Chapter 31: Bucky

Bucky had never realized what a painful thing his past was until he had to relive it. Every time he submitted to the power of the Mind Stone, a little bit more of the memories HYDRA had stolen returned to him, but the pain it brought was enough to send him to his knees, gasping for breath.

He was doing so now, as Loki drew the scepter back from his chest, allowing him a moment to recover. They'd been at this for days, and Bucky sensed they were close to the end, but not yet. There were still more memories to recover.

Just thinking about it made Bucky's head ache.

"Bucky?"

Steve's voice came from just outside the deserted office Bucky and Loki had retreated into to work, and seconds later the door was pushed open.

Steve's gaze flicked between Bucky kneeling on the floor and Loki leaning nonchalantly against the desk, the scepter in his hand. His eyes widened and he hurried to Bucky's side. "What's going on?" He touched Bucky's shoulder, looking up at Loki accusingly. "What have you done?"

Bucky reached up, putting a hand on Steve's arm to stop him before he attacked Loki. "It's okay, Steve," he said weakly. "I asked him to."

"Asked him to do what?"

"Barnes had his memory completely erased by HYDRA," Loki explained. "The Mind Stone in the scepter allows me to return those memories to him."

Steve turned back to Bucky, relaxing slightly. "Are you sure you want to do that?"

Bucky understood what Steve meant. Did he want to relive years of torture and killing under HYDRA's control? No, he most certainly didn't. But that wasn't the point. "I have to know," he said simply. He couldn't keep those memories in the dark simply because he didn't like them.

Steve nodded slowly and gave Bucky's shoulder a final reassuring squeeze before stepping back. Bucky nodded to Loki and the Asgardian moved forward, touching the scepter's tip to his chest. It felt ice-cold through his shirt.

He watched as blue energy crept along the scepter's blade and entered his body. He could feel it moving through him, up his throat and into his eyes, but Loki didn't pull back. The Asgardian closed his eyes, concentrating.

The scepter's power reached Bucky's mind, and though he'd felt it many times before, he still gasped as a thousand memories exploded into life in his head, blinding him to the outside world.

He saw himself playing with Steve as a kid, going to a dance with a pretty girl, training to be a soldier. Then Zola's face appeared, followed by a memory of fighting beside Steve, the train battle, and falling … falling … falling.

An explosion. Assassinations. Nick Fury. Fighting Cap in the helicarrier. They kept coming, too fast for him to recognize them all.

"Stop," Bucky breathed, gasping. It was too much.

He felt the moment Loki pulled back, the memories fading away rapidly, and then he could see again. Steve was moving forward even as Loki stepped back, his expression filled with concern as he reached to support Bucky.

His head ached, and Bucky realized he was shaking. Seeing anew what he'd done all those years … it was worse than a nightmare.

Steve met his gaze and held it. "You didn't make those decisions, Bucky," he said firmly. "It wasn't you."

Bucky shook his head, forcing his breaths to slow. "I was following orders … like a good soldier." He looked away from Steve, down at the floor as guilt washed through him. "But I still pulled the trigger."

Steve's grip on his arm tightened. "No, Buck. They were controlling you. They messed with your mind. I know who you really are."

There was a note of pride in Steve's voice as he said that last part that brought tears to Bucky's eyes. He looked up again, smiling weakly. "Thanks, pal. I'll work through this. It's just gonna take a bit of time." Maybe a lifetime. But for Steve he'd do just about anything.

"You might want to get it over with now," Loki added. "This could be our last chance."

Before the battle.

Bucky nodded. "In that case..."

Loki moved forward once more and Bucky closed his eyes, not trying to keep up with the memories as they flashed through his mind once more.

After an hour – or maybe a minute – Loki pulled back. "There's nothing left to remember now," he said softly. "You have it all."

Bucky met the Asgardian's eyes and nodded once. "Thank you."

Loki smiled ever-so-slightly.

Then Steve pulled Bucky to his feet and into a tight hug. "It's good to have you back," he said quietly.

"Say's the guy who got stuck in the ice for seventy years," Bucky teased, and they shared a smile.

Fury – who Bucky remembered with some discomfort now – appeared in the office doorway and cast his gaze over the scene. "I hate to break up this little moment," he said dryly, "but everyone else is wondering where on Earth you three have gotten to."

Steve nodded apologetically. "We're coming now."