Chapter 55.
They sat down together at the map table. Dean sat at the head of the table, one of them either side of him, he felt as if he were a mediator or referee.
Anael looked more wary than hopeful. Being taken away from the others seemed to have unsettled her and Dean could see why. She was trying to trust the extremely powerful being, loyal to Heaven, who sat opposite her, but of course there would be fear. It wouldn't be human ... He felt annoyance at how easily he forgot that she was not human or close to it.
"Anael," said Cas, "First, I must tell you that Jack wants me to say that you are free. Heaven will assert no claim on you."
"For how long?" she said.
"Forever. You are truly free. Turned out I didn't need to explain your feelings to him. He understands your situation better than I did. I should probably have expected that. His human side gives him so much more empathy."
"You have empathy." said Dean. Probably not the time or place, but since losing Cas to the Empty for a second time, he felt the need to say things when Cas needed to hear them, rather than wait for them to have a chance to discuss the matter in detail.
"Jack has more." said Cas, but he seemed pleased. He turned back to Anael. "Jack says that he wants you to find your happiness and if it lies in Heaven, as I believe it does, you will be welcome there at any time, but if it does not, he will not call you back to Heaven or interfere with your search."
"You didn't want to bring me this message." she said.
Cas paused before replying. When he spoke, Dean could tell he was conflicted, but wasn't sure why. "I'm glad that he did not insist upon your return before you are ready." he said.
"But you still think I should be in Heaven."
"I find it hard to believe that happiness, for an angel, can be found outside Heaven."
"Your human lover awaits you now."
"I know that, but she will understand the delay."
Dean now felt like their interpreter. "She means your happiness is here." he said.
"That may be so, but Anael has lived on Earth since the fall, yet has no ties to anyone, no lover, no friends."
"Eileen is my friend. Charlie is my friend."
"Anyone can make friends among the Winchesters." said Cas.
"Anyone?" said Dean, wondering if he should feel insulted.
"I mean that you take in the waifs and strays of the world ... of all worlds. For which I will always be grateful."
"That's not what you are. That's not what happened."
"It's not a bad thing, Dean. This boundless compassion that you and Sam show to everyone, it changes lives."
"You're not some charity project."
But Cas was not listening. He had returned his attention to Anael. "No doors are slamming shut, Anael. If you ever decide that Heaven is your home, you can return there. You retain the rank and powers of an angel. Your power to heal will remain as it is now. You keep your wings."
"I want none of those things. I want to be human." she said.
"Never gonna happen." said Dean, "Jack's giving you freedom."
"And I am very happy about that, but I want freedom from what I am."
"Well, none of us gets that." said Dean, "You're lucky. I have to be Dean Winchester."
"There's nothing wrong with being Dean Winchester." said Cas. He seemed irritated.
"How did it go with Jack?" said Dean.
"Well. Better than I could have imagined. You and Jules were right. He said I've never failed him. He's sure I never will."
"And you believed him, right?"
"It's Jack." said Cas.
"I know that. Just checking you do."
"You were also right that he doesn't want me to make Anael return."
"He's a big believer in free will." said Dean.
Cas looked at Anael. "We may not ever agree, but I truly hope you find happiness and peace, in this world or any other you need to be in."
She nodded. They shared a look for a moment and then she said, "You've been honest with me, Castiel. You've been honourable in your intercession between me and Jack. I was afraid we had become enemies. Archangel or not, you still feel like a friend. I misjudged you."
"No," he said, "You didn't. I was determined to make you go home by any means necessary. It was old thinking. It was the habit of an eternity of being afraid to question Heavens apparent will. Forgive me."
"The same traps and follies are in my head too." she said, "You broke free of them."
"Sam, Dean and Jules broke me free. Jack too. Even now, I doubt the sense of an angel seeking anything outside Heaven. I may argue with you."
"But you won't force me into Heaven." she said.
"No, but I do ask you to be careful in your quest. Angels are not accustomed to the pain of this world. It can break us. Try not to get hurt."
She glanced at Dean and he nodded. "You'll get hurt. That's life. Just don't settle into the pain. Get up and keep swinging and when you know what you want, go for it."
"I know you two want to talk." she said, "So I'll go back to my friends in the library." She stood and touched Cas's shoulder, the first time she had dared get so close since he had gained his new powers. "Thankyou, my brother."
"Before you go," said Cas, he turned to Dean, "I know having her here bothers you. If she is to stay in this world, she doesn't have to stay in this bunker. She came here for protection from Jack. That is no longer necessary."
"He's right." said Anael, "I know tolerating my presence has not been easy. Obviously, I'll leave as soon as ... "
"No." said Dean, "You can stay. You don't have to, if there's someplace else you're itching to be, but if you could use a room here for a while longer, I have no problem with that."
"You like having a spare angel around the place." she said.
"Yeah. You're pretty useful." he said.
"I'd like to stay a while. I've made more friends here than I ever did out there."
"Plus, Eileen would kill me if I let you leave before the wedding." he said.
"Are you sure, Dean?" said Cas.
"She can get pretty angry."
"No, I mean about Anael. You only let her stay because I asked it."
"And you felt bad about asking it." said Dean, "Now you don't have to. She grew on me. Kinda like fungus in a motel bathroom."
Cas darted a worried look at Anael, but she was smiling. "And I got used to him, like that bad smell you can never quite locate in an old basement. Dean, I'll see you at supper. Castiel, you have a good night."
She left. "She didn't open her beer." said Cas.
"Frickin' angels." said Dean, without anger. He took a mouthful of his. "Tell me about your talk with Jack."
"Some briefing for Hell, the things I already told Anael." said Cas. He was longing to tell the rest.
"What else?" said Dean.
A bright smile appeared on Cas's face. "No anger, no disappointment. He even got why I misunderstood. His grandfather used us as enforcers, agents of his will. Jack doesn't see us that way. To him, we're family."
"Yes." said Dean.
"He doesn't need or desire submission and obedience, from Anael or from me. He wants only our happiness, our freedom. We get to choose. I didn't even know how much that meant to me until he gave the right to her. I would have taken it away. Old thinking, Dean. Sometimes I think I'm incapable of learning."
"That isn't true. You've changed so much since I first met you."
"For the better?" said Cas hopefully.
"Every time." said Dean, "And remember, even thinking he wanted Anael in Heaven, you went there willing to plead a case you didn't believe in because it mattered to her. You think you would have done that when Zachariah told you what to think?"
"No, I would have used force to make her return to Heaven. I would have killed her if she resisted. I was a monster."
"Hey man, we've all been monsters. Growth is what matters, not what dunghill you first sprung from."
"Vivid image." said Cas.
"Now you know that he doesn't need her back, that takes the pressure right off you, doesn't it?"
"Yes. It was a heavy burden to bear. Now, I feel good. I do worry about the burden on you. It's good of you to let her stay, but ... "
"I meant every word I said. I'm fine with it. Everyone else likes her."
"Meaning you still don't." said Cas.
"Meaning I should put more effort in. I like her, mostly."
"Which bothers you more, that she tried to kill us or that she's an angel?"
"Look, my feelings about angels are not a choice."
"So, the angel thing, then?"
"Both, but yeah mostly that. It's not about you, Cas. You have to believe that."
Cas smiled again. "I do. All this time, you were telling me Jack wouldn't be angry or disappointed. All this time, you did all you could to fix my crooked thinking."
"It's what friends do."
"It's what brothers do." said Cas.
"And now, you're not thinking crooked, you know that Jack loves you and is proud of everything you do?"
"He said so. He said things I will remember forever."
"You remember everything forever."
"Yes, but these things, by choice."
"Good. You deserve this. Cas."
"He thinks so too. I'm still unsure."
"Jack's never wrong." said Dean, "Not since the whole omniscience thing."
"Not so far."
"So believe in him and then you'll have to believe in yourself. Now, someone else who believes in you is waiting in your room to comfort you or celebrate with you. You go make the lights flicker."
"With the bunker so crowded, I might suggest to her that we go elsewhere." said Cas.
"Various hunter cabins are currently vacant and you have wings to get there." said Dean.
Cas nodded and stood. "I feel happy tonight."
"So would I, if someone that attractive were waiting for me."
"That's not why. I mean, it's part of the reason, but it's not the main reason."
"No, I know." said Dean.
"I was afraid to face him."
"Yeah, kinda messed up."
"I should have listened to you and Sam and Jules."
"Yeah, you should, but you know what? I have that same voice in my head, telling me how much everyone must despise me, or would, if they knew all that I know. Sometimes, that voice is a stupid jerk."
"For both of us." said Cas.
Dean was about to make a joke, but he didn't. "Old thinking, but now we know it's possible to break free."
"Will you reopen the mind link for me, tomorrow?" said Cas.
"I'm sure as Hell not gonna open it tonight." said Dean laughing.
"But, tomorrow?"
"There's dark stuff in here." said Dean. He wanted to reopen the link, but there had to be a warning.
"That's why I don't want you lurking in there all alone." said Cas.
"Okay. You faced your fears, I'm gonna face mine. I owe you that. Now, go see that beautiful lady of yours."
"Next time, I'll try to listen to you."
"Yeah, try, but if you fail, that's okay. I get it. Possibly more than any other person on the planet, I get it."