Chapter 49.

There was something about the closing of the door to their room that always made Cas feel safe. Out there, he was a confused, self-doubting, super-powered archangel, afraid of rejection from his brothers and the dark, difficult and corrupting "friendship" of Crowley and Rowena. Within the walls of the little room he shared with Jules, he only had to be Cas and whatever kind of Cas he was, archangel, angel or human, she would look at him the same way and speak his name in the same loving tone.

"I've been worried about you today." she said.

"I've been worried about me too." he said.

She gently removed his coat and he didn't argue. It was his armour, but here, he need fear no attack. She hung the coat on the back of the door and then took his arm. Her hand touching him through the thin cotton of his shirt felt overwhelming and that in itself told him he had been under a lot of stress.

He was good, these days, at controlling the sensory overload situations, but under pressure, he struggled not to be swept up by sensations. Either that, or he felt nothing at all, reverting to his purest angelic nature.

She saw the look on his face and said, "Sorry." and let go of his arm.

He put his hand to her cheek and kissed her, consciously taking control of his bodily senses. "Never apologise for making me feel." he said.

"I know it's too much for you today." she said, "You've had enough to deal with already."

"If I didn't have to go to Jack, I'd want to ... " He stopped himself. He chuckled. "I was going to say lose myself in you, but it's with you that I always find myself. Never think that I don't know it, that I don't understand how you help me to learn and grow."

"You were learning and growing long before you met me." she said, "I know you want to be ritually pure whenever you go to Heaven, but we could just lie innocently together on the bed to talk."

"Of course we can." he said, glad that it was an option.

He felt weird enough when he saw Dean after passion with Jules and Dean saw his disordered hair or the look on his face and gave him that smirk. Jack was both entirely innocent of the carnality of the world and all-knowing and Heaven had always had a disapproving attitude to the wrong kind of connection with mortals. Although he knew Jack had no such prejudice, he liked to be in a state of purity when he stood before him in Heaven's ... The words 'Throne room' came automatically to mind, ut he remembered the plaid couches were Heaven's boy king sat with his angels and remembered that it was now Heaven's snug.

"It's not that I consider sex with you impure." he said.

She smiled at him. "I know. Heaven's complicated for you."

"Very." he said, "Your understanding on this, on everything, is greatly appreciated."

"When I say things about angels without thinking, or talk about what happened in my world and sound as if I blame Heaven, you can be very understanding too." she said.

They settled together on the bed and he put his arm around her shoulders. "I blame Heaven too." he said, "I blame Heaven and Chuck for a lot, in your world and mi ... " Again, he stopped himself.

"This is your world, Castiel." she said.

"No." he said. They allowed him to be a part of it, but nothing in it belonged to him.

"Really?" she said.

"Really." he confirmed.

"Only, I seem to recall a big ceremony with all the angels and the new God and everything and you being made viceroy of this world."

"A courtesy title." he said, "An honour of which I am proud, but unworthy."

"You stood against Heaven to save this world."

"And in doing so, did irreparable harm to Heaven and to this world and to the Winchesters."

He saw her eyes flinch from his self-castigation. He had forgotten how deeply any pain in him hurt her. "Cas, don't." she said.

"It's fine," he said, with his best Dean Winchester smile. "It's a fact, but I'm fine with it. It had to happen for Jack to happen and Jack has made all things new."

"You've always done what you thought was right."

"Yes. So have many who committed atrocities."

"No, Cas, atrocities never come from good intentions."

"Mine did." he said. He needed to believe that and he needed her to believe it.

Unexpectedly, she hugged him, squeezing him tightly as if trying to squeeze out all the poison of his guilt and shame. It at least forced it out of his mind for a moment. Whatever he had done or intended or been, she looked at the whole miserable mess and saw something there to love. Whatever confessions he made in the confidence of their bedchamber, she absolved him of all crimes and blessed him with her acceptance and love.

He had not forgotten how she had responded to the Empty deal, a deal that felt to her like a vile betrayal. Seeing why he had done it and how the thought of leaving them all forever tormented him, offered the chance to walk away and start anew with a better man ... or any actual man, she had volunteered to stay with him, without hope of happiness, with no prospect of ever knowing a moment of real, physical intimacy. Suffering with him had been preferable to leaving him alone with the consequences of his decision.

"I'm trying," he said, "To see myself as you see me."

"Good." she said, "It's the best example you could give to Dean and Sam and the best gift you could give to all of us."

"It's hard, when my conscience is so sure of my guilt."

"You were programmed for guilt about thinking for yourself or doing anything against the will of Heaven, but Heaven was wrong and you knew that."

"And now, I believe in Jack absolutely and I love him and still I am acting against the will of Heaven." he said.

"Not forcing Anael to return cannot be against Jack's will. Jack believes in freedom." she said. It was persuasive, but then, he so wanted to believe it.

"If Jack is angry or disappointed or ashamed of his error in trusting me, I don't know how to make things right." he said.

"He won't be any of those things." she said.

"I need to talk to Anael before I talk to Jack." he said.

"To try again to convince her?"

"There is no convincing her in her present mood." he said, "I need to tell her she has more time to think, before I discuss that with Jack."

"Why?" she said.

"Because a wise, in fact, downright cunning friend of mine said its better to ask forgiveness than permission." he said.

"Would this friend be a former King of Hell?" she said, "Or is it Dean?"

"Crowley." He thought for a moment and said, "Don't ever tell him that I called him either wise or a friend."