No matter how much Nathalie complained -which wasn't much. She didn't have the energy to complain and insist- Levi still forced her to mount on their horse and ride back to the Special Ops HQ. It was a long ride, but he made it fast. She needed to lie down, and he didn't care whatever it was that they had discovered in the Catacombs of the Royal Palace. Hange and Moblit agreed to stay behind and later on fill them in on what that was, but Levi barely cared.
All he could think about, during the entirety of their fast ride, it was the answer to his question.
"What do you mean they die young?! How long do you have left?!"
She was weak. It was right before she had passed out. But she made the calculations quickly. "Six… years," She had said and she passed out in his arms. He was going to take her into a hospital, but Hange assured him that there was nothing that the doctors could do. They knew how much primitive their technology and their knowledge on science was, and Hange was probably right, but he didn't want to believe it.
He changed his mind, and he just took her home. Nathalie just needed rest. That's all that she needed. She was just being delusional. She couldn't be dying. He couldn't be losing her. Her head had rolled back on his shoulder unconsciously. No. That wasn't happening. That was just a shock-imposed nosebleed. Nothing else. She was going to be okay. Or that's what he tried to convince himself to believe.
Six years… Their plan alone had a duration of four years. What was that supposed to mean? That they had two years left? That he could spend only two years with her? Levi did not want to believe this, but he knew it was just useless not to believe the inevitable. He gritted his teeth. His hand tightened around her waist and he rode a little bit faster. He didn't have time. They didn't have time.
Levi jumped off his horse, with his wife in his arms and he carried her towards the small empty building outside of Trost that they called home for now. Their brats were back in the Survey Corps HQ, training with Hange's Squad, so they'd be alone, and they'd be able to talk this through.
But for now, she had to rest. Levi lied her back down on their bed as gently as he could manage. As if she was a fragile infant that he could break any moment. He took off her short boots, and he pushed the bedsheets over her body. He sat beside her on their bed and he took her hand in his own. He pressed his thumb below her wrist, making sure she had a heartbeat.
He let out a sigh of relief. She did have a heartbeat. A steady one. He contemplated whether he should go downstairs and make her some of his tea -that he knew she would overly enjoy when she'd wake up- or just stay there, and just stare at her. In the end, he just ended up doing neither. Levi just buried his face in his hands, and his fingers clenched on the roots of his hair almost painfully.
How long did he have left to just stare at her? How long did they have left? Six years? Was that it? And what about their plans to have a family? A house? Children? Two years weren't enough time for any of that. Two years weren't enough time for anything. He could keep her safe from everything. Titans, soldiers, bombs. An entire battalion of enemies could come right at her, and he could protect her. But this? This disease. How was he hoping to fight against that? Should he start reading medicine books? What was he supposed to do?
He knew the answer. She was going to die, and there would be nothing to do but stare. He'd be so useless against it. All that he could do, was stare. He was going to lose her. It was just inevitable. That was that one threat, that he didn't know how to fight. Why was this so goddamn unfair? Why?! Why did he have to lose it all?
I'll stand by you in sickness and in health. They had both vouched that a few days ago, on their wedding. But they didn't have to take that vow. For twenty-five years they stood by each other and looked after each other in sickness and in health. But now he couldn't make a soup. He couldn't make a tea. He couldn't make anything that was going to save her. He couldn't fight her disease with swords and ODM and those Ackerman genes. He was going to lose her, and all he could do was watch.
"Hey," Her soft voice interrupted that swirling tornado of thoughts inside his head. He looked at her. His eyes met her own.
Her fingers gave his own a gentle squeeze, even though he could tell, her hand was still cold and weak. She had opened her eyes finally. It was almost afternoon. He couldn't tell how many hours she was passed out, and how many hours he was sitting there, wallowing in thoughts of utter despair.
He tucked her cold hand beneath the warmth of the blankets. "I'll make you some tea. You just rest," Levi said and he leaned in, pressing a kiss on her forehead, before he stood up and walked out of the room.
Nathalie only nodded in response, and when she was alone, she just stared at the wooden ceiling of their room. She stood there in silence. A tear slipped down her cheek, and landed on the pillow. She only needed one look at him to say that he was a mess. But so was she.
She suppressed all tears back, though. There was no time to cry. Not to mention that it was only worsening her condition. Her headache started to subside. That was a good sign, but it would come back to her if she tried to recall more of the ancestors' memories. She didn't know how it worked yet, but something told her, that the more knowledge and memories she recalled, the faster her braincells degraded. Alas, all that knowledge was essential. It was knowledge focused on nothing but the enemy. The true enemy. The Government of Marley.
The whole wide world beyond their little island. Some nations the early Eldians had oppressed, and they had been holding onto that anger for far too long. Nathalie sighed. Stupid people. The world was filled with stupid people that used their past to benefit in their future. The Eldians were accused of crimes that they didn't even know their ancestors had committed.
But she wasn't an Eldian as far as she knew, which meant she couldn't turn into a titan. Titan Spinal Fluid did not react with her blood, thus the theory was proven correct. She wasn't an Eldian. She was a Burgess. A family name that almost sounded like a whole different species. She had a feeling that the Ackermans were no Eldians either.
But the Burgess Family were the scientists that Carl Fritz created with the power of the Founder. Their purpose, to fully understand and study the nature of the titans. They could pass down their knowledge through their memories. The more years passed, the more the knowledge became, and the less time the members had to live. But there must have been some way. Some way to slow down the degradation. Or some way to stop the braincells from degrading at all.
That same headache came back to her, and Nathalie groaned. Her hand reached for her forehead, and she tried to ease the pain by rubbing gently. Maybe staying in bed, she'd fall asleep, and she'd wake up with a larger headache than what she had now. Nathalie pushed the bedsheets off her body and she sat by the edge of the bed with a groan. She felt dizzy, but it wasn't something she couldn't handle.
She just sat there and she looked outside from the window in the opposite wall. She had to figure this out. She couldn't let herself die. She could figure this out. She only had to spend a few days looking for answers in her ancestors' memories, and she had to deal with the headaches that would follow.
But it made sense. Six years -if she kept it up like this- it was all that she had. A hand clamped around her mouth. Her eyes started watering. Maybe her efforts to keep the tears back were absolutely worthless. She was dying. She was going to leave Levi in six years. They were never going to have a family. They were never going to have children, and their own home, and that normality that they both so much longed for.
No. She was going to stop this. She was going to figure something out. She couldn't not live the life that they had both dreamt of. But she wiped her eyes right away when the door opened and Levi walked in. He was holding a tray. It was a slice of the cake that she had made, and a cup of steaming tea. He'd always look after her when she was sick. He had even tried making soup once. Of course, it was nowhere near as edible, but she had still tried her best to eat it. The memory brought a smile to her face.
Levi let down the tray on the bedside table. His hand found her cheek. "What are you doing? You should lie back down," His fingers caught her chin, and he urged her to look up at him.
He had that unreadable look on his face that only Nathalie had learned to decipher. Sorrow. Worry. The two emotions that she saw in his eyes right now. It formed a painful pit in her stomach. She was the cause of that sorrow.
Nathalie gave him a smile, to reassure him somehow. "It's alright. I'm feeling quite better now," She said, hoping that would help someway, but he knew her.
He knew her so well, he knew she was lying now. He knew she was only trying to stop him from worrying, but he couldn't. His wife was… she's… He couldn't even bring himself to think it, much less say it. He had barely realised that he had dropped on his knees in front of her and he buried his face in his hands. Eyes got a little bit wider. A little more expressive. He wasn't afraid being true to his emotions in front of her, and that was exactly why it hurt so damn much. She was the only one he had left.
"You too?" He breathed shakily against his hand.
He looked down. His eyes now hidden behind both his hand and his hair. He couldn't keep the tears back. Not when she was awake and she was staring down at him with those bright blue eyes of hers. Not when he knew now for sure that he was going to lose her. He just had to accept it. He was just meant to lose everyone and everything that he ever cared about.
Some would envy him for his strength and for the title of Humanity's Strongest Soldier. But it was a curse. Being strong was a terrible curse, because it meant he had to watch the people that he cared about die, and that he would always be the one to survive. He would always stand alone in the end with nothing but their memory. But he never thought the same would happen with her.
Her hands found his hair, and it almost became unbearable. No one was ever going to touch him like this if she died. He could never fall for anyone else if he lost her. He could never go on with his life if he lost her. There it was that same feeling. That same fear that he had felt when she had been abducted, and imprisoned, and tortured. The fear that struck him before every single Expedition, or mission, or job, or when he had rushed her to Trost after her fight in Utgard Castle. The fear of letting her go. He could never do that.
He was clutching onto her now. His face, buried in her lap. His fingers, clenched into the black fabric of her skirt. Her fingers, caressed his hair soothingly, and her own tears were finally allowed to slip down her cheeks. She'd never seen him so broken before. It hurt more knowing for sure that she was going to die, than having it suddenly happening.
Yesterday, he was so happy when he danced with her. When she buried her face in his neck and allowed him to hold her all night. He was so happy, it had almost felt unreal. And now… in just one day… it was all ruined. He should have known better. He shouldn't have married her at all. He shouldn't have opened up to his feelings. He shouldn't have embraced them. But he did not regret any of that. He'd never regret marrying her. He'd never regret loving her.
"I- I'm so sorry,"
A sob erupted from her throat. Her voice, broken and trembling. She never thought she'd see him like this. Kneeling in front of her, and wetting her skirt with tears of his own. She had seen him cry before, but not like this. She hated the sight of him being a mess. It hurt so much knowing that she was causing him this pain. It was she who had made him a mess.
No. She couldn't allow this. She couldn't let herself die. She couldn't allow herself to leave this world, without living the life that they both wanted. They had just gotten married. They had just started building this life. She couldn't let it end like that. She'd never forgive herself if she didn't fight. Nathalie was always one to face her problems head on. She was always one to strike back.
"No… I'll figure this out. I can't leave you, Levi," Nathalie choked out between the sobs and the tears. Her hands reached down for his face. She cupped his cheeks with both her hands. She wiped his tears with her thumbs and she urged him to look at her. "There must me some way… I'll figure it out… I can't- I can't-"
"Don't you understand?!" Levi caught her elbows. He pulled on her hands, harshly urging her to crush on her knees in front of him. Nathalie gasped, but she didn't complain. Her palms rested flat his chest. His hands found her face. "This is exactly what's killing you. Stop trying to figure everything out. Stop trying to do everything on your own. It doesn't have to be you who pays the price of our freedom," He pressed his forehead against her own. Their eyes met. "I can't lose you,"
Nathalie froze as if she had seen a ghost, or as if she had just figured something out. But it only worried him even more. He parted his lips to ask, before she grabbed his shirt and tugged him closer. "Levi, you're a genius!"
It was the last thing that he expected from her to say, right here and right now. Was she having a stroke? "I'm a what-"
Levi never finished making the question when she muffled his lips with her own. He couldn't say he particularly liked it when she interrupted him, but interrupting him with a kiss was exactly what he needed right now, after this. His hands slipped around her tightly and he pressed her body against his own. His tongue responded right away. Her taste merged with her salty tears and he couldn't stop tasting her, but she pulled back, and he had no idea how she had managed to do that when he was holding her so damn tight.
"If I stop recalling the knowledge of my ancestors, then I greatly prolong my lifespan!" She explained. It was all starting to make sense now. The less knowledge she recalled, the more years she had to live. "Which means-"
"Which means no more research for you. No more thinking, no more memories. No more of that fucking knowledge, do you understand?!" He cupped her cheek making sure he had her attention.
Nathalie smiled at him and she leaned on his hand. "Of course, we'll never get to learn anything about the enemy, but-"
"I don't give a shit, Nat, I just need you alive and well," Levi tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and he pressed his forehead against her own. Grey eyes met her own and he let out a sigh of relief before he pulled her close. Nathalie buried her face in his neck and he held her tight, resting his cheek on top of her hair. "Have you got any idea how much you fucking scared me?"
Nathalie passed her hands around his shoulders. "I'm so sorry,"
"And have you any idea how fucking annoying it is when you say that?" Levi slightly grinned and Nathalie giggled in his neck. Her giggle melted his heart right away. She was going to be okay, so long as she didn't try anything stupid again. So long as she didn't try to remember things, she was going to be alright. Levi pulled back, to cup her face and catch her attention. "Promise me this one thing. You won't try it again. Ever again," The tip of his nose brushed gently on her own. Eyes remained locked and his breath brushed warm on her lips. "No more thinking. Please,"
Nathalie nodded. She gave him a heart-warming smile. She cupped his face. "I promise. I promise. I want to live. I want to live beside you,"
"You will, my love,"
He'd never called her that. Her eyes almost widened. He wasn't intending to let it slip out, but it did. It sounded perfect. He ghosted his lips above her own. His thumb slid gently on her cheek. His eyes found her lips. Pink and soft, and wet. So damn alluring.
"My love," He repeated. "My wife, my everything," His hand slipped away from her cheek and found her hair. Fingers clenched into her hair pulling her head slightly back, almost punishingly. "You will never try and do anything that might take you from me. Is that clear? Ever,"
His voice, harsh and authoritative. It was an order, and she had naught but to obey. Nathalie could not resist the urge to bite her lip. "Crystal, sir,"
He let out a hoarse, low moan of satisfaction to her response. He loved how easily she succumbed to him. She had submitted fully. She was his. Death wasn't going to take her from him. Death would have to deal with him first.
Still, they both ignored the fact, that this was just a theory. Not recalling memories to prolong her lifespan, was still just a theory. Nathalie could still be dying. But, no, neither of both wanted to believe that. His Nathalie was going to be okay.
She had to be.