A/N Important Note: Chronologically, this chapter continues from chapter 14. The previous two chapters were past events and now we are back in the present. We return to the company after they have left Lothering. Enjoy.
Chapter 17: The First Nightmares
With the dark sky to the back, the dragon stood on the precipice. Its scales covered in taint as it gave out deafening screeches. Its large head turned from one direction to another, until it noticed Alvar. Alvar stood below the cliff, his deep blue eyes wide in horror at the sight before him. The dragon returned the stare, its malicious eyes transfixed Alvar. And then it spread its enormous wings and flapping them, it landed in front of Alvar. He was still transfixed by the dragon. The dragon then bent its head towards Alvar and gave out an ear shattering screech.
At this point, Alvar gave out a cry and drew his sword, but he saw no dragon. He blinked a few times and looked around, he was inside his tent in his campsite in the woods. He himself sat on his bedroll, his sword was drawn in his right hand and his breathing was heavy. He breathed a sigh of relief, on realising it was a nightmare. But having lost his sleep, he decided to get up and go out. Perhaps take the next watch.
He looked around once he was outside, to see Alistair sitting on a log near a fireplace a few yards away, holding the first watch. Leliana and Sten had also emerged from their tents mayhap roused by his scream. Even Morrigan who had pitched her tent further away from the main campsite too was peeking, while standing near her own fire. All of them stared at Alvar, except Alistair all of them had surprised expressions.
"Bad dreams?" Alistair remarked as Alvar slowly approached the fireplace.
Alvar took a few deep breaths to steady himself, "Yes," he answered softly, "But it seemed so real!"
"You saw the dragon, didn't you?"
"How do you know?"
"It is the Joining, the potion we drank binds us to them," answered Alistair, "The nightmares are one of the effects of the Joining. Seeing the Archdemon there is how we know it is a real blight."
"So, the dragon was the archdemon then," stated Alvar. "And are the nightmares a frequent thing?"
"Yes, to both," nodded Alistair, "They occur quite often to new Wardens and over a period of time you will eventually learn to block the nightmares. But during blights, the nightmares are more frequent."
As Alvar and Alistair talked, the others slowly went back to their tents.
"Have you learnt to block the nightmares?"
"Not yet, I have been a Grey Warden for only six months. It takes much more than that, and now with the blight happening, there will be more of those nightmares."
Alvar yawned and stretched, he then brushed his armour. Although he did not show it, Alistair's words 'the potion we drank binds us to them' and 'nightmares are one of the effects of the Joining' greatly concerned him. He was desperate to know what he meant and what other effects does the Joining have.
Alvar stood near the log, "This Joining, any other effects I should know of?" he questioned.
"Well, you get hungry more often and you eat a lot," Alistair answered casually.
"Eh, I did not feel any increase in my appetite," Alvar shrugged.
"Oh, is that so?" Alistair laughed, "Then who ate four loaves of bread and half a barrel of porridge for breakfast huh? And don't even get me started on the cheese you polished off."
Alvar was flustered, "I guess I was quite hungry from all the traveling in the Hinterlands. And as for cheese…. I love cheese."
"You love cheese!" Alistair was delighted, "So do I. Splendid, now there is one thing we can talk about without you getting angry and cursing everyone." He laughed saying this.
Alvar shook his head, "we shall talk about that later," he said with annoyance in his tone, "There are other things I want to know."
"Ask away,"
"The taint binds us to them, you said," Alvar's tone became serious, "What do you mean by that?"
Alistair hesitated for a moment before deciding to answer, "The taint is what connects all the darkspawn to one another. When we take the taint, we can tap into their hive mind. Thus, we can sense where they are. That is how the Grey Wardens sense darkspawn presence."
"That is how we get to know where they are coming!" he said excitedly, "And that's how we slay those beasts. We use their own taint against them."
Alvar was getting annoyed, "Just tell me, what other changes result from the Joining." He demanded.
After some more hesitation, Alistair slowly answered, "There are some more things. You see, the taint…. it reduces your fertility. It makes it very difficult to have children."
Alvar was taken aback at the words, "What do you mean? I will not have children anymore?"
"I mean, your fertility will be reduced," answered Alistair, "I think it becomes very difficult to conceive, but all the wardens I know who are fathers had children before taking the Joining. I have not heard of any Warden becoming a father after taking the Joining."
Alvar was horrified at this discovery, he tried his best to hide it but to little avail. He felt cold sweat at the back of his head.
"Anything else?" he asked trying to hide the uneasiness in his voice.
"Yes," nodded Alistair, "Surviving the Joining doesn't really mean you are immune to the darkspawn taint. It is only a delayed death, the taint will spread slowly in your body; over a long period of time which is usually thirty years or so. Then you will begin to hear your calling."
Alvar looked dumbfounded, "What is that?"
"Well, as Grey Wardens get older, their resistance to the taint starts reducing," answered Alistair, "Eventually, the taint will overcome the body and the result… will not be pleasant."
"What will happen then?!"
"The Grey Warden's body slowly starts decaying. The skin on various parts of the body starts to look like a nasty rash. Eventually, the Warden becomes a ghoul, a mindless mockery of the former self. More akin to the darkspawn.
"The calling is basically a series of nightmares and bad omens, Duncan said you will get to know when your time comes. It is the sign that our time has come and when the Grey wardens hear their calling, they go to the Deep Roads. There, they make their last stand, hoping to kill many darkspawn before being overwhelmed."
"Why?" asked Alvar.
"So that they may die in battle, killing as many darkspawn as they can rather than become a ghoul," answered Alistair, "As for the Deep Roads, they are filled with darkspawn hence, you can certainly find innumerable darkspawn there."
Alvar felt cold sweat at the back of his head, "It… takes thirty years for the calling, eh?"
"Yes, but for some it is even lesser, it all depends on the willpower and vitality of the person," Alistair answered sadly, "Such is the price we pay to become what we are, Duncan used to say that. In fact, he once confided with me that he had started seeing his own calling, he…"
The new information struck Alvar like a lightning bolt, he had stopped listening to Alistair's words as soon as he had his query was answered. Many things he heard about the Grey Wardens now came to his mind. He understood now why no Warden ever retired and died of old age. But more importantly, he understood now why the Grey Warden ranks were filled with criminals and thugs from the society. Because who in their right mind would ever wish to join such a wretched order? He thought.
Fear and despair filled him as everything he knows about the Grey Wardens came to his mind. He looked at both his hands, his hands trembled as he thought about the darkspawn blood coursing through his veins. The true extent of the Joining dawned upon him now, 'those who survive will forever be changed', he remembered Duncan's words. He had hoped that nothing more would happen even though he knew how foolish it would be to hope for such and he would be able to forget about it but no, he was now permanently bound to the darkspawn.
In despair and anguish, many of his past memories came to his mind. He shuddered as he realised how he had traded his future when he agreed to join the Grey Wardens. Earlier he was the son of one of the most exalted noble houses in the country, he was heir apparent to a wealthy province, many people noble and commoner alike looked at him in admiration. But now? He was nothing more than a tainted creature, who was now condemned to spend the rest of his shortened life fighting darkspawn. He was degraded into an existence little better than the darkspawn, even a peaceful sleep seemed a luxury.
Duncan had heaped such humiliation and degradation on him; he was robbed of his life and future. Alvar clenched his fists and gritted his teeth in rage, but unfortunately for him Duncan was now dead. If he still lived, Alvar knew not what he would do to him. Alvar turned to face Alistair, the only Grey Warden with him and a disciple of Duncan.
"You bastard!" he hissed, "You misbegotten mongrel! What have you done to me!"
Alistair took a deep breath and sighed, he had expected an outburst so he readied himself.
"You have deceived me, you and your master Duncan!" Alvar lashed out, "You kept all this information from me, you lied to me!"
"Well, if we said it all before, how willing would you be to join our order?"
"How willing?! You mangy cur! I have never wanted to join the Grey Warden order!" yelled Alvar, "I still don't want to. I was lied and coerced into joining! Deceived by your master! The one whom you can't stop whining about. He must be so pleased now seeing me in pain!
"Maker! I hope the darkspawn made a repugnant meal out of Duncan's worthless hide. I hope his soul if he had one, is tormented in the void for all eternity!"
"Hey, don't say that," protested Alistair, "He did not like what he did and he has said this multiple times."
"So? what does that matter?!" yelled Alvar, "Will I get my life back just because he shed a few tears while snatching it from me?! Will I get back my future which he robbed from me?! Will I?!"
Alistair stood silent, having expected the outburst from Alvar. He spoke calmly, "Alvar, please listen, I am sorry that we had to resort to such trickery. So was Duncan. He wished there was another way but sadly there was none, this is the price we pay for what we become. This is the sacrifice we make so that we can keep vigilance against the darkspawn. This is why the Maker smiles sadly on us for no sacrifice is greater than ours."
Alvar raised a hand to stop him, "I fail to understand, why must I do this sacrifice?!" he demanded, "I do not know what kind of a life you had before, that joining this order of wretched taint guzzling beasts seems like the best thing ever. But I have never asked for this sacrifice, I have never wanted to join this wretched order!"
"We do not always get what we want," Alistair said softly.
Alvar rolled his eyes, he felt making Alistair understand his views on the Grey Wardens to Alistair was like talking to a brick wall. "Also, what is the use of your sacrifice?!" snapped Alvar, "Name one good thing that comes from the Joining process!"
"Well, we get to fight darkspawn," on seeing Alvar's sceptic face, he clarified, "I mean, we get to fight them more effectively, we can sense their approach, thus fight them better than others."
Alvar was not sure of how useful was such a skill, sure they would make excellent scouts. But having a military order full of scouts? Why would so many scouts be needed? And the way of creating this 'order full of scouts', is it worth the numerous lives they needlessly take? pondered Alvar, but no matter what he just could not understand the Grey Wardens' way of operation and their purpose. And the more he heard about them, the more he felt them unnecessary and regretted his decisions in Ostagar. He now strongly believed that there was more harm in joining the Grey Wardens than the benefits.
"But look, we have a new duty now Alvar, we are the only ones now responsible to protect Ferelden from the blight. Duncan has…."
Alvar was losing his patience and his already anguished mind did not help. Was Alistair too stupid or was he heavily manipulated by Duncan to deliberately ignore the massive harms of the Grey Wardens, he could not tell.
"Listen here, you son of a nameless dog!" Alvar growled, "Give thanks to the Maker that I am in desperate need of allies, because mark my words I would have killed you by now. Duncan has escaped my wrath but his bootlick is still here.
"But if you are desperate to join Duncan, then continue ranting on about my new duty. I will not think twice if I have to send you headless to your precious master!"
Alistair fell silent, seeing Alvar's raging eyes he knew the man would not hesitate to do what he just declared. Alvar looked around. Their loud arguments had brought attention. Sten and Leliana were standing outside their respective tents and watching the two of them.
"Now leave me be!" declared Alvar and he turned around from the fireplace, to walk away.
"Where are you going?" asked Leliana.
"Anywhere I want!" yelled Alvar as he walked, "If any of you follow me, I will take your head!" he thundered as he walked.
Alvar paced a few steps from the fireplace and nearing some trees, he stopped. He put both his hands on his head and slumped on his knees. The terrible truth that he was now a tainted creature more akin to the darkspawn than the noble gentleman as before struck him hard. There was nothing more in his heart but self-pity for himself and hatred for those who rendered him such. Filled with anguish and pain, he wanted to scream and cry about his lamentations but he could not. Not when so many others were watching him. His pride prevented him from venting out his grief.
Alvar drew out his poniard from his belt and stared at the fine blade. He sat on his knees, staring at the blade for some time. Several fond memories of the past filled his mind. Memories of playing polo with his closest friends, the various balls he had attended where young noblewomen would be desperate to dance with him. His marriage with Sancia which were some of the happiest days of his life.
As he remembered Sancia, another thing came to his mind. The taint makes it difficult to have children. Alvar despaired as he wondered how he would tell Sancia that their dreams of a family may never become true. He may never be able to provide her the joys of parenthood. The poniard in his hand started seeming more useful now. He brought it closer to his body. But as soon as the blade touched his breast, he stopped.
'What am I doing?' he asked himself and on seeing the blade touching his breast, he felt shame on himself, he took it away, 'Maker, I cannot believe this. What am I doing? Grandfather Fearchar did not raise a quitter. He would be so ashamed if he got to know about this.' In addition, he himself felt ashamed as his mind started becoming lucid.
'If anyone is to die, it must be the bastards who wronged me, not myself!' Alvar mentally chastised himself. As Alvar thought about what he was about to do now, he felt guilt and shame. He cursed himself for even entertaining such thoughts. He then made up his mind. Duncan and Cailan are dead and away from his reach but Howe and Loghain are still alive. This also meant one more thing, Loghain and Howe will have to suffer for Duncan and Cailan as well and he will make sure they do.
Alvar then swore to himself that before his time is done, he would make Loghain and Howe suffer. He will not leave the world with unfinished business. Thus, he sheathed his poniard back in his belt.
A/N: Thank you Justjoe and Arcane Warrior 2012 for your reviews and encouragement.