were actually comforting rather than insulting. And even more in awe that one of them would look at him with something other than anger or disgust.
His eyes trained on the brunette's receding figure , watching her shuffle back into the room she had been posted as his dull bronze orbs had a glimmer to them from being told something different to that which he was coming to know.
As he heard the door shut on him again , his heart beat avidly , as if telling him not to give up on his plan or his wishes and to stop him from becoming victim to the gloom that wished to swallow him.
A tearful smile returned to his lips , the heaviness that existed in him was cast away as he started to take his own steps back to the confines that waited for him as hope that was on the edge of being snuffed out was duly revived in him again.
'Maybe she will.'
Hot tears streamed down the ravenette's face , staining her flushed complexion with the rawness of streaking salty tears as her lips latched around the rim of the bottle she was drinking. With her head knocked back , she commenced to down the burning liquid as much as she could , adamant on becoming lost to the world and lost to her senses and the pain that plagued her , but the words stuck out to her too much.
'I love you…'
A choked sob left her throat , making the woman come to a brutal stop with her will to drown in alcohol as her hand came to cover her mouth as her body was wracked with unsaid sorrow which shook her with each cry.
Her throat seared from the weight of her tears and the influence of alcohol , causing the ex-priestess to spit out what had been building in her mouth through a revolting spew.
Disgust pervaded her mouth with such intensity , that her heart felt unbearably heavy. To the point she couldn't even swallow down the liquor she had been trying to submit herself to.
Her body shivered , warm wetness dripping down thickly on her face as her hand remained stationary at her mouth to stifle the forbidden sorrow she was bursting out with. Her breaths ragged and plentiful , her features crumpled upon themselves with each devastating wave of sorrow and grief that claimed her distortedly broken mind.
And kept her being haunted by the cruel memories and reality she had come to despise.