Announcement: this is probably going to be the last chapter I upload on FFnet (in English) due to lack of response around here and the time it takes me to upload it here too. Please check archiveofourown where I'm definitely going to keep on uploading the English version of Lawless. I use the same username there!
Thank you so much for the overall reviews and faves... and sorry for the long wait due to life happening and ADHD struggles.
If you see any grammar issue or typo, or anything that you think doesn't translate well enough, feel free to tell me to correct it if you want. I didn't proofread this with any native English speaker before posting it.
LAWLESS
Chapter 23. Girls
Mikasa bit her lower lip. She crossed an arm across her chest and rubbed one of her bare shoulders. She didn't know where to start. Annie's expectant gaze was fixed on her face as the ticking of a ghost clock marched without truce and hummed to her that Eren would show up at any moment. Hiding like a coward inside the huge bronze-plated trunk at the foot of the bed or ignoring Eren wasn't an option. What was worse, making him forget about everything she said and did was impossible.
"Hmm. I'll go get something from my room," Annie mumbled in a bored tone. "Wait here. Don't you dare go anywhere else."
It was during that short period of waiting that Mikasa knew this was her best and perhaps only chance to talk to another girl about the topic. She didn't know Annie very well yet and she could be making a mistake trusting her, but she needed to. She needed to try to be as honest as possible with someone else if what she was looking for was advice and to shed some light on her situation with Eren. This was her first romantic dilemma, after all.
Annie tossed a thick white cotton T-shirt into her lap as soon as she returned.
"So you can put it on top of those scraps of fine cloth that Carly lent you," she said, sitting next to her on the bed. Mikasa thanked her and put on the shirt, relieved the garment covered and was loose on her. "You can return it to me later… And so? Will you talk or do you just need a couple of pats on the back and that's it?"
"I'll talk," Mikasa took a breath and squeezed her eyelids for a bit, recollecting the torrid scenes of her strange and crazy night. "I remember everything, Annie. Everything… that I did," she admitted with a slight shiver.
There were a few seconds of silence.
"I figured it out because of how you reacted when they brought up the idea of going after Jaeger... Do you remember throwing a knife at me?" She asked, raising an inquisitive blond eyebrow.
"It was so you wouldn't run away. I had no intention of hurting you or whoever was there…"
"Bah. If I failed like that, maybe I'd use the same excuse." Annie made a small nonchalant gesture with her hand and, before Mikasa could object, she said, "You remember everything, but did you do it because you wanted to or because Carly's drug put crazy ideas in your head? I mean your thing with Jaeger. I just don't understand the effect."
Mikasa blushed. She swallowed hard. She had to be honest.
"I did it because I wanted to," she muttered without beating around the bush, "It's just that...I said and did things that perhaps I wouldn't have dared to say or do so...soon."
Annie hunched over her, blinking. Her gesture struck her as amusing.
"Don't tell me you just had your first kiss with him last night, on drugs and all…"
"Oh no," she shook her head and brought the cold back of one of her hands to her hot cheeks. "Eren and I kissed for the first time a few days ago."
Despite her slight embarrassment, telling someone like Annie this kind of thing was much less awkward compared to the time Levi questioned her about her relationship with Eren. As if reaffirming that difference, the hint of a smile pulled the corner of her companion's lips, who immediately put a chocolate in her mouth to conceal it.
"This one has coffee cream filling or something. It tastes like coffee." Her pale eyes took a quick glance at the door. "I asked Carly and Hitch to keep your boyfriend in the kitchen. Let's see if that buys you some more time."
Annie usually wore a jaded and apathetic expression that made her look a little older than she actually was, however, now her face looked different, relaxed, and her gaze was more open and lively. The icy blue of her eyes seemed to have taken on a tinge of warmth, to the point it was possible to catch a glimpse of kindness in them.
"Eren isn't my boyfriend, exactly... We..." Mikasa let out a small moan and gently wrung her hands. "The thing is, I don't know if he... I don't know if Eren... He... Ugh! It's just that this whole stuff about having to pretend we're a couple has only made things more complicated." She wiped the sweat from her hands on the sheets. How could she explain it? "Sorry. I'm not making any sense, am I?"
Annie took out another chocolate and savored it, thoughtful. She lay on her side on the bed, resting one elbow and her head against the palm of her hand. Mikasa had never seen her so relaxed in her presence. Her attitude was refreshing to her and somehow it soothed some of her nervousness. She tried to release the tension she had transferred to her shoulders, her neck, and the tiny muscles of her face, especially her forehead and between her eyebrows.
"The idea I can get of what you meant with that babble, is that you and Eren are having issues to define whatever it is that you have and feel."
Mikasa nodded, grateful she made an effort to understand some of what she said.
"That, but also…" She cleared her dry throat.
"There's a glass of water on the nightstand," Annie pointed out.
She took a cool sip and brushed back a strand of black hair that had fallen over one of her eyebrows. Her heart was beating in her ears. She put the glass back on the nightstand and dropped her hands into her lap. Her old sparring partner, with whom she could spend an entire hour throwing kicks, punches, and the occasional insult, was waiting in silence for more revelations about her new, bumpy, short love life. She seemed genuinely interested in what she had to say. She even saw her nod at her, encouraging her to continue, or perhaps she imagined it. Mikasa took a moment to collect her thoughts before explaining in broad strokes that she and Eren had almost met a decade ago. That they exchanged brief glances once through a crack in a door about a year after that failed meeting. She didn't stop to explain the context. She then recounted how she saw him again at the Reiss Palace and what she did to get him out of there. The kidnapping. She had never before repeated her first conversation with Eren out loud, much less had she shared it with anyone. At that time, Kenny was only interested in getting the job done and Levi had concentrated on the task of making it out of the Palace without a scratch, piggybacking the 'brat' they had had to go pick up due to the whims and annoying agreements of their uncle.
"When Eren took off his mask… I felt the blow of all that time that had passed. The only thing I knew about him was his name, and the only memory I had of him was his image as a child looking back at me in a daze, but there… That night I met the adult version of the child I had longed to meet so many years ago and to have as a friend. Maybe it's… a little silly to admit this, but I think a part of me hoped to see that boy again in the Palace. It was as if I was taken by surprise that after a full decade, Eren had already transformed into a man. A tall man… and a very handsome one." She dared to say with flushed cheeks, thinking of the soft touch of Eren's fingers on the ankle that she hadn't sprained, and also the moment in which he put his jacket gentlemanly over her shoulders while they were out in the open on that terrace. Mikasa allowed herself a shy smile in front of Annie. "He was kind to me that night… until he found out that I was an Ackerman and that I had set a trap for him to kidnap him." She added with a faint nervous smile. "He didn't like me at all. Eren despised me, and I guess with good reason."
"I don't know if Kenny, but at least you did what you did with good intentions." Annie said. "And about him despising you and all that, how do you know?"
"Eren took it upon himself to let me know the same night of the kidnapping. He knew about the Ackermans personally…for a long time and, well, he didn't like us one bit."
How was it that he had called them while she still had him tied to that chair? Bunch of killers? Bunch of animals?
"But... I doubt that he continued to despise you much longer after he understood that the point was to protect him, right?" Annie was aware that Grisha Jaeger's death had been orchestrated by Rod Reiss. She knew perfectly well how those who held some form of official power in Paradis took action: the royalty and the nobles, the military police and the judges.
"I think it took him a little while to really understand that."
Nor was it that Kenny had told and explained to Eren the details of his situation from the beginning and with the greatest possible clarity, and Mikasa less so.
"Hmm. The only related thing I remember is Jaeger's cold attitude towards you when you were detained at the Trost police station for the trinkets you stole."
Mikasa made a face.
"He was very upset about it…"
"I also remember that after what happened in that alley, with those guys…" Annie said carefully. A slight shiver ran through Mikasa at the fleeting memory of that unpleasant experience. "He hugged you and didn't let go for a long time."
"He was drunk," she replied right away.
"Drunk or not, he hugged you just the same," Annie snorted. "Hey. You still owe me the bail I paid to release you both from that cell. I didn't even snitch on you with Kenny about the robbery."
"Oh... I'll pay you as soon as I can. With interests for not ratting me out."
"Good. Don't forget about it," Annie said, mindlessly stroking the letters on the box of chocolates.
There was silence. Mikasa ate a bonbon filled with mint cream, her gaze absent as she focused on a memory.
"That time, after he got over his drunkenness... Eren told me that he was glad and relieved that I was okay," she said in a soft whisper.
"Someone who really despises you wouldn't say something like that," Annie underlined, raising her eyebrows. "Showing relief for your well-being shows basic human decency, of course, though I still find it strange that you told me that he supposedly despised you and didn't like you at all, especially if he knew you were the same girl his father wanted him to meet…" She clicked her tongue. "I don't know. At most I think he may have been stunned by the contrast between your before and after, something similar to your own reaction when you saw him at the Reiss Palace."
"I… hadn't thought of it that way," Mikasa admitted. The contrast must have been shocking to him too.
"I mean, anyone would be mad if they were tricked, kidnapped and tied to a chair. It's just that from there to despise you," Annie emphasized the word and shook her head. "I doubt very much that he ever personally despised you as you think. If you really think he did." She sat on the bed, stretching a couple of times the arm she had leaned on. She sighed and pushed the box of chocolates towards Mikasa with a knee. "This thing between you and Eren Jaeger is weird, and at the same time it's not… To be honest, I always wondered why the hell someone like you would agree to pretend to be the lover of a complete 'stranger.'"
"Eren was never... a complete stranger to me," she mumbled with her chest tight, watching the tiny birds that flew over the heads of the people drawn on the lid of the metal box.
More than once, a sweet and almost inaudible echo that came from the depths of her heart had insisted they were destined to meet, Eren and her. It was pretty similar to the feeling of being in the warm home she had lost. A return to a familiar place.
"Sure. And that's something I just found out about. Seems like you're not as deranged as I thought after all." Annie paused and gestured up and down with one hand in her direction. "Or maybe you are. Look at you. You had the brilliant idea to take drugs that make you act brash and impulsive, you passed out during a party full of unknown revelers, and now you're in the bedroom of none other than the old tiresome man of Carly Stratmann."
Mikasa gasped and covered her face with her hands. The drug thing. What she had confessed. She had to talk about it right now!
"Co-Could you hear what I said to Eren?" She asked with her face still hidden. "When you were in that office."
"I couldn't hear almost anything you talked about while you two… Well… Truth is I didn't see much either." Awkwardness was reflected in her voice. "I told you I hid behind one of those thick curtains. From there I heard whispers at most, and when I was trying to escape on all fours, the only thing I focused on was going unnoticed. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible." Annie exhaled, muttering something about how embarrassing that was, and then she asked softly: "What did you tell him that could be so terrible?"
Mikasa flexed her legs against her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She rested her forehead on her knees.
"I told him... I asked him for embarrassing things. And… And before you saw us on the stairs and in the office, I…" She inhaled with tight lungs, feeling her face so hot it burned. "When we were downstairs I confessed to him that I'm in love with him."
"Oh," was all Annie said after a few seconds.
"Yeah... And I shouldn't have done that because... What I tried to explain to you at the beginning and I couldn't, was that I'm still not sure if he... loves me the same way. He never told me about a list of suggestions that we both should have gone through and…" There was a slight lump in her throat. "I wonder if what he does with me is because of that, because things between us began to change around the same time he received that list…"
"List of suggestions on what?"
"On how true lovers behave. Couples. That professor of his wrote it. I don't understand why Eren didn't tell me about it and—"
"Shh!"
She raised her head from her knees, and Annie gave her a quick gesture for silence. Mikasa casted an uneasy glance towards the door.
"I hear the voices of Carly and Hitch in the corridor."
"Do you think he's out there too?"
"Maybe he is. He'll knock any minute now," Annie said, placing a firm hand on her shoulder. "Act as if you still don't remember anything."
Mikasa wasn't sure she could do a good job of it.
"What if I pretend to be asleep?" She asked with her eyes wide open, resting her back on the mattress and covering up to her chin with the bedspread.
Or if she quickly hid under the bed? Jumping out of the window also seemed like a good option.
"He'll try to wake you up. He needs to see you conscious. Didn't you hear what Hitch, Carly and I talked about? He was very worried about you," she said with a meaningful look. Mikasa had heard what they had talked about and she was just starting to get the hang of it. "If he ever despised you, like you said, I think it's pretty obvious he's put all that behind him. I'm no expert on these issues but, beyond the confusion you may have about what's going on between the two of you, it's undeniable that this guy cares a lot about you. So much that he becomes a pain in the ass. Shit, he was exhausting! Some feigned concern wouldn't have exactly the same effect on three different people."
The tickle Mikasa felt in her stomach made her let out a little noise. She rolled over, laying face down on the mattress. She buried her face in the pillow.
"Don't get too comfortable because you'll have to sit down again. He will bring you food."
"I-I'm not hungry," she said, moving and shrinking into a fetal position.
"If you eat you won't have to talk much."
Good point, she thought, twisting the silky sheets between her fingers. Knuckles knocked on the door. Only by the cadence of these she was certain that it was him. Annie stood up and looked at her, pondering something.
"Lie for now. Play dumb. Stay here so we can finish talking in the morning." She whispered before going to attend to the newcomer.
"Has she… woken up yet?" She heard him ask Eren in a low voice. Mikasa pressed her legs to her stomach under the covers.
"A few minutes ago. She's fine but a little disoriented," Annie said at a similar volume. "Need help with that?
"No. Could you just close the door? Thanks."
Eren's footsteps across the room were muffled once his shoes hit the rug around the legs of the bed. Mikasa watched him place the tray of food on a dresser. Turning his back on her, he parted the curtains with one hand, took a brief glance at the nightscape of the city, then closed them properly. His broad shoulders rose and fell in a deep breath before he slowly turned to her.
"Hello," he greeted her gently as he approached the bed at a composed pace, as if he didn't want to frighten her. There was relief in his gaze. He dropped to one knee and brushed the hair away from Mikasa's face with a caress of warm fingers. He kept his hand there, close to her ear, and her stomach tickled as his thumb brushed her cheekbone. "How do you feel?"
Mikasa counted three breaths and exhalations.
"A little… confused," she tried for her voice not to shake, which was difficult when Eren was looking at her with such heed. "W-What was Annie Leonhardt doing here? It was weird seeing her when I woke up… Umm. She told me that I fainted. When did that happen?" She suppressed an ashamed grimace as she said that and prayed she hadn't lacked naturalness.
"About an hour and a half ago," he said with a frown. His hand slid to Mikasa's forehead. "Do you have a headache or something?"
"A bit? Almost nothing. In general I feel weird and… kind of lethargic. My body feels heavy." At least that's how she had felt like when she first woke up around thirty minutes or more ago.
Eren removed his hand from her head. He stood up and grabbed the heavy brass lamp on the nightstand.
"I need to check something. Can you sit up, please?" He asked as he switched the lamp on. Mikasa sat up, pursing her lips and looking around her with a disoriented expression and a racing pulse. Her stomach was in knots. Eren brought the light of the lamp closer to her face and she blinked and narrowed her eyes before she could keep them open for a few seconds. "Your pupils are working as they should again."
"Huh? What was wrong with my pupils?" She rubbed her eyes with the backs of her fingers. She tried not to glance at him, for he did nothing but gaze at her.
Eren was slow to speak again.
"What... is the last thing you remember, Mikasa?"
She tossed her hair over one shoulder and scratched the back of her neck. She propped her back up on a pile of pillows against the headboard of the bed. She hadn't noticed the chandelier with crystal tears lit on the ceiling before. She accidentally kicked the box of chocolates. It let out a clink and seemed to attract Eren's attention, as there was a small lapse in which Mikasa was able to exhale and breathe well without his persistent gaze on top of her.
"Uhh… That we arrived at the party. I remember a long table with cocktails and some nice girls with whom I drank fruit juice… It had a special name, I think… And the next thing I remember I woke up in this room. Annie was here at Stohess and…that…that's it," she said, shrugging her tense shoulders, looking to the side and then down at her lap. She was digging her nails into her thighs. Her eyes got moist and she knew it would be impossible for her to meet Eren's without shedding a few tears for the lie she just spouted out.
Eren didn't say anything. He turned around and stopped in front of the dresser where he had left the wooden tray. She watched him squeeze the handles, then loosen his grip and stand there in silence with his head lowered. Mikasa closed her eyes. Her heart had turned into a fist in her chest. How can you cower like that? Her own incisive voice inside her mind questioned her. What's the use of lying to him? You don't like being lied to.
"I brought food that I learned could help you minimize the hangover from that drug. You may not even go through it because, according to Carly, you consumed the minimum dose. Maybe even a little less than that if we consider your height and weight, but anyway, it's better to be safe." Mikasa glanced at the contents of the tray with exquisite carved edges that Eren carefully placed on her thighs. "You don't have to eat it all if you don't want to. Just try to eat something, a little of everything, even if it's after three in the morning." His voice had trailed off.
Mikasa nodded, still not daring to look at him. She took the spoon and tasted a milky broth with chunks of shredded meat. It was turkey. Her throat had closed up and she had a hard time swallowing at first, however she managed to eat most of it. She took a few gulps of the orange juice. Eren removed the tray as soon as she babbled that she couldn't eat or drink anymore. She heard him move across the room, pick up the box of chocolates and set it aside on some piece of furniture. Mikasa sank down on the bed and moved to the edge of it, surreptitiously wiping away a tear that escaped her. A few minutes later, Eren turned off the crystal chandelier on the ceiling and, without a word, got into bed with her. There was no alternative but to spend the rest of the night there together. Thank goodness there was enough space between them. She stifled a gasp as she suddenly felt the heat radiating from Eren's body too close to her, his hot breath brushing the curve of her ear from behind.
"Liar," he said in a hoarse and disappointed whisper. "I prefer a thousand times that you tell me you regret it before you lie to me like that. I'm… fed up with you toying with me. I…" She felt Eren's chest against her back and his bare arm closed around her waist. His lips brushed her neck. Mikasa shuddered and broke her mouth open slightly. "I believed you. I wanted to believe every single thing you told me... The only thing I doubted was that you would remember, but in the end I was wrong."
Mikasa couldn't speak, only wheezed. Her heart hammered violently against her rib cage. Her eyes were wide open in the dark. A slight tremor had taken hold of her dry lips and a tear traced a wet track across her cheek.
"You have nothing to say?" Eren said with a squeeze, his question akin to a plea as he buried his nose in her hair. "At least tell me I'm a fool. Don't stay quiet like that…"
He began to loosen his arm around her waist.
"I'm sorry," Mikasa managed to murmur before her throat clogged up again. "I…" she shut her mouth.
Her fingers almost touched Eren's forearm in a feeble attempt to grab him. She stopped midway and allowed him to walk away from her. She couldn't explain anything to him now anyway. He crawled through the silk sheets and got out of bed. There was a rustle of fabric, of the dress pants and shirt he had taken off before lying down next to her. Mikasa sat up.
"Rest." Eren said.
"Where are you going?" She asked with a break in her voice as she heard his steady footsteps across the floor. She searched for his figure in the dark.
"I'm going to be around here. I'll stay inside the mansion. I won't go outside."
"But... it's so late..."
"I have things to do."
A thick beam of light streamed into the room from the corridor. Eren walked out and closed the door behind him.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Annie picked her up in the morning to go down to have breakfast with the hostess, who still hadn't shown up. Hitch was already sitting at the table covering her mouth as she yawned and finished a cup of strong coffee. Next to her was a woman with very short blonde hair, dressed in a simple white shirt. Her black eyes were like a pair of cold stone wells that fixed on Mikasa and then on Annie.
"Good morning," she greeted them with a smile that didn't reach her odd and haggard glance.
"Good morning," Mikasa repeated as she sat down on the chair Annie indicated.
Eren didn't come back to the room at night. She was alone in bed when she woke up, and even Annie asked her about the whereabouts of her supposed boyfriend. Neither of them had the slightest idea of where in this mansion he might be. Mikasa looked around the large dining room, in which there was no sign of him either. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep back the urge to ask Hitch or the unknown woman if Eren had been in the dining room before, or if they catched a glimpse of him on their way here. She considered it a terrible idea to imply she didn't know the whereabouts of her partner or hint that they hadn't even spent the night in the same place.
A butler served her tea, as she had preferred, and an assortment of cute, elegant tarts. In the center of the table were buns fresh from the oven, butter, marmalade, ham, bacon, sausages, scrambled eggs, different kinds of cheese, cream for hot drinks, and several pitchers of various kinds of squeezed fruit juice. It was a kind of morning feast. Mikasa focused on the tarts, particularly one with an orange-colored marmalade with black seeds several times the size of poppy seeds. She had never seen one of its kind and she weighed whether she should try it or not.
"And? How about that hangover, Margot?" Hitch wiped the corner of her mouth with a cloth napkin.
"Fine until now…"
"Then the soup your boyfriend brought you must have been of some use."
"It sure does," she murmured with a small smile so as not to look too serious. Truth was she hadn't stopped to think about the possible hangover that Eren had mentioned to her.
"It better does. I saw him give the cook extra money, you know?" Hitch said in a complicit tone. "And I found out that he questioned the kitchen servants about whether the Stratmanns paid them decent wages or overtime for having them work so late for a bloody party, and if they then gave them the day off and allowed them to get enough sleep, otherwise it was exploitation. That man of yours is quite a character," she chuckled.
It was easy to visualize Eren doing that, concerned about the welfare of others and what was or wasn't fair. Mikasa sighed. This time she really smiled.
"He is like that."
"It would be interesting to see the servants rebelling against Carly's parties. Though, also from what I heard out there, she always asks for volunteers for nights like last night and she pays them double," Hitch gossiped, covering her mouth a little.
"Unlike her old man, who never makes any difference," Annie pointed out.
Hitch slapped the table, amused.
"If they were to rebel against the old man…"
"Most of them wouldn't even dare to take the risk of being immediately fired with a kick in the ass." Annie spoke at a normal volume and glared without hesitation at one of the workers who seemed to be trying to listen better to their conversation. "Which is understandable… because it's getting more and more difficult to get stable and decent jobs on this island."
"Uh-huh, Annie. Anyways. We didn't have to get so serious." Hitch rolled her eyes, massaged her temples, and peeked at the empty seat to Mikasa's left. "Where's your boyfriend, Margot?"
"Eren... will come later."
"I would never have imagined that your name was Margot, precisely," said the short-haired woman suddenly. Not only Mikasa glanced at her at once, but also Hitch and Annie, the latter with a grimace that said, are you serious? "Oh, I don't mean it because of her features. Let's see… How to say it? That name doesn't fit her. She doesn't strike me as some 'Margot,' that's the point."
Mikasa was determined to keep an impassive expression as Hitch studied her. There was a hint of genuine curiosity in her.
"It's still too early to think about nonsense like this," Annie's friend muttered, shrugging her shoulders and gobbling up a tart she took with the tips of her long polished nails fingers.
"Early? It's almost noon," the woman objected, glancing at the thick silver bracelet on her wrist. It was a watch.
Hitch jerked her thumb at the blonde whose presence they had practically ignored for a long while.
"She told me that her name's Yelena. Does she look like a 'Yelena' to you?"
"I guess," answered Annie, indifferent. "I don't know other Yelenas to be able to decide if her name suits her or not."
Yelena smiled.
"I'm Yelena Volkova, a pleasure to meet you," she introduced herself with a courteous nod.
"Annie Leonhardt. This is Margot Protz," assured Annie. "How do you know Carly, Yelena?"
"From one of her business trips with her father to Marley. Right now I have been visiting Paradis for just over a week."
"I see. Are you here on vacation or business? Is it your first time on the island?" Annie asked.
"I have come a few times and yes, I am enjoying a little vacation on this beautiful island. Unfortunately today I have to take a boat back to the mainland."
There was a feminine giggle coming from the hall. A pair of solemn servants opened the double doors. Finally Carly Stratmann, their hostess, made her appearance in the dining room and Eren followed close behind. She touched Eren's arm naturally, as if they were old friends, and then said something to him with a smile that Mikasa found flirtatious. He nodded, pensive and serious. It was inevitable for her to observe the exchange between the two with a slight frown. She stopped paying attention to them and distracted herself by nibbling on a miniature marzipan carrot so as not to get weird ideas about it. Shortly after, Eren placed a hand on Mikasa's shoulder and kissed her cheek before sitting down on the free seat next to her. She almost bit her tongue. Hesitant, she turned her head toward him. His tired green eyes held her gaze until a butler began to pour an aromatic shot of coffee into his cup. Eren asked for more to be poured into it.
Mikasa wanted to ask him what he had done last night. If he had slept even a little, and especially where. From the marked dark circles under his eyes it seemed he hadn't slept at all. In contrast Carly, who was chattering spiritedly with Hitch and Yelena, looked fresh and perfumed, fresh from a good bath. She was wearing a simple but fine burgundy dress that hugged her voluptuous figure. Her complexion was too similar to that of Theresa, the rude girl who presumed to have been sexually intimate with Eren.
An uneasy feeling lodged in the base of her stomach. Mikasa pursed her lips. Why had Eren arrived with Carly? How much time had they been together to have gained this obvious bigger degree of trust between them? Had Eren… gone looking for Carly last night? A light tap on her leg took her from her thoughts for the moment.
"Wake up," Annie hissed.
Eren was apparently already on his second cup of coffee. Mikasa heard him speak when Yelena caught his attention.
"Jaeger. Jaeger… Are you related to a man named Grisha Jaeger, by any chance?"
"I'm his son," he answered, and Yelena's eyes came alive with a sudden flash of recognition. "Why? Were you a patient of his?" he wondered, monotone.
"I didn't have the opportunity," she smiled, putting her elbows on the table and resting her chin on her long intertwined fingers. "But you could say I've heard of him."
"I think almost everyone on this island has heard of him."
Yelena didn't bother to clarify to him that she wasn't a Paradisian. She simply widened her wolfish grin while still scrutinizing Eren's face as if she needed to memorize it. Mikasa suppressed a flinch when the woman's peculiar gaze shifted to hers out of a sudden.
She doesn't strike me as some 'Margot,' that's the point.
She was somewhat disturbing, however Mikasa didn't perceive aggressiveness in her. Whether by way of prevention or habit, she touched her thigh to feel the knife under the skirt of her dress. She found she wasn't even wearing the strap where she hung it on. She internally cursed for going around with her head anywhere. The last time she saw the knife was when it ended up embedded in the office wall. She hoped that Eren - or Annie - had gotten the weapon out of there and that he was keeping it together with the leather strap.
A butler stood next to Yelena.
"Excuse the interruption, Miss Volkova," the man said with a practiced bow. "I have been informed that your carriage is waiting for you."
Yelena glanced at her elegant wristwatch.
"Oh, yes. What a pity. I have to go already," she wailed as she stood up. Yelena was very tall. Taller than any other woman Mikasa knew. She even towered over every one of the men in the room, including Eren. Like Kenny, she must have been almost two meters tall. "It's been a pleasure being here and meeting all of you. It was an excellent party. Thanks for the invite, Carly."
Carly smiled and got up from her seat.
"I'll walk you outside," she said.
They all said goodbye to her out of courtesy. Hitch wished her a safe journey home.
"Thank you," Yelena's sparkling eyes flew to Eren for a fraction of a second before adding in a cryptic tone: "Such pleasant surprises."
Mikasa followed her with lowered eyelids.
"She's sooo weird," Hitch blurted out as soon as Carly and Yelena were out of range. "She wins you handsomely, Annie. Yelena snatched the award from you."
"What are you talking about?" Annie grumbled through a mouth full of tart.
Eren leaned towards Mikasa.
"I think it's time for us to go too," he said while Hitch and Annie were arguing over nonsense in the background.
Mikasa grabbed a fork and cut a piece of a lemon meringue tart.
"I'm having breakfast."
"When you finish."
"Go if you want. I'll stay."
"What?"
"I'm not in any hurry to leave…" Mikasa said in a low voice. "To go lock myself in the hotel room with you. If you're in such a hurry to leave, then go on your own. I'll stay here with Annie and leave later."
Eren's expression remained unreadable until he set his jaw and closed a hand around her wrist. He squeezed it without hurting her.
"Can I have a word with you before I go?" He asked in an irritated whisper. "Alone."
Mikasa took a deep breath. Could he?
"Fine," she said, and followed Eren out of the dining room.
He didn't let go of her wrist until they entered an empty room filled with portraits on its walls and some photographs. There, by a tall, narrow cabinet displaying family heirlooms, he cornered her by bracing his hands against the wall behind her. Mikasa's eyes widened in surprise. Eren's arms were slightly flexed and enclosed her so that she wouldn't escape from it. She pressed herself as close as she could to the wall and the top of her head bumped into the gilt frame of one of the portraits, which rocked due to the little bump. Dim daylight filtered through the delicate white curtains of the windows and illuminated the chiseled jaw of the frustrated man before her. His brown hair hid his eyes, fixed on the floor. If it had been anyone else, Mikasa would have pushed him aside by now, but since it was him, she waited. She waited even though Eren still didn't say anything and her nerves were growing.
"If what you're trying to do is drive me crazy, then let me tell you that you're succeeding," he mumbled, his breath rough. His intense green eyes, accentuated by the dark circles beneath them, flashed with rapture. "Do you have any idea…?" Eren sighed heavily, closing his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose and turned away from her shaking his head. "Forget it. It doesn't even matter."
Mikasa hugged herself, not moving from her spot.
"Eren… It's not that. I'm not…trying to drive you crazy." Her voice was soft, weak.
Eren shook his head at her again, without looking at her. Restless, he paced in front of her.
"So what is it that you want? Why do you keep contradicting yourself? Why do you close yourself up and act cold with me from one moment to the next?" He pointed to himself. "Why did you lie to my damn face?"
"Because I wasn't ready to talk about what I did!" Mikasa snapped, trying not to raise her voice too high.
Eren stared at her, stunned.
"You could have told me that last night, instead of—"
"I couldn't even do that," she interrupted him. "Or do you think it's something easy? None… of this is easy for me."
"Mikasa…" Eren called her in a conciliatory tone, approaching her. "Of course it shouldn't be easy. That whole…experience with that drug must have been overwhelming for you, to say the least."
"It was."
Eren ran a hand over his face. With the other one he massaged the base of his neck. He was a bit pale.
"I don't want to pressure you… It's just… Shit. Sorry. I'm not thinking clearly either."
"It seems you didn't sleep at all," Mikasa mumbled. He nodded. "Why did you leave last night?"
"Because it was overwhelming for me too… You lied to me. You said you didn't remember anything and… that hurt." He said with his eyes lowered. "I couldn't stay there with you."
Mikasa rubbed her arm. She withstand the pang in her heart and the urge to hug him.
"You said… you had things to do."
"Yeah," Eren avoided her gaze.
"Going... looking for Carly Stratmann had something to do with it?"
He didn't answer right away. A weight lodged in Mikasa's stomach like a punch.
"It's complicated."
"Is that all you're going to say about it? It's complicated?" She actually didn't want to wait to hear his answer. She feared his response. Mikasa swallowed her tears before saying in a firm tone: "You'll tell me when you're ready to talk about whatever you did." She stepped aside and walked away as fast as possible.
Eren made no move to go after her. He didn't even let out a 'wait.'
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Carly is easy going. She has a flirtatious and confident personality, you have to admit, but from there to her having slept with him or something similar last night?" Annie said. "I don't know… It's hard for me to see it."
Mikasa wiped her tears with a fine pink handkerchief. They were sitting on the soft rug that covered part of the floor of the sunny room where Annie was staying, their backs against the side of the bed.
"You don't sound convinced at all," she muttered.
"What do you want me to do? Risking my neck for other people is not my thing." She defended herself with an annoyed demeanor. "This is unbelievable. I never thought I'd see you whine like this, and if you did I never imagined it would be for a man."
"Sorry to disappoint you," Mikasa said.
Annie sighed.
"Alright. It's fine… It's just that until yesterday I didn't associate you with this kind of thing. It's as if I could finally visualize the average girl, capable of falling in love and all of that, that hides behind that cold beast that knows how to fight and kill. It's been crazy."
Mikasa shook her head with a small wry smile.
"A beast," she repeated. "Thank you for realizing that I'm just a girl and not some beast, I guess."
"You're welcome. Circumstances helped."
"You aren't very different from me."
"Oh yeah?" She raised an eyebrow.
"The difference is that you at least have a true and constant connection to the… ordinary world. Something that I never had and that perhaps I will never have."
Her words caught Annie off guard, who looked at her with some confusion and grief before lowering her eyes and falling into a brief silence.
"I don't think I've ever fallen in love," Annie blurted out suddenly.
"Huh?"
"That's another difference. I listen to you talk about those things you feel for Eren, or Hitch ranting about Marlowe and prattle about any other idiot she's been with, and I feel a little envious…" She shrugged. "I haven't met anyone who makes me feel what you feel. Not even that annoyance or frustration over things not going smoothly. I don't get to care about them in that sense, in a romantic way."
"I… I've only felt this for Eren," Mikasa said. "Perhaps the person or people with whom you'll fall in love have not yet coincided with your path."
Annie's mouth twisted.
"Look at the things you say… Who knows. Maybe I'm not fated to be with someone on those terms and I have no choice but to settle for an empty intimacy."
"What do you mean by 'empty intimacy'?"
"Are you serious?" She questioned, furrowing her eyebrows. Mikasa nodded and Annie rolled her eyes, but her cheeks colored. "I mean having sex with someone just because… No feelings involved, no connection beyond the physical."
"I see… Do you do it often?"
"No," Annie answered right away. "I've done it a few times."
Mikasa's mouth took the shape of an 'o.'
"Did you enjoy it?"
"Eh… Sometimes more than others."
"What... about your first time? How did you know you were ready? What did you feel?"
"What a questioner you are," she snorted awkwardly. "You don't have anyone else to ask these questions, do you?"
Mikasa shrugged.
"One of my aunt's old friends, who's also a friend of Kenny. She explained a little more of the basics to me a few years ago. She finished her work with me and I lost contact with her. Kenny and Levi are useless in this case because they aren't women, and they're idiots. Especially Levi. I don't even know if he's ever been in a relationship or anything like that. He's bitter and reserved," she said, wrinkling her nose.
Annie raised a hand.
"Wait. Now that you mention it, damn Reiner set me up and I ended up having an impromptu meeting with your cousin as soon as I got to Stohess. Levi got into the carriage at the stop in the middle of the night, looked me up and down and said 'lucky you didn't lose any fucking limbs', which in his Ackerman language might mean something along the lines of 'good thing you're okay,' doesn't it?"
"In Levi's language, you mean," Mikasa corrected her, although Kenny would surely say a worse variation of the same phrase. "What was that impromptu meeting about?"
"About some job related to the Legion. I still don't know what it is about, exactly…" murmured Annie. "All I know is that things are about to really go to shit. For the Royal Family in particular, and you understand where that's going to lead us."
Mikasa rested her chin on her knees with a weary expression.
"You should clear things up with Eren, Mikasa," Annie encouraged in a soft tone, uncharacteristic of her. "About the list of suggestions you mentioned last night, about the current thing with Carly... Talk to him while sober about your doubts and what you feel."
"I'm… afraid of what he might answer me."
"Do you prefer to continue getting consumed by doubt?"
"What am I going to do if he confirms the worst?" Her eyes misted up.
"Well, you can end your non-relationship with him, cry, have a hard time, and then move on with your life. You'll have to take care of a lot of other business anyway."
Mikasa pursed her lips. Annie was a bitch when it came to saying things, but she was right. Her eyes filled with tears. Whatever she did, whatever Eren said, it was most likely that she would have to separate from him for a while due to force majeure to support the interests of her clan. Of her family. Kenny might already be pulling the strings his way, independent of the Legion. Perhaps Levi's meeting with Annie had something to do directly with that. She would know that in a week or so, two at the most. Maybe even less.
"Hey, listen," Annie called her. "It's normal to be afraid of doing certain things, just as it's normal that you've been embarrassed by what you dared to say to Eren while you were under the influence of that drug. It's okay to be afraid. I know you lead an unusual life, I do too, but at the end of the day we are still just people, girls like any other... And if you have the opportunity to take advantage of what it is to be a girl in every way together with the boy you like so much, then take it."
"Take advantage of what it is to be a girl in every way along with…?" Mikasa jabbered, wiping the tears from her rosy cheeks. "W-What do you mean by that?"
Annie rolled her eyes.
"Please, Mikasa. You obviously want to sleep with him. Go and fuck him for good. Have a good time."
"D-Don't say it like that!"
"And it's also so stupidly obvious that he wants the same thing. Didn't he tell you you were driving him crazy, even?"
Mikasa's face was lit up like a lantern.
"But w-what if he's like you and... he wants to ha-have sex with me just because?"
"The bunch of patience I need to have with this one, godammit," Annie said between her teeth, pressing the heel of one hand against her forehead. "First of all, clear things up with him, like I told you. Depending on what he tells you, you decide if you fuck him or not."
"You say it as if it were so simple..." She made a face.
"It is and it isn't, but I'm tired of this topic, and of talking, and I don't know what else to tell you or how to help you. The point is that your problems would be solved by talking to their source, and that source must be waiting for you like a caged lion in a hotel room where no one's going to bother you. You have it just for you two. Take it or leave it, Mikasa."
A/N: Annie is one of my fave SnK girls so, here she is again~
Wish you all an amazing year!