Chapter 16
Harry Potter leant over the shallow basin of the sink that had once belonged to a man called Perkins, in a tent that had seen more than any history book would ever tell. He could have gotten another tent. He had the money. And the tent made the dreams worse, he knew. But sleeping in any tent made the dreams worse – it was the reason that Hermione and Ron's family always got coveted indoor bedrooms at the burrow during Christmas. Harry had the dreams too, but they were quieter. So, he stayed in the tent. And he knew that he would never sell Perkin's tent. Too much history.
Harry shook his hair, splashing the tepid water over his face. He hoped he didn't look as exhausted as he felt, but he knew that he hoped in vain. Even Ginny had commented on his new wrinkles, pleading to him to stay away from the ministry. But Harry couldn't stay away. His motivation was right in front of him every day, in the form of a wiry girl of twelve, all elbows and knees and soft frowns. He'd seen her face on Christmas morning, and it haunted him. He knew what it felt like to feel alone on Christmas, even in a crowded room.
Speaking of being haunted, his son's words echoed again in his head. "I don't think I can ever forgive you. Not fully." Harry brought a finger to his forehead, wincing as he rubbed his temples, as if to remove the sound from his head. The similarity of the movement to that of decanting a memory for the pensieve was not lost to him.
The worst part of it all was that he still wasn't sure why he'd done it. He wasn't sure why he'd given James the cloak and kept it a secret from Albus. Part of it was in fear of corrupting the magic, sure. But he'd done it impulsively. Without thought. Almost as if he couldn't wait to be rid of it. He'd given it away as if he'd been forced to, and a part of him had felt like he had been. He'd given it to James so he could stop thinking about how he had to give it to James.
Harry held his fist by his side, turning the air in front of him three times. Ginny had been the first to teach him that it was easier to love the dead than the living, thrown in his face during their first real fight. With so many dead, and so many living around him, he was reminded of it every day.
Ginny startled him out of his thoughts with a pounding on the door. "Breakfast is served" she called out in a sing-song voice, loud enough to wake the kids "and I'll bloody kill you if I have to eat it alone" she added, quieter, directed at the door that separated them. Harry couldn't help but chuckle. He was out only a few minutes later, but Albus and James were already jostling for the last piece of bacon, which Harry snatched out of James' hands before he could take his victory bite. "Mine" he said, taking his seat next to Lily and ignoring the boys' groaning. He caught Ginny's eyeroll over her glass of orange juice, but secretly he was glad the boys were interacting at all, even if it was mostly fighting. He knew how much he'd harmed their relationship with the cloak. He knew that it had been rocky long before it.
Albus and James bickered over the share of the baked beans, over who had to do the dishes, and finally over who had to pack up the car. "You have to do it" Albus said, crossing his arms over his chest. "I did most of the dishes!" James replied angrily. "I did the pots, which are the hardest bit" Albus retorted "and I'm not going to pack that stupid bear for you, it'll take up half the boot." James blushed at this. It was true that during their post-christmas-money shopping trip to the nearby muggle town, James had returned with a truly enormous stuffed bear. He refused to answer Albus's questions on who he had purchased it for. Harry found it mildly amusing, but he and Ginny had agreed not to press him on it until he wanted to introduce them to his first ever girlfriend.
The fight was threatening to boil over, each of his sons thinking the other had done less work in the morning chores, so Harry cut in. "You won't have to stuff the bear in the boot. I won't be riding with you to King's cross, so you can put it in the passenger seat." Both boys turned at this. "You're going to the ministry before we're on the train?" James asked, sounding hurt. "No, no" Harry assured "I'll be there before the train sets off. But I'm going to take Elle to London a bit early, so I'll meet you there." Knowing that he was about to get bombarded by questions he didn't want to answer, he then left the tent, confirming to his children that he would see them later.
Teddy Lupin was already standing by the front door of the burrow, Elle beside him. Harry smiled broadly. Teddy was shaping up to be a fine auror, and once he passed all his exams, Harry knew he would be one of his top agents. "Ready?" Harry said, and Teddy nodded his agreement. "Ready for what?" Elle asked, and he detected some sullenness in her voice. He tried to smile kindly at her. "We're just going to go to a few places in London, and hopefully you can tell me if you recognize them. Even better, you can tell me if you remember how to get home from there." This was one of the working theories the aurors were running with at the moment – that Elle's mother had planted the obliviate spell in her head with a trigger point, so that if Elle saw a place that she had known as a child, the spell would undo itself and Elle would remember the way home. It was extremely complex magic, but from what he had seen in the last few months, he did not doubt that Jessica Williams was capable of it.
Elle crossed her arms, frowned, but nodded her agreement. With a loud crack, the three were soon twisting through space and time, Harry's arm firmly gripping Elle's. Harry and Elle landed with a gasp, Elle bending over her knees, breathing heavily and looking slightly green. "First time is always the worst" he heard Teddy say comfortingly. Elle nodded, quickly regaining composure. Harry led them out of the bushes they had apparated into. "Do you recognize this place?" Harry asked. "Yeah" Elle said, gazing at the low brick building in front of her. "It's my primary school." "Do you remember how to get home from here?" Elle stared at the building in front of her for a long while, before shaking her head no, biting her lip. "That's alright" Harry said. He thought that it might have been too obvious of a location.
CRACK. "It's the bar my mother worked at" long pause, another head shake CRACK "my doctor's office", shake. CRACK "the tube station where my mum left me" Harry was about to reach out to grab Elle's arm again when she shook her head for the fourth time this morning, but Teddy stopped him. Elle walked slowly across the grimy floor, ignoring the throngs of people going about their business. She stopped in the exact spot that Harry knew her mother had knelt over her. Harry felt the grief then, as he kneeled beside her, and he cursed himself for pushing her too hard.
"Sometimes, I think I've forgotten her face" Elle said, speaking directly in front of her, holding out her arm to caress thin air. "I've been trying to remember, you know, but the more I think about it, the harder it gets. I spent days trying to remember a nursery rhyme my mum used to sing to me all the time. I thought I had it on the tip of my tongue for a week. And then I gave up, and this morning, while I'm eating breakfast, it pops into my head. Easy. It's the same with her face." And then Elle began to sing, in a slow, sweet voice:
"Underneath the spreading chestnut tree,
There we sit both you and me,
Oh how happy we can be,
'Neath the spreading chestnut tree."
"That's a pretty song" Teddy said, patting Elle on the shoulder. "My wand is chestnut, you know." His wand. Of course. Suddenly, several things slotted into place in Harry's brain all at once, and he felt as if the tense headache that had been tightening around his temples for weeks was lifting. He knew where he had to go and what he had to do. He wanted to leap up and set off at once, and he almost made to, before he remembered himself. Elle was still standing stock still, her arm held aloft, palming dead air, as if in supplication.
"I'm sorry I took you here, Elle" he said softly, bringing his hands to gently cup hers and slowly lowering it. Elle shook herself, her eyes clearing up as if she were waking from a dream. "I'm sorry" Elle murmured, lowering her gaze. "I got lost there for a moment." "Never apologize" Teddy cut in, tucking a stray strand of Elle's hair behind her ear, and he saw the understanding pass between them. "Teddy and I both lost our parents young" Harry said, "I promise that we're doing everything we can to find yours." Elle nodded, but she was still teary. "You don't tell me anything." Harry knew that it was true, but he felt justified when he said "I don't know anything for certain. And I don't want to tell you something, only for it to end up not being true. I know it's hard, Elle, but we've got the best in the country on this case, believe me." He could tell by her eyes that that wasn't the right answer.
If Harry had been honest with himself, he would have admitted that he wasn't telling her everything because he wanted to protect her. Because he wanted her to have time to be a child, because he cared for her deeply and did not want to hurt her. Harry was not telling her because he was afraid to tell her. Because he knew that it would hurt him to tell her. Because he knew how it felt to be a child without parents, with other's secrets weighing heavily on your back. He knew too much. He knew so much that he realized too little.
It was not for many more months, when he was in the very office where he had heard all those similar excuses, that it struck Harry that he was perpetuating the very motivations that had drawn a chasm between himself and Dumbledore. It would be then that Harry would look upon this day with regret and pain. But that day was still many months away, and so in the moment Harry just patted Elle on the shoulder and suggested they head to King's cross.
Harry saw Elle and his boys off, hugging the latter and wishing the best to the former, who was looking at him with hateful eyes. He knew she felt betrayed. "She reminds me of you, you know" Ginny murmured as the two of them watched the shrinking form of the Hogwarts Express lose itself around a bend. "Angry?" Harry asked, only half joking. Ginny caught on that Harry did not want to discuss this seriously right now and replied: "no. Skinny." The two laughed, but Harry knew that she would ask again, in private, and that he would not hide his feelings to her then. The dreams were always worse when he did.