Chapter 51.
Cas looked at Jules, wishing he could take her with him. He could have asked Jack to meet them at the Nexus and they could have gone there together, but it didn't seem right. He was going to report a failure and the failure was his alone and should be borne alone.
She would be waiting to soothe his sorrows later. She would listen to what had happened and she would comfort him as she always did, with gentle words and a loving hug.
"Is it time?" she said.
They had set no appointment and he could, if he wanted, leave it longer. He could wait, indeed, until Jack tired of his evasion and summoned him directly, but he knew what she meant. She was asking if he felt ready to go.
"I should go now." he said, "I'll need to talk to Anael first."
"I love you and Jack loves you." she said.
"I know." he said. He glanced at the door. "I should also find Dean and tell him before I go."
She took his hand. "I know you're afraid, but this is gonna be easier than you think."
"I hope so." he said, "Most things are harder." He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. "Whatever happens, I am glad you will be here when I get home."
"Always." she said.
He left the room, taking one last look back at her before he exited. He had spent so long alone that it felt strange to need her so much, but he did and closing the door took a real effort, because he knew he wouldn't see her look of love and concern again until after he had faced Jack.
Anael was in the library with everyone but Dean and Charlie. "Anael, could we talk privately?" he said.
She looked doubtful, but followed him outside the bunker. "What do you want to say?" she said. She spoke clearly, with a strong, steady voice, but her fear shimmered in her aura and he could feel how much she wanted to be away from him.
"I promise not to apply any pressure to make you give in and return home." he said, "So we can all enjoy the wedding, I will drop the subject until after Sam and Eileen are married and for as long as I can after."
"As long as you can is forever." she said.
"You know I serve Heaven."
"And has Heaven agreed to this?" she said.
"Not yet, but I feel Jack will understand." he said, "I will do my best to make him understand. I will present your case as I understand it. I'll tell him, you're not rebelling, but searching for something. Perhaps he can find a way for Heaven to give you what you need."
She looked at him in surprise. "You'd speak for me in Heaven?"
"To the best of my ability, though you might wish for a more eloquent advocate."
"You still think I'm wrong."
"Yes, I do, but part of free will is the freedom to make mistakes."
"Do you think Jack will see it that way?"
"I don't know, but Jack is committed to free will."
"So was our father, until people failed to freely choose his preferred way."
"I'll do all I can." said Cas, "At the very least, I can buy you more time. I will try to make him understand your feelings."
"Do you understand them?" she said.
"More than I did. I'm trying to."
"I know you are and I thank you for that. Don't push him too far, Castiel. I know what his good opinion of you means to you."
"He'll still love me. I may lose a little of his faith in me, but never his love." said Cas.
He left Anael there and went to the kitchen, where he stood in the doorway. When Dean and Charlie turned to look at him he said, "Dean, I'm going now."
"To Jack or to Sioux Falls?" said Dean.
"The former." said Cas.
Dean turned to Charlie and said, "I just gotta ... " and he nodded towards Cas.
"No problem." said Charlie.
Dean got up and came out of the kitchen, taking Cas's arm and leading him a little away from Charlie. "You okay?" he said.
"I'm fi ... " Cas stopped. "No, not okay, but it's Jack. He's not about to unleash heavenly wrath on me, is he? He'll understand. He'll forgive."
"Yes, he will." said Dean.
"He may even have advice for how to change Anael's mind."
"The kid's bright." said Dean.
Cas found himself smiling at that. Dean still saw a kid where everyone else saw a god. Jack was technically omniscient, although he seemed to switch it off at times for reasons best known to himself.
"I know what you're thinking." said Dean.
"I doubt that." said Cas.
"Yeah, well, go now. Don't keep running things through your head. There's no way Jack will judge you as hard as you do."
"I just wish ... " Cas began.
"No. Go to Jack. Talk to your kid. I promise, he gets it."
Cas nodded and turned away from Dean and then flew to Heaven, grateful for the return of his wings, even if this journey could only bring pain.
Gabriel was lying on one of the couches in Heaven's snug. "Cas!" he said, "You came at last! Jack's been waiting for you."
"Is he displeased with me?" said Cas.
Gabriel gave a little smirk. "Jack doesn't do the whole displeased thing. He misses you, is all. He worries about you. He's in Hannah's cloister. Go put his mind at rest."
"I wish I could." said Cas, but he went.
Hannah was not in the cloister. Jack sat alone on the ground, watching a bee foraging in a flower. As soon as he saw Cas, he stood.
"Castiel! It's so good to see you!"
Cas tried to form some appropriate greeting that would introduce the matter of his failure but suggest contrition and hope to put things right, but before he could find the words, Jack was in front of him and hugged him.
"I'm sorry." said Cas.
"For what?" said Jack, "You have done nothing wrong."
"You must know how badly I failed with Anael." said Cas.
Jack stepped back and looked into his eyes. "You have never failed me. If you ever did, it wouldn't change a thing. I'd still love you. But you never have. You never will."
"I tried to bring her home. I failed." He stared at the grass beneath them, not wanting to face Jack in such active disobedience. "I also promised her more time. I had to. Sam and Eileen want her to be part of their wedding and I needed to make sure she could do that without fear."
"Without fear of me." said Jack.
"Of Heaven. She looks at you and sees Heaven and Heaven never cared about her. Maybe at the wedding, she'll see that you are not your grandfather. Maybe then she'll come quietly back to her place."
"What did I ask of you concerning Anael?" said Jack.
"To bring her back." said Cas.
"No, I never asked that. I asked you to help her decide."
"To come back."
"To come back or to seek her peace elsewhere."
"The only peace for an angel is here."
The grass he was watching so intently was gone. Golden sand lay under his feet and the sky was filled with rich blues and clouds lit golden by the sun and he knew where Jack had taken him, to a time before man, to a planet young and filled with potential and to a shore where an angel of no consequence had fallen in love with a part of creation. He made himself raise his eyes to meet those of his son, his lord. The light of compassion in those eyes bore no anger or judgement, not even disappointment. "Look on this world that you love," said Jack, "This world that I placed into your care, out of love for both the world of my birth and you."