Sorry for the inconsistent updates. I am in the middle of finals as well as a cross-country move and embarking on a new career. So many new things are
going on in my life at the moment. I am trying to find the time to write. The chapters are a bit short and emotional. I am doing my best to update more often,
but they may be shorter. Bare with me I have not abandoned you! Life has just been crazy.
Late that afternoon, long after her desires had been sated Asami took to the kitchen once again in a whimsical and cheerful mood. The CEO was upbeat once again at the prospect of broaching what had occurred in the wee hours of the morning with Korra, as she began the monumental task of making homemade seaweed noodles. It was not a meal Asami was quite familiar with before Korra had entered her life along with the pro-bending brothers but something she had rapidly grown accustomed to as well as found of. Not to mention the fact that a certain blue-eyed avatar practically main-lined the dish, if given the chance and made a delightfully orgasmic sound whenever she tasted Asami's homemade ones.
So that was how the heiress ended up in her expansive kitchen making the painstaking meal, even though she was exhausted from a day of loving Korra, in a chipper mood with an optimistic mood of how the night was yet to unfold. As Asami hummed to herself while kneading the dough for said delicious noodles, Korra looked on shyly across the kitchen through loving eyes as she hid her face behind the days edition of The Republic City Times.
The paper conveniently hid the disgusted look on the avatar's face as the front page was fueled with a tabloid-esque tale captioning a picture taken of Asami and Fire Prince Brasa at the apartment over a week ago. Though she knew there was no truth to the tale, it did not take the sting out of the jealousy Korra felt, or the need she felt to proclaim to the world that Asami was hers and hers alone. The tale was outlandish really, apparently Asami was having some hush-hush affair with prince and Brasa was fanning the flames claiming he 'would never comment on such a situation with Ms. Sato, as he had the utmost respect for her and the relationship they had and still maintain.'
It was clear to both Asami and Korra he had the Times eating out of Brasa's hands and printing whatever fables and gossip he had hand-fed them. In fact, Asami suspected the leaked photographs had come from Brasa and Izumi's camp to force her to accept Brasa's offer and leave Korra. This story, however, only ignited a passion inside of the CEO and emboldened her to come out and want to declare her love for Korra even more profoundly and publicly than at the event that was coming up this weekend for the pair.
Though Asami had no current plan, to outdo her planned appearance, seeing the article set in motion the gears in her head just as quickly as it ignited a bitterness inside Korra.
"Love you know that is all bullshit. Brasa means nothing to me. I only love you," Asami offered genuinely, placing a comforting hand over Korra's once she had free moment as she sensed the woman had tensed up since reading the article.
Korra knew the words rung true, but the article had only fed her own insecurities and self-doubt. She knew Asami was no monster- it was clear to anyone who spent time in the presence of the couple that their universe revolved around each other. The two were made for each other- even Korra in her broken state could see that and feel the love emanating from Asami over all the heavy, negativeness inside of her mind.
"I know," Korra offered trying to sound strong, but she did not fool Asami, not even when she pressed her lips lovingly to the pale hand clasped over her own mocha one.
The gesture fell short of strong and empowered and was somehow resolute yet defeated as Korra's sadness and turmoil punctated the air. There was so much Asami wanted to tell Korra, just to let her know it was okay. Okay to fall, fall to pieces in front of her because she would be there to put Korra back together.
Always, always and forever would she be there for Korra from the lightest and most carefree moments to the darkest and heaviest of times. The CEO fixated her emeralds eyes on those precious glacial ones and put those sentiments in a loving glare, trying to convey the message to Korra without breaking down. After all she still had a dinner to finish preparing and a meal to get through before she could emotionally make herself vulnerable to Korra in hopes of sparking and opening a deep connection and getting her to open up, for her ownsake.
"I love you, 'Sami," Korra proclaimed her voice sounded as if she were choking back tears as she broke eye contact, eyes refusing to meet those piercing emerald ones as her own azure ones fixated on the floor.
It seemed Asami had managed to convey her message- it had cracked through Korra's rugged exterior and reached her fragile heart where it touched her deeply. It took everything the deeply troubled, slightly broken avatar had to keep her composure, the unspoken words had meant so much especially now that she was more receptive after her visit from Kyoshi.
Korra now realized she truly was loved, unconditionally and Asami truly had meant it when she said she was there forever and always. The feeling was beyond euphoric to Korra, it was new and overwhelming and yet so comfortable and meant everything to her. Never had she felt such a sense of love or security with anyone, not even her ownself had provided her with an ounce of the feeling of love or security that Asami filled her with.
Korra could not help it nor did she attempt to fight the tears that fell from her glacial eyes at the overwhelming feeling of love that overtook her body, mind, and soul. It was a wave emotion, a positive emotion, like nothing she had ever experienced, and the tears fell naturally as she sobbed joyously reaching out to wrap Asami in a bone-crushing embrace of warmth and love as she happily bawled declaring her love for the woman.
The embrace was certainly not the outward gesture from Korra that Asami had expected, if she had expected anything at all. The gesture moved her deeply and admittedly brought tears to her own eyes. she was finally reaching Korra, breaking through that stubborn exterior and connect on deep, emotional level. It finally seemed to Asami that she was going to get Korra to be vulnerable to her as she was the one person who did not pose a threat to the avatar. If anything Korra had all of the power, the power to crush Asami's heart and utterly devastate her because she was undeniably Korra's.
Asami held on tightly, allowing both herself and Korra to melt into each other. Gone from her mind was all of her prepared dialogue and the thoughts of a perfect dinner. All that mattered was this moment, it could not be more perfect had she scripted it herself. She needed this from Korra, this acceptance and it was obvious from the tears and the rib cracking grip Korra had upon her that Korra need this- needed her too.
"I love you," Korra continued to reaffirm between the tears as she nuzzled herself into Asami's neck, placing a chaste kiss here and there as if this was an entirely new revelation to the avatar, seeing the world as it was for the first time with fresh eyes and fearing Asami had no idea the depth of her love.
The CEO was overwhelmed with love for Korra and the ridiculousness that was was her. Yet, the incredibly cute way in which the avatar was trying to express how she felt had Asami torn between bursting at the seams with laughter at the adorableness of it all, or just soak in the amazing woman before her as she held her so.
So with great restraint, Asami suppressed her laughter at the flummoxed Korra and soaked in the adorable sight, kissing the top of the shorter woman's head as she held her and confirming to Korra that she too loved was plain to anyone, even the typically aloof Korra, that this was a huge turning point for the pair. Korra was finally open to receiving the love she was worthy as well as opening up to Asami and seeking the comfort she so desperately needed.
As the two sat in their shared embrace, Korra's tears eventually slowed and she exhaled loudly steadying herself and readying herself to open up Asami. Being an avatar had come naturally to Korra. The elements had been second nature to her, she felt comfortable bending like it was an extension of breathing. Fire was her breathe as was air. Water was an extension of her skin and earth a result of her movements. But emotions, they were always foreign to Korra. She felt as out of depth trying to navigate her feelings and express them as Asami did attempting or trying to comprehend bending.
Korra attempted to form a sentence a few times but couldn't find the words. They seemed to fail her, the heaviness in her chest prevailing silencing her as Asami looked on expectantly. The look of anticipation on her face caused Korra's heart to falter, she knew she was letting Asami down once again and it crushed her deep inside that she could not convey thoughts, feelings into words.
"What is it love?" Asami asked as she watched the uneasiness settle over Korra and see the look of failure overtake her girlfriend- it absolutely crushed her to see Korra like this and she was determined to coax her out of her shell, her voice calm, sweet, caring.
"I-I just. I can't... find, put into words," Korra started with a frustrated, exasperated sigh her anger shone through as her willingness and eagerness to try to convey her emotions was apparent in her eyes and tone.
Asami's expression softened further still, it tore her to pieces to see Korra struggle so much. Emotions are bitch, Asami knew that all to well with all the loss and strife she had suffered in her life, but to be tormented by the thought of trying to verbalize how one felt was a hell Asami couldn't fathom. She had been fortunate enough growing up that even though her relationship and bond she had forged with Hiroshi was dysfunctional at best, she had been around Yasuko long enough to learn that expression of emotion was healthy as well as relationship with your emotions themselves.
It was apparent to Asami that in all the years Korra's elders had dedicated to training her, no one had bothered to invest in her emotional health. That fact was heartbreaking and appalling- she was going to attempt to right this wrong for Korra. But could it really ever be corrected? Certainly it could not be justified.
It was baffling how world leaders and role models like Ex- Fire Lord Zuko, Katara, and Tenzin could dedicate so much time into grooming the next avatar. Aiding Korra in mastering the elements, meditation, and combat- yet leave her so emotionally stunted and clueless. Not to mention isolate her and leave her completely unprepared for her personal life. Yet all of those things they did to Korra only made Asami love her more. It made Korra innocent and pure, her emotions she displayed true and honest. It made her authentically and uniquely Korra.
"Start with something small, perhaps?" Asami offered gently squeezing her hand, reaching out to Korra in order offer comfort and support- something it seemed there was a distinct lack of in her formative years, at least in areas where the growing avatar needed it most.
Korra felt small, weak and inferior as she grappled with her demons struggling to put even the tiniest bit of emotion into words. It made her feel her stupid. Korra knew she wasn't intelligent in a booksmart sort of way. Least of all she was no type of genius like the Asami Sato. It was needless to say how particularly inferior she felt now, how very unintelligent she felt next to Asami, the business tycoon... the youngest billionaire and CEO the Four Nations had ever seen, as she could not even verbalize her feelings. Naturally the water works started, angry tears of the neglected, broken young woman she had become.
"Well, I hate the way papers just write whatever Brasa feeds them. Without reaching me for comment. I don't care what your family reads or thinks of me for it, but I hate how it hurts you," Asami admitted with a heavy sigh as she thumbed away Korra's tears, opening the door with admission of her own feelings.
The truth was, Asami did worry how Korra's parents and her adoptive family (Tenzin and company) would view the story and situation. She knew Tenzin and Kya were already skeptical of her and the pace of their relationship regardless of the fact she and Korra had been friends for years beforehand. Honestly, it worried her more how upset Korra had become, how jealous and devastated she seemed. Not that she herself was particularly thrilled, but Korra was her priority here, she was use to the underhanded, unscrupulous tactics of the press but not Korra.
Korra knew that her girlfriend was bothered by what the other's thought about the speculation in papers about her relationship status, however, the fact that Asami worried more about her Korra than herself made the avatar feel special. She felt love like nothing before as she beamed at Asami appreciatively, squeezing her hand in thankful support as she drew strength from the woman she loved more than anything in life.
"Sometimes it is all just too much, you know? Everything just weighs so heavy on my mind," Korra started as she heaved a heavy sigh, feeling lighter as the words began to flow out only stopping to see Asami's reaction.
The CEO nodded encouragingly, she knew all too well the heaviness of life. Her position in life had come with its own type of heaviness though nothing like that of an avatar. She could only fathom the burdens Korra carried with her and the toll being an avatar had taken on her physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. She knew the training had created an imbalanced person, leaving Korra broken in so many ways that emotionally anything and everything was so heavy, whether it was meant to be or not.
"It's a lot. No one prepared me for this," she continued waving her hand at nothing in particular, glacial eyes melancholy as she studied her surroundings allowing the air to fill with the heaviness she spoke so often of.
"Sure, they taught me how to bend. How to be diplomat. But no one taught me how to live, ya know? I mean how does one..." Korra chuckled hollowly her eyes taking on a dead yet heavy and pained look, realizing all she was missing out on.
Asami wanted to help her, wanted to help her not to hurt anymore. She always had a way with words, but Korra's had left her speechless. She did not know quite how to respond to her girlfriend's devastating confession, that she felt as if she did not know how to live. Just when Asami felt her heart could not ache or break more for Korra it did. She wrapped an arm comfortingly around the smaller woman squeezing her tightly, lovingly.
"I think you are doing a good job of living. You are creating a life with me. You are my life," Asami offered placing a light kiss to Korra's temple hoping her words bring some solace to the brokenness inside of her.
Korra smiled half-heartedly, letting out a hollow chuckle. She honestly appreciated the sentiment behind what Asami was saying, but being someone's world wasn't living. It was something more than she thought she had admittedly, but was it enough? Probably not. Having spoken part of her truth, Korra felt better even though it made her realize just how broken she was. She felt broken into a million little pieces from all the events that had culminated since she stepped foot in Republic City. Though a life of poor preparation in key areas did nothing to prevent her and her world from shattering so easily.
At some point the tears had started to flow from her glacial azure eyes once again, and her body must have been shaking from the emotional overload as Asami returned to her side after a moments absence wrapping her in comforter and wiping away the white hot tears rolling down Korra's cheeks.
"We can stop here if you'd like. I will order us dinner and we can just..." Asami offered as Korra fell into her embrace unsure of what else she could offer to comfort Korra for the night except to abandon all of her plans and just be there for her in any capacity she needed.
"Mmmhmm," Korra sniffed in agreement as she peeled herself off of Asami and dragged herself to the sofa and plopped face down into the cushion burying herself in the pillows and its warmth.
Seeing Korra was feeling well enough to lay on the dramatics, Asami saw to having seaweed noodles and a special order of fried whale blubber for Korra delivered before plopping down at Korra's feet on the couch.
"Are you okay?" she inquired softly placing a hand on the small of Korra's back, knowing there was no possible way she was truly okay, but perhaps enough so to compose herself to exist and make it through the evening.
"Actually, it felt, feels good to let it out. To verbalize what I have been bottling bottle up even though it has not solved anything," Korra admitted sheepishly as she rolled over, her bloodshot eyes shone with honesty, the hurt wasn't as brightly evident the aqua orbs as before but the heavy sadness still was ever present.
Asami smiled sadly as she assured Korra she could share anything, something so simple cheered the avatar up and made her realize just how disconnected Korra had become once she had lost the connection with her past lives. Korra, on the other hand, was feeling a little less broken as she branched out and reached for Asami and embraced her love as well as trust. Korra may not have learned how to truly love or trust growing up, but through her visions with Kyoshi she was learning the benefits of it's bounty, at least with someone like Asami.
Korra wasn't ignoring the darkness or the heaviness that remained inside of her, instead she was trying to focus on the positive and realize that confiding in someone could bring a release of some of the pressure. She also believed if there was anyone on the planet that could assist her in finding a solution to her problem it was Asami. She did not know anyone with more determination, intelligence, grit, guts, diligence, or grace to get the job done. To Korra, she was perfect in every aspect,it amazed her that it took her as long as it did to realize her feelings for Asami and make her move especially considering she was rash and brash person.
Korra was not sure at what point she had worked herself into a sitting position, leaning into Asami lost in thought about just how lucky she was, when she felt those jade eyes boring into her. Those eyes were soft and gentle as they studied her features curiously, with a deep interest and an enamored look.
"Hey," Korra offered softly turning her azure eyes to those jade ones, seeing the look of concern yet infatuation on them.
"Hey," she reciprocated, a slight blush crept across her alabaster skin as she smiled back, "what are you thinking about so intently?"
"How lucky I am to have you," Korra gushed knowing it sounded corny and cliche but meaning every word of it.
Asami smiled, allowing a small chuckle to pass through her lips as she gave Korra a squeeze, not finding the words cheesey or cliche. She knew coming from the place that Korra was in, the words were sincere and held a deep meaning. She felt touched and loved by them. Feeling less than stellar about the bleakness that dwells within Korra, Asami excused herself from Korra, who was by all means in a more positive place than before, and put away the dinner.
The CEO convinced herself that this was in fact the same exact Korra as before, nothing had changed. Had she not promised Korra that exact thing? Just because she was now more aware of Korra's demons did not make her a different person, make her anymore dangerous, or feel any less. But why did she feel different? Closer, yes but also perhaps unsettled as if Korra were more fragile, she might break. It was the exact thing she had try so hard to convince her that people would not perceive her as, and yet here Asami was doing the exact thing. To her girlfriend, the love her life no less.
Korra was beginning to bare her soul for the first time possibly ever and yet here she was, silently and shamelessly judging her behind the rose tinted glasses of the privileged eyes of one Miss Asami Sato. Asami fought of the scowl as well as the dower mood growing inside her, she wouldn't let herself ruin the positivity Korra was gaining. She shook the her head in hopes of dislodging her concerning thoughts regarding Korra as she returned to find her sprawled across the sofa, upbeat mood intact. The CEO swallowed a sigh and put on her best boardroom face masking her true inner turmoil and portraying a face of pure calm and peace as she snuggled up to Korra and continued the long wait for their dinner in pleasant conversation and playful banter which helped alleviate some of her worry.
As daylight faded into darkness, Korra's confidence in herself began to fade. It was one thing for her to be brave and true to herself in the light, but darkness... that was another beast entirely. Who we are in the light is not necessarily who we are in the dark, and no one knew that better or believed it truer than Korra. It seemed when darkness would fall her mind shifted gears becoming darker, unfriendlier than ever before. Her mind's worst enemy and public enemy number one was Korra herself.
The young avatar knew this all too well, but could not bring herself to voice this as she began shifting anxiously. Korra had departed from Asami's company to exercise while the engineer was pouring over paperwork in bed. Korra was trying to more than physically exercise, she was trying to burn herself out entirely. To exercise her demons mentally as well in hopes of sleeping through the night without being visited by visions and terrors of her trauma and past that seemed to constantly haunt her these days.
Korra's hands were wrapped as she pounded the heavy bag, hoping with each thunderous blow that tonight would be different. Tonight she would not be haunted by her past. Tonight she would have peace. Tonight Zaheer would come to her in sleep and mock her for her failures. She would not wake up up begging Ravaa to take her life. This became her personal mantra as she beat the bag with her fists, each punch more fearsome than the last as she lost herself in the rhythm of her punches. Korra wasn't sure when exactly it happened but her hands became slick with what she assumed her own blood, and then came sickening crack of her bones as she lost herself pushing harder, losing control, the little she had, over her anger and pent up emotions.
Soon Korra found herself angry, not just angry pissed off at everything and anything. At Brasa for baiting her and Asami. Herself for being angry at Brasa, at Asami for not calling out Brasa's bullshit. Soon she was just angry to be angry as the tears flowed and she continued punch and kick the bag half-heartedly, exhausted both physically and mentally. She found herself more broken now than she normally did when she awoke during the night. This realization only made Korra cry harder, she knew she was breaking down and needed Asami. Yet, she was paralyzed by the fear of what she had become.