A/N-While writing this story, I always had Han in the back of my mind saying, "That's not how the Force works!" I admit, I'm not steeped in Force knowledge. I tried to do as much research as possible, but it only took me so far. In the end, I decided the story being told was more important than lore accuracy. I have, however, tried to make the bond capabilities as consistent as possible throughout the fic, even if they don't exactly line up with existing knowledge of how Force bonds (and the dyad) work. So if there really are moments where "that's not how the Force works," just know I did it all in the name of character development. If Ben and Rey could share thoughts with each other, the path they take would be far shorter and easier. For this journey, the difficult path is the necessary path.

Content warnings listed at the end of the chapter.

"Killing Han tore me apart." His voice broke at the end. Ben bit the inside of his cheek to keep an embarrassing wobble from his lip. Saying it out loud was far more agonizing than he expected. It was an admission laid bare. Rey stared at him in a way he couldn't decipher. He felt exposed. He needed to hide. He pressed his hands against his eyes again. [shame, guilt] Ben automatically brought up the barrier that had slipped, though he almost didn't care anymore what she knew.

After a moment, Rey said, "I told you once that I'd help you. Let me help."

A heavy feeling built in his chest at the time and opportunities he'd thrown away by not accepting her offer on the Supremacy. He tried and failed to process the one she'd just given him before he lowered his hands and looked at her. "I can't ask that of you. You don't want to know what's going on in here right now," he said wearily as he pointed at his head.

"I do," she refuted. "Let me in, Ben. Please." It was a plaintive request. He could hear the desperation in her voice. Rey looked at him with that undeniable compassion that made him want to believe there was more good in the universe than bad. Ben wanted to open the bond to her. He'd wanted it since he boarded the Falcon. He'd wanted it for months. But he was afraid of letting her in when his mind was in such a chaotic state. He was afraid of what she'd feel. He was afraid of what it would reveal to her. As he wavered, Rey looked more and more uncertain.

Until a sudden determination crossed her face. She set her jaw and held his gaze before [assurance, acceptance, help] made their way through the barrier he kept in place.

When her emotions and intent traversed the bond, Ben reeled at the conviction of them. Despite the wall on his side, he could feel the strength of what she'd telegraphed. Astonished, he looked at Rey as if seeing her for the first time. She'd opened her side of the bond to him. The sentiments he felt were honest and untainted by even a hint of selfishness. A different sort of heaviness grew in his chest. It was… Ben didn't know what it was. But Rey was offering him a safe harbor in which he might be able to put down an anchor. He swallowed against the growing pain in his heart as he nodded to himself. Afraid of how she might react to the unbridled depths of his despair and guilt, he worked his jaw and dropped his side of the barrier.

Rey looked as if she'd taken a physical blow. Her eyes shot wide as she stared at him. [disbelief, sorrow] The sentiments were hers, not his, and he could feel the distress in them. Ben's heart dropped to his stomach. He was suddenly afraid of the intensity of his emotions and what they would do to her. Panicking, he rushed to block his side of the bond.

"No, Ben, please!" Rey scrambled halfway to her feet as if she wanted to move closer. Ben was confused. She looked… desperate. "Don't hide it from me." She was pleading with him. He just stared at her. Why would she want this? "Just… just give me a moment to adjust, okay?" He swallowed again. He was afraid. But when he looked into her eyes, they were earnest and betrayed no lie as she forced [trust] through the connection. He worked his jaw. Admonishing himself for initially dropping his barrier in its entirety, he opened his side of the bond by only a bit.

After a sharp breath, Rey closed her eyes as she returned to a sitting position against the wall. Ben watched closely as lines of discomfort etched across her face. She looked like she was struggling. He intended to pull the barrier up again before he felt her urge of [patience]. She emphasized it with a "wait" gesture of her hand. Ben felt a lump in his throat. He was moved by her desire to understand him, and he wanted to help. He tried to calm his own mind, to lower the intensity of the emotions she was experiencing. [assistance] He began one of his breathing exercises, deliberate and steady. He watched her, noticing a slight curl at the corner of her lips. He felt a light flutter in his chest at the expression. Though Rey's breaths had been quick and shallow, they slowed to a deep unwavering rhythm. Ben lost himself in her serenity and the sensation of their bond.

For a moment, fascination overshadowed his distress. As he watched her calm face, he reached into the Force to examine the connection they shared. Ben never had the opportunity to study it in the chaotic days before Crait, and his research in the months since yielded precious little. They shared a Force bond, but it was unlike any he'd read about. He prodded her side with curiosity.

They hadn't completely dropped the barriers between them. But instead of a solid wall, he found something akin to a permeable membrane. Though obscured, he felt Rey behind it. The sensations that traversed the bond from her side were alien and familiar all at once. Most were faint echoes of emotion that hid themselves from him. Others stood out strong and clear as if they could be his own. Like an ocean that hid its vast wealth of secrets beneath turbulent waves, only the barest surface level of her mind revealed itself to him. He sensed her intent to help, her undeniable compassion and warmth. He felt another flicker of affection for the woman sitting in front of him. Reassured that she wasn't privy to every emotion and thought in his head, a renewed ache settled in his chest as he set his jaw and focused on his breathing.

After a moment, she opened her eyes and smiled in assurance. [gratitude] Gratitude? Why was she thankful? He still didn't understand the value this held for her. [confusion, frustration] "Why do you want to help me?" It came out harsher than he intended. Something in him wanted to be angry, not at her but at himself. "I'm a monster, remember? You said so yourself. You said it after I- after I killed Han," he said, his voice and anger diminishing with the end of the sentence. Ben felt the fight leave his body as a powerful weariness settled in his heart. He was so damn tired.

Something flickered across Rey's face before, [empathy, negation] "Ben. You're not a monster." She said it in a quiet voice as if unsure, but the emotions sent to him through the bond said otherwise.

[disagreement] Ben shook his head against the certainty she felt. He couldn't look at her. "I killed my own father. How could I be anything but that?"

"Ben," [conviction] "people… people change. You've changed." He looked back at Rey, her eyes shining with something incandescent. "You're not the same man I met eight months ago. You abandoned the position of Supreme Leader. You defected from the First Order. You're passing on information that could be vital to saving the lives of countless people. YOU made those choices.

"You didn't need-" Rey suddenly pulled up short as she chewed her lip. She dropped her gaze to her hands for a moment before looking back at him. The fire had left her voice. "You did all those things on your own. You had all the power you ever wanted, and you gave it up. You-"

[exasperation] "I didn't want power!" Ben shouted. Rey looked taken aback by his sudden outburst. "I only wanted-" The words caught in his throat. What did he want? He wanted… belonging. Acceptance. A chance at having something for himself just once in his miserable existence. But that was then. He knew now that the Force never intended him for greatness or even simple happiness. He was always destined for inadequacy. He failed at being the son his parents wanted. He failed at being a Jedi. He failed at living up to the legacy of Darth Vader. He failed at being a competent ruler. If his experiences in life had taught him anything, it was that he had no worth, and he had nothing to offer or give. To the galaxy. To his mother. To the woman sitting in front of him… Ben shook the thought away.

Rey broke the silence when she said quietly, "Why did you reach out to me?"

Because I don't know what I want anymore. Feeling drained, Ben rubbed his eyes and said, "It's what I told you. I came up with this 'plan' to get as much information as I could to the Resistance before it became as worthless as…" me.

[confirmation] It vanished from the bond. Confused, he looked at Rey as something unreadable passed behind her eyes. She looked tense, and Ben couldn't understand why. Unnerved, he continued, "You were the only person that could help me get it to the right people. Or, I hoped, the only person who wouldn't outright kill me on sight." Ben's mind flicked to Rey pulling a blaster on him three days ago. Close enough, he thought with a resigned sigh. "I'm giving everything I have to the Resistance. Whether they choose to believe me is out of my hands."

"Ben, you're trying." [encouragement] "That has to count for something."

Ben eyed her for a moment before saying in a flat voice, "No, it doesn't." When he didn't elaborate, Rey stared at him with an expectant expression. Ben sighed and hung his head. [defeat] "Do you really want to know why I left?" He looked back at her. "It was for purely selfish reasons. For the first time in many, many years, I was able to take a step back with a clear head and look at what I'd done. After I came to realize the extent of my crimes, I tried to reverse some of the suffering I'd created. I thought I could use the First Order to enact positive progress." [self-reproach] "I was a fool for thinking it was even possible. Hux's sway over the military is admittedly impressive; I never had a hope of turning them to my side. And creating institutional change in an organization as massive as the First Order was never going to be anything but an impossible undertaking…" Ben trailed off into sullen silence.

After a moment, Rey said, "Those don't sound like selfish reasons, Ben." [consolation, support]

He touched his head to the wall as he stared at the ceiling. Tears stung the corners of his eyes. He was starting to feel untethered. Pain shot through his teeth as he worked his jaw. Ben forced himself to look her in the eye. He confessed in a voice laced with helplessness, "I left because I gave up, Rey. That's it. That's all it was. I failed at actually trying to do good with the First Order. I didn't leave so I could continue a pointless crusade for 'redemption.'" Ben made a halfhearted gesture to the ship around them. "This is just my last resort. I don't have any grand plans to atone for my sins. I don't have a path forward from here. I just thought the information I held had some worth to the galaxy. It's the only reason I haven't just killed myself."

Two things happened simultaneously. Ben was surprised that he'd been so forward about such a personal admission, and Rey's face spasmed. An incomprehensible tangle of complex emotion flooded the bond, and Ben felt like the wind had been knocked out of him.

Rey felt as if she'd been dumped into the vacuum of space. Something in her panicked and fought as if her life had been threatened. The bond was a chaotic storm of emotion, and she couldn't distinguish hers from his. Her mind tumbled with thoughts that tripped over themselves in an effort to organize. One managed to rise above the rest.

He's going to kill himself, and you're going to be alone. Panic gripped her until she shrank with a powerful shame. She was despicable and selfish. He wanted to commit suicide, and she was thinking of herself. Yet she couldn't deny the fear she felt at his absence from her life. Eight months of silence was nothing compared to the permanent separation Ben had considered. Though she didn't know what there relationship was, she was desperate to keep the one she somehow managed to have with him. She didn't understand why or how, but his mind was linked with hers. He could understand and connect with her in a way that no one else could. Nothing could be more intimate. In a life that deprived her of so much, she was terrified of losing Ben too.

Dismayed, Rey thought they were making progress. He'd opened his side of the bond to her. She was encouraged when he told her of what he'd tried to do since Crait. His genuine remorse gave her hope that he could find some clemency when he met with Resistance leadership. But her optimism betrayed her again. She'd deluded herself into assuming Ben saw a life beyond the one he'd left behind. He had been so matter-of-fact about what he'd contemplated doing. Rey thought of how she'd nearly killed him just a few days prior. Looking back on that moment, alarms blared with sudden understanding. She remembered his desperation for her to believe him. But there was resignation too. Almost as if she'd decided to pull the trigger, he would've accepted it.

The realization frightened her. More than the others, it was this fear that broke Rey from her silence. She had to make him see that he needed to live. She had to.

"Ben. You're worth more than what you can offer the galaxy."

A moment passed before he replied, "I don't think that's true." [resignation] His tone was bleak, and his shoulders slumped. She'd never seen him this way. She'd always known him as a fierce man who attacked with aggressive action and determination. But there didn't seem to be any fight left in him. An acute fear spiked through her.

[dread] "… What will you do?" Rey's heart lurched when she noticed the tears in his eyes. He dropped his gaze to his hands. A foreboding silence hung heavy in the space between them. He didn't answer her. He wouldn't look at her. When overwhelming guilt and sadness saturated the bond, Rey was thrown into a panic that she knew he could feel too. "Ben!" [anguish] Pain flickered across his face, but he refused to meet her eyes. [shame] mixed with the heady cocktail of emotions that already flooded from his side.

Her mind ran at a frantic pace. She had to do something. She had to say something. She couldn't let him go through with it. He needed to live, didn't he? What about the people who cared about him? What about Leia? Desperate for a solution to a problem that didn't seem to have one, she latched onto the idea. Rey thought she was giving him time to think and decide how to approach his mother. She now felt the necessity to push. She had to say something.

"We need to tell your mother that you've defected. You need to see her," she said in a tight voice. Something weighty and oppressive built in the bond. In her anxious fear, Rey pushed the threat of it away.

"She doesn't want to see me..."

[desperation] "How do you know that?"

[pain, anger] "Because I murdered her husband!" Ben roared. The implosion in the bond was cataclysmic. With a rough sweeping gesture, he used the Force to fling his lightsaber down the corridor. When it clanged into something, Rey flinched as if he'd thrown it at her. He gripped his head in his hands and squeezed his eyes shut. His ragged breathing was the only sound in the corridor.

Rey felt terrified and foolish. She'd said the wrong thing. Why did she think bringing up Leia would help? She was making things worse. She didn't know what she should say or do. She didn't know how to slow her mind enough to think with a clear head. Was he going to do something soon? How much time did she have to stop him? Why hadn't he done anything already? In her urgency to understand him, the question on her mind spilled out before she'd considered whether or not she should ask it.

[desperation, concern, inquiry] "What's stopping you?" Rey winced and hated herself the instant the words left her mouth.

Ben could feel her intent to understand him, but her question was like a blade to the chest. Shame overwhelmed him again. It was one thing to contemplate taking his own life. It was another for someone else to ask about those thoughts. It was embarrassing. He felt weak for considering the option. It felt like giving up. Well it's not as if you have much to show for the life you've lived anyway.

Suddenly deflated, Ben rolled his gaze to the ceiling and answered Rey in a leaden voice. "… I don't know." He really didn't. Was it to draw out his punishment? Was it some primal survival instinct? Or was it some foolish hope that maybe someday things would be better? A hope that one day he could live without fear, guilt, or shame. He'd been in conflict his entire life. Humorlessly, he realized he couldn't even avoid it when he had nothing left to lose.

[hopelessness] "I don't know what I should do from here." He looked at Rey, his eyes begging for an answer she couldn't give. She looked just as adrift as him. He knew she wanted to hear something definitive from him. But what could he say? The truth? That every passing day the guilt became harder and harder to bear? That he just wanted it all to stop? That the galaxy would be a better place without him in it? That he just couldn't see the point in an existence that made him suffer without end? He knew in his heart that he deserved to be punished for what he'd done. And maybe living was the worst kind of penance for him…

But he just wasn't strong enough to endure it.

"I don't have the strength for this," Ben pled pathetically. Tears began to fall, and he cared little for what Rey thought of them. He was unmoored, drifting listless in a sea of guilt, regret, and uncertainty. In the churn, one memory repeatedly rose to the surface to grasp him in its iron hold. He felt the incessant pull of a monster that threatened to drown him, and he refused to fight it.

"I killed Han. I killed him." He choked out the confession through a throat thick with remorse. Tears fell freely as they soaked into his shirt. His heart pounded in his ears. His breathing grew out of control. He couldn't feel his hands or feet anymore. "I killed him. I killed Dad." He spiraled.

[distress]

Ben couldn't tell who sent the emotion through the bond. It didn't matter. He was too far gone. He wasn't conscious of anything outside of the memory that looped without mercy. If a living Hell existed, he'd thrown himself into it.

Kylo's hand twisted. The harsh blood-red of his lightsaber illuminated Han's horrified face. His father's eyes condemned him. His limp body fell from the skyway.

Twist. Red. Eyes. Fall.

Twist! Red! Eyes! Fall!

TWIST! RED! EYES! FALL!

TWIST!RED!EYES!FALL!

[DISTRESS]

It screamed in the bond. He felt a brief moment of clarity and knew that it came from both of them. His awareness of Rey was just enough to give him a toehold. Overwhelmed, he projected blindly in desperate need of relief.

[help]

Rey was by his side. Ben's vision cleared enough to see the tears running down her face and the frantic look in her eyes. She lifted her hands before dropping them again. He knew what she wanted to do. He knew she wanted to touch him, to hold him, to do something to give him comfort. His misery amplified by the knowledge that he was incapable of tolerating it. Ben closed his eyes to shut out Rey's helpless expression. He cried pitifully. What's wrong with me?! He wanted to scream at the universe for being so cruel. Maybe he did. He couldn't tell. He just lost himself to the spiral again.

It was an eternity.

"I killed Han. I killed him." Rey felt something immense and terrible building in the bond. It was like the dread of an oncoming sandstorm when no shelter could be found. As Ben's body began to tremble, her fear for him escalated to the edge of panic. His eyes grew wild and frightened as he cried. He gripped his hair in such tight fists, it looked as if he intended to rip it from his head. "I- killed- him-! I- killed- Dad-!" His words stuttered out in gasps between sobs.

[distress] Rey was horrified. His pain flooded the bond, but it was still only a fraction of what he was experiencing. She could feel his emotions laying siege to the gates of the barrier he still managed to hold in place. They dashed themselves against it with fearsome strength as she floundered to think of a way to help him. The pressure built and built and built.

Until Ben's control failed. When his side of the bond fell wide open, unfiltered torment crashed into her with devastating might. Rey struggled to bear the brunt of the chaos in his head as the air drove itself from her lungs. She felt his guilt, fear, shame, and pain as if they were her own.

"Ben!" She was on her feet. She was crying. She couldn't bear to see him this way. This was her fault. She'd brought up Leia. She asked him why he hadn't killed himself already. What the hell is wrong with you?! Rey felt the agony of guilt stab through her. It was a feedback loop as his pain fed hers, and hers surely fed his. She couldn't let her remorse add to Ben's.

For both their sakes, she almost closed herself off from the bond. But something in her recoiled. It felt like abandoning Ben when he needed help the most. She couldn't do that to him. He was suffering, and she couldn't leave him to bear it alone. She'd caused this, and she needed to make it right. Though her body and mind screamed at the bombardment, she kept her side of the connection open to him.

But what could she do? Her words proved themselves to be detrimental. Ben already made it clear he didn't want her near him. Fear and indecision rooted her to the spot as he hunched inconsolable across from her. She was powerless and worthless. She didn't know what would help him. She couldn't do anything.

[DISTRESS]

Their combined despair punched with overwhelming force. She couldn't take it. She couldn't help him. She couldn't-

[help]

Her body launched across the corridor as her heart pulled itself to Ben. She knelt in front of him and almost reached out before pulling up short. Rey felt torn in two. As desperate as she was to hold him, she knew it would only exacerbate his distress. The heart that helped her close the gap fell at the small space that still separated them. She didn't know what to do. His miserable eyes met hers. It didn't seem possible, but some as yet unbroken thing shattered within them. Rey felt an intense sorrow crest in the bond before it surged into her. Ben's face twisted as he let out a cry of anguish that tore at her very soul. He was the embodiment of pain, and the devastation in the bond was crushing her.

She needed to alleviate her own suffering, or it was going to pull her under too. Rey had to prioritize. Before she could help Ben, she had to diffuse the panic in herself first. She was no good to him if she continued to fixate on his pain. At the thought, she lingered on its suffocating weight again. Before it could drown her, she forced her attention away. She needed to calm.

With a sudden determination that broke through her anxiety, she wiped the tears from her face and sat in front of him. As she rested her hands on her knees, she closed her eyes and tried to slow the thoughts and apprehension in her head.

But she just couldn't do it. The pain from him now was so much worse than it had been before. Despairing, she thought of her troubles with finding serenity in her training. She could never master the art of a quiet mind, and she'd never had such distressing stimuli to distract her either. She couldn't calm herself, let alone free Ben from the grip of his pain. In her distress, words of advice whispered to her.

"Breathe. Just breathe."

It was part of Luke's first lesson. She remembered the peace she was able to find under his direction. The stakes were so much greater, but the principle was the same. She had to breathe. Swallowing past the hollowness Luke's rejection still caused, Rey squared her shoulders and focused on the air moving and in and out of her lungs.

But after a few moments, her breath just wouldn't progress beyond shallow stutters. It was too difficult to find the steady rhythm she needed. Ben's sobs still filled the corridor, and the oppression in the bond wouldn't ease. Rey couldn't focus past the pain. She tried to ignore it, but that became its own all-consuming task. She couldn't push it aside without losing focus on her breathing.

"Balance. Powerful light, powerful darkness."

Rey was fighting so hard to push away the darkness that engulfed the bond, and it achieved nothing. If she wanted to help Ben, maybe she shouldn't try to suppress it. Maybe she shouldn't try to ignore that part of him. She shouldn't diminish his suffering for her sake. Maybe she had to embrace it. Rey hesitated at the idea. She was terrified of what could happen. But his pain was intolerable, and she despaired at what it must feel like for him. That gave her the resolve she needed. Despite her fear, she stopped trying to block out his hurt and guilt and shame.

Ben's agony washed through her unfettered, and she didn't fight as it worked its way into every hidden corner of her. Gripping her knees, Rey hung her head and cried. It hurt so much. She wept not for herself but for the man who tore himself apart in front of her. She could feel the intricacies of his pain. She felt its poisonous impressions of self-loathing and deserving punishment. She felt an unshakable certainty of brokenness. She felt the hopelessness of a lonely soul, lost and unable to find its way.

Something deep within Rey lamented the wrongness of it all. The remorse he felt for his actions was undeniable, and she didn't want further retribution for him. But Ben had sentenced himself to destruction. He'd moved well beyond contrition into self-torture. It was needless and achieved nothing. Yet somehow, the other aspects of his pain seemed almost worse than the punishment he inflicted on himself. They felt tenacious and ingrained in the most malignant ways. Rey didn't want him to feel broken or alone. She felt the need to prove to Ben that these things weren't true.

Though his pain filled her with an intense sorrow that ate at something in her chest, it gave her a point of focus. She thought of Ben helping her with the calm he'd projected when he first opened his side of the bond. He'd breathed for her, so she'd breathe for him. As her chest expanded and contracted, Rey managed to dispel at least some of her anxiousness over the course of several moments. Something that wasn't quite calm followed, but it was enough. Now she needed to bring Ben down too. But how?

Her mind alighted on an entirely different moment when Ben sat across from her. She'd reached out to him in her own distress, and he answered with compassion and warmth. She thought of what he'd given her, what he'd told her. She thought of how these things haunted and hurt her for months. She'd convinced herself that his words were a lie, and that he only wanted to trick her into coming to him. But something in her knew, had always known, that wasn't the case.

Ben had been there for her. She would be here for him.

Rey found guidance in Luke's lesson.

"Reach out with your feelings."

Ben felt the tug of something that arrested his spiral to the depths. As it hauled him from the abyss, an intense warmth radiated inside him. When he broke the surface, he let it fill his lungs like a drowned man saved. He was overwhelmed by a frantic desperation to free himself from the clutches of the monster that had pulled him under. In answer, he felt the warmth surge as if to provide emergency relief. The beast's iron hold relaxed enough for Ben to escape.

He was aware of his surroundings again. Rey sat directly in front of him. Her eyes were closed as she took in even breaths. She wasn't calm. Her cheeks were wet, and he could feel the intense anxiety that rolled off of her. But she was pushing something powerful and soothing into the bond. Whatever it was, Ben's frenzied mind recognized it as the thing that had freed him. He concentrated all of his attention on its warmth. It took him multiple attempts.

[solidarity, truth, understanding, empathy]

Once he was able to focus on it, Ben didn't know how he'd been able to shut it out in the first place. The conviction of what Rey sent him was unimaginable in its intensity. He latched onto it in a desperate attempt to ground himself. He tried to take steadying breaths to match his respiration with hers. They stopped and stuttered and shook. But with Rey's guidance, he felt himself coming down.

When the attack subsided to something manageable, she opened her eyes. They overflowed with sorrow, pain, tears. And compassion.

"You're not alone, Ben."

He felt the truth of it like the warmest of embraces.

A powerful confusion and sadness overwhelmed him. He couldn't look her in the eyes. His hands covered his face, and his cries began anew.

Ben just didn't understand.

CW: Ben admits to having thoughts of suicide. He alternates between feeling both intense shame and intense apathy.

CW: Ben has a severe emotional breakdown due to his guilt. Rey experiences his pain and fear through the bond. Both of them experience helplessness.

A/N-If someone admitted that they were suicidal, I think most people would find themselves emotionally overwhelmed and wouldn't know what to do. They'd be terrified of saying the wrong thing, of making things worse. But talking is the most important thing you could do. Listen to them. Be there for them. Show compassion and empathy. Show them they're not alone. You could be what that person needs.

In the next chapter, Rey struggles to balance her concerns for Ben with her own fears. Thanks again for taking the time to read this story. Comments and kudos are always appreciated :)