He couldn't sleep. The bed was just so damn empty. He hadn't even bothered to get undressed. He was still wearing that black jacket on top of that white, slightly unbuttoned shirt. His ascot was tossed somewhere in the room. He didn't care. The cold breeze entered through the window and brushed across his bare chest. He shivered, but he didn't care. All he could think of was her. You selfish bastard. She was right. He was a selfish bastard. He was an insensitive prick who had trespassed her freedom. He had hurt her. He only had one precious person in his life, and he had managed to hurt her.
He had lied down. His back pressed against the hard wooden bedframe. His hair were a mess from running his fingers and pulling them too many times, and he allowed his head to roll back. His feet, lied crossed across him. He didn't know what time it was. He didn't care. He had to go after her. He had no idea where she was, but he was willing to bet she'd be in the interior. In those labs beneath the Royal Palace.
It made sense she'd be there. She would always drown in her books. Her thoughts. Her science. Her research. She would drown in these, and all these would effectively keep her mind off the things that she didn't want to think about. She would always lock herself in her room when she was upset, and she would always read her books. She wanted to escape reality. That's what she had told him at least.
"You're not trying to protect me! You're not doing this for me, you're doing this for yourself, you selfish bastard! You don't care about how I feel!"
He couldn't believe she had told him that. You don't care about how I feel. He couldn't believe he had given her that impression. After all those years, and after all those things that they had been through, did he really manage to make her feel that way? What was she thinking now? Did she think that he didn't feel anything? That she didn't mean anything to him?
That was why she had cried and she had fought against him. That was why she had tried so hard to push him away from her. He had suffocated her. He never meant for these to happen. He never meant to push her away from him. But he was so terrible with these. He was so terrible with emotions. Feelings were terrifying to him. He always knew it, and that was why he never opened up.
He never made a move on anyone for anything more than carnal pleasure. But he was married to her. She was his wife. He was her husband. They were bound. They were closer than they had ever been. Closer than he could ever muster the courage to be with anybody. He couldn't lose her now. He couldn't stand by knowing that he had hurt her and he wasn't doing anything to resolve this.
Levi had jumped on his feet before he even knew it. He didn't know what time it was. It must have been early in the morning. He could tell from the dark blue, early light that rushed in through the window. He buttoned his shirt back up, and he grabbed his ascot. He tied it almost blindly, and hastily. He couldn't afford to waste anymore time. He had to find her. He had to talk to her.
He had to let her know how much she meant to him. He had to let her know that she was his everything. He had to apologise. She was so damn precious to him that he couldn't even think of living a future without her. And that very desperation was exactly what had led them to this.
Desperation and obsession. He was obsessed with her. And he knew it, and he was sick of himself because of that, but he couldn't stop it. His Nathalie. Yes. His. Mine. All mine. But he couldn't believe he had hurt her. If only he could beat himself up, he would do it with no second thought. He was simply nothing without her. The thought of living without her was the scariest he could make. The world could go to hell. He didn't care about anything. He only cared about her.
Levi rushed out of the room, and he hurried down the hall. The building was almost empty. The employees had yet to come, and the officers hadn't yet walked out of their quarters. It was too early in the morning. It was still dark outside. He couldn't care the least. He made his way to the stables. A horse was missing. It wasn't his own. It was the Commander's. The horse that was once her own. His assumptions were proven correct. She had left, and she had sought for the consolation of her books and her research. He could never console her the same way.
But he wasn't alone at this hour in the stable. Hange was there, and she was strapping her saddle on her own horse. He couldn't remember whether she was supposed to go to the interior and continue the research. He was under the impression that Erwin had ordered them all to rest.
And he was right. Hange wasn't there to go to the Interior and work. She was there to prepare her horse and go find her friend and bring her back, no matter how early in the morning it was. Moblit's room was just next to Levi's and Nathalie's. Moblit had heard the shouting and he had notified her right away, and Hange knew exactly where Nathalie was going to run off to. She couldn't tell she knew her friend as much as Levi did, but she knew her well enough.
"Oi, Four-Eyes," Levi caught her attention and she turned and shot him a glare. "Where are you going at this hour?"
Hange didn't answer. She knew what was going on. Nathalie would talk to her about what was happening. Hange wasn't stupid. Nathalie would always open up to her and she had been suspecting why Nathalie was never really glad to see Levi when he'd come and take her home. Not letting her ride a horse on her own. Not letting her go and do anything else without his permission first. Hange wasn't stupid.
He would have reacted. His reflexes were fast and he could have pushed back, but he let her. Hange's punch was rough. It would have knocked his tooth out if he wasn't an Ackerman. Instead, the sharp pain and the sharp sting spread on his cheek. And his hand reached for the skin, rubbing gently the pain away.
"You're the last person who should be going after her right now!" Hange growled. Nathalie wasn't just a friend. She was like a little sister to her. She'd be damned if she stood back and watched whilst Levi treated her like this.
"I'm her husband!" Levi spat and glared at her.
"And what's that supposed to mean?! Does that mean you own her?!" Hange growled. "You insensitive fuck, you're trespassing her freedom," Hange spat. He'd never seen her angrier. She grabbed him by the shirt and tugged him closer, threateningly. "You should be treating her like a princess, not like some object you bought in a market. She has feelings. She has opinions and you should be counting them higher than anything fucking else-"
"Shut your fucking mouth!" Levi growled as he grabbed Hange's hands and he pushed them away from his shirt with a rough jerk. "I know I fucked up, you don't have to shove it right onto my face!"
"Alright, you wanna face her?! You better grab a second horse so that she can ride on her own," Hange stood her ground and he found that she was right. She was indeed right about that. He had indeed stolen all consents from her. All freedom. All chances for her to decide for herself.
Levi sighed, releasing his anger and the tension. "Erwin's horse is missing. She's already got one," He reasoned.
"Then, go! What the hell are you still doing here?!"
●▬▬▬▬▬๑۩۞۩๑▬▬▬▬▬●
Blood had slipped out of her lips and it had drenched the papers of her notebook. Her glasses were resting nearby. Her cheek pressed against the smooth surface of the lab counter beneath her. Her hand held a bloody handkerchief between her fingers. The once white fabric was now stained in red, and he knew. He knew she had tried it again, and he knew she had tried it because she was hurt. And she was hurt because of him.
She was alone in the lab when he got there. The crew of scientists, Hange and Moblit would be resting for the weekend under Erwin's strict orders, but she… his Nathalie had chosen to harm herself. She deserved it, though. She deserved it because she had cheated on him the night before. She had betrayed her husband.
Oh, but he had betrayed her as well.
Of course, he didn't know. She wasn't planning to tell him. She was too frightened of how he'd react. Of how he'd punish her for it. And now there she was. Her skin pale white. She had passed out on the lab counter when he found her. She was right there, with blood seeping out of her mouth. Droplets of blood that had dried off beneath her nostrils. Her skin was cold to the touch, and Levi was terrified. He was terrified to see how far she had taken it this time.
He pressed his thumb at the base of her wrist, searching for a pulse. He was relieved to have found one. He sighed. His shoulders slightly relaxed. Levi sat beside her on the bench. How was he supposed to approach her? He hadn't slept that night. How could he? He couldn't sleep without her by his side. He couldn't sleep without the weight of her head on his chest. Without the warmth of her body enveloping his own. He couldn't sleep without his arms around her.
But there she was, hurting herself, and finding solace in that. It was his fault. He knew it all too well. He was failing as a husband. He was failing as a lover. He was failing as a friend. He was just not good with any of these. He should have just stuck up with murdering people in the Underground. At least, that was one thing he was good at. Maybe he had more things in common with Kenny than he had realised.
His hand found her cheek. His fingers almost trembled, as if he was touching her for the first time. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want to have her looking at him the same way she had last night. With that same disgust and sorrow and terror. He'd never get that look out of his mind. He would never be able to forget it. But she started to slowly stir.
Nathalie drew in a deep breath but she only ended up coughing. She coughed hard. Her throat ached and burned from the intensity of it. Levi hurried close and he pressed his own handkerchief to her mouth. Nathalie coughed hard against it, spitting out blood and pieces of tissue. Her hands reached for his own. Fingers dug onto his sleeve as she braced herself. He hated watching her. He hated watching how weak and hurt he had made her. It was his fault. He knew it. And he hated himself for that.
When she was done, she ended up breathless, and helpless pressing her forehead on his shoulder. His arms slipped around her and he brought her limp body close. He took off his jacket and he wrapped it around her. A desperate effort to restore her body temperature. But he was only reminding her how much she needed him.
She was helpless, wasn't she? She did not need freedom. She did not need a damned promotion, nor her own squad, nor the title of a doctor. She did not need any of that. She needed one thing, and that was him. She was so dependent on this man. So damn in love, she'd let him take it all from her. All her freedom, all her consents. Body, mind and soul. She loved him so much, she'd give it all, and she'd deliberately keep herself oblivious to his faults.
But she had betrayed him. She was wetting his shoulder before she even knew it. How could he still be there for her? To hold her, and comfort her, and look after her? How could he still be there after what she had done? She felt guilt. She felt regret. But she knew he didn't know. Was she supposed to tell him? If so, then how? She had cheated on her husband and she had done it deliberately to hurt him because he had hurt her as well.
She didn't have to strike back. She didn't have to do this. Nathalie wept against his shoulder. She stained his white shirt with the blood that spilled from her nose, but she could barely care about this now. She wanted to apologise.
"I'm sorry, Nat," Levi was faster though. He pulled back and he looked at her. He wiped away her tears and the blood off her lips and nose with his handkerchief. "You were right. I am a selfish bastard. I didn't think of you. I didn't think about how you would feel," He pressed his forehead against her own. "But you were also wrong. I care about you. I love you so damn much. I can't live without you, don't you understand?!" His hands tightened around her. It took so much of his heart and courage, and ego to say that out loud, but she only cried harder and it made him wonder what the hell it was that he had said wrong.
"I'm so sorry," She said, catching him off guard entirely. What the hell was she talking about? "I- I did something terrible last night… I wanted to hurt you… because it felt like… you treated me like I meant nothing to you!" She smacked his chest, but she knew that wouldn't hurt him. "And that… that just hurt so damn much, Levi!" She burst. The tears streamed down her cheeks, but he wiped them away immediately with his lips. He kissed her cheeks, her chin, her lips.
How could she think of that? "I don't care what you did. You don't have to say it," He didn't want to know. He had hurt her, she had hurt him, they were even. He didn't care what that was. She could have made out with Erwin, for all he cared. In the end, he always knew, it was him that she had chosen. It was him that she had married. She was his. "I just want you to be safe. I just want you to let me hold you, touch you, kiss you. That's all I want, Nat,"
She buried her face in his neck, seeking for that consolation. The warmth, the comfort, the reassurance that only he could make her feel. She shut her eyes, pushing a few more tears down her cheeks. She was so tired. Her body felt so weak, and dizzy, but he held her, and she found herself clutching on him with the little strength that she had. She breathed him in and the tight hold of his arms around her soothed her. She tried to forget what had happened last night. He said he didn't care what she had done. That was enough for her.
Levi buried his face in her hair, and he shut his eyes. He filled his nostrils with her scent and he sighed, bringing her closer. "I don't care whether you… you want to use me," She started. "I don't care how possessive you can be. Or how much of my freedom you want to steal," Nathalie pulled back to look at him, and she pressed her forehead against his own. "You can have it all, I don't care-"
He cut her. He didn't want to hear it. "Nat-"
"But I can't handle the thought that… don't I mean a- anything to you?" Her voice cracked. Another tear slipped down her cheek. She caught his shirt tightly in her fingers, clinging onto him like a scared child. "What am I to you? An obsession? A property? An object? At least tell me that much,"
He gritted his teeth. What was he supposed to answer? The truth? He had so much to say, but he never was one to run away from the truth. He couldn't lie to her. She always knew if he did, just like he always knew when she did.
"Everything," He answered. It was the only word closest to what he had in mind. But her eyes widened slightly, and he knew she was expecting him to say more. "An obsession, a property, my wife, my love, my friend, my partner in life, my sanity. You're everything, Nat. I have nothing without you,"
That was all that she needed to hear. That was all that he had to tell her. Let it be. Let him be obsessed and desperate and terrified. Let this relationship be as toxic and as unhealthy as it gets. She kissed him and he tasted her blood on her tongue and it terrified him. But he kissed her back and his hands only tightened around her. She found his hair, and he shuddered. Her soft fingers slipped within the raven messy strands and he pulled back to let her breathe.
She buried her face back in his neck and he held her tight pressing kisses on her temple, her cheek, her cheekbone. "I want a baby too," Nathalie admitted against his neck as she shut her eyes and felt him as he supported his warm jacket around her. "But you should talk to me first. We're married. We're supposed to talk. I want you to talk to me, whatever it is that troubles you, just talk to me, I won't judge you, I'm your wife,"
How was he supposed to explain that it was just so damn difficult to talk? So simple, yet so hard, and that was exactly why it was so difficult to open up. But it was her. His Nathalie, and he should talk to his Nathalie, and he should consider her opinion, because Hange was right. He was her husband, and she was his wife, but that didn't mean he owned her. At least, if he indeed owned her, then that meant that she owned him too.
"I will, from now on, I promise," He whispered reassuringly against her hair.
She smacked his chest. "And don't you ever force yourself on me!" She cried out. She pressed her forehead against his chest and she thought of last night, and at how terrified she had been. How tightly he was holding her, and how suffocating it had all felt. "Please… it's terrifying,"
"I'm so sorry, baby," He buried his face in her hair and he shut his eyes in regret. He only wished he could go back and change what had happened a few hours back. "I didn't mean to scare you. I'm so sorry,"
It sounded so nice. So soothing coming from him. Nathalie sighed against his skin and she clutched onto him, needily. She finally calmed down. She stopped crying. The sobs eased down and she just shut her eyes and clung onto him. She needed this man. She needed him as much as he needed her. She had betrayed him last night. How was she supposed to face Erwin after this? She had no idea. She couldn't think about this now. She was so tired. Nathalie just shut her eyes and allowed her husband to hold her. She allowed the exhaustion and the blood loss to take over her.
"I love you so much," Levi whispered against her ear. He couldn't believe that she actually thought that she meant nothing to him. That he thought nothing of her. "I love you so damn much, don't you ever think like that," His hand found her cheek, cupping gently as he pulled back to look at her.
She didn't look well. Her body felt limp in his arms. He could tell she was dizzy by the way she stopped clinging onto him and she struggled to keep her eyes open. Her face leaned on his hand tiredly. He scanned the lab with one brief, alarmed look, and he spotted the serums that rested nearby. He turned his attention back at her. He guided her to lean her forehead against his shoulder and he pressed a kiss on her temple.
"You're gonna be alright, baby,"
●▬▬▬▬▬๑۩۞۩๑▬▬▬▬▬●
It was still early in the morning when they returned back to the Survey Corps HQ. The halls were still empty, and he guessed the officers were still sleeping. It was time they did the same. Nathalie was in no condition to ride a horse, but he brought both horses back to the stables of the headquarters, and he carried her back to their room. Her body was limp in his arms, but she had nuzzled in his neck in the entirety of their small journey.
He pushed the door closed with his back, and he placed her gently down on her side of their bed. Levi took off her boots and placed them nearby on the floor. He brought her gown to put her into it, but she seemed livelier when he returned back to her. The serum must have worked.
Nathalie gave him a smile and she sat by the edge of their bed. She took the gown from his hands. "Thanks, sweetie," Her hands reached for her shirt and she started unbuttoning it.
He caught her chin, urging her to look up at him. "Are you feeling any better?" He asked worriedly.
She gave him a reassuring smile. "I am. No worries,"
Levi let out a sigh of relief and he leaned down, pressing a kiss on her forehead. "Please don't ever do that again," He let go of her chin, and he allowed her to get undressed, and dressed into her comfortable gown.
"Well, I came up with some pretty interesting stuff," Nathalie said.
"We have a meeting tomorrow morning. I'm sure Erwin and Hange would love to hear it," Levi said and Nathalie slightly tensed up. She had forgotten about that meeting. They were going to revise the plan, and Erwin was going to be there. Nathalie bit her tongue.
But for now, she tried not to think about this. They didn't have anything else to do for the next few hours, so they should at least try and get some rest. He untied the clumsily tied ascot, and he took off his jacket and his shirt. The two of them lied down on their bed and beneath the bedsheets.
Nathalie was clinging onto him before he even knew it. His one arm slipped around her waist, keeping her body pressed against his own. She buried her face on his chest. Her nose tickled his neck and he rested his cheek on her hair. He pressed a kiss on her temple, her forehead, her nose. Nathalie giggled and it made his heart skip a beat. He had missed her. It had only been a few hours without her, but he had still missed her.
He couldn't help staring at her as she closed her eyes and she peacefully slept on his chest. His calloused thumb rubbed gentle circles on her exposed shoulder. Her hair spread messily on his skin. Her soft breaths brushed down on his neck and no matter how tired, he didn't want to close his eyes. She was so beautiful. So perfect.
She could listen to his heartbeat beneath her ear. It soothed her. She had slipped into the sweet unconsciousness before she even knew it. The mission to retake Wall Maria was in less than two days, and he was terrified. He had no right to keep her from coming, but he just wanted to cling onto this moment for as long as he could.
He just stared at her helplessly. His Nathalie. He was so desperate before, but he was glad that his Nathalie forgave easily. Even after what he had done to her, she was still there, in his arms. She loved him. He loved her.
Obsessively.